I'm pregnant and married but my husband doesn't want it, what should i do?;

Hi both of you,
I just want to agree with babyblues and to see how are you doing yikes? Are their any news? Did you talked to him? When you have time please give us an update.

Regards.

Hi Yikes 2121, you seem to be experiencing the same reaction i had from my husband when i found out i was pregnant. Although the final decision to terminate or not remained with me i was under pressure and it did boil very much down to the fact of my baby or my husband? Like i said the final decision was with me but his influence certainly had a lot to do with it and i suppose deep down i panicked at the thought of losing him more than i panicked at the thought of the termination. I felt i had known my husband for more than 10 years and i had known about the baby for 5 minutes. My final decision was made at thinking about the fact that i knew i would have to have bought the baby into the world on my own as my husband made it very clear that he would walk away if i went ahead with keeping it, all i could think about was having to tell my child that it doesn't have a daddy because he walked out because he didn't want it. The thought of that day that would have come kept playing through my mind and although i hate to have to admit my decision to terminate was influenced by my husband, it was also thinking about that day i would have to tell my child which made me go through with the termination.

I have to be open and honest and say that it has most definitely changed our relationship whether my husband would admit that or not, i certainly feel it has. I'd probably go as far as to say that, yes, there is some resentment towards him. I'm at the stage where to some extent i'm in self destruct mode where i'm going out a lot more than before and partying quite a lot with my girl friends and my attitude towards him is well if he doesn't like it he knows where the door is, he didn't want the baby so this is what he's got instead. I think he is fully aware of what's happening and how i'm feeling because he hasn't put up so much as a fight or an argument with regards me going out. If anything, he just keeps trying harder i.e. making an effort to organise weekends away together, buying me little gifts, which i somehow can't help thinking that no amount of trying will ever be enough but i am trying to give it time.

I don't know if this e-mail will help at all but i just wanted to let you know that the decision to terminate is most certainly not an easy one and it will have an effect on your marriage as much as you try for it not to, at the end of the day it's a massive thing to have to go through. My heart aches every day and i think that i have to live with the decision i made for the rest of my life. I'm trying so hard to move on and take the attitude of 'it's done now and there's nothing i can do to turn the clock back so live by your decision and move on' but it is far easier said than done.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation as you where they both agreed that they would like a family so stopped using contraception and then half way through trying her husband said he'd changed his mind but by that time she had found out she was pregnant, but she continued with it. All the way through the pregnancy he never really got excited or particularly showed any interest but he hasn't walked away which is the main thing. She had her baby last week and all is well, there are signs that he is certianly making some kind of an effort but i wouldn't go as far to say that he's wearing an 'i'm the daddy' t-shirt or anything like that!

I hope this post helps. I certainly understand how you must be feeling and hope that you are able to come to a decision that you are okay with.

Best wishes

NB I am sorry to hear that your friend is going through a hard time--at the same time, that post was very heartfelt and helpful I think for anyone who is feeling despair over their situation. THank you for posting and we appreciate that you've taken the time to do so. How are you doing?

Hi Healthfitnessguy

Thanks for your post. This last week or so i don't appear to have been doing too good i'm afraid. I'm quite emotional at the moment and I'm still finding it difficult to accept the decision i've made and am at a place where i feel almost trapped. My husband is trying his best to make me happy and is bending over backwards to do anything to please me, i don't know if this is just making things worse. I just don't know what to do. I'm thinking that i am going to try and give things a bit more time and see how they go but i think if i still feel the same early into the new year i am going to have to do the most difficult thing and leave. My head is quite messy at the moment and i am snowed under with work and studying so i'm juggling quite a lot of stuff. My studies finish in about 6 months time so that might take some of the pressure off and i might be able to start thinking a little more clearly but at the moment all i can think about is what i've done and how much it has changed me. Like i said, a bit more time and i'll see how things look then.

Thanks for asking after me, hope all the people that have posted on here too are doing well. You are all in my thoughts.

Best wishes x

Hi N.B,
I am really sad to see you this way. I know that you have been through a lot in these last few months and that it wasn't easy for you. But hang in there. I agree with you, give it a little more time. Try to talk with your husband and see how things will go.
You know that we are here and that we will help you as much as we can.
Is there a way for you to have a break from your studies and work? Maybe that would be helpful.

Hey Dark Red

Thanks for your concerns and thoughts. My studies are funded through my employer and seeing as they don't know the problems with my personal life (and i don't wish them too) i don't really have the choice to put them on hold. I only have about 6 months or so left to do so i'm thinking that i've managed to get through the last 8 months with everything that's been going on and carry on with the studying and work so i'm sure there is some strength in me somewhere to do another 6 - i just have to find it is all!!

I'm haveing councelling as and when i feel i need it which is helping to make sense of some of my conflicting thoughts. I can highly recommend it to all those on here who have been posting there difficulties.

Hope you and everyone else on here are all doing well.

Best wishes

It is understandable that you want your personal life kept out of your business. Also it is nice from your employer that he is funding your studies. That means that you are a good worker and that you deserve it.
I agree with you on counseling, it can be very helpful.
I all good, everything is fine.

Have you been feeling any better these couple of days?

Regards

Hey Dark Red

Thanks for your post. I am feeling a little bit better, thank you. Not quite so emotional the last couple of days, although i am constantly thinking about the question mark that hangs over my head about where my life is going to go. I can't help but feel that i do really want a family at some point in my life. At the moment i am happy having a good time with my friends and going out but i know there will come a point in my life when i will want to start a family and if i'm still with my husband at that point it might be too late to start one. I think at the moment i'm almost burying my head in the sand about making the decision to walk away or not as i don't feel quite strong enough yet, but i think in time (maybe another 6 - 12 months) i will feel much stronger about making that decision. I just hope it will be the right one and the heartache i am, and have been, going through will all one day be worth it. In the meantime all i can do is wish with all my heart that just maybe, by some great miracle, my husband will change his mind.

Thanks for listening, best wishes.

Hi NB, I really hope for your sake as well that your husband will change his mind but in the meantime, I'm glad that you're taking care of yourself. At its core though, is this a relationship you want to be in if the person your'e with doesn't want kids? I know there's no easy answers but have you thought about that?

Let me put it this way, abortion is still the ending of a human life. If your husban truly loves you he will be by your side no matter what, remember those vows for better or worse; personally a child is the best thing you could ever ask for, but if it is the worse to him or you then I have a question for you. Which would you rather live with: a) knowing that your husband is with you because you ended a life and he couldnt deal with change? or b) knowing that you saved a child's life, a part of you; and the possibility of your husband dealing with change? I am not trying to be mean, but I was with someone for 6years and during the 4th year I became pregnant. He was the same way as your husband; no kids-none! I was a little different I love kids, I came from a big family, but my point is it took him a little while to adjust, but our daughter is the light of, not only my life, but his as well. He spoils her rotten. Now I know obviously everyone reacts differently, but let me say this; you wouldnt have to live with the abortion, you could carry full term and put the child up for adoption. And by carrying the child to full term it gives both you and your husband time to make that very permanent decision, who knows when that time arrives maybe he will be ready and you two can begin, not just your lives together, but your family too. Good Luck with everything sweetheart. Although this is not my place I beg of you to please not have an abortion, atleast give the child a chance and give him/her up for adoption.

Hi Guest...if you would have read all the posts, which I know were A LOT, you would have seen that NB went through with the abortion, as her husband wished. She is now dealing with the aftermath and isn't doing to well.

I just hope it goes to show other women who are going through this that no man, NO MAN, is worth aborting a baby....which is something that woman would have to live with the rest of her life. The man, on the other hand, only has to deal with the fact that he got his way and now his wife/gf resents him.

Seems a bit one-sided to me....the woman is the one that has to deal with the pain and the man is still "free" and not held down by the responsibilities of father-hood (little does he know...he is missing out on millions of moments of joy and happiness....that little joy me and my husband like to call "our princess")

Hi babyblues,
I have to agree here with you. Woman do have bigger effects after abortion. I'm not sure have you read it but if I remember correctly in NB case, husband has very disturbing childhood. He was afraid of the consequences of that and that it could affect his child. (N.B. feel free to correct me if I am mistaking.)
But you have to agree that it is not always as simple as it seams. Things can get complicated.

Regards

Hi all

Dark Red, everything you said in your post is correct. Thank you to you and Baby Blues for your support and posts.

It's true to say that things are not good at the moment and i'm almost on self destruct. I can't look too far into the future, at best i have plans for the next couple of months or so which are keeping me focused but after that i'm really not so sure what the future holds with regards my husband and i. I'm trying to give myself things to look forward to but i think that maybe these things are then just masking the hurt underneath. Posting on here is helping along with the therapist i see from time to time. For now, i'm looking forward to having a true family Christmas, which will be the first in about 7 years; my brother is returning from South Africa whom i haven't seen for 4 years and my brother from Sweden is coming home for a few days with his new wife. It will be an emotional but very exciting time.

I think that once all these different events have come and and gone i will be stronger and my mind clearer as to making a decision about where i go from here. At the moment there are so many things going on around me that it is difficult to think about what i am going to do.

I am truly heartbroken about what has happened over the past few months and never thought it possible to love and hate someone so much at the same time. It is a real battle of conflicting feelings. Not a day has gone by without me thinking about the baby and the termination and i don't think there will ever be a day where i won't think about it. It's this thinking that i am finding so difficult. I hope that by posting my thoughts and feelings on here it will help others if and when they should have to make a decision to terminate. I sometimes wonder that if i could have seen the aftermath of a termiantion of what someone has to deal with day to day then maybe i would have thought differently. As it was, there were so many conflicting reasons as to whether to terminate or not but i think ultimately i somehow managed to let my husband takeover the situation as i was also dealing with the shock of finding out my Mum and Dad were divorcing after 30 years of marriage because my Dad had numerous affairs throughout the marriage (we never knew until that time) and the rejection from my Dad, knowing that he never really wanted me and my brothers and that it was all a 'family guy' act. So whilst i was going through that turmoil i didn't have the strength to deal with and decide what to do about our baby and therefore just 'went along' with what was pretty much decided for me. It's true to say it has been rather a difficult year all round.

Thanks again to all of you for your kind support. Hopefully i will be able to post some brighter news on here one day.

Best wishes

N.B -- I think that being able to post on here and express your feeling is showing your true strength. You know you have things to work out and you are ready to do that, but with time....time that you definitely need. I think taking it slowly is the best thing you can do right now with all the emotions you have running through you right now. You don't want to jump the gun on something (like leaving your husband) that you will regret....as you are obviously already living with a huge regret.

I hope that your holidays are joyous and you have that quality time with your family that is well deserved and needed. I hope too, that after the holidays, you have something "brighter" to post. We look forward to hearing from you :-) Take care!

Hi N.B.
I was reading your posts, and my heart goes out to you. Listen, if you have time, search the internet.... and check out Rachels Vineyard, they have SPECIFIC post abortion recovery programs to help you. I used to be a facilitator in Florida, but now I am in Californis. It is a challenge, but I REALLY REALLY think you will benefit from it. You need to give yourself time to heal. It doesnt come over night.... but when you go step by step..... it comes.
Please dont hesitate to post to me if I can be any help, AND PM me if you would like. I will help you in any way I can.
Please understand, the feelings that you are going through are COMPLETELY NORMAL. You are mourning a loss, I KNOW I just lost my chld 2 weeks ago. Grieving is a process....please dont be hard on yourself.
ALSO..... look at one day at a time only, tomorrow has enough worries of its own. Work on each day that you can see. JUST today. He has MANY plans for your life.

Hugs and Hugs,
My shoulder to cry on,
Hizgrace