Hey dawn-ive been howling.I want him to leave etc), and then sarcastically asked him"are you waiting onmy deaaaath"He answered,"Yes, when is it going to happen?"). I distorted with the"my family willnot have you hanging around, when you could just get a flat round the corner-when you gonna do it?" He replied"when youre going to die" Pffff-end off, So now I know what to do, Im just not thta reay yet, but will bee, promise,soon!
He's NEVER had any intention of leaving! He's too cocky for that! So you WILL have to do it! IF you want to! I noticed if I push you, you panic and back off. So I wont! You will know when to make the move!
Yup! I know your right, thats probably why the solicitor told me to just go get new accomodation in the first instance
Al day those words ring /rang in my ears"When are you gonna die?"Its made me, one minute think ( Yeah your right, maybe I should just do it now) To TOTAL reverse,,,aan angry Katy that thinks I aint going to die before you do 8-| Of course I want say it.
Ive been in pain with this stupid nose thing. Also noticed , when I eat II can hardly breathe. Both Becca and I woke this morning with sore jaws from breathing out our mouths. Im starting to worry about Becca too-at the moment she just wants to sleep in my bed, Its been everynight for almost a month
I think im going to have to visit my doctor (again!)Its a little uncomfy. Sorry to be gruesome, but when you stick one finger up one nostril, its completely blocked with something-I dont know , like a gland or something rather than snot . Also today at work, got the panic, Ive never had it like this before, but quietly shook, I think some staff members may have noticed-I hope not though..Why, though, why after everything, do i still continue to let him eat me alive?Sometimes I find the words out of his mouth, worse than blows to the head...In fact, Id prefer a good old punch and kick more than anything else he has done. In fact, I wish he would do it , so that folks could see the evidence and not forget, and I will be saying"Look MUM, see what he did?"
Anyway, hope your good-take care, Katy
Al day those words ring /rang in my ears"When are you gonna die?"Its made me, one minute think ( Yeah your right, maybe I should just do it now) To TOTAL reverse,,,aan angry Katy that thinks I aint going to die before you do 8-| Of course I want say it.
Ive been in pain with this stupid nose thing. Also noticed , when I eat II can hardly breathe. Both Becca and I woke this morning with sore jaws from breathing out our mouths. Im starting to worry about Becca too-at the moment she just wants to sleep in my bed, Its been everynight for almost a month
I think im going to have to visit my doctor (again!)Its a little uncomfy. Sorry to be gruesome, but when you stick one finger up one nostril, its completely blocked with something-I dont know , like a gland or something rather than snot . Also today at work, got the panic, Ive never had it like this before, but quietly shook, I think some staff members may have noticed-I hope not though..Why, though, why after everything, do i still continue to let him eat me alive?Sometimes I find the words out of his mouth, worse than blows to the head...In fact, Id prefer a good old punch and kick more than anything else he has done. In fact, I wish he would do it , so that folks could see the evidence and not forget, and I will be saying"Look MUM, see what he did?"
Anyway, hope your good-take care, Katy
IF you go to the doctors, I want you to write down EVERYtHING! Including the bruises the stuffiness, and also if you can print off the reactions to Citalopram! I think you should have Becca checked out too! Obviously you both have had something going on here! Have you been to the housing, or mailed the letter etc.?
I dont know - I feel incredibly stupid. head is spinning as I am finding it hard to breathe and feel as though Ive water behind my ears. So dizzy. Its the littlest thing can set me off - and then if i lie down to it all , I feel immensley guilty.
The Housping application- its still lying here!
I dont know whats holding me back, whats holding me to this nightmare?
Its this: today at work, I looked in the mirror, I looked old, tired and angry. i just was not myself-not a bit. I felt about as useful as used toilet roll. A Colleague of mine asked me what I ate, and so forth, i told her and she was a bit shocked!I just cant get the self -respect thing into me at all-if I could Id be so much better
The Housping application- its still lying here!
I dont know whats holding me back, whats holding me to this nightmare?
Its this: today at work, I looked in the mirror, I looked old, tired and angry. i just was not myself-not a bit. I felt about as useful as used toilet roll. A Colleague of mine asked me what I ate, and so forth, i told her and she was a bit shocked!I just cant get the self -respect thing into me at all-if I could Id be so much better
What is it about the letter Katy?! Is it that its done!!? That's why he is treating you badly and saying awful things, he KNOWS you haven't and WILL not do anything about it! You are SO unhappy, yet there is something stopping you from moving on! Perhaps you think you deserve this c**p?!! Beca is sleeping with you because she is worried, and no matter what you say about not yelling infront of the girls, you cannot tell me they haven't heard the pushes or seen the looks and heard the cutting words?!
As I've told you many times through these months Katy! EVEN if you still want him in your life, moving houses doesn't stop that from happening, it will be you in a better position and a stronger position! You aren't doing yourself or your girls ANY favours staying in this hell! And you illness/panic/anxiety/depression is getting worse not better! So all I can say is ask for some counselling from the drinks nurse tommorrow, because if you intend to stay in this, you have to learn WHY you think you don't deserve better!
I thought you told me a neighbor posted the letter for you!!!!? And I also thought you talked to someone at the housing already? So are these true or were you just saying what you think I wanted to hear?! This IS NOT about me Katy - nor placating me or keeping me happy etc - this is about me TRYING to help you help yourself honey! That's it!! You don't have to make up anything with me, I know I can push you, I just want you to take those steps! And I think this is why you tell ME all of these physical things going on with you, but you don't tell your doctor! Because if you tell me you are puking and having a BAD day, then I will back off, BUT if you were to tell a professional, then you know there is no turning back and he would HAVE to take things further - especially about the unknown bruises! Obviously through your body reacting the way it is, your emotional state is deterioating to the point of making you so sick, that you can't take it anymore!
So this is what I want to say to you! I think you have shown yourself that you probably don't want to split from this guy! I think your bodies reaction to this has proven that! I think you are not prepared to take the next step, thus the excuses you can come up with - such as the kids or the problem with the housing application! Perhaps honey, that you decided to call his bluff and he accepted so you were shocked and thought "NOW WHAT!!!" Thus the breakdown! you have gone to the doctors several times and the lawyer and didn't say a THING about what he has done to you! You even missed a bus stop, on the way to the doctors - IF that doesn't tell you something I don't know what does!
IF AFTER ALL these months that you had one hope of him actually coming to you and saying "Katy, I'm sorry for being a jerk, I'm sorry for treating you SO badly and hurting you etc. etc." Then you HAVE to know that this is NOT going to happen! He has ZERO respect and kindness for you and is NOT going to change! The only one that can is you Katy! It is up to you wether you want THIS for the rest of your life, or to make the ultimate chess move and call his AND YOUR bluff!?
BUT before making any move I want you to get some PROFESSIONAL COUNSELLING! And get to the root of all of your problems first! THEN you can be TOTALLY comfortable with your next step, and NOT have such severe physical reactions! Do you agree with that? Is that something that you think you can do and get to the bottom of? I went to counselling several times Katy - it's VERY helpful! And it will help you get to a place of comfort and strength! You NEED to know why you do what you do, and why you stay in such a toxic relationship and lifestyle! So put that letter away for now, TILL you feel same enough to do it! Get some help, start taking those pills to stop drinking, and you can't keep drinking while trying to figure this out! And that is another thing too, that you don't want to stop drinking, because it is an escape! I GET THAT!!! BELIEVE ME!!! You just can't do this right now! Because as you get to the bottom of why you do what you do! You will feel the need to drink more and more! You need to get a support system in place and get people around you that can and WILL help you!
So tommorrow, ask the drinks nurse what to do next! OK? Put everything else aside TILL you are ready! OK? Then you will be able to make the right decision! DON'T panic OK? You have lasted this long and this will just take a little longer, you can't keep reacting like this so take it easy on yourself and take your time! I think your symptoms will subside when ther isn't that much pressure on you! And then when the panic part goes away, then you can get medical help for what appears to me to be allergies! OK? So let me know what happens with the drinks nurse - open up to here OK? Lots of love and hugs! Dawn
As I've told you many times through these months Katy! EVEN if you still want him in your life, moving houses doesn't stop that from happening, it will be you in a better position and a stronger position! You aren't doing yourself or your girls ANY favours staying in this hell! And you illness/panic/anxiety/depression is getting worse not better! So all I can say is ask for some counselling from the drinks nurse tommorrow, because if you intend to stay in this, you have to learn WHY you think you don't deserve better!
I thought you told me a neighbor posted the letter for you!!!!? And I also thought you talked to someone at the housing already? So are these true or were you just saying what you think I wanted to hear?! This IS NOT about me Katy - nor placating me or keeping me happy etc - this is about me TRYING to help you help yourself honey! That's it!! You don't have to make up anything with me, I know I can push you, I just want you to take those steps! And I think this is why you tell ME all of these physical things going on with you, but you don't tell your doctor! Because if you tell me you are puking and having a BAD day, then I will back off, BUT if you were to tell a professional, then you know there is no turning back and he would HAVE to take things further - especially about the unknown bruises! Obviously through your body reacting the way it is, your emotional state is deterioating to the point of making you so sick, that you can't take it anymore!
So this is what I want to say to you! I think you have shown yourself that you probably don't want to split from this guy! I think your bodies reaction to this has proven that! I think you are not prepared to take the next step, thus the excuses you can come up with - such as the kids or the problem with the housing application! Perhaps honey, that you decided to call his bluff and he accepted so you were shocked and thought "NOW WHAT!!!" Thus the breakdown! you have gone to the doctors several times and the lawyer and didn't say a THING about what he has done to you! You even missed a bus stop, on the way to the doctors - IF that doesn't tell you something I don't know what does!
IF AFTER ALL these months that you had one hope of him actually coming to you and saying "Katy, I'm sorry for being a jerk, I'm sorry for treating you SO badly and hurting you etc. etc." Then you HAVE to know that this is NOT going to happen! He has ZERO respect and kindness for you and is NOT going to change! The only one that can is you Katy! It is up to you wether you want THIS for the rest of your life, or to make the ultimate chess move and call his AND YOUR bluff!?
BUT before making any move I want you to get some PROFESSIONAL COUNSELLING! And get to the root of all of your problems first! THEN you can be TOTALLY comfortable with your next step, and NOT have such severe physical reactions! Do you agree with that? Is that something that you think you can do and get to the bottom of? I went to counselling several times Katy - it's VERY helpful! And it will help you get to a place of comfort and strength! You NEED to know why you do what you do, and why you stay in such a toxic relationship and lifestyle! So put that letter away for now, TILL you feel same enough to do it! Get some help, start taking those pills to stop drinking, and you can't keep drinking while trying to figure this out! And that is another thing too, that you don't want to stop drinking, because it is an escape! I GET THAT!!! BELIEVE ME!!! You just can't do this right now! Because as you get to the bottom of why you do what you do! You will feel the need to drink more and more! You need to get a support system in place and get people around you that can and WILL help you!
So tommorrow, ask the drinks nurse what to do next! OK? Put everything else aside TILL you are ready! OK? Then you will be able to make the right decision! DON'T panic OK? You have lasted this long and this will just take a little longer, you can't keep reacting like this so take it easy on yourself and take your time! I think your symptoms will subside when ther isn't that much pressure on you! And then when the panic part goes away, then you can get medical help for what appears to me to be allergies! OK? So let me know what happens with the drinks nurse - open up to here OK? Lots of love and hugs! Dawn
Hi Dawn. Ive had such a bizaree day. wasnt feeling good this morning, and got really uptight about going to work( even though things are quite good there, then got uptight about going to se the drinks nurse. Ended up messing up, ( thinking my appointment was at 3pm but in actual fact it was at 4pm!)
That woman is llike the good voices in my head, The rational one that says"dont do it-your being silly and foolish"There obviuosly not the words that the lady used, but thats how I view it sometimes. If only that sensible head could stay on my shoulders for longer, Id be able to do this!
At work things went nice forme today. management are giving me more responsibilty , and it was funny but someone pointed out something to me...I was like "right enough, Ive just been using my noggin".Then before i left, as I had processed a transcation for One hundred and fiffty pounds and another at 275, I got to play the incentive, took a guess, and guessed the enitr thing immediately. I was like, "That was easy-can i have somemore. Colleagues laughed, and then I left.
Stupidly i eneded up shopping around the posh side of town ( whoops!) I only did it to kill time.
On the subject of "Us". There is no longer me and him a(as you well know) but I guess I am making sure that If I HAVE to leave, It will because HE WILL NOT! I knkow its madness, but this is the ongest Ive ever stayed anywjhere and like the kids say"Its HOME!" Even if it is what it is.
Secretly, I keep thinking my colleageus are trying to make me feel better about myself. It sure seems that way, It was fun though, regardless fo anything I think.
My nose fels as idf there is cement in it, and its dragging my eyes down wit it-its really annoying me, nad still have difficulty getting breath in, but must be ok. I told the nurse about it, shes told me to pop up to my doctors and get checked. My appointment with the psychiatrist has been made later. Its not unitil the 8th now, and on the form today , it stated that they wer plannning psychological help and CBT. I feel like I should have by now had enough counselling!
Okay, thats my banter for the day
I hope youre doing well, take care of you, katy
That woman is llike the good voices in my head, The rational one that says"dont do it-your being silly and foolish"There obviuosly not the words that the lady used, but thats how I view it sometimes. If only that sensible head could stay on my shoulders for longer, Id be able to do this!
At work things went nice forme today. management are giving me more responsibilty , and it was funny but someone pointed out something to me...I was like "right enough, Ive just been using my noggin".Then before i left, as I had processed a transcation for One hundred and fiffty pounds and another at 275, I got to play the incentive, took a guess, and guessed the enitr thing immediately. I was like, "That was easy-can i have somemore. Colleagues laughed, and then I left.
Stupidly i eneded up shopping around the posh side of town ( whoops!) I only did it to kill time.
On the subject of "Us". There is no longer me and him a(as you well know) but I guess I am making sure that If I HAVE to leave, It will because HE WILL NOT! I knkow its madness, but this is the ongest Ive ever stayed anywjhere and like the kids say"Its HOME!" Even if it is what it is.
Secretly, I keep thinking my colleageus are trying to make me feel better about myself. It sure seems that way, It was fun though, regardless fo anything I think.
My nose fels as idf there is cement in it, and its dragging my eyes down wit it-its really annoying me, nad still have difficulty getting breath in, but must be ok. I told the nurse about it, shes told me to pop up to my doctors and get checked. My appointment with the psychiatrist has been made later. Its not unitil the 8th now, and on the form today , it stated that they wer plannning psychological help and CBT. I feel like I should have by now had enough counselling!
Okay, thats my banter for the day
I hope youre doing well, take care of you, katy
Sounds like the drinks nurse is REALLY doing her job and is caring for you correctly! Glad to hear it! I have to go school shopping with the kids! Do you have to pay a certain fee for your girls to go to school? My eldes it $300 and my youngest is $200!!!!! o.O Unreal heh!?
Erm-No fees ( aside from the usual uniform and milk bilss, and packed lunches and school trips). really, we get it good here.
Yeah - the drinks nurse is an angel! I have seen others roar, and shout, and just not understand why I NEED a drink! Its great to be understood face to face, and be honest-though i havent told her anything about what he has done, partly as I wasnt/dont really feel ready-I dont and I cant blame my drinking on that anyway.its always been there as an aid for me.
Sometimes I wish I had a REAL event happen to me recently to explainit away-to make my excuses. Right now, I do notShe asked me a few questions and a few times I replied"I dont know" I havent a clue and I know its stupid.
Anyway, Ill try and be good, shes told me to have as many nights off as I can and maybe try and do more things outside of this flat in the evenings.(Though I dread leaving the children alone with him , more for my sake than anything, and being away from them makes me feel guilty). Then I was thinking-shes right, I should be allowed time out without thinking about them and allowed time with a friend or 2, so im making it a goal, and I knkow who to ask so thats a starter pack for me.
Anyway, head just feels heavy! Ive so many worries at the moment I think my head may explode! Ive managed to avoid walking , like the plague, or if I do I do this technique, ...if I croosss the rooooooooooasssssssssdddddddddddddds, I makes sure there are people on either side of me, and then I basically try and walk alongside people , just incase. Mad-eh?
Gosh- I cant believe you have to pay school fees for your kids-there not even at big school yet-thats a fortune in itself, ( if they go??)Anyway, Ill go to bed, still feeling stuffy, Im off tomorrow, so i shall let the cleaning commence.Hope youre good! Gosh thats 500 dollars..that aint cheap!
Yeah - the drinks nurse is an angel! I have seen others roar, and shout, and just not understand why I NEED a drink! Its great to be understood face to face, and be honest-though i havent told her anything about what he has done, partly as I wasnt/dont really feel ready-I dont and I cant blame my drinking on that anyway.its always been there as an aid for me.
Sometimes I wish I had a REAL event happen to me recently to explainit away-to make my excuses. Right now, I do notShe asked me a few questions and a few times I replied"I dont know" I havent a clue and I know its stupid.
Anyway, Ill try and be good, shes told me to have as many nights off as I can and maybe try and do more things outside of this flat in the evenings.(Though I dread leaving the children alone with him , more for my sake than anything, and being away from them makes me feel guilty). Then I was thinking-shes right, I should be allowed time out without thinking about them and allowed time with a friend or 2, so im making it a goal, and I knkow who to ask so thats a starter pack for me.
Anyway, head just feels heavy! Ive so many worries at the moment I think my head may explode! Ive managed to avoid walking , like the plague, or if I do I do this technique, ...if I croosss the rooooooooooasssssssssdddddddddddddds, I makes sure there are people on either side of me, and then I basically try and walk alongside people , just incase. Mad-eh?
Gosh- I cant believe you have to pay school fees for your kids-there not even at big school yet-thats a fortune in itself, ( if they go??)Anyway, Ill go to bed, still feeling stuffy, Im off tomorrow, so i shall let the cleaning commence.Hope youre good! Gosh thats 500 dollars..that aint cheap!
Im rubbish! I have this thing in me that says"if I can do it, anyone can". You know the old hymns in my head do do that"If she can do it,anyone can" They ring in my head!
I honestly rember watching my best frined, we both lacked confidence-to do what we REALLY TRULY believed! She was very much younger than I, but we had a great frinedship! I miss her whole heartedly//I rember after having becca, she was shot down with appntisitis-and then setosemia (whoops missed out the P) but yeah-Imiss her.
Becca is snoring as I type,anyways Im infuriated by him ( just alittle tonight). hes doing that control thing! I hate that control thing-how dare ne!!!
Anyways.im going to bed now! Night, night
I honestly rember watching my best frined, we both lacked confidence-to do what we REALLY TRULY believed! She was very much younger than I, but we had a great frinedship! I miss her whole heartedly//I rember after having becca, she was shot down with appntisitis-and then setosemia (whoops missed out the P) but yeah-Imiss her.
Becca is snoring as I type,anyways Im infuriated by him ( just alittle tonight). hes doing that control thing! I hate that control thing-how dare ne!!!
Anyways.im going to bed now! Night, night
Really-not godd today. I couldnt get out of bed this morning. Its 1 pm .Im just up. My toe is throbbing , ears are popping and nose blocked. Meanwhile , hes cleaned the flat o.O
I do thinksomething inside will just snap soon and ill have to move me and the girls out.I think that is what will happen. I just wish it was easier.
Anyway, ill toddle of to the shower now. I need to start throwing stuff out for the kitchen people next week, and how arre we going to shower???I cant go outside if |ve not had a shower
Hope you are doin well, take care, Katy
I do thinksomething inside will just snap soon and ill have to move me and the girls out.I think that is what will happen. I just wish it was easier.
Anyway, ill toddle of to the shower now. I need to start throwing stuff out for the kitchen people next week, and how arre we going to shower???I cant go outside if |ve not had a shower
Hope you are doin well, take care, Katy
Mad! I jst read up on chronic sinnisitus-Dawn! It states that it causes feeling of facial tightness, chronic heaviness behind eyes, sometimesVERIGO, and rarely but sometime an inability to smell...They all fit . So maybe my vertigo is not as a result from the other things I do, but due to my sinuses-do you think???Thatd be good as then Im not so mad-eh? Then I can cope and carry on. Hmmm-think youre definately right, ( Sorry, im slow sometimes!)Okay -all the time :-D
What is the matter with me???? I feel like I want to talk to others, but im just hiding. i totally cannot fathom out what is going on. I went into my old bedroom today, all these emty boxes for the telly, and electronic things .dvd player..Ovbviously hes keeping the boxes o.O Then In the bath, honestly, just wanted to cry,, and thinking I should relly go visit my mum. i cant this weekened due to the flat upgrade, and childrens parties, and then theres the thing.( When I go back home , I feel like a child again. decisions get made for me, otherwise I risk really upsetting my mum, and I know she does it in my best interests, but due to that , its the high standard stuff, when I come back here Im FREEDOM.!!!
I look like a small chubby elf , with stickyu out tie pointy ears. maybe I should get them pinned back or something.
Ie been thinking about making an appointment to see my GP, but then get all panicky about it. Maybe as I was watching a really sad film and -thats just it-why do I fel like Ive only got so long to live? Why do I feel like someone has told me im dying? why have I given up? and this all these questions Cant I just damn well get on with it????Grrrr!
Cant go out. Too scared.
Thats another thing, when I was in the bath, eveyritme I shut my eyes, I apnicked that there was someone hoovering over me with a shot gun. Then later , I went to get the dirty washing out the basket, and had pure fear in me, like someone was behind me??(Whats that?)
Found a moth, went demented. If you had seen that infestation a while back....honestly, it was bad. I watch this programme called the rat catchers, and they visit an old man with a moth infestatin..They ranted on about how bad it was...blah blah..It wasnothing compared to ours, we had a full swarm, You cuoldnt breathe in this room..Everytime i seee one -I think argh!! They are taking over!
I feel as though someone has hacked my guts out, and not told me!
Okay, going to give you some peace, take care, Katy
I look like a small chubby elf , with stickyu out tie pointy ears. maybe I should get them pinned back or something.
Ie been thinking about making an appointment to see my GP, but then get all panicky about it. Maybe as I was watching a really sad film and -thats just it-why do I fel like Ive only got so long to live? Why do I feel like someone has told me im dying? why have I given up? and this all these questions Cant I just damn well get on with it????Grrrr!
Cant go out. Too scared.
Thats another thing, when I was in the bath, eveyritme I shut my eyes, I apnicked that there was someone hoovering over me with a shot gun. Then later , I went to get the dirty washing out the basket, and had pure fear in me, like someone was behind me??(Whats that?)
Found a moth, went demented. If you had seen that infestation a while back....honestly, it was bad. I watch this programme called the rat catchers, and they visit an old man with a moth infestatin..They ranted on about how bad it was...blah blah..It wasnothing compared to ours, we had a full swarm, You cuoldnt breathe in this room..Everytime i seee one -I think argh!! They are taking over!
I feel as though someone has hacked my guts out, and not told me!
Okay, going to give you some peace, take care, Katy
Dawn-maybe Ive asthma. If you read the description of it...thats what my panic attacks feel like-Icant get air in , no matter how hard i try.Still not made an appointment, and im getting sorer!
Made an appointment to see doctor and as I stated it was nn-urgent, i cant breathe..oh well, i f I die and colapse,at least I manage to make their tea :$