Hi hon: Did you go to the doctors?!!!!! You have to realize something and I want you to respond out loud to these questions OK?
1. Did your dad hit your mom?
2. Were you EVER told by ANYONE that you were worthless?
3. Has HE ever hit you?
4. Has HE ever said OR made you feel worthless?
5. Have you always been told too our felt like you HAVE to keep secrets?
6. Do you feel like you deserve what you have been put through?
7. Do you feel and NEED to feel loved and valued?
8. Is it time for you to reach out and get what you want and feel what you need?
I have a feeling that ALL of these above questions have been answered with a yes!!!! So IF I am right Katy you HAVE to follow that last question and GO and get what you need, to feel the way you want to feel. There isn't ANYONE else right now, not even the kids, this is ALL about you! And what you NEED to survive. You have already set the ground works for your children to NEVER feel the way you have and are! So it's time to be SELFISH! It's time for you to be the MOST SELFISH COW on the face of the planet. You HAVE to do this so you CAN get number 8.
I know you are doing the messages as a release, and sometimes I feel like I am reading yoru diary and shouldn't be giving you my 2 cents. But when I read it I KNOW you! When I read it I AM THERE, When I read it YOU ARE WHAT I WAS!!! And I desperately want you to become what I became - a STRONG woman, who would kill and die for her children, and will NOT be stepped on any longer. And the ONLY way I did it Katy was standing up for myself and getting help, and DEMANDING more from everyone around me! So all I can and will keep on saying is GET HELP! Reach out for a hand to hold yours, a shoulder to cry on, an arm to wrap around your shoulders, and a pair of legs - to help you walk when you knees tremble.
1. Did your dad hit your mom?
2. Were you EVER told by ANYONE that you were worthless?
3. Has HE ever hit you?
4. Has HE ever said OR made you feel worthless?
5. Have you always been told too our felt like you HAVE to keep secrets?
6. Do you feel like you deserve what you have been put through?
7. Do you feel and NEED to feel loved and valued?
8. Is it time for you to reach out and get what you want and feel what you need?
I have a feeling that ALL of these above questions have been answered with a yes!!!! So IF I am right Katy you HAVE to follow that last question and GO and get what you need, to feel the way you want to feel. There isn't ANYONE else right now, not even the kids, this is ALL about you! And what you NEED to survive. You have already set the ground works for your children to NEVER feel the way you have and are! So it's time to be SELFISH! It's time for you to be the MOST SELFISH COW on the face of the planet. You HAVE to do this so you CAN get number 8.
I know you are doing the messages as a release, and sometimes I feel like I am reading yoru diary and shouldn't be giving you my 2 cents. But when I read it I KNOW you! When I read it I AM THERE, When I read it YOU ARE WHAT I WAS!!! And I desperately want you to become what I became - a STRONG woman, who would kill and die for her children, and will NOT be stepped on any longer. And the ONLY way I did it Katy was standing up for myself and getting help, and DEMANDING more from everyone around me! So all I can and will keep on saying is GET HELP! Reach out for a hand to hold yours, a shoulder to cry on, an arm to wrap around your shoulders, and a pair of legs - to help you walk when you knees tremble.
I just wanted to say bravo to bambi27 for being such a great support between the two of you. Daftydil you are really lucky to have found someone who is interested in your well being. I see you guys posts and I am so touched. Daftydil, I hope that you will continue to feel supported here. I also hope that things will balance out for you. I know that they will. I wish you the best of everything. Be positive...:-)
Bambi27 is a TRUE star dsdesk!!!!! Though I am starting to realise that i am really sensitive...and selctive ...when I read that post the ""I wouldnt give 2 cents bit stuck""'Ouch!!! Let me finish....so I went away...re read it and saw the light It read more...YOU WILL GET OVER THIS DOLL"the next time aroundThanks bambi :D
Just rang dad-bnot had the courage to before. But he was great, and cant understand %$%$%$%$ behaviour!!!! hes going on hols and then going in for a foot op mid june( so thats worying for me!) but ok..
I got a bit upset with partner today. How can i explain it? Its difficult ...but this is how I see it..Hes done things to me in the past ( that in my head are unforgiveable) ok, but then he continues to act like nothing has happened...I used to think he did this for the childrens sake :? Bu uf he did it for the childrens sake he would not shout"YOUR delusional"...like he just did. I asked himim to" pls pls...could he not go to his dads...I cant handle him being arond me, near me or touching my things i cant handle It!" He said...again that I was "delusional and why caouldnt I go to my mums" erm this a repeat of the arguments that we had many yrs ago....My point though,,,,,is his dad lives around the corneer.. my mum ok 40 miles down the road( not so far) but whats easier a 5 minute walk or a 40 mile expensive and painful bus journey...and how would I get my children to scholl? Hmmmm, and callin gme delusional when he knows I cant go outside was a bit raw....Can I write it I want to write it here, I want to scream the Duck word out but it begins with an F.
Bambi "Yes, yes , yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes". Oh and Yes, I wen to the doctors...and he didnt seem to give me the impression it was an inner ear thing( lke you said) ...I was thinking about crwaling back thogh ( once Id left ) as I got stuck on a bush round the corner...really dont know what that is..I might put my daughters roller skates on see, if that helps. So up and down...One minute TOTASL relief the next minute TOTAL DESPAIR AND AN URGE TO VOMIT.......Ok...going to play....Bambi you are an angel, and I know as I waffle here, tthat maybe I seem a little ungrateful to you, and may make you feel helpless. The truth is YOU ARE MY INSPIRATION....I want to be where you are, thank you and take care, katy
Just rang dad-bnot had the courage to before. But he was great, and cant understand %$%$%$%$ behaviour!!!! hes going on hols and then going in for a foot op mid june( so thats worying for me!) but ok..
I got a bit upset with partner today. How can i explain it? Its difficult ...but this is how I see it..Hes done things to me in the past ( that in my head are unforgiveable) ok, but then he continues to act like nothing has happened...I used to think he did this for the childrens sake :? Bu uf he did it for the childrens sake he would not shout"YOUR delusional"...like he just did. I asked himim to" pls pls...could he not go to his dads...I cant handle him being arond me, near me or touching my things i cant handle It!" He said...again that I was "delusional and why caouldnt I go to my mums" erm this a repeat of the arguments that we had many yrs ago....My point though,,,,,is his dad lives around the corneer.. my mum ok 40 miles down the road( not so far) but whats easier a 5 minute walk or a 40 mile expensive and painful bus journey...and how would I get my children to scholl? Hmmmm, and callin gme delusional when he knows I cant go outside was a bit raw....Can I write it I want to write it here, I want to scream the Duck word out but it begins with an F.
Bambi "Yes, yes , yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes". Oh and Yes, I wen to the doctors...and he didnt seem to give me the impression it was an inner ear thing( lke you said) ...I was thinking about crwaling back thogh ( once Id left ) as I got stuck on a bush round the corner...really dont know what that is..I might put my daughters roller skates on see, if that helps. So up and down...One minute TOTASL relief the next minute TOTAL DESPAIR AND AN URGE TO VOMIT.......Ok...going to play....Bambi you are an angel, and I know as I waffle here, tthat maybe I seem a little ungrateful to you, and may make you feel helpless. The truth is YOU ARE MY INSPIRATION....I want to be where you are, thank you and take care, katy
That makes me feel really lonely and heightens my realisation that we are truly really alon ein the world.
I cant help but htink that my GP has taken bloods to pin me down...if my liver comes back damaged I am in a total trap....and I am terrified that all men are ranking together to allow him my children....I cant help but thin k this and I am thinking I dont care what damage Ive done...to ME..I ll just not go I cant go..I am scared ...I dont know who to trust...Iafter what he has just told me...I dont know what to do...every word that comes out of his mouth muddles my already confused head...I couldnt walk again outside, sat on the steps and cried..Neighbour stated how I was choked with the cold...joked "I hope its not swinre flu!!!""
While I konw that each and everyone of us deserves help to live an everydyay life...I cant help bu think they are all conspiring against me. All of them.....I am scared. I hope that actually no ne read these ...that knows me...because its giong to make my case look worse. i am going to try and abstain NOW from coming here. i am so paranoid at the moment..Do you think that the professionals would do this masocists vs feminists battle.?.Please tell me that irrational thought and I am being very silly.
I cant help but htink that my GP has taken bloods to pin me down...if my liver comes back damaged I am in a total trap....and I am terrified that all men are ranking together to allow him my children....I cant help but thin k this and I am thinking I dont care what damage Ive done...to ME..I ll just not go I cant go..I am scared ...I dont know who to trust...Iafter what he has just told me...I dont know what to do...every word that comes out of his mouth muddles my already confused head...I couldnt walk again outside, sat on the steps and cried..Neighbour stated how I was choked with the cold...joked "I hope its not swinre flu!!!""
While I konw that each and everyone of us deserves help to live an everydyay life...I cant help bu think they are all conspiring against me. All of them.....I am scared. I hope that actually no ne read these ...that knows me...because its giong to make my case look worse. i am going to try and abstain NOW from coming here. i am so paranoid at the moment..Do you think that the professionals would do this masocists vs feminists battle.?.Please tell me that irrational thought and I am being very silly.
Thats just silly...right...the gals -theyve gone to grannys...watch a nice film,,,,do some wahsing...maybe evn an ironing...Just start acting like hes not here...stay calm...show everyone ...you can do this...and its no big deal..its no big deal...people split up everyday, everyday, people are born and everyday people die...its not a big deal.It slife...start living gal start living..Dont let words get you down...they can be a strong device for manipulation and for people to get their own means...fair doos...thats all it is. Trust people that care.SWITCH off from him...I never wanted this...but just dont let every word eat you just dont. Be strong be brave Katy ..do for yourself, do it for those you care about dont give up dont.
Could this be whats causing all my problems. I do have eye stigmatisms- they vary and I am not allowed to wear contacts due to my wobbily eyes-maybe stress has just made it worse and the rest..Maybe I am not so mad.
I guess that you didn't tell the doctor about EVERYTHING??? :'( That's all I can tell you Katy! You are NOT alone, you are NOT being picked on by MEN! Your Doctor will do what is best for YOU!! He too will not give a flying fig about your partner after he hears everything about him. Men are people with feelings, there are angels and there are pigs, just as the same for women! It doesn't matter their age, stature, income, color, size etc. A pig is a pig, and a humane caring person is just that. Doctors don't get into their profession to be pigs! They MIGHT be at home, but they aren't in their practice. You should have gone right back into there when you had your collapse outside, he NEEDS to see you like this. He NEEDS to hear your story, You are in a panic state, you brain is running a mile a minute. And it just wants a break. Your brain is taking the next step here Katy it is NOW making you paranoid! No one will have a clue that this is you! No ONE is conspiring against you. You HAVE to know that hon, you HAVE to fight this brain and show it you are stronger. YOU NEED HELP NOW hon! PLEASE PLEASE Get the doctor on the phone and tell him everything.
I got fed up and tried to go for a walk...It was a nightmare. Im getting worse as time is progressing..I wish it would just go away...I even talk to mysel now...this is totally irrational behaviour ( you mad numpty) and then get worse...then more panic!!!! I watched a horror film-I didnt even find it scary , so how i am like this??????
So much for not coming here... I guess you are the only perso who knows whats going on in my head..I know this sounds mad, but cant get rid of this gunked feeling around my nose, and cant stop thinking about the mot infestation we had a few weeks agao and cant help bu think that, thta has something to do with all of this..Okkkkkkkkayyyy , Ive finally gone loooooopey...The truth is Bambi /considering I once had a very healthy minsd ( erm???)I am embarassed about the way I am...I dont know if I told he doctor everything or not..probably didnt as I was tooo ( why am I here.?..and things were flying through my head..im here cause I cant function) ...and I do this thing...like..( whats he doing that for..? whats that???oh oh what next? thing.....and why ? why did he want to test my liver ( doh!_ and then I dont knkow what I said . I never do..I just walk away thinking...ah I must be okay..I can go home :$ 8-| Its a bit like after I ve been to the dentist...yeah whats the first thing I do ( Guess....but BIG bag of chocolate!!!!!I think I love being bad Its what makes me the way I amIts my reward ./punishment strategy...Like finish studying -go watch a movie...finish essay go drink a bottle of wine...Clean house do blah blah blh and I have to reward myself but its always something thats bad for me, ie sweetsm, alcohol, horrors, or something I cant afford.( I dont hink thats good either I need more self respect and at least I know that! Hope your good bambi Youve been a real true friend to me and I have so neede you around..Thank you and pls take a chque from me,,,,,let me get paid first....and some flowers , some choccolates and here have some wine!!!!Now I cant find my beconase spray and I am bluh cant brethe!!!!
If I am truning left I am okay, my balnce is okay.If i turn right I go wobbily. Im sure theres something not right going onin there..Maybe a moth is eating my insides..or blocked a tube XD
Apart fom him being in this flat...something is really bothering me other thanpanic attacks, and my thoughts.....This is the thing-im not quite sure what I missed out when I spoke to my doctor...It will be the big thing...erm well...I can type till I turn purple but cant talk to others about it..Makes it more REAL.
not feeling good-going to rin beathing space people and see what hey have to say!
Hi hon: That's why they invented diaries ;-) XD Because if you said what you wanted to say, you can't handle the reactions. Does your doctor have a computer or an email address? If he does I want you too do something, I want you to copy ALL of the messages OR give him the info to check out our "chats" You don't have to say a word too him really, you can email him and say "Doctor I have been too afraid too tell you everything that I have been going through and feel, so this is what has been going on lately, and I truly hope you can help me, because I DO need help PLEASE" If you don't want to do it yourself, just copy my above statement and then send it out too him, and give him your name - Daftydil and then how to find our chats, OR give him my ID and have him check out just our conversations. This WILL help everything, and set wheels in motion, This could be it Katy, it could be the answer to everything, and get you on the road to feeling like your old self. And there is NO WAY you should be "Embarrassed" about you being in need of help. We ALL need help from time to time and NOW is your time. Good luck hon!
bambi-Im going to bed now,just off the phone-and it helped but icant stop shking!!! I do notknow how to contact my docotr an dI hope a good nights sleep willhlep me by..so shaky -cantbeliev I just said all-exhausted! Imay hold tight -if Ican,Illtry my best!Nigh night bambi-you are a great friend!
I am up and managed a big breakfast...but cant handle him..I cant handle this...And thinking about how my mm has reacted. I feel really very badly hurt by her, and canth elp feel really annoyed with her..I think about all the times Ive helped her, or kept my gob shut -because I knew she was feeling bad..Now, I think why?? Why did i you not just shout it at her-tell her what you think of her behviour,about how he hurt me whne I was little when sshe was seperating with my own father and sh used me as a go between bewtween my father and her ex lover .Mum had an affair and I met te horrible yuck man guy ..I dissliked him straightaway, i remeber thinking the only reason you married your wife is as shes in a wheelchair ( Yet she knew about his prcattices) thats horrible!!!! I saw that straight away..Mum still sends this guy postcard from holidays and emails and text messages .Even when she was ill she got get well soon cards form this guy..I dont like that not one bit.
For me to request het to as I put it "Back off" as hwer opinion is more hurtful. the fact she knew things were going on for years..the ridiculous request when she saw me on Friday cracking up"You mean its too late to go to relats?????" o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O WHAT?????? No mum I like spending time with people that manipulate , turn mum on his side, trying to turn all the support iI have on him...Do you know when I started my kicking him out mission i felt reallly guilty and troubled by how he would feel or how he would behavve or what I am doing to him??? Now, now I cant care...an dI have to remeber what he ahas done so that I can keep going....not to go back to the times when we used to dance to music ...oh you dont want to know about that ..but I do sometimes go back to reassure yself that my children DID come form some sort or romantic love ,,,,and to convince myself he has not just USED me to make a BOY.
The worst thing about it is.its his words against mine and even though I am no angle, even though I too canbe a horrible nasty b***h, even though I have doen some silly things in this relationship , hes still a far better, fr more intelligent manipulator. I am too slow , get wound up about things , worry about everything all the time...Hes Mr laid back so when things need sped up he is on the ball.
Now I feel awful...oh I forgot..i asked the woman at breathing space, welll actually she asked me if I wanted the flat put under surveilance for 24 hrs.......Think I said "Yes" thats goin gto make me more paranoid
This is the thing..I know I have an isssue with wine..so does my sister and soanyway,,,I know you cant blame another sole for pouring it down my neck Iknow that I know I cant blame my events from the past , I know that to, and I know that, whenever my comes over she triggers me of onone..I need to get drunk ..or I want a stiff drink..Thats another thing though...because its wine ..i often think acht its only wine ...could be worse could be vodka/whisky/gin.
Before my drinking got out of hand, was before my sister moved in with us for a year..I used to beg that shed stay at a friends so that I could live to see another day..i was better then...Ie , i paniced that if I were to have one more glass of wine I was sure Id die...I liked my nights off and then nights with her partying it up and having her support around...I guess thats where it all started I used to get angry with my sister though, for not tidying up after herself, Also Id get annoyed with my ex as my sister would be the only person hed talk to and he used to stare at her in an odd way...and she never helped as she used to where her night dress or pyjamas and things would be infull viosion...Hmmdont know if you understand,,,thats when I started to have doubts...But,
Myssiter started to change , when she cooked hima meal.....shed spent ages,,,shes really fussy about food...weighs around 6 stone, and spends ages cooking for people and she sips he rwine and listens to music while shes oing it( she always manages to make a realy relaxing atmosphere)...ANYWAY, she cooked this meal and she sliced the peppers long ways..I knew this would not go down well. She spent ages preparing...I knew all my prtners ( at that time ) wants when it cam e to eating as when my girl was a baby and I didnt work i got pleasure in making him meals for when he came home from work...until the very day...he spit food back onto the plate ..or just walk over to the bin and bin it...ir just not come home as hed be out in the pub getting completely pissed and trying to get his stash.id be at home with the baby ..nothing but an archaic TV and filth to clean . Anyway...so my sister had spent ages cooking...serves up this pastsa dish, shed put red peppers in it and sliced them long ways (oh oh!) I didnt want to criticise..and I nkow my sister so thought shed be hard skinned enough to cope..
We were all sitiing at the table eating ...I thought it was good. He starts to slowly and painfully pick the red peppers out , like a spoiled child and he even stated "These make me gag" Nikki looked at me and smirked then gave me a wink.....I am thnking maybe shes pout some rat poison in ti....Undfortunately not. Okay, so Nikki says....erm "Richard, is there something wrong with thes little red things you appear to be picking out your meal?" o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD He said something again about gaggin...Nikki ( who has just spent 2 and abit hour s in the kitchen makin us all a great meal and most of all giving me a break...started to laugh XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD Then He stood up....took the plate , flung it down with force, necx t to the kitchen sink..Nikki got a bit jumpy at that point and so did I...the he screamed at the top of his voice "f**k off " you eveil b***h......so he then thums out the kitchen slamming the door behind him .
For my sister that was the point when she went...this is not right...comeon girl talk...so we sdid ...we had a great time that night, and I felt as though i could talk to her about things.
For me to request het to as I put it "Back off" as hwer opinion is more hurtful. the fact she knew things were going on for years..the ridiculous request when she saw me on Friday cracking up"You mean its too late to go to relats?????" o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O WHAT?????? No mum I like spending time with people that manipulate , turn mum on his side, trying to turn all the support iI have on him...Do you know when I started my kicking him out mission i felt reallly guilty and troubled by how he would feel or how he would behavve or what I am doing to him??? Now, now I cant care...an dI have to remeber what he ahas done so that I can keep going....not to go back to the times when we used to dance to music ...oh you dont want to know about that ..but I do sometimes go back to reassure yself that my children DID come form some sort or romantic love ,,,,and to convince myself he has not just USED me to make a BOY.
The worst thing about it is.its his words against mine and even though I am no angle, even though I too canbe a horrible nasty b***h, even though I have doen some silly things in this relationship , hes still a far better, fr more intelligent manipulator. I am too slow , get wound up about things , worry about everything all the time...Hes Mr laid back so when things need sped up he is on the ball.
Now I feel awful...oh I forgot..i asked the woman at breathing space, welll actually she asked me if I wanted the flat put under surveilance for 24 hrs.......Think I said "Yes" thats goin gto make me more paranoid
This is the thing..I know I have an isssue with wine..so does my sister and soanyway,,,I know you cant blame another sole for pouring it down my neck Iknow that I know I cant blame my events from the past , I know that to, and I know that, whenever my comes over she triggers me of onone..I need to get drunk ..or I want a stiff drink..Thats another thing though...because its wine ..i often think acht its only wine ...could be worse could be vodka/whisky/gin.
Before my drinking got out of hand, was before my sister moved in with us for a year..I used to beg that shed stay at a friends so that I could live to see another day..i was better then...Ie , i paniced that if I were to have one more glass of wine I was sure Id die...I liked my nights off and then nights with her partying it up and having her support around...I guess thats where it all started I used to get angry with my sister though, for not tidying up after herself, Also Id get annoyed with my ex as my sister would be the only person hed talk to and he used to stare at her in an odd way...and she never helped as she used to where her night dress or pyjamas and things would be infull viosion...Hmmdont know if you understand,,,thats when I started to have doubts...But,
Myssiter started to change , when she cooked hima meal.....shed spent ages,,,shes really fussy about food...weighs around 6 stone, and spends ages cooking for people and she sips he rwine and listens to music while shes oing it( she always manages to make a realy relaxing atmosphere)...ANYWAY, she cooked this meal and she sliced the peppers long ways..I knew this would not go down well. She spent ages preparing...I knew all my prtners ( at that time ) wants when it cam e to eating as when my girl was a baby and I didnt work i got pleasure in making him meals for when he came home from work...until the very day...he spit food back onto the plate ..or just walk over to the bin and bin it...ir just not come home as hed be out in the pub getting completely pissed and trying to get his stash.id be at home with the baby ..nothing but an archaic TV and filth to clean . Anyway...so my sister had spent ages cooking...serves up this pastsa dish, shed put red peppers in it and sliced them long ways (oh oh!) I didnt want to criticise..and I nkow my sister so thought shed be hard skinned enough to cope..
We were all sitiing at the table eating ...I thought it was good. He starts to slowly and painfully pick the red peppers out , like a spoiled child and he even stated "These make me gag" Nikki looked at me and smirked then gave me a wink.....I am thnking maybe shes pout some rat poison in ti....Undfortunately not. Okay, so Nikki says....erm "Richard, is there something wrong with thes little red things you appear to be picking out your meal?" o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD He said something again about gaggin...Nikki ( who has just spent 2 and abit hour s in the kitchen makin us all a great meal and most of all giving me a break...started to laugh XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD Then He stood up....took the plate , flung it down with force, necx t to the kitchen sink..Nikki got a bit jumpy at that point and so did I...the he screamed at the top of his voice "f**k off " you eveil b***h......so he then thums out the kitchen slamming the door behind him .
For my sister that was the point when she went...this is not right...comeon girl talk...so we sdid ...we had a great time that night, and I felt as though i could talk to her about things.