Hi All,
My husband and I began going to marriage counselling for a separate issue (our crazy families) last year, but over time, in my individual sessions I revealed this issue with my nipples. It has been a problem for me since I was about 8 years old. That's the earliest I can recall having that sick feeling when something rubbed against them.
Sorry to let you all know this, but I found out that we have all been touched inappropriately - someone was touching or touched/licked/sucked on our nipples most likely as infants or during the pre-verbal age range. We don't remember the incident, but our bodies do. I've just learned that the is described as a "body memory". That nausea, anger, depression that we feel when anything or anyone touches us there is the exact same feeling we would have experienced when it was happening to us as infants. I have no clue who did this to me, but it has been really difficult for me to accept. I just want to be normal. I have no issues with sex, just my nipples.
My husband and I don't have children yet, and my goal is to be able to breast feed without having this disgusting feeling. I don't know how this is going to be possible because I cannot even go bra-less. Since I can remember, I have always had to wear a camisole, and then when I began to develop, I had to always wear a sports bra or something under my clothing to keep my nipples from rubbing against the fabric of my blouses. I used to use Band-Aids to prevent rubbing. When anything touches them, I feel like killing someone and breaking down in tears...I feel sick to my stomach. When my husband touches them, I feel panicked inside, but I usually get past it and then it becomes pleasurable...but not always. Sometimes I want to punch him, but he will not touch them if I ask him not to.
Thanks for the candor in many of your posts. I thought I might add a partner's perspective. Most men are sexually attracted to breasts, and the attraction is not related to infantile feelings. It has to do with sexual identity and finding an appropriate sexual partner. Touching creates a feeling of warmth, tenderness, and connection, which at least for me is a precondition to sexual arousal. Most often it isn't even sexual, such as when snuggling up to go to sleep at night.
For some reason my wife let me touch her breasts when we were dating, but as soon as we got married she mysteriously, to me, started responding negatively to it. I thought it was because she didn't like me, or didn't like sex, so every time she pushed my hand away, I felt it as rejection or disdain. Trying not to touch her breasts meant trying to kill the attraction for them that I felt, which also felt like trying not to love her, which set up a terrible approach, avoidance conflict, with a lot of guilt and shame for me. It has been very difficult, but finally after about 35 years of constantly trying to suppress my feelings and failing, I guess the constant practice is beginning to take effect. And I think my self esteem is finally winning out, so even against my deeper wishes, I am no longer attracted to my wife sexually. The last time we made love, I was simply accommodating her. I had so little sexual attraction that I had a hard time maintaining an erection and I didn't even bother to try to come. In fact, anything that makes me attracted to her is accompanied by such psychological conflict and pain, that I can't even sleep with her any more. Thankfully the kids have moved out of the second bedroom.
I have asked her many times to go with me to counseling. She refuses, leaving me no real options except to withdraw. So right now I am trying to figure out what that "withdrawal" will look like. Do we live together in some Platonic relationship? The Internet with a little imagination helps, but it is a VERY poor substitute for a real relationship. Do l go get a mistress? How would you even start? Do we get divorced? We have 35 years of life together, and a marriage is more than sex. I hate to walk away from all of that. There seem to be no good options.
It's interesting reading your description as I have lived something quite similar for the past 48 years. With 50 coming up she keeps bugging me about renewing our vows which I have no intention of doing. First it was a lifetime commitment so what part of "lifetime" do you not understand? Second, had I known it was be like this I wouldn't have done it the first time. Of course that last part I never say because what purpose would it serve except to hurt her?
Like you, everything seemed normal before we married. She touched me, I touched her, she acted as though she liked it and I believed it.
When I first started dating at 16 I was the victim of believing my mother when she emphasized I should not touch a girl "there" or "there" so I quickly lost my first potential girlfriend. We went to a drive-in movie where she kept moving my hand down "there" and hearing my mother's voice in my head, I kept removing it. She found another boy for the summer and I spent the summer building dragsters. The next time I found a girl to go out with me I decided not to listen to my mother's voice and things went much better and with all the girls there after. I learned that when I slid my hand toward the cherished spot they all responded by making it more easily accessible.
So I had no reason to think it would change after we married. Boy was I wrong. She doesn't refuse but she doesn't make any welcoming gestures as my hand approaches, like spreading her legs (I have to pry my way in), or moving the arm that is folded over her breasts. She always comes to bed wrapped in a cocoon that I have to fight my way into if I get turned on enough to bother.
When just sleeping I always thought it would be nice to hold each other as in having my arm around her with maybe my hand cupping a breast or her puxxy but that involves a lot of prying that hardly seems worth it. I'm not trying to fondle her for my pleasure but because I thought it would be enjoyable for her. I know I would love to go to sleep with her holding me that way, but she won't of course. In fact she never did want to touch me even during sex.
Maybe I thought marriage was supposed to be a lot more than it really is. Guys don't exactly sit around the coffee shop discussing what they did with the wife last night but somehow I can't escape the feeling that some of them are having a much better experience that I am.
I feel the same way but I do not know why it happen it is difficult.
I hate touching my nipples, and they're always sore. I've had this for years (I'm 25 now) and it's just the worst sensation ever :( I really don't know what to do, it's making my life very uncomfortable :(
How many of you guys are on birth control? I have the same problem too but I cant remember if I felt that way before I started BC.
Audrey, I've been reading all of these posts and wondered the same thing. I wondered the same thing because when I met my wife, we enjoyed sex with condoms and she was not on BC. We both had a good sex drive, but after going on BC, her sex drive changed. I noticed that there was really only one time a month that she was really INTO sex. We've always had sex other times during the month, but it was mostly like it was a chore. So much of what some of the men say here ring true for me - wanting to touch my wife and feeling like I'm bothering her is such a depressing feeling - I feel helpless as I feel that it doesn't have to be that way. I love her with all my heart, but life is short and this is not how I thought it would be. On the other hand, when I read about women describing how they feel to have their breasts touched (paing, feeling disgusted, etc.) I wonder if my wife feels that way and hate that I might make her feel that way. So... through all of this, I wonder if this is another side affect of BC. I eventually got the snip-snip and my wife has been off BC for a little while now. It has gotten a little better, but I understand that sometimes the libido never gets back to normal. I have to say, I really enjoyed the one guy's comment about his wife coming to be like she was wrapped in a cocoon! :)
I'm not sure what you find so selfish about this guy's post. I know exactly how he feels. I feel the same way, but I wouldn't rape someone because of it. He's simply saying that you should talk about it with your spouse. There's nothing wrong with that. There are two sides to feelings between partners. You seem really bitter about it and seem to only have one perspective. I don't think it's easy for either side, but why the anger - try a little understanding.
Okay so there are a bunch of reasons, there are parts which pertain to any part of the body for any given individual - sound as a self image problem, or maybe it's ticklish and that puts you off, sexual abuse etc.As for things regarding nipples alone, I think... okay basically the breasts are there to nurture our young, yes we are the only primates who have swollen breasts when we don't lactate, but you have to take into consideration natural selection - the swelliing of the breast makes for a better protected mammary gland and a better chance of being able to feed young (if they couldn't, the baby would probably die), and also is a sign of being fertile (of age) and a larger breasted primate would have been less likely to be prepubescent or barely pubescent (in which case the chances of birthing and not dying were slimmer) so naturally those that were drawn to larger breasts would survive to pass on their gene more often than the others. But no matter what they are not there for sexual purposes, they are there to look after a little loved child.If your body and mind sees it more as a tool for a baby than it does a tool for sex, it's not going to be much of a turn on to have them sexualised. It's the same as your husband asking to roleplay a familial scene if you weren't into that, or, well, imagine having sex with a member of your family. Assuming that's not your thing you feel this kind of aversion to the though, instant flacid, right? Well that's the same feeling these women are feeling because they're having their breasts treated in a way their mind does not like.Mostly this boils down to a hormonal thing usually, your body releases hormones like oxytocin when your nipples are suckled, this is a nurturing, comforting hormone, if that is activated with something sexual it could make you feel dirty and wrong and hate it in a sexual setting. It could also creating a beautiful intimate bonding experience. It could make your body ready for the loving bundle in your arms only to find them empty. The hormone alone could just make you sad - maybe those of you who feel sad when this happens could be more predisposed to postnatal depression? Just a theory. People's minds react differently to hormones. It really just is your make - up.I again reiterate that breasts are not made for sexual attraction. They are made for babies, and there's nothing "wrong" with any of these women who experience displeasure and sadness when their nipples are stimulated. You're just different ladies, that doesn't mean wrong.And yes they can be super sensistive and tickly and tingly but that is again not for sex, it's there to make the process of breast feeding feeling better, especially since it can be quite uncomfortable. It's also there to make the nipple more sensitive to touch so it can erect for a child when need be.
I have this problem too! I hate having my nipples touched. There are times when they are aroused when it's cold and I hit them so that they will be flat. I absolutely without a doubt HATE my nipples being hard. Some days I just wish they would either fall off or I could have some good numbing sh*t and cut them off. I have no use for them. I personally think they are a waste of space on the body and that women would look better without them, because they are just useless and in the way.
Oh my gosh, thank you, thank you! I am the same way, it is a very, strange and awkward, uneasy feeling -- almost like an overwhelming rush of terrible emotions/sensations that are too profound and too many to decipher, so the feeling just sits in your stomach and makes your consciousness feel unlike your own? Am I making sense? I'm so glad I'm not the only one that feels uncomfortable. Thank you internet!
I agree. While some women really do enjoy it, just as many do not. Because of the sexualization of women and their bodies in the media I think that woman are taught young that they have to like it or they're not normal, when in fact so many women just bear it because their husbands or boyfriends want them to.