Bipolar husband always leaving and coming back

I found this site while trying to figure out how my husband can leave me. We have been together 18 years. When I met him I didn’t know he did drugs but a couple years into it I found out when he left me the first time. Since then he has left me so many times. He has been to several rehabs and was diagnosed with bipolar over a year ago when he left after 4 years of stability. I had gotten relaxed and felt like that behavior was behind us so when he left it devastated me to the point of not being able to work for 2 weeks. When he is stable he is so loving. Leaving me loving voicemails when he goes to work. Kisses every morning and night when we get home from work. Having my coffee ready in the evening. I love yous all day. When he leaves he is cold and won’t talk to me. Tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. When he comes back I hear how he didn’t mean those things and I want to believe him so I do. But when he left a year ago I promised my self this is it if he leaves again I’m done. Well 3 weeks ago he left again quit his job ( which he always does) stole our money and is living in his truck. This time his reason was to go live near our son who lives 2 hours away ( our son decided 2 years ago he wanted to live with his grandparents and reluctantly agreed but we were seeing him every other weekend and talking to him daily he is 14 ) he said that he couldn’t stand not being with him. So I just said ok and he left. The day he left he left me his usual voice message professing his undying love and how he could never leave me again. He had an appointment that afternoon and withdrew just enough for that appointment before he was scheduled to go to work but 30 minutes after he should of been at work he withdrew all the money ( I have the Banks app) and an hour later he was back home telling me goodbye. He left his cellphone ( I pay for it) before withdrawing money there was no evidence that he was even pondering leaving. I racked my brain trying to to figure out what I missed. But couldn’t. But now I realize albeit long over due that this will never change and I can’t take living like this. I need me now. I know I have allowed this behavior and by doing so have damaged my self esteem by putting up with this for so long and I realized that he is emotionally immature. He never discussed his feelings in all of these years he has never came to me and said I’m upset or whatever can we talk. I only brings up his issues in a fight and later tells me he didn’t mean it he was just upset. While I fully understand addiction and see it as a disease I also know that he has been taught the skills to be sober and is responsible for working a program which he has never done and never will. Emotionally immature men ( a lot of addicts are EI because of young age the use starts which prevents them from growing emotionally) are unable to have true empathy the emotions I saw ( crying etc) when he returns is more from a place of self pity than pain that he hurt me, they don’t open up about their feelings. He lacks the insight ability needed to recognize this so yes he believes he feels true remorse but if you do something and truly feel guilt or remorse you do whatever it takes to not do it again. An addict who gets out of rehab and gets a sponsor goes to meetings works on themselves and works the 12 steps has a chance to stay sober. An addict who chooses not to do these things knowing what will happen ( he has been to 10-12 rehabs) apparently doesn’t feel they are powerless thus aren’t likely to stay sober hence the remorse can’t be that real. I know this long but I hope it helps those who are going through this to not be like me and waste 18 years.

Hi,
Ive been married since October 2018. I was with my husband 16 months before we said our Vows. He had his place and i had my place 12 miles from each other. He spent more time with me at my place. He had never displayed said behaviors until 2 month after marriage. He left dec 3rd. Missed my birthday,and came back just in time for Christmas. When it was time to go for dinner he decided he would stay home. I cut Christmas at my sisters short so i could get home to him. When his son and i got home he was gone. we were now locked out of our home christmas night. The cops used a crowbar to break into the security gate so we could get in. Every light was on,oven was on and open, it was like he just vanished. He didnt show up at work,lost his job. He made contact new years eve. Said he was on his way home to ring in the new year. HE NEVER SHOWED. It was a few days later he came home. Everything was normal for a while until he split again a few days before Valentine’s day. He showed back up that morning. His patterns dont change. He has been without a paycheck since dec 2018. He has a drug of choice. He always ends up at his old apartment with his roommate. When he comes home i have to endure the “come down”of said drug. Life gets back to normal and he gets a call to do some yard work and doesnt come home from work. He is currently gone again. Today is day 4. He texted yesterday and said he was on his way. Never made it. . bipolar,manic depression could be it or he is enjoying drugs,being single, and im fat, ugly and suck in the sack

Hi, I don’t have much advice- but it can be helpful to know that I am in the same situation. My husband loves me so much and then all suddenly turns into a whole different person, it’s like I don’t even know him anymore. He’s been back and forth for the 10 years we’ve been together and always comes back saying how “ stupid he is and can’t believe he did that” and talks about how much he truly loves me. Last time he came back we lasted 3 amazing years with marriage counseling and we’ve gotten very very close to the point that I actually felt secure that he wouldn’t leave ever again. Just the other day he flipped and told me he doesn’t like me and hates to spend time with me and that he wants to find someone that can have more in common with him. Not to mention we have a 7 year old daughter and I’m pregnant currently. But we’ve had a great relationship living normal married life, and he acted like he was obsessed with me and turned into someone that wants nothing at all do with me.
My therapist told me she knows he’s bipolar and she diagnosed him, so that’s clearly the reason; yet it’s not excusable the way that we feel. It causes trauma and abandonment every time they turn into a different person and want to leave.

Thank you your words really help. There is no free marriage counseling and kaiser has been horrible for my husband's care! I put it all in God's hands. I feel your pain & just know that if they truly love you they will come back, if not it's sad I know I'm living it but if they don't come back and want to compromise and fix things then why would we want them to keep hurting us..Anyway most importantly take care of yourself, beating yourself up helps no one & I know it's easier said than done, but everday all we can do is our best. Time will tell. You all deserve to be happy, remember even at your worst God loves you & he hears you!

Thank you your words really help. There is no free marriage counseling and kaiser has been horrible for my husband's care! I put it all in God's hands. I feel your pain & just know that if they truly love you they will come back, if not it's sad I know I'm living it but if they don't come back and want to compromise and fix things then why would we want them to keep hurting us..Anyway most importantly take care of yourself, beating yourself up helps no one & I know it's easier said than done, but everday all we can do is our best. Time will tell. You all deserve to be happy, remember even at your worst God loves you & he hears you!

no this doesn't make more sense, are you saying we should get out or are you saying to keep forgiving them bc they can't help it?

This comment is my story. My bf of 5 yrs is on anxiety/anti depression medicine, but I don't think he takes what he needs or follows thru w treatment. He has repeatedly left me and comes back days/wks later. His parents are dysfunctional & provide him a comfy place to stay. This time I didn't allow him back. It's been 5 months and I'm starting to feel better. I've lost weight & pain in my body is gone. It hurts like hell to be so heartbroken but he will take me down with him in his toxic misery if I let him come back.

I think regardless of suffering from mental health illness, he still has choices! And should not be allowed to escape accountability for his acts.

I've been through this for the third time now. My husband is bipolar and is manic at the moment and doesn't even know it. He left my 4 year old son and I on Mother's Day and it's been hard for both of us. Especially because I can't explain to my son that his dad has a mental illness. My husband told me I suck, I'm bitter, and that it's over. Haven't talked to him in a month and in the meantime he's on any social media site, complementing half dressed women and seems to not have a care in the world.

I can't tell everyone thank you enough for sharing your stories. I have a Bipolar Husband who has left me over a handful of times throughout our 8 year relationship , but this last time he left hurts the most for some reason. Perhaps its our 5 year old daughter who keeps asking "Where's Daddy?" - I am heartbroken. He left without giving any specific reason other than blaming me for all of our problems and that he can't be in a toxic relationship anymore. He said he doesn't love me and he wants to be friends for our daughter. It's so difficult navigating this, does me mean what he says this time? How could he just quit his family? Its been 3 weeks he's been gone only visiting our daughter sometimes and I am physically sick from his behavior. He won't give me specifics or examples - He got cold and distant a few days before he moved all his things out of our house to stay at a friends.

I love him to pieces ,but I know I cannot handle 1 more of these episodes. He refuses to get on medication - he won't listen to anything I have to say. Yes he has left before, but for some reason this time it hurts the most....