P.S. Zeek are you ok? you have gone quiet!
please feel free to come back and have a moan/ get some support/ whatever u need...
Hanna x
please feel free to come back and have a moan/ get some support/ whatever u need...
Hanna x
Hi Hanna,
I'm SOOOOO glad to hear you're feeling the finest bit better!!!!! Don't get discouraged if you start feeling poor again, from my understanding the WD's might come in waves. This is your body, mind, and spirit mending itself. I'm really releaved you didn't give in to your Dr.'s recommendation, it looks as though you're being finally being rewarded for your efforts.
I'm not any stronger than you, I think the biggest difference are two fold; 1. I tools the meds for about 8-9 months versus a couple of years 2. The prescription drug taper (Hydro's first 4-5 days and Tramodol until Friday). If it wasn't for the Tramodol I'd be curruled in a fetal position crying like a little girl! I didn't really have an opportunity to focus on how I felt yesterday because I was incredibly busy with work. To answer your question, no one knows what I'm going through but I did pull the old "ugh, I sprained my back doing such and such and I'm in a lot of pain blah, blah, blah". That kept people at bat when I was feeling the worst. I was going to use the old "I have the flu" excuse but it was too close to the truth for comfort.
Today will be an even more challenging day but it all comes down to choices. When you have EVERYTHING to lose; my career, friends, family, and GF them failure is not an option. It's that reality that keeps me going. I'm sure you're maybe thinking I'm not giving these folks enough credit and they would probably support me if they found out. You're right, they would eventually support me (friends & family, maybe not my GF) but their disappointment and shock would be earth shattering. I'll say it again; this was MY decision and I must bare the sole responsibility for making said decision. I can't transfer this to those around me, especially when so many depend on me. I envy the relationship you have with your friends and family and how open you can be with them. They sound like really good people but we all have different circumstances and have to deal with those in our own way.
I hope you're feeling even better as you read this. Please let me know how you're feeling when you have a moment. You're always in my thoughts Hanna!
Best Regards,
-R
I'm SOOOOO glad to hear you're feeling the finest bit better!!!!! Don't get discouraged if you start feeling poor again, from my understanding the WD's might come in waves. This is your body, mind, and spirit mending itself. I'm really releaved you didn't give in to your Dr.'s recommendation, it looks as though you're being finally being rewarded for your efforts.
I'm not any stronger than you, I think the biggest difference are two fold; 1. I tools the meds for about 8-9 months versus a couple of years 2. The prescription drug taper (Hydro's first 4-5 days and Tramodol until Friday). If it wasn't for the Tramodol I'd be curruled in a fetal position crying like a little girl! I didn't really have an opportunity to focus on how I felt yesterday because I was incredibly busy with work. To answer your question, no one knows what I'm going through but I did pull the old "ugh, I sprained my back doing such and such and I'm in a lot of pain blah, blah, blah". That kept people at bat when I was feeling the worst. I was going to use the old "I have the flu" excuse but it was too close to the truth for comfort.
Today will be an even more challenging day but it all comes down to choices. When you have EVERYTHING to lose; my career, friends, family, and GF them failure is not an option. It's that reality that keeps me going. I'm sure you're maybe thinking I'm not giving these folks enough credit and they would probably support me if they found out. You're right, they would eventually support me (friends & family, maybe not my GF) but their disappointment and shock would be earth shattering. I'll say it again; this was MY decision and I must bare the sole responsibility for making said decision. I can't transfer this to those around me, especially when so many depend on me. I envy the relationship you have with your friends and family and how open you can be with them. They sound like really good people but we all have different circumstances and have to deal with those in our own way.
I hope you're feeling even better as you read this. Please let me know how you're feeling when you have a moment. You're always in my thoughts Hanna!
Best Regards,
-R
I haven’t really said this before, but I do feel bad for you not having any one to confide in (apart frm me obv). I don’t think my friends/ family are particularly special (not being horrible)- I have just chosen to surround myself with people who are not easily shocked!!!!
I met my partner when we worked together 8 yrs ago and he wasn’t shocked by anything I said, so I ended up confiding in him that I was taking C&H. He didn’t bat an eyelid, even tho he doesn’t do drugs himself (apart from a bit of pot every few months). I had NO idea back then that we would hook up. To be honest, I was so in love with the ex back then that I didn’t even look at another man (He was my drug, and not in a healthy way)
When me and my partner got together, I had made my move from my ex, and all of that , and like I said, I still took drugs, which he didn’t like at all, but he said I had to stop for me, not him, so he tolerated it till I was clean (yes, he was very patient bless him). There were some horrible times- I would go missing for days on end on a crack binge down Brixton with other men, when we had planned a picnic with his sons (he has 2 boys from his previous relationship.)...that would upset him - I had not only chosen drugs over him and his kids, but I had spent the night with other guys (no sex involved...it was all about the drugs!)
Anyway, I am getting too much into the history. When I started taking drugs I had a couple of gfs literally deserted me. No questions. They just didn’t wana know someone on drugs. And you know what? I thought ‘’good riddance’’. They can’t have really been my friends to drop me so easily. On the other hand, there were friends who stood by me, even tho they hated my ex, and hated what I was doing, so would only see me during the times I was away from the ex and not taking drugs in front of them. But they are still my friends today and often talk about how they are so happy I got off the hard stuff and reminisce about what a mess I was!!! Lol.
Sorry, but writing on this forum, and going through this detox has made me think a lot about the past and try to figure out where I went wrong and how I can stop it happening again once I get thru this.
I read your story the other day and it did make me giggle (You have a sense of humour a bit like mine). Sounds like u have quite an addictive personality. ...are you going to stay clean after this??? I know you have the strength to, but it’s whether or not you want to.
Listen, you don’t need to defend yourself about not telling people what is going on. I do understand. There is still certain ppl I can’t tell. For example, my mum.. I love her, but she is very judgemental. If I told her what I was going thru, she would probably say I have brought it on myself, and she is glad that I am now suffering (well, I don’t know if she would really say that, but I am not taking the chance!!)..Plus it would probably stress her out.
OK back to today. Yeah, it’s not been too bad. Not great either, but I think we need to take each day as it comes, and do our best. I feel a bit more positive, but still frustrated by the constant weakness. A couple of gfs said I looked better today, so that’s something, I know I look pale though, and my eyes have that haunted look!!! Doesn’t help that i have lost weight too. At least I am managing to wash every day, which is something I don’t feel like doing!
It’s good that you have been so busy that you haven’t had a chance to think about how you feel. I wish I felt like that at work. There is plenty to do, but nothing is really ‘inspiring’ me right now.
I better go feed the cats................they are driving me mad. ...since I have been going thru this detox one of them WILL NOT leave me alone, and she keeps ‘cleaning’ me with her disgusting fishy tongue ....urggghh!!!
Will check in later....keep strong and keep doing what you’re doing..(You are obviously doing something right!)....oh and don’t worry about coming off the Tramadol...the ‘pain’ isn’t that bad...I mean, its manageable...you will be totally fine ok? Probably wont even feel anything now.
H
I met my partner when we worked together 8 yrs ago and he wasn’t shocked by anything I said, so I ended up confiding in him that I was taking C&H. He didn’t bat an eyelid, even tho he doesn’t do drugs himself (apart from a bit of pot every few months). I had NO idea back then that we would hook up. To be honest, I was so in love with the ex back then that I didn’t even look at another man (He was my drug, and not in a healthy way)
When me and my partner got together, I had made my move from my ex, and all of that , and like I said, I still took drugs, which he didn’t like at all, but he said I had to stop for me, not him, so he tolerated it till I was clean (yes, he was very patient bless him). There were some horrible times- I would go missing for days on end on a crack binge down Brixton with other men, when we had planned a picnic with his sons (he has 2 boys from his previous relationship.)...that would upset him - I had not only chosen drugs over him and his kids, but I had spent the night with other guys (no sex involved...it was all about the drugs!)
Anyway, I am getting too much into the history. When I started taking drugs I had a couple of gfs literally deserted me. No questions. They just didn’t wana know someone on drugs. And you know what? I thought ‘’good riddance’’. They can’t have really been my friends to drop me so easily. On the other hand, there were friends who stood by me, even tho they hated my ex, and hated what I was doing, so would only see me during the times I was away from the ex and not taking drugs in front of them. But they are still my friends today and often talk about how they are so happy I got off the hard stuff and reminisce about what a mess I was!!! Lol.
Sorry, but writing on this forum, and going through this detox has made me think a lot about the past and try to figure out where I went wrong and how I can stop it happening again once I get thru this.
I read your story the other day and it did make me giggle (You have a sense of humour a bit like mine). Sounds like u have quite an addictive personality. ...are you going to stay clean after this??? I know you have the strength to, but it’s whether or not you want to.
Listen, you don’t need to defend yourself about not telling people what is going on. I do understand. There is still certain ppl I can’t tell. For example, my mum.. I love her, but she is very judgemental. If I told her what I was going thru, she would probably say I have brought it on myself, and she is glad that I am now suffering (well, I don’t know if she would really say that, but I am not taking the chance!!)..Plus it would probably stress her out.
OK back to today. Yeah, it’s not been too bad. Not great either, but I think we need to take each day as it comes, and do our best. I feel a bit more positive, but still frustrated by the constant weakness. A couple of gfs said I looked better today, so that’s something, I know I look pale though, and my eyes have that haunted look!!! Doesn’t help that i have lost weight too. At least I am managing to wash every day, which is something I don’t feel like doing!
It’s good that you have been so busy that you haven’t had a chance to think about how you feel. I wish I felt like that at work. There is plenty to do, but nothing is really ‘inspiring’ me right now.
I better go feed the cats................they are driving me mad. ...since I have been going thru this detox one of them WILL NOT leave me alone, and she keeps ‘cleaning’ me with her disgusting fishy tongue ....urggghh!!!
Will check in later....keep strong and keep doing what you’re doing..(You are obviously doing something right!)....oh and don’t worry about coming off the Tramadol...the ‘pain’ isn’t that bad...I mean, its manageable...you will be totally fine ok? Probably wont even feel anything now.
H
Hi guys, I'm still here. DEPRESSION......I had a hard time doing anything. We just moved so I waited to do this detox until we were settled in the new place and before I started work. So I am holed up in the house constantly thinking about how horrible I feel.
I'm having major gult over going to the ER for my "back" and getting percocet last Friday. I have been taking 6-8 5/325's a day and they have been making me feel better. I'm now afraid I will have to detox off of them soon. If I don't take them I really can't bare to move. Not an option when my youngest son is home with me and need to be cared for.
Both of you are helping me stay strong. I looked up suboxone doctors in my new state and wouldn't you know there is on 2.5 miles from our house. Not going to do it! I'm just starting to worry about the percocet. My DOC was H&C and anything else I could get my hands on for awhile, so i'm not sure how long it will take to get dependent on the percocet I'm taking. They are not making high but they take the edge off significantly. Is that ok for a brain in the condition of my brain? I keep thinging that if Dr. Daniel Amen did a brain scan on me he would tell me there is nothing that can be done to heal my brain. Sorry, I just came across his book "change your brain, change your life" while unpacking last week.
Hanna I'm glad you are feeling a little better. I would get rid of those subs, if I had them in the house they would definitely make it into my mouth.
R you are a trooper!
I'm having major gult over going to the ER for my "back" and getting percocet last Friday. I have been taking 6-8 5/325's a day and they have been making me feel better. I'm now afraid I will have to detox off of them soon. If I don't take them I really can't bare to move. Not an option when my youngest son is home with me and need to be cared for.
Both of you are helping me stay strong. I looked up suboxone doctors in my new state and wouldn't you know there is on 2.5 miles from our house. Not going to do it! I'm just starting to worry about the percocet. My DOC was H&C and anything else I could get my hands on for awhile, so i'm not sure how long it will take to get dependent on the percocet I'm taking. They are not making high but they take the edge off significantly. Is that ok for a brain in the condition of my brain? I keep thinging that if Dr. Daniel Amen did a brain scan on me he would tell me there is nothing that can be done to heal my brain. Sorry, I just came across his book "change your brain, change your life" while unpacking last week.
Hanna I'm glad you are feeling a little better. I would get rid of those subs, if I had them in the house they would definitely make it into my mouth.
R you are a trooper!
Hi Hanna,
Quick break so quick message...I can't stress how happy I am that you're feeling a little better today, I think this is the start of you feeling a little to much better as each day goes by. You are a "touch chick" is we Yanks say it! I don't think I could have stopped myself from taking the Subs if I had them available!
I am a bit worried about stopping the Trams but ie only been on them 12 days and not taking more than 400MG's per day which may sound high but not really with this kind of medication. This is what's helped me with the depression as some Dr.'s in the US are starting to prescribe them for depression. I've tried Zoloft, and a few others but I have a severely bad reaction to those types of antidepressant medications. Some of them aren't supposed to kick in for almost a month but I feel the effects right away and they are aweful. It makes me feel like I took some really bad acid or mushrooms with a little bit of withdrawal symptoms (wanting to crawl out of my skin, irritability, general uncomfortablness, etc.)...weird, I know.
The last thing I want to do however is switch from one addiction to another so I am being extremely careful even though everything I've read says it takes months at high MG's to get addicted to Trams but with my history I'm obviously at a much higher risk than your average Joe or Tommy in your case (-;
On a positive note, I had some "loving" with my GF night before last and my orgasim was UNBELIEVABLE!!!! I thought I was literally going to passout!!! Sorry of that was too graphic but I feel as though you're one of my friends, it that made you uncomfortable please let me know and I won't write anything like that again. I just wanted to illustrate how nice it is to finally feel something without the body & mind fog of opiates. Maybe you'll feel the same with your BF it I can be so bold.
I'm also feeling measurably better (although tiny bit by tiny bit) as the days go by. I leave for my holiday on Tuesday and a LOT will be expected from me on this trip. All of my friends consider me the "life of the party" and they will IMMEDIATLY notice if I don't put my best foot forward. I'm planning on doing NOTHING this weekend other than a light workout each day to rest up for my trip. I'm literally praying that I'll be at least 80%-90% of my normal self by then. Of course I wish I were 100% but I'm a pretty pragmatic guy.
Have you ever wondered if you'd even recognize what "normal" felt like? It's something I've often pondered while on Subs and obviously while going through the WD's. It has been 4 years since I felt normal...I do remember however, that I really, really liked it after I went through sheer hell of WDing from 120MG's of Methadone. If you've ever wondered what Dante's Inferno was all about then Methadone withdrawal will paint a fairly accurate picture. This sucks but it's a stroll in Notting Hill compared to that which is maybe why I'm doing "okay".
BTW: I think you're right that we have a similar sense of humor, I've often literally laughed out loud while reading some of your more comical comments. Who knows Hanna maybe one day we'll meet either here or there and share a pint while we laugh about all of this! I'd like to think that WILL happen one day (-:
Warmest Regards,
-R
Quick break so quick message...I can't stress how happy I am that you're feeling a little better today, I think this is the start of you feeling a little to much better as each day goes by. You are a "touch chick" is we Yanks say it! I don't think I could have stopped myself from taking the Subs if I had them available!
I am a bit worried about stopping the Trams but ie only been on them 12 days and not taking more than 400MG's per day which may sound high but not really with this kind of medication. This is what's helped me with the depression as some Dr.'s in the US are starting to prescribe them for depression. I've tried Zoloft, and a few others but I have a severely bad reaction to those types of antidepressant medications. Some of them aren't supposed to kick in for almost a month but I feel the effects right away and they are aweful. It makes me feel like I took some really bad acid or mushrooms with a little bit of withdrawal symptoms (wanting to crawl out of my skin, irritability, general uncomfortablness, etc.)...weird, I know.
The last thing I want to do however is switch from one addiction to another so I am being extremely careful even though everything I've read says it takes months at high MG's to get addicted to Trams but with my history I'm obviously at a much higher risk than your average Joe or Tommy in your case (-;
On a positive note, I had some "loving" with my GF night before last and my orgasim was UNBELIEVABLE!!!! I thought I was literally going to passout!!! Sorry of that was too graphic but I feel as though you're one of my friends, it that made you uncomfortable please let me know and I won't write anything like that again. I just wanted to illustrate how nice it is to finally feel something without the body & mind fog of opiates. Maybe you'll feel the same with your BF it I can be so bold.
I'm also feeling measurably better (although tiny bit by tiny bit) as the days go by. I leave for my holiday on Tuesday and a LOT will be expected from me on this trip. All of my friends consider me the "life of the party" and they will IMMEDIATLY notice if I don't put my best foot forward. I'm planning on doing NOTHING this weekend other than a light workout each day to rest up for my trip. I'm literally praying that I'll be at least 80%-90% of my normal self by then. Of course I wish I were 100% but I'm a pretty pragmatic guy.
Have you ever wondered if you'd even recognize what "normal" felt like? It's something I've often pondered while on Subs and obviously while going through the WD's. It has been 4 years since I felt normal...I do remember however, that I really, really liked it after I went through sheer hell of WDing from 120MG's of Methadone. If you've ever wondered what Dante's Inferno was all about then Methadone withdrawal will paint a fairly accurate picture. This sucks but it's a stroll in Notting Hill compared to that which is maybe why I'm doing "okay".
BTW: I think you're right that we have a similar sense of humor, I've often literally laughed out loud while reading some of your more comical comments. Who knows Hanna maybe one day we'll meet either here or there and share a pint while we laugh about all of this! I'd like to think that WILL happen one day (-:
Warmest Regards,
-R
Hi Hanna,
If you'd like you can send me a private message and we can trade emails (if you're comfortable with that) and I can actually give you my name. I don't want to do it where everyone can see me cause I don't want any weirdos sending me messages.
Let me know it you'd like to do that, it would be nice to correspond with a new friend across the pond. After all, I've always liked Brits and I feel a kinship with you.
In either case, I hope to hear from you soon and I'm always wishing you well!
Kindly,
-R
If you'd like you can send me a private message and we can trade emails (if you're comfortable with that) and I can actually give you my name. I don't want to do it where everyone can see me cause I don't want any weirdos sending me messages.
Let me know it you'd like to do that, it would be nice to correspond with a new friend across the pond. After all, I've always liked Brits and I feel a kinship with you.
In either case, I hope to hear from you soon and I'm always wishing you well!
Kindly,
-R
Hi Zeek,
Don't worry too much, I did the same thing at the beginning of this process and took around the same amount of Norco 5/325's for about the first 5 days and then stopped (I wanted to but I also ran out which is good). I didn't feel ANY ill effects from stopping, none that I noticed anyway. The key is to stop as soon as you can manage. I'm not a Doc but maybe you can try the Tramodol approach cause it's worked wonders for me and the abuse potential is lowered. It should also alleviate any WD symptoms you "may" experience from the Percs.
Hang in there man, you're doing GREAT and we are only a few days away from starting to feel better. Your brain WILL repair itself it's just a matter of time. And I know, it sucks when each minute feels like hours and when your brain & body are begging for ANY relief. Just tell yourself there's no such thing as Subs, take that option completely off the table.
Thanks for writing Zeek, I know Hanna and I are both looking forward to reading yor next post. Until then remember, this to shall pass!
Best Regards,
-R
Don't worry too much, I did the same thing at the beginning of this process and took around the same amount of Norco 5/325's for about the first 5 days and then stopped (I wanted to but I also ran out which is good). I didn't feel ANY ill effects from stopping, none that I noticed anyway. The key is to stop as soon as you can manage. I'm not a Doc but maybe you can try the Tramodol approach cause it's worked wonders for me and the abuse potential is lowered. It should also alleviate any WD symptoms you "may" experience from the Percs.
Hang in there man, you're doing GREAT and we are only a few days away from starting to feel better. Your brain WILL repair itself it's just a matter of time. And I know, it sucks when each minute feels like hours and when your brain & body are begging for ANY relief. Just tell yourself there's no such thing as Subs, take that option completely off the table.
Thanks for writing Zeek, I know Hanna and I are both looking forward to reading yor next post. Until then remember, this to shall pass!
Best Regards,
-R
Thanks R!
I needed a little pep talk. I think I will look into the Tramadol approach. Every 4-5 hours my body is aching for another perc that's why I was starting to really worry that I replaced sub with percocet. Good news is I only have maybe two days worth left. I'm sure a lot of it is in my head as the anxiety of it all is starting to get the best of me. I have gone cold turkey a few times and I know how bad that can be. This is nothing even close to that so far. Guess i'm just worried how long all this will last, and if I did any help to myself taking the percocet or just made it worse.
Anyhow, thanks again for the reply's. I have been thinking about you and Hanna through this process. I'm not a very religious person but I was shooting out foxhole prayers last night to whoever out there might hear them.
Talk to you guys later.
I needed a little pep talk. I think I will look into the Tramadol approach. Every 4-5 hours my body is aching for another perc that's why I was starting to really worry that I replaced sub with percocet. Good news is I only have maybe two days worth left. I'm sure a lot of it is in my head as the anxiety of it all is starting to get the best of me. I have gone cold turkey a few times and I know how bad that can be. This is nothing even close to that so far. Guess i'm just worried how long all this will last, and if I did any help to myself taking the percocet or just made it worse.
Anyhow, thanks again for the reply's. I have been thinking about you and Hanna through this process. I'm not a very religious person but I was shooting out foxhole prayers last night to whoever out there might hear them.
Talk to you guys later.
Hey R
Yeah, that would be good to send you a private message. How do I do it though? I am on here as a guest and when I tried to register, it kept telling me to enter a password, which I had done, but it kept deleting my password and repeating ‘’you need to put a password stupid!!!” (how rude!)…….I gave up in the end, but I will try again later!
No, I don’t feel at all offended to hear about the great sex you had!! I think that’s amazing! I love to hear about couples who are loved up and happy together!
I have to be honest, me and my partner have really drifted apart. We even sleep in separate rooms now! More to do with me wanting the space, and his snoring! We still have a kiss and cuddle, but very rarely and sex has been non-existent. BUT. Since I have been on this detox I can feel the feelings coming back. I am still a bit wary about sex cos I am so exhausted all the time, but its weird- I feel closer to my partner emotionally again, and been cuddling up to him a lot more. Like I am falling in love with him again. I hope so, because before, I was thinking we aint going to last, and I had even thought about other guys. That’s not what I want. He is amazing and I don’t want to lose him. He literally saved me from a life of drugs, and prostitution (he says it wasn’t him, it was me, but he gave me the strength to break free and realise there was more to life)
Yeah, its going to be weird to be ‘normal’. I don’t remember what its like. I hope its ok! Either way, I cannot see myself going back. I know I was chasing a buzz before, but I need to re-learn how to chase a different type of buzz. Maybe start my own business, or do something more creative with my life….I like my job.. but that’s all it is…a job. I am not challenged by it any more- I could do it in my sleep. I need to get some confidence…everyone laughs when I say I have no confidence, cos I am loud and a bit of a joker. I am the kind of person who chats to everyone, but that’s cos I think I am always looking for approval/ love. I am on a high for a while when I get it, but it dies down after a while and then I feel useless once again…
For example, the hottest guy at work (I’ve drooled over him for years now) told me he fancied me about a month ago (his actual words were ‘I just love you’), and asked me to go for a drink….that was it…I was high as a kite for about a week- I thought I was the best thing in the universe….all cos this guy asked me for a drink…..WTF???? (and I had to tell him I wasn’t single, so he soon lost interest, and no doubt moved onto the next girl)
it’s a pathetic way to be. I know that I need to learn to love myself, and not constantly seek approval from others (often from people who are not even important in my life).
So happy to hear you are feeling better! That’s brilliant. I am feeling a tiny bit better today too. What I have realised on this detox is that progress is slow and there is nothing we can do to speed things up. We just have to have the willpower to keep going, and be proud of each day that we manage to get through eh?
I do hope that you will have improved even more by the time you go on holiday. Just think of it as a chance to take your mind off everything, and pretend in yourself that nothing is wrong (mind over matter and all that).
Right, I am going to send a message to Zeek now cos I can TOTALLY understand what he is going thru…..
Hanna x
Yeah, that would be good to send you a private message. How do I do it though? I am on here as a guest and when I tried to register, it kept telling me to enter a password, which I had done, but it kept deleting my password and repeating ‘’you need to put a password stupid!!!” (how rude!)…….I gave up in the end, but I will try again later!
No, I don’t feel at all offended to hear about the great sex you had!! I think that’s amazing! I love to hear about couples who are loved up and happy together!
I have to be honest, me and my partner have really drifted apart. We even sleep in separate rooms now! More to do with me wanting the space, and his snoring! We still have a kiss and cuddle, but very rarely and sex has been non-existent. BUT. Since I have been on this detox I can feel the feelings coming back. I am still a bit wary about sex cos I am so exhausted all the time, but its weird- I feel closer to my partner emotionally again, and been cuddling up to him a lot more. Like I am falling in love with him again. I hope so, because before, I was thinking we aint going to last, and I had even thought about other guys. That’s not what I want. He is amazing and I don’t want to lose him. He literally saved me from a life of drugs, and prostitution (he says it wasn’t him, it was me, but he gave me the strength to break free and realise there was more to life)
Yeah, its going to be weird to be ‘normal’. I don’t remember what its like. I hope its ok! Either way, I cannot see myself going back. I know I was chasing a buzz before, but I need to re-learn how to chase a different type of buzz. Maybe start my own business, or do something more creative with my life….I like my job.. but that’s all it is…a job. I am not challenged by it any more- I could do it in my sleep. I need to get some confidence…everyone laughs when I say I have no confidence, cos I am loud and a bit of a joker. I am the kind of person who chats to everyone, but that’s cos I think I am always looking for approval/ love. I am on a high for a while when I get it, but it dies down after a while and then I feel useless once again…
For example, the hottest guy at work (I’ve drooled over him for years now) told me he fancied me about a month ago (his actual words were ‘I just love you’), and asked me to go for a drink….that was it…I was high as a kite for about a week- I thought I was the best thing in the universe….all cos this guy asked me for a drink…..WTF???? (and I had to tell him I wasn’t single, so he soon lost interest, and no doubt moved onto the next girl)
it’s a pathetic way to be. I know that I need to learn to love myself, and not constantly seek approval from others (often from people who are not even important in my life).
So happy to hear you are feeling better! That’s brilliant. I am feeling a tiny bit better today too. What I have realised on this detox is that progress is slow and there is nothing we can do to speed things up. We just have to have the willpower to keep going, and be proud of each day that we manage to get through eh?
I do hope that you will have improved even more by the time you go on holiday. Just think of it as a chance to take your mind off everything, and pretend in yourself that nothing is wrong (mind over matter and all that).
Right, I am going to send a message to Zeek now cos I can TOTALLY understand what he is going thru…..
Hanna x
Ok, Zeek. I totally, 100% understand what you are going thru with the depression thing. God, I was at the point where I even said ‘I wish I was dead’ last week… I didn’t mean it…but I felt so hopeless and frustrated and I had an anger come from somewhere that I didn’t understand.
DO NOT feel guilty about going to ER for them pills. Its done now, and they have probably helped you get thru the worst of the withdrawals! Yeah, you may feel something when you come off them, but you will live!
I think everything is exaggerated for you at the moment. That’s how depression gets you…. it makes you feel everything more (and not in a good way).
Hell, I totally broke down and cried at one point last week when I looked down and realised that I had a bit of cat fur on my trousers…to me it was like the world was saying “ha ha ha…look at you. You’re a total and utter junkie mess, and to top it all off, you now have cat fur on your clothes and everyone will laugh at you as soon as you walk out of the door!!! You may as well top yourself now, you pathetic waste of space”….Honestly, I couldn’t see past the next couple of minutes, and I knew for those minutes, I would be in pain, and I would be too weak to do anything. I couldn’t see any way out, and that made me cry….those were the days that I would lie in bed and cry till I had exhausted myself.
Now, I haven’t cried since the day I saw my key worker….that was Tuesday…..I cried when I saw him and the doc, and then I cried when I saw my GP, and then I cried when I listened to Michael Jackson on my MP3 (I was like “I miss him soooooo much” LOL)….that day seems like weeks ago now…..weird, but each day is like a huge achievement….so please be proud every time you make it through 24 hrs..
Try not to hole yourself up in the house as you have been doing. I know you probably feel too weak to go too far, but if you can, try to take a walk, or go sit in the park with a book/ paper…(if the weather is nice)….OR try to put a movie on…or watch repeats of your fave TV show.
Since I began this detox, I have spent more time by myself than ever….I have lay in the park by myself, I have gone to Starbucks by self (their de-caff is ok actually!) and I have walked around by myself. I have a lot to think about (as you can see from my last post to R) and a lot to resolve in my mind.
I need to decide how to move forward in my life and makes things better for the future. Otherwise, in a year’s time I could end up back at square one!
Zeek, please stay strong. It will get better. You know it will get better (its just hard to see it when that dark cloud is hanging over you).
Hanna x
DO NOT feel guilty about going to ER for them pills. Its done now, and they have probably helped you get thru the worst of the withdrawals! Yeah, you may feel something when you come off them, but you will live!
I think everything is exaggerated for you at the moment. That’s how depression gets you…. it makes you feel everything more (and not in a good way).
Hell, I totally broke down and cried at one point last week when I looked down and realised that I had a bit of cat fur on my trousers…to me it was like the world was saying “ha ha ha…look at you. You’re a total and utter junkie mess, and to top it all off, you now have cat fur on your clothes and everyone will laugh at you as soon as you walk out of the door!!! You may as well top yourself now, you pathetic waste of space”….Honestly, I couldn’t see past the next couple of minutes, and I knew for those minutes, I would be in pain, and I would be too weak to do anything. I couldn’t see any way out, and that made me cry….those were the days that I would lie in bed and cry till I had exhausted myself.
Now, I haven’t cried since the day I saw my key worker….that was Tuesday…..I cried when I saw him and the doc, and then I cried when I saw my GP, and then I cried when I listened to Michael Jackson on my MP3 (I was like “I miss him soooooo much” LOL)….that day seems like weeks ago now…..weird, but each day is like a huge achievement….so please be proud every time you make it through 24 hrs..
Try not to hole yourself up in the house as you have been doing. I know you probably feel too weak to go too far, but if you can, try to take a walk, or go sit in the park with a book/ paper…(if the weather is nice)….OR try to put a movie on…or watch repeats of your fave TV show.
Since I began this detox, I have spent more time by myself than ever….I have lay in the park by myself, I have gone to Starbucks by self (their de-caff is ok actually!) and I have walked around by myself. I have a lot to think about (as you can see from my last post to R) and a lot to resolve in my mind.
I need to decide how to move forward in my life and makes things better for the future. Otherwise, in a year’s time I could end up back at square one!
Zeek, please stay strong. It will get better. You know it will get better (its just hard to see it when that dark cloud is hanging over you).
Hanna x
Thanks Hanna! You just picked me up quite a bit. I'm feeling a little better today. I'll write more when I can. Going to try and get out for a bit.
so glad to hear ur feeling better. I am just finishing work now (i usually finish at 5pm, but leaving now at 4 to beat the rush hr on the buses- cant deal with that sh*t now!!!)
chat later. have a good day
chat later. have a good day
Hi guys, hope you both feeling well (ish) when you read this.
Its 6.30am and I got up at 5am to wash my hair for the first time this week. Yeah, I know that sounds bad, but I have really long thick hair and it’s a bit@h to wash, dry, style, etc. This week, I have been wearing it back in a sort of bun, looking like a school teacher, but at least no one could see how dirty it was!!
Anyway, I am finding that the best time for me to do anything is morning, when I have a bit of energy. Afternoons I feel like I am wading thru mud sometimes.
Like I said in my post yesterday, I was feeling slightly better. I hope that continues today as I have a full day at work.
What I am still finding really hard is eating. The lofexidine doesn’t help cos it dries out my mouth, but I just have NO appetite whatsoever. I can’t wait for the day that I get a craving for Burger King or something and actually enjoy eating.
Yesterday, I forced a protein bar down my throat on the way to work, and then loads of juice, but then I couldn’t stomach anything else. I had fruit in front of me, but it just sat there and in the end I threw it away. By the time I got home about 6pm I was so weak cos I hadn’t had anything since morning. I think I am going to have to stock up on some more protein bars/ drinks and have as much of them as possible, cos it aint helping me to starve myself right now!! (Thank god its pay day cos I was about to ask the health food store for credit!)
Stay strong guys- will check in later and let you know how today goes...
Hanna
Its 6.30am and I got up at 5am to wash my hair for the first time this week. Yeah, I know that sounds bad, but I have really long thick hair and it’s a bit@h to wash, dry, style, etc. This week, I have been wearing it back in a sort of bun, looking like a school teacher, but at least no one could see how dirty it was!!
Anyway, I am finding that the best time for me to do anything is morning, when I have a bit of energy. Afternoons I feel like I am wading thru mud sometimes.
Like I said in my post yesterday, I was feeling slightly better. I hope that continues today as I have a full day at work.
What I am still finding really hard is eating. The lofexidine doesn’t help cos it dries out my mouth, but I just have NO appetite whatsoever. I can’t wait for the day that I get a craving for Burger King or something and actually enjoy eating.
Yesterday, I forced a protein bar down my throat on the way to work, and then loads of juice, but then I couldn’t stomach anything else. I had fruit in front of me, but it just sat there and in the end I threw it away. By the time I got home about 6pm I was so weak cos I hadn’t had anything since morning. I think I am going to have to stock up on some more protein bars/ drinks and have as much of them as possible, cos it aint helping me to starve myself right now!! (Thank god its pay day cos I was about to ask the health food store for credit!)
Stay strong guys- will check in later and let you know how today goes...
Hanna
Hello again guys…
I just wanted to say..day 12 and I am feeling good so far (apart from having a bloated belly- annoying)!
Its like the sub has numbed my personality for years…I feel really positive and a bit euphoric….weird. But I aint complaining!!!
I am laughing hysterically at everything my colleague says (she thinks I have gone a bit crazy) and I am calling everyone ''hun" "sweetie" and "babes"
Physically, I am not 100%...still finding the energy thing hard to deal with…but I am feeling positive which is the main thing…I think I can handle 'life' now….although I am prepared to feel bad later (afternoons are the hard bit for me)
Oh, I saw my Doc (from the clinic) on the way to work this morning outside Starbucks…He was telling me that he has 2 other clients who have got clean from subs this week so he is feeling really proud of us all, and he was happy that I seemed ok (last time I saw him I was bawling my eyes out).
Anyone reading this who needs to get clean from sub- IT CAN BE DONE! Its hard. Really hard at times, but you will feel better in the end, and then you can start living again.
xxx
I just wanted to say..day 12 and I am feeling good so far (apart from having a bloated belly- annoying)!
Its like the sub has numbed my personality for years…I feel really positive and a bit euphoric….weird. But I aint complaining!!!
I am laughing hysterically at everything my colleague says (she thinks I have gone a bit crazy) and I am calling everyone ''hun" "sweetie" and "babes"
Physically, I am not 100%...still finding the energy thing hard to deal with…but I am feeling positive which is the main thing…I think I can handle 'life' now….although I am prepared to feel bad later (afternoons are the hard bit for me)
Oh, I saw my Doc (from the clinic) on the way to work this morning outside Starbucks…He was telling me that he has 2 other clients who have got clean from subs this week so he is feeling really proud of us all, and he was happy that I seemed ok (last time I saw him I was bawling my eyes out).
Anyone reading this who needs to get clean from sub- IT CAN BE DONE! Its hard. Really hard at times, but you will feel better in the end, and then you can start living again.
xxx
Hanna,
I am so glad to hear you are feeling better. Mid morning is the best time for me. When I first wake up and I can't believe I'm saying "wake up" because the last two nights I got some sleep! Although, I did use quite a bit of beer to help with that last night. But when I first wake up my back is hurting. I need to take some Motrin and rub some of that smelly tiger balm stuff on it and watch the TV for a bit before I can start moving. I do miss coffee, but am way too afraid to caffeine will make me anxious.
I am finding that the sub has numbed my personality as well. After five of years being on it I thought how I was feeling was normal. I mean it was certainly better than where I was before the sub. Before the sub everyday was a gamble. People don't need to be on sub for long periods and I would recommend against it. Although, for me if I just used it to detox opiates I probably would have relapsed shortly thereafter.
Anyway what I was saying is I am starting to feel all kinds of emotions. I don't have much control of them yet. But I know that will get better.
It's day 11 for me and I am feeling better. I have hope that I will be just getting a little better each day. I stopped the Percocet yesterday and feel very good about that. I ran out, but am very glad I did. I was able to obtain Tramadol in case I need that.
I really am glad to hear how well you are doing Hanna. But please do find something you can eat. Your body needs it to continue healing. I have also found it very hard to eat but keep trying to put whatever I can down.
Always thinking of you and R