I am such a weak cow!!! Hes just called me lazy-and i went off on one-I mean crying. i think ive got beccas bug all i can tatse is sickness!
This is really weird. Ive pain in my eyebrow and its making my head ache, when I rub my eyebrow it takes the pain away!
Im worried Ive cancer of the brain or something-im so dizzie-or is it in my eyes. is something happeinning in my eyes..Is it possible that theres something there is that why I cant balance? I dont want to think its neurological-it just cant be!
Im worried Ive cancer of the brain or something-im so dizzie-or is it in my eyes. is something happeinning in my eyes..Is it possible that theres something there is that why I cant balance? I dont want to think its neurological-it just cant be!
This is really weird! I keep having nightmares and hearing things that I shoudnt be!
This is strange-I think that stuff is helping me through this because I feel like there is a brick wall in front of me, but its not going to stop me trying to climb it. I dont know what the matter with me is..I really dont. I am feeling really bad for him, Its so horrible that there arent really any good words to describe it!
This morning I felt so achey! Eyeballs wide ( like a real druggie -whoops I forgot im one of them) and I keepp choking coughing but its as though I cant breath-trying to cough up something -a bit like a cat trying to release a fur ball! Yes, it is confirmed I have furball-maybe I do as my cat is malting really bady and has been sleeping on me for hours . Im supposed to be doing uni work but cant face it just now.Thats realy bad-why I cant get up and just get on with it-why??????I mean its not my mum!!!!!!!! Hm, i keep getting cracking noises in my sinuses-feels like concrete cracking, and big red spot on my nose ( I cant get rid off0I never had this big red spot on my nose until i started taking this stuff!
One good thing though is I really dont want a drink-im now witnessing what liver cancer is like and its a real horrible way to go-but then again tell me a nice way to go.
This morning I felt so achey! Eyeballs wide ( like a real druggie -whoops I forgot im one of them) and I keepp choking coughing but its as though I cant breath-trying to cough up something -a bit like a cat trying to release a fur ball! Yes, it is confirmed I have furball-maybe I do as my cat is malting really bady and has been sleeping on me for hours . Im supposed to be doing uni work but cant face it just now.Thats realy bad-why I cant get up and just get on with it-why??????I mean its not my mum!!!!!!!! Hm, i keep getting cracking noises in my sinuses-feels like concrete cracking, and big red spot on my nose ( I cant get rid off0I never had this big red spot on my nose until i started taking this stuff!
One good thing though is I really dont want a drink-im now witnessing what liver cancer is like and its a real horrible way to go-but then again tell me a nice way to go.
I dont know if its my nereves or what it is or if I have a wee bug. I am feeling really sick! Had the skits 6 maybe more times last night and I cant get my head round things. Then at middnight you could hear Becca cuoughing in her room and puke everywhere, she still looks ill today. Is this syptomatic of whats going on or is this a bug?
I really dont understand what is going on!
Ive sent Becca to school after 4 days of not eating and pumped her full of lucozade=shes managed the day! Im worried that this is aas a result of his mum.
Im not feeling to great myself-extremley dizzy and could barely walk home from work.
I asked for an extension for my coursework and I need to provide evedience-what do they want blood samples?
Ive sent Becca to school after 4 days of not eating and pumped her full of lucozade=shes managed the day! Im worried that this is aas a result of his mum.
Im not feeling to great myself-extremley dizzy and could barely walk home from work.
I asked for an extension for my coursework and I need to provide evedience-what do they want blood samples?
This is weird! No word from him-hes been away all day-Im worried-I have a rotten feeling in the pitt of my stomach and the spring birds are twittering as though a signal is warning me! I could be completely wrong. Im just really really worried! My eldest now has the bug!
I was right!!!!! She passed awy this evening! o.O :-( :-( Please feel free to delete this!
That is so sad! BUT be prepared for him to be the worst he's ever been and be prepared to phone the police if he gets out of hand OK? He will use any excuse he can and he will take out ALL his sorrow on you I guarantee it! BE CAREFUL!
Hey, what a awful time! I cant go into it-put it this way Ive been loosing my balance all day. I dont know what to do, and sometimes I think maybe we could sort it......also selfishly Im going to have to ask for a doctors certificate so I can get an extension - that just seems ridiculously selfish.
Cried all day-and the longest hour of my life was telling the girls! I cant describe how that felt..actually im not very articulate today at all-cant understand why im so upset about all of this and aso on...Then and maybe its cause I come here, I can manage a laugh-change the subject because it gets so intense you feel like your head is going to bounce on the opavement...well mine might right enough,,,feels like a flippin bouncy ball. Hope Dawn you are all right..I guess we just have to get through it!
Cried all day-and the longest hour of my life was telling the girls! I cant describe how that felt..actually im not very articulate today at all-cant understand why im so upset about all of this and aso on...Then and maybe its cause I come here, I can manage a laugh-change the subject because it gets so intense you feel like your head is going to bounce on the opavement...well mine might right enough,,,feels like a flippin bouncy ball. Hope Dawn you are all right..I guess we just have to get through it!
This is mental! Right I have found lumps again in my chest-theyre definately there, im either going totally crazy , but im sure im not! I jusr dont have any faith-or is it I am just attention seeking-I dont know....Ill stay stoom about it -ive had it checked -it must be okay! Is it my mind distracting me from al of this and telling me to be selfish and to watch out????? Is it??? And right now I feleel really really guilty for this-for talking about him behind his back. I should have stayed quiet -its made everything more complicated, and I was thinking -does nt his behaviour mean that he has bbeen abused somewhere along his life himself? Depressed Confused and I feel like a true b***h! But he still did what he did and that still hurts but its not the same as al this stuff. or maybe its changing him, weve been making an effort to be nice to each other and its worked for a bit, then something scathing willl pop out and I just think gggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!1So Lost and I dont understand why his mums death affects me so much0im not coping very well! Crying and sleeping isnt really coping-why cant I cope like other people? I need to be strong for him and my girls , why am I so weak? SWining from lampost and bering collected by your steet corner shop assistants isnt coping either-it just isnt. Im calmer about it all, aI can even laugh about it thanks to you Dawn-but I can also cry about ot too and get extremleyscared now about doing things.Its like ive been on autopilot in my day to day living for years and suddenly when I need it to work ive switched all engines of and I come across as an abnoxious b***h! Do you think I am? Im even scared to be grieving for his mum -what right do I have to do this? and why do I feel the need to do this? OI dont feel like I should have any right and secondly really dont think i feel the need to but seem to be anywayand that to me seems selfish I guess it depends , maybe by getting it out here and a good nights sleep il be better in the morning Nope I can definatley feel a lump on the bone line of my chhest. Ignore itIt must be my horrible mind playing tricks on me-its the only explanation!~ Sorry for alll this.
I dont know. Hes up and doing things, ive just taken the girls to school and cant handle anything-also feel like ive a cold . Its stupid really! I just cant shake myself better and im so angry. My eldest didnt take the news awfully well, but she spoke to me about how she felt. The youngest - I think she just wanted things the same. I dont know what to do. i cant work, Ive been billed for my sourse that im not going to complete. Im too ashamed to go back and ask for my doctor to help me-I cant go there whinning about every little thing. Im really really tired and cant see a point to anything. Whats the poitn? What is the point???There just isnt a point. I want to be able to CARRY ON, take this normally-you know like a mature hunma ADULT-but nope not me. I cant handle this !!!! i dont feel normal in anyway, shappe sixe or anything, and I cant even dress mtself properly! Myabe I jsut need a distractino..nope ove got loads of them.I cant work it out. im going to bed now-and I dont know if ill ever get up again!
Eldest got sent home from school-not feeling well. Al curled up on sofa with duvet on and eating soup.
Okay, ive not been drinking ( as much) but right as I went to get her..I was in a lane with treses on either side and just felt so faint, happened yesterday too and im sick of it. I think its my eyes. It makes sense because ive got no peripheral vision on my left side -if ive a really bad stigma-whic h Ive been told I do, would this cause this imbalance? I just wonder-I cant fdrive cause of this. Itd be so good if I could drive.If I could drive I could drive home and back in a day, just imagaine that.... I cant imagine what itd be like to have that extra independence.
Right what am I doing???? Im going to go write my essy now-ill be okay. alexx will sleep and watch a movie I can do it. Okay it want be my best effort but so what!
Okay, ive not been drinking ( as much) but right as I went to get her..I was in a lane with treses on either side and just felt so faint, happened yesterday too and im sick of it. I think its my eyes. It makes sense because ive got no peripheral vision on my left side -if ive a really bad stigma-whic h Ive been told I do, would this cause this imbalance? I just wonder-I cant fdrive cause of this. Itd be so good if I could drive.If I could drive I could drive home and back in a day, just imagaine that.... I cant imagine what itd be like to have that extra independence.
Right what am I doing???? Im going to go write my essy now-ill be okay. alexx will sleep and watch a movie I can do it. Okay it want be my best effort but so what!
Dear Bambi27-please help me! I cant imagne the pain my "so called partner is in" and I ahte seeing anyone in pain like this. I have to tell you out of the 4 children his mother had, and he was the one neglected, that he was the one that stood by her through eveyrthing. i stayed up as I know the gruesomes ( I watched my grandad die) so I knew about the emptying out thing and the almost ( as though theyve murdered/poisoned her ( feelings...anyway, Id rang my gps and Im really upset , just about everything..I cant explain , its long complicated and sad, but U dont think he should have to go to the wake...anyway. my gp rag, and I had asked for a note to get an extension on my essays etc...I dont htink he got me.....I dont know ..he asked me if they knew about my drinking ...I just felt like the world was agaianst me" course im not going to tell them im an addict..I think its best fro me to deal with it in my own way@..anyway by the end of the conversation , not that i even think it was, I felt bullied by my very own doctor , he fed me al negatives of what I do to myself , so I just siad "bye" put the phone down and howled....got angry did some work - the anger was more at me more than anything, then thought sod it- ill not bother ill cram it in. then puked , then went to pick up note..I feel so sad!
Of course your sad, you are sad about the relationship, the pain he is in, that you can't really help him - or perhaps don't want to because hasn't with you - and also that this thought and feeling is making you feel worse about yourself!
You ARE an alcoholic Katie - you know it too - BUT you haven't hit bottom yet so dont want to be told what to do! Your drinking is doing all of this medical things with you - also your mental agony that you have been in! You have been like this for almost a year - on here anyway - and you have gotten worse! I told you before to come clean TOTALLY with your GP - even let him read these "thoughts" BUT you just tell him little bits here and there - and no one believe them! Like Peter crying wolf sort of thing!
I feel for him! Yet I don't, he has inflicted as much pain on you and more, than he is going through now! His mom is dead - which of course is VERY sad - BUT he has watched you and helped you die for a LONG time! Your life is SO sickly and sad, how can you possibly feel any different? When we first started talking I told you that you had a BAD anxiety disorder - and I still stand by that! What I dont' get is why NONE of these people/strangers that have helped you on the street have called an ambulance?!!! I think you should change doctors - go to a new one and let them know the TRUTH! IF you show the truth, yet lie about what is REALLY going on, these people aren't stupid and eventually get fed up of listening to it! They CANT help you without you being open! I know you use this site to have a ramble or like a diary! BUT some of it is REALLY hard to read and understand! You excuse ALL your behaviour and problems on the pills trying to stop you from feeling this way - even though you have had the SAME symptoms even before you started the pills!
I am REALLY getting worried about your girls! They seem to have started with similar symtpoms to yourself - being sickly etc etc. This is NOT good Katy! I know bugs go around, but you have mentioned a LOT about the girls vommiting and having a "bug" i am worried that they are dealing with ALL of this sadness and hatred and self loathing as the same way you are - being sick, vomitting, staying home etc. My heart breaks for all of you! I was hoping that you could get out on your own by now, but I think you don't want that, thus not putting in an application form etc. And remember I have family over there and KNOW that you CAN get emergency housing for you and the kids! So I KNOW that you don't really want this, and were hoping that he would FINALLY change and be a decent human being! That is NOT going to happen at ALL!
You need MAJOR medical/mental/emotional help Katy - it HAS to be you first that gets the help to be stronger so you CAN stop this dysfunction with your girls! I KNOW you love your girls, BUT I don't think you can see the trees for the forest! I think you can't see that their health is deterioating be it mental or physcial or emotional! This will have DEVESTATING effects on ALL of you, if you two can't pull together and STOP this insanity! It IS destroying you - and probably him too! What a TERRIBLE place to be in! You should have had your own apartment by now! BUT I understand why you can't - you qre NOT ready to move on, nor are capable ESPECIALLY mentally/emotionally! You NEED to get some MAJOR help Katy - you need to ask professional psycologists/psychiatrists and TELL them what you are feeling, thinking, and going through - they CAN and will help you with better medicatons! You CANT do this by yourself - you have proven that - you can't do this with the occaisional drink - you have proved that - ALL of this c**p is TOO MUCH for 1 person to go through! And NOW ALL of those terrible things you feel and are enduring the girls are too! Do you WANT them to end up in the same way Katie? Then GET HELP! Not him JUST you!
That is why I had to stop conversing with you before - as you weren't getting help! So I started thinking that you were crying wolf! And it became too frustrating to hear! Which I'm sure your doctor feels the same way - he KNOWS you have problems, but you don't go in there for the MAJOR stuff, just minor here and there! So he is now getting frustrated - like saying "do they know about your drinking" He is pushing that out in your direction, he is being cold and slapping you back with stuff that he knows about! It's not right, BUT he is fed up of you not being honest! And this is his bad attempt at making you tell the truth to everyone! You ARE an addict Katy - to Alcohol, Abuse, Depression and Self Loathing! That IS the truth and you know it! The hatred you have for yourself comes out in your skin and your actions! It is totally overtaking your life!
So start writing down your problems and perhaps write it to your doctor - so he FINALLY knows what is going on with you!
Sorry but BIG hugs honey! I REALLY Want you to be better than you are!
You ARE an alcoholic Katie - you know it too - BUT you haven't hit bottom yet so dont want to be told what to do! Your drinking is doing all of this medical things with you - also your mental agony that you have been in! You have been like this for almost a year - on here anyway - and you have gotten worse! I told you before to come clean TOTALLY with your GP - even let him read these "thoughts" BUT you just tell him little bits here and there - and no one believe them! Like Peter crying wolf sort of thing!
I feel for him! Yet I don't, he has inflicted as much pain on you and more, than he is going through now! His mom is dead - which of course is VERY sad - BUT he has watched you and helped you die for a LONG time! Your life is SO sickly and sad, how can you possibly feel any different? When we first started talking I told you that you had a BAD anxiety disorder - and I still stand by that! What I dont' get is why NONE of these people/strangers that have helped you on the street have called an ambulance?!!! I think you should change doctors - go to a new one and let them know the TRUTH! IF you show the truth, yet lie about what is REALLY going on, these people aren't stupid and eventually get fed up of listening to it! They CANT help you without you being open! I know you use this site to have a ramble or like a diary! BUT some of it is REALLY hard to read and understand! You excuse ALL your behaviour and problems on the pills trying to stop you from feeling this way - even though you have had the SAME symptoms even before you started the pills!
I am REALLY getting worried about your girls! They seem to have started with similar symtpoms to yourself - being sickly etc etc. This is NOT good Katy! I know bugs go around, but you have mentioned a LOT about the girls vommiting and having a "bug" i am worried that they are dealing with ALL of this sadness and hatred and self loathing as the same way you are - being sick, vomitting, staying home etc. My heart breaks for all of you! I was hoping that you could get out on your own by now, but I think you don't want that, thus not putting in an application form etc. And remember I have family over there and KNOW that you CAN get emergency housing for you and the kids! So I KNOW that you don't really want this, and were hoping that he would FINALLY change and be a decent human being! That is NOT going to happen at ALL!
You need MAJOR medical/mental/emotional help Katy - it HAS to be you first that gets the help to be stronger so you CAN stop this dysfunction with your girls! I KNOW you love your girls, BUT I don't think you can see the trees for the forest! I think you can't see that their health is deterioating be it mental or physcial or emotional! This will have DEVESTATING effects on ALL of you, if you two can't pull together and STOP this insanity! It IS destroying you - and probably him too! What a TERRIBLE place to be in! You should have had your own apartment by now! BUT I understand why you can't - you qre NOT ready to move on, nor are capable ESPECIALLY mentally/emotionally! You NEED to get some MAJOR help Katy - you need to ask professional psycologists/psychiatrists and TELL them what you are feeling, thinking, and going through - they CAN and will help you with better medicatons! You CANT do this by yourself - you have proven that - you can't do this with the occaisional drink - you have proved that - ALL of this c**p is TOO MUCH for 1 person to go through! And NOW ALL of those terrible things you feel and are enduring the girls are too! Do you WANT them to end up in the same way Katie? Then GET HELP! Not him JUST you!
That is why I had to stop conversing with you before - as you weren't getting help! So I started thinking that you were crying wolf! And it became too frustrating to hear! Which I'm sure your doctor feels the same way - he KNOWS you have problems, but you don't go in there for the MAJOR stuff, just minor here and there! So he is now getting frustrated - like saying "do they know about your drinking" He is pushing that out in your direction, he is being cold and slapping you back with stuff that he knows about! It's not right, BUT he is fed up of you not being honest! And this is his bad attempt at making you tell the truth to everyone! You ARE an addict Katy - to Alcohol, Abuse, Depression and Self Loathing! That IS the truth and you know it! The hatred you have for yourself comes out in your skin and your actions! It is totally overtaking your life!
So start writing down your problems and perhaps write it to your doctor - so he FINALLY knows what is going on with you!
Sorry but BIG hugs honey! I REALLY Want you to be better than you are!