Dealing With Sibling Rivalry In Your Kids

Feelings of sibling rivalry are incredibly frustrating to the children who are experiencing them, but also really tough for parents. What are some of the main causes of sibling rivalry, and how can you address the situation in a way that benefits the whole family and hopefully leads to stronger and more harmonious relationships?

What Is Sibling Rivalry?

Some siblings are the best of friends, while others get on really well together but also fight frequently. What do we really mean when we use the phrase "sibling rivalry"? 

Watching two or more of your kids fight is frustrating, especially if it happens a lot. It can be tough to know how to handle sibling conflicts. My two kids are close in age. While they often want the same things at the same time, they can also have completely different desires and can never quite agree which programs to watch, for instance. This can make them both feel angry. 

Sibling rivalry is not the same thing as sibling conflict, however. Rivals are in constant competition with each other, and rival siblings are no different.

Sibling rivalry can start the moment a younger sibling is born and the older child feels her position is threatened — because newborns require a lot of hands-on attention, often to the detriment of the older child. It can also develop over time, for a variety of reasons, and it can strike any child regardless of birth order.

There are many possible scenarios. Perhaps one child is constantly praised for a talent another doesn't have, causing envy. Perhaps an older child has been given more chores than a younger one, causing a feeling of injustice. Perhaps one child is simply given more attention, because of legitimate reasons like special needs or inadvertently, causing jealousy. 

Sibling rivalry occurs when a competitive environment is created, either by parents, due to circumstances, or among children themselves — due to personality differences, for example. It's fair to say that most siblings feel a certain degree of competition at some point in their lives, but most also naturally love each other and would gladly lay their rivalry aside to protect each other when it is most needed.

See Also: How To Avoid Family Drama On Thanksgiving

Defining Your Own Feelings

As a parent, you will usually love all your children equally but in different ways — you appreciate each of your kids for who they are, and acknowledge their strengths and weaknesses. It can be painful and frustrating to witness your kids fighting, and it can be even more difficult if it is clear that they are in competition or jealous of each other. 

Before you start addressing sibling rivalry in your children, it is a good idea to define your own feelings about the situation. How do the negative feelings your kids have about each other affect you? What type of relationship would you prefer? Do your children's problems take you back to your own childhood in any way, and are you tempted to intuitively react in the same way your parents might once have? To deal with your own feelings about the sibling rivalry within your family, it's best to talk to a non-judgmental and non-partial person, like a good friend or therapist. 

Overcoming Sibling Rivalry

Make Each Of Your Kids Feel Special

Children who feel good behave nicely, and children who feel loved and treasured for who they are are much less likely to be jealous of their siblings. Parents who go out of their way to make all their individual kids feel unique and special will always benefit, but doubly so if sibling rivalry is already an established issue. 

You could start by analyzing what you love and appreciate about each of your kids. Then, talk about this with your children.

Younger kids often benefit from having a wall or board dedicated to their special achievements. They can show off drawings, essays, invitations to sports matches, or pictures of events they attended. All kids' strengths will be on display for the whole family to enjoy, and each one will feel special. 

Kids of all ages will enjoy it of you spend one-on-one time with them. Go watch your child's extracurricular activity, take him out for lunch and talk about what matters to him, or teach her to drive or knit. This time will also offer individual children the opportunity to talk about issues they have with their sibling(s). When this happens, listen — and acknowledge how the child feels. Don't immediately defend the other child. You can focus on problem-solving later on, but the child definitely needs to know that he can express his true feelings safely. 

Create A Feeling-Friendly Zone

Sibling conflict may manifest as arguing, physical aggression, or a sneaky "I can do better than you" competition. Ongoing conflicts between kids thrive when the underlying feelings are not addressed openly. 

Many parents hope that the conflict will simply disappear, or actively tell the child he is not feeling the way he is. "You don't really hate your baby brother, you just have to get used to having him around," or "don't be silly, of course I love you just as much as your sister". 

What's the best thing to do, then?

Ask your child how she is feeling if you sense there is some sibling rivalry. When your child shares her feelings, repeat those back to her and ask for more information. "You are worried that I don't love you as much now that you have a baby brother. Newborns are a lot of work, and you would prefer to have me all to yourself. Am I understanding that right?"

And then, after your child pours her feelings out, ask how you can make it better. "Would you like it if I made sure I had time to play with you every day?"

Or: "You are frustrated that I have to drive your sister to her drama classes all the time, and you feel her talent makes me love her more. I want you to know I love you just as much, but tell me — how could I make you feel better? "

See Also: Spring Activities: Outdoor Recreation for Children and Adults

Environments in which children feel free to express their emotions openly — feeling-friendly zones — don't create more resentment. They tackle their feelings head-on when given a chance.