Someone make this pmt go away!! So angry and irritable and then thank god for sleep!!! I could kill someone feeling like this . its really ridiculus and I find it scary!
I need to do my ocursework and Im really panicing-then everytime I sit down to do it I cant! I could do it fine before with a glasss of wine in my hand. It feeels like another wall. Hello wall! Owwwwwe-what am I to do ? Im useless. Now being called ferrit face instead of asbos( What a check!) Thats neighbours for yo. i think ive chillde myself.Ive eaten so much c**p today as well that I feel duiltyand no long walk is going to shift it off my hips-and I dont want more curves. in fact id love to get rid of the ones I have. Right Ive got to go-im being stupid-I could be doing my essays
Hey-i forgot it was Mothers day-and bless my children-they made me home made cards( and they are the best!!!!) and the younger one bullied me all day yesterday for money for a toy that she semed to be obsessing over-but instead bought me chocolates. That put tears in my eyes!
Still pmted and boobs feel like bricks. Blowing hot and cold and the only reason im here is as my moods are all over the place.
I cant work this Blckberry either-its an amazing invention-but I need a magnifier and a finger shrinker
I must admit I hated the pressure of mothers day when I was a little girl, so Id rather my children didnt feel they have to please me ( in any way) I hate how it puts pressure on them.
Owe Im having trouble being consistent and coherent. i cant possibly take my dyslexia down to the education unit can I??????Its more dissorganisation though, in every are of life than anything else. If you could see my room( lol) I now have to hang my clothing up around the room so I can just grab somthing collated together....Its funny how things are really upsetting me at the moment-but nothing he says sticks as much as it used to -does this mean hes loosing power???? though having said that he went balistic at me yesterday- and he wasnt shouting just merely over reacting and being viciously horrible Why was I so stupid? Why? i dont htink im going to get out of it either. his family know where and how to get rid of people cunningly. In fact , I really DO not trust any of them( brave of me to ut that here-not that I care. If I ever get out of this...ok im not going to say my horrible thinking here-but hmm.
God yeah-why did this happen. We were doing EMDR in a lecture on PtSD right-and no one ever seems to want to be my partner-and some of the students ask really ( doh ) questions nd it makes me shiver and think how did they get on that PHd course and im no? How come they get funding -and I dont? And they get paid placement? i dont , im going to try and get work in a ward ( night shift ) maybe theree nights a week-i mean I livein ione anyway ( ok bad bad hoke) Anyway loosing the plot there -as you do ( I do) right aok-so we were split into groups, and we were to wave a finger blah blah...okay i found this difficult becaus eof my vision and felt really self conscoious....eventually the professor cam over---and I started to sweat and get embarassed and it was weird......we were to go to a safe place , blah blah, then all these images I dont know why but it was mental...she noticed and phew stopped ( maye its as I was under the spotlight-but boy i tried it on someone I felt really ( doh ) stupid about waving my hand and finger across someones face-how does that work???? You can have a seriously bad joke with thta one 2-we all did itwave your 2 fingers and then -okay nevermind Im off now to define mental illness...( I think I shalll be hear a while!!!!!
Still pmted and boobs feel like bricks. Blowing hot and cold and the only reason im here is as my moods are all over the place.
I cant work this Blckberry either-its an amazing invention-but I need a magnifier and a finger shrinker
I must admit I hated the pressure of mothers day when I was a little girl, so Id rather my children didnt feel they have to please me ( in any way) I hate how it puts pressure on them.
Owe Im having trouble being consistent and coherent. i cant possibly take my dyslexia down to the education unit can I??????Its more dissorganisation though, in every are of life than anything else. If you could see my room( lol) I now have to hang my clothing up around the room so I can just grab somthing collated together....Its funny how things are really upsetting me at the moment-but nothing he says sticks as much as it used to -does this mean hes loosing power???? though having said that he went balistic at me yesterday- and he wasnt shouting just merely over reacting and being viciously horrible Why was I so stupid? Why? i dont htink im going to get out of it either. his family know where and how to get rid of people cunningly. In fact , I really DO not trust any of them( brave of me to ut that here-not that I care. If I ever get out of this...ok im not going to say my horrible thinking here-but hmm.
God yeah-why did this happen. We were doing EMDR in a lecture on PtSD right-and no one ever seems to want to be my partner-and some of the students ask really ( doh ) questions nd it makes me shiver and think how did they get on that PHd course and im no? How come they get funding -and I dont? And they get paid placement? i dont , im going to try and get work in a ward ( night shift ) maybe theree nights a week-i mean I livein ione anyway ( ok bad bad hoke) Anyway loosing the plot there -as you do ( I do) right aok-so we were split into groups, and we were to wave a finger blah blah...okay i found this difficult becaus eof my vision and felt really self conscoious....eventually the professor cam over---and I started to sweat and get embarassed and it was weird......we were to go to a safe place , blah blah, then all these images I dont know why but it was mental...she noticed and phew stopped ( maye its as I was under the spotlight-but boy i tried it on someone I felt really ( doh ) stupid about waving my hand and finger across someones face-how does that work???? You can have a seriously bad joke with thta one 2-we all did itwave your 2 fingers and then -okay nevermind Im off now to define mental illness...( I think I shalll be hear a while!!!!!
Hmmm-me worried, worried worried! I cant stop with the worry and its demtoivating me! ..okay-if I just start writing notes by tomorrow ill have another thousand words to add to my disorganised disgrace I call an essay....Im trying to stay positive.
God i wish I was a man!
So far Ive tried to study
-didnt just lay in bed. really bad cramps and fed up!!!
Ive so much work to do. It like more walls and they are getting higher and higher and blacker and blacker, wals on top of walls! I dont know what im going to do! truthfuuly my only hope to survivng this is to win the lottery!
So far Ive tried to study
-didnt just lay in bed. really bad cramps and fed up!!!
Ive so much work to do. It like more walls and they are getting higher and higher and blacker and blacker, wals on top of walls! I dont know what im going to do! truthfuuly my only hope to survivng this is to win the lottery!
Im thinking abot moving all of us to Glasgow. it took me ages to adapt that city years ago-but once youve grown to like it I dont thin theres going back. I used to think this city was tops nad so pretty but its got worse. Theres such a class divide and a total snobs vs poor mans life. You can only truly be happy in this place if either you have lots of dosh and are a well established membetr of society or if your happpy being a cleaning lady and being treated like the next doormat for the next dog to come along for the next neighbour not to pooper scoop. I want out this place!!! Even if bad thing s happened in glasgow so what big deal At least its not taboo taling about it there and it will be believed as it happened to loads of folks over there and its spoken about and slagged off and laughed at!
Oh Im going back to bed. My little girls and father have gone out for the day so I can study and get on-right now Im going back to bed-I cant work out my life. Its quite good that hes taken the girls out-dont you think? Maybe , just naybe we could go to relate
Thats another thing, Im not going to take this antabuse. its my body and I am allowed the freedom to pick and choose if I want a drink. The only people that have a problem with that are the people that really really dont know me!!!! I think if I can stop drinking with the knowledge that IT IS MY choice thats a much more rewarding achievement thatn taking a pill that could make me really really ill, and that diesnt even allow me achoice to dignity respect or self worth. A pill that pharmaceuticals should have chucked years ago-just put of interest how many pharmacists do you know that take this stuff?? How many doctors /nurses? Id rather be given ect. Afterall, its the same thing I aint one of pavlovs pet puppies!!! I also have a drink dependancy-but technically in the old fashioned textbook naming dipsomania-im nto a dipsomaniac
Oh Im going back to bed. My little girls and father have gone out for the day so I can study and get on-right now Im going back to bed-I cant work out my life. Its quite good that hes taken the girls out-dont you think? Maybe , just naybe we could go to relate
Thats another thing, Im not going to take this antabuse. its my body and I am allowed the freedom to pick and choose if I want a drink. The only people that have a problem with that are the people that really really dont know me!!!! I think if I can stop drinking with the knowledge that IT IS MY choice thats a much more rewarding achievement thatn taking a pill that could make me really really ill, and that diesnt even allow me achoice to dignity respect or self worth. A pill that pharmaceuticals should have chucked years ago-just put of interest how many pharmacists do you know that take this stuff?? How many doctors /nurses? Id rather be given ect. Afterall, its the same thing I aint one of pavlovs pet puppies!!! I also have a drink dependancy-but technically in the old fashioned textbook naming dipsomania-im nto a dipsomaniac
OMG-I found this box24 repeller or something right-i thouth it was a malteser or something ( I hadnt looked at the box-there I am sucking a zero in chedarwood clothes moth repeller ( spat it out as soon as I coud! Want an id**t!!!!!
Well-confirmed. Iam the biggest id**t on this planet! Convinced of that fact.
Ok I was in a good mood on friday and I took the courage to speak to man thing. BIG BAD UGLY STUPID MOOD. Never again, never ever again. What was going on in my head? Oh I know what was going on in my mind -the usual |How could I meet such a awufl person. Ok I know im not the prettiest. In fact people dont think I care about how I look( I do have a sort of I dont care look about me, but its not true -I do actually care-im just bloody short sighted) -in more sense than one. Im so angry at myslef so angry -how could I be so so effing stupid??? Im just getting desperate.
Anyway, Ive got loads of work to do-I know theres nothing wrong with me, but I feeel acheyand sore and coldie, and I sort of never want to see a health professional again. My thinking prior to my little I dont know what you would cal that -but Id have been better standing naked in blythswood square and it would have hrt so much-you coulsd just have a bath afterwards and forget about it. BUT NO NON NONNONO NO EFFING NO! How many times????????????????????????//
We had this discussion that maybe we should try sticking to gether and going for couple counseling-what was I thinking????/The thing is he doesnt even realise that he speaks down to me -actually - I dont really like pitt bull dogs in fact I always look at them and as they have face that look like theyve een kicked in and look hurt and take it out on young children . Theres somthing about those dogs that hjust brings the psychotic me out-I just want to murder tham all a( Call me insans, insensitive and sterotypical) i dont care....but yes...I wouldnt speak to one of those dogs in the manner he speaks to me 24/7Whats worse , is he thinks its normal to speak to someone like MEin this manner. he thinks this is what I deserve-just cause ive bushy eyebrowas, and fat stomach big lumpy bobs , deformed toes a brain ceel and given him 2 lovely daughters -this is how I should be spoken too.
As I had thought for a plit second that possibly there could be away foreard, that maybe we could make amends , maybe I didnt have tomove to a even more impoverished part and start again with no money. Oh boy , thats another thing I have no monety and hoping someone will buy my old mobile phone from me.when I say no money I mean no money -the girls will be okay as they have their food. that means I have to wait a week before poppoing out and buying bundles og nurofen and paracetamols and some sharp blades... hes stated that he can cope with the children alone and that he will do what ever it take sto get rid of me in that way...hes winning. I miss my kids and Im living with them-heloo does anyone know what I am saying? I think , I think yes, im a stupieffing stupid cow for ever having likes this man...I mean he made me laugh( In the beginning0 he made me see the humourous side of life -that was his power at that time-Now I really dont know what to do..the girls are close to him...its such a mess. I dont think people take me seriously either. they all think Im a looser-well I am now!..The only option for the next weekis finiish coursework, Pray a house comes up . speak to housing officer...god , I know this sounds stupid, but I feel so trapped and isolated andlonley that I am praying for a horrible diagnoses-I actually want to join my aubt-well at least she cuddled you and gave you secrets on how to keep the peace and wink in the righ tplaces.god Im issher. Anyway, no one ever respnds here. or occassionally they sdo so I feel like I can write whatever I want..But it is how I feel and sorry but that warm stuff going to come up Im going to throw up>
Im supposed to see my drinks nurse tomorrow-cant face that Ive not only not done as was instructed, but that i will be dissapointing her. She seems genuinely kind and caring, and some fun . I liked her, but i cant change right nowew as thsi situation is just self destruct suicicide murder type scenario.....sometimes I wish someone would just pick a knife and do me in .Teh I don have to live with the guilt of having children , not taking responsibility for them, loving them and leaving them in thsi effing horrible dark plce someone named planet earth. If somone ever hurts my girls like thisand I am here to see it...Ill just pop along to the cop shop and borrow a gun and act instantly. Infact when I think about my toilet gets treated better than me! Anyway, got to goIve got 9000 word to write and some research to do-sorry for the grief!
Ok I was in a good mood on friday and I took the courage to speak to man thing. BIG BAD UGLY STUPID MOOD. Never again, never ever again. What was going on in my head? Oh I know what was going on in my mind -the usual |How could I meet such a awufl person. Ok I know im not the prettiest. In fact people dont think I care about how I look( I do have a sort of I dont care look about me, but its not true -I do actually care-im just bloody short sighted) -in more sense than one. Im so angry at myslef so angry -how could I be so so effing stupid??? Im just getting desperate.
Anyway, Ive got loads of work to do-I know theres nothing wrong with me, but I feeel acheyand sore and coldie, and I sort of never want to see a health professional again. My thinking prior to my little I dont know what you would cal that -but Id have been better standing naked in blythswood square and it would have hrt so much-you coulsd just have a bath afterwards and forget about it. BUT NO NON NONNONO NO EFFING NO! How many times????????????????????????//
We had this discussion that maybe we should try sticking to gether and going for couple counseling-what was I thinking????/The thing is he doesnt even realise that he speaks down to me -actually - I dont really like pitt bull dogs in fact I always look at them and as they have face that look like theyve een kicked in and look hurt and take it out on young children . Theres somthing about those dogs that hjust brings the psychotic me out-I just want to murder tham all a( Call me insans, insensitive and sterotypical) i dont care....but yes...I wouldnt speak to one of those dogs in the manner he speaks to me 24/7Whats worse , is he thinks its normal to speak to someone like MEin this manner. he thinks this is what I deserve-just cause ive bushy eyebrowas, and fat stomach big lumpy bobs , deformed toes a brain ceel and given him 2 lovely daughters -this is how I should be spoken too.
As I had thought for a plit second that possibly there could be away foreard, that maybe we could make amends , maybe I didnt have tomove to a even more impoverished part and start again with no money. Oh boy , thats another thing I have no monety and hoping someone will buy my old mobile phone from me.when I say no money I mean no money -the girls will be okay as they have their food. that means I have to wait a week before poppoing out and buying bundles og nurofen and paracetamols and some sharp blades... hes stated that he can cope with the children alone and that he will do what ever it take sto get rid of me in that way...hes winning. I miss my kids and Im living with them-heloo does anyone know what I am saying? I think , I think yes, im a stupieffing stupid cow for ever having likes this man...I mean he made me laugh( In the beginning0 he made me see the humourous side of life -that was his power at that time-Now I really dont know what to do..the girls are close to him...its such a mess. I dont think people take me seriously either. they all think Im a looser-well I am now!..The only option for the next weekis finiish coursework, Pray a house comes up . speak to housing officer...god , I know this sounds stupid, but I feel so trapped and isolated andlonley that I am praying for a horrible diagnoses-I actually want to join my aubt-well at least she cuddled you and gave you secrets on how to keep the peace and wink in the righ tplaces.god Im issher. Anyway, no one ever respnds here. or occassionally they sdo so I feel like I can write whatever I want..But it is how I feel and sorry but that warm stuff going to come up Im going to throw up>
Im supposed to see my drinks nurse tomorrow-cant face that Ive not only not done as was instructed, but that i will be dissapointing her. She seems genuinely kind and caring, and some fun . I liked her, but i cant change right nowew as thsi situation is just self destruct suicicide murder type scenario.....sometimes I wish someone would just pick a knife and do me in .Teh I don have to live with the guilt of having children , not taking responsibility for them, loving them and leaving them in thsi effing horrible dark plce someone named planet earth. If somone ever hurts my girls like thisand I am here to see it...Ill just pop along to the cop shop and borrow a gun and act instantly. Infact when I think about my toilet gets treated better than me! Anyway, got to goIve got 9000 word to write and some research to do-sorry for the grief!
This is worrying me/ Something is happening to me and\i dont know what it is. Im not right at akk!!!
Im been going off my head all day, ive ut on loads of weight and my boobs are sore...I went up town to get out ,,,,but as I walked i just cried. i look like sh*t, hair greasy and I feel worse
He said "I never wanted children anyway"
He saud."Your the abussive one, the one that lacks responsibility"
He said, "its me I amde this situation and im the one that has to sort it
OO was screaming at him...When you were my age you smoked weed, you left me to rot keith chequeers in a boc room unti lI was 8 months pregnant and then decided it was time to make a go of things , meanwhile smoking joints and leaving me to have sleeplss nights after sleepless night-why didnt I get out then> I kept it secret as I was ashamed!
Im been going off my head all day, ive ut on loads of weight and my boobs are sore...I went up town to get out ,,,,but as I walked i just cried. i look like sh*t, hair greasy and I feel worse
He said "I never wanted children anyway"
He saud."Your the abussive one, the one that lacks responsibility"
He said, "its me I amde this situation and im the one that has to sort it
OO was screaming at him...When you were my age you smoked weed, you left me to rot keith chequeers in a boc room unti lI was 8 months pregnant and then decided it was time to make a go of things , meanwhile smoking joints and leaving me to have sleeplss nights after sleepless night-why didnt I get out then> I kept it secret as I was ashamed!
Sorry to swear but this is sh*t!!!! I dont want to be here. I dont even think the children want me here either. I completely lost it this morning. I was horrible, It was awful-Ive been nonstopcrying and I dont know what to do!.it feels like im asking for hlep but no one is really helping me , probably because im not helping myself. Well, guess what Im too scared to try. Ill just end up doing something else bad and unhealthy. its a bit like this...if i went to rehab, they probably wouldnt think im that bad so theyd send me home with that sh*t librium.or some other shitty drug. then if I say hey look folks, im depressed, I really do not want to exist and I wish I were dead, and or wish they dleft me to rot...please this is not normal for me...( well its becoming bloody normal) Reply form a doctor"Have you taken anything? Like id be one to say yes, a whoel entire box of paracetamols, some nirofen some citalopram and some wine-why? Waht the problem....Doctor"Are you sure youve not taken anything" "Yes Im bloody sure" (Me trhinking-cant you tell my eyes are bloody blood shot and I look like sh*t - or is this what you think I look like alll the time) and then the Doctor says"your free to go: Indeedy Im free to go what a 7 mile walk home to hell or a knock on a lifetime of blackness, Either way you look at it , they are both the same. So what do I do ...yes take a blanket and walk from 5am in the morning to a 7 mile stretch to hell, and make it alive sippping coffee the following morning, embarassed about it all
So Ive made a mess of my life , I want be the first and i want be the last! But I cant get his hands of meactually the worst hting abot it is tthe other stuff he did-i was lucky I had my period-i find it weirsd, its not like I have to arouse him or anything. Oh sod it, I cant do this Im off..ive loads of work to do-thats all i can do!
So Ive made a mess of my life , I want be the first and i want be the last! But I cant get his hands of meactually the worst hting abot it is tthe other stuff he did-i was lucky I had my period-i find it weirsd, its not like I have to arouse him or anything. Oh sod it, I cant do this Im off..ive loads of work to do-thats all i can do!
Im finding this reallly strange. Thats the second person to tell me i am normal. Normal whats normal. I dont get that.
I suppose when its been nearly 13 years of knowing and trusting soemone that has told you you are mental( but meant it-you believe it to ap point, but this is what concerns me-they only see a rational me in a health clinic , they only see me and hear me, they dont know what else ids goingo nand its all a little bit one sided . PLus they only hear my complaints and my INTERPRETAIONTION OF THE COPLAINT so im not so convinces. Came home and craved fat foods like no tomorrow. Its weird I was rationalising my tinking ...like I dont eat fat as it makes you fat , so whats the first thing I do when I walkin the door ...Chocolate, cheese and hmm oh well.
I suppose when its been nearly 13 years of knowing and trusting soemone that has told you you are mental( but meant it-you believe it to ap point, but this is what concerns me-they only see a rational me in a health clinic , they only see me and hear me, they dont know what else ids goingo nand its all a little bit one sided . PLus they only hear my complaints and my INTERPRETAIONTION OF THE COPLAINT so im not so convinces. Came home and craved fat foods like no tomorrow. Its weird I was rationalising my tinking ...like I dont eat fat as it makes you fat , so whats the first thing I do when I walkin the door ...Chocolate, cheese and hmm oh well.
I know this sounds absolutely mental, but this is the start of total abstinence from alcohol for me. I am now going to saty up for as long as possible to complete an essay -that I should have finished. Its funny howm y oldmind works-yes as soon as all support networks are done with, I decide to help myself-mad cow that I am. i guess its like everyone said before-the only person that can help me is me. Sometimes support is non beneficial Its not like they can pop of and get me a house or pack and divide the furniture or do my msc for me ( asm uch as id like) its time for me to snap out of, so what If I feel like sh*t night after night, ive felt like sh*t night after night before and got on with it-what is the matter with me, I guess whne someone grabs a hold of you when they let go its scary having the fall.
Ive got a really strange but curious question to ask-but A) its a bit embarassing and would not be one for me to ask to a professional face to face and B) its a little whacky....
On Friday we had a really extremley hilarious lecture about looking after your hapney ( not sure if that how you spell it) but hey ho im not one for fixing my typoos anyway, right okay and it goes on or sorry it went on about how people kill themselves by asphyxication while doing the business to themselves. Okay, this puts a strange and rather absurd twist on things,,,,,as when I thought I was not going to be ablle to breathe for another minute more...the last thing I felt was any kind of excitement down below-so how does that work? not that i am intending on trying the above -its pretty gross..It just got me thinking about in a sick but comical sense. maybe the guy thing wasnt try to kill me afterall :-S Anyway, Im away to read about some irrelavant materiial on la la and mental health. YeahI wasnt allowed on the computer all night so thinking about taking my drugs tonight instead of the morning-or maybe prozac will do it.......I dont know. I think from what I read that I have some sort of panic diorde not gad...I think it comes form having Ptsd and thats that...I dont need the labels though and I certainly do not ned alcohol. Its funny how I really love the stuff but hate it so much when its not around me. I really do hate the stuff......do you think it mirrors somthing else in my life- I think it does...anyway, not sure who will ever read this. Ill just have to look push my housing officer. after friday nights little scenario......yes man thing was up to no good and deliberately manipulating me....I got the signs though and by saturday was all psychotic again...sunday howling all day and shivering ...today told my cpn that I had not taken her drug ( she wasnt impressed) and yes howled on her too...she probably had her own problems to deal with too-I guess that why I hate this so much . I used to momve on quickly form one thing to the next right now I feel extremley stuck and forced into a position of disenpoermwnt . Its a bit like being a dew i Hitlers house.
Ive got a really strange but curious question to ask-but A) its a bit embarassing and would not be one for me to ask to a professional face to face and B) its a little whacky....
On Friday we had a really extremley hilarious lecture about looking after your hapney ( not sure if that how you spell it) but hey ho im not one for fixing my typoos anyway, right okay and it goes on or sorry it went on about how people kill themselves by asphyxication while doing the business to themselves. Okay, this puts a strange and rather absurd twist on things,,,,,as when I thought I was not going to be ablle to breathe for another minute more...the last thing I felt was any kind of excitement down below-so how does that work? not that i am intending on trying the above -its pretty gross..It just got me thinking about in a sick but comical sense. maybe the guy thing wasnt try to kill me afterall :-S Anyway, Im away to read about some irrelavant materiial on la la and mental health. YeahI wasnt allowed on the computer all night so thinking about taking my drugs tonight instead of the morning-or maybe prozac will do it.......I dont know. I think from what I read that I have some sort of panic diorde not gad...I think it comes form having Ptsd and thats that...I dont need the labels though and I certainly do not ned alcohol. Its funny how I really love the stuff but hate it so much when its not around me. I really do hate the stuff......do you think it mirrors somthing else in my life- I think it does...anyway, not sure who will ever read this. Ill just have to look push my housing officer. after friday nights little scenario......yes man thing was up to no good and deliberately manipulating me....I got the signs though and by saturday was all psychotic again...sunday howling all day and shivering ...today told my cpn that I had not taken her drug ( she wasnt impressed) and yes howled on her too...she probably had her own problems to deal with too-I guess that why I hate this so much . I used to momve on quickly form one thing to the next right now I feel extremley stuck and forced into a position of disenpoermwnt . Its a bit like being a dew i Hitlers house.
Hm-Dont know what the hell Im going to do now!!!!
My fet are really sore. My boobs are still sore...Ive an ppointment for that coming up which I dont think will be anything but I hate my bpdy being messed about with.
Anyway, I just dont know what Im doing.I cant get on with my work as Ive jut ben invoiced a massivebill for funds, and worse the bank cannot help ...i thought idgot it sorted too
Is a mess.....and I am sure i have a borderline personality, sure of itPsychotic one minute, laughing the next and then so angry I feel my throat sore and I can hardly breath-does anyone know what I mean? You know when someone has died and you experiences that pain around your throat and inside pain and its really sore and it stops you from talking never mind anything else, in fact I was spitting out swear words the other day ...for no real reason, like a maniac...and Ive got to be careful because my anger issues are eploding in all the wrong places, on all the wrong people and so on
In away Im glad that the cpn lady has dismised me for a period-im not sure Ill ever want to go back. God only kows what these people think of me...I know this sounds stupid, but Id feel less ashamed , far less ashamed if it were an ed I had rather than a drinking problem...Im ean ..I dont eat very much especially just now butI sure llok like I do...and I never get hungry anymore, so when I eat it feels like piggery and a complete waist of time-dont know if anyone understands that? Gosh I can hardly keep my eyes open -is this normal. I came home, went to bd as I couldnt get my body warm, and slept woke up in a pure panic thinking it was friday and that Id slept in and not even seen the girls and missed my train-and not done work on my essy
Do you think if i had anything sinister wrong it would have shown in the relatively recent blood tests the doctor took at the clinic-because apparently they came back okay-then maybe I dont have to goGot to go . Hope all is well.
My fet are really sore. My boobs are still sore...Ive an ppointment for that coming up which I dont think will be anything but I hate my bpdy being messed about with.
Anyway, I just dont know what Im doing.I cant get on with my work as Ive jut ben invoiced a massivebill for funds, and worse the bank cannot help ...i thought idgot it sorted too
Is a mess.....and I am sure i have a borderline personality, sure of itPsychotic one minute, laughing the next and then so angry I feel my throat sore and I can hardly breath-does anyone know what I mean? You know when someone has died and you experiences that pain around your throat and inside pain and its really sore and it stops you from talking never mind anything else, in fact I was spitting out swear words the other day ...for no real reason, like a maniac...and Ive got to be careful because my anger issues are eploding in all the wrong places, on all the wrong people and so on
In away Im glad that the cpn lady has dismised me for a period-im not sure Ill ever want to go back. God only kows what these people think of me...I know this sounds stupid, but Id feel less ashamed , far less ashamed if it were an ed I had rather than a drinking problem...Im ean ..I dont eat very much especially just now butI sure llok like I do...and I never get hungry anymore, so when I eat it feels like piggery and a complete waist of time-dont know if anyone understands that? Gosh I can hardly keep my eyes open -is this normal. I came home, went to bd as I couldnt get my body warm, and slept woke up in a pure panic thinking it was friday and that Id slept in and not even seen the girls and missed my train-and not done work on my essy
Do you think if i had anything sinister wrong it would have shown in the relatively recent blood tests the doctor took at the clinic-because apparently they came back okay-then maybe I dont have to goGot to go . Hope all is well.
I didnt realise how tired I was-I put my foot in it bug time-Never going to speak out in class again-I just didnt meant to say what I said-and Ive felt so guilt ridden all day.
We had an absolutely amazing lecture. I want say what or who gave it-but I really thought he was clever and then I went and opend my stupid gob-I dont even know why. it was just there and Ive been worried all day that I upset the person(what an absolute id**t) I was doing okay and I only aprroached him because I wanted to say thank you m, but insteasd a complete insensitve ramble came out-never speak to someone who is extremly, exceptionally clever and not end your point cause your thinking ( what a damn stupid thing to say). I so hope I never upset anyone, I so hope not! It want stop me feeling guilty. I mean it wasnt really that bad within what I meant by what I was saying but the way it all fell out my gob was damn insensitive and i just didnt mean it in that way. sh*t now Im going to worry about it all night. It drained me all day. I reallly enjoyed the lecture too, and I think my class contribution was ok. I make some good points and I get so nervous that I always come home sweaty , even mum comented and stated I neede to get some dove doeodarant....always go back to selfish me- I just didnt mean anything to be or seem so insensitive. I meant it that I understood and could relate in away, I meant it to put hime at ease, but bloody hell it all went pear shaped. Grrr I anger myself...even just thinking I hurt someone made me look at my box of laxs and I had that thought of just take control or not as the case ma be.
Its so confirmed in my head that it is BPd, with anxiety and alcoholism that ive got...Im not one for labels but its just if fits, so trying to get out of that spectrum, ut I reckon Ill always have a one sided view, but as I know that I try to open my mind up a little-does this make sense to anyone?
Im not one for diagnosis either, as you could go on, its bdd, and did, and Bip and a little shizoaffective and psyhotic, with mixed ptsd syndrome...pfff honestly that thing is shot of the scale with a mixed in ednos which Ithink im over, but I know when I get so out of control thats my conrol.
Thats the thing thats never been addressed...I mean Ive been told to do this and that ..and that will make me feel better-but will it really? No one really knows if it will..and the truth being Ive struggled all my life with relationships .Just desperately, anxiusly want to be liked!... I dont even wish to feel attractive, though I am self conscious-but I think men hate that anyway.
I was so tired today. My so called ex came home and stayed up late , like 2 am...I was thinking Icould sleep...pfff, yeah right, then the neighbours...they are bloody bunny rabbits and the walls are so thin....god if it takes that long who could be bothered-somesort of weight loss programme that and they are disgusting I dont really wish to hear that..it gotme annoyed....and I reckon the entire street could hear..So i got up at 3am turned computer on, looked at absolute rubbish essay which im planning to work on. Got to uni at 840 am ...went to lecture....went out for lunch ...walked round primark...realised my pay packet is way below my usual....started to panic...honestly the bags under my eyes were horrible. I realised though yes, alot of old memeories come back , but I realise that actually, ive got 2 lovely kids and theres nothing that will ever change that and really thats the best anyone can do-even if I am not the best mum in the wold.
Still avoid the underground like the plague thoughand still want to runaway.
The good or not so good thing about me, is my jokes....and what i found inspiring today was that this ambitious man , who seemed to me to be exceptionally clever had suffered with a severe mental issue...and all I could thin was he doesnt deserve the label, He just deserves patience empathy and understadning, and the addedf fact ws that he could almst empathises with anyone that had ever had a problem , like a severe problem..I felt bad too I felt peopl ewere judging me when I brought up about my best friend...but there was no point in saying what had happened ( in the end) and thei was no point frightening others, but I wnated to cry but I also felt people were thinking I was untrustworthy because I had mentioned her case, so I felt sh*t!
I managed a luvnch today...I never had any alcohol for 2 nights. Its Friday and I know theres no excuse, but I felt so guilt ridden I bought myself some wine.
This is another issue which hopefully will hold me back from seeing my gp, I think I seee him too much and thas embarassing... yes, its funny ( not funny laughable, but funny strange, My sister was talking to someone who suffered a horrid diease, one which makes you both blind and deaf, and theres nothing you can do about it...Now today I met a person with a similar problem, but they were still ambitious and trying to make the most of the ir sighter time, and hearing left...without being too upset-thought I do recognise an ed when i see one..which is also upsetting, but well if i was going both blind and deaf and my only talent was art or music or writing..then Id not be too worried about missing the odd meal either
Then I nearly lost my essay on my computer-the panic and tears and sweats were horrid! Anyway, Ive got to go, I seem to be putting piles of weight on too.
We had an absolutely amazing lecture. I want say what or who gave it-but I really thought he was clever and then I went and opend my stupid gob-I dont even know why. it was just there and Ive been worried all day that I upset the person(what an absolute id**t) I was doing okay and I only aprroached him because I wanted to say thank you m, but insteasd a complete insensitve ramble came out-never speak to someone who is extremly, exceptionally clever and not end your point cause your thinking ( what a damn stupid thing to say). I so hope I never upset anyone, I so hope not! It want stop me feeling guilty. I mean it wasnt really that bad within what I meant by what I was saying but the way it all fell out my gob was damn insensitive and i just didnt mean it in that way. sh*t now Im going to worry about it all night. It drained me all day. I reallly enjoyed the lecture too, and I think my class contribution was ok. I make some good points and I get so nervous that I always come home sweaty , even mum comented and stated I neede to get some dove doeodarant....always go back to selfish me- I just didnt mean anything to be or seem so insensitive. I meant it that I understood and could relate in away, I meant it to put hime at ease, but bloody hell it all went pear shaped. Grrr I anger myself...even just thinking I hurt someone made me look at my box of laxs and I had that thought of just take control or not as the case ma be.
Its so confirmed in my head that it is BPd, with anxiety and alcoholism that ive got...Im not one for labels but its just if fits, so trying to get out of that spectrum, ut I reckon Ill always have a one sided view, but as I know that I try to open my mind up a little-does this make sense to anyone?
Im not one for diagnosis either, as you could go on, its bdd, and did, and Bip and a little shizoaffective and psyhotic, with mixed ptsd syndrome...pfff honestly that thing is shot of the scale with a mixed in ednos which Ithink im over, but I know when I get so out of control thats my conrol.
Thats the thing thats never been addressed...I mean Ive been told to do this and that ..and that will make me feel better-but will it really? No one really knows if it will..and the truth being Ive struggled all my life with relationships .Just desperately, anxiusly want to be liked!... I dont even wish to feel attractive, though I am self conscious-but I think men hate that anyway.
I was so tired today. My so called ex came home and stayed up late , like 2 am...I was thinking Icould sleep...pfff, yeah right, then the neighbours...they are bloody bunny rabbits and the walls are so thin....god if it takes that long who could be bothered-somesort of weight loss programme that and they are disgusting I dont really wish to hear that..it gotme annoyed....and I reckon the entire street could hear..So i got up at 3am turned computer on, looked at absolute rubbish essay which im planning to work on. Got to uni at 840 am ...went to lecture....went out for lunch ...walked round primark...realised my pay packet is way below my usual....started to panic...honestly the bags under my eyes were horrible. I realised though yes, alot of old memeories come back , but I realise that actually, ive got 2 lovely kids and theres nothing that will ever change that and really thats the best anyone can do-even if I am not the best mum in the wold.
Still avoid the underground like the plague thoughand still want to runaway.
The good or not so good thing about me, is my jokes....and what i found inspiring today was that this ambitious man , who seemed to me to be exceptionally clever had suffered with a severe mental issue...and all I could thin was he doesnt deserve the label, He just deserves patience empathy and understadning, and the addedf fact ws that he could almst empathises with anyone that had ever had a problem , like a severe problem..I felt bad too I felt peopl ewere judging me when I brought up about my best friend...but there was no point in saying what had happened ( in the end) and thei was no point frightening others, but I wnated to cry but I also felt people were thinking I was untrustworthy because I had mentioned her case, so I felt sh*t!
I managed a luvnch today...I never had any alcohol for 2 nights. Its Friday and I know theres no excuse, but I felt so guilt ridden I bought myself some wine.
This is another issue which hopefully will hold me back from seeing my gp, I think I seee him too much and thas embarassing... yes, its funny ( not funny laughable, but funny strange, My sister was talking to someone who suffered a horrid diease, one which makes you both blind and deaf, and theres nothing you can do about it...Now today I met a person with a similar problem, but they were still ambitious and trying to make the most of the ir sighter time, and hearing left...without being too upset-thought I do recognise an ed when i see one..which is also upsetting, but well if i was going both blind and deaf and my only talent was art or music or writing..then Id not be too worried about missing the odd meal either
Then I nearly lost my essay on my computer-the panic and tears and sweats were horrid! Anyway, Ive got to go, I seem to be putting piles of weight on too.
This is weird. Ive been geting paind in my knees and wrists and well my nekc is always c**p...and today I couldnt stop scratching my wrists as though I wanted to pluck my veins out. I feel really fat and unatractive....but I dont want to hide anymore , i want fight my feeling.Anyone can look okay if they just try -we just have to make them ost of it-i dont want to feel sorry for myself ever again-I dont want to ever feel that. I can understand why my Gp would hate me-or any other health professional that has come across me, i can understand why that would be the case-but It wasnt deliberate..looking back on it, i thin k my god I was unwell. I saw a phot of me, and I looked thinner than my usual self, and you could see I had been jaw biting when the photao was taken. i dont ever want to feel like that again and I fear it so much! Just , well moreso i fear panic attacks...the other night I was about to go to bed and i went to the lou , i trembeld and I couldnt stop it and it semed to go on and on, but I calmed myself down - ive had it before-what ids that-hav eI got some sort of epilepsy?
In my head, I feel ok, my course and talking to others has really worked, but Im terrified and feel the pressure at the same time+im going to have to get another job to get out of debt, Im goign to have to either find abnother part time job or go full time- I look so old and fat it doesnt upset me anymore-because I deserve to look this way, but what I really struggle with is how I can o back so easily to a place that was once a home, a place that also was a torture to me, but its changed so i am trying to see it in a new light , see me in a new light, but it still comes back-the feelings are still there. and there is this deep rooted -what if I do this and still cant get a job-then what?
Honestly I feel a little bit like a cripple , though I dont know what that feels like. im worried about my mum as she has tested positive for lupus and has the memory spam of a goldfish-but at least she seems happy. Though Lupus is a pretty un researched thing. Ive forgotten what that disease was that that girl had, its horrible it begins with a U
In my head, I feel ok, my course and talking to others has really worked, but Im terrified and feel the pressure at the same time+im going to have to get another job to get out of debt, Im goign to have to either find abnother part time job or go full time- I look so old and fat it doesnt upset me anymore-because I deserve to look this way, but what I really struggle with is how I can o back so easily to a place that was once a home, a place that also was a torture to me, but its changed so i am trying to see it in a new light , see me in a new light, but it still comes back-the feelings are still there. and there is this deep rooted -what if I do this and still cant get a job-then what?
Honestly I feel a little bit like a cripple , though I dont know what that feels like. im worried about my mum as she has tested positive for lupus and has the memory spam of a goldfish-but at least she seems happy. Though Lupus is a pretty un researched thing. Ive forgotten what that disease was that that girl had, its horrible it begins with a U