Do you ever get over sexual abuse?

I was sexually abused from the time i was eight until I was fifteen. I never had the courage to tell anyone about it, so it went on getting steadily orse and worse for seven years. I was thankfully never raped, though I fear that I was very close to it. I originally told someone by telling my best friend. Then my boyfriend. Then, with the help of my est friend, pushing me to do it and being there when i did it, I was albe to tell. Nothing really happened. My family chose not to believe me. That seriously stopped the healing. Eventually, they believed me and the rest of the family was told, finally my aunt, who approached my uncle, the one who had done the abuse. While he and my aunt got divorced, charges were never pressed. I lived in worry for months afterward that he was going to come to take revenge on me. Murder me and then rape me. I didn't sleep for a month. I had to ahve my friend sleepover with me from tie to time to wake me up from the nightmares I was having. I've not been able to come to terms with it. I can live a pretty normal life, but only by sheer will. I don't do well with intimate touching unless I make myself ok it. I can't trust my family. Many small comments set me off into dpression and horrible moods. And not only did I suffer, and do still suffer, but my best friend suffered with me and sufferes with me still. The abuse hurt me forever and my best friend.

My current GF was abused for almost four years when she was 8. She is okay for the most part. She has panic attacks, but lives a very "normal" life. She has lots of nightmares about things like that. I don't think she's ever really talked about it openly with anyone. I haven't asked her to talk to me about it, (honestly, I'm a little afraid to hear about it) but she mentions things about it every now and then. Should I ask her to talk about it? Will it help her emotionally? I know she trusts me and feels safer with me than she's ever been. What can I do to help her?

i agree.i'm 42 and can not make the feelings of being worthless go away.i have always felt like i'm not worth loving.i have told my story to only one person in all these years.i thought it would help to say it out loud but it didn't.so here i am unable to find anything good about myself.

i have been married 25 years and have mention the sexual abuse to my husband.he has not one time ask me anything about it.so i can tell u yes you should ask her about it and let her tell you what happened to her and always make her feel wanted and loved.i wouldn't know how it feels for someone to care that much about me...

I truly appreciate all of the thoughtful answers that I have been reading. When was four years old (I'm now 54), my two brothers (ages 10 and 13) made me perform fellatio on them. I'll never forget it. We lived on a farm and it was by a little pond that was in the back of our house. I stll remember the cattails by the water. It only happened one time. Then when I was about 13, I was walking through a large store and a boy in his 20s passed me and ran his fingers all the way up my leg to my genitals. I was absolutely stunned that someone would do that in public. A year or two after that, a older cousin-in-law came onto me at my mom's house. I was in my early 20s and he was in his 40s and married. Nothing happened but a grope and he tried to kiss me. Oh, I guess I should mention that my father died when I was nine so I never really had a male role model other than my two brothers. Okay, I understand that there is sexual abuse that is far worse than this, but ANY sexual abuse leaves scars and can make a potentially loving and normal human being turn into a distrusting, emotionally needy and promiscuous adult. After a multitude of destructive relationships, I finally married someone that "actually wanted to marry me." Well, I ended up screwing it up and we've been divorced for eight years. I have three great teenage children that I am thankful for, but I'm an emotional wreck because of all the guilt that I carry. How I wish I could go back 54 years and run away from that pond and find my mother. I ask myself, "why didn't I run?" Why did I dutifully perform fellatio on my brothers? My two brothers are both very successful men. One a business owner and the other a retired airlines pilot who is now active in the Catholic church. I would love to be able to tell everyone what they did to me as a child but I don't know what or how to go about this. Do I ruin someone else's life to set my own life free at last? So, in answer to the question about ever healing from sexual abuse, it has been my experience that you do not. After reading some of these posts, I realize that I need to find support outside my family. Good luck to all that read this. You've all made me realize that I'm not alone.

All

What is interesting about this thread, is that many of you seem to think that you can never recover. I have some hopeful news for you.

I cannot speak for rape victims, as I myself am not one. I have suffered through childhood molestation, by none other than my biological father. To this day, I am unable to see this man as a parent. For many years I simply denied his existence (without knowing why, other than I hated him). If I was questioned regarding his whereabouts or our relationship, I would respond that he had died when I was 2. This, in itself, is self-destructive. Denying that the abuse happened empowers the abuser.

While you will never get rid of the memories, the pain of the abuse will, if you allow it, fade.

I was abused from the age of 8 to the age of about 11. I then didn't see him for 3 years and he tried again when I was 13. By then I had already manifested a lot of agression and quite literally told him to get f****. I buried the trauma and it was only a couple of weeks before my 21st (8 years later) that all those memories came flooding back. The worst of it, he had made contact with my mom and somehow they arranged for him to be at my party. I am one of the lucky ones. My mom believed me when I told her and she held me while I sobbed for 2 hours as the images of each occurance replayed itself in my mind's eye.

According to Freud, I had a very good chance of becoming homosexual, but this did not happen. Instead, I became a promiscuous youth with no conscience. I was a cold, heartless womanizer and manipulated people into doing my bidding. To put it plainly, I was the one your parents banned you from seeing. To this day I am still a highly sexed individual, only I am no longer promiscuous. I am happily married, but my wife suffers due to my insatiable appetite.

There are many negative side-effects that I have worked through and are no longer a factor, but some still remain. I doubt I will ever have a "normal" sex-drive (whatever that may be), but it is something that is easily managed. As for the other emotional scarring...

I was hyper-aggresive as a teen and through mosty of my early twenties. I am still short-tempered, but better able to control it now. I no longer feel that everyone is out to abuse or hurt me. I am still a cynic, but it doesn't stop me from living a good life. I have learned empathy, giving me the ability to understand that others have feelings that can be hurt. I am able to put myself in someone else's shoes and see it from their perspective. Allowing me to react in a way that would result in a positive outcome for all parties.

It has taken me 20 years to get over the abuse. I have only been actively working on it for 12 years, but while you are growing, you are changing and trying to cope with the challenges that life puts your way. What the laymen don't understand is that any form of sexual abuse does not just abuse your body, it rapes your mind and soul. It destroys an integral part of your being and steals a part of your. When you molest a child, you steal their innocence!

Now the good news...

I have told you that I have improved... here is how I went about it. (Please, this might not work for everyone, but it did for me.)

I have avoided seeking professional help, as I believe that I am an individual and cannot be boxed. I refuse to submit to being catgorized or classified as SOMETHING. That labelling is nonsense!

I spoke to my mother about it and I decided that I needed to confront him. I asked my mom to make contact and invite him over. I made sure that I had another witness (my best friend at the time) whilst speaking to him. I made sure that he understood the damage he had caused and basically I took the power away from him. I had it all my hands!
From that moment on I had no more contact with him. I started life from scratch and would remind myself daily that I was worthy of attention and love. I would look in the mirror and tell myself that I was great and attractive and fun and anything else that I had always thought I was not.

About 18 months later I met the woman of my dreams. Between the two of us we worked through this together. She has been my inspiration and guiding light through 11 years now. There are still aspects of my personality which grate her and that need to be worked on, but overall we have an exceptionally good relationship and talk about everything.

Don't get trapped by "like minded" people. You might think that you are helping each other, but you are only causing deeper damage. Do yourself a favour, surround yourself with people that are successful in their chosen fields and are positive about life in general. That is the most important factor. Always be positive!

So, in summary... Face your demon, behead him and HEAL.

There is one last thing you need to do... This is going to sound very odd, but you need to FORGIVE that person. Forgetting is almost impossible, but you do need to forgive. This is not some religious jab, or bible bashing....

When you are able, because it will take time, simply forgive that person for harming you. The capacity for forgiveness is what seperates us from savages! Once you are able to do this, your healing will be MUCH quicker. I promise you this. Forgiveness will lead to your being able to move on with your life. Your focus will no longer be on that pain, but rather on the betterment of your life!

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Wishing you all a successful recovery.
Jai

I am 55 years old and I am not a survivor, I am a "liver" I went through the era that if you told you were beaten or sent to a shrink because you made it up. At 14 I was given "antidepressant" by the time I was 20 I was on 40 milgrams of valtium a day (weigt 85 lbs) so you all know how this story ends

This must I know I didn't what to just survive, I wanted to live my life. Relationships and life have been a problem but I am living my life.

The abuse stopped with me, I damn sure wasn't going to pay it foward

Was I a good mother, I was the best mother I could be and I gave my child a special password just encase I ever step over the abuse line. Thankfully, I never pasted that line but I know I got close.

In order to make love to a man I must have control of everything.....it is things like no OLD SPICE.....when I say stop it is not because he scares me it is because I see the abuser.....no arms near my neck.....and never box me in

Strange as it is I have had a wonderful sex life

Of course, I never trust anyone except my daughter and grand daughter, and I am so okay with that.

There are a few things that I have learn along the way, know it you forgive you will never forget

When the nightmares return I repeat the Serenity Pray (I usually don't get by the 1st sentence "...accept the things I can not change...I just keep repeating it till I fall asleep)

Alcohol and drug is a temporary fix and one day you realize that there is not enough stuff to take away the pain so you have to chose....

And finally and this is the "liver part" .....They took the 1st half of my life......and I am not going to let them ruin the rest of my life

So forgive, forget, write letters, keep dairies, stub pic, do voodoo, act like it never happened.....BUT IN THE END DON'T LET THEM STEAL ONE MORE SECOND OF YOUR LIFE......YOU ARE A SPECIAL GIFT, A MIRACLE, A GLOW AND A SPECIAL SOUL....NO ONE CAN HOLD YOU BACK BUT YOURSELF.

Live everyday like it is your last day, tell the people that you love how much you love them (even if it hurts, tell them everyday) and if you have to go back to the old days that you had no control over....go there waste a few hours, days,or years....keep going back there until you are tried of the pain.....

When I wake up in the morning I can choose to be happy or sad.......I choose happy everyday because I am a "liver"

It takes time. Everything takes time. I'm only fifteen. Before I was in preschool I was sexually abused by someone very close to me. It wasn't even that bad, and it only happened once. That person use to be one of my favorite people in the world, until I grew up and knew it wasn't right. It's very sad, but I feel absolutely no love for that person anymore. No one in my family understands why I'm so horrible to that person, but I could never tell them. I can't even bottle it up and think about it later. Later is my 'Now'. I see this person every day, and they have no idea about it. He's an alcoholic and would never remember. I know one day I'll move on and be at peace with it, but it's hard to forget and forgive if it was someone you once loved so much.

I'm 18 years old and i've been abused many times in my life.
age 3-6
age: 10
age 13
and age 17

There isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about it but i also don't let it run my life.
One long term affect is that i've NEVER been able to have a good relationship..
i force myself to try and be normal and take a boyfriend one day at a time but i always end up breaking up with
them because.sorry guys. i hate men. they make crude jokes about sex and while yeah i do laugh when im with the girls
when i hear it from a guy it makes me want to punch them in the face. I've had one really good rfelationship with a guy because he never pressured me and wouldnt bring up sex until i did. After the break up it's never been the same because another kind of trust was broken.
While i dont think about it every day when i need have something normal it always seems to get in the way. its also very hard when it
comes to family and friends. you'll go around hating this certain person and they dont get it and think your a horrible b****.
I've only told one person in my entire life and it honestly did help. having just one person to talk about it with is a really good feeling.
I've never had consentual sex because i dont want to give someone that power and bond until i know its true. It makes in easier that
i'm very religious :-)


so in a way no you never get over it.

It is hard to know if you are recovered or not.

My life started with the emotional neglect by my parents. Aged 11 I was sent to boarding school and in my emotional vacum I became an easy and willing victim. when one abuser moved on I would quickly find another. Since I craved the attention and went to it willingly i never thought of it as abuse till I was almost thirty and in the middle of a breakdown.

As an adult I found it impossable to emotionally connect with any man and behaved like a w****. Through my breakdown I wrote a lot as my only therapy and really felt like I had fixed myself. Shortly after i met a man and we bonded, shared our pasts and for the first time i felt love. I finally felt able to make a comitment and we married, and had children. We are still in love but things are not all rosy. My sex drive is low, I would be happy with sex twice a month now where as he would prefer twice a day. I always hear that men have a higher drive than women so didn't think too much about it at first but slowly I started to wonder if it was a simptom of the abuse he suffered as a boy. Now I am sure of it. The only question now is will we get through this or will it eventually pull us appart.

So it seems that I may not be as healed as I thought but day to day I hardly think about it anymore. In my case i think the neglect of my parents has been the root of all my troubles and that still needs work. I have reported my first abuser to the police and would go to court but this wont happen untill one of his other victims will do the same.

Every day I try to be a better, more understanding, thoughtful person and my childen are growing up in a loveing home. On the whole I would say It is possable to get over abuse but only if you really work at it and it does take a long, long time.

Don't give up!

About four years ago, I was molested by my Youth Minister. Throughout the four years in between and even recently, he would try to talk to me again and it would eventually get sexual. I find myself questioning whether or not it was okay... I just recently told him that if I ever hear from him again I'll make sure he is locked up. ugh, I don't even know how it got so far with him and me. It's almost like he made me believe that it was what I wanted... I still blame myself for being so vulnerable and at the time feeling like it was "normal". I currently have depression issues, eating disorders, anxiety, panic attacks and my emotions are everywhere sometimes. I have started telling people about it which can make you feel so much better. But forgiving myself and the bastard is probably the biggest milestone.

I haven't stepped into a church in years now, and don't believe in what I used to believe in. I don't know how people recover... but I hope I do.

anonymous wrote:

Guest wrote:

getting sexually abused makes you feel so incredibly worthless.

i agree.i'm 42 and can not make the feelings of being worthless go away.i have always felt like i'm not worth loving.i have told my story to only one person in all these years.i thought it would help to say it out loud but it didn't.so here i am unable to find anything good about myself.

dont give up someones ready to talk
i was abused from 7 to 16 and im 42 it affects me
if you need to talk e mail me at ***this post is edited by moderator *** *** private e-mails not allowed **
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its hard to find ppl to talk to and i know what it is like

I am 52, my abuse started when I was nearly 8 years old, sadly I struggle with the memories still. My abuser was a recent step brother my dad married his mother. It wasn't bad enough to think that my mother no longer wanted me and my little brother since we were the only 2 out of 6 children she gave up custody to, but to have the horror of abuse start nearly immediately after getting a "new" mother and brother. I didn't say a word because I was "threatened" that this animal would take his mother away as well and my brother and I would end up in some foster home. I didn't know any better as I stated I was 8 and this was the 1960's, I didn't even know what sex, oral or any other kind was.
This person, and I use the term loosely, forced me to perform oral sex on him often and at one point had his friend from his old neighborhood watch.
This situation haunted me for most of my life, it adversely effected my relationship with my recently deceased husband. After this pigs mother passed in 2007 I did tell my father, whose response was "he always thought that happened" even though not a single attempt was ever made to verify his suspicions with me. I did also tell my sisters after I was an adult and upon my fathers recent passing 2010 the rest of my siblings were informed.
I suggest keeping a journal and by all means as soon as possible seek the help of a qualified therapist. I do know now that none of this was my fault, however, the pain and humiliation has been a constant in my life for 44 years and continues even now.
I hope that you all will be able to heal and realize that these abusers are not people but are predators and as far as I am concerned forgiveness will not come from me, my abuser can seek forgiveness elsewhere.
Thanks for the opportunity to share my story. JMC

I am 16. I was sexually abused since i don't know how little to when i was eleven by my grandpa. Me and my family went through a lot after i finaly told my parents. He never went to jail even though we pursued a case against him. ONly my closest friends know and i never talk about it. I never went to therapy even though i was told by my lawyer that i should. I sort of think i should now but i'm scared to bring it up to my family since the trial ended 2 years ago. I've been suicidal and have abused myself to get over everything. Nobody but my 2 closest friends know about that part. My grandpa just died a month ago. I didn't feel good or bad about it. I never cried. I still hate him when the rest of my family love him. I'm told to forgive him and remember the good things but to me i cant. all i can ever remember is him toutching my. I lost a lot of people that were close to me when i told the truth. My parents made me go to the funeral and my mom told me how strong i was because i didn't cry when everyone else did. There was really no way for me to cry though. it's not because i'm strong it's just because i don't care about him. Now everyone is acting like nothing ever happened and i don't know how to take this. I feel so out of place with my family. I thought they all hated me for 5 years and now everything is supposed to be back to normal. I used to cry all the time before i told my parents but now i'm back to crying. I don't know what to do. I'm just so confused. I don't want this to be in my mind for the rest of my life. I don't want to have to tell a husband what happened to me. I don't want to go on living like this. I can't seem to trust guys either. I have tons of guy friends but the longest i've ever had a boyfriend is 2 months. He's also the only guy i really trust i just can't seem to tell him why i broke up with him. :/ I don't know. I don't know how to get over this. :/

I agree with everyone that commented on this subject. No matter how much you try or what you try, the mental mess that is always remains. And it does depend on the severity, but you still never forget. For me, my abuse started at the age of 7 at the hands of a white teenage family friend and continued til about the age of 12 by various males and females including family members. It sounds bazaar doesn't it? Why I was such a magnet, Im not sure. But I stressed race for the first encounter, because til this day that is what arouses me. It makes me sick. For the longest time I hated white men. I stuck to only black and hispanic men, because although females had their crack at me; those didn't go as deep as the first touch. My first touch and kiss and actually sexual intercourse were all white men. So now I have a problem. I am now 31 years old with a 9 year old son. I was married to his father a black man, but he was no more equipped to help me get over my demons that I was. I was never really happy with him. I was never really happy with him because my first everything was the white male. This was not a love story. This was molestation from a 15 year old white boy on a 7 year old black little girl who trusted him because he was friends with my older siblings and I trusted him because I saw him as my big brother. Do you get over it? No you absolutely do not. It has taken me this long to piece together what is wrong with me. I went through my phase of trying to figure out whether I was gay because of the female influence that was involved and I came to realize that that wasn't an issue because it always went back to that first touch, that first experience of sexual stimulation. I had to make up my mind as to whether to remain single. Because the black & hispanic males that I attracted treated me like a door mat and I couldn't stomach the white males because although the arousal might have been there the sickening feelings of something must be completely wrong with me because of why I was attracted to the white male. I have issues with pornography and what is messed up is that I hate the portrayal of women as mere objects to satisfy a man's appetite, but again this is the part of me that is messed up. One quick scene can do for me what a shot of heroin does for a drug addict or what a shot of heavy alcohol does for an alcoholic - it takes the edge off. And after the dust settles, I am sick to my stomach because I hate myself for even exposing my eyes and my heart to the very things that has me messed up. I hate myself because I have to drill into my son's head to be careful of not only of adults and children that might attempt to touch him, but also that he understands that he isn't supposed to act inappropriately towards anyone. My ex-husband said I was too overprotective. Well Im just not willing to take the risk of opening my child up to have fight the same muck and mire I've have been trying to escape all my life. I hate looking at myself because I am still fighting with myself and I still have to appear normal to my son. I hate myself because I can't end this pain by taking my life because I have to live for my son to help him get through his. So I am stuck and I am messed up. I am mad and the sorry fool that started this mess is off somewhere living his life. He is living his life. And I am suffering through mine. The only way that I have been able to cope is my writing and Bible study when I push myself to do it and prayer when I stop being so self absorbed enough to recognize that all of my close calls could have ended in my brutal death. And had I died, then I wouldn't have my son to fight for. He is the one joy that is in my life. I have decided not to remarry and to abstain from relationship and sex. It took me a long time to come to this conclusion, but again it stems back to the first touch. I am too scared to let another back into my heart out of so many fears. So this is the best I can do for now. This keeps me sane. This is what I can live with.