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More than life itself, I hope it erases itself from the depths of my mind and unattaches itself from my very soul. I'm in my mid 40s and every second of the last 34 years has been gut wrenching. The flashbacks......the flashbacks. I don't know why, but the fear and shame are the ruling forces as far as emotions go. Panic is close. Molested by an uncle, raped by best friends older brother and physically, and emotionally abused by mothers husband. I don't sleep much. I jump 10 feet in the air when something startles me. My marriage suffers. I can't talk about this to anyone. The thought of looking someone in the eyes and saying these things is HORRIFYING. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. A bit angry as well. I don't want to be the poor me person either. Seems like all of "this stuff" stays close to the surface most days. I cant seem to keep followup appointments with doctor that treated my cancer. Yes, I said cancer. She needs to feel my neck and around my head and throat. The min. she goes for the neck, I feel like her hands are those of someone else, someone who wanted to kill me at the time. My heart pounds so hard I can see it in my eyes and my kind doctor is no longer herself somehow. I'm right back to my youth for a moment or more. My doctor is amazing lady, but I can't bare to have her examine me even to see if the cancer has returned. I had almost lost my life a couple years ago with a severe illness. The illness and fever seemed to take a bit of my memories, but just not the ones I would have chosen. I would love to find a way to lay these experiences down for good as I can no longer function well with them. I wonder what my eyes looked like before these things happened .....before when my soul was my own. I see the eyes of my friends children and for years have looked for a glimpse of who I may have been. How did this happen?? I mean, I know these things happened, but what am I or who am I without them .
So as far as the question......oh, trust me, I'm over it, so fricken over it. My body and mind are not.
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a cousin molested me for about a year when i was five and before i used to think it was just bad dreams and i couldnt understand why i was "dreaming" of things at a young age , but i came to realize it wasnt a dream it was reality . i remember the last time he attempted to. ever since that day he has not. i see him all the time at family gatherings and he smiles in my face and acts like nothing ever happened like he never damaged me. sometimes i wish i could have told someone because he doesnt deserve to be happy. he has a family and kids, a nice car andhouse and im stuck here cryingevery night 16 years later. struggling in college. my parents do not know and i will never tell them because i think my dad would kill him. and it will just create waves of damage. and honestly i dont feel its worth telling. i also got sexually assaulted the summer before my first year of college. i read somewhere that people who have raped/molested before have a higher chance of it happening again. i am not sure if that is true or not but for me it is. i feel like i am a weak person. too ashamed and scared to go outside of my room. to scared to talk to new people. all because selfish people hurt me. its just not fair.
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I am in my 30's now and it just keeps hitting me harder and harder as I get older. I tell people about it and then hate how they react so at some point I tell them I made it up. It's stupid I know but I find it hard to deal with how people react.....it's never helpfully or helping me get over it. It never feels like it's the right thing that I have done. I will never get over it. It just gets worse with time. When you think of all the guilt you carry and you can't unload it. No one can take away the worthlessness of how you feel. No one can tell you the perfect thing and make it better and no one has the patience to listen to your story over and over and over. But that is how it goes in your head. Over and over and worse and worse.
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