Im glad to know im not the only person who thinks this way.
Exactly the same story and I try to forget about it but can't.
Hopefully one day we will all find a way to forget about what happens as unlikley as it may be and move on with our lives.
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I was in an abusive friendship the majority of my life (seriously was friends with this person since a few months after birth), so at the time I didn't think that much of what had happened but towards the end of my relationship with this kid, it started to really mess with me. (The story may be a little messy, but it's tough to write about this)
He was about a year and a half older than me.
At age 10, I began smoking cigarettes with a this "friend" and one day we found a pack. We went into the woods and proceeded to smoke them when we got to the last one. I wanted the last one but he claimed it...on one condition: that we fooled around. I was not comfortable with this but he talked me into it...so we started kissing. We're both males and I did prefer girls even then, but I didn't think much of it when just kissing. Then, one thing led to another and our pants were down. He gave me head for a bit and I gave him head for even less of a bit but I really didn't want to do it. I felt so strange and off about the whole thing. Then, he proceeded perform sodomy on me. That was it. He never gave me the cigarette (like it mattered after that anyway).
I brought it up with him a few weeks later about why we did that and he said "You wanted it, you faggot!" and that was the last mention until I was older. There were other occasions that I won't mention here (not including sodomy but performing something sexual), but I always felt so stupid and horrible after them. Such an impressionable young boy...
I don't know. I'm 20 years old now and have had a few girlfriends, but nothing even close to long lasting. I feel uncomfortable around mainly everybody, feeling alone even in company that I enjoy. I feel lost and am just trying to find some love within myself and for the world around me. Overworking seems to be the only thing that helps me cope, which is not good because I eventually burn out.
I've told a few very close people about this, but it was a bit relieving to get this out here.
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i was sexuly abused into i was 5 im now almost 18 years old old will i ever get over it. i confart eat or use to salf harm my self to deail with the pain and now im at the stage of 14 stone but is there anyother way to deail with the pain. i use to talk to my ex boyfriend about it all but we dont talk to eachother anyone so i feel like i am on my own and it was my falt that i was sexuly aboused is there any think els that works to get over the pain please help me get over the pain so i can get on with it safely
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As of late, I've been having dreams, and remembering things that I guess I surpressed. I loved my brother as a child, loved him to death, and from that I, he, he raped me. I think I was 7, I remember it feeling weird, but it didn't hurt. It felt good, for some reason. Just thinking about it makes me feel disguested and revolted by the thought. I didn't understand, still don't understand why I felt that way.
The memory is coming back more and more. I've been dreaming about it, and I always end up scared, with my heart racing. I'll turn over to look at my boyfriend, and remind myself that everything's alright. The thought of what happened to me is in the back of my head every waking moment.
I'm studying Criminal Justice, and I keep reading these statisitcs that say that abused victims abuse others, or their own children. I'm scared to death to have kids. I'm scared that I'll end up doing that to my own child. I read about how women who were abused, and how they can't even orgasm from it. I'm a virgin. I want to wait until marriage. And to remember what happened to me is killing me. I am not a virgin. As much as I want to be I have to go through life knowing that.
I guess I know why I was so adament about waiting until marriage. About not wanting to have sex with anyone. I'm literally scared to have sex, the thought scares me. I don't want to have sex.
I can't go to my parents, what would I say? It's been 10 years, I can't. I won't. Everytime I try talking to my boyfriend about it, he keeps telling me, that I should tell someone, but I can't. What he doesn't know is that it's my brother who did this to me. My brother that was suppose to protect me.
How do you go to someone and tell them that? I just can't.
Everything that happens to you changes your life. I still feel the effects of it today, and I don't think I will ever get over it.
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Anyone on here who has decided that it's somehow a way to fit in by talking about it is taking away from real survivors. I'm weird because I hate women but I also relate. Guys seem to think that it's normal for women to be hesitant/uncomfortable around them for sex, like, oh, that's just her issues, she clearly wants to have sex with me, where it's more like you feel pressured and no way out, then you start to resent the guy, and somehow this is "feminine". Then your body betrays you sometimes so you start to resent yourself more and are confused, and no one believes you. So yeah, it's f*^@#king complicated. Also you feel worthless. I'm not totally a "survivor"---more like half survivor/product, but someone close to me is one from being molested as a child--and she has gotten through it. It's about finding ways to value yourself separate from sex which is really f----ing difficult. The problem is that experiences like make you have No self esteem. You don't value yourself enough to stick up for yourself. Also a lot of ppl around you will not want you to change. So yeah, you can get through it, it's just really f*^@king difficult. It's also so common to have bad sexual experiences that people start to resent sex altogether and put it with abuse. This is NOT sex. If it's abusive, its rape--and that's about power. That has nothing to do with sex. You can get at people's sexual sides to hurt them, but that is not the same thing as having sex. You have to want it/like it for it to be sex. It's just hard when you're self esteem is so low, and the worst is when people abuse you just because they can so you feel worthless. It's about power and finding ways to get it. Clothes and presentation help a lot. Also, you are not alone. A lot of girls/women are there--but don't get too comfortable, women still suck as much as men do. Also--on the outside--people will see it as a failure if you are not sexually comfortable in the right ways even if things happened that had nothing to do with you, or anything. This is the hardest part, I think. I had a bad experience in high school and in college it got worse, so I left. I was ridiculed by my family to the point where I almost gave up about not being 'comfortable' with myself 'as a woman' and then put on meds to shut me up. Even guys who have approached me recently, if at all, it's only because they are insecure themselves and want to use me for that, because they can see it. I almost caved but got too angry. That's the hardest part is knowing to yourself that you are worth enough of anything to be angry. Also--not everyone is a porn star, and most people are full of --it. Basically you have to ignore guys. Get agressive towards people who approach that side of you if you don't want it, and if you do want it, and are full of --it, get off this website. You are just as bad as actual rapists
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I was molested at a young age and raped by a family member. Just saying that makes me feel sick. what i went through triggered a line of events that made me who iv become .. i cant make friends, i cant trust people howevr much i tried, im so paranoid, i use and harm people to take my anger out on someone, i self harm on a regular basis and even tried to take my own life, i got heavily into drugs and joined a gang, i care so much about what people think of me, i allowed my vulnerability to let myself be used and kept going back to violent relationships, i cant find empathy when other people tell me their stories, i have become so violent but so isolated.. my whole life is a lie and im too insecure to even let the real me out, and my abuse definately ruined my life from a young age and the answer is no, i doubt ill ever be able to recover.
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I was abused from the time I was 3 until I was about 12 or 13. It happened about everyday. I had no idea what it was, but I grew up with it, so I thought it was normal. I first learned what it when I was in 5th grade. I blocked out all the memories and blocked everything out for a couple years. It wasn't until I was older when it really started affecting me. I started having nightmares, and was afraid to go to sleep at night. I am 18 years old and can't fall asleep alone or without a nightlight. I have PTSD and suffer from flashbacks and ticks. I have really bad anxiety and I get panic attacks. I have made several suicide attempts. It has been my dark dirty secret forever. I told my therapist just two days ago, and am starting on the long road to recovery. This affects everything in my life. I am in college now, but whenever I go home he's there, and I see him. I have to listen to him breathe. I can't stand listening to him breathe. Car rides are the worst. I can't go into car washes or hotel room bathrooms. I am shaking just now talking about this. I have cut and scratched myself for as long as I can remember and before that I picked at my scabs. People don't understand how invasive it is. I am a lucky one, because I can have sex, however, I cannot orgasm, I'm always left feeling unsatisfied and worthless. I feel like I'm crazy, because of the PTSD. I have a lot of other emotional disorders because of other things that have happened in my life as well. I was a s*** for awhile because I didn't care about myself enough to have standards; and that part of me, that dirty, sloppy part of me will be with me for the rest of my life. Eventually I'll need to learn how to accept myself. So, does the victim ever recover? You tell me. I have hope that someday I'll be able to at least feel normal, but then again, this is all I've ever known.
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No, I don't think you get over it but I know people can move on from it. I read all of these stories and they truly broke my heart. Abuse is way too apparent in too many homes and I hope that one day it stops completely. We can dream right? It's always so easy for a child to get hurt though and it saddens me.
This is a long one...
My abuse is so destructive that I can't even understand why I'm still standing today. I've been abused so much that I can't even remember when it first happened but I have several stories. A boy in my first grade class exposed his penis to me, and I've been a victim of sexual abuse by the uncle of an acquaintance as well.
The first vivid memory I have is being a toddler, I believe I was two years old. My mother and father divorced while I was around that age so my mother worked to take care of me. That being said, she trusted way too many people with watching me. I remember being dropped off at my grandparent's best friend's home on my father's side. They had several pre-teen to teenage boys, huge family and I remember a few of them trying and even being successful at removing my diaper. All I know is that I cried and crawled up a long flight of stairs to my grandparent's friend's. I knew even at that age that something was wrong with the way the were touching me.
A few years later, I believe I was 4 going on 5 my mother had a church friend she enjoyed hanging out with, another single mother and she had several kids as well. She had two daughters, one a few years older than me, and one a year younger. She also had a son a few years older than me and one several years older, I believe he was 12 or 13. She wanted to go to some church convention and another girlfriend of hers was going to accompany them. I didn't know the kids and I was extremely afraid to be left alone. I remember crying and begging my mother to take me with her and she didn't heed to my cries. To this day, that day was the hardest and painful day I've ever experienced. He and his siblings (which he trained) physically and sexually sodomized me that day. They were all victims of his abuse as well and he pleasured in them abusing each other. If satan had a spawn it would be him in the flesh. Objects were forced inside of me (front and back) and he also picked me up repeatedly by my little hands and legs and threw me against the wall. I remember being playing dead just so he could stop but he wouldn't.
He was sent to jail that night as I wasn't a quiet kid. If I had something to say, I said it, I just remember not being able to find my underwear and that image always plays in my head. He went away to juvi I suppose for several years. I remember his siblings being excited when he was going to be released. What I don't get to this day is that my mother stayed friends with her (and still is) and MOVED US IN with that family. I suppose they were both down on their luck and thought it was a great idea to mesh houses together. So, in that, I then got lucky enough to be molested by the younger son almost daily until I was 13 years old. One day I woke up and just snapped. I was tired of him touching me and having his way with me and though he made advances, I never let him touch me again. A part of me isn't mad at him because I felt like he was just a typical pre-teen dealing with puberty and I just happened to be there. But I know of all the times I said "No" he didn't listen that he was just as wrong. Sometimes it felt good and I would just let him do it, but I still didn't like it. The siblings were just hateful to me and even perverted with each other. They were caught several times by both my mother and theirs doing sexual things to eachother. The older brother was in and out of jail, but didn't live with us. He of course wasn't necessarily hated. His siblings worshiped the ground he walked on, he was a bad bad man and even got several pre-teens pregnant. I believe his mother was molested and the was sexually abused to so as you can see, the cycle never really ended. It was a generational issue handed down. It was a sickness.
I've since forgiven them. The older brother committed suicide several years later right in front of his siblings. I remember going to the funeral and at one point cried right there and the feeling of being free overcame me. I was finally free of him. To this day his sisters and brothers still praise what a "good brother" he was, and how they miss him. They are just in denial but I can understand as things are complicated when it's a relative. To me he deserved what he got. He was truly an evil man. He was a child molester, enjoyed incest, disrespectful to women, authority, physically, mentally, and sexually abusive, sadistic, tormenting, in and out of jail... you name it. It was interesting how he committed suicide too. He was playing Russian Rullette with a gun, right in front of his brothers, sisters and baby nephew. He cocked the gun at them "playing around" thinking that he took out all of the bullets. Apparently when it was his turn he didn't live to find out that he forgot one bullet which I believe had his name on it. People like him are always on a road to death, it waits for the perfect opportunity and then eventually it strikes. I forgave him long before his death but I always felt like I had to be on his good side, to please him some sort of way. He never got the opportunity to hurt me again, but I never understood why I put him in such high regard as a kid. I suppose I was just too scared. And I don't think I've forgiven my mother as I distance myself and rarely speak to her. She it's because her side of the family can only take so much of eachother but I know deep down I distance myself from her because I didn't feel like she had me in her best interest at the time. Moving your child in with the family of the abuser is the stupidest thing anyone could've done. She's asked me to forgive her, and I told her I did, but I think deep down I really haven't.
Also, she physically abused well until I was 18 years old and had to fight her back to make her stop. I know she loves me, but there's a thin line between discipline and abuse and she crossed it every time. I remember being beaten with an unraveled hanger on my naked body because I got into a fight at school. A few licks were never enough, she would beat me until I nearly passed out. I remember playing dead because she wouldn't stop even though I was bleeding and covered in welts and she would catch on and beat me for acting like I was dead. Or she would sit on me so I wouldn't get away as she continued to beat me. It's not fun when the person you love beats you because they are angry for the wrong reasons. My father was never around to protect me either as he was on drugs so I have a lot of hurt built up from both of my parents.
I did eventually get some sort of solace while visiting the parents of my father. My uncles were teens when I was a baby and they never hurt me so it gave me a sense of security whenever I visited. There was and always still is a lot of love from my dad's family, I just wish he wasn't the black sheep. He's married now and once or twice out of the year tries to contact me but he somehow assumes that I'm either supposed to chase him, or that him not being apart of my life is "behind me" and shouldn't be remembered.
On top of the abuse I was never great in school. Always failing, I was an extremely unhappy child after this all happened. Before, when it was just me and my mother, I got beat when I did something bad, but life was still good. I was free, happy, and a very neat child, almost OCD haha. After the abuse I did bad in school, got expelled, or kicked out, could never stay on task, even in college. I'm 27 now, but I'll be 28 soon and I haven't accomplished anything scholastically that I'm proud of. On top of the school issues I was never able to stick to a job more than a year before I felt like exploding, having to change, always change. I never wanted to live in the same place, I wanted to constantly move after a few years here, there and now I know why. I have wonderlust but mainly because of the abuse. My relationships haven't been the best either. I'm a great friend but I have a hard time keeping up with my friends. It's nothing for me to live in other states and not call/talk to a friend for a whole year plus. I don't even call my grandparents whom I love, though they are aging and wish to hear from me more often. This abuse has made me completely handicapped when it comes to communicating with friends and family. I don't even call my own mother as often as I should. I push myself away. I ran away and chose to live far away from the town that it all happened in. When I visit I can't even stay very long before I get that itch to leave again.
Also, men. I get panic attacks to this day if I pass by a group of men, especially black men though I am of the same decent. To this day I cannot be intimate with a man of color, all of my boyfriends (including my husband) are white. Though I've had one or two great boyfriends, I generally enjoy being alone. I'd rather masturbate than actually enjoy sex with another person. This is hard because I happen to be married. Before marriage my self esteem was high, now it's low mainly because I don't love myself, I haven't completely forgiven myself though I know it wasn't my fault. Now, I'm allowing another cycle of abuse to take over. My husband can be both verbally and emotionally abusive when we argue. He also abuses legal drugs. I've also abused him by putting my hands on him one time. I do plan on divorcing, but this goes to show that if you don't get help, you allow abuse to manifest in other ways.
I've seen counselors, and I will be seeing another very soon aside from marriage counseling. I really want to change. I tend to self sabotage destruct etc. For example, I started by harming myself when I was a child going through the abuse. I would pinch or bite myself but that was then taken over by food. Food was my comfort and I went from a healthy, skinny kid to a chubby 13 year old and an overweight woman. I still use food as a crutch and a protector. Though I am trying to lose weight, it's mentally hard. The fat protects me by subconsciously warding away men from being attracted to me. My looks as a child attracted bad attention from men and I was a thin child. I'm extremely scared that once I lose weight I won't be able to stop men from hurting me again. Even as a larger woman I still get the cat calls. I'm a pretty girl regardless and the attention only feels good when it's wanted.
The hiding doesn't work as I happen to be married to a very handsome, in shape military guy and I've never had issues attracting men which scares me. Yeah, I went through a short promiscuous stage, and all things sex have always fascinated me and I know it's because I was molested. For most molested kids, sex is completely contorted. Whether you hate sex, or you're addicted to it, sexual abuse has it's effects on how you view sex itself. For me it's like a dark invisible hand choking me. Being sexually attracted/addicted to the things bind you is like slavery. It's like feeling and accepting the abuse all over again.
It's affected me in ways I didn't even realize. For starters I have anger issues that I didn't realize I had. I also have passing anxiety. Malls, passing cars if I'm walking, groups of men, etc. It took me years to get my license because I had a fear of driving. I am a maladaptive day dreamer which was recently diagnosed as me having dissociation. That feeling of removing yourself during the abuse occurred so much that I cannot seem to stop doing it even in adult hood and reality. I cannot have an emotional connection in a relationship with a partner. I don't seem to finish anything I start, period. I have to force myself to since I'm a business owner. I had to end up owning my own business because I can't seem to stay at a job where I have to stick to a someone else's schedule. This has worked for me, but it's still a PITA. And thankfully, I was prescribed Adderall XR to help focus and get things done.
I want to heal, I need to, I feel it's time. I no longer want this to affect my life. For years I suppressed it, never dealt with it. I never denied it, but I chose to just accept myself as someone who would always fall short. My family members would question when I'd get my driver's license at the time (I have it now) or when I'd finish college, etc. I want to lose the weight, gain more confidence, finish school, and put this all behind me so I'm up for the healing process. I won't let this ruin me any longer. I want to be the successful beautiful woman I was put on this earth to be. The molestation has taken so much from me and I'm tired. My heart goes out to those who are still suffering and have. Say something, free yourselves because this disease will eat you whole if you let it. Don't let it ruin you.
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rubbish i was abused by my dad and his friends from a baby til 12 i will never be able to get over it
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it feels weird to be writing here because i feel to blame for what happened to me, and i feel stupid trying to express it but i cant get over how i told my mother and she yelled at him and that was it. i was expecting the grown ups to take care of it but that never really happened. months later, that family member was forgotten for what he did and everyone went on with a normal life. and i felt unimportant about the whole thing.
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its hard to go through something like this and i remember for a while i shut everyone out
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