Seeing double! becaa, my little girl is not very well. All of a sudden all flushed, she was complaining about an upset stomach and then curled up with me ..I stroked her forehead until she was sound asleep...Then when she woke up she managed to eat a small sausage roll, al l she fancied...then still flushed and looking unwell, she has a spot on her hip. Iam thinking, soundslike the start of chicken pox, but could just be a bite. Not that I am a big fan of Mr Larkin, but we will all probably get sick through this.
I hate it when my children are ill ;makes me feel helpless.
I am worried about going to the doctors tomorrow-what if I cant manage it there? In doors I am my normal , ( actually tonight I am really nauseaeated but feel okay) still have to lean and finger touch walls to keep my balance.
I just wanted to get stuff done, but its really bad, I cant even gget from a to b..I am not waisting the profesionals time, am I ? I just worry all the time about what others think, when its a bit mad, as most dont really carare, or are designed to think "not her again!" i am worried i will get stuck off my doctors books...but I am not feeling well ..my nose is very sore..I wish the vice would stop crushing it!
I am thinking about listing everything as I know you are only allowed 7 minutes or something..that is exactly 420 seconds to discuss anything from life threatening to a wart. thats mad. i mean really , what if I were an extremley slow talker with a stutter....would they give you extra time in that case? i dont kkonw I just think the worlds a bit mad. I guess rules are rules and we do need them. I think too that my doctor..I dont think hates me, but maybe just doesnt want to get involved. the very fact, my partner is another one of his clients does not help, so I am stil thinking about changing GPs, not for want but maybe for need.
What if I otoo have a brain tumour, double visoin and I even have slurred my words ( without alcohol ...just to make sure you all know that) its maybe pure exhaustion...but I do think there is something wrong medically...i dont know why I am having to catch myself before i fall all th etime. Its driving me crazy.
Oh my cousin has deciced to become a comedian 9 bles him) Like he says it doesnt matter about the brown stuff as long as you can keep yourself together (whoops!) yes, stated he had some OASIS soup...and that he had a roll with it 8-| 8-| 8-| XD XD hes so not changed , and its great to be back intouch. All my ant ever wanted was for us cousins to be close , and its starting to happen..I can be open with him as i want and he understands Phew -thankgod for that ...someone who knows me and cares for me and is not an alcoholic UNDERSTANDS!!!
I hate it when my children are ill ;makes me feel helpless.
I am worried about going to the doctors tomorrow-what if I cant manage it there? In doors I am my normal , ( actually tonight I am really nauseaeated but feel okay) still have to lean and finger touch walls to keep my balance.
I just wanted to get stuff done, but its really bad, I cant even gget from a to b..I am not waisting the profesionals time, am I ? I just worry all the time about what others think, when its a bit mad, as most dont really carare, or are designed to think "not her again!" i am worried i will get stuck off my doctors books...but I am not feeling well ..my nose is very sore..I wish the vice would stop crushing it!
I am thinking about listing everything as I know you are only allowed 7 minutes or something..that is exactly 420 seconds to discuss anything from life threatening to a wart. thats mad. i mean really , what if I were an extremley slow talker with a stutter....would they give you extra time in that case? i dont kkonw I just think the worlds a bit mad. I guess rules are rules and we do need them. I think too that my doctor..I dont think hates me, but maybe just doesnt want to get involved. the very fact, my partner is another one of his clients does not help, so I am stil thinking about changing GPs, not for want but maybe for need.
What if I otoo have a brain tumour, double visoin and I even have slurred my words ( without alcohol ...just to make sure you all know that) its maybe pure exhaustion...but I do think there is something wrong medically...i dont know why I am having to catch myself before i fall all th etime. Its driving me crazy.
Oh my cousin has deciced to become a comedian 9 bles him) Like he says it doesnt matter about the brown stuff as long as you can keep yourself together (whoops!) yes, stated he had some OASIS soup...and that he had a roll with it 8-| 8-| 8-| XD XD hes so not changed , and its great to be back intouch. All my ant ever wanted was for us cousins to be close , and its starting to happen..I can be open with him as i want and he understands Phew -thankgod for that ...someone who knows me and cares for me and is not an alcoholic UNDERSTANDS!!!
Don't mention the wart!!! ;-) XD just mention the big stuff, and STUFF the 7 minutes, if he is any kind of doctor he will know you are in crisis mode. Let him look at this site, Katy, if you can't muster the words to tell him. Let him see the despair you are in and the HELP he needs to offer you and GET for you. As a victim of abuse, you are networked to protect! You will put yourself infront of a moving train before saying the truth. BUT this time you HAVE to say the truth. No more victim, no more Peter, JUST KATY TELLING THE TRUTH!!! OK? You know I'm behind you, holding you up and you CAN and WILL do this!!!!!!
becca has gone downhill. In my bed now...sleeping. i m worried. i shall tell my socotr about his place, butr eally it wil be a little embarassing-but hey like a firend once said...if youcant talk to your doctor like a friend-you have the wrong doctor. I remebr thinking o.O No, you should really only see a docotr at the end gates, when things are so so tough , youre either not bretathing, fainting, vomiting ( all the time) or just really realy sick.
Ive seen my Gp so so much lately , Ive hidden much too and hes asked questions ( and worse ive lied0 not about what I do to myself, but aboutother peoples behaviour...at th etime I thought i wasa cting in my families interest.NOW i realise it was the wort thing I culd have possiby have done!!! Now i think , if i make it ther eIll have to take my abay...Shes not a bay, shes 6..its just shes my baby..All her features even her baby teeth are intact and she has such a fun loving nature..I hate seeing her this way.i feel guilty .
My ex is still in the belief that I am the one ill. After speaking to that woman at womans aid , i feel a bit more together. Ive always felt like ive initiated things, like i deserved it, or like I am abusing him...I know I have..i did it when my sister was here..i NOW... this was years ago...but i was drinking from a posh wine glass my dad had bought ( his favourite) and I was so sick fed up with my children having to make do ....school trousers too short...or illfitting shoes , and the mess I always had to clean and the fact that he has NEVER provided. hey look some woman get engagement rings....(lol0 I got a flickaty rug..that got so skanky, especially with young children. All he ever wanted to do was....oh not going there...disgusts me!
Bambi I ama scared...but would you mind if i just told him...about this place..it might make it all simpler. i can speak to people on the phone better than face to face and there is so so much here that I think I should be brave and deal with it...I am not the imature victim he seed before him ( that way) I am just Katy..do you think that the best idea? I dont know, But also and no offence to you.I dont want hime to think I am brain washing myself on the internet...I dont believe that, so pls take no offence by that. Bambi, I need your luck but bless you for being here for me...I think I have done some horrible damaing things in my life to loved ones ( non intentionally) but also think, I am a clever motivated person , that CAN and will get a decent living and earn her means for her lovely children. I really want to. I want to be me again feel free, and not scared, though I know I will feel scared. thats another problem....Icant even turn my head to ake sure noo one is following behind me...I ahte that...it petrifies me!
Ive seen my Gp so so much lately , Ive hidden much too and hes asked questions ( and worse ive lied0 not about what I do to myself, but aboutother peoples behaviour...at th etime I thought i wasa cting in my families interest.NOW i realise it was the wort thing I culd have possiby have done!!! Now i think , if i make it ther eIll have to take my abay...Shes not a bay, shes 6..its just shes my baby..All her features even her baby teeth are intact and she has such a fun loving nature..I hate seeing her this way.i feel guilty .
My ex is still in the belief that I am the one ill. After speaking to that woman at womans aid , i feel a bit more together. Ive always felt like ive initiated things, like i deserved it, or like I am abusing him...I know I have..i did it when my sister was here..i NOW... this was years ago...but i was drinking from a posh wine glass my dad had bought ( his favourite) and I was so sick fed up with my children having to make do ....school trousers too short...or illfitting shoes , and the mess I always had to clean and the fact that he has NEVER provided. hey look some woman get engagement rings....(lol0 I got a flickaty rug..that got so skanky, especially with young children. All he ever wanted to do was....oh not going there...disgusts me!
Bambi I ama scared...but would you mind if i just told him...about this place..it might make it all simpler. i can speak to people on the phone better than face to face and there is so so much here that I think I should be brave and deal with it...I am not the imature victim he seed before him ( that way) I am just Katy..do you think that the best idea? I dont know, But also and no offence to you.I dont want hime to think I am brain washing myself on the internet...I dont believe that, so pls take no offence by that. Bambi, I need your luck but bless you for being here for me...I think I have done some horrible damaing things in my life to loved ones ( non intentionally) but also think, I am a clever motivated person , that CAN and will get a decent living and earn her means for her lovely children. I really want to. I want to be me again feel free, and not scared, though I know I will feel scared. thats another problem....Icant even turn my head to ake sure noo one is following behind me...I ahte that...it petrifies me!
the other thing I think-is yes this has ben a horrible time-but turn it on its head. help others that are like me-or those in need!! I truly think people in the care profession are involved(as they care)..If they dont-then surely they are in the wrong job? Am I right? Anuwau-going to hit the hay..God, i miss friend, peole, adult company..............hmm heart pounding too fast, feeling scared...The woman from womans aid asked my solicitors name. I hope youre allowed to rveal such stuff, as i told her..Hmmmmmm-worried!
I am feeling a sense of relief coming here Katy! I think you are seeing the light and starting to feel some relief! Your doctor was asking you questions because he already knew the answers, BUT he needed you to provide the answers. So NOW he will know that when you tell him what has happened then he can put it all together. He is a professional, and will have learned the signs of abuse! Like I said earlier, Katy, you have been programmed probably ALL your life, to think of yourself as the lowest on the totem pole, and that you HAVE to keep the secrets, you HAVE to protect the "Family!" Anyone that has gone through ANY kind of abuse, even animals that are abused, will do whatever it takes to protect the abuser!! Even abusing themselves more, such as negative terrible talk too themselves, hurting themselves, drinking excessively, doing drugs, sleeping around etc. It is CLASSIC protectionism! We are wired to think that is something WE did to get this abuse to us. WE are the ones that aren't worthy etc.
Many who have recovered from abuse, DO indeed help others. Like myself I can relate to many people on these message boards, because I have been through many of the same things. And when you get over all of this - AND YOU WILL!!! Then you will be a fantastic candidate to help out at places for women. There's a name for what you are going through it is called "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" It has always been used for soldiers that have terrible symptoms AFTER a war, but it is now used for people who have suffered abuse. Because it IS a war that you have to fight every day isn't it? So focus on getting your girl AND yourself WELL! And then you will overcome all the rest. Just say the TRUTH!!!!
Many who have recovered from abuse, DO indeed help others. Like myself I can relate to many people on these message boards, because I have been through many of the same things. And when you get over all of this - AND YOU WILL!!! Then you will be a fantastic candidate to help out at places for women. There's a name for what you are going through it is called "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" It has always been used for soldiers that have terrible symptoms AFTER a war, but it is now used for people who have suffered abuse. Because it IS a war that you have to fight every day isn't it? So focus on getting your girl AND yourself WELL! And then you will overcome all the rest. Just say the TRUTH!!!!
Yeah XD Maybe i should cancel that appointment. Iam ok!
Its like you have stated-I truly believed i was the horrible person, my behaviour did.does not help either. After talking to yoyu and that womna at womans aid...I dont think I feel so bad...Not today..i think I am ok to carry on now...Ok its going to be like climbing a mountain with a few severe avalanches-and me with GaD.....going up the mountain..I think coming down will be the harder part.( thats not funny actually, lost a firned in an avalanche yrs agao).
I am just dreading going outside...what if I get stuck again..When i t happens and I try to get out my washing cycle...I dont even realise how much time it all absorbs...i mean going into work half an hour late with tears rolling down your face....oh.well..I ll take my mobile..I could crawl :$ :$ :$ o.O No joke!
Its like you have stated-I truly believed i was the horrible person, my behaviour did.does not help either. After talking to yoyu and that womna at womans aid...I dont think I feel so bad...Not today..i think I am ok to carry on now...Ok its going to be like climbing a mountain with a few severe avalanches-and me with GaD.....going up the mountain..I think coming down will be the harder part.( thats not funny actually, lost a firned in an avalanche yrs agao).
I am just dreading going outside...what if I get stuck again..When i t happens and I try to get out my washing cycle...I dont even realise how much time it all absorbs...i mean going into work half an hour late with tears rolling down your face....oh.well..I ll take my mobile..I could crawl :$ :$ :$ o.O No joke!
Hi bambi-I am dissapointed in me...but ok...Had an awful morning. Wlaked the children to school and as soon as I let go of their hands, I had to , i mean had to grab onto a pole....then there wasa gap and steps, I looked down the steps o.O and started to swirl ..my legs started to shake and I could feel ( at least it felt as though I was going to fall)...Pff I had to scrape myself round the school building walls to get to the other side to get to the steps with the handrail..Then a lady came to my aid...She helped me to a wall and then I got stuck again..Eventuallym a lady came by and offered me a lift home,,,,she told me to go to see my Gp...I explained I had arranged an appointment. She said r"Right , ill just drive you there and you can sit and wait' So I did....
Get this...id even put this info -site on a pstit note so he could read me...then thought nahe ..dont think doctors do that.
Anyway, checked balance and coordination...and this is really weird but the corridors in there are kind of dark and narrow ( well compared to outside in the sunlight) so as I was walking home I am thinking ..this rd is just a dark corridor I am not going to fall.....So thats a bit sh*t...that this is all mental..but hey on the good side its not physical so maybe I am stronger than what i think.
Every second day ...hyper mum comes and ...love her, but she doesnt watch what she says to me...and cant believe how she appears..I think shes so mareialistic, self centred, but sensitive, caring and kind, but bloody hell hyper..shes is so hyper...I guess I am starting to laugh with my sister about all her idiocies-anyway.cant tell my fmaily , but docotr took bloods ,,,,,,and referred me to a drinks specialist ( humm...so whne this happens Can I just say to my mum its just more counselling-or wil she be able to find out? Just wonder, as ive done enough upset on her....can I do this? ##yrs old and scared of my pwn mother!!!!
Get this...id even put this info -site on a pstit note so he could read me...then thought nahe ..dont think doctors do that.
Anyway, checked balance and coordination...and this is really weird but the corridors in there are kind of dark and narrow ( well compared to outside in the sunlight) so as I was walking home I am thinking ..this rd is just a dark corridor I am not going to fall.....So thats a bit sh*t...that this is all mental..but hey on the good side its not physical so maybe I am stronger than what i think.
Every second day ...hyper mum comes and ...love her, but she doesnt watch what she says to me...and cant believe how she appears..I think shes so mareialistic, self centred, but sensitive, caring and kind, but bloody hell hyper..shes is so hyper...I guess I am starting to laugh with my sister about all her idiocies-anyway.cant tell my fmaily , but docotr took bloods ,,,,,,and referred me to a drinks specialist ( humm...so whne this happens Can I just say to my mum its just more counselling-or wil she be able to find out? Just wonder, as ive done enough upset on her....can I do this? ##yrs old and scared of my pwn mother!!!!
I thought I had the are infection well actuallly thinkits those 2 dimwits.....they are soo sosososososinsensitive Hes beeing all polite and my mother has just bought him lunch...Hes even effing doing the dishes to make him look ok...p*****f...and mum if youd listen to me maybe I wouldnt drink so much...(Ie) She does not seem to realise that this really hurts ...the more she says hmmm yeah you DONT DRINK....blah blah blah,...I think ..no way its the only thing that will get me thourhg this......Especially due to the fact she doesnt listen believes me over him...and is all polite. Quite frankly Id like to kick both of them out of thi is flat right now, right this minute....How can anyone be so 2 faced....At leats i tell him...I tellhim the honest truth...I even tell her ( mum t) I dont tell her how much I drink though-NO way -that would be a prison sentence.....Oh and she came in ...the first thing she said was"Has that rug faded with the sunlight"""Do es she think I give a sod about a bloody rug....ahwhn uii am going to be lucky to get out tof this situationalive....... Honestly, and now i feel guilty aabout being a b***h , but Im not really , i teel her tooo....high pitched voice."Mum you dont listen" I want to scccccccccreeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmm, and tell them bioth to give me some piece! :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$
Sorry that was believes him over me-( not the other way round) I think I am going mmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Grrr!!! Urm- not so good. Mum was just too much and hime ...well he started to ry and ball nicey nicey with my mum...i caouldnt take it..Then shes polite back. Couldnt take it..But it has nothing to do with him and her..I just feltt as though she was believeing him over me..( that hurt) so I guess why I got all rowdy with her. I ve never argued with my mum...but whoops that will be the third to be recorded.
I realsied when she said"Katy your are going to give yourself a breakdown , and hes wound you up, and youve fallen for it hook line and sinker....and Katy,,,I am not blind...I can see exactly what he is doing...But the issues are between you and him, and I dont want to run the risk of seeing my grandchildren" I get where she coming from now...but cant help but feel she will do anything to see those kids despite hism hurting me....or whatever....Anyway,,,massive fight...screaminat her,,she at me...then I crumbled ..."Mum youre so right ...sh*t....ive done it again!!! She cuddled me and I apologised...Then she helped me to do some housework...but just so emotional today. Get a grip...I need a grip. Children were playing a a friends house and are shattered...funny Becca is better, I think she was worried about getting a new school teacher...she loved her last school teacher and had her for 2 yrs,,,so I think all these changes are making her feel a bit insecure about what to make of the world. She is such a sensitive we person and I really feel for her..Its always the way though one thing goes wrong. and it seems as if the world has been turned upside down. I understand her... She has me though that makes me fel better.
Mum bleached the lou and Ive been gaging ever since..I hate thte smell of bleach!
I realsied when she said"Katy your are going to give yourself a breakdown , and hes wound you up, and youve fallen for it hook line and sinker....and Katy,,,I am not blind...I can see exactly what he is doing...But the issues are between you and him, and I dont want to run the risk of seeing my grandchildren" I get where she coming from now...but cant help but feel she will do anything to see those kids despite hism hurting me....or whatever....Anyway,,,massive fight...screaminat her,,she at me...then I crumbled ..."Mum youre so right ...sh*t....ive done it again!!! She cuddled me and I apologised...Then she helped me to do some housework...but just so emotional today. Get a grip...I need a grip. Children were playing a a friends house and are shattered...funny Becca is better, I think she was worried about getting a new school teacher...she loved her last school teacher and had her for 2 yrs,,,so I think all these changes are making her feel a bit insecure about what to make of the world. She is such a sensitive we person and I really feel for her..Its always the way though one thing goes wrong. and it seems as if the world has been turned upside down. I understand her... She has me though that makes me fel better.
Mum bleached the lou and Ive been gaging ever since..I hate thte smell of bleach!
I cant switch off tonight...been trying to sleep, but when I lie down everything is thumping in my head. Sorry, before I go n, I truly apologise for my rantings. Sometimes, and my mum even gave me a huge row for being on the computer...Yes, i guess she too has a point, but ..although I know its a bit neglgant of me, ( concerning the kids) well you can probably tell I type fast,get it down quick...its a bit like brainstorming for me...( she does have a point)
Though i find my mum ( even though I thinkher a fantastic person 9 which she is) I find her very controlling and everything has to be ON her terms..she cant seem to remeber what our childhood was like.I dont blame her. now I am a parent , I totaly understand that no parent will ever be perfect...I did scream at her and oh boy this seems so bitter and I feel really bad as my mum has just recovered from having several operations and when she was ill I coulnt cope with the thought of loosing her. Now, shes just hyperactive , and to me worries about material things soso much . She does this thing..ive started to do it too, but she sits and twists her hair, and when she has issues she doesnt speak its almost like she groans.. i didnt even want my mum to know any of my @@@ , but she is the only one near me, and the only constance in my life. Pls dont missunderstand me here, I love and really respect my mum , I know what I am doing to myself is wrong..but cant but help think what t is, or why I feel so bitter about the past.
My mum used to moan a lot, and if she didnt get her own way shed be in a BIG bad mood, ( hmmm-not sure if I am like that)....then sometimes she would bang the dishes in the kitchen ..just so we would know that she ws washing up...She also used to make us do our own washing from ( well in my case the age of 9, ) Used to make us make our bed , and used to make us iron our clothes..( ok-you might say thats a good thing...taught us independence) yes, it has..i I guess ifavour her teachings, though I do think a childhood is so very shortlived..that I want be imposing this kind of independence on my children until hopefully early teens...Now I rarely iron ..in fact i cant truthfully say , I make ironing a treat wet day in for me. ( On ocassion0
maybe I am here now, as the girls have gone to bed, hes come home and I just want him away from me. Every word hits me like a blow to the head. Every word..I was screaming at my mum"Id never want my children to end up like this" Mm held me she just held me, butnow I feel really guilty for having put her through all my emotion. She means the best ..and also she can be great fun and I do know she does love me-jusyt Ive really badly dissapointed her..Gone from being a A grade b grade to e grade ( in fact all theletters of the alphabet student , in her book).
I cant handle him and his ( just words at the moment) and i cant handle me.I am ashamed and disslike who I am at the present..I am also very scared,,,if I cant walk the streets and an emergency comes up ( what am I going to do?) I amalso verys cared i colapse in the street and like you (bambi -so sorry ) has said it will all be out my control by thn.
Im worried to, my doctor took LFts today , and I know my back maybe liver has been sore..so worried about that. I really , wel I kow i could get better when hes not around, but I know I wil mis him- nin a bizarrewasy, For instance: if I am not well, I manage to get some form of relaxing( ie I hand the children to him ) If I am that bad.
I really dont understand why this has got bad ( actually i lie , I know why its got worse) Its a bit like what ent before has come round again...and it is basically for anyone else who manages a healthy living...a nightmare..I
I remeber as a student , one summer I went home Id gone out with a few ( well what I would describe as a bunch of weirdoos) I remebr not wanting to date some guy....and having loads of self respect ( thinking he is not for you) and then testin g my own thoughts..well actually got to know them as frineds and then it extended form there on..then Id go ut with them..and for some reason...Id ring adnd they have an excuse, or hed make a date , and he wouldnt show,,,but then phone and show great interest. i really was bad then . i lay in my bed for 4 weeks thinking what is this stuff all about..I used to ..not cry but stay up late doing essays and just studying constantly to try and forget. i remeber it well as I got many top marks in my year ( that year) O ther students though I was heading for a first at that point but I had no self belief not for that..though I could graft and get marks, my marks never came from textbooks, but situation di been in but wrote in third hand info..ie used it by eample and then backed up by theroy..I am waffling now...sorry.
I cant get it out my head..been shaking all night...been trying to relax..and I cant.I knwo my dad will be on my sie, but I cant face the phone call not because i dont love him or anything I just cant face it.
If this is just because of anxiety ( is hsould be able to control by now-I truly think I culd , if he werent around) I find him a controlling snitch...I mean he does things..I think ive told before...bt ok , he doesnt drink wine, just beer, but that too is a thing for him.
I just cant get these things out my head, When I walk in the street I cant even turn my head. i f I hear footsteps it starts..I look like a freak I truly do ...when Im home now, I just want to lie down, I cant understand why this is happening..not after tryingto beat it for so long. I dont get it..Ok , I better go ..done it again
Though i find my mum ( even though I thinkher a fantastic person 9 which she is) I find her very controlling and everything has to be ON her terms..she cant seem to remeber what our childhood was like.I dont blame her. now I am a parent , I totaly understand that no parent will ever be perfect...I did scream at her and oh boy this seems so bitter and I feel really bad as my mum has just recovered from having several operations and when she was ill I coulnt cope with the thought of loosing her. Now, shes just hyperactive , and to me worries about material things soso much . She does this thing..ive started to do it too, but she sits and twists her hair, and when she has issues she doesnt speak its almost like she groans.. i didnt even want my mum to know any of my @@@ , but she is the only one near me, and the only constance in my life. Pls dont missunderstand me here, I love and really respect my mum , I know what I am doing to myself is wrong..but cant but help think what t is, or why I feel so bitter about the past.
My mum used to moan a lot, and if she didnt get her own way shed be in a BIG bad mood, ( hmmm-not sure if I am like that)....then sometimes she would bang the dishes in the kitchen ..just so we would know that she ws washing up...She also used to make us do our own washing from ( well in my case the age of 9, ) Used to make us make our bed , and used to make us iron our clothes..( ok-you might say thats a good thing...taught us independence) yes, it has..i I guess ifavour her teachings, though I do think a childhood is so very shortlived..that I want be imposing this kind of independence on my children until hopefully early teens...Now I rarely iron ..in fact i cant truthfully say , I make ironing a treat wet day in for me. ( On ocassion0
maybe I am here now, as the girls have gone to bed, hes come home and I just want him away from me. Every word hits me like a blow to the head. Every word..I was screaming at my mum"Id never want my children to end up like this" Mm held me she just held me, butnow I feel really guilty for having put her through all my emotion. She means the best ..and also she can be great fun and I do know she does love me-jusyt Ive really badly dissapointed her..Gone from being a A grade b grade to e grade ( in fact all theletters of the alphabet student , in her book).
I cant handle him and his ( just words at the moment) and i cant handle me.I am ashamed and disslike who I am at the present..I am also very scared,,,if I cant walk the streets and an emergency comes up ( what am I going to do?) I amalso verys cared i colapse in the street and like you (bambi -so sorry ) has said it will all be out my control by thn.
Im worried to, my doctor took LFts today , and I know my back maybe liver has been sore..so worried about that. I really , wel I kow i could get better when hes not around, but I know I wil mis him- nin a bizarrewasy, For instance: if I am not well, I manage to get some form of relaxing( ie I hand the children to him ) If I am that bad.
I really dont understand why this has got bad ( actually i lie , I know why its got worse) Its a bit like what ent before has come round again...and it is basically for anyone else who manages a healthy living...a nightmare..I
I remeber as a student , one summer I went home Id gone out with a few ( well what I would describe as a bunch of weirdoos) I remebr not wanting to date some guy....and having loads of self respect ( thinking he is not for you) and then testin g my own thoughts..well actually got to know them as frineds and then it extended form there on..then Id go ut with them..and for some reason...Id ring adnd they have an excuse, or hed make a date , and he wouldnt show,,,but then phone and show great interest. i really was bad then . i lay in my bed for 4 weeks thinking what is this stuff all about..I used to ..not cry but stay up late doing essays and just studying constantly to try and forget. i remeber it well as I got many top marks in my year ( that year) O ther students though I was heading for a first at that point but I had no self belief not for that..though I could graft and get marks, my marks never came from textbooks, but situation di been in but wrote in third hand info..ie used it by eample and then backed up by theroy..I am waffling now...sorry.
I cant get it out my head..been shaking all night...been trying to relax..and I cant.I knwo my dad will be on my sie, but I cant face the phone call not because i dont love him or anything I just cant face it.
If this is just because of anxiety ( is hsould be able to control by now-I truly think I culd , if he werent around) I find him a controlling snitch...I mean he does things..I think ive told before...bt ok , he doesnt drink wine, just beer, but that too is a thing for him.
I just cant get these things out my head, When I walk in the street I cant even turn my head. i f I hear footsteps it starts..I look like a freak I truly do ...when Im home now, I just want to lie down, I cant understand why this is happening..not after tryingto beat it for so long. I dont get it..Ok , I better go ..done it again
When I wrote they /I meant he.( god o.O that could be a bit ambiguous0...Id never 2 time anyone , never have and never will ...or have a randsome happy party with many, but just read that post and though Omg-thats what it sounds like!
Thinking back over time and evrything...I am trying to motivate the unmotivated to do something they never want to do. When I loook back and I am sorry if Bambi you still read me-but he has never anaged to find a place to live ( for himslef) ..I have said to him "Seriously , you need to fins a place, and fast" his response"i dont need to do anything fast" i am thinking..with my well being and my children best interests here..He needs to move out fast ...before I react fast..i cant handle this prison sentence any longer.
I think it worng that any man should even wamt their children parted from their mum..i find that wrong..especially where girls are concerned. i find it insulting that hed even think I dbugger of and leave them with hi,....bu the more I ask him questions the more scared I get. i can see his anger and pent up fruastaratinboiling...it makes me petrified even..as I know what he is cpable of ( to me) I know he would not physicaly harm the children -but he thinks he can hurt me and get away with it...Pls...I come here as if he strikes me again and I feel to weak to repond to it...I want someone just to tell me what to do...cause when things do go wired..i think its me..so I dont act and shrivel up like a pickled something..Please I ask this favour ( its a biggie I knwo) but I truly believe it could work.
I think it worng that any man should even wamt their children parted from their mum..i find that wrong..especially where girls are concerned. i find it insulting that hed even think I dbugger of and leave them with hi,....bu the more I ask him questions the more scared I get. i can see his anger and pent up fruastaratinboiling...it makes me petrified even..as I know what he is cpable of ( to me) I know he would not physicaly harm the children -but he thinks he can hurt me and get away with it...Pls...I come here as if he strikes me again and I feel to weak to repond to it...I want someone just to tell me what to do...cause when things do go wired..i think its me..so I dont act and shrivel up like a pickled something..Please I ask this favour ( its a biggie I knwo) but I truly believe it could work.
Icant handle this situation...so...this is what iam thinking.No breathing technique-no natural sound cd, no nothing seems to help me....so
I am thinking about my granda,,,when he used to cuddle me...or stoke my hair and tell me I was precious- and tell me- I was /or had a talent.I can even go on holiday with mum and go to his house..If I amgoing to go back to the passed with all these flashbacks, and all that ( him ) bluh has done, I am also going to go back to my happy secure days..\I am going to go back a relive, when my aunt adored me, when she taught me how to chop tomatoes, paint her garden fence make jewellery...get dressed up feel good about yourself..Thats what I am going to do for the next few days..remebr me..sorry just that nothing else seems to be working.
I am thinking about my granda,,,when he used to cuddle me...or stoke my hair and tell me I was precious- and tell me- I was /or had a talent.I can even go on holiday with mum and go to his house..If I amgoing to go back to the passed with all these flashbacks, and all that ( him ) bluh has done, I am also going to go back to my happy secure days..\I am going to go back a relive, when my aunt adored me, when she taught me how to chop tomatoes, paint her garden fence make jewellery...get dressed up feel good about yourself..Thats what I am going to do for the next few days..remebr me..sorry just that nothing else seems to be working.
Once I am over all this- iam going to apply to be a nurse-stuffit-this is the thing that eatsme....theres so much worse going on..people dying and not wanting to-especially when theyve made a go of things. once I get out of here 9even if i have o be the bottom of the bottom-I dont care) somehas to be at the bottom-to make some else look tops..i really do not care-Ill do auxillary if that is what it takes, and then grew slowly from there. I hate the way i am . i think this is the most truthful step i coudl do. Its not top notch stuff, and id be there if anyone wanted to talk..