Abortion- Wanting to get pregant Again, but feel undeserving

I am a 22 year old college student and would just like to vent and share my experience. I have been feeling very low and would like to know if there is anyone else out there who has these same feelings too. This last year has been the hardest for me: pain, guilt, grief and feeling like no one understands. Please don't be judgmental.

@17 years old I got pregnant and after telling my mother she urged me to get an abortion. I was 17 weeks along and the father was occupying himself with 3 other girlfriends and made it clear he did not want a baby at the time. When I found out I was pregnant I was in a fresh relationship with another guy and had to break things off with him. This was in my senior year of high school and as if I wasn’t dealing with enough, my ex told me he would be there to go through the abortion process and was not. I called him as soon as it was done and he blamed me for killing our child. I never really got over this but had to try to move on transitioning into college, I tried convincing myself that the decision was for the best. I ended up contacting my boyfriend and telling him everything and he accepted me back with open arms and we are still together today.

At 20 I found out that I was 8wks pregnant and was still naïve because I was thinking it’s been years and my bf and I had been using the pull out method. Long story short, I miscarried. I sat in the ER for 7 hours before I was seen and by then I had saw the fetus pass when I went to the bathroom. Dealing with the nightmares and regrets I began to get devastated but my friends and family tried convincing me that I it was meant to happen and there was nothing I could do. As time passed my grades dropped and I slowly fell into depression. I felt that my life had no direction and purpose.

(here’s the horrible part)Last summer I asked my boyfriend to give me a baby and explained to him that I felt that it would bring meaning to my life and give me something to live for and to love unconditionally and know that it would love me back the same way. He agreed. 21/2-3weeks later we found out we were pregnant and when it was time to face things he freaked out. I told my mom and she was so excited about having a grandchild but my bf and I are still pretty dependent on our parents and he was more worried about not being able to provide for a child ourselves. I started to feel that I owed it to him to allow him to get himself together before we go into parenthood. So I eventually agreed to an abortion. At the clinic I broke down and told him I could not go through this again and that I know it would break me if I did so we left. After that we argued for a whole week about the situation and when my mom gave me advice one day while feeling bad  “maybe you shouldn’t bring a child into this world, it’s too hard trying not to screw up like I did” I started feeling alone and scared of being a single parent w/ no help. So I made another appointment and went through with it. My boyfriend told me I didn’t have to but he still drove me to the clinic and never really objected.

Today my baby would have been almost 3 months old and I find myself with baby fever. I get sad when seeing pregnant women/ babies/commercials/families. I even cry out of the blue sometimes. Everything makes me think of my baby and how horrible of a person I am for not standing up for my child. I was weak and I hate myself for it. I even got birth control because I don’t trust myself not to try to get pregnant again. I know what I did was wrong and all I want is my baby back but I don’t even feel like I deserve to have a child now. I feel like the worst person on earth everyday.