Guys: Anal sex versus vaginal

I thought exactly what you did at first, but now.. I just don't know. I stopped having normal sex with him and he didn't complain at first but he started asking why I didn't seem to want to have normal sex with him. I told him I enjoyed it better and preferred it ( what I really meant was that I liked knowing he was enjoying it rather than having to guess..) but I was pretty convincing I guess because he started asking me why I didn't like having sex with him anymore and started to get almost teary. So I told him my heart isn't in it because I don't truly believe he likes it and I actually just can't enjoy it at all if I feel that way, so there is no point. He keeps telling me he does and gives me lots of convincing reasons that don't always seem so convincing later. Some seem plausible but some..just don't make sense. I've asked him many times lately if maybe his mind and his body aren't in sync because his head and heart keep telling him he wants normal sex but his body disagrees. He says I'm wrong. Well, I don't know anymore. I'm just getting frustrated. I have completely led him to believe that I only want anal and that makes him unhappy but yet he doesn't seem 100% when we actually have sex, although, admittedly, we've only done it a few times as opposed to anal, as he brought up. So I guess I'll have to see. I don`t know that he thinks it`s just a test- I always give him whatever he wants and he knows I will do anything for him. He`s pretty used to that by now.



We do communicate normally- it`s only this last little while that things have gone weird. And we are talking about things now but for the first time in our 7 years, I don`t know if I believe him. I always had no reasons to doubt him before.

I don`t think postpartum is really the issue by this point. I adapt to things pretty quickly, and honestly, I`m doing pretty much everything, so it`s not like it`s because he`s stressed out and exhausted by being a new father. I don`t ask for anything and always let him sleep. Although I guess I`m secretly a little bitter since he was the one who wanted to have a baby.. but that doesn`t affect him. Just me. He does work in construction and I know his job is shitty and tiring but, come on, he`s had the same job for almost 5 years. Seems too coincidental that just now it is affecting us this much. But who knows. Again, I guess we`ll have to see.... :(

I've been doing anal with my boyfriend and could you please message me and help me to enjoy it better?

cll12345 - there are literally hundreds of guides and discussions on anal sex out there which will help you find it more enjoyable. You just need to search.

Start out really slow, don't force it in, use lots of lube on him and you. It may take a while to get it all the way in. Do not rush it or you will tear something and it won't work. Once he is in, the hard part should be over and I personally have no problem going as fast as he wants , but it may be different for you so make sure you keep it as slow as you need and stop as much as you need to until you are comfortable. Takes practice.

UGH now I have a new problem. :( He literally did a 180 and now he is totally into normal sex (oh yes, I can tell. Lol.) and we had the best sex ever for 5 or 6 hours on our anniversary. But I realized that now I have become so used to anal that even though I do not prefer it, I have become used to the sensation and seem to have trouble getting off without it and a vibrator. :/ What the hell! Talk about mixed messages if I constantly start asking to switch to anal.. he will be confused and probably a little upset/bothered. And I don't WANT to switch to it.. but I'm finding normal sex 1) a little mild after the continued anal episodes but 2) at the same time more painful then anal (opening feels tighter because I had stitches so everything is uncomfortable.) . But I don't want to have anal all the time, and I love having normal sex with him.. but he can tell I am not actually climaxing when we do and I can tell it's bothering him. (Although it doesn't actually bother me all that much- only the fact that it is anal that pushes me over the edge with the aid of a vibrator. ) Confused. :(

And for the record, I used to be able to climax during regular sex without a vibrator or hands. Just him, so he knows I can do it. But now I can't even during petting or oral. Even alone I need a vibrator and some sort of anal stimulation. What the hell? Totally lost on what to do. 

After childbirth and stitches my partner also had trouble with reaching a climax. It is only the powerful sensations of anal sex that push her over the edge.



If it feels good then carry on doing it. Whatever it is you do stop feeling bad about it.

It does seem somewhat like a reversal of roles. Now it is your head that is telling you one thing and your body another. My partner used to be confused as liking regular sex was what you're "supposed" to do, yet her body was sending a very different message as the orgasms she would have through anal sex were so much stronger.



But coming back to your husband - have you told him that it feels different since the birth and that you have more difficulty reaching a climax? Perhaps he'd be reassured if he knew it wasn't anything he was doing/not doing.

anallover wrote:

lynn89 wrote:

UGH now I have a new problem. :( He literally did a 180 and now he is totally into normal sex (oh yes, I can tell. Lol.) and we had the best sex ever for 5 or 6 hours on our anniversary. But I realized that now I have become so used to anal that even though I do not prefer it, I have become used to the sensation and seem to have trouble getting off without it and a vibrator. :/ What the hell! Talk about mixed messages if I constantly start asking to switch to anal.. he will be confused and probably a little upset/bothered. And I don't WANT to switch to it.. but I'm finding normal sex 1) a little mild after the continued anal episodes but 2) at the same time more painful then anal (opening feels tighter because I had stitches so everything is uncomfortable.) . But I don't want to have anal all the time, and I love having normal sex with him.. but he can tell I am not actually climaxing when we do and I can tell it's bothering him. (Although it doesn't actually bother me all that much- only the fact that it is anal that pushes me over the edge with the aid of a vibrator. ) Confused. :(

It does seem somewhat like a reversal of roles. Now it is your head that is telling you one thing and your body another. My partner used to be confused as liking regular sex was what you're "supposed" to do, yet her body was sending a very different message as the orgasms she would have through anal sex were so much stronger.

But coming back to your husband - have you told him that it feels different since the birth and that you have more difficulty reaching a climax? Perhaps he'd be reassured if he knew it wasn't anything he was doing/not doing.

He can tell it feels different because he knows I am not climaxing.. I don't think it is because of childbirth (although certain positions hurt now. But I am mainly referring to clitoral stimulation), but rather because I got very used to using a vibrator exclusively when pregnant and mostly anal as well-because anal is what he wanted and he wasn't touching anything but my boobs and ass anymore (apparently the baby being there messed with his head.). I'm probably desensitized, and that's the problem. Either that or my subconscious still feels totally uncomfortable now after everything-it all made me feel so unwanted to not have him touch me and only have me do everything to him every day and do everything else that had nothing to do with my vagina. I have ocd and anxiety which I control very well from the outside but inside, it's not so easy. I find it very hard to truly relax and stop thinking.. Hell, it's probably both. He assumes it's just that I am desensitized and feels guilty because when I was pregnant we did what was good only for him and not me and now that he's trying to make up for it things don't work for me anymore,. I can rarely even finish myself off without a vibrator and some anal stimulation. I just can't relax without enough over stimulation so it doesn't matter that I'm uncontrollably tense. I have NEVER had problems with not climaxing before and used to be pretty quick, but now I just can't. But it's not like I'm not aroused now. I always am.. Things just don't feel intense enough to overcome the mental blocks and the inside just hurts, so clitoral orgasm is the way to go..it just won't work. I'm trying not to use a vibrator or use anything anally to see if I'll become more sensitive again but now it's been about a week since I climaxed-alone or with him. Keeping in mind we have sex everyday or pretty close. I feel frustrated now. :( He wants me to try to not do those things now because he wants to be able to make me feel good so he can be assured that he satisfies me (which I was until I started feeling pressure to climax when he touches me/goes down on me or has sex with me without a vibrator or anal.) but how is me going totally cold turkey satisfying? :( I don't want to need those things either, and I admit maybe the anal part is because I got so used to thinking that is what he likes and my biggest turn on is turning him on, so I feel like I'm in a catch 22. I feel stressed to climax so he doesn't feel stressed and not climax but the stress of climaxing obviously stops me and only a vibrator will do the trick with some sort of anal play because it's too intense to ignore. I dunno. It all sounds very complicated and ridiculous by this point and I don't know what to do and I'm ranting again so I'll just end the post I guess.

Another thing to add is that I like things kinky and intense. We used to have kinky regular sex too but he told me he likes that to be more romantic and one thing he likes about anal is that it's kinky- doesn't seem as into making regular sex kinky and intense anymore unless an anal toy or fingers are added on me as part of it..so not really regular-kinky. Mood killer for me. I want things kinky and if anal is what makes it so- well, it will just turn me on way more whether I like it or not. I have sex with my mind just as much as my body, I guess. Typical female, only veto the emotional/romantic part. I want sh*t hot.

Two things:

Sex nearly everyday? All I can say given the fact you've just had a baby is..well done - quite a feat, Still, were all different. But I can't hep thinking that must be piling on the pressure given you're present difficulties.

Secondly, him not wanting you to use a vibrator and/or anal stimulation because "He wants me to try to not do those things now because he wants to be able to make me feel good so he can be assured that he satisfies me" sounds a little selfish to me. Seems like its become a pride thing for him. You need to do whatever it takes to reach your climax. How would he like it if he wasn't allowed to get off and not touch his penis? All looks a bit one-sided to me.

Nah, he's not pressuring me. I'm usually the one to offer. Sometimes cause I want to and other times because I like to make him happy. Either way, he doesn't badger me. (I am addicted to the closeness it brings though- that's partially why I did it so much when I was pregnant even though I don't know how enjoyable it actually was..) Although, i really didn't enjoy it for the first several weeks after having the baby because it hurt either way we did it, but he didn't really know that because I made it seem like it didn't and still offered it. But that's not his fault. 

Just saw this hread, thought I'd chime in:
Don't feel badly about posting/sharing with strangers. The reality is, you are thinking "out loud" and getting your thoughts straight before you speak with your hubby. It's a great way to clarify the way you feel, vent negative sh*t that won't help and sometimes get an outside opinion that isn't biased by a relationship with either of you.

On a side note, I am a sucker for intense, kinky sex too and started out doing anal as an add on to intense, amazing sex...and I have never looked back! I understand the concern tho. Wondering if that's all he wants, or if it's better. My man has an obsession with my vagina, so I don't worry about him no longer wanting vaginal...but I still wondered.

IMHO, I think you should trust your relationship, keep talking and relax. Tell him to be mellow too! He is feeling himself guilty for choices you both made and they are in the past. Now is the time to enjoy your wonderful baby, and reconnect with each other. You have your whole lives to play and find what works to make both of you happy; it doesn't have to happen today. Think of it as an exploration...just imagine all the other things you can introduce and try! ;P

Yea, that's pretty much what it is with these forums. I don't exactly have a lot of people to talk to since I'm stuck at home with a newborn. It's either taking care of baby or exercise. So I'm alone most of the time with my thoughts. :/ Normally I would tell him everything, but this is actually about him and this time I don't see how all of these things would be productive to say.



He USED to have an obsession with my vagina. Lol. Now he's always wanting to touch it a lot. But he wouldn't touch me there at all when I was pregnant so it really messed with my head. The first time he tried to go down on me (a month or so postpartum) I felt so self-conscious and nervous I started to cry and asked him to just stop. I guess we all wonder that sort of thing (if he still likes vaginal after having anal) but in my over-analytical mind I got confirmation of my fears, even if I didn't in reality.



Thank you. Yea, I think we'll get over it.. it's just that I have never had a reason to be uncomfortable like this in our relationship before and it freaked me out. He went from being always into me, always talking, laughing, joking, having fun, touching.. to nothing. Just played video games and ignored me the whole pregnancy, so I started offering anal and blow jobs every day so he would just spend some time with me, since he didn't want me to play the games with him or participate in anything he liked and wasn't really into regular sex. It sucked puking alone and going through my pregnancy like a soon to be single mom who actually had a husband to take care of in the meantime who just wasn't there in return. I'm just trying so hard to forgive and get over it now. And just feel comfortable with him again.

alright crazy lady I have to chime in here. I came across your post randomly while looking for something else but have read back to the beginning and I can't help but add my comments. Know that I am smiling as I type because I like you from your comments even though you are clearly "good" crazy!

Me: I am a (mostly) happily married man. I have 2 young children. My wife and I sometimes have anal. I think I am probably as sexual as you but you should know that most people are not. I have ADHD (I think you do too whether you understand it or not it might not be just OCD) which is caused by enzyme/dopamine imbalance. Sex, or things that are stimulating in general help balance me out.

My wife and I have been together for a long time. Early on she asked me about anal and we started to incorporate it into our routine. Eventually sex slowed down to a couple of times a week and not much anal. Honestly I was just happy to get what I could get. After a while anal was almost phased out completely. When we were prego with my first anal came back into the fold(Happily!) Here is the thing for women to try to understand about all prego sex. For guys it is stressful. Prego women are not as attractive. Not meant to hurt your feelings but come-on. Would feel as sexual towards your man if he had an enormous belly that was in the way? Don't get me wrong guys are still turned on and need it but I did find my self over thinking the situation. At least from the back girls look(and feel) like they did before prego.(one caveat here the big prego boobs are nice especially if used properly!) and from behind I wasn't thinking how I would pay for my unborn kids college tuition. Trust me pregnancy is a stressful time for women and for men. Also men don't want to share that stress with you women because it's not in our nature. Please don't try to change us and make us "talk about it" because you can't.

Fast forward 6 months after 1st kid. No anal, occasional vaginal. As stated not many people are as sexual as you and I. To my wife sex is not as important. I get this. Then we get prego again.(Strong sperm I guess or just lucky). Not enough sex during 2nd pregnancy for me. We were stressed because we are putting on an addition, dealing with a new baby, both trying to work etc. After second baby occasional sex but no anal. Not long after we had a talk. I told her I didn't want to stray but I was going to because I was being held hostage by her low sexual needs. We both made changes and sex is now good and often again. Anal is back in the fold. For me, anal feels a little better. There is something to be said about the Taboo of it for sure too. It does not feel better then vaginal for my wife but her orgasms are all clitoral so she doesn't seem to crave intercourse anyway.

Now my advice to you: 1) Please do not shut off any of your three holes or even suggest it to your man. Variety is the spice of life. Loosing one is like loosing a friend to a guy :). 2)Try to rely a little less on your man to fill your sexual needs. Sometimes sex is an intimate bonding thing between two people but other times it can/should be a self fulfilling act. That's really they way it should be treated. Just tell him which hole you want it in and stop making him guess or choose. 3) Maybe skip a few days of sex or masturbation (just BJs if anything for your man) and get yourself extra turned on. Then make him do ya however you want. Get into it and don't worry about if he is enjoying it. If you can hold off for a couple of days when you do get some it will be hard to over think the situation. As soon as he knows you are really enjoying yourself he will enjoy it no matter what hole it's in. 4) Masturbate alone more. Get yourself a nice massaging hand held shower head and go to town. With some good high pressure and and some positive thoughts you will orgasm in 5 minutes guaranteed. 5)Finally as I mentioned before anal usually feels a little better to me. Some days it actually feels much better. There is something about passing through that little o-ring! But vaginal feels awesome too. Anal all of the time wouldn't work for us. Sometimes my wife's stomach is a little off or she is a little constipated. I don't want to be messing around in there with potential for poop. Although I like her butt hole I am not a fan of brown in anyway. Other times anal might hurt her butt. Not a problem for me we will switch back to vagina until further notice. I suggest if you enjoy vaginal a little more ask for it more often and mix anal in a little less. Sex doesn't have to be mind blowing every time for a guy to enjoy it a lot and he will appreciate the anal more this way. Be more clear on what you want. If the sensation isn't enough to make you orgasm before he does during vaginal, hop into the shower afterwards and use your brand new shower head with or without him! Now stop over anal-yzing. would ya!

Okay give me your phone number so we can get together to match up our over sexual personalities would ya? (don't really I am kidding)