I hope you and your boys get well!
I know your right-but I cant get myself to grips with things-and I feel likeim going to explode!
Liked the story though-are you trying to suggest I should start buying lottery tickets? I think I should , it maybe my only way out!
The again I could get selling things on e-bay-have you done that yet> Its addictive!
I know your right-but I cant get myself to grips with things-and I feel likeim going to explode!
Liked the story though-are you trying to suggest I should start buying lottery tickets? I think I should , it maybe my only way out!
The again I could get selling things on e-bay-have you done that yet> Its addictive!
No I buy on Ebay! I had a book when I was little girl, and I found it on Ebay well I started bidding and all of a sudden I was at $100 dollars - for a bloody book!!!! - so thank God this guy bit 1 more dollar! ;-) Here they tax you for selling on Ebay - so sometimes it's not worth it! The government ALWAYS have their hands in our pockets!
I know you feel like you have no strength, but start relying on outside peoples to do the work for you! Go and see someone and be TOTALLY honest about everything! I swear that they WILL get you help Katy! You have protected this pig for far too long! You CAN do this, and after you will think "WHY did I wait so long, this wasn't so bad at all!" I promise you that! The 1st step is ALWAYS the hardest!
I know you feel like you have no strength, but start relying on outside peoples to do the work for you! Go and see someone and be TOTALLY honest about everything! I swear that they WILL get you help Katy! You have protected this pig for far too long! You CAN do this, and after you will think "WHY did I wait so long, this wasn't so bad at all!" I promise you that! The 1st step is ALWAYS the hardest!
Ypu are so right. You can worry yourself to death about "what will be" when you never really know until you try!
Gvmnts are grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! Annoying! Maybe should watch the ebay signals then!
Just finished an essay that was supposed to get handed in last thursday..... I didnt realise that I actually lean on the keyboard keys....Wooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrddddssssssssssssss are like tttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaattttttttttt!!! It was a giggle!
and I was sssssssssssssssooooooooooooooo negative!!! Started to argue about america and how it dishes out pills to just about anyone and the the police, judicary prosecute the parents when it was in actual fact the psychiatrist giving a 2 year old modd stabilisers, blood pressure pills, and antipsychotics......then they all wonder why she died aged 4!! Got me so soooooooo angry that my entire essay ended up about pahrmaceyticals making profits out of something that they are unsure even exists!!!!!!!!! Argh Ive lost it completely!
And im fed up with chocolate!!! My friend suggested I had appendicit as I was doubled up -she just about rang an ambulance for me.......so I went home quickly! Waht book cost you 100 dollars?
Gvmnts are grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! Annoying! Maybe should watch the ebay signals then!
Just finished an essay that was supposed to get handed in last thursday..... I didnt realise that I actually lean on the keyboard keys....Wooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrddddssssssssssssss are like tttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaattttttttttt!!! It was a giggle!
and I was sssssssssssssssooooooooooooooo negative!!! Started to argue about america and how it dishes out pills to just about anyone and the the police, judicary prosecute the parents when it was in actual fact the psychiatrist giving a 2 year old modd stabilisers, blood pressure pills, and antipsychotics......then they all wonder why she died aged 4!! Got me so soooooooo angry that my entire essay ended up about pahrmaceyticals making profits out of something that they are unsure even exists!!!!!!!!! Argh Ive lost it completely!
And im fed up with chocolate!!! My friend suggested I had appendicit as I was doubled up -she just about rang an ambulance for me.......so I went home quickly! Waht book cost you 100 dollars?
Youve just reminded me about library books!!! At least you got to keep your book o.O Its easter sunday and the library is shut, but they still manage to fine me! Whooooooooooooooooooppppppppps!
OmG! I forgot! Ive got to go get my nooonoos checked ( sorry thats what Becca calls them) On wednesday morning and the lump is so there-I cant stop feeling it. I know its just precaution-getting things checked-but wat if I get shocked by what they find and what if its related to the pain in my stomach? Does anyone knkow if Baclofen can cause these effects? I dont take it anymore, but its just I read that that pill can cause ovarian cysts ( in rats!) well Im starting to think andlook for my long tail-because I am worried.and then worse what if its something more. My aunt died within 5 weeks of gettting checked. that was nearly 20 years ago, but it stilll upsets me.
If you have a butcher of a surgeon and they dont do the op right-could that caus ecancer cells to spread. its just I wonder-thats what my mum suggested to me the other day. She said that had my aunt been given the right treatment shed still be here- is that possible? i thought it was just her gene make up, im so confused by everything she says to me. I know cancer is in our family , my grandad died from it and he was a conscientous objector during the war as he was looking after his sick and dying parents from the disease. i dont want it!
Its just not helping my anxious feelings-and my stomach /side is sore!
My big sister laughed at me-as Ive had every esay extended ( hand in dates as Ive been so stressed, bu tlike I was telling my student friends-I find essays are like brick walls-not until I start and end them do I feel a relief and even then I worry I fail . My last esay( well I was told it differed from a 55 percent mark to a 75 percent mark ) and so i got 65. I wasnt disappointed with this grade, but Iwasnt exactly shocked by those coments either.Im so disorganised, and pain isnt helping. Plus ive walloped both my wrists and they are bruised and I dont know why i did it or how I did it for that matter!
Anyway, I am okay, much better than ive been in ages-I mean and I know its been a long process, but this time last year I couldnt have visited my friend despite having so much in common and that goes with the feelings of being a victim -not that I think sh eis but I just admire her strength! Shes an amazing friend and im lucky to have her-but we both gave some thought to my situation and we reckoned the same thing- that I should move to Glasgow with my girls-but my frined s ar ehere and ill miss them and so will my girls miss their friends.
If you have a butcher of a surgeon and they dont do the op right-could that caus ecancer cells to spread. its just I wonder-thats what my mum suggested to me the other day. She said that had my aunt been given the right treatment shed still be here- is that possible? i thought it was just her gene make up, im so confused by everything she says to me. I know cancer is in our family , my grandad died from it and he was a conscientous objector during the war as he was looking after his sick and dying parents from the disease. i dont want it!
Its just not helping my anxious feelings-and my stomach /side is sore!
My big sister laughed at me-as Ive had every esay extended ( hand in dates as Ive been so stressed, bu tlike I was telling my student friends-I find essays are like brick walls-not until I start and end them do I feel a relief and even then I worry I fail . My last esay( well I was told it differed from a 55 percent mark to a 75 percent mark ) and so i got 65. I wasnt disappointed with this grade, but Iwasnt exactly shocked by those coments either.Im so disorganised, and pain isnt helping. Plus ive walloped both my wrists and they are bruised and I dont know why i did it or how I did it for that matter!
Anyway, I am okay, much better than ive been in ages-I mean and I know its been a long process, but this time last year I couldnt have visited my friend despite having so much in common and that goes with the feelings of being a victim -not that I think sh eis but I just admire her strength! Shes an amazing friend and im lucky to have her-but we both gave some thought to my situation and we reckoned the same thing- that I should move to Glasgow with my girls-but my frined s ar ehere and ill miss them and so will my girls miss their friends.
Whoops -just realised you didnt get tha book!
Feling a bit better today. thinking about going private renting. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!
got a cold!
Feling a bit better today. thinking about going private renting. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!
got a cold!
Actually, nope -I take that last coment back about feeling well. Coldie and realy bad cramps! Probably caught th ebug from frined!
Is IbS caused by anxiety / depression /poor diet?? Or could it be possible that iBS brings on anxiety/ depression--drinking etc? Cause mt stomach is bad now and even thoughive just got up im going to try and sleep !
Im okay-Maybe its just really bad pmt ( again!)Though thats not due for a while and I dont realy feel the need to kill someone-though Ive been getting so psychotic the week before-but then I seem to be having episode lke these too-on and off-its just not me. Whats happening to me-I dont like who I am becoming!!!
Im dreading wednesday and appointment.
RightI saiad I wasnt going to let this worry me. Im not im not going to let it worry me, and if anything sinister does happen im still not going to let it worry me..Im just not
Okay now im going to start my 5000 word essay. Im a bit peeved off .This course is costing and the tutors cant even be bothered using the systems but we have to adhere to ehir way. No lecture notes are up-so tyou cant even get a mild look at what to do...WE just have to fork out the dosh -and still probably want get a job at the end of they dayAnyways, I better get started or I will be paying my doctor for a medical line to get another extension! ( In fact thats reaqlly not funny!)
Im dreading wednesday and appointment.
RightI saiad I wasnt going to let this worry me. Im not im not going to let it worry me, and if anything sinister does happen im still not going to let it worry me..Im just not
Okay now im going to start my 5000 word essay. Im a bit peeved off .This course is costing and the tutors cant even be bothered using the systems but we have to adhere to ehir way. No lecture notes are up-so tyou cant even get a mild look at what to do...WE just have to fork out the dosh -and still probably want get a job at the end of they dayAnyways, I better get started or I will be paying my doctor for a medical line to get another extension! ( In fact thats reaqlly not funny!)
Do you think its posisible to choke yourself to death on anxiety-honestly I thought I was going to be sick and it was a sthoguh I was choking on my tongue. Right I better go do somework. My head looks so big with dark hair, I just dont recognise me anymore!
I know some of the stuuf I write here-well its me letting of fteam, not paying attention etc etc
but Im so worked up now! Nrevous and wine is calling me! I promised I wouldnt-but Im to nervous-!
His mum gets all her working done tomorrow ( Im worried about that and selfish sally ( me!) is feeling selfishly doomed by it all!)
Plus Im nervous about wednesday-I promised I wouldnt do a mum I promisd to chant to myslef "it want be anything-its just like going for a smear test" but I have a negative feeling about it-its scaring me!
trying to get on-huh! Yeah! Laugh out loud, I managed 240 words of a 5000 essay-pfff-how am I going to do it?
Things here are pkayish, well that is if you include the fact that I am ok-not really coping with the childrens demands though. Im like Jack Nicholson from the shinning...snappie little bee!
I dont know what Im doing! Im going to be a 34 year old woman and I rant like I am 14 ( okay some of us never change) but hmfph! In fact at least when I was 14 I didnt seem so unreasonable or psychotic, I did get anxious and I did get depressed-but didnt we all with raging hormones etc! Its strange , I had this discussion with one of my really good friends regarding hormones-and its true the word is used far more lightheartedly than it should be! Hormones make you do manic things-they make me act ttotally out of the ordinary-you do not want to see my bruises on my wrists..( nothing really-but I just whacked them of my table without reall meanig to and it looks like ive been tied down by some criminal again!)
My good friend has to been through a similar episode and I think shes ready to tak about it- she spoke to me about it-and it just made me weep ( later!) not in frint of her-I dont know the benefits of having short hair seem to outweigh the benefits of having long hair! I remeber getting totally pissed in her house and we exchanged notes on it-neither of us took each other seriously because we were downing the old sauce tips. She knows a little bit about me, but not everything, but I know she suspects more, and in away I kind of have a lot of trust in her. She cant help me out though she has her own problems, just does everyone else! In fact she has been so overloaded lately that she too has gone for help! Its amzing to see the difference in her too-so much more level! ) though I wouldnt want her to know thats what I thought-as when she was down it wasnt that bad. we are very alike and you cry about something then quickly say something just to try and break the damness! Anyway, dreading the next couple of days. I just do not know how I am going to get to this hospital for 9am, and as I seem worse than usual-im dreading it. Strangers, even people I love dont get to see me -and even when I breast fed ( hey at least i breast fed-that ought to be a healthy sign!)..I could finish that rant-but im not going to bother! Right im off- do you know where I could access info on Thorne and sue in his perso centred approach-just this study ( i think takes the piss-they argue otherwise) Im jus not so sure. If a tv programme can cause children to murder, so can cause PTSD, then what is all that about- though I believe neither about tv causing murder or PTSD! Actually as having a frined who died from anorexia-im more inclined to think im tormented by visions of oedemia in the legs and burstulcerations and bleeding. the TV - uhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Don twatch it then -turn away and there are age limits on programmes films etc for a reason. ok Im ranting , been on my own all day , my mum and sister arent available to talk to either, and my dad and staep mum have gone to Bruge
but Im so worked up now! Nrevous and wine is calling me! I promised I wouldnt-but Im to nervous-!
His mum gets all her working done tomorrow ( Im worried about that and selfish sally ( me!) is feeling selfishly doomed by it all!)
Plus Im nervous about wednesday-I promised I wouldnt do a mum I promisd to chant to myslef "it want be anything-its just like going for a smear test" but I have a negative feeling about it-its scaring me!
trying to get on-huh! Yeah! Laugh out loud, I managed 240 words of a 5000 essay-pfff-how am I going to do it?
Things here are pkayish, well that is if you include the fact that I am ok-not really coping with the childrens demands though. Im like Jack Nicholson from the shinning...snappie little bee!
I dont know what Im doing! Im going to be a 34 year old woman and I rant like I am 14 ( okay some of us never change) but hmfph! In fact at least when I was 14 I didnt seem so unreasonable or psychotic, I did get anxious and I did get depressed-but didnt we all with raging hormones etc! Its strange , I had this discussion with one of my really good friends regarding hormones-and its true the word is used far more lightheartedly than it should be! Hormones make you do manic things-they make me act ttotally out of the ordinary-you do not want to see my bruises on my wrists..( nothing really-but I just whacked them of my table without reall meanig to and it looks like ive been tied down by some criminal again!)
My good friend has to been through a similar episode and I think shes ready to tak about it- she spoke to me about it-and it just made me weep ( later!) not in frint of her-I dont know the benefits of having short hair seem to outweigh the benefits of having long hair! I remeber getting totally pissed in her house and we exchanged notes on it-neither of us took each other seriously because we were downing the old sauce tips. She knows a little bit about me, but not everything, but I know she suspects more, and in away I kind of have a lot of trust in her. She cant help me out though she has her own problems, just does everyone else! In fact she has been so overloaded lately that she too has gone for help! Its amzing to see the difference in her too-so much more level! ) though I wouldnt want her to know thats what I thought-as when she was down it wasnt that bad. we are very alike and you cry about something then quickly say something just to try and break the damness! Anyway, dreading the next couple of days. I just do not know how I am going to get to this hospital for 9am, and as I seem worse than usual-im dreading it. Strangers, even people I love dont get to see me -and even when I breast fed ( hey at least i breast fed-that ought to be a healthy sign!)..I could finish that rant-but im not going to bother! Right im off- do you know where I could access info on Thorne and sue in his perso centred approach-just this study ( i think takes the piss-they argue otherwise) Im jus not so sure. If a tv programme can cause children to murder, so can cause PTSD, then what is all that about- though I believe neither about tv causing murder or PTSD! Actually as having a frined who died from anorexia-im more inclined to think im tormented by visions of oedemia in the legs and burstulcerations and bleeding. the TV - uhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Don twatch it then -turn away and there are age limits on programmes films etc for a reason. ok Im ranting , been on my own all day , my mum and sister arent available to talk to either, and my dad and staep mum have gone to Bruge
I just cant slep!
This is mad! 10 years ago , 10 years ago I was getting ready for my newborn...10 years ago, and another week I was on a slab, and felt aghagst at how things were done-then when my little beatiful girl arrived and bundled in my arms-then taken away, the midwife was such a cow! Such a cow! Call me oversensitve but I had had one woman to begin with name RSMcoll, and the next I shall never name or find one to share with anyone . Hey, the first lady was lovely, the next was a reall cow! I think its the birds outside singing-kept me awkae al night- dont know!
Ive been crying uncontrollably since 3am ( at least) and I cant stop- i want it to stop! I feel so selfish!! I feel really weird.. I want to fight how I feel , feel like me agian, but its like ive died, and ill never come back, ( and I dont know how to handle this person!)
I want to stop that citalopram drug too-whats the point! Plus, Im sure that gps surgery will be glad to see the back of me, and that drinks place-theyll be glad to be rid of me. Having said that, i just want to be me again, be me- not someone with a drink problem, or someone who is depressed because this n that-not a 34 years old person who just want to be a success, that cant. I want to be able to god even just like myself, nevermind try tat loving thingI just dont know who the hell I am-who the hell am i?I cant even get in touch with old friends- I cant even find them, nevermind if they gave up on me anyway. I want a back bnone that sayd "f**k of tears" and to be able to bite my botom lip and have the strength to tell them all to f**k off and leave me alone!..But im scared of having a backbone as Ive nevr really had a backbone with other people.What if I use it all wrong????
Ive not even finishe dmy 3000 word essay and started my 5000 word essay( which im inding a bit more interesting) but really finding it tough.I have allot more respect for people with other illnesses and addictions than that one they call "alcoholism: ..I hat the word-its dirty. Id rather be a manic depressive, OCD, panic diorder dysfunctional-you name it Id rather be any of them-I have far more compassion and time and when you listen and hear people that have had these problems-its like ive always said "its not reallly them with the problem" Its the rest of theboring worldAlcoholism I find harde to forgive becuase theres an eliment of fun to be had and enjoyment in drinking, ther isnt really an eliment of that in a true obsessive CDd, or anorexic- if anyone argues the odds-I beg to differ
Anyway-does anyone want to erite my essay for me? Ive so much to do-and Im not planning to smack lamposts again- or am i? Do you think that was my way of gaining attention-screaming for help? What was that? ilook back on that -this time last year, it went on for months-what was that????????????????Whatever it was , it wasnt so called normal, and ha ha I mad e this big discovery-just so that everyone knows -lamposts dont talk-they were just the voices in my head doing that ( okay bad joke!) Or maybe its an okay koke ( huh) for me!Grrrr! Why do people say that-tended to come from my dad ...."thats okayFOR YOU, Katy" Why am I such an inadeqquate??? IM 34 years of frigging age, no decent job, c**p mum, never been a wife, never really had a decent realationship, cant drive, have no money , have 2 lovely childrne that I can tlook after or tend to, I cant even write, thats a skil that I cant even do, and I look like a feak, one eye here, one eye there, and one big nose, hair now like mud and a face the same colour as a white board, peace of chalk, and bags the sixe of ..I dont know what but just because skipping rope is now to small does not give me the pleasure in skipping over them every god damn five mioinutes!!!
Anyway, IM thinking about moving out on my own now! Ill miss the girls and yes I will feel like c**p, but even those words in that lawyers letter that ive read over and ovaer and over and over and over and over and over agian, demean my parenting skills by even suggesting that I would leave without my children, they side with my ex and all crimiminals and I cannot forgive that man for what he has done to me, no counselling, no nothing will change that, and why should I? I know it take s2 to tangoo? But hes not exactly being upportive with me or hads been in the last few years and now I am not allowed to support him, only by ways of the chldren -and thats not fair on them and I havent got a clus ewhat is going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11I am the one that doesnt deserve children, Ive never hurt them -( well never physically) , but maybe I have hurt them by being neglegant, it doesnt mean I don tlove them though. In fact in being neglgant i see it that I was causing them less harm, by not bi=eing sniffling around them etc..I feed them clothe them and play with them and ocassionally we cuddle up while watching tv and so forth, but im findong it too hard to plan a day out with them! The only plans I can make are when hes not around, but then I have little money and bus fares take up a fortune...Thats another thing I lie in bed at night and worry where the hell Ill be in the nexy few months , worry till I sweat and cry and feel sick, worry that I am going to get done for fraud worrry worry worry, then I realsie, that oh who cares...put it this way im surprised his hand havent grown a few inches to reach his pockets and that his troussers dont fall off because of the extra heavy weight!
Anyway, Ill sign off, I hope im back early from hospital to go to bed and then do my pCt esay at night. Do not fill in the P...C...T... gaps-or feel free,,,whoever decides to read...Im tired of it all... Not one therapy does everything and sometimes its the ittle things that fet left out that is what is improtant , i think im loosing heart and motivation for it-maybe it was the funding bill-I dont know, but hopefully no one will know who I am really and the only option from her is to end it so maybe I should cancel that hospital appointment and not waist anyone time anymore!
Ive been crying uncontrollably since 3am ( at least) and I cant stop- i want it to stop! I feel so selfish!! I feel really weird.. I want to fight how I feel , feel like me agian, but its like ive died, and ill never come back, ( and I dont know how to handle this person!)
I want to stop that citalopram drug too-whats the point! Plus, Im sure that gps surgery will be glad to see the back of me, and that drinks place-theyll be glad to be rid of me. Having said that, i just want to be me again, be me- not someone with a drink problem, or someone who is depressed because this n that-not a 34 years old person who just want to be a success, that cant. I want to be able to god even just like myself, nevermind try tat loving thingI just dont know who the hell I am-who the hell am i?I cant even get in touch with old friends- I cant even find them, nevermind if they gave up on me anyway. I want a back bnone that sayd "f**k of tears" and to be able to bite my botom lip and have the strength to tell them all to f**k off and leave me alone!..But im scared of having a backbone as Ive nevr really had a backbone with other people.What if I use it all wrong????
Ive not even finishe dmy 3000 word essay and started my 5000 word essay( which im inding a bit more interesting) but really finding it tough.I have allot more respect for people with other illnesses and addictions than that one they call "alcoholism: ..I hat the word-its dirty. Id rather be a manic depressive, OCD, panic diorder dysfunctional-you name it Id rather be any of them-I have far more compassion and time and when you listen and hear people that have had these problems-its like ive always said "its not reallly them with the problem" Its the rest of theboring worldAlcoholism I find harde to forgive becuase theres an eliment of fun to be had and enjoyment in drinking, ther isnt really an eliment of that in a true obsessive CDd, or anorexic- if anyone argues the odds-I beg to differ
Anyway-does anyone want to erite my essay for me? Ive so much to do-and Im not planning to smack lamposts again- or am i? Do you think that was my way of gaining attention-screaming for help? What was that? ilook back on that -this time last year, it went on for months-what was that????????????????Whatever it was , it wasnt so called normal, and ha ha I mad e this big discovery-just so that everyone knows -lamposts dont talk-they were just the voices in my head doing that ( okay bad joke!) Or maybe its an okay koke ( huh) for me!Grrrr! Why do people say that-tended to come from my dad ...."thats okayFOR YOU, Katy" Why am I such an inadeqquate??? IM 34 years of frigging age, no decent job, c**p mum, never been a wife, never really had a decent realationship, cant drive, have no money , have 2 lovely childrne that I can tlook after or tend to, I cant even write, thats a skil that I cant even do, and I look like a feak, one eye here, one eye there, and one big nose, hair now like mud and a face the same colour as a white board, peace of chalk, and bags the sixe of ..I dont know what but just because skipping rope is now to small does not give me the pleasure in skipping over them every god damn five mioinutes!!!
Anyway, IM thinking about moving out on my own now! Ill miss the girls and yes I will feel like c**p, but even those words in that lawyers letter that ive read over and ovaer and over and over and over and over and over agian, demean my parenting skills by even suggesting that I would leave without my children, they side with my ex and all crimiminals and I cannot forgive that man for what he has done to me, no counselling, no nothing will change that, and why should I? I know it take s2 to tangoo? But hes not exactly being upportive with me or hads been in the last few years and now I am not allowed to support him, only by ways of the chldren -and thats not fair on them and I havent got a clus ewhat is going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11I am the one that doesnt deserve children, Ive never hurt them -( well never physically) , but maybe I have hurt them by being neglegant, it doesnt mean I don tlove them though. In fact in being neglgant i see it that I was causing them less harm, by not bi=eing sniffling around them etc..I feed them clothe them and play with them and ocassionally we cuddle up while watching tv and so forth, but im findong it too hard to plan a day out with them! The only plans I can make are when hes not around, but then I have little money and bus fares take up a fortune...Thats another thing I lie in bed at night and worry where the hell Ill be in the nexy few months , worry till I sweat and cry and feel sick, worry that I am going to get done for fraud worrry worry worry, then I realsie, that oh who cares...put it this way im surprised his hand havent grown a few inches to reach his pockets and that his troussers dont fall off because of the extra heavy weight!
Anyway, Ill sign off, I hope im back early from hospital to go to bed and then do my pCt esay at night. Do not fill in the P...C...T... gaps-or feel free,,,whoever decides to read...Im tired of it all... Not one therapy does everything and sometimes its the ittle things that fet left out that is what is improtant , i think im loosing heart and motivation for it-maybe it was the funding bill-I dont know, but hopefully no one will know who I am really and the only option from her is to end it so maybe I should cancel that hospital appointment and not waist anyone time anymore!
Glad thats over , and everything seems ok :$ XD Im such a worrie!!!!!
Relly tired though so going to get some food..my stomach just wouldnt shut up 3 people comented on it! Anyway, apart from being a top down -the day is looking better-just need sleep!
Relly tired though so going to get some food..my stomach just wouldnt shut up 3 people comented on it! Anyway, apart from being a top down -the day is looking better-just need sleep!
Iam glad theres nothing ( apparently) sinister going on with me-but im still sore, why couldnt something be done about it? Is it just the way ladies are and were just to live andd ela with it? Mind you, the doctor checked all my glands, and when he rubbed my neck - I was stop it that hurts! Though I never said anything. he obviously was a busy man and had a stressful full days work ahead of him-unlike me!
Ive decide to give up the ghost-either go do me inor find a full time job. I need to for everything-money being the main cause, but also just as I cant carry on living like this-I mean, i really cannot!
I reckon it must be pmt noting more nothing less-but i did think about taking the top that i ripped to shreds to mydoctor to show exactlyy how horrid I see me. It was a nce top too-but I just saw this big fat thing staring back at me-nothing was comfotable , nothing suited, noting was apporpriate-just nothing!
I dont know what im going to do now-im in a huge sweat about trying to find funding for my course-theres nothing really nothing. I need to sort this out-or I quir on dreams and my passion. My passion isnt to be desirable to men and love and learn from them and cook and clean after them. my ambitoin is to become what ive always want ed to be- I just dont know what to do about it though.
I mean-the doctor asked me my occupation-my occupation is a parttime shop asitant.hey before I knock it I do like it there and I even do struggle to keep up with the mentality- I always have with shop work. I know Im good with customers _ or can be occasionally, but Im not good with the old self management crisies!
Im donw because I feel like my MSC isnt going to happen-that im laden wit tons of debt-that no one really cares,that im a fraud for getting checked out for cancer - when ther ewas nothing ther ( not that Id ever want it) just I do think you cant tell, then theres the other side, the side that distrusts doctors, I mean they gave my aunt the all clear, 6 days later she was dead- so why and who and why should I believe anything anyone syas to me-not that it makes a difference because no one seem to treat the discomfort!
I just for once, want to out-wnat to report that I am the confident Katy! The Kat yI once was. the katy that even after everything in 4th year stuck her head high and said "I will not be a victim" The Katy that said that was just pur bad luck, the popular Katy that was liked and forgot about her own baggage and helped others. the Katy that was kind ansd sensitive and had miles of time for other people. Im no wher elke the old Katy I sued to be! Though, Katy does come home ocassionally with fun things to do but Katy isnt the same Katy has gone and I dont think she ever will return! I feel stuck in a place that maybe I do deserve because I cant get out! Maybe I deserve it and thats why I am stuck! Maybe thats it, maybe thats all im worth!
I cant believe how I behaved today. I had a red top which helped simmer down the bad brown chestnut pink tinge to my hair that once was a very dry blonde...I thought it would look okay ..When I put it on I just saw this old saggy woman staring at me-I didnt recognise myself, and i reallya ctually just want ed to hurt myself . I cant cope with everything at the moment. I just cant. I want / but really do not want to give up my msc, I want to go abroad and have a holiday with the girls and forge teverything. I dont thin kanyone believes me nayway, and now iM not sure I believe myslef..Though in trying to understand myself I was thinking about how I actually think sex as such a disgusting inferior like thing, and why would anyone want that> But then I have a real desire to , or for someone to see me , for who I am , for the loving person that i can be and not the psychotic b***h that ruined a thirty ppound tioop that never had been worn and that really just wants out. But I dont even know if I want out-I dont know. I remeber in my 20s being extrenley depressed. I wore my pjs for 4 weeks didnt go to uni, dran klots of wine, ate loads, watched childrens tiv till sky scrapers fell down. Even saw my sister and mum incvited them for tea, yet all I could offer would have then been a bowel of alpen!
Lol, that sone thing that was funny, I was feeling really, and I fell really really nuge, but my stomach wouldnt stop growling at me and even the doctor comented( did you miss breakfast?) erm well I miss most meals but sometimes when pmted eat like buckets of really unhealthy food( not that id tell them that) nayway. i need to do some work-but what if I do all this work and cant affrd it! Whats the point-t then ill never get out, illl always be a shop asssistant and always feel rubbish... and why are doctors and nurses so nice to me and seem to level with me, yet peeers are ready to knock me where it truly hurts! I guess Ive met people that are good at their jobs, but im so untrustworthing.
My first born will be 10 next week, I ccant afford anything great and I have no plans yet- but I want her to feel extra special!Im thinking too that this pill no longer works for me, or rather that I an harassed by taking it because midday im so tired feeling and then by night up all hours! I wish it could be happier news, i am longing for the day when I say "im okay, I did it-ive sorted it all out" but im a selfish sally and an ugly no hoper at that. i cant come to terms with my age and my inabilityites, and I cant come to terms with the fact I have no voice!
Ive decide to give up the ghost-either go do me inor find a full time job. I need to for everything-money being the main cause, but also just as I cant carry on living like this-I mean, i really cannot!
I reckon it must be pmt noting more nothing less-but i did think about taking the top that i ripped to shreds to mydoctor to show exactlyy how horrid I see me. It was a nce top too-but I just saw this big fat thing staring back at me-nothing was comfotable , nothing suited, noting was apporpriate-just nothing!
I dont know what im going to do now-im in a huge sweat about trying to find funding for my course-theres nothing really nothing. I need to sort this out-or I quir on dreams and my passion. My passion isnt to be desirable to men and love and learn from them and cook and clean after them. my ambitoin is to become what ive always want ed to be- I just dont know what to do about it though.
I mean-the doctor asked me my occupation-my occupation is a parttime shop asitant.hey before I knock it I do like it there and I even do struggle to keep up with the mentality- I always have with shop work. I know Im good with customers _ or can be occasionally, but Im not good with the old self management crisies!
Im donw because I feel like my MSC isnt going to happen-that im laden wit tons of debt-that no one really cares,that im a fraud for getting checked out for cancer - when ther ewas nothing ther ( not that Id ever want it) just I do think you cant tell, then theres the other side, the side that distrusts doctors, I mean they gave my aunt the all clear, 6 days later she was dead- so why and who and why should I believe anything anyone syas to me-not that it makes a difference because no one seem to treat the discomfort!
I just for once, want to out-wnat to report that I am the confident Katy! The Kat yI once was. the katy that even after everything in 4th year stuck her head high and said "I will not be a victim" The Katy that said that was just pur bad luck, the popular Katy that was liked and forgot about her own baggage and helped others. the Katy that was kind ansd sensitive and had miles of time for other people. Im no wher elke the old Katy I sued to be! Though, Katy does come home ocassionally with fun things to do but Katy isnt the same Katy has gone and I dont think she ever will return! I feel stuck in a place that maybe I do deserve because I cant get out! Maybe I deserve it and thats why I am stuck! Maybe thats it, maybe thats all im worth!
I cant believe how I behaved today. I had a red top which helped simmer down the bad brown chestnut pink tinge to my hair that once was a very dry blonde...I thought it would look okay ..When I put it on I just saw this old saggy woman staring at me-I didnt recognise myself, and i reallya ctually just want ed to hurt myself . I cant cope with everything at the moment. I just cant. I want / but really do not want to give up my msc, I want to go abroad and have a holiday with the girls and forge teverything. I dont thin kanyone believes me nayway, and now iM not sure I believe myslef..Though in trying to understand myself I was thinking about how I actually think sex as such a disgusting inferior like thing, and why would anyone want that> But then I have a real desire to , or for someone to see me , for who I am , for the loving person that i can be and not the psychotic b***h that ruined a thirty ppound tioop that never had been worn and that really just wants out. But I dont even know if I want out-I dont know. I remeber in my 20s being extrenley depressed. I wore my pjs for 4 weeks didnt go to uni, dran klots of wine, ate loads, watched childrens tiv till sky scrapers fell down. Even saw my sister and mum incvited them for tea, yet all I could offer would have then been a bowel of alpen!
Lol, that sone thing that was funny, I was feeling really, and I fell really really nuge, but my stomach wouldnt stop growling at me and even the doctor comented( did you miss breakfast?) erm well I miss most meals but sometimes when pmted eat like buckets of really unhealthy food( not that id tell them that) nayway. i need to do some work-but what if I do all this work and cant affrd it! Whats the point-t then ill never get out, illl always be a shop asssistant and always feel rubbish... and why are doctors and nurses so nice to me and seem to level with me, yet peeers are ready to knock me where it truly hurts! I guess Ive met people that are good at their jobs, but im so untrustworthing.
My first born will be 10 next week, I ccant afford anything great and I have no plans yet- but I want her to feel extra special!Im thinking too that this pill no longer works for me, or rather that I an harassed by taking it because midday im so tired feeling and then by night up all hours! I wish it could be happier news, i am longing for the day when I say "im okay, I did it-ive sorted it all out" but im a selfish sally and an ugly no hoper at that. i cant come to terms with my age and my inabilityites, and I cant come to terms with the fact I have no voice!