I'm pregnant and married but my husband doesn't want it, what should i do?;

I think that it is sad to hear about all of the relationship/marriage problems that arise from an unexpected pregnancy. I too have (and still am) experiencing the same type of problem. Here are my views and my feelings...and the action I took.

When my husband came home from Iraq we were thrilled about starting a life together, buy a house etc. I had been divorced and have a pre-teen while he has two teen daughters that live out of state (that we see a few times per year). Since I am over 30 I really thought I was done having babies and didn't plan for one. He made his feelings clear that he wanted to move on and have "grown up time". We bought a house 5 months after he returned from Iraq, and started building our life....a month later we found out I was 2 months pregnant.
His immediate reaction was "take a pill and get rid of it...it's not a baby, it's just a clump of blood right now". My immediate reaction was panic. I hadn't wanted another child, but I was now pregnant...something inside me knew that I could never terminate a pregnancy. I knew I couldn't live with the guilt and the remorse. After a few days of intense arguing and debate, I told him I would NOT terminate. I told him that he could take his walking papers and then I would not even pursue him. I could do this alone.
He said he wasn't going to bail on me but wanted me to know he didn't agree nor did he want this. I did what ever I could to force him to just leave because I didn't want to deal with trying to be happy with a pregnancy while knowing that my relationship was destroyed. I just didn't want to have to conceal my disgust for his disregard for my emotions.

I am now 36 weeks pregnant and it has been a hard road. I have wanted my pregnancy to be a happy one, but it has been a struggle having my spouse in my life still. There are days when he will send me a text or email telling me how sorry that he is for being so insensitive and he really wants to be supportive and better for me, he is sorry I am so unhappy etc. Then there are days when I feel I need sympathy and he has none. I find him one day putting the stroller together, and the next telling me "well you're the one who wanted this baby, not me". He is so wishy washy and it makes it such a struggle.

A HUGE part of me wishes he could just stop and realize what we have created and maybe have some empathy for me.....I am huge and miserable and can't sleep and have swollen feet, yet I haven't asked him to comfort me, rub me, stay up with me or anything (nor has he offered even one time in 36 weeks). I feel torn still with emotions.

A part of me has hope deep down inside that once he sees his daughter he will be thrilled and fall into "daddy mode" but a more rational part of me fears that he will be more distant and I'll be doing this alone (which I was prepared for all along) but still living in a house with a man who I am in a marriage to that no longer wants me because I had his baby.

I have started just distancing myself and doing my own activities with my friends, family and daughter in order to feel healthier and more optomistic about the baby arriving. My husband and I live in room mate style situation where we both have opposite schedules and dont see each other but in passing. I feel my emotions toward him fading away with each neglectful comment or lack of support from him.

I understand what many of the women who post here are feeling...I really do. BUT one thing I don't, nor will I ever regret is my decision to keep this baby inside me. This decision is what was best for me, my older daughter and the one inside me.
IF my husband doesn't take his head out of his butt by the time the baby comes along, I am prepared to live my life ignoring him and doing my own thing with people who DO support me and my children.

To clear things out, I have never been in this kind of situation nor i know anybody that has. But I was reading many of these posts here, and I find them very touching. All of you have struggled through a lot and this is not fair. People should not go through these kind of things. When people have a chance of being happy they should, and nothing should stop them on their way. Having a children is on of the happiest thing that i can think of. I see that they are many strong women here like N.B or sassyladyj or Hizgrace4all, and many guests (don't know their nicknames). And your stories are very inspiring and they should be motivation from many out there who are in same position. Keep sharing your experiences because they are very helpful.
I wish you all the best in your lives.

Hi NB, I read through this thread and it really broke my heart. I'm sorry to hear that you had such a hard time with everything but I hope that you're doing better now. If you still post here, I'd like to hear from you and see how you're doing. How have things been?

Hi all

Thank you so much for all your messages of support and understanding, i am quite simply overwhelmed. I hope all those that have shared their experiences on here are doing well.

Seeing as so many asked after me, i just wanted to let you know how i was doing. Since my termination things between my husband and i have been strained. Although he has kept his promise in the fact that he has continued to be by my side and is trying really hard to please me and make me happy, i can't help feeling that no amount of trying will ever replace what i gave up that day back in March. It is a constant struggle (for me) to try and keep our marriage in tact. Needless to say that we have talked about where we go from here and i have been honest enough to admit to him that my feelings have changed with regards to having a family. I have explained that although i am not ready for a family right now i would like one in the future. He explained to me that his mind will never change and he really does not wish the same, i respect his decision as he has always made this known from the beginning and i always felt the same however it is this sad experience that has led me to have a change of heart. Obviously this leads us at a bit of a crossroads where i will need to make a decision as to what path i want my life to take, a decision that i really dont want to have to make nor did i ever think i would have to make. For now, i wish to stay in this marriage, but i know there will come a day when i shall have to decide what i want more, a family, or my husband, i am scared of the answer and i'm sure he will be scared to hear it.

Anyway, for now, i wish you all a whole heap of hapiness and hope you are all doing well too. x

Well things have changed in you since that day. And it is normal for you to feel this way. Maybe, whit given time with your husband, you can try talk him in too it. If you decide on doing this, do not rush thing. Try to show him benefits of this. Maybe he will get in too it in time.
This is just an suggestion, but I'm interested have you thought about this?

Hi dark_red

Thanks for your reply. My husband and i have spoken a lot about this and he has made it very clear that there will be no chance of talking him round, and to be honest i don't want to. I don't want to beg and plead for something that i know he doesn't really want, when i have a family i want it to be with someone who will get excited and look forward to all the things having a family brings with it, not with someone who has begrudgingly gone along with what i want. I'm finding that all i can do is be honest with him, i have told him that there will come a point where i will have to make a decision and that it is not a choice that is going to be easy at all, he wasn't angry, he wasn't very happy about the response and seemed dissapointed but like i say all i can do is be honest with him. For now i am making the most of what we have together, we are trying to move forward and plan things so we have things to look forward to but i don't think this will last forever, material things can only replace the want of having a family for so long.

I wished things were easier in that he might change his mind one day as i'd love nothing more than to have his child, but i have to learn to accept that this will never happen and so i will have to face the thought of leaving someone who i love deeply. Needles to say, this will be very hard and very emotional. It is certainly not a day i will be looking forward to, to say the least. At the moment i am just taking each day as it comes and trying to enjoy my second chance of living life while i'm still young.

Thanks for your kind words.

Hi,
it seams that you are in hard position. You really want to have a child but your husband is really against it. you did a good thing by teling him the truth. To me his response is little strange, not angry but not happy also. I know you said he made it clear on this issue, but when time passes something may change in him. I'm just saying be prepared for this as well.

He wasn't angry about me changing my mind to have a family but i could tell he was disappointed and sad by the thought of us not being together if i chose to leave.

Ideally i would like to start a family when i am in my mid 30s so if i see no change in his decision before then i shall have to make my choice, he knows this. Of course, i would be delighted if he were to change his mind before then!

Until i am forced to make my decision i want to make the most of the time we have together. If i decide to leave i know we will have tried our best, if i decide not to surely it can only get better.

Thanks again for your post.

It seams that you two love each other very much. This will definitely be hard decision for both of you.
It is hard to tell anything about this. He seams as he made his mind clear about this, but you have to know that there is always a chance that he can change his mind. You have to hope for this.
I know that children and pets can not be compared, but I'm interested if you have any pets? And if you do, how does he behave with them?

Hi dark_red

To answer your question, yes we have 3 cats and surprisingly enough he loves them dearly and always refers to us as Mummy and Daddy! But you only have to get him near a child and he's just not interested! His brother recently (May) welcomed the arrival of a new baby girl, my husband has held her once, begrudginly may i add, to have our picture taken with her. The baby was in between the two of us but i mainly had hold of her. When we had to go shopping for a present, i let him do it all and took a complete back step. He asked my advice on a couple of things but after looking in about 4 shops for something suitable he was losing his patience. He just doesn't do children full stop really, there are a few things from his childhood which i feel have affected and contributed to his decision not to have a child of his own but he's very much a private person and not one for talking about his past, and his feelings around the past very easily.

Like you say i like to think that there is hope of him changing his mind without my influence but i'm fully aware that if this doesn't happen i will have to make my choice about our future.

Thanks for your post.

Hmm, that is hard then. If he had a bad childhood than it is hard on him. I'm not sure what would be a good idea to do. Has he ever tried therapy? You have mentioned that his brother had a baby recently, do you think that he can influence a little on him?

He refuses to accept that his childhood was ever really that bad and he just doesn't buy the whole therapy thing.

My brother in law (his brother) knows as well as i do that he is not someone who is easily convinced and i don't think his brother would like to be put into that position. We accept his decision that a child is not on his agenda and no-one has ever tried to persuade him otherwise. I know only too well what it is like to have someone convince you to do something that you're just not sure about and what it is like when everyone is going on all the time. All the years i had said i never wanted children people would say 'oh you will....' but i was adamant that i didn't and i couldn't understand why they weren't listening to me and respecting my decision. I don't want to be one of those people saying to him 'why don't you?, what's wrong with you?....' because there's nothing wrong with him he doesn't want them and that's that.

I'm feeling quite emotional and tired today. I know i'm at a dead end and i have to decide what to do. It's breaking my heart, i can't imagine my life without him but i can't imagine not having a child one day either, i'm torn. We go on a much deservce holiday in a few weeks time which i am really looking forward to but i have realised what i am doing is filling in things for each month to occupy myself so i don't have to think about it and can pretend that everything is okay when i know in my heart that it's not. I feel even more guilt because he is trying so hard to make me happy and to make up for the last few months.

I feel that maybe i should just be happy and grateful for what i have, some people never find love and everything that it comes with. I have found that at least.

Hi N.B,
it is hard to admit that bad childhood. Many like to run away from that and not even to think about it. I think he has just blocked that and he doesn't want to confront it. It is his decision. He is probably scared that his child will experience similar thing. Maybe this is the reason why he doesn't want any children. This is just my opinion. (I don't now your husband, and maybe I'm making a wrong picture. I'm sorry if I'm doing this, please feel free to correct me in any time. )
My suggestion go on that vacation and make the best out of it. It seams that your husband really loves you. And that is a blessing.

You're spot on with regards to facing up to his childhood. He very much burys his head in the sand about anything negative in his life, it is the only way he knows how to deal with things, its the only way he has learnt to survive for all these years. He admits that he blocks things out and i see his whole body tense up the moment i speak to him about it so i never push too much.

Thank you for your advice and support, it is greatly appreciated and nice to have someone to listen and understand.

Maybe i am meant to be truly blessed when it comes to love but the sacrifice is that i won't have anything else, i should just to learn with that i guess, like i say it is more than some people have. I do believe in the whole to have something good you must experience something bad because that's how it seems that everything in my life has gone so far.

Thanks again.

Best wishes

Well it is just my point of view. You really have to know a person to be able to tell something about him/her.
If this is his way to deal with things, and it works for him, then fine. I'm not sure would I be able to do this. My opinion is that you can not block things all the time. It is much more effective to deal with them in best way you can.
I'm just interested in one more thing? Is his brother similar to him, or they are not alike (regarding their childhood)?