I dont know what it is-but last night I juct cried al night, Didnt really have a prticular reason. Im so fed up being miserable, and im so fed up of this situation-but the truth is - i giong to have to move out on my own. The thought of it reallly really really upsets me, but im thinking-its the only way.....its the only way to recovering all the money matters I made on my own-its the only way!
Im no longer taking citalopram, i got up this morning and thught sod it-i could still kill something or someone on it, I still cry for no reason, im still feeling like sh*t, and then ( doh1) thats it-never drink again. Im not using the words never as that will make it a problem for me, but Im not drinking for some time...I need to get my life and my girls life back on track...Properly back on track-( none of this owe one weee glasss and then a bottle later crawl off to bed) TUt, I read a paper yeasterday ( sh*t , showing my age and there was the director of the Sunday times reporting that he downed about 4 bottles of wine per day for 24 years......Ta/////thta gave me hope...so what k=now he only has 2 bottles a night and is much better o.O ( soory me being cheeky) I dont knwo where im going but i cant do this anymore, so Im going to dissapear for a while!
Im no longer taking citalopram, i got up this morning and thught sod it-i could still kill something or someone on it, I still cry for no reason, im still feeling like sh*t, and then ( doh1) thats it-never drink again. Im not using the words never as that will make it a problem for me, but Im not drinking for some time...I need to get my life and my girls life back on track...Properly back on track-( none of this owe one weee glasss and then a bottle later crawl off to bed) TUt, I read a paper yeasterday ( sh*t , showing my age and there was the director of the Sunday times reporting that he downed about 4 bottles of wine per day for 24 years......Ta/////thta gave me hope...so what k=now he only has 2 bottles a night and is much better o.O ( soory me being cheeky) I dont knwo where im going but i cant do this anymore, so Im going to dissapear for a while!
Hmmm, Im about to go out-I dont even know where he has gone with the children!
Im so pmted and I cant quited believe that ( and I knkow its good news) but I cant believe that what theyve said is that I have tissues clusters or something( whatever!)...anyway and there I am trying to reassure myself that "if anything had been there it would show up on the mammogram" I keep having to think this because to be honest if brest cancer is anymore uncomfortable ( if it is unconfortable than this -then what the hell is this????) Then another thing thatt really annoyed, How can anyone complain about a mammogram being uncomfy-erm NO ( Doh!) Its not painful! AT ALL. Pain is getting your head banged of walls a few times, pain is feeling like you are choking to death and having to tell people over and over that you simply cant breathe but apparently you can.Pain is having ( I dont know brain surgery-hmmm, that one is weird as Ive been told that it doesnt hurt becuase theres no nerve endings there! Is that true????? Pain is having a 69 ton table dropped on your foot. P ain is loosing a relative, pain is pain.......pain is painful and it doesnt even have to be a true reall thing its just a pain. Its like rain...it comes and goes, sometimes it flods, sometimes it goes, sometimes it mixes withthe sun and makes a rainbow, pain can even have an enjouyable component( that sounds mad. Ayway, my point....that a searm test is more uncomfy than a mammogram...oh yeah Ive another question, I whacked my left wrist and have had a bruis ...bit of a biggie for a wee while, and now y thunb nail has gone yellow......
Right sod it, im going to the pet shop to cheer myself up. What is the point...there just isnt away out, and I am really feeeling nauseated, sick again Im tired of it! Whether it be him , it be me, none of its healthy and something, someone has to give, and im think ing perhaps it should be me to go , perhaps he is a better daddy than I am a mummy ,, maybe I shoul leave... They sya its not what they want but I cant see it any other way! It will kill me , but this is killing me anyway!
Im so pmted and I cant quited believe that ( and I knkow its good news) but I cant believe that what theyve said is that I have tissues clusters or something( whatever!)...anyway and there I am trying to reassure myself that "if anything had been there it would show up on the mammogram" I keep having to think this because to be honest if brest cancer is anymore uncomfortable ( if it is unconfortable than this -then what the hell is this????) Then another thing thatt really annoyed, How can anyone complain about a mammogram being uncomfy-erm NO ( Doh!) Its not painful! AT ALL. Pain is getting your head banged of walls a few times, pain is feeling like you are choking to death and having to tell people over and over that you simply cant breathe but apparently you can.Pain is having ( I dont know brain surgery-hmmm, that one is weird as Ive been told that it doesnt hurt becuase theres no nerve endings there! Is that true????? Pain is having a 69 ton table dropped on your foot. P ain is loosing a relative, pain is pain.......pain is painful and it doesnt even have to be a true reall thing its just a pain. Its like rain...it comes and goes, sometimes it flods, sometimes it goes, sometimes it mixes withthe sun and makes a rainbow, pain can even have an enjouyable component( that sounds mad. Ayway, my point....that a searm test is more uncomfy than a mammogram...oh yeah Ive another question, I whacked my left wrist and have had a bruis ...bit of a biggie for a wee while, and now y thunb nail has gone yellow......
Right sod it, im going to the pet shop to cheer myself up. What is the point...there just isnt away out, and I am really feeeling nauseated, sick again Im tired of it! Whether it be him , it be me, none of its healthy and something, someone has to give, and im think ing perhaps it should be me to go , perhaps he is a better daddy than I am a mummy ,, maybe I shoul leave... They sya its not what they want but I cant see it any other way! It will kill me , but this is killing me anyway!
Im in such a mess now!
The only thin good thing that happened earlier was I went to bed and got some sleep-mind you, I think the mechanics acrss the road are aware of the amount of time im trying to slpee in bead at the moment or are sleeping inbed.Im sure they deliberately make a noise to get me up. Todya Im glad they did....I had this dream, that we were out putting rubbish in the bucket. he falls, and doesnt regain consciousiousness, so I open a bucket and pop him in, Funny thing though, in the dream I could drive, and Had a soft top shiny sports car and, Im cleaning the care endlessly. then I panic when to see my mum , I teel l her what Ive done and she says"sh*t Katy, we woudl have heard from the police by now had you done him in properly"anyway, i awake to the sounds of drilling and loud noises outsied-not sure if I want the dream to be real orr not,
POpped out o look at private properties to let-the council are taking too long. On my return he had discluded me from family life, i got really upset and ate loads then howled myself to sleep Better go
The only thin good thing that happened earlier was I went to bed and got some sleep-mind you, I think the mechanics acrss the road are aware of the amount of time im trying to slpee in bead at the moment or are sleeping inbed.Im sure they deliberately make a noise to get me up. Todya Im glad they did....I had this dream, that we were out putting rubbish in the bucket. he falls, and doesnt regain consciousiousness, so I open a bucket and pop him in, Funny thing though, in the dream I could drive, and Had a soft top shiny sports car and, Im cleaning the care endlessly. then I panic when to see my mum , I teel l her what Ive done and she says"sh*t Katy, we woudl have heard from the police by now had you done him in properly"anyway, i awake to the sounds of drilling and loud noises outsied-not sure if I want the dream to be real orr not,
POpped out o look at private properties to let-the council are taking too long. On my return he had discluded me from family life, i got really upset and ate loads then howled myself to sleep Better go
hmm-I took an extra 10mgs of cit -and the panic is back! But I know its the drugs. Anyway, Having had that scanned has made me more paranoid, insted of better. When I get to grips ( OmG0 with it XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD So well put :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ I think "theyve missed a bit". then I calm mysel fdown to " they woulrd have found it". The thing is they only scanned one side noyt the other one and this morning i could feel a lump on my strneum!
Not done any work , spent yesterday hunting Librabirs=today finding it hard to breath, but my hair dye is washing out, and Im starting to wonder if its really all me..because im so much calmer than ive been and life doesnt seem that bad. Maybe it is all me afterall. Im sure it is!
Not done any work , spent yesterday hunting Librabirs=today finding it hard to breath, but my hair dye is washing out, and Im starting to wonder if its really all me..because im so much calmer than ive been and life doesnt seem that bad. Maybe it is all me afterall. Im sure it is!
Ive not slept. My mum is coming today- I dont know I shouldnt feel this way but I feel like she is one of the reasons I cant breathe, she is lovely and I do love her, but why do I have to be her 10000000th pupil? Why?
That man( I just dont know what to call him) came home drunk last night, and belowed out a barrel of abusers, I couldnt take it so tuck my nose in somewine...it was" its you that makes the mess balh blah blah...and moaned on about how the kitchen was in a mess, the kitchen was in a bit of a mess right enogh, beca had empty all the recycling packaging all over the floor and I hadnt done the dinners dishes, ( so got bellowe dout for that...Then got shouted at for feeding the girls his pizza.....and some, eventually he hcalmes down and came out with, "mum only got months"......"Thatsa what im dealing with".....anyway, Nightmare, .....I dont know was I supposed to cuddle him? Anyway, I couldnt, I went off and did some dishes..had a little cry then went to bes. WHAT A b***h-EH?
Anyway, selfish sally me continues.....okay, so Ive been doing this choking on my otngue sensation thing, it just happens, as though you cant brethe and your tongue has got stuck...well its worse when im tired, so ok, im so sick of it, because when you cough and feelin lke your choking to death and your tongue is rolling back and you hear you ear wax popping and you cant breathe, so you cough harde, and so on...I found if you rub the back of your neck..it helps, it seems to stop my tongue from rolling.
Okay, ive not doen any work in some time, infactsince having had that check up , ive been sleeping constsantly.
The horrible thing is, when I say I cant imagine what he is going thorugh-i can! I wouldnt want it for anyone! Enough said! Ill worry for my girls though
Got a cold again!
Oh it sfunny coming here, im going to have to stop and save some info for my diary...that place is a bit more me than this....anyway hope all is okay!
That man( I just dont know what to call him) came home drunk last night, and belowed out a barrel of abusers, I couldnt take it so tuck my nose in somewine...it was" its you that makes the mess balh blah blah...and moaned on about how the kitchen was in a mess, the kitchen was in a bit of a mess right enogh, beca had empty all the recycling packaging all over the floor and I hadnt done the dinners dishes, ( so got bellowe dout for that...Then got shouted at for feeding the girls his pizza.....and some, eventually he hcalmes down and came out with, "mum only got months"......"Thatsa what im dealing with".....anyway, Nightmare, .....I dont know was I supposed to cuddle him? Anyway, I couldnt, I went off and did some dishes..had a little cry then went to bes. WHAT A b***h-EH?
Anyway, selfish sally me continues.....okay, so Ive been doing this choking on my otngue sensation thing, it just happens, as though you cant brethe and your tongue has got stuck...well its worse when im tired, so ok, im so sick of it, because when you cough and feelin lke your choking to death and your tongue is rolling back and you hear you ear wax popping and you cant breathe, so you cough harde, and so on...I found if you rub the back of your neck..it helps, it seems to stop my tongue from rolling.
Okay, ive not doen any work in some time, infactsince having had that check up , ive been sleeping constsantly.
The horrible thing is, when I say I cant imagine what he is going thorugh-i can! I wouldnt want it for anyone! Enough said! Ill worry for my girls though
Got a cold again!
Oh it sfunny coming here, im going to have to stop and save some info for my diary...that place is a bit more me than this....anyway hope all is okay!
This isnt funny!!!!!! Nt again-tried to get to shop to get ice creamso I could sit outside and read my book in the sun. I made it haldf way and I couldnt brethe...I did manage to carry on , but by this time I was extrmley dizzie, made it to shop, bought disgusting ice cream , refused to wlak home the same way , used every wall and every building to get therer, It was a nightmare Shopassistant asked me a question i couldnt talk, because I couldnt breathe , anywaym , just before coming home, I had a road to cross...went dizze again-I dont know if I wobble, anyway, im sure I do because im sure the gorund gets closer, anyway, got home and now I want to cry..its nearly summer again and I dont want to go throught the same as last year!
This is mad! My girls have gone away for a few nights to their grannies ( again!) Ive essays to do etc and party to organise-but b****r -last night I was so crampes up - I ended up going ot bed witha hot water bottle and a bag of frozen peas. I woke this morning at 4am -just cant sleep -w orried about everything!
Thought I was going to end up in a coma I felt so tired-well back to work today- im glad - gets me out this place, and my job is really just a bit of fun.
Ex went to bed at around 7pm last nightand didnt come out of his room. ( Which was ok, but at the ame time I listened in for the his door opening all the timeI miss my girls-Ive hardly seem this holiday. Got to go!
Thought I was going to end up in a coma I felt so tired-well back to work today- im glad - gets me out this place, and my job is really just a bit of fun.
Ex went to bed at around 7pm last nightand didnt come out of his room. ( Which was ok, but at the ame time I listened in for the his door opening all the timeI miss my girls-Ive hardly seem this holiday. Got to go!
Grrrr! i dont think this is panic at all-I think its me eyes. Whatever starts it, it does trugger my silly breathing thing. Anyway, so much for being embarassed and trying to hide it...nope - I could not cross the road!
Pfff! This is my diary! I feel really sick GOD KNOWS HOW HE IS FEELING/!) he got news,mydaughters 10th birthday, his mum is nil by mouth, and has 5 days left!
Ive tod him to get signed off-Ive told him-but f**k knows what he is going through, and in all decency pls delete this!
Im shocked! Nevermind the rest. Tired/depressed/cant cross roads/got to get to Cali tom to jand in hard copy of rubbish essay thats probably going to fail..Im going to talk to my tutors too..I now have to be STRONG! Sod the lamposts!
hes also got a bad cough! I am so worried! So of the beat! Selfish me wants a hug! I cant hug him -thats so bad-isnt it?
Ive tod him to get signed off-Ive told him-but f**k knows what he is going through, and in all decency pls delete this!
Im shocked! Nevermind the rest. Tired/depressed/cant cross roads/got to get to Cali tom to jand in hard copy of rubbish essay thats probably going to fail..Im going to talk to my tutors too..I now have to be STRONG! Sod the lamposts!
hes also got a bad cough! I am so worried! So of the beat! Selfish me wants a hug! I cant hug him -thats so bad-isnt it?
IF that was you Katy he would step over you on the way out the door! It is terrible his mom is dying, but he has let you die a LONG time ago and never shed a tear for you! IF you give him an inch - even while he's hurting - he WILL use it against you! You have been left alone and terrorized by him for so long, now it's his turn to have NO ONE! IF he neds someone let him go to his girlfriend! AND be ready to call the Police as I'm sure he is going to get SO drunk and become VERY violent! As this is a normal thing for a selfish person, even though they MAY be hurting they HAVE to bring the spotlight back on themselves and cause havoc! So be away from him as much as possible! You know what I think about your physical state! So it is upto you when you are finally willing to come clean with ALL the doctors and tell them what you are doing and for them to help you!
Hi Dawn - hmm selfishly been cryiing about the state of affairs here. Im supposed to be in uni but still here in edinburgh-couldnt get my selfish butt out of bed and cant stop thinking about his mum ( weird!) Ive earache too and it goes from left to right but its not that bad-also I awoke this morning ( or am I awake, really not sure) but I woke with this concorde thing on my face, my nose.........I look like barbra strissen on a bad day. Im selfishly going to Uni and handing in essay and selfishly goint to ask for YET yes andother extension.
I cant believe this news. One minute she was il, the next given 12 months , now days! And sorry, but my grandad was given 2 months and laste dout nearly 9-could this be the case??? its got to go one way or another though-and it just sounds like torture...."nil by mouth " ....I dont get that, why starve someone to death! Why cant they let her eat so that her body could at least try and fight 9 even if she is sick) I dont get that at all!!!!!
Okay, my wrists are achey and I better go and get on with the day. the worst bit will be telling my girls-how the hell do you tell a 7 yr old this? A ten year old???
I cant believe this news. One minute she was il, the next given 12 months , now days! And sorry, but my grandad was given 2 months and laste dout nearly 9-could this be the case??? its got to go one way or another though-and it just sounds like torture...."nil by mouth " ....I dont get that, why starve someone to death! Why cant they let her eat so that her body could at least try and fight 9 even if she is sick) I dont get that at all!!!!!
Okay, my wrists are achey and I better go and get on with the day. the worst bit will be telling my girls-how the hell do you tell a 7 yr old this? A ten year old???
Right-Ive taken my pill-my nose looks really swollen -or is just I have a big nose! I fel like all my organs have been taken out and replaced with air and my neck feels a little sore...(please god \I beg you dont let me panic on the way to college-Im missin a lecture right now and usually im really really determined to get there-just could not. Im even dreading the walk to the bus station.
Funny thing though ( im such a selfish cow!) My dad is coming over to wish Alex a happy birthday. ive been warned.. @ crutches and a smellie stuckie- he makes me laugh! I think he took ihis botched operation with good heart. I look forward to seing my dad- I just like how he is open with me, He tells me how it is.
Im a verified ginger....my hair has gone ginger.The dye is washing out and I look like a true scots ( ooooooooooooohhhhhhh dear!) But hey my grandad would approve.
oh I forgot to mention the movies, we wen yesterday and watched an epic"how to train your dragon" ( its funny I always get dragons and dinosaurs confused-but I found it totally emotional ( maybe its just my mind!-No one else sat crying
When I got back I submitted an essay and i ot a 13% "Originality report status" I still don tknow what that menas, but had to email some students to make sure I hadnt plagarised-even the fact I doubt myown work proves that it cant be that good1...Anyway, on that note I better go!!!Hope you and all your family are well. I dont know but citalopram seems to be knocking me out ...does that mean its too strong?
Funny thing though ( im such a selfish cow!) My dad is coming over to wish Alex a happy birthday. ive been warned.. @ crutches and a smellie stuckie- he makes me laugh! I think he took ihis botched operation with good heart. I look forward to seing my dad- I just like how he is open with me, He tells me how it is.
Im a verified ginger....my hair has gone ginger.The dye is washing out and I look like a true scots ( ooooooooooooohhhhhhh dear!) But hey my grandad would approve.
oh I forgot to mention the movies, we wen yesterday and watched an epic"how to train your dragon" ( its funny I always get dragons and dinosaurs confused-but I found it totally emotional ( maybe its just my mind!-No one else sat crying
When I got back I submitted an essay and i ot a 13% "Originality report status" I still don tknow what that menas, but had to email some students to make sure I hadnt plagarised-even the fact I doubt myown work proves that it cant be that good1...Anyway, on that note I better go!!!Hope you and all your family are well. I dont know but citalopram seems to be knocking me out ...does that mean its too strong?
My balance is off again-but even though I get that urgh exhausted feeling , empty hollowed out feeling, biting my teeth together and chioking on my tongue -im all right!
Some people can be so kind though. Gosh, I was stuggling to do the steps in Uni and i dont know if anyone noticed -but thats apraxia-and im not jjoking my spatial awareness has gone to the planets not otherwise specified and and..im startving...okay ....im just so tired....spoke to course coordinator and she was quite understanding considering everything...But what a laugh I had today...I dont know Ive decided to do a diisertation on faking illness, can mental illnessreally be acted out? A comparison between patients in a psychiatric ward and actors in Hollywood.....and the gvt can damn well pay for uit and stop spending our taxes on sh*t!!!!!!Ah erll huh -bad joke , but its be a good chance to go to America! I did say Ive gone to a planet ....cause thats how I feel! I feeel like a really ugly freak right now. hmmmm....Why do I find this traumatic? That is Icant stop thinking about his mum and just about everything and it mangles into a furball thats got stuck high up in my asophagus ( is that how you spell that? ) Anyway......got to go dawn hope you and family are good. Take care!
Some people can be so kind though. Gosh, I was stuggling to do the steps in Uni and i dont know if anyone noticed -but thats apraxia-and im not jjoking my spatial awareness has gone to the planets not otherwise specified and and..im startving...okay ....im just so tired....spoke to course coordinator and she was quite understanding considering everything...But what a laugh I had today...I dont know Ive decided to do a diisertation on faking illness, can mental illnessreally be acted out? A comparison between patients in a psychiatric ward and actors in Hollywood.....and the gvt can damn well pay for uit and stop spending our taxes on sh*t!!!!!!Ah erll huh -bad joke , but its be a good chance to go to America! I did say Ive gone to a planet ....cause thats how I feel! I feeel like a really ugly freak right now. hmmmm....Why do I find this traumatic? That is Icant stop thinking about his mum and just about everything and it mangles into a furball thats got stuck high up in my asophagus ( is that how you spell that? ) Anyway......got to go dawn hope you and family are good. Take care!
Its strange the way thing workout! Im feeling really sad-I want to cry -but quirtly but cant!
Im thinking and wondering what the hell am I going to do- the only place I feel valued is at college! Even the staff there are lovely to me , and I love that sense of confidence it gives me. its funny as I didnt really feel like talking much-then when I did sporadic words spewed from my mouth until I was understood ( which was fabulous! In fact, it got really really funny( still I felt like a freak, but the tutor and she is one lovely lady , put me at my ease. I felt like she could be a really good friend of mine rather thatn a teacher to me( obviously I would never say so) but what an amazing lady. She reminds me a little of you Dawn! Patient, kind and just takes that time to understand between the lines!
Im a bit ashamed that I handed a pretty poor esay in , but was amazed that i didnt get a bigger originallity report stats! Apparently thats a good thing having a low stats , it means its not plagarised or something. What I did was use my dichtophone as I got fed up reading and reading and nothing was going in, then Id write it down, some of it went in , but not the usual amount , and then when I pre read it I mad echanges and sentences were no longer sentences so god only knows if it will pass
anyway, Im extremly jumpy tonight-have been all day. it reminds me of when I was about 5 and any time a big vehicle went passed me Id literally jump in the air! My mum and dad arent surprised that I am the way I am .
Anyway, I cant stop thinking about his mum and I feel so selfish-hes not been home sinec he left this afternoon. So hes either getting extremley pissed or the worst has happened!
I find it hard because deep deep inside of me I know he will have been the onl man to get this close to me, yet so now very dispartite! I think he thinks we are still together, and I think thsi situation in his mind is acceptable so he will be expecting support and i dont mind giving support but I cant/want go back. its a really hard thing to explain. its one reason why i fell for him-I could always see the little boy in him-the insecure but secure man -that instilled that childlike energy. But b****r, its not worth it for me- is it?
Im back to cuddling lamposts and wondering if I should bother my odctor again-but not so sure, im tryning to stay away from the gps as my medical record must , it must have that "I am at it syndrome: Im sure of it. i hope not-as I myself know ever since my mum went through her stuff that I was not handling things the way a mature 30 yr old should and really it is important to me to find that this isnt the case. if it is the case, well will I ever know?!
Anyway, Im sharing the good and the bad times with you dawn-I thought it funny as I dont yet have a dissertation propsal or supervisor-I need to sort that out befor I am completely bankrupt. Right well, we got talking in a seminar-and I am fed up with psychology students been sen as the pretnetious fellows when if you wnat it to worl you really have to work in pretty off set conditoins-anyway, so that when I said it....we were talking about "faking illness...Lol and I cam e up with as you knoe the actors thing...but I forgot to say while I said it there were wolf whistles outside and I honestly nearly wet myself...my hair is red and I think my face went redder! It was just one of those things that I will always remeber now! Its funny thoug-as its the only subject I care to reallyreally listen, its the only subject i am really interested in! But my problem is the pictures of the anatomomy ...a pictue of the patients brain with dementai ( or not) and a normal picture was shown -owe my god hold the puke. Everytime Illoked I just thought -thats it-im going to barf right here nad right now and I dont care what anyone else thinks because ill feel better afterwards! Luckily I didnt-but im so squeamish its ridiculous!
I did say that they think his mum only has 5 days but then I gave it some thought- they are not gosd, they dont know everything-but then panic tonight as no contact. There are things spinning in my head about her, memories everything ( dont get me wrong- I wasnt that close- but things are spinning) and I cant walk AGAIN! What am I going to do. the scariest thing about it-is crossing roads-I cant trun my head to check for cars because I go so dizzie then cant move, so then I try and cross.I could get hit by a fast moving thing! Sorry got to go
Im thinking and wondering what the hell am I going to do- the only place I feel valued is at college! Even the staff there are lovely to me , and I love that sense of confidence it gives me. its funny as I didnt really feel like talking much-then when I did sporadic words spewed from my mouth until I was understood ( which was fabulous! In fact, it got really really funny( still I felt like a freak, but the tutor and she is one lovely lady , put me at my ease. I felt like she could be a really good friend of mine rather thatn a teacher to me( obviously I would never say so) but what an amazing lady. She reminds me a little of you Dawn! Patient, kind and just takes that time to understand between the lines!
Im a bit ashamed that I handed a pretty poor esay in , but was amazed that i didnt get a bigger originallity report stats! Apparently thats a good thing having a low stats , it means its not plagarised or something. What I did was use my dichtophone as I got fed up reading and reading and nothing was going in, then Id write it down, some of it went in , but not the usual amount , and then when I pre read it I mad echanges and sentences were no longer sentences so god only knows if it will pass
anyway, Im extremly jumpy tonight-have been all day. it reminds me of when I was about 5 and any time a big vehicle went passed me Id literally jump in the air! My mum and dad arent surprised that I am the way I am .
Anyway, I cant stop thinking about his mum and I feel so selfish-hes not been home sinec he left this afternoon. So hes either getting extremley pissed or the worst has happened!
I find it hard because deep deep inside of me I know he will have been the onl man to get this close to me, yet so now very dispartite! I think he thinks we are still together, and I think thsi situation in his mind is acceptable so he will be expecting support and i dont mind giving support but I cant/want go back. its a really hard thing to explain. its one reason why i fell for him-I could always see the little boy in him-the insecure but secure man -that instilled that childlike energy. But b****r, its not worth it for me- is it?
Im back to cuddling lamposts and wondering if I should bother my odctor again-but not so sure, im tryning to stay away from the gps as my medical record must , it must have that "I am at it syndrome: Im sure of it. i hope not-as I myself know ever since my mum went through her stuff that I was not handling things the way a mature 30 yr old should and really it is important to me to find that this isnt the case. if it is the case, well will I ever know?!
Anyway, Im sharing the good and the bad times with you dawn-I thought it funny as I dont yet have a dissertation propsal or supervisor-I need to sort that out befor I am completely bankrupt. Right well, we got talking in a seminar-and I am fed up with psychology students been sen as the pretnetious fellows when if you wnat it to worl you really have to work in pretty off set conditoins-anyway, so that when I said it....we were talking about "faking illness...Lol and I cam e up with as you knoe the actors thing...but I forgot to say while I said it there were wolf whistles outside and I honestly nearly wet myself...my hair is red and I think my face went redder! It was just one of those things that I will always remeber now! Its funny thoug-as its the only subject I care to reallyreally listen, its the only subject i am really interested in! But my problem is the pictures of the anatomomy ...a pictue of the patients brain with dementai ( or not) and a normal picture was shown -owe my god hold the puke. Everytime Illoked I just thought -thats it-im going to barf right here nad right now and I dont care what anyone else thinks because ill feel better afterwards! Luckily I didnt-but im so squeamish its ridiculous!
I did say that they think his mum only has 5 days but then I gave it some thought- they are not gosd, they dont know everything-but then panic tonight as no contact. There are things spinning in my head about her, memories everything ( dont get me wrong- I wasnt that close- but things are spinning) and I cant walk AGAIN! What am I going to do. the scariest thing about it-is crossing roads-I cant trun my head to check for cars because I go so dizzie then cant move, so then I try and cross.I could get hit by a fast moving thing! Sorry got to go
Euch -what a night! Hes been told some really rough stuff! its so awful!
Anyway, he comes home late at night and goes into the grls room. He wakes Rebecca.....(Omg0 she wakes with a fight and projects vomit out at I dont know what...im still waiting on the head to spin......its funny, im worse with cat puke than I am with my own daughters...I mean I gag on the street if I see a pile of puke, but when its my children i just get on with it, cuddle them and keep them warm( being sick has to be the worst!).
Anyway, yet again my period has gone and ive got strange sensations in my boob, and its not right and its really annoying and I know something just isnt right. Why ingods name didnt they just scan the whole thing? Why did they ask"where abouts"and why ??? Because they are trying to save money????? Or because they cant bebothered????? Or because ive abused myself and ive just to rot and die??? On the same norte, I dont want to moan on about it because I dont want to go through that againm and I dont want people to find anything anyway, but why did they have to draw a happy smiley face on the bit ( I THOUGHT was wrong) and only scan that part0 See thats not right, they are supposed to be the experts , not me.
Anyway, Becca is on the couch ...owe will I ever see her in the same light again---she had sick on her eye lashes...( it came out that fast)
Anyway, he comes home late at night and goes into the grls room. He wakes Rebecca.....(Omg0 she wakes with a fight and projects vomit out at I dont know what...im still waiting on the head to spin......its funny, im worse with cat puke than I am with my own daughters...I mean I gag on the street if I see a pile of puke, but when its my children i just get on with it, cuddle them and keep them warm( being sick has to be the worst!).
Anyway, yet again my period has gone and ive got strange sensations in my boob, and its not right and its really annoying and I know something just isnt right. Why ingods name didnt they just scan the whole thing? Why did they ask"where abouts"and why ??? Because they are trying to save money????? Or because they cant bebothered????? Or because ive abused myself and ive just to rot and die??? On the same norte, I dont want to moan on about it because I dont want to go through that againm and I dont want people to find anything anyway, but why did they have to draw a happy smiley face on the bit ( I THOUGHT was wrong) and only scan that part0 See thats not right, they are supposed to be the experts , not me.
Anyway, Becca is on the couch ...owe will I ever see her in the same light again---she had sick on her eye lashes...( it came out that fast)