Hello to all of you who are going through this difficult and difficult is a mild way to put it, more like horrific experience that feels like it will never end. In the last year I have "seriously" detoxed and by serious I mean quitting for 3 weeks or more 4 seperate times. This last time it finally worked. I highly recommend "The Thomas Recipe", it can be found online, just google it. It really makes a difference! Immodium helps dramatically and so does valium and the supplements however be very aware of valium! I didn't even realize I was addicted to it until I tried to quit taking it. The whole reason I started taking the valium was from try to quit the oxy's but then trying to quit the oxy's become an entire year... It was HELL to get off of and takes forever, you have to slowly ween your dose down to an amount that seems ridiculous but that was the only way I could do it. As far as quitting the opiates, the only way I could do it was to taper down and you will feel really bad while tapering as well but it is bearable, unlike cold turkey which I could not handle! Also, walking or getting excericise is key, it helps so much especially with the restless legs and arms. As far as itching from detoxing I have never had that experience. If you can taper do it, if you keep messing up then just go cold turkey, the longer you wait the worse it will be and the longer the withdrawals will last! I took oxycodone's and oxycontin or hydrocodone, basically whatever I could get. I wasted thousands of dollars on this c**p in the last 2 and a half years that I spend taking these horrible pills. It's like being your own personal hell that no one can really see or understand except you and you try and stop and can't and this vicious cycle continues. It is so depressing and shameful, I've never felt so bad about myself in life and to think they actually made me feel good. This time when I quit I also saw a counselor and told my family members which really helped keep me accountable. I wish I could give more tips but the best thing to do is be active, be as healthy as possible, however sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get thru the withdrawal, I drank wine almost every night and it helped, not too much though you don't DO NOT want to be hung over and going thru withdrawal!!! The worst part is not being able to sleep but it does eventually end... It took about a month for my sleep to go back to normal, and for anyone with heavy long term oxy use, it will take 2 to 3 weeks to really start feeling better not 3 to 5 days! I'd say about ten days in is when I started to feel quite a bit better. Many people get very depressed, the physical withdrawal is just the first part to get thru and then you have to deal with all of the emotions that have been suppressed for such a long period of time. I had bursts of rage and crying spells. Awful to go through in front of my child... So the best thing I can recommend is to do the Thomas Recipe, start the supplements before you quit, taper if possible, and stay busy, walking and just being outside really helps! I feel sooooo much better now, I seriously forgot what it felt like to feel "normal". and it took along to time to really get there but I feel so much better and so much more hopeful for the future. I cannot tell you how fantastic it feels to have a clear mind and articulate my thoughts well and remember things clearly... for so long everything was just a blur... Good luck to you all and I really hope this post helps at least someone out there....
call me kyle but i need to tell my story since it seems similair to everyones on here and i am in need of some desperate help i have been addicted to oxycodone 30mg blue a215 pillz for about 3 years my average dose would be between 45-60 mgs a day and on some days 90+mgs if it was a bad day but i need some help about getting clean 4 good i have tried many times and go through the terrible wd symptoms restless nights, fatigue, painful aches, hot to cold flashes, chills, loss of apetite, upset stomach and somehow still make it back to normal clean sober again each time my body feels like its about to give out during the withdrawls because i always get clean cold turkey, but then weeks/months down the road i will get back on oxycodone 30mg pills i can not get out of this terrible cycle i dont know how long i can keep destorying my body til it cant do it anymore im in some need of advice on where to go from here i cant keep repeating the cycle of oxy addiction maybe i do need treatment instead of quiting cold turkey on my own every time
please if anyone out there knows how to help me i will be truely grateful for your guidance
thank you very much
kyle
please if anyone out there knows how to help me i will be truely grateful for your guidance
thank you very much
kyle
Hello All~
This is my first time here and once I found this forum I had to join immediately! I too am addicted to Percocet. I have had 3 back surgeries and each time I became more and more addicted until I realized that this cannot go on...I passed out about 2 weeks ago and busted my head open and was laid out in the living room floor for quite awhile until I could crawl to a chair and sit up...I had started taking a muscle relaxer with it that my gp had given me for Shingles and I guess that made the effect much worse. Anyway...to begin at the beginning...in 1988 I entered a rehab facility for drug addiction and alcoholism...I thought I had died and gone to hell...but, finally found my way back and was clean and sober for many years. Then, my back started giving me serious problems. The first surgery was a c-spine surgery and although I have had complete recovery and no lingering pain from that surgery it started me on the pain pills...and, then the nightmare began again. I soon had my surgeon fix an issue I had with my right foot so that I could take the Lortab that he had me on a while longer. Eventually, that stopped but I always seemed to find a way to get pain meds...be it a migrain or whatever it had to be. In a few years my lower back began to give me serious issues...I did physical therapy for 2 years and tried everything I could to get relief (even tried hanging upside down!) as the pain was horendous but nothing helpped. I had the first of two lower back surgeries...I have never recovered. The pain is just as severe now as it was the day I had the first lower back surgery. The last surgery was a year ago and I have been in a horible mess. Not only am I in pain all the time...now, the pain meds do not work and I find myself taking massive doses of Ibuprophen along with it. I went to a detox facility this past January and thought I would die as I detoxed. The problem wasn't the detox as much as it was with the pain I was forced to endure without the drugs. I thought I would die or lose my mind...actually, I wanted to die. I managed to stay off the drugs for 3 weeks after I returned home from my 10 day stay at the detox/rehab. I had to have some relief. Since then, the addiction has become much worse until I can't seem to get enough pain meds to even help. I go to a pm doctor but he is about tired of dealing with me as it's been a year since my surgery. Anyway, to make a long story shorter I decided after I passed out in the living room a couple of weeks ago to get off of the pain meds...no matter what. I tried going cold turkey...didn't work...thought I would lose my mind. So...naturally I began to take the meds again...now, my husband is detoxing me. He has my meds locked up and doses me at this point 4 times a day with a 10/500 mg percocet. Tomorrow we go down to 3...the problem is my pain is getting worse by the minute and I am wondering how I will live with it. I am determined not to live on pain pills the rest of my life. To give you a little more background in 1991 I was put on disability because of PTSD, Generalized Anxieity Disorder and Bi-Polar disorder...resulting from trauma in my life. I attempted suicide more times than I can count...and for the first time in years I am thinking about it again. The only thing that keeps me even trying to get through the day is my grandchildren. My father and grandfathers all committed suicide and I do not want to pass that curse on to my son and grandchildren. Anyway...don't know what my options are but it feels better just to write it out and know that someone may care enough to read it...
debbi
This is my first time here and once I found this forum I had to join immediately! I too am addicted to Percocet. I have had 3 back surgeries and each time I became more and more addicted until I realized that this cannot go on...I passed out about 2 weeks ago and busted my head open and was laid out in the living room floor for quite awhile until I could crawl to a chair and sit up...I had started taking a muscle relaxer with it that my gp had given me for Shingles and I guess that made the effect much worse. Anyway...to begin at the beginning...in 1988 I entered a rehab facility for drug addiction and alcoholism...I thought I had died and gone to hell...but, finally found my way back and was clean and sober for many years. Then, my back started giving me serious problems. The first surgery was a c-spine surgery and although I have had complete recovery and no lingering pain from that surgery it started me on the pain pills...and, then the nightmare began again. I soon had my surgeon fix an issue I had with my right foot so that I could take the Lortab that he had me on a while longer. Eventually, that stopped but I always seemed to find a way to get pain meds...be it a migrain or whatever it had to be. In a few years my lower back began to give me serious issues...I did physical therapy for 2 years and tried everything I could to get relief (even tried hanging upside down!) as the pain was horendous but nothing helpped. I had the first of two lower back surgeries...I have never recovered. The pain is just as severe now as it was the day I had the first lower back surgery. The last surgery was a year ago and I have been in a horible mess. Not only am I in pain all the time...now, the pain meds do not work and I find myself taking massive doses of Ibuprophen along with it. I went to a detox facility this past January and thought I would die as I detoxed. The problem wasn't the detox as much as it was with the pain I was forced to endure without the drugs. I thought I would die or lose my mind...actually, I wanted to die. I managed to stay off the drugs for 3 weeks after I returned home from my 10 day stay at the detox/rehab. I had to have some relief. Since then, the addiction has become much worse until I can't seem to get enough pain meds to even help. I go to a pm doctor but he is about tired of dealing with me as it's been a year since my surgery. Anyway, to make a long story shorter I decided after I passed out in the living room a couple of weeks ago to get off of the pain meds...no matter what. I tried going cold turkey...didn't work...thought I would lose my mind. So...naturally I began to take the meds again...now, my husband is detoxing me. He has my meds locked up and doses me at this point 4 times a day with a 10/500 mg percocet. Tomorrow we go down to 3...the problem is my pain is getting worse by the minute and I am wondering how I will live with it. I am determined not to live on pain pills the rest of my life. To give you a little more background in 1991 I was put on disability because of PTSD, Generalized Anxieity Disorder and Bi-Polar disorder...resulting from trauma in my life. I attempted suicide more times than I can count...and for the first time in years I am thinking about it again. The only thing that keeps me even trying to get through the day is my grandchildren. My father and grandfathers all committed suicide and I do not want to pass that curse on to my son and grandchildren. Anyway...don't know what my options are but it feels better just to write it out and know that someone may care enough to read it...
debbi
Oh Lord here goes 8-| . I have been on these >;) devil pills >;) for 5 years. It started with a head on accident and progressed from there. I can't do this anymore. I am moody, grumpy, jumpy, creeped out, pissed off, put out and ready to quit. I take 5 Oxycodone 30mg's a day with 3 Hydrocodone 10/650's for breakthrough pain o.O . I have ruptured discs in my spine, a meniscal tear, and debilitating migraine headaches (all of these are a result of a head on collision with a drunk driver :'( ) I have started to wean off them...by taking 1/2 my daily dose. The first day was down right horrible but it gets better each day. This is my third day. I actually feel like there is hope. I feel like I am ready to cut my 1/2 dose into another 1/2 dose but my brain keeps saying no. My will power says yes. I can do this. XD I am strong. I don't need these anymore. I will beat this. I just keep saying these things over and over. I am going to make myself stop if it's the last major thing I do in my life :-P .
Hello All:
I am a real Minister that has to counsel others and comfort many in the same situation that all
of you have fallen into. The thing is that I am in the same situation myself I have been on pain management
for years about 8 i think and for the most part i keep it under control but not always i still have the cravings
and I run out early and end up trading with other people I know that are on pain management also. the
thing that i notice the most about this pain management thing is everyone on it just about are having the
same problems that all of us are having, Is that at some point with all of us it gets out of control I may even
be much worse than some of you to the fact that i have to get my brother to dole mine out to me on a daily
basis. as I said i am a real Minister and i do in fact give my people all of the services that you would expect from
any Minister. I don't like where i am at with the drugs for the same reasons that most of you don't is that I know
for the most part it is out of my control and without the med's my pain is unbearable. And with me at this
point it is either use them or not, I go threw times i feel as if i am failing God, But that is the main thing i tell
people who come to me of course do not try to stop this on your own and that God still loves you even
though you have this problem, I tell them over and over to take there time and bring it under control as
they can as long as they are trying to repent with all there heart God understand the traps Satan has
set for you and it takes time to get uncaught sometimes. But some people are terrified they may die before they
correct this problem and i assure them God is not going to send them to hell as long as they are trying.
I also try to stress to them that some people need and must have this medication and it is no shame to it
as long as you are not trying to escape reality with them. Anyway I of course do not lie about the fact that
I need this medication, But i have not told but those who need to know that I feel it is out of control for me
sometimes, But we have a kind and loving God and he will work these things out for all of us, Just stay sincere
DO NOT give up and if you must have the medication tell your doc how you feel about them, God is with us
every step we take and he loves us more than we can comprehend so never think God has given up on you
because it is not in his nature to ever do that. And there is nothing he is not capable of forgiving us for .
Thank You All and God Bless you and yours.
I am a real Minister that has to counsel others and comfort many in the same situation that all
of you have fallen into. The thing is that I am in the same situation myself I have been on pain management
for years about 8 i think and for the most part i keep it under control but not always i still have the cravings
and I run out early and end up trading with other people I know that are on pain management also. the
thing that i notice the most about this pain management thing is everyone on it just about are having the
same problems that all of us are having, Is that at some point with all of us it gets out of control I may even
be much worse than some of you to the fact that i have to get my brother to dole mine out to me on a daily
basis. as I said i am a real Minister and i do in fact give my people all of the services that you would expect from
any Minister. I don't like where i am at with the drugs for the same reasons that most of you don't is that I know
for the most part it is out of my control and without the med's my pain is unbearable. And with me at this
point it is either use them or not, I go threw times i feel as if i am failing God, But that is the main thing i tell
people who come to me of course do not try to stop this on your own and that God still loves you even
though you have this problem, I tell them over and over to take there time and bring it under control as
they can as long as they are trying to repent with all there heart God understand the traps Satan has
set for you and it takes time to get uncaught sometimes. But some people are terrified they may die before they
correct this problem and i assure them God is not going to send them to hell as long as they are trying.
I also try to stress to them that some people need and must have this medication and it is no shame to it
as long as you are not trying to escape reality with them. Anyway I of course do not lie about the fact that
I need this medication, But i have not told but those who need to know that I feel it is out of control for me
sometimes, But we have a kind and loving God and he will work these things out for all of us, Just stay sincere
DO NOT give up and if you must have the medication tell your doc how you feel about them, God is with us
every step we take and he loves us more than we can comprehend so never think God has given up on you
because it is not in his nature to ever do that. And there is nothing he is not capable of forgiving us for .
Thank You All and God Bless you and yours.
I am currently abusing the oxys as a result of my boyfriend trying to help me go through menopause....he said the oxy would help with the hot-flashes that I was having such difficulty with.... Now, I cant tell whether its the oxy or the menopause that's causing me to sweat so badly.
I take between45 -90 mgs daily......and now it seems my whole life revolves around the oxys.... I schedule things so that I wont be caught without them. Now, I have a chance to start a new job....I scheduled the interview around the time of my dose of oxy so that I wouldnt get caught "sick" during the interview.
I tried to cut down on them...I cant tell whether the sweats are from the menopausae of fromt the oxys.....likely its from both. Anyway, this whole thing got started because I couldnt deal the the monopausal hotflashes.....its embarrassing to to break out in a sweat in front of people, co-workers, etc.
Does anyone out there know whether there may be over the counter help for either the oxy or the monopause? I cant afford a doctor right now...and I cant go to a detox because I just started this new job.... It took me months to find employment....and I cant financially keep my head above water without employment.
I take between45 -90 mgs daily......and now it seems my whole life revolves around the oxys.... I schedule things so that I wont be caught without them. Now, I have a chance to start a new job....I scheduled the interview around the time of my dose of oxy so that I wouldnt get caught "sick" during the interview.
I tried to cut down on them...I cant tell whether the sweats are from the menopausae of fromt the oxys.....likely its from both. Anyway, this whole thing got started because I couldnt deal the the monopausal hotflashes.....its embarrassing to to break out in a sweat in front of people, co-workers, etc.
Does anyone out there know whether there may be over the counter help for either the oxy or the monopause? I cant afford a doctor right now...and I cant go to a detox because I just started this new job.... It took me months to find employment....and I cant financially keep my head above water without employment.
You can quit taking any narcotic. The body will detox the same as from alcohol but less severe. Just give your body good nutrition and lots of fluid. It is a tough road to take but in 2 to 3 months you can just check yourself to say I no longer will take narcotics.
I have sat in bed for 5 days now and I was taking 30mg oxycodone and 15mg oxycodone 8 times a day I am 21 yrs old I was prescribed from a fake MRI but what keeps me fighting is losing the family I have always had watching them judge u never knoing wats going on I forgot wat the true meaning of love is. Because I just couldn't tell who I was hurting mu mothers side of the family is addicted to opiate and my fathers side is addicted to alcohol were does that leave me just another peace of garbage I am changing becuz I kno this is the right way to do things when som1 says hey I can get u a fake MRI tell shove it up there ass an be done with them becuz if u are like Me I promise u will regret it down the road and if ur like me look at the people u have hurt becuz of this of have lost becuz of this I was once addicted before and was clean for 8 months and now I am on a six month benger I'm not sayin Take my advice but think about it becuz ur not the only one being hurt look at the people around u don't u think they hurt just as munch as u thank you for reading.......... Paul
This is my 3rd time going cold turkey off oxycodone 30mgs 10 times a day. I have no real pain, just made it up to get a script instead of blowing all my money every single day. I feel so empowered that I can stop on my own but wanting to feel good never goes away for me. The withdrawal systems are complete hell, but I try to use it as a reminder of how bad I actually am and why it is so important to never do one again. I have decided that if i ever do one single pill again, I will lose everything that most of us deserve....my family, friends, girlfriend....i respect anyone that has any kind of addiction problem and can admit it.
What gets me through the first week or two is working out as much as I can. It builds my endorphins back up naturally and allows me to see life can be amazing without any kind of drug. I have no one to talk to for fear of being a complete disappointment to everyone I love. So just typing this helps more than you all know. The worst part of it all, is that I'm just scared I will never be happy without the pills. It sounds so dumb but it eats away at me everyday. That's why the gym is so important to me. I have a lot to offer like everyone else on here. I just hope I can see it before I can't control the urge again.
So, That was me venting and I apologize if it made no sense. Anyone can do whatever you put your mind to, i truly believe that. So please don't ever stop fighting, you can do it no matter how convincing your thoughts may be some days. Thanks for listening.
What gets me through the first week or two is working out as much as I can. It builds my endorphins back up naturally and allows me to see life can be amazing without any kind of drug. I have no one to talk to for fear of being a complete disappointment to everyone I love. So just typing this helps more than you all know. The worst part of it all, is that I'm just scared I will never be happy without the pills. It sounds so dumb but it eats away at me everyday. That's why the gym is so important to me. I have a lot to offer like everyone else on here. I just hope I can see it before I can't control the urge again.
So, That was me venting and I apologize if it made no sense. Anyone can do whatever you put your mind to, i truly believe that. So please don't ever stop fighting, you can do it no matter how convincing your thoughts may be some days. Thanks for listening.
Hello, I'm have a boyfriend and we live together around 1.1/2 year, he has a very serious addiction problems he take a pill for pain, Lortads (Hydrocodone), and he is going to cut the dosis, his goal is quit, and I want to help him, he been taking those pill for 4b years, he has 34 years old, and he take 6 pills now a day 10mg each. My question is what is gonna be the symptoms, and what it is the best way that i can help him?
All these messages from everyone really helps me understand how bad it is and how badly the people do need help to stop. Im just getting to my 1 year mark for doing them everyday, and within the last month or so my tollerance has gone up like crazy. I was doing about 3-5 oxy 80's a day, and still trying to ease off them now with about a 40mg or so everyday. But its horrible for pains and all the withdrawal symptons, and I find it extremely hard to get it out of my head and thats probably the worst part. What would you guys have to say would help with this? Im going to be 18 in less then a month and I would have to keep this from everyone i know like i have been doing. This is the worst possible thing ever! Please HELP!!!!!!!
My first suggestion would be that you should ween off of them more slowly. Eventually you'll have to stop completely, and that's when things are the worst. I've never heard of anyone else doing this, but I find that it actually helps to go into withdrawals for a few days, then use again for a day or two, and sea-saw like that a few times before you stop entirely. This will first of all lower the total amount of opiates in your system when you stop completely for the last time. The other advantage to this is that you get used to feeling like c**p often, and it's not as bad when you start getting used to it. Just make sure when you use again that you don't go crazy. The idea is really to feel normal again, not get high as hell.
I managed to stop using massive amounts of heroin, although it didn't last, without the use of any other drugs. Now it may be tricky for you to do this since you have pills, but I still had some stuff around that had enough dope on it to allow me to get a shot that would partially get rid of my withdrawal symptoms. This helped immensely, as it was so little that it really didn't drag out my withdrawals, it just let me settle down and relax every now and then. In your case I suppose you could crush up an 80 and put a little bit of powder onto a piece of toilet paper, and wet it so that the powder sticks. Make a few of those, and hold onto them when you are really desperate. Be careful how much you do though. If you feel 100% better after doing one of those then you did too much. You'll likely just prolong your withdrawals.
While you're really sick my best suggestion is take long hot showers (or baths if you prefer). Times when I was super dope sick my only relief was sitting in a hot shower. There were times I was in and out of the shower all night long. Also try to get out and take walks. It really can help clear your mind of how terrible you feel, although I know when you feel really sick this can be hard to do.
I hope this helps. If you have any more specific questions feel free to post them. I'll check back here later.
I managed to stop using massive amounts of heroin, although it didn't last, without the use of any other drugs. Now it may be tricky for you to do this since you have pills, but I still had some stuff around that had enough dope on it to allow me to get a shot that would partially get rid of my withdrawal symptoms. This helped immensely, as it was so little that it really didn't drag out my withdrawals, it just let me settle down and relax every now and then. In your case I suppose you could crush up an 80 and put a little bit of powder onto a piece of toilet paper, and wet it so that the powder sticks. Make a few of those, and hold onto them when you are really desperate. Be careful how much you do though. If you feel 100% better after doing one of those then you did too much. You'll likely just prolong your withdrawals.
While you're really sick my best suggestion is take long hot showers (or baths if you prefer). Times when I was super dope sick my only relief was sitting in a hot shower. There were times I was in and out of the shower all night long. Also try to get out and take walks. It really can help clear your mind of how terrible you feel, although I know when you feel really sick this can be hard to do.
I hope this helps. If you have any more specific questions feel free to post them. I'll check back here later.
Please explain further the toilet paper method. How does one administer this?
I am in the process of weaning and am interested in all and any advice.
Never did pills in all my life, but now find myself addicted to Oxy - now up to 30 mg (and sometimes more) per day. It no longer gives me the energy to be the uber woman at work & home. Find that I now simply need it to feel less than normal and sleep without sweats and etc....
Going through menopause at the same time exaggerates the addiction and withdrawals.
I have been cutting the pills into fourths, but I am struggling to truly cut back on a daily basis.
No insurance, no money for a doctor.
I am taking tons of vitamins and soy supplements (menopause).
I have been hiding this addiction from most of my associates. I MUST find a way to detox/withdrawal without anyone knowing. I would lose my job...
I am in the process of weaning and am interested in all and any advice.
Never did pills in all my life, but now find myself addicted to Oxy - now up to 30 mg (and sometimes more) per day. It no longer gives me the energy to be the uber woman at work & home. Find that I now simply need it to feel less than normal and sleep without sweats and etc....
Going through menopause at the same time exaggerates the addiction and withdrawals.
I have been cutting the pills into fourths, but I am struggling to truly cut back on a daily basis.
No insurance, no money for a doctor.
I am taking tons of vitamins and soy supplements (menopause).
I have been hiding this addiction from most of my associates. I MUST find a way to detox/withdrawal without anyone knowing. I would lose my job...
Hi, Im addicted to oxycontin too. I was on the methadone program but i hated how i felt so i have been substituting it with oxicontin. I am on 6 80mg a day minimum and I sooo badly want to get off. Im thinking reducing the amount I am on but everytime I try it just dosent happen. It has consumed my life so much that I dont know what to do with myself if im not using oxicontin. Its around me all the time and its so hard to say no when its always available. Ive been using them for 3 years now and I want to do it on my own and in private as no one is aware of my situation only one other person. If anyone has any ideas as to how I can ween myself Off that would be much appreciated. Thanx
DrGothican wrote:
Please please please get a back up plan quick check yourself nto your local hospital as a sucide mission they will at least be able to monitor your body, pretend you are attempting sucide to not stop nut you have loved ones you are there checking yourself in for
Hey I'm the guy that's been on narcotics for eleven years now and I read all the other notes, trying to keep up and I wanted to maybe ask for someones help out there. I understand the addiction and what I must do to get off but so many people do not understand this. I am also epileptic and withdrawal reduces my threshold to the point that I begin to have seizuers. The doctors do not know why I have seizure I have had them since I was 12 but if I am force anywhere bad withdrawal I could go into a seizuer and not ever come out. This is what is scaring the hell out of me and I cannot find a facility anywhere that will accept me. I have written every talk show under the sun and no one is helping! I don't know how to tell people anymore but my doctor is acting real strange. When I went in there to tell him I was absolutly coming off narcotics he acted like I just shoot his dog. I think he is simple going to cut me off cold turkey and there is a very good chance this will kill me. I do not know what to do. I have called a every facility I can find on the internet, and hospitals that have drug programs. Either they won't take me or they seem more like a prison ward then a rehab facility. I can not do the 12 step, this is not what this person needs. What I need is a place that will preserve my dignity and my self esteame. I had a real crappy childhood and spent the last forty years trying to become a human being now all the human being have left the planet and I am the only one left.
I do not know what to do, HELP!
Please please please get a back up plan quick check yourself nto your local hospital as a sucide mission they will at least be able to monitor your body, pretend you are attempting sucide to not stop nut you have loved ones you are there checking yourself in for