This is going to be difficult/ Panic attack 1 of the day over, choke choke cough cough -heading for the white tunnel! This is really frustrating. I knkow I know it, but I dont know it by all these medical terminology and that means I dont know it...and help!
>:( >:( >:( >:( Oh Mummy! My legs are like jelly! And, had panic crossing road...Big huge road, and nearly got stuck in the middle-so not good! And Now hoinh to make my way though....Thats Panic with or without agrpophobia Oh god this is a nightmare!
Katy!!! CALM DOWN!! I am out of breathe reading this! Do you WANT to do the course or NOT? THAT is the question OK? As I stated before IF you keep freaking out by this, perhaps it is not a good idea to continue! HOW are you going to do this course if you FREAK out so badly each time! Honestly Katy! If you are not able to cross a street - from a MAJOR panic attack, your body and brain are telling you this is too much! You come on line more than you are concentrating, so I think you need to escape the course by coming on here! Guest help me out here will ya? What do you think Katy should do with this course?
Oh dear dear Dawn-I sat the exam-and sat out the duration 3hrs-and wrote the whole entire 3 hrs, but not even I could read my oen handwriting. i t was like I was esceptionally pmted. I knew what I wanted to say but couldnt. I thinktheyll call me up after reading that paper-the tips of my fingers have gone numb from writing-I expected to be bouncing about the place - thinking that sover till spetember, but I ama on such a downer and feeling sick! I felt sick throughout the exam too, as though I was going to throw up- and so may students had borrowed an essay from and asked me if I was dyslexic right beore the exam. ive tried so hard to hide form it, tat I was really dissapointed and my handwriting made it obvious! b****r! I know it will be either very borderline pass or a resit in august ir perhaps they could use my old exam paper and tell where to go and read and direct me for the right help ( god only knows!)
So Im on a downer! I dont go back till september or maybe august-but im pissed of with myself I tried but i nlamked out-then right at the end things started to come to me. Its embarassing. My tutir told me Id be fine before going in, and she was so loving and giving to her other students-I wanted to do okay-but I seriously do not think I have-though you can never tell- but I now I read A little at the end and thought f**k that makes no sense! So I dont know how I did. the only thing I can say, is theI certainly didnt reala! Now Im truly dissapointed that im not normal!
I spent anhur walking round the city, but got paniced, its soo much bigger than ever and I didnt know what to do with myself I wantd to bump into old frineds as this world is small but no such luck! Im really on a downer now, because I know I could have danced that one away without much effort! i worte 3 essays one onthe pros and cons of diagnosis, the 2nd on depression and the 3rd on disociative identity disorder- i decided to not talk about panic instead it put ino n one!
Then home chaos, i want to cry-feel extrmley fat and sweaty and rash on my back ( heat rash) just feel run down.
i dont have a dissertaion supervisor but my plan was to start it in June to take pressure of off next year. I love my course, its really interesting and its an escape-but i find its hard..it reminds me of the past and when I go there Ieven walk the corridors and I even think of that bedsit as home even though it was horrid( id dont know if youll understand that?)Im imiss my old head banger frineds.- the ones that would just say sod it-relax-even if youd didnt do that wel we know your clever katy-I mis them all so much!
Anyway, i got a bus to the trainstation and then hobbled by leaning against buildings to get there-im sure people were taing the piss out of my 2 buns in my hair and my dress over my jeans but I dont really care about that. Im sad that I did do work but its certainly not shined through like I wanted it to! I did argue that DiD is just like any other diseaese even if docs think it munchausen by proxy-there has to be a reason for reacting it all-if that how you understand the illnesss to be? Im not so sure though. As its such a huge undiagnosed topic, and what if I become this?
So Im on a downer! I dont go back till september or maybe august-but im pissed of with myself I tried but i nlamked out-then right at the end things started to come to me. Its embarassing. My tutir told me Id be fine before going in, and she was so loving and giving to her other students-I wanted to do okay-but I seriously do not think I have-though you can never tell- but I now I read A little at the end and thought f**k that makes no sense! So I dont know how I did. the only thing I can say, is theI certainly didnt reala! Now Im truly dissapointed that im not normal!
I spent anhur walking round the city, but got paniced, its soo much bigger than ever and I didnt know what to do with myself I wantd to bump into old frineds as this world is small but no such luck! Im really on a downer now, because I know I could have danced that one away without much effort! i worte 3 essays one onthe pros and cons of diagnosis, the 2nd on depression and the 3rd on disociative identity disorder- i decided to not talk about panic instead it put ino n one!
Then home chaos, i want to cry-feel extrmley fat and sweaty and rash on my back ( heat rash) just feel run down.
i dont have a dissertaion supervisor but my plan was to start it in June to take pressure of off next year. I love my course, its really interesting and its an escape-but i find its hard..it reminds me of the past and when I go there Ieven walk the corridors and I even think of that bedsit as home even though it was horrid( id dont know if youll understand that?)Im imiss my old head banger frineds.- the ones that would just say sod it-relax-even if youd didnt do that wel we know your clever katy-I mis them all so much!
Anyway, i got a bus to the trainstation and then hobbled by leaning against buildings to get there-im sure people were taing the piss out of my 2 buns in my hair and my dress over my jeans but I dont really care about that. Im sad that I did do work but its certainly not shined through like I wanted it to! I did argue that DiD is just like any other diseaese even if docs think it munchausen by proxy-there has to be a reason for reacting it all-if that how you understand the illnesss to be? Im not so sure though. As its such a huge undiagnosed topic, and what if I become this?
I dont get this- I felt like I was going to pass out at work-yet I felt fine in my head and things! Then I nearly had a full blown panic for no reason and I thought Id be better-but now Ive nothing to distract myself- i dont know how Iam going to get through these next months. i feel really down about it-maybe I just need some sleep!
What is tis non my back-it feels like a mealy rash-but you cant see anything-you can just fel the realy itchy bumps. is this just heat rash? Whats wrong with me? I feel like suhc afreak and why why am I such a freak?
Ya...I agree, you have a LOT going on right now, and I think you need a break....I know you love your course and want to continue, but maybe now isn't the right time....its really overwhelming you, and its one more thing you have to stress over...Maybe once you figure everything else out in your life then you can go back to that, but right now it seems too much for your body to handle...as Bambi said, your panic attacks are your bodys way of telling you its too much!! As humans we always ignore the signs and don't listen to ourselves and what our body is trying to tell us, until something bad happens! don't let it get to that point! Just take a break!! you need one...and don't beat yourself up for not being able to handle everything...and try not to stress over your marks on your exam, just wait and see what happens, you never know, you could have done really well!! Just take it one day at a time, and one thing at a time.
Have you ever tried or thought of reconnecting with your old friends?
Have you ever tried or thought of reconnecting with your old friends?
Hi Guest-thanks! I really really miss one of my old friends-sje was called Fiona. She was very ambitious but we got on like twins. WE used to get asked if we were. When I go back to my old school- I thik about her. My other friend that I was as close with passed away at a young age! Id live to reconnect with my old uni/college pals-but I feel like there so much now that I wouldnt be the Katy I was then and same for them-it scares me a little!
Having said that ,Ive 2 great mum friends-but they have such busy lives! Also i want to just spend tim ewith family.
We-Im okay at the moment-if I ignore the panic-I am okay. My partner has decide we has a relationship or something ( I dont get that) what is that? Hes a really bad back at the moment and cant really move too great - though puts me in a safer place-but its also exhausting!
I know my exam hasnt gone that well! I know it wasnt my best-as I sat at the begininning I was trying to remind myself of 4th year and it sent shudders down my spine-shudders taht still happen continuously-ive found though I had a better nights sleep and maybe I was stressed. i get a breal now until september time, but think I better think of my dissertation!
To be honest-Ill be extremly surprised if I pass! But hey-if I fail-worse things have happened. the other thing is I allready have this qualification from 12 years ago-so can they take away that pass? Despite the system having changed?
Anyway, i think ive prickly heat , skin feels measley, but im not ill !
I dont know-tomorrow is a tidy up day-and to think what to do next!
take care!
Having said that ,Ive 2 great mum friends-but they have such busy lives! Also i want to just spend tim ewith family.
We-Im okay at the moment-if I ignore the panic-I am okay. My partner has decide we has a relationship or something ( I dont get that) what is that? Hes a really bad back at the moment and cant really move too great - though puts me in a safer place-but its also exhausting!
I know my exam hasnt gone that well! I know it wasnt my best-as I sat at the begininning I was trying to remind myself of 4th year and it sent shudders down my spine-shudders taht still happen continuously-ive found though I had a better nights sleep and maybe I was stressed. i get a breal now until september time, but think I better think of my dissertation!
To be honest-Ill be extremly surprised if I pass! But hey-if I fail-worse things have happened. the other thing is I allready have this qualification from 12 years ago-so can they take away that pass? Despite the system having changed?
Anyway, i think ive prickly heat , skin feels measley, but im not ill !
I dont know-tomorrow is a tidy up day-and to think what to do next!
take care!
Im in a really bad mood today. i feel like everyone is controlling me. Like I am invisible-im not important. I have no voice. The kids ignore me when I ask them to tidy. apparently my mum is coming round again. i feel like shes watching me like I am a child, I feel like its too late for her to watch me , adn I hate how she spoillds my children when I efeel like she didnt even like me as a child. All that sounds so bad and dsounds like I have a great big chip on my shoulder - I do ! But also the other side is I totally love her at the same time. My feelings are probably the normal -I odnt know -and I know I should really appreciate her- i do, but just wihsh I had a voide that could be heard as much as hers and in such hugh regard!
Hmmm- I forgot about this( doh!) Who the hell is "Christmas caller?"
I totally get what your saying!! I had a best friend, and we were exactly the same in so many ways, people kept mixing up our names! and we were like twins! love her like shes my sister. But she ended up moving to the states :-( and i miss her like crazy!! we still talk and know whats going on in our lives and try to see each other at least once a year, but it doesn't always happen. It couldn't hurt to recconect with old friends, yes everyone probably changed a little bit, but i did with my other friends and it was like we were always together, and we would reminisce about the good ol days, like a mini reunion :-D
You could have gotten a heat rash! i know here the heat is extreme right now!! thank god for the person who made air conditioning!
I totally get where your coming from!! you want to be needed yet you want your alone time, you want people to care about you and help you out, but be independant and know you can do it on your own. And shes spoiling your children because their her grand children, its like an unwritten law that they do that...makes you jealous you never got that treatment, but then again they don't have to watch and raise them 24/7 like you do....and i do think everyone feels that way at some point in their lives.
So your partner thinks you to have a relationship together? is that what he wants? is that what YOU want? so your schooling is done for a few months now? maybe its time to focus on what you want to do about your living situation...when was the last time you thought about it?
You could have gotten a heat rash! i know here the heat is extreme right now!! thank god for the person who made air conditioning!
I totally get where your coming from!! you want to be needed yet you want your alone time, you want people to care about you and help you out, but be independant and know you can do it on your own. And shes spoiling your children because their her grand children, its like an unwritten law that they do that...makes you jealous you never got that treatment, but then again they don't have to watch and raise them 24/7 like you do....and i do think everyone feels that way at some point in their lives.
So your partner thinks you to have a relationship together? is that what he wants? is that what YOU want? so your schooling is done for a few months now? maybe its time to focus on what you want to do about your living situation...when was the last time you thought about it?
I think about it all the time-constantly- but its more :what am i going to do? : Is this it for me? How can I get out when there is NO soial housing and where am I going to get the money? and I honestly know he couldnt pay or afford to pay themaintencance. and who is this "Christmas caller" That keeps asking if hes all right? Yup! he wamts to shift me out- on my own and move them in. Mother replacemtent is in the stock room.
I feel odd today! Im sick and tired of this situation-I want to be loved by him to because he is the father of my children, because when he says good things I listen to them and try to believe them more than the bad things. I pretend the bad things arent happeing when they are-but the bad things sty in my memory more than the good things-I just dont want to believe it( if you understand where I am coming from!)
I think ive a heat rash on my back, but it must be playing havoc with my nerves as I keep getting the "someone has just walked over my grave"
I met my mum -im worried about her-shes been told she has lupus and bruises really easily. Also we had a lovely time today together-it must have been al the moanoing I was doing prior to seeing her!
I cant see a way out of this at all- no matter what others tell me- I cant see it! I just feel incredibly stuck and like Dawn says"crying wolf; but I know the difference between right and wrong good and bad and that a relationship is hard work at times, but that I should never have to feel afraid or upset because I dont know how he willl react. hes so changeable it scares me!
I feel odd today! Im sick and tired of this situation-I want to be loved by him to because he is the father of my children, because when he says good things I listen to them and try to believe them more than the bad things. I pretend the bad things arent happeing when they are-but the bad things sty in my memory more than the good things-I just dont want to believe it( if you understand where I am coming from!)
I think ive a heat rash on my back, but it must be playing havoc with my nerves as I keep getting the "someone has just walked over my grave"
I met my mum -im worried about her-shes been told she has lupus and bruises really easily. Also we had a lovely time today together-it must have been al the moanoing I was doing prior to seeing her!
I cant see a way out of this at all- no matter what others tell me- I cant see it! I just feel incredibly stuck and like Dawn says"crying wolf; but I know the difference between right and wrong good and bad and that a relationship is hard work at times, but that I should never have to feel afraid or upset because I dont know how he willl react. hes so changeable it scares me!
Im worried! I dont want to go back to that drinks place. I cont want to go back to my gps ever ( because they all know) I dont want to do very much-and worst im thinking about topping myself 24/7! I actually see no end and this is my only awy . I never buy pills and ( not paracetamol or anything im alletgic to nurofen something in it makes me sick- anyway- i cant get rid of these thought. Then I think about others that have done the same and think wht I think of them. Im trapped
Strabde pain above left hip-feels really raw!
Katy! You HAVE to take your pills! I want your to phone a suicide prevention line! Since you are thinking about this 24/7 this is SERIOUS that neither myself and I'm sure Guest do NOT have experience in! You are SO on the edge this is scaring me! And please don't brush this off! You have gotten worse and worse and there HAS to be a reason why you are getting closer than ever before! So please get some help OK? HUGS