My boyfriend masterbates to pictures in magazines and online photos frequently--usually at least once or twice a day. He doesn't realize that I know he does it this often. This wouldn't bother me if he seemed interested in sex with me too, but he doesn't. He doesn't seem opposed to it when I initiate sex, and seems as though he enjoys it when we do. However, he rarely will initiate sex with me (once every 2 weeks at the most). He seems much more interested in masterbating. I've tried talking to him rationally and calmly about it and I let him know that it's starting to really make me feel bad, but he refuses to talk about it and keeps doing it. Everything else in our relationship is wonderful, and he is supportive in any number of other ways, but this is really starting make me depressed. Can someone give me some advice or some insight as to why he might be doing this?
Unfortunately, men masturbating to pornography and therefore not being as interested in sex with their significant others is a growing problem in this country.
It's possible he has a pornography addiction. Many of these men masturbate to pornography often and it's more sexually gratifying to them than actual sex with a woman, even if he loves her. So, please don't take this as a clear-cut sign that he doesn't love you or find you sexy or attractive. Addiction just has a tendency to do this to people.
He probably refuses to talk about it because he's uncomfortable. If he is addicted, he's probably very guilty about it. He may also not realize has a problem or see this as a problem. However, you need to make it clear to him that this is an issue in your relationship.
If he keeps doing this, what does this mean for the two of you? Can you stay together? If not, I suggest you really let him know that. Try to discuss this with him again. If he refuses, state clearly how it makes you feel and that if he continues, you don't think you can be in a relationship with him anymore.
If you do feel that you can still be in a relationship with him, write him a letter or initiate conversation at a time where you feel it can be more one-sided. What I mean by this is just lay out your side of the conversation on the table without expecting him to respond at that time. This can give him time to process what you said so he doesn't feel overwhelmed or attacked. All you need to say is how this makes you feel. Tell him how you feel about him. Tell him why it's important to you that he stop. Use "I" and "me" statements to avoid sounding accusatory. The more loving and compassionate you sound--especially are--the more he'll respond verbally and/or emotionally in a more positive way. If he acts like he doesn't care or still doesn't change, again ask yourself if you feel it's worth staying in the relationship.
Please don't feel like this is your fault, that you provoked his behavior, or that you're not sexy or desirable. Again, this is a growing problem in this nation and it's not your fault.
It's possible he has a pornography addiction. Many of these men masturbate to pornography often and it's more sexually gratifying to them than actual sex with a woman, even if he loves her. So, please don't take this as a clear-cut sign that he doesn't love you or find you sexy or attractive. Addiction just has a tendency to do this to people.
He probably refuses to talk about it because he's uncomfortable. If he is addicted, he's probably very guilty about it. He may also not realize has a problem or see this as a problem. However, you need to make it clear to him that this is an issue in your relationship.
If he keeps doing this, what does this mean for the two of you? Can you stay together? If not, I suggest you really let him know that. Try to discuss this with him again. If he refuses, state clearly how it makes you feel and that if he continues, you don't think you can be in a relationship with him anymore.
If you do feel that you can still be in a relationship with him, write him a letter or initiate conversation at a time where you feel it can be more one-sided. What I mean by this is just lay out your side of the conversation on the table without expecting him to respond at that time. This can give him time to process what you said so he doesn't feel overwhelmed or attacked. All you need to say is how this makes you feel. Tell him how you feel about him. Tell him why it's important to you that he stop. Use "I" and "me" statements to avoid sounding accusatory. The more loving and compassionate you sound--especially are--the more he'll respond verbally and/or emotionally in a more positive way. If he acts like he doesn't care or still doesn't change, again ask yourself if you feel it's worth staying in the relationship.
Please don't feel like this is your fault, that you provoked his behavior, or that you're not sexy or desirable. Again, this is a growing problem in this nation and it's not your fault.
Maybe he finds sex awkward and stressful. He obvious seems more comfortable when he is in control, no stresses when you are playing with yourself. You don't have to worry about disappointing anyone. I don't know what your sex life is like so I can't say, but I know some guys masturbate so much they find it hard to climax through other methods. Again, you didn't mention how the sex was. If I had trouble cumming or was too worried about my performance, I would be too afraid to ask for sex too. The reason he always accepts your request is probably because he wants to make you happy and show he into you sexually. As a guy, I would say jacking off twice a day is a little much, but it all depends on how old he is. I suppose if he did it once in the morning and one at night that would be okay...but that is besides the point. You could try watching porn with him and some how getting involved, but I guess you just have to keep trying to talk to him. Hope that helps some how.
why does the age matter, i wonder this because i have the same problem with my boyfriend, he is 46 and i am 24. sometime i notice my boyfriend 4 times a day. is this terrible
Well I the only reason I mentioned age is because I know when guys first learn to masturbate we get a little crazy with it and do it several times a day, but this is usually when you are around 13, as you get older you probably will stop jacking off as much. 4 times a day is a lot especially for someone in their 40s I think, but then again, I don't really know anyone that age that would tell me how often they did it. lol
i have almost the same problem he will masterbate when i am out he will go upstairs when he thinks i am not paying attention only yesterday he went upstairs to the toilet and was gone a while i went to see if he was ok and he was masterbating i could hear the excitement and the i could hear the noise that is made when masterbating i asked him over it and he lied to my face and told me he wasnt i myself wouldnt be bothered in the least if he shown me interest the only time we have sex is if he initiates it or if i can get him going by talking about having sex with some1 else i have found him on sex sites talkin to girls on there and porn sites the worst thing about all this is that in 14 years that we have been together he never wanted to masterbate even as a teenager and now all of a sudden he is curious im scared of what the next step with him is going to be
hi
i can totally identify with your situations !!! i am in a similar situation yet kind of diff at the same time. let me explain . i did unfortunately meet my guy on a sex site . i dont have a cam or anything but i am a bit kinky and since i am sexy looking like to be able to put sexy pics up and get complemented. i did know i would meet sex mad guys but i also thought well, you do get ordinary guys on these sites too. and i did.i met one, we clicked got on well, had dinner had a laugh , but we did not have sex. i also tend not to want to give sex immediately to a new guy even after a first date , but some of the guys from these sex sites want that . but i realised they are all talk. but anyway , another time i met a cute guy whos my age (40)and we ended up talking now for the last 2 months via the site and face book. he did want me to go on cam for him but i dont have one but he did go on cam for me. i not sure if i totally liked it at first but went along with it anyway since i liked him alot. but coz i been chatting loads i had developed strong feelings for him and even admitted he had for me . but he also lives in leeds which is 200 miles away. so he said the distance would be a problem . when i asked about if hed met anyone else from the site or done anything to anyone else on cam he admitted he had . i had met one other guy too from the site but i did not sleep with him . i am in touch with a couple more but there has been no sex talk so far and its pleasant and friendship is invloved which i like and it is surprising considering i met them on a sex site. but this guy from leeds - our friend ship has developed really well, we talked on face book for about 3-4 hours sometimes. we did get sexual with each other, i guess its normal to want to , plus he lives far so its the only way sometimes. but i gradually tried to change the focus to more subtle things so he would respect me more. then i went to see him up there in leeds, i travelled 200 miles just to see him . he had been texting me sexy stuff like hi gorgeous etc etc , or hey beautiful with kisses and i thought wow i cant wait to meet him . but i did bring my 9 yr old daughter with me coz it was half term and i had no one to look after her. but he had kid of his own so said it would be cool. and after she as asleep im sure things would developif u see what i mean !!!
anyway to cut a long story short, my daughter got really clingy and we both found it extremely diff to even hug in front of her. but coz it took me a long time to settle her down. when i would come back into the lounge he would be asleep. then if he woke, he didnt come on strong or anything, which i guess is a good thing. but when we had spoke on face book he had come across as being this sex maniac !! yet now i meet him, nothing was happening .and i was confused. i know my daughter was in the next room, and i did have a period. but i at least thought he would try and kiss me or touch me . it didnt make sense. i expected something. yet he was ok about getting a blow job !! jesus !!! are they all the same im thinking ?
after i came back here to london , i went on sex site just to check if he had been on and literally the day after i got back he had surfed it. then i went on late another night and it said hed been on . another time it came up he was online. i was so cut up .
he had said he does like me , i am pretty etc, and i got the impression he was being a gentleman too., which was nice. we did kiss and it was passionate and that made me have even stronger feelings for him . but he said he would come see me when he could but distance would be problem. way i see it is if u have strong feelings for someone , no distance is too far . and i had actually thought yes i may finish with this sex site now i met him and stop searching for guys as id been . but living far u have to get on with your life sometimes temptation comes along. but i was really beginning to think no, i can easily commit to him .
but now he been going and masturbating to girls on these cams still it has really upset me and hurt me and left me all confused. i have talked to him about it . but he still says the distance makes it a problem, but still wants to continue as it is and see how it goes.
but again, i went onto sex site the other night to check him out and he was on, i couldnt take it anymore so i spoke to him online on the site . i put a sad face icon . he asked why the sad face. i said u know why. then he said weve talked about this havent we. and coz i have strong feelings for him i dont wanna lose what we do have so i left it . i tried getting sexy with him saying why dont u go on cam for me like u did b4 and was surprised. which confused me coz he always was wanting to do it for me initially.
i sorry i told u the whole story, hope u dont u dont mind. but theres a bit missy said about he only gets going when she talks about having sex with someone else. mine is the same . when i said shall we do stuff on cam in front of a girl he was up for that . also he seems to get off on being watched . like exhibitionism .
but the worse thing is it was about 2am , we had talked turned on then he said he going to bed so he logged off, kisses and everything. but i logged on at 3am and hes back on again !!!!! i couldnt believe it !!!!!! total nightmare. im sure it becomes like an addiction for these guys . i really think so. ive also got a male friend, who if u mention one thing about sex thats it, it gets him going and he has to go and masturbate ,or wank,as they put it . ive also thought, i know its enjoyable, having orgasms and a good stress release, but do some people use it as a means of getting over hurt or pain maybe????
i can totally identify with your situations !!! i am in a similar situation yet kind of diff at the same time. let me explain . i did unfortunately meet my guy on a sex site . i dont have a cam or anything but i am a bit kinky and since i am sexy looking like to be able to put sexy pics up and get complemented. i did know i would meet sex mad guys but i also thought well, you do get ordinary guys on these sites too. and i did.i met one, we clicked got on well, had dinner had a laugh , but we did not have sex. i also tend not to want to give sex immediately to a new guy even after a first date , but some of the guys from these sex sites want that . but i realised they are all talk. but anyway , another time i met a cute guy whos my age (40)and we ended up talking now for the last 2 months via the site and face book. he did want me to go on cam for him but i dont have one but he did go on cam for me. i not sure if i totally liked it at first but went along with it anyway since i liked him alot. but coz i been chatting loads i had developed strong feelings for him and even admitted he had for me . but he also lives in leeds which is 200 miles away. so he said the distance would be a problem . when i asked about if hed met anyone else from the site or done anything to anyone else on cam he admitted he had . i had met one other guy too from the site but i did not sleep with him . i am in touch with a couple more but there has been no sex talk so far and its pleasant and friendship is invloved which i like and it is surprising considering i met them on a sex site. but this guy from leeds - our friend ship has developed really well, we talked on face book for about 3-4 hours sometimes. we did get sexual with each other, i guess its normal to want to , plus he lives far so its the only way sometimes. but i gradually tried to change the focus to more subtle things so he would respect me more. then i went to see him up there in leeds, i travelled 200 miles just to see him . he had been texting me sexy stuff like hi gorgeous etc etc , or hey beautiful with kisses and i thought wow i cant wait to meet him . but i did bring my 9 yr old daughter with me coz it was half term and i had no one to look after her. but he had kid of his own so said it would be cool. and after she as asleep im sure things would developif u see what i mean !!!
anyway to cut a long story short, my daughter got really clingy and we both found it extremely diff to even hug in front of her. but coz it took me a long time to settle her down. when i would come back into the lounge he would be asleep. then if he woke, he didnt come on strong or anything, which i guess is a good thing. but when we had spoke on face book he had come across as being this sex maniac !! yet now i meet him, nothing was happening .and i was confused. i know my daughter was in the next room, and i did have a period. but i at least thought he would try and kiss me or touch me . it didnt make sense. i expected something. yet he was ok about getting a blow job !! jesus !!! are they all the same im thinking ?
after i came back here to london , i went on sex site just to check if he had been on and literally the day after i got back he had surfed it. then i went on late another night and it said hed been on . another time it came up he was online. i was so cut up .
he had said he does like me , i am pretty etc, and i got the impression he was being a gentleman too., which was nice. we did kiss and it was passionate and that made me have even stronger feelings for him . but he said he would come see me when he could but distance would be problem. way i see it is if u have strong feelings for someone , no distance is too far . and i had actually thought yes i may finish with this sex site now i met him and stop searching for guys as id been . but living far u have to get on with your life sometimes temptation comes along. but i was really beginning to think no, i can easily commit to him .
but now he been going and masturbating to girls on these cams still it has really upset me and hurt me and left me all confused. i have talked to him about it . but he still says the distance makes it a problem, but still wants to continue as it is and see how it goes.
but again, i went onto sex site the other night to check him out and he was on, i couldnt take it anymore so i spoke to him online on the site . i put a sad face icon . he asked why the sad face. i said u know why. then he said weve talked about this havent we. and coz i have strong feelings for him i dont wanna lose what we do have so i left it . i tried getting sexy with him saying why dont u go on cam for me like u did b4 and was surprised. which confused me coz he always was wanting to do it for me initially.
i sorry i told u the whole story, hope u dont u dont mind. but theres a bit missy said about he only gets going when she talks about having sex with someone else. mine is the same . when i said shall we do stuff on cam in front of a girl he was up for that . also he seems to get off on being watched . like exhibitionism .
but the worse thing is it was about 2am , we had talked turned on then he said he going to bed so he logged off, kisses and everything. but i logged on at 3am and hes back on again !!!!! i couldnt believe it !!!!!! total nightmare. im sure it becomes like an addiction for these guys . i really think so. ive also got a male friend, who if u mention one thing about sex thats it, it gets him going and he has to go and masturbate ,or wank,as they put it . ive also thought, i know its enjoyable, having orgasms and a good stress release, but do some people use it as a means of getting over hurt or pain maybe????
I can actually help here as I have been the guilty party to this in the past...yes, I have been the MASTERBATOR!!
Maybe, as in my case, he has certain fetishes that you're not comfortable to perform. For example, outdoor sex, or girl on girl.
Sex is fine, but you can only do so much before it gets mundane..especially if one part has little confidence to step out of the box and try something new, and the other party wants to try everything!
Maybe he won't talk to you because he's embarrassed about his fetishs. I mean if you had say for example a watersport fetish, would you tell your partner....even if it was the only way to get you turned on ?
Maybe, as in my case, he has certain fetishes that you're not comfortable to perform. For example, outdoor sex, or girl on girl.
Sex is fine, but you can only do so much before it gets mundane..especially if one part has little confidence to step out of the box and try something new, and the other party wants to try everything!
Maybe he won't talk to you because he's embarrassed about his fetishs. I mean if you had say for example a watersport fetish, would you tell your partner....even if it was the only way to get you turned on ?
how can sex with a real person be more mundane than jerking off? I don't have a problem with jerking off in general- in fact it turns me on. I'm very willing to try almost anything sexually and very accommodating of what people I'm sleeping with like in bed. I know I'm attractive and I'm asked out by men all the time.
But yet for some reason my boyfriend jerks off 4-7 times a day and can't stay consistently turned on when we try to have sex. I don't get it. Is it just laziness? It's easier to get off alone than have to consider another person? Is jerking off constantly a way of channeling anxiety but then it negatively effects sex later? He's so thoughtful in other ways. I'm worried that he's not attracted to women or something. It's a really difficult thing to talk about without making it worse because then there is added pressure and he feels bad.
But yet for some reason my boyfriend jerks off 4-7 times a day and can't stay consistently turned on when we try to have sex. I don't get it. Is it just laziness? It's easier to get off alone than have to consider another person? Is jerking off constantly a way of channeling anxiety but then it negatively effects sex later? He's so thoughtful in other ways. I'm worried that he's not attracted to women or something. It's a really difficult thing to talk about without making it worse because then there is added pressure and he feels bad.
I can relate to this conversation as well I need someones help
My boytfriend and I been together 2 years going on 3 soon, he asked me to move in together and we planning to do this by the end of July this year
let me say that he's 49 and Im 51.. however has no problem with the age different. We never have sex all the time because each of us have a child and sometimes is hard with them around but we find the ways to have sex at least once a week, how ever is been 2 weeks with out sex now, and my boyfriend tells me his been down and has no energy level what so ever he been trying to make a dr's appt to find out why his feeling so tired, so needless to say that he has been avoid having sex stating he has no energy, he also has viagara pills but since I don't live with him I don't know if he has been taking any, but defenetely he has not been taking them with me because we haven't had sex . I asked if his not attractive to me anymore or I don't turn him on to let me know if theres anything wrong, and states is not that, that is nothing to do with me, he told me every thing is find to keep doing what I'm doing, I also asked if he was seen someone else and he swear his not, we haven't had sex in over 2 weeks, he says he's in love with me and can't wait to move in together, he also told me he masterbate the other night because I was not around... so how can he have energy for this and not to make love to me?????? can anyone give me and opinion, because I'm so confuse?????? can some one give me an idea ???
So what if he says that he doesn't want to have sex at all? I tried to get a reason out of him but he just keeps making up all kinds of excuses. I wouldn't mind if that is what he wanted but when he cant give me a reason then it makes me feel like he'd just rather not have sex with me. I know that if we weren't having sex then he'd be getting off to porn and such. This makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong or that he's not attracted to me at all.
If I may,
I feel that we need to talk about boundaries. I am married and I want to protect my lady from this, so i work at not allowing my self to look at porn. for me it is a fight to keep my victory that i won a few years ago. There is always temptation but its what I do with that temptation that matters.
I would really like to see the standard for men to be raised. I want to see men love their woman with their entire beings. And protect the woman from even themselves.
Men shouldn't look at porn because it creates distance in the relationship. Women need to know that they are worth the fight, because you are.
If you two are dating then I would leave him and find a man that knows how to meet your needs. (fist you need to know what your needs are.)
Do you know what your love language are? there is a book that tells you about them.
If he doesnt meet your needs then you need to tell him what they are. The best person to tell him about you, is you. "I have noticed in the past that girls want the man to know what they are thinking and what they want, when in reality how could we?" we cant, the way i found out was by asking.
So if your dating him move on. but if your married you really need to lay down the boundaries (which there is also a really good book for that as well). The biggest thing you have to do though is follow through with what what you say your going to do. I.e. if you dont stop looking at porn im going to leave and stay at my friends or family house until you stop. And i will tell them why I am there.
This gives them some pressure and thats what they need. they need to know that this is impacting other people and that its not just "no big deal".
Men need to know how it effects the people around them.
Know that your not doing anything wrong, he is just getting his needs met somewhere else and thats why you are not getting your needs met.
kind of like the 90/10 Rule.
I feel that we need to talk about boundaries. I am married and I want to protect my lady from this, so i work at not allowing my self to look at porn. for me it is a fight to keep my victory that i won a few years ago. There is always temptation but its what I do with that temptation that matters.
I would really like to see the standard for men to be raised. I want to see men love their woman with their entire beings. And protect the woman from even themselves.
Men shouldn't look at porn because it creates distance in the relationship. Women need to know that they are worth the fight, because you are.
If you two are dating then I would leave him and find a man that knows how to meet your needs. (fist you need to know what your needs are.)
Do you know what your love language are? there is a book that tells you about them.
If he doesnt meet your needs then you need to tell him what they are. The best person to tell him about you, is you. "I have noticed in the past that girls want the man to know what they are thinking and what they want, when in reality how could we?" we cant, the way i found out was by asking.
So if your dating him move on. but if your married you really need to lay down the boundaries (which there is also a really good book for that as well). The biggest thing you have to do though is follow through with what what you say your going to do. I.e. if you dont stop looking at porn im going to leave and stay at my friends or family house until you stop. And i will tell them why I am there.
This gives them some pressure and thats what they need. they need to know that this is impacting other people and that its not just "no big deal".
Men need to know how it effects the people around them.
Know that your not doing anything wrong, he is just getting his needs met somewhere else and thats why you are not getting your needs met.
kind of like the 90/10 Rule.
i have ask my husband to watch porn together but he acts like he's not interested. then off to take care of himself. i am getting beyondred angry and don't know where to go from here,
Does he do anything for you?
I have had the talk with my boyfriend about him masturbating. He gets home from work before I do and apparently can't wait that extra 2 hours for me. I told him that I felt it took away from me. At first he denied it all then said he would stop. I finally had trust back in him that he had stopped. Until recently...he had no urge to have sex with me for a week, which really upset me. Then I start finding his "dirty t shirts" hidden around the house. So....apparently he is not only doing it again, but trying hard to hide it. The last shirt was stuffed in an old boot.....what now???