I'm pregnant and married but my husband doesn't want it, what should i do?;

Hi BabyBump

I'm sorry to hear all that you have gone through over the past few months. I think it is fair to say that your emotions and hormones are all over the place at the moment which is why it is even more difficult than it would be to make a decision.

Many of the things you have put inyour post about what he has said to you are very similar, if not the same, as all the things my husband said to me. From my experience he is just running scared. Prior to my termination my husband said he would leave if i went ahead but that he would stand by me if i went through with the termination, he said that after the termination he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me and being the best husband. This consisted of buying me things, gift and presents galore. For the first few weeks after the termination all these material things took my mind off the reality but as the weeks and months went by my hatred towards him grew and grew and grew and my love got less and less. I lost all respect for him. No amount of 'making up' can ever replace what you will go through if you decide on a termination. You should only go ahead with a termination if you really do not want this baby, the decision has to be yours and yours only. It was never my decision to go ahead with the termination the decision was made for me and i let him. My head was a complete mess at the time, as i'm sure you have read from my posts on here and i will never forgive myself for what i did or for not having the strength to stand up to him. Since i have left my husband he has confessed to not only regretting ever making me go through with the termination but that he would love to have a family with me he just panicked and was scared before and didn't know how to tell me. This has just made me hate him even more because it means that i went through all that i did for nothing, he completely played with my head, my heart and my emotions and i will never forgive him.

May i also say that i was 9 weeks the day i actually went for my termination which was far gone enough in my mind but you are 17 weeks, i think you already know the answer to your own questions about whether you are doing the right thing or not because to be 17 weeks and still considering a termination will only add to the guilt you will experience if you decide to terminate. And to be letting another 4 weeks on top of this go by in the hope that he will change his mind is really playing russian roulette.

I'm lost as to what advice to really give you, i can only share my experience with you in the hope that it will help to know you are not on your own.

I hope you are able to be happy with whatever decision you decide, but please make sure that this is your decision and is not influenced by his or other peoples feelings. Try and spend some time on your own thinking about what the future will hold for you be it with the baby on your own or without the baby with him. Thinking about being with him and a baby and living happy ever after could be a possibility but you have to consider that it really could be far from the reality. During all this time of arguing etc have you even had a moment to yourself to think about the baby and your feelings towards it rather than spending all your energy arguing with him because for every day that goes by the less time you will have should you decide to go ahead with the termination.

Not quite sure if i've helped that much here but i hope you are able to sort things out and be happy again.

17 weeks?!!??!? Is this a legal abortion is Scotland, because it sure isn't in the U.S. The baby has a sex by then (boy or girl), it can actually start hearing things, cartalidge is changing into bone, the spinal cord is forming, the baby is actually moving. He/She is about 5 in. long. If you haven't felt this baby move, you will really soon. It is amazing, and I am convinced once you feel this small human inside you, you will have no questions on whether you did the right thing. However, if you are keeping this baby, you should be getting prenatal care, taking vitamins, eating healthy, etc. I'm afraid you may not be doing these things because your mind is consumed in whether or not your 'boyfriend' is going to stick by you. Don't regret not enjoying this pregnancy. I know its hard to not know what the future holds, but if you spend your whole pregnancy depressed, you will regret it. Don't let this man make this decision for you. No woman needs a man to be a good mom, believe me! My father was not in the picture at all, but my mom kept me, she raised me, and she is my hero. You will be the one that this baby loves with her entire being....YOU, not him! When this baby is born, you will probably cuss yourself for every thinking about terminating the pregnancy. When you see and feel the joy that she brings, all your worries will be washed away, and "he" won't even matter to you anymore....I can promise you that.

Take N.B.'s advice....look at all the turmoil she is going through because she let someone else make the decision that should only belong to the woman who is carrying the child.

This is a very heavy and emotional topic. I am in a relationship that has being going pretty strong since high school. We started dating in February of 2002, and at the time I was in the 10th grade. We were dating for about a five months before we started a sexual relationship, but as soon as we did, of course I got pregnant. I was devastated, and so was he. Here we were, two young KIDS, dealing with adult issues. At the time I was 15, a month shy of my sweet sixteenth birthday, and he was sixteen. The only other person that I even told was my older sister. My sis is quite a bit older than i am, so at the time she was around 23. She would tell me how much of a blessing children are and that if I had an abortion it would be the biggest regret of my life. But being 15, in highschool, pregnant, and thinking of all the things that I would miss out on, and how fast I would have to grow up, I was beginning to look at being pregnant as the biggest regret of my life. All I could think about was being pregnant and how to get out of this situation, and my boyfriend felt the same way. I was selling clothes, shoes, breaking penny banks, cashing in on savings bonds that I had been given as a young child.... we were doing everything we could to raise enough money to pay for the abortion. My sister told me that she would not pay for it, but that she would take me, because she didnt want me to go to some dump. Eventually, we came up with enough money to have it done, which was about 400.00. But, one night I was talking to my sister on the phone about the arrangements, and my mother picked up the phone. I didnt hear her pick up, so she heard the ENTIRE conversation! When I got off the phone with my sister, my mother came down to my room, crying and angry. She told me that no daughter of hers would EVER have an abortion. After she got done yelling and asking how could I do this to myself, she told me a story that I had never heard before. She told me the story surrounding my very own birth and conception. When my mother was dating my father, she got pregnant unintentionally. My mother had a severe case of scoliosis as a child. Scoliosis is curvature of the spine for those who dont know. Well anyway, hers was soo bad that it severely altered the shape of her pelvis and spine to the point where doctors told her that it would be very dangerous for her to bear children, because of the shape of her pelvis, but in addition, the curvature of her spine was so severe that an spinal block would be nearly impossible. With all of the danger that I posed to her life, she decided to keep me. All I could do was cry and apologize when my mother told me this story. She risked her life to have me, and I was ashamed and unappreciative of the life that I was carrying in my own body. My older sister, who is not my mother's child, didnt know about this either, because she was a little girl when I was born. I was so affected by this revelation, that I did not go through with the abortion. I called by boyfriend, and told him my decision, and he was very understanding. He even said that he was beginning to have second thoughts himself. It was hard, but I went to school everyday and received alot of disgusted looks from teachers and even some classmates. My mom took me to my six month appointment and I received some very heartbreaking news. I had an incompetent cervix. That means that unlike the normal cervix that stays closed during pregnancy, mine was starting to dilate early, which posed a risk for my baby of not only being born premature, but being exposed to bacteria and infection. The doctors performed a cerrclage which is supposed to close the cervix and help prevent further dilation. I was also put on bedrest and had to do the schoolwork from home. Three weeks after the procedure, I experienced some vaginal bleeding that progressively got worse. My baby was in alot of distress, and the doctors decided that I needed to deliver even though they did not think my baby would survive. I delivered January 3rd 2003. I held my baby girl Mahogany for 7 minutes before she passed. My mother, and boyfriend were with me the whole time. She was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen in my life. A baby is a true testament that God is real! Some may read this and say that I should have had the abortion, but I am so happy that I didnt. It was a blessing that my mother picked up the phone that night. Our relationship after that situation has been so much stronger. We talk about everything. My boyfriend and I broke up about 8 months after that. I have since went to college, graduated and am now a registered nurse. I help people for a living, and I absolutely love what I do. i eventually want to open up a prenatal clinic for teens, and disadvantaged mothers. My boyfriend and I got back together a year before I graduated from college and have been going strong even since. We will soon get married, and we definately want lots of children! I dont know if I will be able to carry them myself, I may have to adopt, but either way I WILL be a mother because children are the most precious blessing that God has given us. I held my baby for seven minutes before she passed, but I will be her mother forever and will never forget her! I look forward to the day when we can see eachother again in heaven. I will always love her. Always.

Hi everyone

Hope you are all doing ok on here? Just thought i'd drop a quick post to you all and let you know how i'm doing for those that are interested. It's been almost a year since my termination and my first post on here, i still think about that day every day. So much has changed since. As you know i left my husband at Xmas and am in the process of building a new life for myself. Things are going well so far, a bit of struggle to try and get things sorted but i'm doing it! Things between myself and my husband started off farely amicable but the last few weeks it seems that bitterness is starting to kick in on his side. He can't seem to accept my reasons for leaving and thinks that there must be more to it, i can't believe that he thinks that after everything that has happened that isn't a valid enough reason to leave! I think about what could have been with regards the baby every day and feel a physical yurn in my heart and my tummy when i think about it, i don't think it is something i will ever come to terms with. I'm keeping my hopes that one day i will find happiness again with someone who wants to share in all the love and joy a baby can bring between 2 people, i truly look forward to that day!

Best wishes to you all.

Hi N.B.
I'm glad to see you back here. Well good for you that you have decided to leave your husband (although I know that you cared for him, but not having baby is really a big thing to go over).
I hope that things will work out for you and that you will have a family that you always wanted.

Best wishes

Do NOT Abort!!! Please, if you want to have a child, then LEAVE him. You deserve better. If you don't, then think about adoption. DON'T TAKE A LIFE!

Hi N.B.! I am very glad to see you are doing so much better, and am relieved that you are making your own decision and living your own life. You have to figure out what you want in life, and you will eventually find someone who wants those same things, I promise you that. You will have a family one day if that is what you want. You will never totally get over this loss, but you will be able to move on and only grieve every once in a while. I can already tell that you are more positive in your post, and I wish you all the best!

i was 14yrs old when i got pregnant. At the time i thought that had no other choice. i aborted my child and regret it. don't make the same mistake i did. it's your choice. just know if your letting the baby go because of a man remember who really gave you the baby as a gift. If you are not letting the baby go because of finances etc. you will be a selfish person for not giving that child a chance to live the life that you got to. life goes on only if it gets the chance to. time doesn't stop and guilt and torment doesn't either. im 28yrs old now i have 4 kids; (i'm supposed to have 5) 2 sets of twins 2 girls and 2 boys . im a pediatric neurosurgeon and married. i have the life that i have always wanted, but, that which is in the past never went away for me. i hope you make the right decision. and god bless you and guide you there. think smart, unselfishly, and caringly, and lovingly because that's how going to be when you have your child(if you make that choice).

i was 14yrs old when i got pregnant. At the time i thought that had no other choice. i aborted my child and regret it. don't make the same mistake i did. it's your choice. just know if your letting the baby go because of a man remember who really gave you the baby as a gift. If you are not letting the baby go because of finances etc. you will be a selfish person for not giving that child a chance to live the life that you got to. life goes on only if it gets the chance to. time doesn't stop and guilt and torment doesn't either. im 28yrs old now i have 4 kids; (i'm supposed to have 5) 2 sets of twins 2 girls and 2 boys. don't get me wrong i love my kids but i always feel like there's someone missing. im a pediatric neurosurgeon and married. i have the life that i have always wanted, but, that which is in the past never went away for me. i hope you make the right decision. and god bless you and guide you there. think smart, unselfishly, and caringly, and lovingly because that's how going to be when you have your child(if you make that choice).

Hello N.B.,

great to hear that you are doing better!
I miscarried in January at 12.5 weeks, I still can't believe it. After all the stress I went through and my husband finally coming around and accepting baby #2. I feel a big void now and cry a lot for my baby. It is somewhat difficult now between my husband and I, he knows I feel he has some responsibility in me losing the baby. I believe this would not have happended had everything be normal and he would have been accepting from the beginning. I have thought about leaving him, but don't feel ready yet..especially when I think about not seeing my daughter every day since she would be with her dad.

I wish you all the best, V

Do not end this pregnancy. You need to ask yourself what you want. Do YOU want this baby? If you do then have it. But not with him. I'm sorry to say that because I know that you love him. You need to let him know that if having this baby is what you want then you can and will do it without him. Don't let him make you choose between him and a baby. But if you don't want it then please put it up for adoption. There are so many people out there that cant have childern. And this baby doesn't have a choose. So please make the best choose you can. Good Luck!

I think people need to read the entire post before they decide to respond.

sorry to say but to me your husband sounds very selfish to tell you something like that. Do not end the pregnancy because of what he says, because at the end of it all you are going to be the one who have to deal with that not him. If he leaves you cuz you decided to keep the baby then he never loved you in the first place. That's just how i see it.

I have been reading the posts here and I'm in the same boat as many of you. Confused and feel like I have to choose.

I am in my 30s which makes this more difficult. I have two children and a very unexpected third on the way. I am also a student which adds to the complicated mess. My problem is trying to figure out what to do. I was not planning on having a third child. We have given away all or baby things and quite happy with the family of four. Both kids are under 5. I have one year left of school and having a child during this last year will make finishing quite difficult. Prolonging school is not an option so somehow I would have to 'swing' having a baby and completing my education. I would have little help and daycare is not available until the baby is 18months in our area so again - not an option.

My husband is less than thrilled about the situation. In fact, he is barely speaking to me which isn't helping. I feel alone. I am depressed and I'm quickly 'losing it' so to speak.

I am not comfortable with terminating the pregnancy. However, I am so depressed and confused as to how this would work. We don't have the vehicle, or the space in our house. The timing with my school is terrible and without my husband's support I feel like I'm nearing rock bottom. I feel if I terminate that will make things 'better' in terms of home life but I don't know if I can live with that decision. However, if I decide to keep the baby it could jeopardize everything I have now. Either way I lose.

I know no one can give me advice. I just needed to 'vent' since I have no where else I can go.

I am 29 years old and have a 16 month old baby girl whom I love and adore. I also have a husband that I love and adore. I was on birth control, but after missing my period and finding myself feeling crampy and nauseous I took a pregnancy test. Positive.

My husband didn't want kids. I didn't want kids. Then I changed my mind and he said "OK, one." And he's been a pretty good daddy, a little distant and wrapped up in his own things at times, but he is involved with her, plays with her, changes her diaper, etc. But he's been adamant that he only wants the one. He was an only child who suddenly ended up with stepbrothers and so he has a really bad view on sibling relationships.

I'm going to tell him tonight. I don't know how it will go. I have no strong feelings on the situation right now other than that adoption is absolutely not an option. I know that if I give birth I will not be able to give up the baby. But terminating this early wouldn't destroy me either. I felt no flutter of joy at seeing those positive tests. Just dread. I didn't want to have a baby right now.

All I know for sure is that whatever we decide to do, I am getting sterilized after this. I don't want to be in this situation ever again.