Bambi- Ok. I am a bit of a scardy cat-what if no one can help?
I have 1 days worth left of tablets, yep-today! If this keeps happening , I have no choice bubt to see a doctor. I sometimes , look back on how i used to be I used to be much more level headed, didnt mind helping oters out, In fact , it made me feel much better about existence, and rewarding to help others.I used to LISTEN, ( not something I seem to do theses days well!)
This is the worry. I feel fine in my house, In my room and when I am with my girls I am much stronger...I dont tend to have as many dizzy spells, thought thats still happening..My nose fels better this morning, but fel likeIve 2 circles of yuck around my ears...Ican feel fluid running round them all the time and muffled hearing.
I have to plan how I am going to get to work, how i am going to get home, and how i am going to get the girls from school. I find this funny...just a little. Theres this same bir of rd and this same wobbily ( gawd)lampost, that I hold onto..I get stuck...the road goes down hill, and thats just makes me loosed it completely..So each dat holding onto lampost , and eachday at the same time. lady walks past and luckily helps me across the road so I just make it to school on time to get my youngest....well, cant think of a bteere strategy "how to sift the good from the bad and make friends quick , strategy( hmm, maybe a good dating technique o.O XD )if it all happens to me again today..ill probably flip, especially as my mums coming over and she definately has cloth ears..I get fed up with her asking how the girls are ( as if I am a complete incompetent--and coming from her really winds me up!!!!) and the fact she never seems to be that interested in me,,,I dont know if she is or not...i just feel shes another person thats used me to get what SHE wWANTS..The only reason my mum talks to me is because of the girls and that PISSES me offsomething rotten!!!
In my mums eyes , my hairs a mess, Ive totally mesed up my life, Ive irresponsibly had children,,,and I am too fat...and bad tempered..drink too uch....dont tidy up enuough ...havent done In her words "anything" WITH MY LIFE!!!! So why should I ask her for support????????????????????????
I have 1 days worth left of tablets, yep-today! If this keeps happening , I have no choice bubt to see a doctor. I sometimes , look back on how i used to be I used to be much more level headed, didnt mind helping oters out, In fact , it made me feel much better about existence, and rewarding to help others.I used to LISTEN, ( not something I seem to do theses days well!)
This is the worry. I feel fine in my house, In my room and when I am with my girls I am much stronger...I dont tend to have as many dizzy spells, thought thats still happening..My nose fels better this morning, but fel likeIve 2 circles of yuck around my ears...Ican feel fluid running round them all the time and muffled hearing.
I have to plan how I am going to get to work, how i am going to get home, and how i am going to get the girls from school. I find this funny...just a little. Theres this same bir of rd and this same wobbily ( gawd)lampost, that I hold onto..I get stuck...the road goes down hill, and thats just makes me loosed it completely..So each dat holding onto lampost , and eachday at the same time. lady walks past and luckily helps me across the road so I just make it to school on time to get my youngest....well, cant think of a bteere strategy "how to sift the good from the bad and make friends quick , strategy( hmm, maybe a good dating technique o.O XD )if it all happens to me again today..ill probably flip, especially as my mums coming over and she definately has cloth ears..I get fed up with her asking how the girls are ( as if I am a complete incompetent--and coming from her really winds me up!!!!) and the fact she never seems to be that interested in me,,,I dont know if she is or not...i just feel shes another person thats used me to get what SHE wWANTS..The only reason my mum talks to me is because of the girls and that PISSES me offsomething rotten!!!
In my mums eyes , my hairs a mess, Ive totally mesed up my life, Ive irresponsibly had children,,,and I am too fat...and bad tempered..drink too uch....dont tidy up enuough ...havent done In her words "anything" WITH MY LIFE!!!! So why should I ask her for support????????????????????????
This morning woke at 5 30 am///felt ok, got up carrie don as normal///Broke down at about 7 am and narky with children. tried to take them to school hd to go the long way so I could balance myself with a wall. Got them to school just on time. Kissed them bye bye .and then got stuck on the school steps. cathy a friend of mine, took me to her house and gave me a cup of tea She was truly great ..sort of finding out who is a good friend and who is not . Right now, probably not the best time to try and work that out. Okay so dizzy at work.. Work went ok, but had major panic before starting sweting , crying and thinking I was going to totally colapse.
Shift went well. Then got bus home and walked to get my eldest from school./ Wham bam thank you mama ( just to make things better-theres my mother bantering on about why I didnt tell her Becca was goin to a mates..Pfff... spontinuity ( heard of it mum ??????_ So angry with her. let a few loose , like Im not allowed a life, and sorry Ive been trying to phone you all day..she still managed to have the oneover me.
Anyway, home and ready to BREAK DOWN . Shes hearand weve just had the biggest argument ever. Tell you about that next post ..cant believe what she said and I am gutted.
Phoned lawyer just to give him a progress update report. Phones housing to gffill out benefit form tht I am stuck on and pls remind nme appointment at 2pm Thursady i dont care how Ill i get. I have to do this.
Work have given me a holiday all of next week, apart from one wee meeting. the relief and less worry as I want be worrying about how to get from ato b and b to a. so thats good. Anyway, Ill remind me of that rant with my mother later, and how she passes by my opinion and uses my children to seem like a NICE person ( which she is) but HEEEELLLO -why do you hate me so much ? Why am I never important to you? Why do you think it s fine for me to feel this way and why do you defend him ??? Whydo you defend this man thats hurt me so deep so bad and in so many ways..Why do you ignore my complaints and then make it all worse by criticising me? Why does she do this to me???? Why? Why do I alllways have to be at her beck and call but sod what I think of feel ???????Why??????
Shift went well. Then got bus home and walked to get my eldest from school./ Wham bam thank you mama ( just to make things better-theres my mother bantering on about why I didnt tell her Becca was goin to a mates..Pfff... spontinuity ( heard of it mum ??????_ So angry with her. let a few loose , like Im not allowed a life, and sorry Ive been trying to phone you all day..she still managed to have the oneover me.
Anyway, home and ready to BREAK DOWN . Shes hearand weve just had the biggest argument ever. Tell you about that next post ..cant believe what she said and I am gutted.
Phoned lawyer just to give him a progress update report. Phones housing to gffill out benefit form tht I am stuck on and pls remind nme appointment at 2pm Thursady i dont care how Ill i get. I have to do this.
Work have given me a holiday all of next week, apart from one wee meeting. the relief and less worry as I want be worrying about how to get from ato b and b to a. so thats good. Anyway, Ill remind me of that rant with my mother later, and how she passes by my opinion and uses my children to seem like a NICE person ( which she is) but HEEEELLLO -why do you hate me so much ? Why am I never important to you? Why do you think it s fine for me to feel this way and why do you defend him ??? Whydo you defend this man thats hurt me so deep so bad and in so many ways..Why do you ignore my complaints and then make it all worse by criticising me? Why does she do this to me???? Why? Why do I alllways have to be at her beck and call but sod what I think of feel ???????Why??????
sorry babmbi- I hadno idea how insensitive ia mbeing to you.. My point , howevere m is i dont think this is how I would behave for my children....not anything else by it, Sorry, that must be hard to read after all youve been through. But I just dont get it. :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-(
Honey, like I said to you before, your mother will NEVER understand your decision, because she didn't!!!!!! It still stands at what I said earlier Katy, please talk to your doctor, you don't have an ear infection. Because if you id it would be gone by now. TALK to someone please!
Right, firstly, hi and thank you. I apologised to my poor mum. I guess I missunderstood what she was trying to say to me , and that point is very fair. her point was I have to keep my nose completely clean. I get that too. I do still think I have an ear infection as my ears are muffled and still popping, and I think its heightening everything . making it harder for me to cope altogether.
Ok, I come here, because I bumped into my ex on the street. he asked if I were picking up the kids, I just shrugged..thinking, well what do you care matey....I asked him if he was going to work he replied,"No" Hes not been home ...and I have a sens of relief ...wondering if his solicitor told him to just pack his bags( that would just be too godd to be true)Though I am now panicing , worrying about what life will be like on my own . I have to rely on myseelf to do everything ( that I think I can do ) In fact, that I know I can do , and after all this have this odd ambitious feeling. As though, i couldnt do what I once was able to do, but as no one is around to criticise I am thinking I can and I brilliantly will.
My panics there- but I hope its changing so that I do the RIGHT thing by my children. Its been reallly peaceful here tonight..I know , even though he did hrrid things and was manipulative, that deep down ( and I know this sounds mad) that I wil still miss him, and miss easily being able to escape when the children get too much..That is something i wil have to address. He may just come home pissed tonight- I dont know as there is little comunication.
The other thing and the thing that stopped me doing this, is my fear, and this is theworry...being on my own again, and the fear of being folowed etc..... sh*t! Thats the door..oh well..there was a dream..I knew itd be too goood to be true( ah b****r!)
I hold back from seeing a doctor right now, as is it not normal to go through alll this , in this time of stress? i am more than sure it is. And there is the fact a doctor can only do so much... although I do think I need my sinuses drained, My nse is still throbbing.
I was trying to tell my mum that I am fed up with the fact he has no conscience to what he has done.she missunderstood me..and put it down to my lazines....so I started to scream at her " I didnt expect you to support me. I mean your grand children are afterall your pride and joy" i cry at that.....my mum has been through so much herself and I dont want to hurt her but I know this will inevitably upset her....I just cant get it through to her that I need to escape, and that THIS is the correct decision for me. But I am so so scared, especially now hes just bloody well walked thorugh the door..i was almost relaxed for 5 minutes...grrrr!!Anyway, when I rang my soliciotr today ..it was as though I just needed reassurance , but also to help him keep a time dte on things as I do not wish him to close down this case. ( if you get me) I guess thats my anxiety and insecurity shinning through ) okay, now I am going to say night night, this thing in my nose is very painful tonight, and my nose is more swoolenm It woud attack my worst feature ever just for emphasis!!Take care, bambi....i see you as a true well open minded friend, a big star and a magic light, Take care. people like me, need you!
Ok, I come here, because I bumped into my ex on the street. he asked if I were picking up the kids, I just shrugged..thinking, well what do you care matey....I asked him if he was going to work he replied,"No" Hes not been home ...and I have a sens of relief ...wondering if his solicitor told him to just pack his bags( that would just be too godd to be true)Though I am now panicing , worrying about what life will be like on my own . I have to rely on myseelf to do everything ( that I think I can do ) In fact, that I know I can do , and after all this have this odd ambitious feeling. As though, i couldnt do what I once was able to do, but as no one is around to criticise I am thinking I can and I brilliantly will.
My panics there- but I hope its changing so that I do the RIGHT thing by my children. Its been reallly peaceful here tonight..I know , even though he did hrrid things and was manipulative, that deep down ( and I know this sounds mad) that I wil still miss him, and miss easily being able to escape when the children get too much..That is something i wil have to address. He may just come home pissed tonight- I dont know as there is little comunication.
The other thing and the thing that stopped me doing this, is my fear, and this is theworry...being on my own again, and the fear of being folowed etc..... sh*t! Thats the door..oh well..there was a dream..I knew itd be too goood to be true( ah b****r!)
I hold back from seeing a doctor right now, as is it not normal to go through alll this , in this time of stress? i am more than sure it is. And there is the fact a doctor can only do so much... although I do think I need my sinuses drained, My nse is still throbbing.
I was trying to tell my mum that I am fed up with the fact he has no conscience to what he has done.she missunderstood me..and put it down to my lazines....so I started to scream at her " I didnt expect you to support me. I mean your grand children are afterall your pride and joy" i cry at that.....my mum has been through so much herself and I dont want to hurt her but I know this will inevitably upset her....I just cant get it through to her that I need to escape, and that THIS is the correct decision for me. But I am so so scared, especially now hes just bloody well walked thorugh the door..i was almost relaxed for 5 minutes...grrrr!!Anyway, when I rang my soliciotr today ..it was as though I just needed reassurance , but also to help him keep a time dte on things as I do not wish him to close down this case. ( if you get me) I guess thats my anxiety and insecurity shinning through ) okay, now I am going to say night night, this thing in my nose is very painful tonight, and my nose is more swoolenm It woud attack my worst feature ever just for emphasis!!Take care, bambi....i see you as a true well open minded friend, a big star and a magic light, Take care. people like me, need you!
Bambi-ihope no ne else finds this message. but I want to talk toyou about hat night i ended up in hospita-and i think it unfair ofme to blame him.
Okay, I went to bed..Id had a bottle of red wine. I remeber feeling a bit paniced as I had work the next day, but reassuring myself...if I just sleep i will be fine.
Okay the next thing-blodd just everywher..I paniced..i hadnt a clue how or why blood was squirting out arenas of my head. i tried to stand up, but could not...then oblitereating everything , my cat paniced adn there he was claws nailed in..I couldnt get the b****r of me..Blood streaming everywhere...then I yelped..I had to whack my head of a wall to get the cat of me. i dont know. i really honestly do not know what happpened. It doesnt make sene..I know I was screaming..in the first instance. I am worried that I relived an regretable unforgetable episode of my life, and that he had no t a thing to do with it...that swhy I worry!
But then the muffle..I know he did something with the bath mat over my head the following weekend, and I know I was a tad 9 oops) tipsy) but I know FOR real, I was not halucinating,,and I know that apart of it...thats where the ptroblem si-do I make any sense?
The events I report are only the sober ones, as there is no point in the rest..)if you get me) But I feeel like a glutten for punishemnt now, and that this will just make things worse-do you understand me, or do you think I am totally evil and mad? i am so confused on all these things..I thinks sometimes my hatred towards him , is due to passed events and not entirely all his fault, and i also think that his warped upbringing ( which is not his fault) is attributed to everything? do I make sense-am I mad? I have no clue where to catch the fish by the net>
Okay, I went to bed..Id had a bottle of red wine. I remeber feeling a bit paniced as I had work the next day, but reassuring myself...if I just sleep i will be fine.
Okay the next thing-blodd just everywher..I paniced..i hadnt a clue how or why blood was squirting out arenas of my head. i tried to stand up, but could not...then oblitereating everything , my cat paniced adn there he was claws nailed in..I couldnt get the b****r of me..Blood streaming everywhere...then I yelped..I had to whack my head of a wall to get the cat of me. i dont know. i really honestly do not know what happpened. It doesnt make sene..I know I was screaming..in the first instance. I am worried that I relived an regretable unforgetable episode of my life, and that he had no t a thing to do with it...that swhy I worry!
But then the muffle..I know he did something with the bath mat over my head the following weekend, and I know I was a tad 9 oops) tipsy) but I know FOR real, I was not halucinating,,and I know that apart of it...thats where the ptroblem si-do I make any sense?
The events I report are only the sober ones, as there is no point in the rest..)if you get me) But I feeel like a glutten for punishemnt now, and that this will just make things worse-do you understand me, or do you think I am totally evil and mad? i am so confused on all these things..I thinks sometimes my hatred towards him , is due to passed events and not entirely all his fault, and i also think that his warped upbringing ( which is not his fault) is attributed to everything? do I make sense-am I mad? I have no clue where to catch the fish by the net>
No matter if you did it to yourself, he did it, the cat, or a flying fish, that was one incident out of MANY. I DO NOT think for one second that your are "Mad or Evil"! It think you need help, help to get better and healthier and help so you can make everything clearer and more sense of ALL the issues from your past and your present. You have too know, we ARE what we KNOW, that means what you have experienced in your past, sometimes becomes your present. Such as having an abusive father, can lead to you marrying an abusive husband. And when your experience trauma now, the old trauma will surface faster than you can shake a stick at. If you hear a loud bang and it takes you back to a bad thing when you were a child, same thing! I cannot reiterate enough honey, and I wish you would put your trust in me and doctors and professionals and reach out for help? You have made one step and that is telling someone else - me. NOW you need to take the next and tell others, they can help you be less confused.
Was not going to post-but then wanted to say goodbye. I do NOT trust ANYONE!!! Sorry Bambi-but for all your good work and anyone else who has helped, me.....well Iwas right never to BE honest .i WAS right NEVER TO ASK FOR HELP. No one can or ever will help me-no one!!! Huige trust issues....even my own mothers doubts me...sod this...I dont know. I have my kids -that and they are the only one that make every painful breathe and every painful step worthwhile, and to be threatened to have them taken off me is awful...Thats another thing...How dare anyone condemn me , judge me, how dare anyone...I have eyesight problems coordination problems and successfully fought all my lilfe to over come them....
Sorry, I am realy angry and blue really blue...I am going to HAVE to change doctoors, My partner told me of the conversatin he had with a GP within the surgery I am at...and it made my blood boil...I just hope one day something as nice happens to them-some support system I knew hed do this ...I am not an inadequate mother...I know I am not..I hate this ..How dare peopole even question it.
If someome had touched you in an inapropriate way and then decided to rub the wound in over and over and over....it wouldnt take long to maek yourself ill. I always make excuses for peopoe and try and understand their behaviour ( huh, that includes my own...but huh, I knew hed do this one) This is going to be tough...I truly would take pleasure in riding myself of this planet...what is the point -truthfully believe that people are horrible ...wish I was dead...I dont want to kil myself ...I just wish I was dead. Iwush it was over... I wish Id dided at birth.......why keep me alive and let me suffer -why did they do that???Get stuffed everyone!!!! and that includes my mum....I hate this wor.ld. nd if I were to ever repeat my life, i would never wisdh or have the fight in me to do so!!!!!! Bambi, sorry but I knew hed do this..This is why I could not do THIS....but hey Ill have to get through some how...
Sorry, I am realy angry and blue really blue...I am going to HAVE to change doctoors, My partner told me of the conversatin he had with a GP within the surgery I am at...and it made my blood boil...I just hope one day something as nice happens to them-some support system I knew hed do this ...I am not an inadequate mother...I know I am not..I hate this ..How dare peopole even question it.
If someome had touched you in an inapropriate way and then decided to rub the wound in over and over and over....it wouldnt take long to maek yourself ill. I always make excuses for peopoe and try and understand their behaviour ( huh, that includes my own...but huh, I knew hed do this one) This is going to be tough...I truly would take pleasure in riding myself of this planet...what is the point -truthfully believe that people are horrible ...wish I was dead...I dont want to kil myself ...I just wish I was dead. Iwush it was over... I wish Id dided at birth.......why keep me alive and let me suffer -why did they do that???Get stuffed everyone!!!! and that includes my mum....I hate this wor.ld. nd if I were to ever repeat my life, i would never wisdh or have the fight in me to do so!!!!!! Bambi, sorry but I knew hed do this..This is why I could not do THIS....but hey Ill have to get through some how...
Ok, he really is a silent /manipulative/violent disgusting thing!!!!!
I know that warped thinking drives down generationa after generation. he think it ok, to take children from the mother..The only person that they actually respect..I know that sound smad, but if I tell my children to go brush their teeth...they wrill eventually ..do it..if he tellls my children to go brush their teeth...they ignore him. (Just a little example of my life) and yes,,,thats nothing...but its the part of me that says, hes condemning my every sturggle. he told the GP that and I quote him one "The docotr said itd be fine to drink blah blah on antidepressant" o.O :$ XD :-( Sorry, but they were by no way in any means my words. i was trying to wean myself off....but yeah..ive failed time and time again..I just cannot drink..fair enough okay, I get that....though everythings seems so sh*t now..one day ..do you think? One day it will be ok??I cante ever imagine it ever being ok..I cant...I live for my children , but that scares me, in that maybe I live too much for them ( if you get me) I know that sounds confusing, but yes, while Ihave been a silly cow at times, I do not need to be put down by anyone else, not one more person , not even to be it questioned. It should not even ever have to be questioned.
Yes, I admit, Ive drank,,,,are they trying to tell me, he has a halo around his head? Are they? Pffff- I am never going to be honest again..Lie my rear end off, thats what I say......No IDONT DRINK AND NEVER WILL. and so on....Forget it.....
I was screaming at my mum yesterday and I do feel like she doesnt give me the motherly support that ( even though I am 33 yrs of age) that I wish for /want for...and she rants on about material after materila goods, and how so and so is doing so well...and how I should go do an ironing...and pffff!!!! You know this all reminds me...its like when I needed her...I used to walk 8 miles or get the bus depending on how I f elt, to be by her siade nad my grandads side, when he was dying...she had no one else...actually she did....looks like she had pleny of people. because when I was being stalked and so on...where was she ...oh yes...I know exactly where she was...in the shops...buying stuff...I mean reallyAnyway, I better go......swing park to go to and picnic to have with gals. So fed up.....I actaully thought about drowning myself, i ve lots of pills I could just take the whole combination and slip into the bath.. I am thinking about it...I hope no one sees this, but this is my place to go to , and I jst feel that there is not any thing or any one to take it all away....Dont get me wrong, I love my children and they will be ok...Ill make sure of that , even if I get knocked down by a bus ( having one of thse stupid attacks, ) I will make sure that their needs are catered for...may go and write a will.OK, better go...kids are waiting.
I know that warped thinking drives down generationa after generation. he think it ok, to take children from the mother..The only person that they actually respect..I know that sound smad, but if I tell my children to go brush their teeth...they wrill eventually ..do it..if he tellls my children to go brush their teeth...they ignore him. (Just a little example of my life) and yes,,,thats nothing...but its the part of me that says, hes condemning my every sturggle. he told the GP that and I quote him one "The docotr said itd be fine to drink blah blah on antidepressant" o.O :$ XD :-( Sorry, but they were by no way in any means my words. i was trying to wean myself off....but yeah..ive failed time and time again..I just cannot drink..fair enough okay, I get that....though everythings seems so sh*t now..one day ..do you think? One day it will be ok??I cante ever imagine it ever being ok..I cant...I live for my children , but that scares me, in that maybe I live too much for them ( if you get me) I know that sounds confusing, but yes, while Ihave been a silly cow at times, I do not need to be put down by anyone else, not one more person , not even to be it questioned. It should not even ever have to be questioned.
Yes, I admit, Ive drank,,,,are they trying to tell me, he has a halo around his head? Are they? Pffff- I am never going to be honest again..Lie my rear end off, thats what I say......No IDONT DRINK AND NEVER WILL. and so on....Forget it.....
I was screaming at my mum yesterday and I do feel like she doesnt give me the motherly support that ( even though I am 33 yrs of age) that I wish for /want for...and she rants on about material after materila goods, and how so and so is doing so well...and how I should go do an ironing...and pffff!!!! You know this all reminds me...its like when I needed her...I used to walk 8 miles or get the bus depending on how I f elt, to be by her siade nad my grandads side, when he was dying...she had no one else...actually she did....looks like she had pleny of people. because when I was being stalked and so on...where was she ...oh yes...I know exactly where she was...in the shops...buying stuff...I mean reallyAnyway, I better go......swing park to go to and picnic to have with gals. So fed up.....I actaully thought about drowning myself, i ve lots of pills I could just take the whole combination and slip into the bath.. I am thinking about it...I hope no one sees this, but this is my place to go to , and I jst feel that there is not any thing or any one to take it all away....Dont get me wrong, I love my children and they will be ok...Ill make sure of that , even if I get knocked down by a bus ( having one of thse stupid attacks, ) I will make sure that their needs are catered for...may go and write a will.OK, better go...kids are waiting.
Rightiam calming down now. Thank god !!! Feel so ashamed!!! feel like a failure -but acht the more you feel the more you are the more you become...so managed to do some housework ..thinking things over ..girls bee watching tv..Just wondering what would get me through...a holiday? Nope nothing seem to give me that something to grip onto so I can get a grip...thats whta I have raging through my head at the moment...get a grip..ok youve been bad .. but get a grip!!!
Right...lunch and leave children with grandad and go to housing place. Then home, take kids out to play ..do something nice for them Och just tired picking up sweetie papers and things from floor and finding dirty clothes everywhere and piles everywherer. Mind you, my room is pretty untidy too, so I guess I ve set the standadrs...right if you get annoyed...not that you eave sweetie papers, and that youve just sepnt 3 hours cleaning and the place is still dusty and everything needs cleaned ..paranoid now.
I dont know what to do Ive lost all trust in everything everyone, and if my father finds out he will dissown me, I am about to loose it with my mother who seems to me to be loopey and yes no one likes me...cant get rid of that thought..no one likes me..I dont even like me..i was thinking how I wish I could trun the clocks back hmmmwell at first thought 14 years,,,,but then second thoughts, nahe try 33and 6 months. Right carry on Katy..youll get there ..you will dont be put off by the high and mighty the people that have not got a clue about any of it...hey girl its not their fault either..its not..they just have no clue to how you feel on any of it ( sorry just taliing myself out of my dark place ...yeah , idont want to go back their get sucked in and never to return No NO NO I am better than what I was 2 years ago, much better, I am not going down that black slimey slide without fingernails or grips , no non o ..I can do this...I just need, to lift my head up...think sod it...he cant hurt you anymore,,,dont worry about what he says.they say..i know whats true, i also know the difference between good and bad, right and wrong, and I also know that respect is a great thing to have if I could buy self respect id be straight out the shop s right now.......awe gawd herer he comes ( yaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn) Boooooooooorrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiinggggggggggggggg!!!!!!
Right...lunch and leave children with grandad and go to housing place. Then home, take kids out to play ..do something nice for them Och just tired picking up sweetie papers and things from floor and finding dirty clothes everywhere and piles everywherer. Mind you, my room is pretty untidy too, so I guess I ve set the standadrs...right if you get annoyed...not that you eave sweetie papers, and that youve just sepnt 3 hours cleaning and the place is still dusty and everything needs cleaned ..paranoid now.
I dont know what to do Ive lost all trust in everything everyone, and if my father finds out he will dissown me, I am about to loose it with my mother who seems to me to be loopey and yes no one likes me...cant get rid of that thought..no one likes me..I dont even like me..i was thinking how I wish I could trun the clocks back hmmmwell at first thought 14 years,,,,but then second thoughts, nahe try 33and 6 months. Right carry on Katy..youll get there ..you will dont be put off by the high and mighty the people that have not got a clue about any of it...hey girl its not their fault either..its not..they just have no clue to how you feel on any of it ( sorry just taliing myself out of my dark place ...yeah , idont want to go back their get sucked in and never to return No NO NO I am better than what I was 2 years ago, much better, I am not going down that black slimey slide without fingernails or grips , no non o ..I can do this...I just need, to lift my head up...think sod it...he cant hurt you anymore,,,dont worry about what he says.they say..i know whats true, i also know the difference between good and bad, right and wrong, and I also know that respect is a great thing to have if I could buy self respect id be straight out the shop s right now.......awe gawd herer he comes ( yaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn) Boooooooooorrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiinggggggggggggggg!!!!!!
My nose is really sore..grrr!! Well i did lunch ..okay..kids are going to play with neighbours t, their grandad is going to watch something. I am going out to get my stuff sorted, So Im not that bad..and even though partner said stuff o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O to me last night....it has t o be as amicablea s it possibly can.......thats what Ive got to balance up with ...the stuuff in my head/the stuff hes done( the REAL stuff, and the stuff thats completet nonsesne. I can do that..I dont need to talk to anyone I can do that.............okay...I just need to stop ssccccccrseeeaming about it, shouting off about it and doing daft things..I just need to aSTAY calm
Mucked up. Cant walk...tokk a few steps...cyclist came up to me and asked if I was all right? Erm...couldnt talk let alone walk...so awful whats the matter with me. Had to arrange apointment for next Minday ..Maybe I should ring my doctor..or actually feel so bad now ..Im just going to bed...forget it...maybe that s all I need a wee sleep.
Ok, just had a good conversation with friend.....did that really happen ..anyway, yes indededy. Okay, a dr wouldnt talk about another patient -they are not allowed-is this true? And also, is he just spinning it on me, just to play his mind games, and finally am I that sick? If I am that sick, then its all his fault
Nope this thing, is connected to my nose, ears, eyes and throat Honestly I feel like my nose is being crushed in a vice...but other than that I feel fine(Indoors) Scared about wahts going on in my head, oustide
Nope this thing, is connected to my nose, ears, eyes and throat Honestly I feel like my nose is being crushed in a vice...but other than that I feel fine(Indoors) Scared about wahts going on in my head, oustide
Tod the lady everything on phone regarding situation...She was good, but put off my food..I have only 2 options now...Interdict...or homlessnees, ( neither look very appealing) so id rather go for the interdict but looking at solicitors adress and phone number and I know its the right thing to do, I just cant.....will I wait intil I hear form his solicitor or should I ring? I dont know what to do.Its in my girls best interests for me to do the interdic thing because they will be hear with me at home. thats better than getting moved from house to house and not knowing anything of whats goign on..So I have 1 option -interdict. cant go outside.
Tried to get to bank around the corner, to get to the shop to get the milk. I got to the machine wall thing, and everything strated to rotate ,yes the world was rotating and I could feel my legs wobble below..I caught myself with the machine and stood there looking like I was up to something. looked weel dodgie.....stopped spinning ....eventually saw the numbers so I could process transaction.then turned, OmG same tjhin gall over...Id even taken a golf umbrella so that I had extra support.
Lol, then an elderly entleman ....asuumed id just had a hit replacement , probably due to my tiny footsteps....gave me his arm and walked me to the shop..Phew, got the milk..he waited for me ( offered to wait for me) and then walked me to the nearest wall so I could shuffle along the wall. made it to the end of street..Then open space and huge panic and nothing to hold onto and head spinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn....so lean on brawley...lucky my neighbour found me and took me home. But ID ONT FEEL SICK not in the house..did have a little head sipn but nothing major, mind you once I got home I had to run to the lou...okay not going there whith the graphics :$
The phone call conversation with the woman from womans aid really worked this time. I can see what he is doing and it is in effect damaging for my children ( sweary word)......I told her everything....and anyway....maybe he is not as clever as I thought he was....I thought social services acted with the chidls interest at hear...well thats fine as my children have both statetd they do not want to move and that they need me/with alittle added extra, they want me to be here.So thats good stuff!
I rang the docotors surgery. Someon spoke to me , took down some details , and made an appointment. i amnow woried about how I am going to get there, if I get there and if they let me go how do I get home??Hmm and then the addded problem of what happens if I get hospitalised, and oh mum ...mum culd get my children..I dont think it will come to that though..its not like I am ill not reallly,,Ive also got a bad burn on my back ...not fom him I amy note, but from the sunshinse and its numb on my spine
I cant look at him anymore, not without things flashing before me..all the bad things just flash before me..Ive taken to listening to yes...Stranglers, when i cn put music on..Obviously not been able to listen to my ipod, but wrap it round me for some sort of comfort
My little girl got an upset tummy, curled up with me, and just not right ( ie) she is sleeping
This has gone on for 3 weeks, what if it never goes away ? what if I am like this for the rest of my year? Omg!!! Sorry on a bit of a rnat today.maybe as I rather disslike housework...its plain boring, yet has to get done ( yyyaaaaaaawnnnnnnn!!) Oh wondering if the combo of beconase and that ear pill could cause this-could it, if you have an answer for that , thenlet me know then maybe I could cancel that appointment???I doubt if I will manage it ..I cant even walk to the corner shop,, so dont know how I will manage that.
Lol, then an elderly entleman ....asuumed id just had a hit replacement , probably due to my tiny footsteps....gave me his arm and walked me to the shop..Phew, got the milk..he waited for me ( offered to wait for me) and then walked me to the nearest wall so I could shuffle along the wall. made it to the end of street..Then open space and huge panic and nothing to hold onto and head spinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn....so lean on brawley...lucky my neighbour found me and took me home. But ID ONT FEEL SICK not in the house..did have a little head sipn but nothing major, mind you once I got home I had to run to the lou...okay not going there whith the graphics :$
The phone call conversation with the woman from womans aid really worked this time. I can see what he is doing and it is in effect damaging for my children ( sweary word)......I told her everything....and anyway....maybe he is not as clever as I thought he was....I thought social services acted with the chidls interest at hear...well thats fine as my children have both statetd they do not want to move and that they need me/with alittle added extra, they want me to be here.So thats good stuff!
I rang the docotors surgery. Someon spoke to me , took down some details , and made an appointment. i amnow woried about how I am going to get there, if I get there and if they let me go how do I get home??Hmm and then the addded problem of what happens if I get hospitalised, and oh mum ...mum culd get my children..I dont think it will come to that though..its not like I am ill not reallly,,Ive also got a bad burn on my back ...not fom him I amy note, but from the sunshinse and its numb on my spine
I cant look at him anymore, not without things flashing before me..all the bad things just flash before me..Ive taken to listening to yes...Stranglers, when i cn put music on..Obviously not been able to listen to my ipod, but wrap it round me for some sort of comfort
My little girl got an upset tummy, curled up with me, and just not right ( ie) she is sleeping
This has gone on for 3 weeks, what if it never goes away ? what if I am like this for the rest of my year? Omg!!! Sorry on a bit of a rnat today.maybe as I rather disslike housework...its plain boring, yet has to get done ( yyyaaaaaaawnnnnnnn!!) Oh wondering if the combo of beconase and that ear pill could cause this-could it, if you have an answer for that , thenlet me know then maybe I could cancel that appointment???I doubt if I will manage it ..I cant even walk to the corner shop,, so dont know how I will manage that.