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I posted here about 7 months ago. Since there is not much follow-up on what has happened with many of the original posts, I thought I would share the end of my story. I just reread my words and couldn't believe how much I dealt with to keep my relationship going ... it really was a roller coaster and a merry-go-round ... all wrapped up into one ... the same pattern of behavior and feelings again and again. What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result. This was my life for almost two years. I really believed I could handle it ... I probably would have stuck it out, but he finally decided to break things off for good. My friends believe he did me a favor ... I am starting to agree with them, but it has taken almost three months and a lot of therapy to reach this point. I still wonder if he will ever look back and realize what he lost.
I have read so many bits and pieces of my relationship in many of these posts ... the blaming himself one minute and then me the next ... the sarcastic comments that would come out of nowhere ... the change in his feelings that would occur because some minor event set him off and caused him to think of every reason in the world why we should not be together. Of course, just days before, he was so madly in love with the "best thing that ever happened to him." He would change from the most caring, insightful person I ever met to the most cold, critical person I could imagine. I spent most of the relationship trying to figure out what happened and why. Eventually, he would give me an explanation (excuse?) when he returned and I found myself once again accommodating everyone one of his "complaints" so he would stop running. Now, I understand that these "reasons" were really just excuses he needed to justify his leaving. I accepted them because I desperately needed to find a reasonable explanation for his behavior, but this was not possible ... you cannot expect to find reason/logic in someone who is not thinking rationally.
I quickly learned the only way to keep us together was to just deal with the moods and whatever behavior they brought out ... thinking that I could just wait it out until the person I knew he "truly" was would return. Of course, the "true" him was all sides of his personality ... whether he could control them or not. I had hoped that maybe his medication just needed to be adjusted, or that therapy might help him find better ways to cope with his anxiety and mood swings, or that we would just learn how to deal with cycles better (of course, I was the only one doing all the research to learn!). My friends kept asking me how long I was willing to put my life on hold for him. No matter what I tried or how much I adjusted everything in my life to meet his needs, it was never enough. He would find fault ... sometimes he had reason (I am not perfect and he did not let me forget this by subjecting me to indefinite periods of no contact), but more often than not, he would just blow something innocent completely out of proportion ... allowing his brain to "run wild" with everything wrong (and forgetting everything right).
In the end, I did make a mistake ... one that he cannot forgive ... a mistake that I took responsibility for, I sincerely apologized (too many times to count), I empathized with his hurt and pain, and I did everything in my power to make amends. I did not cheat on him (as he accused me of doing) ... I told a lie to avoid hurting his feelings and to prevent a conflict that I knew he would run from (after he just returned). Ironically, the one thing I did my best to avoid during our relationship came about ... a kind-of self-fulfilling prophecy based on his fears ... he always expected the worst ... when he asked me a question, I could sense in his voice and actions that no matter how I replied he was going to leave without trying to understand my perspective ... so in my effort to avoid hurting him, I ended up hurting him even more (and I do everything in power to keep from hurting others even if it means I suffer in the process). This was my only "real" mistake in almost two years, but boy, he could not let it go. Not only did I have to pay for the "lie," I also had to pay for all the fabricated scenarios his mind came up with. He would just think these horrible things and convince himself they must have happened (I still do not get how this could take place in anyone's mind). What really is unfair is the number of things I had to forgive him for, but in his mind, a lie means I am dishonest and nothing I say in the future can ever be trusted again. My therapist told me to consider my intent, the context of the situation, and if I habitually react this way. My friends reminded me that "dysfunctional relationships breed dysfunctional behavior." Regardless, I made a mistake and I am branded for life (and if you know me, I am one of the most honest people you will ever meet ... I just panicked and made an error in judgment that I have felt so guilty over for almost a year). Anyway, I finally came to the conclusion that I am not a dishonest person, but I am human who made a mistake. Regardless, I deserve to be accepted for who I am (my good and bad points) ... and most importantly, I deserve understanding and forgiveness (if I am genuinely sorry and will not repeat the offense). So, here I am ... the one who has stood by him no matter what ... the one who has done everything she can to understand him and compromise ... the one who has accepted him for who he is (both his good and bad points) ... feeling like I have been unfairly judged and condemned with his "black and white" thinking that he is so proud of. The worst, for me, is feeling like I meant so little to him that he could just discard all my other wonderful attributes and walk away so easily from everything we shared.
I have never had a relationship impact me like this one has (and I am in my forties and have been through a lot). I found myself in therapy (twice a week for months) just to deal with my broken heart, loss of self-esteem, confusion, hurt, pain, and yes ... anger (something I suppressed because you cannot get angry with someone who has bipolar without setting off a cycle). I came to understand that I deserved much better and was probably holding on for reasons stemming from my past. Once I realized that I was holding onto nothing except the potential that he just might be there from time to time, it became easier to let go. Although I still miss the good times, reality is setting in and I can easily counter every good memory with a time he treated me badly. There are so many things I wish I could tell him that I kept inside, but there is no reason to make him feel bad. If he has a heart and a brain, he will eventually realize what he did.
For those of you that have children, think about what you are "teaching" them about relationships and how they deserve to be treated. No one deserves to have the person who says they love them treat them as if they do not matter and abandon them periodically when they no longer fit into their "lifestyle." No one deserves to have their world turned upside down ... at least without a reasonable explanation and a chance to talk things out before just disappearing (this is the worst for me ... no chance to respond because I never knew why he was so distant and if he did finally provide an explanation, it given was with the message that we were already over and there was nothing I could do or say to change his mind ... how frustrating and infuriating ... and definitely not the way a healthy relationship should be).
To sum everything up (and I hope what I learned will help someone else) ... my friends asked me if I expected anything from him that I was not willing to do or to give in return. The answer was "no." My therapist reminded me that all relationships have problems. It is not the problems that cause the break-up ... it is how the problems are handled that cause the relationship to fail. He often reminded me that not all of his negative behaviors can be attributed to his having bipolar ... and even if they were, it is an explanation, not an excuse. If the person you are with will not or cannot give you what you are willing to give them and if you are the only one willing to stick around and work on the problem while they just run, it is time to move on and find someone you deserve ... a person who understands the meaning behind "give and take" and is willing to mutually reciprocate what they receive (love works both ways).
In my final break-up, my ex said something like he still wanted the type of relationship we both discussed when we first started dating. If he meant this, then why didn't he fight for it and for us? I will never know, but his choice allowed me the opportunity to step back and see what was really happening to both me and my daughter. I am in the final stages of grieving ... the acceptance stage. The pain of the loss is still there, but it is now bearable (trust me, I wondered how I was going to make it through at first ... coupled with my guilt for things I did and did NOT do ... I was really grasping to hold on). I know that this relationship happened so I could learn more about myself. The positive traits I demonstrated (unconditional love and acceptance), I will bring to the next relationship (and I will be sure the person will appreciate what I have to offer!). The negative baggage from my past that kept me trying when I should have ended things a long time ago, I will remember so I will not find myself in the same negative cycle. I wish I could have learned these lessons without so much heartache ... but I guess the pain is what will make them stick and hopefully allow me to make better choices the next time around.
Hopefully this will help someone ... I have spent countless hours researching bipolar on the Internet and reading every book I could find on the subject. I finally decided it was time to stop focusing on how to deal with him in order to make things work between us and instead start focusing on my recovery to include putting all my broken pieces back together again (I felt a lot like Humpty Dumpty who fell off the wall!). If you like to read ... try checking out "Deal Breakers" by Dr. Bethany Marshall. The entire book is good for learning how to draw boundaries before it is too late and deciding whether to stay or leave (there is a short sections titled "Damaged Goods" that deals with bipolar relationships). Also, "Becoming Real" by Gail Saltz, M.D. is good for providing insight into our "stories" that keep us trapped. Finally, "Emotional Unavailability" by Bryn Collins is good for explaining what type of men are incapable of fully being present and giving emotional support in a relationship.
To be honest, when my relationship first started falling apart and I began all my research, I never thought I would post what I am about to ... I really believed we could make it work (he was medicated and in therapy ... so good luck to those who are in relationships with those who are not taking their meds). I believed I had the strength to find a way ... and I tried everything (research, therapy, support groups, NAMI, DBSA, etc.). But regardless of what you are able or willing to do, the other person needs to be able and willing to do the same. If they are not (or they are only willing to part of the time), you are fighting a losing battle that will leave more scars than you realize. Consider your choices carefully as you only have one life and time is precious. For me, I am just beginning to feel like "me" again and I have decided to go back to school to receive my master's in professional counseling. I figured all my research should not go to waste and since I have a strong tendency to want to "help" others, I should find a constructive way to do so. Wish me luck and I wish all of you luck too ... no matter what your choices (and each of us will take a different path), my prayers for guidance and strength are with each and every one of us who have been touched by bipolar.
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and RESEARCH. That's a very important thing for any person who is in a relationship with someone who is bipolar. Absolutely integral to know a bit about what they are going through and in times of feelin horrible about yourself because of the treatment you receive, it puts things back into perspective. Good luck...
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I have been in a relationship with someone for 6 months. The first four months were amazing. I fell in love quickly with this ridiculously attractive, charming man, that had a good sense of humor and adored me. However, early on in our relationship, he shared with me past struggles, such as suicide attempts, anger episodes, scars from cutting, a DUI, and mental hospital stays. He was afraid this would scare me, and it did, but I was willing to overlook those past issues because he told me it was the "old" him, results from a childhood of insecurities and the sudden death of his father 3 years earlier.
Things were going well, I noticed he was a very emotional person, getting very angry about some things, very happy about others. I also knew he was depressed and he was taking medication for it. The first night it happened, we were with my friends, and he suddenly became very withdrawn, went into my room and sat there alone. When I asked him what was wrong, he got so angry so fast, yelled at me and stormed out the door. He then sent me texts about how we were over and what not. I was a wreck, but the next day he came over and just said "I am so sorry, I did not mean any of those things".
It was smooth sailing again, but then these "incidents" started to happen more often. They usually occurred when he was stressed out or when I was stressed out and needed him to be there for me. They also began to get worse. More hurtful words, more doors slamming, sleeping on the couch, a push, an incident where he hit someone (and me in the process), and more one night break ups. His mood would change in an instant, or as I called it, he would "flip the switch". When things were good, they were GREAT. He was my best friend and we spent every day together, I couldn't get enough of him. However, when things were bad, they were so bad. What he said to me and the way he spoke to me was so hurtful and disrespectful. My friends questioned my happiness, asked if he was bipolar, and begged me to leave him. Of course, I didn't.
Overall, I felt like I had to walk on eggshells in the relationship. That I had to always be happy and a good mood to keep him up and if I was dealing with any kind of stress, I couldn't share it with him because it angered him. My biggest complaint to him was his lack of affection and demonstration of his love for me. However, to him, I was the one causing all of the problems. I told him everything he did wrong, I wasn't there for him, I was too stressed out about work, I annoyed him, I was constantly pulling his head in for a kiss and he didn't like to be manipulated, I was clingy, and the list goes on.
One a weekend vacation to the beach, he confided in my that he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the past. That during all his hospitals stays, that no doctor could find what was wrong with him, that he was just depressed. Only one doctor diagnosed him as bipolar and he didn't believe it. He said that he thought he was normal he just dealt with stress very differently and he was much more emotional than the average person.
The last month of that relationship was extremely stressful for both of us - I was graduating college and beginning a job search - he had just received his first job for the fall, was moving out on his own for the first time, and was dealing with family money issues. Needless to say, the stress took a serious toll on our relationship. He began to act cold and distant, and I was hurt by this. There were lots of fights, screaming matches, and deceitful behavior by him, which I found out about. When I confronted him, he ended our relationship.
The following three weeks he found himself with numerous women, making poor choices, and sleeping with another person. He began to do things that he never did when we were together, contradicting himself. He would call me almost every night, crying about his life, how bad things were, how unhappy he was. Finally I told him to stop contacting me. In this time I saw the most severe mood swings. He would call me crying and one thing I would say would set him off, sent him into an episode where he would scream at me things like "I am going to find someone better than you so f**k YOU", and other much more hurtful things. As like all of the other episodes, he would calm down and then calm me apologizing.
A week later he called me begging for me to take him back. He is so in love with me, he is so sorry, he only slept with someone else to get over me. I was willing to get him a second chance and the first three days were amazing. One night he came over, and the switch was flipped and he started screaming at me, ran outside in the middle of the night, telling me he regretted every calling me and many other more hurtful things. I was able to calm him down and he came back inside. The next few days were stressful and tension filled.
Last night he informed me that since our break up he had stopped taking his medication. It hit me how it all made sense. The mood swings were so much more extreme and sudden, the things he said so much more hurtful. And his daily texts and phone calls about how much he hates his life, how he has nothing good going for him.
We talked about all of this and he suddenly went to bed. A phone call in the night woke us both up. It was a girl he used to date, who asked if he was home, he lied and said yes. I asked him why he lied. He got extremely angry, yelled hurtful things, and left in the middle of the night. He then broke up with me, telling me how I do everything wrong. How I bring him down. 2 weeks ago, he told me that I saved him and make his life better.
The truth is, that since I ahve been with him, I am so stressed how, and have started to become depressed on my own. It is so hard to go through this. I love him. Highs, lows, depression, and all. I feel so stupid that I do, but I do and I want to work things out. But I know it will never get better, just worse. I know that I have to let him go, I just don't want to. I don't know what to do and I've forgotten how to be strong.
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Lehman9321,
My relationship ended months ago. In many ways, I know it is for the best. By the time we broke up, my self-esteem (which was fine before I met him) was very low. I doubted everything about myself … even my ability to make a choice without having to second guess myself. I have never suffered from depression (I had periods of sadness, but nothing I had difficulty working through with the help of my friends), but this break-up hit me harder than any other. It took 3-4 months of doubt and pain, a lot of therapy, and the support of my friends to get myself back together. Even now I suffer from short periods of missing him and the good times we shared. When this happens, I force myself to think back to the bad times, the hurtful things he said and did, and how I was always left feeling insecure, lost, confused, and alone while nothing seemed to affect him ... at least until he came back apologizing. Our last break-up came after we just reconciled and everything was going great. I mentioned talking about our future (we had been together for almost 2 years) and he all of the sudden changed his mind. He blamed it on me, then he blamed it on himself, then he just didn’t care anymore and wanted out.
I am not sure of many things, but I am sure of this ...
If you have posted to this forum (or if you are reading and identify with any of these posts), you are being mistreated. My therapist called it abuse. At first, I did not agree and defended my ex. Now, I agree completely.
Whether your boyfriend/girlfriend is bipolar, borderline, or just plain commitmentphobic ... he or she will wreak havoc on your life causing you to doubt your own sanity. Most likely, you will suffer from periods of depression and you will start to wonder if you are not bipolar yourself ... or at the very least, you will question if there is something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you ... you are trying to react sanely to an insane situation ... this is absolutely not possible ... you cannot reason with someone who is unreasonable (the confusing part is that sometimes they are reasonable, but it is never consistent because they will always cycle … call it crazy-making behavior).
As you stated, you know what you should or have to do, you just can't do it. You are holding out hoping the old person will return and everything will go back to “normal.” Guess what? This will happen and things will be great … for a while ... but sure enough, the other person will return … the relationship will end … and you will be left hurt and confused once again. You cannot forget or try to ignore that the person you love is really all the different parts … you cannot pick and choose ... it is a package deal. You whole life will begin to revolve around whether or not he is "in" or "out" of the relationship. You will convince yourself that these actions should not be held against your loved one because it is not his fault ... it is the bipolar to blame. This is ridiculous ... he may not be intentionally doing something, but it is still happening ... it still hurts ... it still leaves you alone ... and unless you can or want to live like this forever ... GET OUT NOW! Even medicated and in therapy (my ex was), the smallest thing can send your life into a tailspin. He can forget to take the meds, he can take some other meds (like Tylenol PM) that causes a bad reaction, he can have one drink with dinner, he can lose a night's sleep, he can change jobs, he can have a problem with anything, his brain chemistry can change (mid-life crisis), he can interpret a situation incorrectly, the list is endless ... but the result will always be the same ... he will not be able to cope effectively so he will panic and run. You cannot convince him otherwise. You cannot teach him how to cope. You cannot give him self-esteem. You cannot change him. You will be left to deal with the fallout ... alone, hurt, and confused. When everything is calm, he might appear again ... he might not ... you will always be wondering ... left in limbo ... never knowing whether to hold on or let go. The final breakup will be like no other you ever experienced. There will not be a slow disintegration of the relationship where you can see it coming and prepare for it. It will happen out of the blue ... when you least expect it ... when you heart is most vulnerable (trust me on this on!). He will be there one minute, gone the next. You will be lucky if you get a text or email with his version of an explanation (more like an excuse). You will NEVER get the closure you need because he doesn’t even understand what he is doing or why he is doing it. You will want and need the closure to move on, but you will have to accept that you will never get a solid reasonable explanation for what happened and why. The one thing I can promise you is that you will be left grieving the loss while he will move on like nothing even happened. He might say he feels sad about hurting you or about the break-up, but watch his actions … they will not match his words. In fact, if you think about it, his actions rarely matched his words throughout the entire relationship.
My friend said something to me that made a lot of sense so I will share it with you. She told me that I need to get my brain and my heart on the same page before falling in love. If my heart says yes, but my brain says no ... or vice versa ... then my instincts are telling me something is wrong. This is what I hear you saying in your words .... your heart says you love him, but your brain says no more pain. No matter what I share or write, you will most likely do what I did ... focus on the good times .... hold onto the dream of what could be ... pray for the person you fell in love with to return ... and stay with him until the bitter end. If you are lucky, he will dump you and give you your freedom. If not, you will look back on your life and realize you have taken a hard path with little, if any, appreciation for your sacrifices (moreover, you will be the one making most of the sacrifices). You might even regret the years you wasted. I am not denying the pain you will feel by letting go, but the pain of holding on is worse (trust me).
My therapist told me that this behavior of coming and going in relationships without any logical reasons or with reasons disguised as excuses can NOT be blamed on bipolar. I found a few books that helped me .... Men Who Can't Love and Emotional Unavailability. I have come to the realization that it doesn't make a difference what is causing the behavior ... what is important is how the behavior is affecting you. If it is a pattern and it is bringing you down a little more each time, RUN ... don't look back (although I know you will). In a few months, you will be able to look at the relationship more objectively. You will still feel pain, but it will be a different kind of pain ... one where you know you hurt (because you have been mistreated), but you now have regained control of your life (instead of allowing someone else’s actions to bring you down). This is manageable pain and you will eventually heal.
I wish you strength ...
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Recently, I began dating a woman who has long been diagnosed with acute bipolar personality disorder. I've known her for a while now, having decided to get to know her before dating her. Her personality, normally very bubbly, has gotten darker since the halfway point of the relationship (3-week mark and is currently at 5 and one-half weeks). We have many mutual likes and dislikes.
Some background on her. Currently, she's unemployed, and applying for section 8 housing and welfare for her disorder (yes, I know; giant warning sign). She's very much a hippie, free-spirited sort most of the time. She has a habit of skipping her prescription, leading to problems with nutrition and rest. She rationalizes this in saying that the drug makes her too tired, and unable to act (she's getting back on it after a lengthy absence without dosage).
We do have a two-hour distance between us, but we both crashed at each other's places regularly before the relationship began. Both of us live in the midwest.
Before the relationship, we were on our way to being best friends. She was interested before I was, and I was hesitant, as she had partially taken up the poly-lifestyle. One night, roughly six weeks ago, she convinced me to take a chance. The first half of the relationship went very smoothly.
She has a habit of skipping her prescription, leading to problems with nutrition and rest. She rationalizes this in saying that the drug makes her too tired, and unable to act (she's getting back on it after a lengthy absence without dosage).
At the three week mark of the relationship (nearly three weeks ago) she suddenly became more snippy. I'm not certain why. I let her make first contact most days (I only contacted her first twice, mostly to plan things)
After an argument one night, she became very angry over the way I quoted a mutual friend of ours she has some conflicts with (I'm afraid I really can't clarify this much more). I showed the text to said friend, who sadly scrolled up, saw a statement not to their liking and fired off an angry voicemail.
Two days later, my girlfriend accused me of betraying her confidence (I.E. either the text I meant to show, or the one I didn't, not certain), and "sicking" our friend on her. She ended all contact, refusing to speak to me. I'm not certain what to do, as when she started this new fight, she snapped at me. I made the mistake of snapping back.
I sent her a heartfelt e-mail, hoping to repair the rift in time, but she's blocked me, and also rallied many of her friends against me (she's incredibly attractive, so she has many would-be suitors, who while polite to my face, are apparently glad to see me gone). A few mutual friends are trying to intervene, however tenuously, on my behalf. Most are fairly certain this is normal for her, and a few have seen it before.
I think she had a manic episode, and that I didn't react correctly. I should have read up on these things before we even started dating. I know getting back together with her isn't likely, but I'd like to at least minimize the damage, go back to being friends, and be a source of stability for her. If any of you have experience or advice that can help with this, I'd love your help. Thanks in advance.
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