Today I died. My mind kept going but my body was completely paralyzed.
My mind has become a prison that's waiting for my body to give up-
It's a war and my body is loosing-
My body is giving up the battle-
My mind controls everything I am so my body never had a damn chance.
My life was perfect or was that an illusion.
Something my mind made up to help my body cope with my everyday.
In my mind-I had it all... The job, the girl, the car...
I'm loosing it.. Or did I loose it a long time ago?
Holding on to the traces of myself.. Or who I thought I was is like trying to catch air with my bare hands..Nothing I try is working-
Reality has a way of crashing down like a ton of bricks.
My mind conjured a world where my body could be comfortable.
I opened my eyes one day and question every decision I've made for the last 7 years.
The job ... It was the most stressful place I've ever been in my life.
Or was is great place to work?
Did I leave the company because of my own selfish pride? Or was I afraid of failure again and that fear drove me out that building? I won't ever know the answer.
My girl.. I like to believe she is the only good thing I've ever done.
Or have I turned her life upside down while I was in the tornado I use to call my life? Have I molded her into the perfect wife for the world my mind convinced me was the perfect world? Can I love the imperfections that I've taught her? Is it unfair not to have the energy to try? Sex? Yeah right.. I'm so confused right now that my mind won't relax enough to please or be please..So whats next? Where do we go?
Forward, I'm guessing but I have no idea-
My car... Got it right off the show room floor..
Or did I selfishly buy I car that I knew we couldn't afford? Did I convince Toiya that was a good idea? Was that rational? I have no idea-
Why is it so easy for my to rip myself apart? To figure every negative thing I've done for the last 7 years?
I'll tell you why.. I've been ripped apart and pushed off my whole life.
All I ever wanted was someone to stay and love me for eternity.
Someone to understand all I've been through without judgement.
Or do I want someone to judge me and tell me what I'm doing wrong?
Confusion has always been the name of my game.
Well, I finally hit rock bottom.
I hit it going 100 mph with a blind fold on. Needless to say.. I'm hurt really bad and having a horrid time getting back up.
Standing up and facing the fears that live right outside my front door.
It's called the fear of life..
Right now, I'm not living... I'm just existing..
Living under the radar... If I'm the only person who exists in my world then I'll be the only person who can judge me.
And if I'm the only person to judge me then I'm the only person who can hurt me.
I'm very sorry