I'm pregnant and married but my husband doesn't want it, what should i do?;

Thanks for your posts babyblues and hisgraceforall. I had a little look on the website you mentioned, it looks like it could be of some help, althogh i wouldn't actaully be able to go there as i'm in the U.K but the information on there is really helpful, thank you.

I'm seriously considering leaving my husband after the new year, i'm ready to go, the termination is always going to sit between us and i don't think any amount of time is ever going to change that. I'm going to talk it through with my Mum on Wednesday to make sure i have some support for when i go through with it as it is going to be really hard. He has really tried his best to make things work but i feel his efforts are being waster and i don't want to waste anymore of either his time or mine, life is precious and we have to live it how we want to. I will keep you posted with how things go.

Best wishes to you all x

Ladies,

I'm finding myself in the same situation. I'm 8 weeks pregnant and my husband does not want the baby. He has been suggesting to terminate, but I don't think I can do that. We have a 3 yr old who brings me more joy than anything. Looking at her and thinking about to terminate the baby inside me is not something I can or want to do. He agreed to try for another baby and we got pregnant right away, now he says his family and I pressured him into agreeing to conceive, even though he did not want it. He is unsure if he will support me during the pregnancy and when the baby arrived. It hurts me that he is acting that way and makes me questions his love for me. I know that I will be the one making the decision in the end. I'm trying to imagine how life will be as a single mom with a toddler and a new baby, just the thought makes me very sad. I really hope my husband will come around and change his mind.

Hey vsunshine. You are not in the exact same situation as N.B. She actually had no previous children. Her husband and her agreed not to have kids, but then she became pregnant. She ended up aborting the baby because he was not going to support her. She is now dealing with a ton of emotional distress, which you can see just by her last post. And, now, she is preparing to leave him.

Don't do this! You have a child and you know how much joy she brings to you and this world. I can't even begin to comprehend why your husband is so "anti" children when he already has one in his life. Doesn't he get as much joy as you do from her? What are his fears? Financial fears? Freedom fears? Don't abort this baby because you're scared of being a single mom because if you do, you, eventually (probably by your own choice), be one anyway (and instead of two blessings, you will only have one). You are going to resent your husband for what he "made" you give up and that isn't good. If you keep this baby, and you end up divorced, you will have two blessings to go through this life with.

Gosh, I just don't understand these husbands...I really don't. I feel very blessed to have the one I do..although we have had our share of downs, this is something that would never even come up in our marriage. So sad :(

Thank you babyblues!
I don't understand the reasons my husband has against our new baby either. He just says he is not ready. He feels a releationship should be flawless when there is a baby on the way, which our relationship isn't. I would have NEVER thought he would act this way, never. I feel like I don't know him. I will try to stay strong and do what's best for me, my daughter and the new baby.
Unfortunately I don't have any family here, since I only moved to the US to be with my husband. I have been researching international divorces and custody laws just in case... I will keep posting, as this is a way for me to address these issues and it may help me emotionally.

I know your probably alot older than me and think im just a kid. But i am newly 17 years old i got pregnant when i was 15! My son is 10 months old and i never once thought hey if the father doesnt want to be here then im just going to kill the baby. I mean even if you dont want to keep the baby then have it stay as healthy as you can during the pregnancy and put it up for adoption my husband and i would love to adopt bc i can have any more kids myself bc my body cant handle it my son was almost 9 pounds and i hemraged bad and if i get pregnant again the baby will most likely survive but i wont! But please dont terminate this bundle of bless no man is worth murder. It really upsets me when women will put a man in front a your own child. Which hello there are plenty of them out here, like my dad which is my hero tells me. "There are plenty fish in the sea." Like i said maybe your husband can deal with that you having the baby but putting it up for adoptoin. You can either have an open adoption or a closed. An open is when you can see the child when ever you want but a closed is when the child never gets to meet you. Just please dont murder this child because of a man please im begging you. I know im only 17 but that is one thing i am strongly against in my religion and it really upsets me to know that someone can just kill someone theyve never met because they dont want to piss someone esle off or loose someone. A child can bring you so much life and joy but you'll never get that chance if you kill it! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! Think about this before you go through with it!


TeenMom17

Hi vsunshine! It does seem like there may be some issues with your marriage, but no marriage is "flawless"...and people who wait to have babies until they are 'ready', are never ready. You get ready when it is time. Even if he thinks your marriage is on the rocks, is no reason to give up the baby. You could still do marriage counseling while you are pregnant. Have you suggested it? My husband and myself are actually starting marriage counseling soon for some other issues, which I have posted on this site. It seems like you know what is right and will do what is right, and that is all that is important at this moment in time.

You know, it doesn't hurt to get your plans in order just in case it does come down to divorcing and custody battles. You always want a plan, and I think as long as you know that you can do this...you can do it!

I only wish you the best, and please do keep us posted :-D

Hey everyone, in particular, vsunshine. I've just read through everyone's posts on here.

vsunshine, you know your own mind, you know whether you want this baby or not and that is what should be the decision. When i found out i was pregnant i had a ton of other emotional issues going on at the same time and wasn't strong enough to make a decision about whether i wanted a baby or not, i was up and down all the time and my head was all over the place. It's sad that i let my husband take complete control of the situation and in doing so ended up making the biggest mistake of my entire life. I'm thinking that if you KNOW you want this baby then you should have it. You are fortunate enough to know which path your heart is telling you to take, i on the other hand didn't. My heart is well and truly broken after what my husband has put me through with the termination, his answer is to buy me things, gifts, presents.... trying to fill a hole that is just impossible and me just plodding along and going with it. 9 months on and i'm realising that with each day i have become much stronger and am now in a place to know that this relationship was doomed from the day he pressured me to have the termination and am therefore planning on leaving in between xmas and the new year. Unfortunately, no time is ever going to be a right time to leave but my heart isn't with him anymore, he took it away when he led me to the hospital that day. My mind is strong now and i'm ready to start the new year with a new life. I hoped i've helped a little here but ultimately now the decision is with you. I wish you all the very best with whatever you decide and hope that there are happier times ahead for you.

Thank you, in particular N.B.
I decided to definitelty keep this baby, no matter how hard it will be to raise a toddler and a newborn by myself. My husband has now decided to stick around for a while and see if his feelings towards having another baby will change. I will still continue to form a plan B, just in case. It is hard for me to understand how my husband is putting me into a situation like this and only thinking about himself and not his daughter, new baby or me. I don't know if my feelings for him will ever be the same even if he will stay with us. I feel very heartbroken and I'm most sad about that my children will probably grow up with a mom and dad living in separate homes. I feel better and stronger today than I felt last week and I'm happy to have friends around that will support me. My faith in god gives me strenght as well, I know he will find a way for me, right now I just don't see it.
N.B., I hope 2010 will be a better and happier year for you!

vsunshine,
I must admit, I have never had an abortion, but I have counseled MANY women who have, and they are just "wrecked" from this happening. I had a misscarriage November 15, at 11 weeks, and that just devastated me. I was able to hold and see my baby, and he was COMPLETELY formed, I could even see the wrinkles in his little fingers and toes, and he was only 11 weeks. It is a miracle and a blessing from our Creator to concieve. It is a gift from Him to you. I would encourage you to stay the course, and keep praying for a change of heart and a miracle for your hubby.
Men are odd, I dont say that to put them down, but just pray for him, no matter how angry, sad, or frustrated he might be toward you. You cannot change him, only He can, but you can make your decisions on what you know your heart is telling you.
When I spoke of counseling women, I cannot tell you how many women would tell me that the abortion NEVER affected them, but I could sense it in their spirit, and see it in their eyes.
PLEASE UNDERSTAND, I am not trying to pressure you one way or the other, that is your decision to make. But remember...... difficulties and struggles and trials and hard times.... WILL NEVER KILL US..... they are only going to strengthen you furter. He never leaves you alone in these things, trust me, I know. Please let us know how you are doing, and please feel free to post me or PM anytime. My hugs to you.
Struggles give us strength through Him to do GREAT things.

Blessings,
Hizgrace

Hi Everyone. vsunshine - I could have written your posts. Unfortunately, I am faced with the same situation as you. I am a happily married (up until now) mother of a beautiful and charming 3 year old girl who is my world. My husband always just wanted 1 child and over Christmas I found out I was expecting again. We always use condoms, so I am not sure what went wrong, but now I sit here faced with the hardest decision of my life. He wants me to terminate and feels very strongly about it. I however, want to keep the baby. I am an emotional wreck right now. I am torn between a person who I love with all my heart and a baby who I can care for and love. I can't look at my daughter without crying. She would be the proudest big sister ever. I am a strong woman and could do this alone, but I don't want to. I want to be with my husband. I don't know if he'll ever come around. I don't know if I could live with myself if I terminated this pregnancy. I feel like we can't live our lives right now because he's waiting for a decision. I thought we were strong enough to handle anything, because I know this could work and I signed up for "better or for worse" and to me this is definitely NOT the worst thing that could happen in life. I promised that if I carried the baby, that I would tie my tubes RIGHT away (which I 100% would) because I do not want more than 2 children. I feel like this happened for a reason and I know our love could conquer everything, it's just up to him if he wants to try, or if he wants to leave. Please provide me with some words of comfort, I think about this 24/7 and it's killing me inside.

Take care everyone and thanks for listening.

Holly

Hi Everyone, particularly Guest. I'm so sorry to hear your dilemma. I can't persuade you one way or the other about which path you should take but i can only tell you that the day i terminated my baby with my husband i died inside, all my love for him has since been killed off and over the Christmas period i have left him. He is totally devastated and distraught however i am numb inside. I feel nothing for him anymore, i look at him like he's someone else and i can't ever get my love for him back. He has begged and pleaded with me to stay and has since confessed that he deeply regrets the pressure he put on me to have the termination and that if he could go back in time he would never have done or said all the things he did. He has said he will go to councelling and that even though through all these years he said he never wanted a family there was always a niggle at the back of his mind that actually one day he would have to grow up and that he would like the chance to have a family but that he only wants one with me. I have told him that this is all too little too late and as much as i'm desperate to have a family at some point i can't go back to him just for that reason knowing that i don't love him, it wouldn't be fair to any of us and i refuse to play with the lives of my future babies like that. If anything, since finding all this out from him it has only made things worse, knowing that he really did want a family after all this time has destroyed me, i could have kept my baby back in March and never have gone through what i did if he had just been honest. He said that he felt that because he'd said that he never wanted children for all these years that he felt like he had to stick to that decision and couldn't back pedal what he had said for fear of what people would think.

After reading your post and seeing that you say that you know you are strong enough to do this alone, then you should go ahead with the pregnancy. If your mind is strong enough to feel this and a termination goes against every bone in your body and you know in your heart of hearts how much you want this baby then you shouldn't terminate. This is only my opinion and i can only offer you my thoughts and feelings based on your post and my experience. The day i went for my termination i was weak, had no control of what was going on and didn't know where my head was at because of all the heartache i had going on with my parents also. I know that if my preganancy had have happened when my life was a bit more stable and my mind it's usual self then i would have been strong enough to have stood up to my husband and carry on with the pregnancy i would never have let him put that pressure on me. I didn't know what i wanted at that time and i can't live with what i have done so what i can't understand is how you can know how much you want this baby but then still consider a termination anyway.

I hope this post helps, posting on here really helps air all your thoughts and feelings, particularly when no-one else will listen.

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide and hope happier times are ahead. Take care

Hello Everybody. Guest- First of all I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Your situation indeed sounds like mine, I know what you are going through and hope you find strength in this trying time. When my husband told me he wanted me to terminate OUR baby I thought my world was coming apart. I felt like I did not know the man I married anymore. The only thing I did know deep in my heart is that abortion was not an option for me, I don't think I would ever be able to get over the guilt and regret. I knew that if I keep the baby I would possibly loose my husband (which still may happen), but I know I'm strong enough to do it by myself. There are many women in the same position (pregnant & single), and it may be hard but I rather be without him and without regret and have the greatest gift god can give, a child. I spoke to my close friends & my mom and it was clear to me that I would have enough support which I think is very important. I made plans to move out, looked for apartments and also joined a local single mom support group. I educated myself about how much child support I would receive (for both children) and how divorce proceedings work. My husband has since then somewhat come around, he told me that he will not leave and will work on himself to make our marriage work. He is still not in favor of the new baby, but he knows that if he wants to stay with us he has no other choice then to come around. I still have all my plan B in the back pocket just in case. One thing I know now is that I can get through whatever and my daugther, the new baby and I will be fine. Even if he will change his mind and leave us, everything will be ok. You have to make sure that you and your daughter are fine, don't worry about him, he is a big boy and will make his own decisions. If he decides to leave then it is his loss, not yours.
Please make the decision that is right for YOU, if you want this baby then keep it. Please don't let him persuade you into doing something you don't want to do.
N.B. I'm sorry to hear that you left your husband over Christmas, I know you had planned on it. I wish you good luck with everything and happier times.

Hi vsunshine, it's good to hear how strong and positive you sound, such a difference from your previous post, i am so pleased for you! You are truly an inspiration for the other ladies that are going through the same thing on here. I too am feeling a lot more positive about my life. I have only been left my husband just over a week and already i feel stronger and more in control about where my life is going. I live in hope that i will meet someone that wants the same things and be in love, there is a whole world out there and i intend to search it until i meet the right person to fulfil my family dreams with.

I wish you all the very best with the new baby, with or without your husband you're a fabulous Mum and will continue to be so when your new baby arrives. Good luck with everything.

I've just spent the best part of 90mins reading all theses posts. Firstly, I'd like to say a heartfelt sorry to every woman who is going through this/went through this. Secondly, to say thank you to everyone for either sharing their story (without fear of being berated or ridiculed) or offering advice.

I'd like to spend a minute or 2 explaining my situation. I am 17wks pregnant, found out at 5wks. I had been with my partner at that time for 1 year (I'm 27, he's 31). Our relationship has been kept 'secret' from his family (all mine know, as do all my friends) because at the time when we got together in October 2008, he was just finishing a relationship. She continued to live in the jointly owned property until May 2009. After she moved out (her name remains on the mortgage at the moment until either it was going to be sold, or he bought her out), he stayed with me each night (when not working away from home midweek) and we had a very loving relationship. Background info - we have known each other all our lives, dated when we were younger and always held that 'torch' for each other. After a few years of only passing in the car and waving, we were on a night out with mutual friends and the spark led to kissing etc then within a matter of days, into a relationship. During the summer of 09 we went on holiday with my parents, bro and his family - and it was fabulous! He bonded with my niece and nephew and it was just perfect. Same again in September for his birthday, we went away and met my parents down there. Fab! Talked about the future, getting married, having a family, a dog, nice house etc. All the good stuff in life that most people want.

Anyway, I digress. 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant, we started arguing - really silly, I was CONVINCED he was cheating on me, he stopped staying each night but stayed roughly 5 our of 7 nights. I got into his mobile phone bill and called a woman from his work accusing them of sleeping together. I'm not proud of that, but I was acting so crazy I couldn't stop myself. On top of all of this, his ex kept coming over (seemingly unannounced) once or twice a week. I started thinking "what if they are still sleeping together???". Then 1 day, I knew my actions were completely out of character, so took a pregnancy test. I collapsed in a heap on the floor in shock when it said "PREGNANT". Lets be clear, I've always wanted a family (especially with him) but never thought it would be possible. Told him over the phone and he came to mine within minutes. Showed him the result. I could see the shock/fear in his face and he said basically "I want you to have an abortion". I was so upset, said no, then said yes. I booked it, only to cancel it. Booked it again, then cancelled it again. I just couldn't do it. The past 12wks have been horrific. I've been incredibly insecure and very pushy/need, constantly asking if we'd be ok. At the start, he said he'd "try" to deal with it, then said he'd "find a way" of dealing with it but to give him space....since then, I've got worse. Constantly calling him/texting him, the rows have been dreadful and he hasn't stayed since 28th November. Keeps saying if I'd given him space in the start it wouldn't have got like this, also that if I'd done as he asked (abortion) this wouldnt be happening. Its gone full circle - now he's saying if I continue the pregnancy, he WONT be there (doesn't want kids now, or ever, but is unwilling to get "the snip") and will literally disappear - change his numbers, move away (he lives round the corner from me and so does his parents - they live round the corner from my parents too!) and never be in contact again. I keep saying "if I give you space will things be ok?" and he says he's sick of telling me that. But I'm so scared. He says this baby will ruin his life and that if his ex ever found out his life would be over. Also, he said he's told his parents and they are FURIOUS with me that I am putting there son through this and that he should get rid of me....they also said "tell her to get an abortion or you're off". I don't know if what he says is true, that if I do have this baby they will want nothing to do with me or "it", or if he's saying this to apply more pressure to me than he already is.

Knowing the person he is, I keep thinking deep down in my heart that he'll be there. He's just hoping that applying this pressure to me will make me have a termination and therefore a get out of jail free card for him. I've said to him (in between hysterical tears!!) that if he really is going to walk away, to at least be there at the birth - at least see his son/daughter coming into the world and then he'll at least know he walked away.

I told him I'm having a girl (completely convinced of it) and he keeps saying "I don't care". On Wednesday night during a dreadful row when he again was telling me basically abortion or he's off, I said "fine say it, say you want your own daughter dead!!!!" - he couldn't do it and tried to storm off out of my car!

I'm so sorry for this MASSIVE message, just wanted to give the entire story. I'm just looking for advice/thoughts - I'm just wondering if any of you out there think he'll be there for me and his son/daughter, or by me not aborting he really will disappear for good!?

Also, meant to say that on Wednesday night when I said I'd consider abortion, even at this late stage, what would he do if I hated him? He said he'd fight for me til I forgave him and loved him again. Even promising this - because it would've 'proved' how much I love him. In my head I'm thinking....if he'd be willing to do that after abortion, surely he'll stick around - he's just hoping I "save him" from all his lies coming out. We both have good jobs earning a decent wage and we're in Scotland.

As it stands at the moment, I'm giving him 4 weeks space......scared that after the space he'll tell me he's gone - but hoping that after 4 weeks space he'll have got the house situation with his ex sorted and allow us to work at being together, as a family.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. X

I've just spent the best part of 90mins reading all theses posts. Firstly, I'd like to say a heartfelt sorry to every woman who is going through this/went through this. Secondly, to say thank you to everyone for either sharing their story (without fear of being berated or ridiculed) or offering advice.

I'd like to spend a minute or 2 explaining my situation. I am 17wks pregnant, found out at 5wks. I had been with my partner at that time for 1 year (I'm 27, he's 31). Our relationship has been kept 'secret' from his family (all mine know, as do all my friends) because at the time when we got together in October 2008, he was just finishing a relationship. She continued to live in the jointly owned property until May 2009. After she moved out (her name remains on the mortgage at the moment until either it was going to be sold, or he bought her out), he stayed with me each night (when not working away from home midweek) and we had a very loving relationship. Background info - we have known each other all our lives, dated when we were younger and always held that 'torch' for each other. After a few years of only passing in the car and waving, we were on a night out with mutual friends and the spark led to kissing etc then within a matter of days, into a relationship. During the summer of 09 we went on holiday with my parents, bro and his family - and it was fabulous! He bonded with my niece and nephew and it was just perfect. Same again in September for his birthday, we went away and met my parents down there. Fab! Talked about the future, getting married, having a family, a dog, nice house etc. All the good stuff in life that most people want.

Anyway, I digress. 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant, we started arguing - really silly, I was CONVINCED he was cheating on me, he stopped staying each night but stayed roughly 5 our of 7 nights. I got into his mobile phone bill and called a woman from his work accusing them of sleeping together. I'm not proud of that, but I was acting so crazy I couldn't stop myself. On top of all of this, his ex kept coming over (seemingly unannounced) once or twice a week. I started thinking "what if they are still sleeping together???". Then 1 day, I knew my actions were completely out of character, so took a pregnancy test. I collapsed in a heap on the floor in shock when it said "PREGNANT". Lets be clear, I've always wanted a family (especially with him) but never thought it would be possible. Told him over the phone and he came to mine within minutes. Showed him the result. I could see the shock/fear in his face and he said basically "I want you to have an abortion". I was so upset, said no, then said yes. I booked it, only to cancel it. Booked it again, then cancelled it again. I just couldn't do it. The past 12wks have been horrific. I've been incredibly insecure and very pushy/need, constantly asking if we'd be ok. At the start, he said he'd "try" to deal with it, then said he'd "find a way" of dealing with it but to give him space....since then, I've got worse. Constantly calling him/texting him, the rows have been dreadful and he hasn't stayed since 28th November. Keeps saying if I'd given him space in the start it wouldn't have got like this, also that if I'd done as he asked (abortion) this wouldnt be happening. Its gone full circle - now he's saying if I continue the pregnancy, he WONT be there (doesn't want kids now, or ever, but is unwilling to get "the snip") and will literally disappear - change his numbers, move away (he lives round the corner from me and so does his parents - they live round the corner from my parents too!) and never be in contact again. I keep saying "if I give you space will things be ok?" and he says he's sick of telling me that. But I'm so scared. He says this baby will ruin his life and that if his ex ever found out his life would be over. Also, he said he's told his parents and they are FURIOUS with me that I am putting there son through this and that he should get rid of me....they also said "tell her to get an abortion or you're off". I don't know if what he says is true, that if I do have this baby they will want nothing to do with me or "it", or if he's saying this to apply more pressure to me than he already is.

Knowing the person he is, I keep thinking deep down in my heart that he'll be there. He's just hoping that applying this pressure to me will make me have a termination and therefore a get out of jail free card for him. I've said to him (in between hysterical tears!!) that if he really is going to walk away, to at least be there at the birth - at least see his son/daughter coming into the world and then he'll at least know he walked away.

I told him I'm having a girl (completely convinced of it - have been that way since discovering pregnancy) and he keeps saying "I don't care". On Wednesday night during a dreadful row when he again was telling me basically abortion or he's off, I said "fine say it, say you want your own daughter dead!!!!" - he couldn't do it and tried to storm off out of my car!

I'm so sorry for this MASSIVE message, just wanted to give the entire story. I'm just looking for advice/thoughts - I'm just wondering if any of you out there think he'll be there for me and his son/daughter, or by me not aborting he really will disappear for good!?

Also, meant to say that on Wednesday night when I said I'd consider abortion, even at this late stage, what would he do if I hated him? He said he'd fight for me til I forgave him and loved him again. Even promising this - because it would've 'proved' how much I love him. In my head I'm thinking....if he'd be willing to do that after abortion, surely he'll stick around - he's just hoping I "save him" from all his lies coming out. We both have good jobs earning a decent wage and we're in Scotland.

As it stands at the moment, I'm giving him 4 weeks space......scared that after the space he'll tell me he's gone - but hoping that after 4 weeks space he'll have got the house situation with his ex sorted and allow us to work at being together, as a family.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. X