Do you ever get over sexual abuse?

It will always be a part of you, but you can still have a wonderful life. The secret is to learn to take care of yourself. I hear so many stories (including my own) where it is a member of the family or a close friend that is the abuser and the family looks the other way and the victim is made to feel that they must carry this burden to keep the peace. It is completely crazy. So STOP! And realize that you deserve to feel safe, you deserve to to be taken care of. And the bastard belongs in jail. Stop keeping their secret and stop letting them make you feel like the bad guy. Don't let their failing make you feel worthless.

Sexual abuse is so hard to get over and I didn't get sexually abused nearly as bad as any of you. I was only abused once on christmas when I was 8 by my cousin it was so hard because it tore my large family apart and I still feel to blame sometimes I know its not my fault but I don't think I will ever get over it I will just learn to cope I guess I am very awkward with guys and its really hard sometimes I visit these sites on the internet because it helps me to know that I am not alone and that I am even lucky because some of you have had it so much worse than me and I respect you so much for that

sexual abuse is so hard and I was only sexually abused once when I was 8 by my cousin on Christmas. I don't know if I will ever be able to get over it only cope with it i guess. I have forgiven him even tho I didn't really get an apology but it tore my large close family apart and now there are a lot of hidden problems in the family when something like that happens you see true personalities come out which is scary. I was lucky enough to get therapy quickly but I don't know if it really helped just helped me to cope really I am very awkward with guys now which is hard and I know I am lucky because it only happened once to me I am so sorry to all of you who have had to go through this and I have so much respect for you because I know so many have had it a million times worse than me sometimes I go on these sites because it helps me to know that I am definitely not alone

im 21 male and was molested by my cousin on one occasion when i was about 8 or 9. i guess he seduced me (that sounds lame) to sleep with him. i trusted him i had no idea what he was going to do. anyway had fun n everything then went to sleep. while i was sleeping in the middle of the night he molested me. i was always blaming myself for being stupid enough to sleep with him even though my parents were convincing me not to. now i blame my parents they could have slapped me out or something, i was just a kid i didnt know better. i woke up while he was doing it to me but pretended to be asleep (i dont know why). now i blame my parents should i? im annoying them so much its like i dont even care about them, i have suicidal thoughts, depressed, anxious, i just dont know what to do.
my brothers keep saying there is something wrong with me, i havnt got the courage to tell them. its affecting me so much right now i just want to kill that bastard. i feel no1 will believe me. i mean how can a 10 minute phase in your life take you to the point that you want kill youself. but ive learned that im not going to let him win.

it felt gud writing this even though i dont know why i am. any advice ppl. i am thinking of getting counselling but my family already think im a wack. i cant think straight anymore this thing is alway in front of my eyes 24/7 blocking any path i take, feeling so scarred, so worthless. i used to be so smart i just dont know whats happening now.

thnx for ur time plz HELP

Don't count on EVER getting over molestation, and frankly it would be a bad sign to have someone bury a trauma so deep in the unconscious that they "forget" it's there.

Any time you experience a trauma and try to forget it........ It will send up all sorts of signals. I've dealt with dozens of men who were raped. When I've worked with this guy for a couple months of fairly intensive exploration, I'll regress him to the rape and have him recall it. Sometimes I have them bring back every detail, others just bits and pieces. Towards the end I make sure to sit at their feet. To remind the unconscious that I'm there (and I tell him as well.......... "I am right here next to you, and while you will feel NO PHYSICAL PAIN, I do want you to recall the details you've told me." I bring them up, and back into the room, and their reactions are pretty similar. At first they're a bit disoriented. They'll look at me, stare deeply into my eyes, and withing a minute or two ERUPT. Mostly they sit up and throw their arms around my neck........... and some of these guys are well trained athletes, AND THEY HOLD ME IN A BEAR HUG THAT WOULD MAKE MOST BEARS CRY "UNCLE." I often hold them there for a couple/few hours while they SOB, and give me tiny snippets of what THEY WERE THINKING DURING AND AFTER IT HAPPENED. Often they tell me that THEY ruined THEIR lives........ life is over...... they have no place to go...... they feel alienated from "regular people" and HATE IT WHEN FRIENDS TRY TO COMMISERATE. I wish men, in particular, but women too, WOULD UNDERSTAND, THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU. THEY DON'T GIVE A sh*t WHAT YOU THINK OR WHAT YOU'D DO. THEY WANT A WARM BODY THAT NOT ONLY DOESN'T SCARE THEM, BUT ALSO MAKES THEM FEEL PROTECTED. Around four hours my entire body is asleep except for my bladder which is ready to explode. They rarely speak, except in grunts and groans. Eventually they can make all the "Harrumph's" they like but I'm not going to piss myself, so I get out from under them and race to the toilet.

One piece I left out, none of my clients are under 21. I don't work with kids for personal reasons, and there's not the room. These boys want me to remove my tee shirt. Half the time they are bare chested, and bare foot. My most recent experience was this same guy and he kept grabbing my tee shirt and pulling it UP. I knew he wanted it up but finally I said, "I have to move forward if you want me to take my shirt off....... another "Harrumph!" This boy is 22 or 23, very attractive, but cannot make contact with people the way he used to and some very negative behaviors were beginning to appear, telling me to get off my ass and do what needed to be done. This was in the middle of the summer, so I was glad to remove the tee shirt. By the time I got down from the bathroom he was down to his jock. His next move was to pull on my shorts and I told him, "Forget it. They're staying on even if you had a shotgun aimed at my head. The most comfortable posture for the guys (I would NEVER do this with a woman, and for that matter, if I suspected where this was headed I'm immediately find her a psychiatrist with hospital privileges....... I consider myself "retired" from this business and writing, but I'm a sucker for a kid in pain, and this kid was in hell. He curled up so his head was in the crook of my arm and now his face was nuzzling my hairy chest. I did not say a word, and I wasn't about to. I knew he remembered, and now we'd start rebuilding, but first he had to mourn.

Folks, after a rape the victim/survivor....... call them what you please...... the person is no longer the same. They very definitely feel as if the guy they used to be died, and this new guy took his place. HE DOES NOT LIKE THE NEW GUY. THE NEW GUY IS A RIGID PAIN IN THE ASS, MOODY, DEPRESSED, AND AS A LOT OF MEN, HE REFUSES TO SHOW IT. Instead he drove me crazy. He was funny and silly and high strung. In many ways like a kid with ADD, but that was it. I never saw him angry or sad or frustrated or hateful. A huge chunk of him was gone, and this goofy persona was so clear, you could see right through it. Oh god he was so hurt and begging for help. It wasn't going to happen in any kind of talk or listen therapy. He'd find something to do that would get him in trouble.

As I held him against my chest he'd take quick glances at my eyes, and I'd smile at him. After another four hours he smiled back. I called his dad and told him he'd be here the rest of the night. It was already eleven and my house looks like a flop house from time to time. Every guy I see is one of MINE. They are my boys. And long after they're leading a happy life and hundreds of miles away, I still hear from them every four or five months. Sometimes I haven't seen them in ten years, and they still call.

I wanted to test the water so I said, "Danny you got snot all over my chest hair.".......... too soon, and I got a "Harrumph!"...... I'm a reasonable patient man but everyone has limits, and I said, "Enough of the grunts. One more grunt and you father can pick you up. He curled up into a tight ball and really put his head almost under my arm. He got both arms around my waist and he tried for spinal damage. I could picture myself in a wheel chair.

I told him he'd had a hard day and it was time for bed. Now we were back at the question......... his question, I had no question...... First I said, "You get under the sheet and I'll sleep on top." He gave me a "drop dead" look and with me on the sheet he got up and rolled me over on the side of the pull our bed where he'd opened the sheet, and pulled the top sheet completely OFF THE BED. Problem solved. We got into bed and naturally he wanted me next to him. Oh Goody, now what. I certainly couldn't sleep with his erection trying to stab me to death, so I said, "Smooth move Kiddo, but IN YOUR DREAMS. I rolled him over and put my arm over his chest and he just buried himself in me. I was exhausted. I woke up five of six hours later, with a morning erection and NO SHORTS. The little sh*t must have unrolled them....... These were lightweight athletic shorts. I said, "Hey Houdini...... how'd my shorts end up on the floor?" He said, "Maybe they fell off." We played this game back and forth, and he crawled across the bed and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I grabbed his face and gave him butterfly kisses all over it. I said, "Well, now you're had your sex for the day."

He's a totally different person. NOW I'VE SEEN HIM ANGRY, USUALLY WHEN I SAY "NO, WE'RE NOT GOING NEAR HYPNOSEX FOR A WHILE." As the sessions came and went he bloomed and the new guy was a whole person. After one more session he said, "Aren't we EVER going to talk about what you so brutally made me remember?" I said, "Boo Hoo, I'm such a bastard. I almost lost my arms and legs after holding you for ten hours and I don't think your dried snot is ever coming off. It's like dried epoxy."

If I could have given him a gift I'd have gone back and had the guys who raped him for dinner....... and I'm NOT kidding. They know I have a slightly volatile temper. Being Mediterranean I'm hot blooded, but even when I blow up, it lasts about five minutes and I forget it. The boys got together and got me several tee shirts........ tie dyed so I'd remember my youth when I got totally senile. Printed on all of them is, "NOT TODAY." I may have said that twice.

The last thing I'll mention is after a week Danny's father called me and said that he could still hear Danny (OBVIOUSLY NOT HIS REAL NAME) crying at night, and he wanted to know how long this was going to take. I made an appointment with him, and did my best to explain that for Danny someone had died....... died as surely as any corpse with no pulse and rotting in the ground. He lost his boyhood. He lost his very youthful was of looking at the world. He is mourning for HIS OWN DEATH. The Danny from before the rape NO LONGER EXISTS. We got a new Danny back and I think he's Aces, but you need to give him room, and for all our sakes don't try to question him. When he's ready to talk to you he will. Most male rape is NEVER reported........ a huge majority. Men feel as if they lost part of their masculinity, and similar to women feel dirty, and fallen into a world of sin. They think everyone can read it on them. And the happy go lucky kid who'd go anywhere is now terrified to go out alone....... AND HE HATES THAT. No man wants to feel as if he has to ask his daddy to come to the mall with him to buy a shirt or new socks. Now my job gets kicked in the ass and I have to get him to see that he wasn't "asking to be raped." I talk to him about the death of that kid, but that the new kid I see before me is a wonderful boy and I still see him as a man, a man I have great respect for. I tell him that so many men let something like this destroy them, but he seemed very strong to me. I told him that his dad and a couple others told me what he was like........ pretty much an average kid, but now he's been through a great trauma, AND that's not all bad. He does seem like a fine man, a good man, and every bit as sweet as he could have been. Then he tells me I'm full of sh*t and I grab him and take him over my knee and slap his ass a couple times. Naturally Danny says, "Oh daddy, more please, and much harder if you don't mind......... Sir." So he still drives me crazy.

You don't want to forget. You DO want to move beyond the blame, and realize that you did nothing wrong, and finally the only way to live is to kinda sorta forgive the guys and send them away from your memory. You cannot let go of that kind of trauma until you see how sad those m****s were and are. They're not normal. They replace making friends and reaching out to other people with violence, but ask yourself; "Where does that lead?" Violence isn't a trade. They don't advertise in the paper, and they'd never get into real OC (half my family was "family"......... and no matter what they did, they were very nice to me........ They were my father's brothers, and he was terribly ashamed of them and what they did. It didn't bother him at all to throw me down a flight of stairs, or pick me up at two or three and throw me into a wall. I got the sh*t kicked out of me till I was twelve and told him, as he raised his fist, if he ever touched me again, he'd better start sleeping with one eye open. He was bigger than I was by two, but he had to sleep. I offered to run and get the knife I had all picked out for him, and that twice I sat holding that knife when he blackened both my eyes. For eleven years I was his punching bag, and never a single word of remorse. We all have scars, and they all appear in one way or another. If you father beats your mother, IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU'LL BEAT YOUR WIFE, it can appear in any number of acting out behavior. I carry his temper, but I have never touched my wife or my kids, and I never screamed at my wife, or called her demeaning words, but I'm a flawed man. I never run away from a fight, and working in nightclubs, it happens once or twice a year. It's lets out all the rage, BUT I always try to make peace. I apologize for calling his wife the Elephant Woman, and explain it was a joke and that's why they payed me. Then I offered to buy him a drink. He drank it and then swung at me. The rest I'll leave to your imagination, but I walked out fine and he walked funny for............ my guess would be a week.

Be Happy LIfe is Far Too Short To Waste Time on Trivia............ Learn all about SEX and you'll always have a smile on your face and a salami in your pants.

I don't mean to ignore women, but I'm very open about saying that "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WOMEN. I ONLY KNOW ONE THING, PERSISTENCE WORKS.

C

I was abused by my dad through the ages of 12-15 and i've never gotten over it really. My mom knows exactly what happened. I'm now 20 and my mom still loves my dad, and shes still with him. It crushes me every day. They Dont like my boyfriend because they say he's not good for me even though he's the only one who understands me and doesnt judge me for what happened to me. i'm still a virgin because the mere thoughts of having sex sickens me to my stomach, and even tho I feel this way, my boyfriend respects my choice and hasn't ever pushed me. I just feel so lost because I live at home and i have to look at my abuser everyday. I keep thinking of Killing myself

Alice,

Killing yourself accomplishes nothing EXCEPT THE WORLD LOSES A TALENTED PERSON. I believe you've either taken over for your abuser and are now abusing yourself by giving in and wanting to die. That may be how your horror is expressing itself. Oh Alice, find a female counselor. I don't care if Jung could rise from the grave, he'd be wrong for you. Go see someone who at least shares the same sex. AND ask if you can come in for an initial consultation. Any shrink worth his/her salt will want at least twenty minutes with you before she decides if she can help you, and if you "click" (a dumb way to say, if she doesn't like you she won't work with you, if she has ANY ethics at all. Shrinks are as human as everyone else, and we have as many deficiencies as anyone.). While she's deciding if she likes you, YOU DECIDE IF YOU LIKE HER. If you don't, as you leave say, "Nice meeting you, but I won't be seeing you as a client," and no matter what she says, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANOTHER WORD.

Find a woman YOU like, someone you can really talk to. Twenty to thirty minutes may seem short, but I bet at a party you can determine if you want to talk to a person or not, in two minutes. That's your intuition talking. Now more than ever you need to go deep into your core (center) and listen to your heart (another way of saying intuition, or gut feeling). IT WILL NEVER TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE BETTER OFF DEAD. That comes from another source that IS OFTEN WRONG, OUR CONSCIOUS MINDS (the part of you that talks constantly).

If you are serious about your suicidal thoughts, GET YOUR BUTT INTO A PSYCHOLOGIST'S CHAIR. Why him and not a psychiatrist? Because Psychologists cannot prescribe. The last thing you need now are drugs, unless the psychologist is very worried and wants you protected, but I'm jumping the gun. I have a knee jerk reaction to "suicidal thoughts" and that is, who planted them in you? I don't mean that someone says to you daily, "You really should kill yourself" That voice is you, and what it wants is to end the pain, but from what you've said, the seed was planted by your parents. We all want our pain to go away, but killing yourself doesn't solve a problem, and allows the perpetrators to wash their hands clean.

See someone, get strong (I couldn't give you a ball park figure of how long it will take. The best answer, meant without sarcasm, is that it will take as long as it does.

Frankly Alice, I don't give a sh*t about your abusers. Let them rot in hell, but let's pull YOU OUT first. A good shrink will eventually, down the road, want to meet your boyfriend. That's a good sign to me. She wants to meet the people you're leaning on.

You don't want death, you want the pain to go away, AND I SWEAR TO YOU, ON MY EYES, IT IS TOTALLY POSSIBLE, but not by calling radio shows, or writing to someone. This site can support you and cheer you on, but if you won't grab the life preserver, how do we stop you from drowning.

SEE SOMEONE. SEE SOMEONE. SEE SOMEONE, SEE SOMEONE. If you want referrals check your yellow pages for Psychologists etc. and listed there, I hope you'll find "OUTREACH CENTERS" that exist to help people get what they need. If you can't find one, call your local (or closest) Suicide Hot-line, and talk to the person on the other end. I'd ask for a women (the smartest, most sensitive, empathetic man on earth isn't wired the same). At this point it's not essential that you speak with a woman. The only help they can give you is more encouragement, AND SOME NAMES OF FEMALE SHRINKS IN YOUR AREA. THERE MAY ACTUALLY BE SOME THAT DEAL WITH PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder........ yours seems to be ongoing). Find someone you like...... that's all, just someone you like....... "like" is far better than a wall full of diplomas and a Grammy....... awards are great, but I think they build walls between you and the shrink. How can they be a friend after all that c**p they did. I have a wall full....... of my children and grandchildren. They are my proudest achievement, and look, they survived!! Find a friend with the qualifications, naturally, but judge her on her ability to "get to you," to seem genuine, to ask the right questions, AND SOMEONE WHO LISTENS. Find, your first friend who sincerely wants to help, and has the skill.

That's the best advice anyone can give you. I get blasted regularly for being long winded. I DON'T CARE. All I care about is reaching you. If it takes more words then SO BE IT. I want to touch your heart and say, someday an abused kid, may well turn to you, and say the same thing, or similar, to what you did, AND YOU'LL BE THERE TO SAY, "LET'S SEE WHAT I CAN DO." The best shrinks are the children of trauma, whether it happens all at once or over a long period.

Alice, please think about this, AND PLEASE WHEN YOU START LOOKING FOR HELP, OR MAYBE FOUND SOME, WRITE AGAIN TO SAY, YOU'VE MOVED FURTHER AND FURTHER AWAY FROM WANTING TO DIE. IT WILL MAKE LIFE A LITTLE EASIER FOR PEOPLE WRITING IN TO LET YOU KNOW THEY CARE ABOUT YOU, WHETHER IT'S FROM THEIR EXPERIENCE, OR JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE NICE. Death never solves the problem, it surrenders to it. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THAT.[

C

I'm 21 years old. I was sexually abused by my brother from ages of 6 to 13. He is 4 years older than me. I always told myself not thinking about it would be like it never happened. I started realizing what an affect this had on all my relationships. I lost my virginity when I was 14 and enjoyed having sex then. Now I won't even touch myself. I get turned on but I hate it. I don't enjoy sex at all. I forgave my brother, I finally came out with it and told my mom and talked to him 6 months ago. He said that something happened to him when he was younger. I forgive him. But I don't know how to get past feeling dirty myself. And also if I could ever have a normal relationship with a man where he makes love to me? I've done a lot of self help work and I've become extremely spiritual but my past is forever haunting me. I'm just so ashamed of my body and I have days where I am okay but then days where I hate everything. I don't love myself one bit. Why should I? My own body betrayed me.. to my brother. SICK!

Dear Lost and Confused,

Your post sounds like what generally happens when you attempt to deal with these kinds of catastrophic problems yourself, and worse when you use "self help books." I know you are trying to be nice by saying you forgave your brother, but you're head is in ten different time zones. Part of you is still locked back IN the abuse. Part of you is lost in your own sexuality. Part of you hates yourself and probably has a little guilt buried somewhere. I hope this makes sense. You can't take something like this on by yourself, and telling people may seem cathartic, but unless you have a purpose in mind, it's just one more place to have a piece of you stuck. The most common excuse for abusing someone else is that the abuser was himself abused. Boo Hoo how sad. Sorry Lost, but that's the extent of my sympathy for victims who become victimizers. Frankly I don't care if he was gang raped by the crew of the Love Boat, THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE FOR TURNING AROUND AND INFLICTING PAIN ON SOMEONE ELSE, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE YOU LOVE, but I have to add that it depends on how old your brother was and what stage of physical and mental development he was in. It still doesn't move me to tears. What an abuser does is a BEHAVIOR, it's not a sickness or a disease. Cancer is a disease. You can't vow to stop having cancer, but you can vow to control yourself.

Regardless, stop taking dibs and dabs of advice. What I just wrote is an OPINION. There's "fact" in it depending on what text book you're looking in.

The ONLY ANSWER for you is to see a competent therapist. And before you forgive your brother, make sure you're his ONLY victim. He may well have had a long line of women he's been "FORCED" to abuse because "something happened to him." Before you forgive him see to it that he gets his ass into a psychologist's chair (male) and you ought to see a woman for a long list of reasons, the biggest of which is that you share the same kind of body and biology and the way you develop and lots more. I'd also worry that a man might not get you to really open up.

You and your brother need help from a human vs. a radio or TV show or a library full of books. You need someone who will LISTEN TO YOU. And you need to properly unburden your psyche and your heart etc. This won't be fast. BUT if you hope to have a "Real Life" with true happiness and love, then you need to see someone, and go back to square one. You need to think of yourself first, but I certainly would consider insisting your brother do the same, before giving him a "pass" on what he did.

So, the only real answer is to get some good professional help. You're like a piece of china that's broken into pieces. You can try to glue it back together yourself or take it to an expert who can put it back almost the way it was. You will carry the memory the rest of your life. Right now it's toxic and it's poisoning you. Your efforts to find a fast answer can never clear the poison. Major trauma doesn't have quick answers. Get help and work toward a better life. I honestly can't tell you what will happen or how your therapy will function. I can tell you it's the only answer that makes any sense at all. And talk to your therapist about your brother. See how you feel about him as your counseling progresses (forgiving him may have seemed like the fastest way to be able to ignore what HE, your own brother, did.) Please, no more attempts at self help. You can put a Band Aid on a paper cut, but you wouldn't attempt to fix your own bullet wound. Abuse is no paper cut.

C

I dont think anyone who was abused will ever 'get over it'. I believe we learn to deal with the past and hopefully one day you wake up and realise it isnt the first thing on your mind anymore. For me, I was abused by father from the age of 3 to 14. To be honest the physical act of sex didnt hurt me as much as the secrets and the lies. He had twisted my mind so much, I felt I was having an affair with him, so therefore i couldnt bring myself to tell anyone. If i resisted him, he didnt punch or kick me, he emotionally blackmailed me, saying 'Oh you dont love me anymore' so id give in tp prove my love for him. I know how sick and twisted that sounds and Its only now that im married with a little girl that i realise this sickness was all on his part. I still carry alot of guilt and shame about it. I did have problems in the sexual area of my relationship with my husband but he has been extremely patient and im learning to differentiate between the abuse and a loving healthy sexual relationship with my husband. Also its thru having my daughter that i see how innocent a 3 year old is, and how there could have been no possible way I could have brought it on myself at her age. So as i said in the beginning of my post, I personally think it will always be part of me, as unfortunate as that is, but at 27 I do have a wonderful life with my husband and daughter and its no longer the first thing i think of when i open my eyes in the mornings.

My answer is no, not fully. When i was 9 or 10, i think, i kinda blocked it out, i was sexually abused by my brother's friend. It was in the summer; my father and mom worked, and my brother brought over friends. I was watching t.v. one day and my brother's friend, Greg*, came in and started to be really friendly. He was really kind to me in the beginning, and he would buy me candy and stuff. Then one day my brother wanted to go to the park and everyone wanted to go except Greg. They all left, including Greg, but Greg came back saying he left his Gameboy, so i let him in. He didn't grab me and force me down right away, just kept being nice. It has taken me years to even accept this happen and i write this with tears in my eyes. I use to think i was disgusting and worry if my mom knew what she would think. Anyway, Greg tickled me and asked if i wanted to play a game. It was naked tag. I told him that i wasnt comfortable with that and it was a weird game, but he told me it was a fun game. i still said no, and he threatened to hit me. So i did as he said. Summer after summer Greg returned each time worse than the next. He hit me a couple of times, threatened to tell my parents that i wanted him to have S** with me if i told anyone. Greg was very sneaky and i was abused for a two years until my brother saw what was going on. My parents called the police and my brother was afraid to bring anyone over anymore. Greg only touched me or made me touch him, so i was thankfully not pregnant or carrying any STD's. I will never get over this. Over the years it has gotten easier. in the beginning i was skittish, if someone touched me i would immediately flinch. But as i am now 17 i have gotten closer to people, although i have never kissed anyone or had a boyfriend. i am scared and i am slowly healing, but i dont think ill ever be fully recovered.

Dear Casx



You sound fairly together, and at first blush like you've got a handle on this experience. If you read what you wrote you'll notice that this is still very vivid in your mind. When you struggle with a problem, until you resolve it, THE PROBLEM CONTROLS YOU. It's like two cars reaching the entrance of a parking garage. Both cars can't fit through the gate side by side. One of them has to give way to allow the other to go in first. The parking structure is the rest of your life. Sitting in your car you are anxious and excited to move forward into the future, but unless the other car (your problem) gets out of your way, YOU ARE STUCK and you can't get in. Many people give in and allow the problem to take their power away and enter their lives. Once you let that car go ahead of you, it will be in your mind and on your mind forever. So you are at an impasse. The only way to proceed with the rest of your life is to deal with the problem. You think you've done that, and you're making progress, but your life is still governed by fear and the abuse is still taking its toll. You can close your eyes and imagine the rest of your life, but to open them and be FREE. I believe your best bet is a support group. Find one in your area that deals with abuse. Over time, and talking to other people who can empathize with you, makes the other car smaller and smaller. It will never go away, BUT it will no longer keep you from the rest of your life. Trauma cannot be forgotten, but we can drain it of all its power over us. First, you make it small enough that you can pull into the gate with a much smaller little car next to you. It's there but it's not able to stop you or short circuit your goals and dreams. Certainly you want to be able to interact with other people, hold hands and kiss without this problem always in your way, always blocking your path. I'd urge you to find a group with stories to tell. You'll find the more you share it and hear other stories, the more ideas you'll have to deal with it and keep it from holding you in place. Right now you're playing tug of war with your experience, and as long as you play, you're not available to do anything else. See if other people who know what it's like, can give you suggestions OR just listen till you stop wasting your time being controlled by this force. You can say what you like, it sounds like you spend a good deal of your life trying to get away from this experience. Find a safe place to share and see how other "successful" members managed to escape their abuse from holding them and blocking them and always acting as a roadblock. Good Luck.



C

I was abused by 3 different family members by the time I was 8...I am 50 now and still having emotional probs. The thing that gets me is my family all knows about it and yet I am the outsider. My mother's only response in that I should have told her, so I feel the blame, in her eyes, in placed in my lap by not telling her(personally, I think she knew of some of it while it was happening). I have no one i feel I can talk to and can't afford a shrink. Where can I go for help? I am so sorry this happens to people , but I am thankful for sites like this...

You absolutely can get help for sexual abuse issues. They are not much different than PTSD's. I agree with much of what's already been posted on this topic, however you don't have to suffer needlessly.
The complex emotional issues arising out of sometimes one act can, and will, have a long-term effect on someones life. It can influence pretty much the rest of our lives, including who we have future relationships with.

I know of a woman who was repeatedly abused in a girls reform school on a regular basis in her teens. Since that time, all of the men in her life also either abused or beat her.

I encourage you to consider a technique known as EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). Research it on the net and call a practitioner in your area. But please be specific when you are advising the EFT person what your emotional issues are. Not all EFT practitioners deal with trauma and abuse. I have taught EFT to many victims and I have seen it work wonders. Now I'm not saying that it will change your life right away, but a skilled practitioner will be able to bring you relief, and show you how to practice it on your own so that you can continue to recover.

The most important thing is to get help, don't allow the emotional issues caused by the actions of someone else to ruin your life.

All the best !
Bob

There's plenty of free help out there. See if there are any outreach centers in your phone book (look under psychologists and psychiatrists and see if they list any centers there. If all else fails call the Suicide Hotline and tell them you need help and don't have the money necessary for most professionals. Ask them for any outreach centers in the area or the names of professionals who will see you regardless of funds. Half the men I know in this field do at least a few hours a week of pro bono work. My first question would be, why have you waited so long? I'd want to dig out all your personal issues that kept you quiet. Often we hold feelings of guilt especially in multiple cases of abuse by different people. People begin to think there's something wrong with them. Generally speaking predators know exactly how to spot people who are easy prey, and they make sure to add to your own insecurity by telling you that this is something you wanted. I suspect something like that here. Why? Because this started when you were 8 and it's taken you 42 years to begin to open up and talk about it. I'm not going to suggest any specific therapy. At this moment you need an ear and a shoulder. Once you see someone one to one and are able to tell your story, you'll be in a better place to make decisions about types of therapy. Also, NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER AND USEFULNESS OF SUPPORT GROUPS. Make a few phone calls, to Social Services and ask for Support Groups for Adults with a history of abuse.



You've been living with this for 42 years, which means you've developed several coping mechanisms, and each of them needs to be pulled out and explored. Until you get back the power over your life, you'll remain frozen where you are.



What disturbs me is the way you dismiss help and until you are able to say, "I will find a way to get the help I need no matter what it takes." You say, "I have no money for a shrink." Well, that sure was easy. It tells me that you have never gone looking. How many groups have you spoken to? There are lots of fully functioning people out there who overcame their abuse, and some of them were foster children who had NO MONEY, but they had a burning desire for a life free from this horrible trauma, and found a way.



To try to make sense of this you must get to a point where you don't think of a possibility and then start a list of why it won't work. I agree that you need help. But you've lived with this for a long time which tells me that you've turned away from possible help along the way. THAT ISN'T IMPORTANT......... unless you continue this pattern and find yourself 55 and then 60. This is UP TO YOU. YOU have to WANT THE HELP. Give me a list of all you have tried. I only ask because you have to take the first step. You've got a lot of people pushing you to get help. Lots of people who've been in your shoes. My final questions are: Just how badly do you want help? Do you want it badly enough to make it the focus of your life, because if it interferes with your life, you should make yourself a pledge to do something about it, and NOT GIVE UP. If you hit one dead end, you try for something else, if that doesn't work, you keep trying. I promise you will find what you want. Now I need to know what that is. Please tell me what YOU want.



For a moment forget the shrinks and the professionals and the groups and everything else. WHAT DO YOU WANT? THAT IS NOT CLEAR TO ME. Before you go hunting, it's a good idea to figure out what you're looking for. What do you want?



Good Luck!