They had the same childhood and experienced the same things together but it affected my husband far more as he's the elder of the two and a lot was put on his shoulders. He was the one that was let down the most as his brother was a few years younger and didn't really understand the impact until he got older. Now that his brother is older he is able to talk about it without getting tense, but for my husband it is somewhat different.
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To be honest I suspected that your husband is older then your brother in law. You have to understand that it is much harder for older children with these kind of things. They carry more burden and they are the ones responsible for anything that happen.
It would be good if your husband finds a way to overcome this issue. I hope that this will happen some how, for you benefit.
All the best to you and to your husband.
Red
It would be good if your husband finds a way to overcome this issue. I hope that this will happen some how, for you benefit.
All the best to you and to your husband.
Red
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I had to jump in on this one and support that it's totally true. I have a couple of friends who are the same way. I think it's funny how people react differently to the same situation. It's unfortunate because it sounds to me like your husband does need help. Have you tried asking his brother to ask him to get help?
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Thanks for your post healthfitnessguy. I overlooked it before, sorry. I don't think his brother realises just how much my husband went through to be honest and my husband isn't very forthcoming about it either. He hates talking about his feelings to anyone really, even his brother. He is so ridiculously private, i think the person he would least want to know that he'd been affected by the past would be his brother as he has spent so long trying to be the 'older brother' and hold everything together for everyone i don't think he knows how to be anyone else and maybe more to the point doesn't want to be anything else either - he hates changes, it frightens him.
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Oh believe me I know. I totally know people who are in the same situation as your husband but you know, it doesn't get any better. My brother has finally opened up to me and tells me some things which helps but it took almost three decades to be honest. I think it wouldn't hurt if you talk to your husband's brother and see if he'd be willing. What do you think?
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It's certainly worth a thought although maybe not quite the right time at the moment as he has rather a lot going on with the new baby and all and the other thing is his brother doesn't know about the termination. There were many reasons for not telling him, it;s not that we want to keep secrets but more that it was such a difficult time and his brother had the excitement of his new baby, it just wouldn't have been appropriate. My own brothers don't know about it so until i feel ready to tell them i don't wish for others to know either.
I know my husband and his brother have spoken a little bit about stuff before, not too much about the really bad stuff but about some of the memories they share. I know their Mum has spoken with him before about a few things and his reaction is the same as it is with me, body tenses up and goes very quiet. I just don't see that this will ever change, maybe i just have to accept that this is the way it will always be until if and when he is ready.
Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions, i will certainly bear it in mind.
Best wishes
I know my husband and his brother have spoken a little bit about stuff before, not too much about the really bad stuff but about some of the memories they share. I know their Mum has spoken with him before about a few things and his reaction is the same as it is with me, body tenses up and goes very quiet. I just don't see that this will ever change, maybe i just have to accept that this is the way it will always be until if and when he is ready.
Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions, i will certainly bear it in mind.
Best wishes
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Hi N.B,
I just remembered that there is a Childhood disorder forum here. I'm not sure have you checked it out all ready. Maybe you can find some interesting things there, talk to few people that have this problem. Maybe they can help you to help your husband.
I just remembered that there is a Childhood disorder forum here. I'm not sure have you checked it out all ready. Maybe you can find some interesting things there, talk to few people that have this problem. Maybe they can help you to help your husband.
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I agree that's a good tactic. I guess my final thought on this is, well, do you think there ever WILL be an appropriate time? I mean, people who have problems like this won't have a perfect time. They just need nudges from people who love them on occasion. My friends nudged me when I had GAD and I still had to go to a therapist on my own. I trust that you know what's best so I'm just throwing my final two cents in there. I wish you all the best. :)
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Thanks healthnfitnessguy. Don't worry, i will certainly continue to give him the odd nudge here and there every now and again, i'm sure i can manage to steer him in the right direction but i have to tread carefully and let him think that it is his idea and that he is the one in control. The job he is in sometimes doesn't help, with some of the things he has to see or deal with every day. Again he deals with these things in very much the same manner by burying them.
I do still have a glimer of hope somwhere underneath all this that if and when he comes through this he may feel ready to have a family, only time will tell and if that time doesn't come at least i will always know that our marriage won't have failed through lack of trying or a lack of love but just that we came to a cross roads and wanted to go a different way. I have a few years yet until i am ready to start a family so until that time comes i just intend to enjoy every minute of our marriage together and making sure that my career is stable. I am planning for both eventualities; either staying together and starting a family or starting again, but like i said i just want to enjoy this time we have now.
Anyway, once again for your kind thoughts and messages. I am pleased to hear you came through your problems and feeling much better about things. It sounds like you have a good support system of friends around you.
Wishing you all the best and lots of happiness.
I do still have a glimer of hope somwhere underneath all this that if and when he comes through this he may feel ready to have a family, only time will tell and if that time doesn't come at least i will always know that our marriage won't have failed through lack of trying or a lack of love but just that we came to a cross roads and wanted to go a different way. I have a few years yet until i am ready to start a family so until that time comes i just intend to enjoy every minute of our marriage together and making sure that my career is stable. I am planning for both eventualities; either staying together and starting a family or starting again, but like i said i just want to enjoy this time we have now.
Anyway, once again for your kind thoughts and messages. I am pleased to hear you came through your problems and feeling much better about things. It sounds like you have a good support system of friends around you.
Wishing you all the best and lots of happiness.
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Well N.B for now the important thing for you is to stay happy as much as you can. You have been through a lot in this last period, so you deserve as much happiness as you can have. You said that you have few more years until you want to start a family, so spend them in best possible way.
All the best N.B to you and to your husband.
All the best N.B to you and to your husband.
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Hi N.B, I definitely got through my issues because of thoughtful and caring people like you so I'm glad to hear that you're thinking of his best interest and are nudging him slowly. He really has to want it for himself and that's the best you can do...anyway, keep us posted on how you're doing, okay? :-)
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I am in the same situation,I am 9 weeks pregnant, and my husband wants me to have an abortion. I am struggling with the decision to continue this pregnancy even if he walks away. This is my second marriage and I realize all too well that even if I chose to terminate to make him happy there is no guarantee that our marriage will survive anyway.
This should be a happy time for me. Instead I am torn between the love I have for my husband and the love I feel for this innocent unborn child. I feel like it is really immature of him to expect life to be so black and white. We were not trying to conceive but God allowed this to happen. I can not put my husbands feelings before the life of this child. I think it's a shame that someone can make promises to love you till death do us part, in good times and bad times, then make an ultimatum like this. I have to choose between my child and my husband.
This should be a happy time for me. Instead I am torn between the love I have for my husband and the love I feel for this innocent unborn child. I feel like it is really immature of him to expect life to be so black and white. We were not trying to conceive but God allowed this to happen. I can not put my husbands feelings before the life of this child. I think it's a shame that someone can make promises to love you till death do us part, in good times and bad times, then make an ultimatum like this. I have to choose between my child and my husband.
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Torn, I'm so sorry. That's very unfair of your husband, like you said. If my husband were to make an ultimatum like that, I would be quite upset.
From what you described, it sounds like you know what you need to do. It sounds like you know in your heart that keeping the child is what's best, seen as how you feel the marriage may fail and your husband has given you this ultimatum. I'm only saying this because sometimes I need guidance following my heart when I'm torn, as well. I hope things work out well for you.
From what you described, it sounds like you know what you need to do. It sounds like you know in your heart that keeping the child is what's best, seen as how you feel the marriage may fail and your husband has given you this ultimatum. I'm only saying this because sometimes I need guidance following my heart when I'm torn, as well. I hope things work out well for you.
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Torn, I really think you're making the right decision. THe point of even having the right to have an abortion is the right to CHOOSE to have it or not. It's not being forced to get an abortion, and it's not being forced to not get one. It's your body. And it's your right to choose to keep the baby or not, not his. I don't know what your situation is, but I support your decision to keep it or not. Just don't feel bullied into it. It's YOUR choice, not his. His say in the matter ended shortly after coitus, in my opinion, and I'm a man. Does that help at all?
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