My balance seems worse than ever. How long will I be like this??????My nose feels realy sore to, and every time I blow it..it bleeds ( just little bits) Its disgusting!!!!
Anyway, iam stickoing my grounding...and why shouldnt I? I mean, yes this letter ( well i would be very upet if someone were to write that about me...and so on,,though at the same time Id never be able to leave an important document alone, knowing that its from a solicitors. I almost feel like this is just another way of twisting the knife......You know? '''If I ignore it then it want happen" Well thats a bit like growing a cnacer!!!!
Mums really annoying me just now. My happiness had never been importnant to her, and the truth be told I always tried to please others, than please myself...well, now I am a selfish b from hell.
My children gor great report cards from school and I cried when I read my eldests.... The teacher obviusly respected her..|Well done Alex for all your hard workleading to you doing really well at school. It has been a pleasure teaching you" (Aaaaaaaaaaaw) Thats my gal!!!!
I cycled to Hosuing office/got another housing application form...I dont think it right that a woman with 2 children should have to leave their security behnind as hes a ..( Oh nevermindthat) I just dont think that thats right.....there should be a law against it!!! Fair enough, every coin has more than one face, but flip thatoover 2xs thanks.....
Anyway, iam stickoing my grounding...and why shouldnt I? I mean, yes this letter ( well i would be very upet if someone were to write that about me...and so on,,though at the same time Id never be able to leave an important document alone, knowing that its from a solicitors. I almost feel like this is just another way of twisting the knife......You know? '''If I ignore it then it want happen" Well thats a bit like growing a cnacer!!!!
Mums really annoying me just now. My happiness had never been importnant to her, and the truth be told I always tried to please others, than please myself...well, now I am a selfish b from hell.
My children gor great report cards from school and I cried when I read my eldests.... The teacher obviusly respected her..|Well done Alex for all your hard workleading to you doing really well at school. It has been a pleasure teaching you" (Aaaaaaaaaaaw) Thats my gal!!!!
I cycled to Hosuing office/got another housing application form...I dont think it right that a woman with 2 children should have to leave their security behnind as hes a ..( Oh nevermindthat) I just dont think that thats right.....there should be a law against it!!! Fair enough, every coin has more than one face, but flip thatoover 2xs thanks.....
I now have no clue, if hes( my partner has read that letter).I deliberatley warned him prior to gettin it..but I dont think hes going to do anything. And thats making my blood pressure reach theneverending space odyssey. Maybe that why I am dizzy...pfff!..a friend walked passed me today and said awwwwwwwwe..youve got labyrinthitis bad pal! I used my bike as a walking stick-but I cant distinguish if its an anxiety attack brought on by the fact I am still lossing my balance ( which is a definite..I cant even check for cars coming..so using my ears)but that sets me off in one of my agros...then I cling onto things..and then I get so upset..I start to swear my head off..(oe) well why would anyone careffs, and why would anyone want to? Then , an endless.feeling off yes..I knew iwas a bit of a loner, I knew I was nervy, then hperactive and distarctable when younge, but I could control it.Now I am not so sure. I am a dista soldier trying to battle through a war thats not been named yet. I can laugh HARD and i can cry 9 of no benefit to me) but id do bothe well///an A grade student at them but I cant do miss middle woman...if I try I am so distant..and spoke to someone today and they were so dtsnt,,yet I am so open with her.and i felt hurt, cause Ilove her like a sister.
I went out on my bike, and just couldnt stop ..On it all day ..I know its probably a really dangerous ting to be doing , no sleep, no balnce, little food, on antibiotics, and still having 3 glasses of wine per night..( that could be worse ..hey god-it could be 3 vodkas)
It was a good release for me...sorry I just come here and use this place as my diary and ..though I should not..I do. One day, if I ever get out of this situationm,, I hope to god I canhelp someone else...and pls remind me to give blood when Ive stopped drinking.
Also,,ive had all the apdding a foot can get..and my toe is more disfigured than ever and my foot sosore..I am too scard to coplain as I do not want it operated on!
next, I have developed an enlarge mole, today yip, and its slightly swollen with a blck spot o.O WTF is that?
Anyway...I migh try some relaxing now..Pff! yeah right..I am just waiting for my ex to get so drunk and open that letter.
I am worried as in my documents, they say thye only take 3 weeks to review a situation-I dont know hat to godo , where to go from here. I amnot ready to go donw the interdict report route yet, as hes been helpful for the last 2 days. has anyone else been here. Look, I am not stupid and I do know this has ended, but why does he even and how can he even lie on the couch my mum bought us without a care ( or thats how it seems) in the world?
I went out on my bike, and just couldnt stop ..On it all day ..I know its probably a really dangerous ting to be doing , no sleep, no balnce, little food, on antibiotics, and still having 3 glasses of wine per night..( that could be worse ..hey god-it could be 3 vodkas)
It was a good release for me...sorry I just come here and use this place as my diary and ..though I should not..I do. One day, if I ever get out of this situationm,, I hope to god I canhelp someone else...and pls remind me to give blood when Ive stopped drinking.
Also,,ive had all the apdding a foot can get..and my toe is more disfigured than ever and my foot sosore..I am too scard to coplain as I do not want it operated on!
next, I have developed an enlarge mole, today yip, and its slightly swollen with a blck spot o.O WTF is that?
Anyway...I migh try some relaxing now..Pff! yeah right..I am just waiting for my ex to get so drunk and open that letter.
I am worried as in my documents, they say thye only take 3 weeks to review a situation-I dont know hat to godo , where to go from here. I amnot ready to go donw the interdict report route yet, as hes been helpful for the last 2 days. has anyone else been here. Look, I am not stupid and I do know this has ended, but why does he even and how can he even lie on the couch my mum bought us without a care ( or thats how it seems) in the world?
hes now read the letter form my soliciotr...apparently ( "he cannot afford one")..my question is..my ownly route ....why not? What do i do from here,very confused!
My liver says"STOP IT!"
...ok ill shut up
My liver says, "I need a drink"
..but STOP, AND
..think
MY liver says..."Ffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed me"
...I say "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOooooooooooooooooo"
Ok.....doea anyone wnat to do the rest?....is my liver my ex lover or my lover my es liver 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| ?
Anyway.....Im going now......If he cant/want get a solicitor-does this mean /how can I get out of this without having to upload and shift .?....If I have to do that...Ill never speak to him again!!!!! i dont really want to speak to him anayway, in fact what I would like to do it be an employed ( legally)...oh b****r...that doesnt exist...Hmmm...SHUT UP!!!!!! 8-|
8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| Hmmm....whatever happened to that saying"Life is what you make it....You get what you put into it"? Who made it up......here, life is bloody unfair.......if you dont laugh , you cry and if your not doine either of these things then you must be having a drink...oh and laughing and crying/////...Anyway, Lost the plot....must be the sun!
...ok ill shut up
My liver says, "I need a drink"
..but STOP, AND
..think
MY liver says..."Ffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed me"
...I say "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOooooooooooooooooo"
Ok.....doea anyone wnat to do the rest?....is my liver my ex lover or my lover my es liver 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| ?
Anyway.....Im going now......If he cant/want get a solicitor-does this mean /how can I get out of this without having to upload and shift .?....If I have to do that...Ill never speak to him again!!!!! i dont really want to speak to him anayway, in fact what I would like to do it be an employed ( legally)...oh b****r...that doesnt exist...Hmmm...SHUT UP!!!!!! 8-|
8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| Hmmm....whatever happened to that saying"Life is what you make it....You get what you put into it"? Who made it up......here, life is bloody unfair.......if you dont laugh , you cry and if your not doine either of these things then you must be having a drink...oh and laughing and crying/////...Anyway, Lost the plot....must be the sun!
I cried when I woke up this morning. Even though the weather is gorgeous and I do have 2 beatiful girls....I cant stop with the tears..i gues sits because I live them that I feel this way...or is it because of feelings , well feeling like Ive failed in every area of my life...Cried and then got stuck at a lampost..some guy asked me if I was ok o.O :$ I just said"Fine" tears rolling down my face and could nto let go of the fliipin lampost anyway, better go clean up after everyone. Went mad at partner...aa0 hes still here, B) hes does efffing nothing except make a mess...and I cant stand this waiting...He read the letter from my solicitor and believe me I expected a thrashing, but hey he is too wise to that now. he says he cant afford a solicitor..I thought everyone below a middle income was enetiitled to legal aid... The way i feel right now, I want the week of work just to focus on paperwork and tidying and planning what I am going to do to sort my messed up life, but then work is my only place wheere I get a sense of relief...(though it should not be this way) and I havent been as good ever at my job as I should be.....Anyway, stuffed up nose again today.
My balance is so out of sink. Lost it today completely and speniding money on bus fares. But its getting me really upset now. I thought these antibiotics would have sorted me out- but nope still holding onto lamposts and having really bad dizzy turns ( as though i am going to keel over at any moment) Argh!!!! Have so much todo, yet cant even get to the places I am supposed to go without a great deal of HARD work , and fear that I might fall and break a boe or not mkae it to get to kids. Its horrible!
Katy! He doesn't need a lawyer, he can represent himself.
HAve you been to the doctor about your balance?
Now please listen too me honey! I know you are using this blog as a diary, BUT I am VERY VERY worried about the state of your mental health. I truly think you are having a nervous breakdown! This is nothing to be ashamed of. YOU NEED HELP!!! And right away, when your mind is having a hard time, - either with addiction or illness, it can divide into the half that is DESPERATE for help, and the other side MAKING you not get it. It is just like my brain when I was addicted to pain medication, my healthy side knew I needed help, but the addicted side made it impossible for me to get it. Till I eventually became stronger and asked for help.
You remember when we were kids and there was a cartoon with an angel on one side of that guys shoulder and a devil on the other? Well that is the EXACT same as our brain. You must know, that you need help. But the other side of your brain talks you out of it, because right now it is in control, and it doesn't want to give up that control.
Your doctor needs to get you some help, AND hopefully if you phone that number I gave you before, they can help you too. You have to understand that you are overwhelmed and VERY close to breaking. You need to heal, so you can be a mom and get Katy back. I truly wish you would peak through this bleak cloud your brain has made for you, and see the light and reach for it.
This is now FAR beyone Anxiety Katy! It is a desperate time, that needs desperate measures! SO PLEASE Katy, reach out for some help and TAKE their advice and help. You CAN get back to health. I wish you - again - nothing but love and JOY and Health!!
HAve you been to the doctor about your balance?
Now please listen too me honey! I know you are using this blog as a diary, BUT I am VERY VERY worried about the state of your mental health. I truly think you are having a nervous breakdown! This is nothing to be ashamed of. YOU NEED HELP!!! And right away, when your mind is having a hard time, - either with addiction or illness, it can divide into the half that is DESPERATE for help, and the other side MAKING you not get it. It is just like my brain when I was addicted to pain medication, my healthy side knew I needed help, but the addicted side made it impossible for me to get it. Till I eventually became stronger and asked for help.
You remember when we were kids and there was a cartoon with an angel on one side of that guys shoulder and a devil on the other? Well that is the EXACT same as our brain. You must know, that you need help. But the other side of your brain talks you out of it, because right now it is in control, and it doesn't want to give up that control.
Your doctor needs to get you some help, AND hopefully if you phone that number I gave you before, they can help you too. You have to understand that you are overwhelmed and VERY close to breaking. You need to heal, so you can be a mom and get Katy back. I truly wish you would peak through this bleak cloud your brain has made for you, and see the light and reach for it.
This is now FAR beyone Anxiety Katy! It is a desperate time, that needs desperate measures! SO PLEASE Katy, reach out for some help and TAKE their advice and help. You CAN get back to health. I wish you - again - nothing but love and JOY and Health!!
I must adnit-ifeelTOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL!...I tried to fill out my application form for benefits...then got stuxk....Iliterallyclambered to work today and had such a laugh about my strange obsessions with lampost with a good work mate, but cannot describe how I really feel. I am so so scared-OF EVERYTHING_ I learn and understand and joke..(i hate jokes though,such a waist of time!) Inside, I wnat to sleep FOREVER. I am tooscared, I cant pretend anymore.....I tried to get my girls from school and i couldnt walk the steps. so had to bum shuffle like a child down the stpes.it was awful..Even in the weekend..id been okay to me, so could take m ykids to the school fair. not one ault spoke to me, and all the time, i was trying to get to places ..like a few milimtres away...the only way was to hold my childs hand. it hurt like hell..I want to be their mmmy not..someone to be looked after. nto one adult came to my aid...not evene friends id known for years..Ileft with the gals early and cied while they were walking me home. ive had it. I am truly screwed! Sorry Bambi-this is not the news I wish to telll you-but no one else seeems to be listening! Though I really appreciate your help, katy x
ive the school run-then work tomorrow and i cant so anything. he has told me he is now trying for a soliciotr..My left ear feels as though it hasa puncture.
I feel exhausted and sick
I want me back,
I didnt come hear to mention all that , I acme hear to say BIG THANKS, but I am tooscared. If I am so ill, who will look after my kidddies? icant stop-I have to keep going....My eyes are jumping too..double visioin, when i think I can cry I cant, and then over comes me, i cry.bambi I hope you are wrong, but iam very very scaerd. This is not me.
I feel exhausted and sick
I want me back,
I didnt come hear to mention all that , I acme hear to say BIG THANKS, but I am tooscared. If I am so ill, who will look after my kidddies? icant stop-I have to keep going....My eyes are jumping too..double visioin, when i think I can cry I cant, and then over comes me, i cry.bambi I hope you are wrong, but iam very very scaerd. This is not me.
Katy I truly do think you might have Vertigo, you seem to have the same symptoms as a friend of mine did, she too couldn't walk down stairs, or differentiate between a step or a curb. It causes nausea, vomitting, sweating blurred vision etc. So you do neet to go to the doctors about that.
That's your 1st step, THEN while you are there, you HAVE to tell him everything that is happening to you. No holding back. You need a rest, you are frightened, you are overwhelmed and you are tired!!!
I know you are scared Katy, this is unknown territory!! Remember when you had your 1st child, and when you're in labour and your like "I can't do this!!!!"? I have a friend, that when she was in labour she actually said "Obviously I can't do this, so I want to go home and we'll try again tommorrow OK? I promise I will come back!!!" o.O XD Can you imagine? Just lightening up for you.
This IS the same thing Katy, you have seen all of these movies and TV shows throughout your life, about "Crazy!!!" people in insane asylums. This isn't what is real Katy. There are places that you go, just to relax and get healthy. They don't give you a white suite, they don't fasten you too a bed - unless you want them too ;-)!!!! They just talk to you, and you can say everything and get with other people who are SUFFERING!!! just as you are. They WILL help you hon!!
And while you are getting help, your friends and family will HAVE to step up to the plate. And I think you will be surprised, Katy, at just how many people will help you, now that you are getting help. Sometimes friends and family shut down when someone has a chronic illness - at that is what you ahve Katy - and especially if they think "She should be getting some help... etc. etc." So they shut off, then when you do get help they are more helpful and supportive. Anyone who is suffering in anyway, needs a support system, and that is what you need and WILL get.
As you and I have said before, when Peter cries wolf for so long, EVERYONE just shuts you out! INCLUDING yourself right? HE doesn't believe you anymore, your family and friends don't, and you don't, that you all think this just will keep going on and on.
I will tell you something, years ago my husband was being TERRIBLE to me for several weeks non stop, then it came out that he had cheated on me. I moved out, took my 15 month old son and left! It was SO hard, but I had to do it. I couldn't keep saying "IF you say/do that one more time I will leave etc etc." So I did it!! My mother - who had put up with abuse for decades from my dad said this too me " I am SO proud of you for having the guts to do what I could never do" And when I finally started re connecting with my husband, he said "I just thought I could do and say whatever I wanted to do, because you always said it but never did it, but now I know that you wont stand for this anymore!"
This is the same for you Katy, everyone has lost respect - lack of a better word - for you, including yourself! So now, while you are trying to make changes to your life, you are SO unsure of the future, that your mind is taking over and creating really negative scenarios. Because you are breaking the mold that you and your family - probably for generations - has been told to suffer through!
Getting help is a sign of strength Katy, not weakness. Kicking this guy out of your life, is a sign of strength - not weakness. Overcoming ALL of this c**p!!! is a sign of strength not weakness.
So get some help, because the 1st step is ALWAYS the hardest. You CAN do it Katy. Put yourself 1st, for EVERYONES sake! And you will have only one person to thank for the positive change that will come and that is YOU! The wonderful mother, daughter, sister, partner, and friend that you are!!!
That's your 1st step, THEN while you are there, you HAVE to tell him everything that is happening to you. No holding back. You need a rest, you are frightened, you are overwhelmed and you are tired!!!
I know you are scared Katy, this is unknown territory!! Remember when you had your 1st child, and when you're in labour and your like "I can't do this!!!!"? I have a friend, that when she was in labour she actually said "Obviously I can't do this, so I want to go home and we'll try again tommorrow OK? I promise I will come back!!!" o.O XD Can you imagine? Just lightening up for you.
This IS the same thing Katy, you have seen all of these movies and TV shows throughout your life, about "Crazy!!!" people in insane asylums. This isn't what is real Katy. There are places that you go, just to relax and get healthy. They don't give you a white suite, they don't fasten you too a bed - unless you want them too ;-)!!!! They just talk to you, and you can say everything and get with other people who are SUFFERING!!! just as you are. They WILL help you hon!!
And while you are getting help, your friends and family will HAVE to step up to the plate. And I think you will be surprised, Katy, at just how many people will help you, now that you are getting help. Sometimes friends and family shut down when someone has a chronic illness - at that is what you ahve Katy - and especially if they think "She should be getting some help... etc. etc." So they shut off, then when you do get help they are more helpful and supportive. Anyone who is suffering in anyway, needs a support system, and that is what you need and WILL get.
As you and I have said before, when Peter cries wolf for so long, EVERYONE just shuts you out! INCLUDING yourself right? HE doesn't believe you anymore, your family and friends don't, and you don't, that you all think this just will keep going on and on.
I will tell you something, years ago my husband was being TERRIBLE to me for several weeks non stop, then it came out that he had cheated on me. I moved out, took my 15 month old son and left! It was SO hard, but I had to do it. I couldn't keep saying "IF you say/do that one more time I will leave etc etc." So I did it!! My mother - who had put up with abuse for decades from my dad said this too me " I am SO proud of you for having the guts to do what I could never do" And when I finally started re connecting with my husband, he said "I just thought I could do and say whatever I wanted to do, because you always said it but never did it, but now I know that you wont stand for this anymore!"
This is the same for you Katy, everyone has lost respect - lack of a better word - for you, including yourself! So now, while you are trying to make changes to your life, you are SO unsure of the future, that your mind is taking over and creating really negative scenarios. Because you are breaking the mold that you and your family - probably for generations - has been told to suffer through!
Getting help is a sign of strength Katy, not weakness. Kicking this guy out of your life, is a sign of strength - not weakness. Overcoming ALL of this c**p!!! is a sign of strength not weakness.
So get some help, because the 1st step is ALWAYS the hardest. You CAN do it Katy. Put yourself 1st, for EVERYONES sake! And you will have only one person to thank for the positive change that will come and that is YOU! The wonderful mother, daughter, sister, partner, and friend that you are!!!
Bambi- i dont feel well. I feel really sick , sure Im about to chuck..Not going to even look at the screen. I had to get the bus to wokr..I cant stand not beemn able to wlak and unsure as to whats this is... My nose is swolen and totally stuffed and whatever this is...my ears keep ppopping like I am on an aeroplane. I got to work early and went fot a coffee. which cost far too much and tasted like sickness.. i sat and I couldnts stop thinking about life kids, my job,(I cried couldnt stop crying) my cousins are doing much better than me , and how I feeel like such a failure. I feel like a failure...in everyway possible...I cant see the point going for help as I feel pointless, helpleess, why ??? Why nbother ...you can build up trust with peoplp...they either seem to die or not seeem to give a effing toss about anything other than I dont know No one cares enough Not one person ccares..and people are bastards ...i mean If I saw sommeone crying and dressed in pink ( and cuddling alampost
o.O :-D XD :-( :-) :-( :$ ..I would try to at least help..I dont know now how many rds Ive been stucj at kerbs , like..(.well its like I am scared to go into the water of a swimming pool thats frezzing cold and I dip my toes in and then yelp as it stings cold makes you shiver and shake...and your tummy flip flops and then you run back to the changing rooms and put a nice warm fluffy pink towel round you rbody and quiver it away.
Its not just that. At work got reall stabbing ssensation in my gut and didnt know what it was....had the burlys ( dizzy spells and had to hold onto shelves Hoping no one noticed.....
Oh ..hes home and I am feeling sick Kids are more understanding...and ..and hes got a solicitor...and he its the way he said it ...like it was a big threat...Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh..Kkkkkaaaaaaaaatyyyyyyyyy..I ve got an apppointment tomorrow...............with a solicitor....make that ooooooor..the way he said it...I reply with ..."about bloody time" 11 yrs of waistage...!! yrs of unhappiness 11 yrs for a criem I never commited...11 yrws!!!!!! Oh I do have 2 rather lovely children...and just to make it clear hes ok..got some sort of knee problem so couldnt help get the children from school...Hello lampost ...you are my friend in fact yes,. boss was right ...."Katy now does have somesort of weird fettishes for lamposts" yes they care more than people and are probably more bright...Righ going to go try one of those antibiotics...They just havent worked...2 days wotrth left..The docotor gave me the impression I wouldnt need them all..but they havent worked Argh!! I dont know what to do....I thk my Gp and surgery must think '''Oh here she comes...raving looney-what does she want?" 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-|
o.O :-D XD :-( :-) :-( :$ ..I would try to at least help..I dont know now how many rds Ive been stucj at kerbs , like..(.well its like I am scared to go into the water of a swimming pool thats frezzing cold and I dip my toes in and then yelp as it stings cold makes you shiver and shake...and your tummy flip flops and then you run back to the changing rooms and put a nice warm fluffy pink towel round you rbody and quiver it away.
Its not just that. At work got reall stabbing ssensation in my gut and didnt know what it was....had the burlys ( dizzy spells and had to hold onto shelves Hoping no one noticed.....
Oh ..hes home and I am feeling sick Kids are more understanding...and ..and hes got a solicitor...and he its the way he said it ...like it was a big threat...Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh..Kkkkkaaaaaaaaatyyyyyyyyy..I ve got an apppointment tomorrow...............with a solicitor....make that ooooooor..the way he said it...I reply with ..."about bloody time" 11 yrs of waistage...!! yrs of unhappiness 11 yrs for a criem I never commited...11 yrws!!!!!! Oh I do have 2 rather lovely children...and just to make it clear hes ok..got some sort of knee problem so couldnt help get the children from school...Hello lampost ...you are my friend in fact yes,. boss was right ...."Katy now does have somesort of weird fettishes for lamposts" yes they care more than people and are probably more bright...Righ going to go try one of those antibiotics...They just havent worked...2 days wotrth left..The docotor gave me the impression I wouldnt need them all..but they havent worked Argh!! I dont know what to do....I thk my Gp and surgery must think '''Oh here she comes...raving looney-what does she want?" 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-|
Just have this feeling. everyone hates me. threats of being dissowned by my own family....He hates me and inevitably , my children will hate me. Also, that I am a waist of space. I then get angry with ME , for feeling this way..I know I am not a waist of space. then theres that ( which is a constant battle ) ....she/he thinks i am thick...Ill show them...and then do stupid things argh!!!!
Hi -Bamibi , and anyone else who cares! Tomorrow mum is coming, so I may try and ask for some help....I feel though, I feel theres nothing REAL wrong with me, so why waist doctors time?
Though , now realise ..thankfully hes taking me seriosly, and hopefully mum is too- i just feel so sad. its as though Ive lived in denial for such a long time
You know, the REAL problem is I get upset, because of my children. I know sometimes I think i am stupid, but I know that the damgae that he cant so, or that I can do ) unforseen0 is massive, thats why I was always so scared. Ill give you an example, It took well over 2yrs for my mum and dad to finish..then when it did , my dads now ex.was a complete vicious b....Theres no geting away from that kind of damage once the flood gates are opened! that scares me. I dont mean that he would hurt the children , but hurt them in emotional , memorabelia ways Sorry , making words up now- but thats what I mean. I feel reall ysick and well not lthat I like that word, but depressed. Iam struggling to get out my bed, not for want of sleep but for want to not exist!
Though , now realise ..thankfully hes taking me seriosly, and hopefully mum is too- i just feel so sad. its as though Ive lived in denial for such a long time
You know, the REAL problem is I get upset, because of my children. I know sometimes I think i am stupid, but I know that the damgae that he cant so, or that I can do ) unforseen0 is massive, thats why I was always so scared. Ill give you an example, It took well over 2yrs for my mum and dad to finish..then when it did , my dads now ex.was a complete vicious b....Theres no geting away from that kind of damage once the flood gates are opened! that scares me. I dont mean that he would hurt the children , but hurt them in emotional , memorabelia ways Sorry , making words up now- but thats what I mean. I feel reall ysick and well not lthat I like that word, but depressed. Iam struggling to get out my bed, not for want of sleep but for want to not exist!
My favourite song....."rosese are not red, still ive never grown, the sun is not a source of light, and the wind will never be blown. The birds will die in the skye......................Roses are not red, the rain has not been fallin........................telephones unaware...no one there who ever cared, to what weve been through. Your face so unremarkable , could never light this lonely town, Your voice...all but forgotten ...juse echos every sound...dreaming of all the things Ill miss...theres nothing sad about you leaving...maybe this time without breathing..Look through these eyes
The truth is , i did!...anyone could see.. roses are not red.................and I nevr loved you!
The truth is , i did!...anyone could see.. roses are not red.................and I nevr loved you!
Hi Hon: You don't need your mom to listen too you Katy you need a doctor and a professional. You need your mom to be there for the kids while you are getting help.
You don't realize this right now, but the part of your brain that is ill, is making you feel like no one cares - THIS is the truth Katy! I wants total control over you, and it seems to be winning.
People in the street, turn their backs on people in need, because SOME don't care, but the majority do they just don't know what to do.
I believe that you either have Vertigo, OR having the worst Panic Attack you could ever have. Because - I know you don't believe it - but Panic Attacks are SO real to the person having them, that they believe that it CAN'T be their brain making them do this, because they don't want it!!!
And you are wrong Katy about people not caring, I CARE!! And many on here reading your entries care. We ALL just want you to CARE enough about yourself to go and be honest with a professional and ask for some help. An Alcoholic can not get better, unelss they realize they ARE an Alcoholic and need help, A drug addict - like myself - can not get better till they realize they have a problem and tell their secret and get help. This IS the same thing for you Katy!! When I was hooked on painkillers, MANY people - friends family doctors - had stated to me that they thought I was an addict. But I refused to listen - even though I did know that. Then one day I saw "Ray" the movie and thought, "Oh my God I am just like him!!!!!" I went to a walk in clinic, and felt like I was telling someone a dirty little secret. I told this doctor that I think I'm addicted, and sat there and cried for over 1/2 an hour. BUT it felt SO good to get that out Katy. And you WILL feel the same when you tell a professional ALL the things going on inside your mind right now.
You are NOT weak, Your are NOT unworthy, and YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! You just need to make this step, before you cannot do anything about it. I don't want too add to your upset Katy, but I want you to think of this for one moment.
IF and I really mean IF you continue on this path and not get help, your children COULD be taken from you!!!! :'( o.O If your partner or ex partner wants to get nasty, he could bring up to authorities that you are "mentally unstable" to take care of your children!!!! And then the authorities - who do NOT know your situation, will assess your behaviour at work, infront of others, at the school, etc. Also because of you having either Panic Attacks or Vertigo, if you have a BAD episode and someone calls the ambulance on you, decisions WILL be made FOR you, NOT BY YOU!!
I want YOU to be healthy and in control Katy, Not the Government, not a stranger, and DEFINITELY not your ex. You HAVE to show everyone that you are making RATIONAL decisions, that will better yourself and your kids!!! I TRULY TRULY don't want to scare you Katy, or make you more depressed, but you HAVE to fight for you and your kids. Before it is beyond your ability.
Once you are seen and examined by a professional, they can get you back on track! I PROMISE!!! As I said before hon, say you had a leg that was severely infected, would you just pass it off OR would you go get it seen too? This is the EXACT same question you have to ask yourself - this time for your brain. Are you thinking healthy happy thoughts, or are you thinking infected thoughts? The answer is of course infected right?!!!! So now you need to get that INFECTION seen too! Think of it that way. Even print off all or your posts on here. Or let your doctor see them. Because you might not be seeing that clearly right now. And you NEED to be seen with clear eyes and mind.
I truly wish you would walk into your doctors and tell him EVERYTHING!!! Before it's too late for you to make the right choices. PLEASE Katy.
God Bless you hon!!
You don't realize this right now, but the part of your brain that is ill, is making you feel like no one cares - THIS is the truth Katy! I wants total control over you, and it seems to be winning.
People in the street, turn their backs on people in need, because SOME don't care, but the majority do they just don't know what to do.
I believe that you either have Vertigo, OR having the worst Panic Attack you could ever have. Because - I know you don't believe it - but Panic Attacks are SO real to the person having them, that they believe that it CAN'T be their brain making them do this, because they don't want it!!!
And you are wrong Katy about people not caring, I CARE!! And many on here reading your entries care. We ALL just want you to CARE enough about yourself to go and be honest with a professional and ask for some help. An Alcoholic can not get better, unelss they realize they ARE an Alcoholic and need help, A drug addict - like myself - can not get better till they realize they have a problem and tell their secret and get help. This IS the same thing for you Katy!! When I was hooked on painkillers, MANY people - friends family doctors - had stated to me that they thought I was an addict. But I refused to listen - even though I did know that. Then one day I saw "Ray" the movie and thought, "Oh my God I am just like him!!!!!" I went to a walk in clinic, and felt like I was telling someone a dirty little secret. I told this doctor that I think I'm addicted, and sat there and cried for over 1/2 an hour. BUT it felt SO good to get that out Katy. And you WILL feel the same when you tell a professional ALL the things going on inside your mind right now.
You are NOT weak, Your are NOT unworthy, and YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! You just need to make this step, before you cannot do anything about it. I don't want too add to your upset Katy, but I want you to think of this for one moment.
IF and I really mean IF you continue on this path and not get help, your children COULD be taken from you!!!! :'( o.O If your partner or ex partner wants to get nasty, he could bring up to authorities that you are "mentally unstable" to take care of your children!!!! And then the authorities - who do NOT know your situation, will assess your behaviour at work, infront of others, at the school, etc. Also because of you having either Panic Attacks or Vertigo, if you have a BAD episode and someone calls the ambulance on you, decisions WILL be made FOR you, NOT BY YOU!!
I want YOU to be healthy and in control Katy, Not the Government, not a stranger, and DEFINITELY not your ex. You HAVE to show everyone that you are making RATIONAL decisions, that will better yourself and your kids!!! I TRULY TRULY don't want to scare you Katy, or make you more depressed, but you HAVE to fight for you and your kids. Before it is beyond your ability.
Once you are seen and examined by a professional, they can get you back on track! I PROMISE!!! As I said before hon, say you had a leg that was severely infected, would you just pass it off OR would you go get it seen too? This is the EXACT same question you have to ask yourself - this time for your brain. Are you thinking healthy happy thoughts, or are you thinking infected thoughts? The answer is of course infected right?!!!! So now you need to get that INFECTION seen too! Think of it that way. Even print off all or your posts on here. Or let your doctor see them. Because you might not be seeing that clearly right now. And you NEED to be seen with clear eyes and mind.
I truly wish you would walk into your doctors and tell him EVERYTHING!!! Before it's too late for you to make the right choices. PLEASE Katy.
God Bless you hon!!