what losing your virginity at fourteen does to you.

I lost my virginity at fourteen. I was inexperienced with boys. I hadnt kissed one 'properly' and I was curious. So when I got drunk with friends for the first time and I ended up in a bed with a boy that I've had an on and off relationship with since the start of high school one thing led to another. It lasted about a minute or two I was ridiculously drunk and he was sober. I can't remember much of it except the fact that we'd done it and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I'd always fantasized about losing it at sixteen or older to someone I was head over in heels in love with. Yet I lost my virginity to a boy I barely liked at such a young confusing age. I told myself at the time that I loved him so it was okay that I did and that if I were to lose it to anyone it would be him. I told my best friend all of this, she was shocked but supported me and hasn't told a soul. a couple months down the track I hadn't spoken to this boy about that night, which was when I started to realize how big of mistake I had made. I felt unwanted and disgusting and unworthy of anyone else. I couldn't tell my mum she would be so heart broken and shocked because we always had this honest and open relationship. then came along another boy. we started dating and he told me that he loved me, me being nearly fifteen thought that this was a happily ever after sort of thing. I already had sex, so i had given up on this being sixteen thing and I thought that well since I wasn't a virgin anymore it wouldnt matter if I did it again. I was alreadly not innocent and pure anymore. So I did it with this boy, numerous times. Protected of course. But oblivious to my parents. At this time about six months into our relationship I started feeling remorse about what I was doing and lying about. Before sex was introduced into my life I saw myself as an innocent genuine person. This hadn't changed for the people who were unaware of what I was now doing ( which was basically everyone except a few close close friends) but for me this made me feel worse about myself like I was living a lie. So I told my boyfriend at the time that I didn't want to have sex anymore because I wasn't ready and it was making me thoroughly depressed because I was lying about it to my parents. We did occasionally go against my word and have sex but very rarely but this made me more upset because it felt like i was lying to myself aswell as my parents. I started to blame everything on my boyfriend at the time and he broke up with me. this left me more depressed and shattered. I felt more unwanted and disgusting. I had noone to confide in. I hated myself but I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone why. I'd completely gone against my values by having sex with this boy. but while I was going against my values I told myself that I was going to marry this boy so it wouldn't matter. I was so stupid and foolish. I still hate myself. But it gets worse before it gets better. I then found another boy. He is two years older then me he barely looks it though. He isn't your typical teenage boy though. He's studying at university to become an engineer and is one of the most intelligent people I know. I met him 12 months ago. We've been dating for 10. Although I can say Im completely happy with my relationship with him now I can say that I'm more stupid then even I thought. Three months into our relationship we had sex a few times. Protected of course. Again I'd gone against my values and had completely ignored all the past mistakes I had made. I was still only fifteen then and I shouldn't of been doing this with my body. He at the time saw how distraught I was with the situation and how torn I was with my unaware parents and my own self. He already knew about my past sex life. So he told me that we would not have sex until I was mentally and legally ready too. 7 months later and we still haven't. After all that what I'm trying to put across is my battle within myself. I lost my virginity at 14, continually had sex while I was 15. All this with three different boys over a year and a half. I am now sixteen and slowly starting to decide whether I'm ready or not to with the boyfriend I'm with now. But I don't know how to think positively about it because I have so much negative emotions caught up with sex. I love this boy with my whole heart and soul, I know I'm a teenager and I've proven to be reckless but this boy is someone very special to me. So I guess you could say this is the perfect situation to lose my virginity to the boy I'm head over heals for. But it's not because I'm not a virgin anymore. I'm impure. I'm a liar and i hate myself. I'm not looking for pity. I'm looking for advice to help me decide what to do. Tell my parents about all the bad stuff in the past. don't tell them but be honest with them about my relationship with this boy now or just not have sex for a very long time! gah. I hate myself. Someone please help.