I am there with you. Me and my ex-fiancee grew up together. We've known each other since second grade, and I fell in love with him during high school. He had dated another girl in high school, but she broke up with him. Later, we moved out together as friends while attending college. I told him my feelings and he accepted them. It made me so happy that I finally had the guy I wanted since my freshman year of high school. We dated for three years, and then he proposed to me. We had been engaged for four months when he sat me down and wanted to break up because he was feeling "more gay". He wasn't sure if he was bisexual or fully gay. What could I say or even do? I can't force him to be with me. So I had to let go. He comes from a family who do not tolerate gay people very well, especially in their own family. So a week after he broke up with me, he came to me and asked to get back together. I firmly told him that he broke my heart and hurt me and that he needed to be sure that I was the one for him. I told him he couldn't have second thoughts. He had to be sure. He said that everyone had been telling him to do what makes him happy, and I was the one who made him the happiest in the world. My heart just filled with joy and happiness upon hearing him say he loved me so much. But, unfortunately, my happiness didn't last. A little over one month ago, he sat me down again and wanted to break up. He felt gay. I couldn't believe it was happening. AGAIN. My heart, which had still been healing from the last time, was ripped to shreds once more. We still live together in the same house with two other roommates. I've never felt more depressed in my whole life. I've lost weight, I have cried every single day, I have had thoughts of suicide. He was my true love. The hard part about this, is that I have no control over anything that happens. He has never been with any other guys, but he did have a sexual encounter with another man, which prompted him to break up with me. The thing is, we could have worked things out if he still believed himself to be bisexual, but now that he thinks he's gay, I have to let him experiment and figure himself out. I still love him. I always will. He's been my best friend for sixteen years, and nothing will ever change that. My younger sister has been helping me get through this. She told me she believes my ex is a very fluid person when it comes to sexuality, but since he's never had the chance to be gay, he doesn't know what he wants right now. She told me I shouldn't wait for him, though. She said focusing on myself will ultimately make me happier. My problem is that I am still in love with him, and I can't help it. My feelings are deeply rooted to him, and I can't just let them go. So, Sick58174, I feel your pain. I don't want to give up on my feelings, either. My ex also told me he still loves me, too. I know you wrote your post over a year ago, but I hope you're doing okay. I honestly hope everything works out for you. Right now, I am trying to just distract myself with hobbies and such. My break up happened only a month ago, so my re-opened wounds are still pretty fresh. However, I understand how painful it is to lose someone you deeply love like that. He is, or maybe was, always on your mind, huh? My ex is always on my mind. I truly want him to find happiness, and honestly, I just want him to figure out his feelings. Maybe someday we can renew our relationship, but until then, I will always be there for him. That's all I can do.
I'm currently going through the EXACT same thing right now.
My ex of 2 1/2 years broke up with me in October, and refused to give me a reason. He said it was because he couldn't see a future with me but no explanation as to why. It crushed me and we didn't talk for a month and a half. He got back in touch. At this point I felt strong enough to ignore his messages, think it through. But he was persistent and told me he missed me. We met and he explained the real reason why we broke up was because he thought he could be gay. But he went and slept with a man a few times, and it didn't feel right. He said it wasn't what he'd imagined, that he missed me and realised he'd made a huge mistake. That he did see a future with me.
I could copy and paste some of the things you have written. Like you, I told him that he had to be SURE. I didn't believe him right away - I suggested that maybe it was the wrong guy, that he didn't give it enough time. If he was sure it wasn't just me etcetc. He was adamant. Obviously a bit bi curious, but he wanted me. Still loved me.
So after a few weeks of unsure talking and meeting, I took him back, on the condition that things would change and he was going to treat me right like he had never done before... then, shortly after near Christmas, he hit a depression.
Depression wasn't unusual for him but this seemed like more than what we were used to. He separated himself from me and started to question all his actions with friends, family, work, where he was living, who he was living with. Because of his state of mine I pretty much through the whole 'winning me back' out of the window, I wanted to support and help, and the whole thing made me love him more because I cared. But all the while I felt like eventually he might question me. He however was STILL adamant I was what he wanted and that I made him happy. So we continued.
on Dec 27th I convinced him to get help from the doctor, something he hadn't done before. He got himself on anti depressants and was seemingly more confident now that he had gotten support.
Then a month later, he invited me to his parents house to look after the dog with him while they were away. The night seemed very normal, no signs of what was to come. Then we woke up Sunday morning, he made us a cup of tea then he went on to explain that he had confided in his housemate about what has been happening to him recently. I was supportive and told him well done, he struggles to confide in other people. Then he mentioned that he told him about his experience with a man, and that telling him, 'coming out' if you will, felt really right. My heart dropped. He told me that for the time being, he was going to say that he was gay. That he needed to explore his instinct and life through a homosexual lens. That he hadn't felt so comfortable in a long time.
As you can imagine, I was confused as hell. He had dumped me for this before. He has slept with a man and come to a conclusion. How could this have changed? Why did he come back if he'd already made that leap. He told me he had freaked out, and was lying to himself. He told me he still loved me and cared for me, but maybe not in the same way as I did for him. That he had to follow his head over his heart.
The next week I'm not proud of. I bombarded him with questions, any anxiety that popped into my head. I thought I was going crazy - was our whole relationship based on a lie? He reassured me at every question until a week later he'd had enough. He came back with that he loved me but he couldn't truly love someone who puts his happiness over their own and can't find happiness anywhere else (this was a topic earlier on in the week.) That I should delete his number and remember how horrible he's been to me, that I shouldn't want to be friends.
This devastated me - I asked him constantly if it was okay for me to ask these questions and confide in him and he said yes. I spent a week beating myself up, telling myself that because of something I had said when I was emotionally vulnerable (that I struggle to find happiness within myself) he had realised I wouldn't be right anyway; that I'm damaged goods. Now I'm terrified to message in case he blocks me or tells me to f**k off again, but I really miss him. Not even totally in a relationship kinda way, he sorta screwed that up royally, but just having him in my life. I don't feel like I have closure over the whole situation with the way our conversation ended.
I have stronger times and weaker times, but I just miss him. I'm sad. The idea of him going off and having sex with men upsets me, but then again the thought of him not being really gay and finding another woman upsets me even more, it tells me he really didn't see a future with me.
I don't know what to believe or to think, but I know I can't ask him anymore. I just need some advice... anyone tell me how I can recover from this? How I can just not care and be happy and move on? I feel a but traumatised from being mucked about to much and believing that he wanted to hold on and give it another go as much as I did.
Any advice would be very much appreciated :(
Jenna
Wow, we're going through the EXACT same thing.
I broke up with my bf after a year relationship on January. I was madly in love with him when I did it and I still am.
Why I broke up with him, you may ask? Because I got fed up of the whole situation.
We've been best friends before dating. We've known each other for a looong time, knew everything about the other, were each other's shoulder to cry.
Until he told me he felt he had some feelings towards men. But that "he still loved me".
Then the gay porn, the questioning his sexuality, his sudden lack of affection and constant coldness (and started treating me like if I was a burden)...Too f*****g much for me, and I broke up with him, even when I loved him to death.
We haven't spoken since even though the split was amicable. He blocked me from FB, and whenever I bump into him he avoids me.
What hurts the most here is the fact that he gave up the friendship. He ditched me out of his life, and that kills me.
Buuuut, at the same time, I sort of stopped regretting breaking up with him.
Girls, no matter how much you love your gay/bi boyfriends (and I know you really really do) you HAVE to let them go. A gay man will give you everything but happiness. He's not for you. He's not designed for you. His brain is not wired for that.
Do you really want a man who can't value the %100 of you? A man who has to IMAGINE YOU'RE A MAN in order to orgasm?? A man who has to force himself to be who he's not, and will end up depressed because of that?
I don't think so.
Women, you deserve a man who lusts for you, who WANTS you, who thinks you're the freaking best woman out there. Who dreams about you. Who'll do anything to see you happy. Who WANTS to have sex with you. Nothing less than that.
You deserve more than a gay man. You CAN do better. You can't "help" or "save" these men. It was really hard for me to understand it, but you will. Time and distance are giving me some perspective.
hey, i am currently in the exact same position as you and would really love to chat to you and get some advice are you there?