Hi Dawn-thank you for replying!
Theres a part of me that just wants to dissapear! Theres a part of me thats angry and bitterly so with the Nhs, the fact that I was a twin then they kept me alive blah blah and naturally I should be dead! Maybe I wouldnt be such a cry baby then! Theres a bit of me that has the words"Youll be slower than the rest all your life" GREAT Gee thanks, slower than the rest, slower!!!!!!God I wanted to rant it at my gp yesterday when I wa sn the phone I wanted to say look, my drinking has nothing to do with it-this is the way it is...and then the thinking -these pills are poison-just likethe fake opiate they injected into his mum which killed her within 55 minutes! Ive lost ALL TRUST. I trust my girls -thats the only people now!
I have such a love/hate relationship with my own mum too-it doesnt help! I dont think my mum ever really liked me-and I think she loves my children but still doesnt realy like me. Im just a cry baby that cant see no light! but then theres that part of me that thinks no she loves you-she loves you so much she want leave your flippin front door, and she spoke to r over and over and over about her owndads death, but mum was extremly close to dad. I was kicking her" SHUT UP!"On and on she went, over and over like her own therapy session!
Anywa, I know your right about the girls. I know it too! Im scared! The eldest ( ales) her we heart is a bit broken-she has been lying on the couch pasteie faced and you can see her questionaing mortality-she keeps kissing and cuddling me and telling me she loves me. I tell her that too-but it deosnt take the fear away. I dont know dawn -you tell me I need emotional help etc, but im i not just normal , is it not just normal im just more honest with my thoughts and tel it here more than others. Also , you say I am an alcoholic-yes, but I have a big sister who drinks twice as much and weighs 2 stone lighter and still manages to hold down a profession. ( my mums favourite child!) That sounds so bitter like ive never grown up. Its funny after having my children I was all right. i even ate fruit! I wanted to live, give them the best!... Though , I know from the moment I got home with Becca-I had the craving (GIVE ME A BLOODY DRINK!) its the only thing that could take the empty feeling away. Niki was with me at that time( my sister) and the 2 off us would stay up late like till 3 in the morning looking after the girls and then hitting the bottle....anyway..no one really knows all that..and I could go on..as ther ewere many a night I would leave her and him up and id be nursing Becks, ( oh dear whoops help-That was really badly put. then my best friend came over and helped.....then there was all his family--we lived above them all and his family took priority. AnywayI dont need counciling, a new doctor anything.I need a distraction-I need a job in a hospital or something -see the real pain ! God that sounds bad! But I want to help more than anything! Anyway, ENOUGH! I dont think im depressed, self loathing but anyone would be if they were balmed for their twins death , only see out of one eye and not see a threat, that struggles and struggles and everyone else seems to find it easy ( though I know that it not !). Anyway, got to go . Ive tried to hide- I dont kow dawn-at the moment im going through the usual-theres one way out. thinking about buying lots off pils and whacking my head in the bath tub but I dont want to either. i then think i cant my girls deserve more, then followed by matbe they could have more he could bring in his girlfriend! But then Im there mum and you only get one mum and then the im the only human that knows every little bit about them...though I dont either...but my eldest likes to still have a baby bath....johnstons baby soap, shampoo and infacare bubble bath....and its funny as I know shes getting ready for the big girls stuff too! Anyway, then thers that god-hes just lst his mum the REAL pain!! i can feel it in the tops of my arms, the pitt of my stomach the taste in my outh, but I cant imagine what kind of pain he must be in! I know theres nothing between us-YES I can get emergency accomodation-yes I nkow -but it will be grim and you know its been so long since hes done any damage to me-i mean physical sexual etc that its like i cant remeber.....and its not maybe its the way I see it rahter than him being so harmful to me, like he says "He was only wanting to make love to me" and that im no fun and that ive missread between the lines, thoughin my own head I think its not right to throw someone down and demand it-is it?Got go ! Ive so much work to do! Its boring but it does stick..I like this unconditional positive regard stuff....its good, but where do you draw the line? Its like a mum ignoring the fact that their child is realy obese and gorging themselves, and saying they have low blood sugar. its like turning a blind eye to the anorexic and saying they have a high metabolic rate and gladualr fever triggered this metabolism..Its like saying \im an alcoholic but that can be forgiven due to abuse. it cant -theres just NO excuse!! Ive got to go...thanks for standing by me!
Theres a part of me that just wants to dissapear! Theres a part of me thats angry and bitterly so with the Nhs, the fact that I was a twin then they kept me alive blah blah and naturally I should be dead! Maybe I wouldnt be such a cry baby then! Theres a bit of me that has the words"Youll be slower than the rest all your life" GREAT Gee thanks, slower than the rest, slower!!!!!!God I wanted to rant it at my gp yesterday when I wa sn the phone I wanted to say look, my drinking has nothing to do with it-this is the way it is...and then the thinking -these pills are poison-just likethe fake opiate they injected into his mum which killed her within 55 minutes! Ive lost ALL TRUST. I trust my girls -thats the only people now!
I have such a love/hate relationship with my own mum too-it doesnt help! I dont think my mum ever really liked me-and I think she loves my children but still doesnt realy like me. Im just a cry baby that cant see no light! but then theres that part of me that thinks no she loves you-she loves you so much she want leave your flippin front door, and she spoke to r over and over and over about her owndads death, but mum was extremly close to dad. I was kicking her" SHUT UP!"On and on she went, over and over like her own therapy session!
Anywa, I know your right about the girls. I know it too! Im scared! The eldest ( ales) her we heart is a bit broken-she has been lying on the couch pasteie faced and you can see her questionaing mortality-she keeps kissing and cuddling me and telling me she loves me. I tell her that too-but it deosnt take the fear away. I dont know dawn -you tell me I need emotional help etc, but im i not just normal , is it not just normal im just more honest with my thoughts and tel it here more than others. Also , you say I am an alcoholic-yes, but I have a big sister who drinks twice as much and weighs 2 stone lighter and still manages to hold down a profession. ( my mums favourite child!) That sounds so bitter like ive never grown up. Its funny after having my children I was all right. i even ate fruit! I wanted to live, give them the best!... Though , I know from the moment I got home with Becca-I had the craving (GIVE ME A BLOODY DRINK!) its the only thing that could take the empty feeling away. Niki was with me at that time( my sister) and the 2 off us would stay up late like till 3 in the morning looking after the girls and then hitting the bottle....anyway..no one really knows all that..and I could go on..as ther ewere many a night I would leave her and him up and id be nursing Becks, ( oh dear whoops help-That was really badly put. then my best friend came over and helped.....then there was all his family--we lived above them all and his family took priority. AnywayI dont need counciling, a new doctor anything.I need a distraction-I need a job in a hospital or something -see the real pain ! God that sounds bad! But I want to help more than anything! Anyway, ENOUGH! I dont think im depressed, self loathing but anyone would be if they were balmed for their twins death , only see out of one eye and not see a threat, that struggles and struggles and everyone else seems to find it easy ( though I know that it not !). Anyway, got to go . Ive tried to hide- I dont kow dawn-at the moment im going through the usual-theres one way out. thinking about buying lots off pils and whacking my head in the bath tub but I dont want to either. i then think i cant my girls deserve more, then followed by matbe they could have more he could bring in his girlfriend! But then Im there mum and you only get one mum and then the im the only human that knows every little bit about them...though I dont either...but my eldest likes to still have a baby bath....johnstons baby soap, shampoo and infacare bubble bath....and its funny as I know shes getting ready for the big girls stuff too! Anyway, then thers that god-hes just lst his mum the REAL pain!! i can feel it in the tops of my arms, the pitt of my stomach the taste in my outh, but I cant imagine what kind of pain he must be in! I know theres nothing between us-YES I can get emergency accomodation-yes I nkow -but it will be grim and you know its been so long since hes done any damage to me-i mean physical sexual etc that its like i cant remeber.....and its not maybe its the way I see it rahter than him being so harmful to me, like he says "He was only wanting to make love to me" and that im no fun and that ive missread between the lines, thoughin my own head I think its not right to throw someone down and demand it-is it?Got go ! Ive so much work to do! Its boring but it does stick..I like this unconditional positive regard stuff....its good, but where do you draw the line? Its like a mum ignoring the fact that their child is realy obese and gorging themselves, and saying they have low blood sugar. its like turning a blind eye to the anorexic and saying they have a high metabolic rate and gladualr fever triggered this metabolism..Its like saying \im an alcoholic but that can be forgiven due to abuse. it cant -theres just NO excuse!! Ive got to go...thanks for standing by me!
Ok-Dawn-ive been found out now-1 dont know what im going to do . I mght vanish!
I was just thinking-sh*t -should have asked the doctor for a week off! i dont know. i gues he has a point-who wants to help somone if they want to help themsleves but cant be bothered? also why sould I have an advantage over others-because I drink?On reflection i guess these things had to be asked!
Anyway, yeah- I havent got a clue what to do now! The last thing I want to do is sit here on my pc and write about something in a healthy manor when I feel totally drained. i feel I cant breathe -i want fresh air!
I was just thinking-sh*t -should have asked the doctor for a week off! i dont know. i gues he has a point-who wants to help somone if they want to help themsleves but cant be bothered? also why sould I have an advantage over others-because I drink?On reflection i guess these things had to be asked!
Anyway, yeah- I havent got a clue what to do now! The last thing I want to do is sit here on my pc and write about something in a healthy manor when I feel totally drained. i feel I cant breathe -i want fresh air!
Before I go and start working. I have 2 questions
!) have I got a massive brain tumour-hence the inability to help my slef, the wobbling about, the numbness etc?
Ok-i have serioulsy though this one and I do think the profesionals here over state what i drink because of my incapabilities rather than my drinking causing my incapabilities/anxiety /drinking. My depression and anxiety have always been their, at nursery the nurses rang my mum bacause I wouldnt make friends- ok i did, Initily I made friends with a boy who is no longer here, who had downe syndrome...okay I always do that.......
2) This is now ord of a lie, and im frightened to tell my doctor about this ...but the night his mum passed away...I had a fit thing on the floor. I wen tfor a pee, then fell of the lou seat because I was shaking ( its okay I d finished peeing ha ha) but I lay and shook and I couldnt stop it/// I managed to get out of it, and when i did i felt fine-yes for a split moment I felt content. Then later that evening the same ting happened! I felt like my chest had reduced in size and felt okay. Erm-your the first ive told-I dont intend on teeling this again to anyonwee unless it becomes a coomon occurence! And is there test for epiliepsy?
!) have I got a massive brain tumour-hence the inability to help my slef, the wobbling about, the numbness etc?
Ok-i have serioulsy though this one and I do think the profesionals here over state what i drink because of my incapabilities rather than my drinking causing my incapabilities/anxiety /drinking. My depression and anxiety have always been their, at nursery the nurses rang my mum bacause I wouldnt make friends- ok i did, Initily I made friends with a boy who is no longer here, who had downe syndrome...okay I always do that.......
2) This is now ord of a lie, and im frightened to tell my doctor about this ...but the night his mum passed away...I had a fit thing on the floor. I wen tfor a pee, then fell of the lou seat because I was shaking ( its okay I d finished peeing ha ha) but I lay and shook and I couldnt stop it/// I managed to get out of it, and when i did i felt fine-yes for a split moment I felt content. Then later that evening the same ting happened! I felt like my chest had reduced in size and felt okay. Erm-your the first ive told-I dont intend on teeling this again to anyonwee unless it becomes a coomon occurence! And is there test for epiliepsy?
I keep re reading your last posting to me-no offence but the idea my children could in anyway feel like I have done is horrifying!!!!!I cant concentrate-all the words merge into one and nothing is sinking in. I cant fathom it out myself ! What do I want? Why do I still drink etc?I meaits just silly business Mind you and omg I hope no one actually knows who I am comes here and reads my breakdown.
Ive serious heartburn today! Owe I dont know if i was supposed to, but thankfully the letter my doctor gave me is ok..well that is ??what social difficulties????My weight has dropped to 7 stone 11and food is so tasteless!
Sorry Bambi Im doing it again! But I do think I need to preserve myself rather than talk to others. Maybe thats it, maybe by talking to others its made me worse-though im actually a lot better than 3 years ago. When I think about it, its ive nothing more to give feeling, to total despair anger and exhaustion...anyway..Im sure ive eaten some chicken that was off.
Kiddies are doing much much better!I think you have a point though. Im seriously going to have to hide my real thinking from them. I did mean to ask the doctor if I could up my citalopram levels, its not good for the girls, being so young, going through a bereavment and being surroundd by pure doom. The younger one seems oblivious , but I just think she cant get her head round it. The other one has sort of come out of that shocked place...in fact shes gone shopping, shes ben sleeping in beside me at night though-i get the impression she doesnt want to be on her own. Its hard to believe that she is the same weight as my sister. I cant concentrate and I have to do well on this paper as it could be the start of good things to come, but im just not myself.
Thats the other thing, Ive been discharged fronm the drinks clinic for 3 months. Ive to go bck in June. I dont want to go back, not ever! Theres 2 lines of thought for me. Continue what Im doing and maitntain a balance on my drinking ( that I dont think I can control), accept how my life is and lcarry on and stop annoying people COMPLETELY, or be frre of it TOTALLY, but for me to BEHAVE i reckon I need to be watched over not too drink. At home and in my blue moments its all I think about-which is not the person I ever thought id be or the person Id ever want to be-sort me out Thorne B :'( Thats the other thing though.this medication I dont know how you Dawn copw with it, i find its like coffee, it makes me sleep instead of making me awake-thats not right is it? The other side affect is heavy duty runs....I thought I was going to end up drowningf in itEuch! what a thought-though its how I feel and I seem to have this coughing choking thing where I cant breathe. if I put things in my mouth I cant breathe and I choke and every time i do this choking thing I have to go to the lou? What is that? Its like im dying? Am I ?
What is oat meal cancer anyway? small cell cancer-what is that? 2 weeks and 6 days! Do you know anything about this type? I goggled it but then got tooo scared so came out of that dark place! Right sorry but I need Ice cream and i need to aim for 3000 words today. I might just finish it in time-so distracted though!
Okay sorry for the grief I just want someone to talk to!
Ive serious heartburn today! Owe I dont know if i was supposed to, but thankfully the letter my doctor gave me is ok..well that is ??what social difficulties????My weight has dropped to 7 stone 11and food is so tasteless!
Sorry Bambi Im doing it again! But I do think I need to preserve myself rather than talk to others. Maybe thats it, maybe by talking to others its made me worse-though im actually a lot better than 3 years ago. When I think about it, its ive nothing more to give feeling, to total despair anger and exhaustion...anyway..Im sure ive eaten some chicken that was off.
Kiddies are doing much much better!I think you have a point though. Im seriously going to have to hide my real thinking from them. I did mean to ask the doctor if I could up my citalopram levels, its not good for the girls, being so young, going through a bereavment and being surroundd by pure doom. The younger one seems oblivious , but I just think she cant get her head round it. The other one has sort of come out of that shocked place...in fact shes gone shopping, shes ben sleeping in beside me at night though-i get the impression she doesnt want to be on her own. Its hard to believe that she is the same weight as my sister. I cant concentrate and I have to do well on this paper as it could be the start of good things to come, but im just not myself.
Thats the other thing, Ive been discharged fronm the drinks clinic for 3 months. Ive to go bck in June. I dont want to go back, not ever! Theres 2 lines of thought for me. Continue what Im doing and maitntain a balance on my drinking ( that I dont think I can control), accept how my life is and lcarry on and stop annoying people COMPLETELY, or be frre of it TOTALLY, but for me to BEHAVE i reckon I need to be watched over not too drink. At home and in my blue moments its all I think about-which is not the person I ever thought id be or the person Id ever want to be-sort me out Thorne B :'( Thats the other thing though.this medication I dont know how you Dawn copw with it, i find its like coffee, it makes me sleep instead of making me awake-thats not right is it? The other side affect is heavy duty runs....I thought I was going to end up drowningf in itEuch! what a thought-though its how I feel and I seem to have this coughing choking thing where I cant breathe. if I put things in my mouth I cant breathe and I choke and every time i do this choking thing I have to go to the lou? What is that? Its like im dying? Am I ?
What is oat meal cancer anyway? small cell cancer-what is that? 2 weeks and 6 days! Do you know anything about this type? I goggled it but then got tooo scared so came out of that dark place! Right sorry but I need Ice cream and i need to aim for 3000 words today. I might just finish it in time-so distracted though!
Okay sorry for the grief I just want someone to talk to!
This is impossible. Im trying to read for my essays etc and nothing is going in!
I was just thinking what Id like to do is get one of those grass hopper things. You know those things that you bounce on and have carrot ears and look like a rabbit. i think I called it a dellie bopper as a child.Id love to get on one of those and find my children just so they could have a real hard laugh! Its all been too serious lately!
Im trying to read on this therapy stuff and its driving me insane! Round the bend! But I cant stop trying because ive got this far with it now! I wentout earlier , legs were like jellie and got really dizzie, but i managed and was fine. I cant believe ive been like this for so long either! It is possible for me just to do this work and get it in on time-im going to give it ago
Bambi I want the label "alcoholic of my records" half of me wishes Id kept quiet about my problems, the other half of me says im doing the right thing.
I read your note to e, and I just want it made clear that I have actually applied for housing, but lately ive not been hassling the housing department like i should be....it everything though. i was thinking I should take a step back, view myself from above and see how bad I am at looking after myself, then review it myself.
I am a bit lost at the moment. i dont know why I feel the way I do either , I wish i could get focused again, and that medication is giving me sinnisitus again ( owe here we go , blame it on the pill),,,hmmm. The funeral is next wednesday, it sems such a long wait in between times. i dont remeber it being this long atime. I dont know if I should make them their tea or not, wil they have eaten , what time is it?
I was just thinking what Id like to do is get one of those grass hopper things. You know those things that you bounce on and have carrot ears and look like a rabbit. i think I called it a dellie bopper as a child.Id love to get on one of those and find my children just so they could have a real hard laugh! Its all been too serious lately!
Im trying to read on this therapy stuff and its driving me insane! Round the bend! But I cant stop trying because ive got this far with it now! I wentout earlier , legs were like jellie and got really dizzie, but i managed and was fine. I cant believe ive been like this for so long either! It is possible for me just to do this work and get it in on time-im going to give it ago
Bambi I want the label "alcoholic of my records" half of me wishes Id kept quiet about my problems, the other half of me says im doing the right thing.
I read your note to e, and I just want it made clear that I have actually applied for housing, but lately ive not been hassling the housing department like i should be....it everything though. i was thinking I should take a step back, view myself from above and see how bad I am at looking after myself, then review it myself.
I am a bit lost at the moment. i dont know why I feel the way I do either , I wish i could get focused again, and that medication is giving me sinnisitus again ( owe here we go , blame it on the pill),,,hmmm. The funeral is next wednesday, it sems such a long wait in between times. i dont remeber it being this long atime. I dont know if I should make them their tea or not, wil they have eaten , what time is it?
I know how you feel I DO - and you know that I do! I have gone through what you have so I GET IT!!! And thus I can tell you what to do!
Have you ever had a face off with your mother for saying such terrible stupid things to you = about you killing your twin? What an awful thing to say! Your mom is like mine was, they came from abusive and neglectful environments - both having mental hormonal issues - and then we GOT IT! In spades - not neccassarily against us, but against ALL the injustices and terrible things that happened to them! Kind of like arguing over the toothpaste - and it's NOT about the toothpaste! The 1 thing we ALL have in common on here - yours and my situations and people involved - is that we are ALL hurt human beings! And we have taken paths and directions to deal with this! We have done it by transference, self loathing, alcoholism, anxiety, depression, suicidal, physical/mental/emotional abuse, ALL TOXIC!
You are SURROUNDED and FILLED with TOXICICTY! Your surroundings and relationships are SO toxic, it makes you toxic - emotionally, physically, mentally etc. You are INFECTED! Your brain is SO overwhelmed with such HORRIBLE memories and experiences that you can't cope! IS that a failure? GOD NO!!!!!! It is a reaction to the situations that are pummelling you over and over again! He is NOT a monster, he is a victim and a bully by choice - this is the way he copes with ALL the pressures and memories! You qrew up surrounded by lies and dissapointments and TERRIBLE things being said and done to you! How the hell are you supposed to know how to cope with REGULAR society!?
You don't have ANY good role models around you at ALL! All you are going on is your strong love for your girls, you have NO intention of making your girls feel the same way you did, but unfortunately they ARE turning into the same person as you are because they can't deal with ALL the sadness and NOW they are WORRIED SICK that you are going to kill yourself! THUS the worried about dying and being huggy with you! You might not be saying the words but you are DEFINITELY giving them signals that you are ready to check out!
You ARE in the middle of a mental/emotional/physical breakdown! And you can say for as long as you like that you are just rambling - you are NOT you are saying how you feel and you feel desperate! Clonazepam is NOT the only drug out there! Since I have been on Cymbalta and Clonazepam I have NO urge to drink or do opiates! Do you have ANY idea how IMPOSSIBLE that would have been for me without these 2 drugs?!!
NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY! You ARE and ALCOHOLIC Katy and you KNOW IT!! So STOP saying you aren't you ARE! It is up to you if you are going to deal with this, or let it take over your life - leading to devestating consequences! You CANT be on antidepresseants AND drink! PLAIN AND SIMPLE! You can end up in a coma with this dangerous cocktail! It makes me laugh - not in a good way - that you read ALL about the "negatives" of the Antibuse yet TOTALLY overlook the negatives of being an alcoholic!!! Read up on that Katy! Read up on how your liver, throat, stomach, bladder WILL get cancer or hepatitis! You HAVE to come clean with yourself - I'm not saying stand of a corner in Edingburgh and shout "I'm Katy and I'm an Alcoholic!" I am saying you HAVE to come clean inside and STOP making the excuses to keep on drinking! IF I hadn't come clean and said to myself that I was an alcoholic and addict, this would have given me carte blanche to get pissed everynight without consequence!
So NO more denials Katy - THIS is your1st step - just a quiet one between you and me and the lamppost ;-) You passed out from your brain shutting down - she can't HANDLE all of this - thus you not being able to concentrate on your courses! As I told you before this is TOO much or you right now! How can someone struggling to keep their head above water in a lake, be thrown into the Pacific? That's NOT fair on the rest of your body!
The NHS has NOT let you down, because they DON'T know the TRUTH or whole story - IF they knew everything they would have helped by now! The pill does NOT give you sinistus, you do NOT have a brain tumour or breast cancer! You have depression anxiety! So for you to stop thinking it's the pills poisioning you, you HAVE to get the appropriate help! You will NEVER believe that there is NOTHING physically wrong with you - because it is you overstressed and underwhelmed brain doing this to you! It is BEGGING for you to give it some help! And because you havne't it is sending out EVERY bad signal it can muster to make you LISTEN! You are a VERY bright girl Katy you have studied Psychology and you KNOW that this is right! IT just doesn't happen to OTHER people it can happen to ALL people! And it IS happening to you! IF you feel that it is not happening to you -Tell me what makes you SO special that you can't be the one ovewhelmed? IS it only 1 kind of person that has mental illness or being emotionally overwhelmed? If so could you look in your text book and tell me what specialists say about the 1 type of person who can experience depression, anxiety, being out of control! OR do the books say it can happen to ANYONE - thin, fat, rich, poor, young, old, black, white, working, unemployed, living in a mansion, or living in a 1 roof rat infested flat? OWN it Katie!!! OWN IT!! It is NOT your fault at all! It is ALL the c**p you have gone through since the day you were born, and now you are using each one of those cases as an excuse - it's NOT an excuse it's a reality!
Have you ever had a face off with your mother for saying such terrible stupid things to you = about you killing your twin? What an awful thing to say! Your mom is like mine was, they came from abusive and neglectful environments - both having mental hormonal issues - and then we GOT IT! In spades - not neccassarily against us, but against ALL the injustices and terrible things that happened to them! Kind of like arguing over the toothpaste - and it's NOT about the toothpaste! The 1 thing we ALL have in common on here - yours and my situations and people involved - is that we are ALL hurt human beings! And we have taken paths and directions to deal with this! We have done it by transference, self loathing, alcoholism, anxiety, depression, suicidal, physical/mental/emotional abuse, ALL TOXIC!
You are SURROUNDED and FILLED with TOXICICTY! Your surroundings and relationships are SO toxic, it makes you toxic - emotionally, physically, mentally etc. You are INFECTED! Your brain is SO overwhelmed with such HORRIBLE memories and experiences that you can't cope! IS that a failure? GOD NO!!!!!! It is a reaction to the situations that are pummelling you over and over again! He is NOT a monster, he is a victim and a bully by choice - this is the way he copes with ALL the pressures and memories! You qrew up surrounded by lies and dissapointments and TERRIBLE things being said and done to you! How the hell are you supposed to know how to cope with REGULAR society!?
You don't have ANY good role models around you at ALL! All you are going on is your strong love for your girls, you have NO intention of making your girls feel the same way you did, but unfortunately they ARE turning into the same person as you are because they can't deal with ALL the sadness and NOW they are WORRIED SICK that you are going to kill yourself! THUS the worried about dying and being huggy with you! You might not be saying the words but you are DEFINITELY giving them signals that you are ready to check out!
You ARE in the middle of a mental/emotional/physical breakdown! And you can say for as long as you like that you are just rambling - you are NOT you are saying how you feel and you feel desperate! Clonazepam is NOT the only drug out there! Since I have been on Cymbalta and Clonazepam I have NO urge to drink or do opiates! Do you have ANY idea how IMPOSSIBLE that would have been for me without these 2 drugs?!!
NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY! You ARE and ALCOHOLIC Katy and you KNOW IT!! So STOP saying you aren't you ARE! It is up to you if you are going to deal with this, or let it take over your life - leading to devestating consequences! You CANT be on antidepresseants AND drink! PLAIN AND SIMPLE! You can end up in a coma with this dangerous cocktail! It makes me laugh - not in a good way - that you read ALL about the "negatives" of the Antibuse yet TOTALLY overlook the negatives of being an alcoholic!!! Read up on that Katy! Read up on how your liver, throat, stomach, bladder WILL get cancer or hepatitis! You HAVE to come clean with yourself - I'm not saying stand of a corner in Edingburgh and shout "I'm Katy and I'm an Alcoholic!" I am saying you HAVE to come clean inside and STOP making the excuses to keep on drinking! IF I hadn't come clean and said to myself that I was an alcoholic and addict, this would have given me carte blanche to get pissed everynight without consequence!
So NO more denials Katy - THIS is your1st step - just a quiet one between you and me and the lamppost ;-) You passed out from your brain shutting down - she can't HANDLE all of this - thus you not being able to concentrate on your courses! As I told you before this is TOO much or you right now! How can someone struggling to keep their head above water in a lake, be thrown into the Pacific? That's NOT fair on the rest of your body!
The NHS has NOT let you down, because they DON'T know the TRUTH or whole story - IF they knew everything they would have helped by now! The pill does NOT give you sinistus, you do NOT have a brain tumour or breast cancer! You have depression anxiety! So for you to stop thinking it's the pills poisioning you, you HAVE to get the appropriate help! You will NEVER believe that there is NOTHING physically wrong with you - because it is you overstressed and underwhelmed brain doing this to you! It is BEGGING for you to give it some help! And because you havne't it is sending out EVERY bad signal it can muster to make you LISTEN! You are a VERY bright girl Katy you have studied Psychology and you KNOW that this is right! IT just doesn't happen to OTHER people it can happen to ALL people! And it IS happening to you! IF you feel that it is not happening to you -Tell me what makes you SO special that you can't be the one ovewhelmed? IS it only 1 kind of person that has mental illness or being emotionally overwhelmed? If so could you look in your text book and tell me what specialists say about the 1 type of person who can experience depression, anxiety, being out of control! OR do the books say it can happen to ANYONE - thin, fat, rich, poor, young, old, black, white, working, unemployed, living in a mansion, or living in a 1 roof rat infested flat? OWN it Katie!!! OWN IT!! It is NOT your fault at all! It is ALL the c**p you have gone through since the day you were born, and now you are using each one of those cases as an excuse - it's NOT an excuse it's a reality!
Ok! Dawn- right first thing - god I feel so selfish - we are all so stressed! Ok, firstly, m not for antabuse.....1) Its a drug that I WILL be sick on -yes it may very well condition me to behave-but then I will just pure and simply be depressed-not anxious-I want even have the ability to function. The one year I decided to take it in my stride-I eneded up SO ALONE! Most people ( my freind socially drink) i accpet and know I have a huge problem, but the addiction comes from somewhere-its been my security blanket, the thing that makes me laugh, cry, oh, yes and now, hug lamposts, trees, buildings and even the strangest of strangers . Ive got to say, its not the best pulling strategy-ha ha ha!
I want to be the mum that smells of washing powder, that has a home thats spanking clean, but I dont want to have a superiority-or a I have this , look at me -am I not doing really well. i cant handle how competition has taken over our lives. it truthfully annoys me and it hurts me! But then, I was lawys brought up to think if you graft hard you get a good job-these days its not the case. Look at that Jordan woman -i stopped watching her a long time ago, god she annoys me big boobs and,..anyway, I wasnt talking to you about that, but I cant handle the way I feel anyway, with drink or without it.
What Ive found is that my MSC has become my new love! Ive found it really amazing and thought it would straighten my dream garden path out for me. Its amazing what you findm,, but its bloody annoying when you cant find the information you know is there but cant access it. I dont think im the brightest , I hold back with my thoughts -sometimes, in case they are just so stupid-if I do open my mouth-it will only ever to ask in a kind way-what is going on? We had an amazing lecture with a man that had really bad ocd, but I had so many questions to ask him and really at the end of the day, the root of his ocd was probably due to his anxiety to be noted as clever ( which he was! Sensitive-which he was and genuinely caring) that makes me think- my drinking could be a lot worse.
Ive also so far found that i get head blocks, not that im too stupid, though that happens, but its like I haveno confidence. The other students are ready, theyll even do all nighters to get their work in. I cant do this! I have to start, finish, leave it alone, and then return to it to see my errors!
Anyway, last night I was trying to get out of my doom. I wanted to know if that flat in Glasgow still existed and googled maps. there it was-the same curtains everything..even the corner shop can be seen, ( but the street actually looked nice, not how I remeber it!) Okay, im trying to do things so that when I cry, I am not crying about the download of historical information in my head but for what things are-does that make sense to you?
Anyway, the girls are calming down and I do think becca had a tummy bug, aelx is a little shocked about the loss of her granny, and I think she should be allowed to mourn! Like you say, o one knows what is round the corner, but that makes me even more anxious! I feel like competition has taken over care! caring for human beings! I mean at the beginning of motherhood I wanted the best for my children-not a rented house etc, and I did get materialistic, but that was because I was embarassed. In Edinburgh there are so many ...above the notch people...but then again..I have friends that have done really ell, and Ican ttalk to really successful people without feeling intimidated! Look, I know I have a problem with drink , but I also have a problem with foods, eating , sleeping, thinking too much, worrying to o much, coping! I have been on this site a while and ive been looking at things-im so shocked by the amount of people that have you know what -I cant even get my head round that, let aone other complaints.
When I first got to gether with him, yeah , it felt natural-good sometimes-but I dont know what I was thinking at the time!
On the subject of being a twin, it was first my sister , then my dad and eventually my mum who verified it! But what got to me..ad I know this sounds mental , but I had this memory of pushing someone out, thinking theres not enough room in here-I hope its jst a figment of my imagination and part of my madness-but when mum was ill ( oh 3 years ago now) I think I elt to blame for her illlness, I could feel the preference/sibling rivalry and the despair that she may die. from that, I take things i think of doing to myself now, less seriously-the thoughts are there-but I have my children-but then they arent going to be children forever.
Okay, ive rambled again ( surprise surprise-where is jim it fix it?) Like I say, i remebr seeing my sister she had put on loads of weight for drinking, she stank-and at that time Icouldnt understand it- I couldnt-now im worse than she ever was! Anyways, ive got a headache and dreading this coming week. i think men are weird. How is it football is more important than anything else? What is that?
I want to be the mum that smells of washing powder, that has a home thats spanking clean, but I dont want to have a superiority-or a I have this , look at me -am I not doing really well. i cant handle how competition has taken over our lives. it truthfully annoys me and it hurts me! But then, I was lawys brought up to think if you graft hard you get a good job-these days its not the case. Look at that Jordan woman -i stopped watching her a long time ago, god she annoys me big boobs and,..anyway, I wasnt talking to you about that, but I cant handle the way I feel anyway, with drink or without it.
What Ive found is that my MSC has become my new love! Ive found it really amazing and thought it would straighten my dream garden path out for me. Its amazing what you findm,, but its bloody annoying when you cant find the information you know is there but cant access it. I dont think im the brightest , I hold back with my thoughts -sometimes, in case they are just so stupid-if I do open my mouth-it will only ever to ask in a kind way-what is going on? We had an amazing lecture with a man that had really bad ocd, but I had so many questions to ask him and really at the end of the day, the root of his ocd was probably due to his anxiety to be noted as clever ( which he was! Sensitive-which he was and genuinely caring) that makes me think- my drinking could be a lot worse.
Ive also so far found that i get head blocks, not that im too stupid, though that happens, but its like I haveno confidence. The other students are ready, theyll even do all nighters to get their work in. I cant do this! I have to start, finish, leave it alone, and then return to it to see my errors!
Anyway, last night I was trying to get out of my doom. I wanted to know if that flat in Glasgow still existed and googled maps. there it was-the same curtains everything..even the corner shop can be seen, ( but the street actually looked nice, not how I remeber it!) Okay, im trying to do things so that when I cry, I am not crying about the download of historical information in my head but for what things are-does that make sense to you?
Anyway, the girls are calming down and I do think becca had a tummy bug, aelx is a little shocked about the loss of her granny, and I think she should be allowed to mourn! Like you say, o one knows what is round the corner, but that makes me even more anxious! I feel like competition has taken over care! caring for human beings! I mean at the beginning of motherhood I wanted the best for my children-not a rented house etc, and I did get materialistic, but that was because I was embarassed. In Edinburgh there are so many ...above the notch people...but then again..I have friends that have done really ell, and Ican ttalk to really successful people without feeling intimidated! Look, I know I have a problem with drink , but I also have a problem with foods, eating , sleeping, thinking too much, worrying to o much, coping! I have been on this site a while and ive been looking at things-im so shocked by the amount of people that have you know what -I cant even get my head round that, let aone other complaints.
When I first got to gether with him, yeah , it felt natural-good sometimes-but I dont know what I was thinking at the time!
On the subject of being a twin, it was first my sister , then my dad and eventually my mum who verified it! But what got to me..ad I know this sounds mental , but I had this memory of pushing someone out, thinking theres not enough room in here-I hope its jst a figment of my imagination and part of my madness-but when mum was ill ( oh 3 years ago now) I think I elt to blame for her illlness, I could feel the preference/sibling rivalry and the despair that she may die. from that, I take things i think of doing to myself now, less seriously-the thoughts are there-but I have my children-but then they arent going to be children forever.
Okay, ive rambled again ( surprise surprise-where is jim it fix it?) Like I say, i remebr seeing my sister she had put on loads of weight for drinking, she stank-and at that time Icouldnt understand it- I couldnt-now im worse than she ever was! Anyways, ive got a headache and dreading this coming week. i think men are weird. How is it football is more important than anything else? What is that?
Hi Dawn-still stuck with my work! Ok today. hes not, but then who would be after those last few weeks.
Im starting to think-"its all me" again. I know you say its not my fault, but the truth of that matter , in my eyes is very different! You ask if I ever stood up to my mum-the one time I did that, I had my bags packed and hyperventilating in the street ( to go to my dads). Mum always thought I was stupid and made it clear...though that changed when I managed to domy highers etc-its a shame that that is what it took for her to think otherwise. I have acomplex about people thinking im stupid so it does slow you down , you well I question everything I do before doing it-then talk myself out of doing anything because it will be wrong!
hes realy sad, but hes managed to be really good with the children which I think is admirable. I mean, when my mum was ill I could barely comunicate with people.
Anyway, instead of listing the positives and negatives about drinking(Which I was told to do), Ive made a list, RESPONSIBILITIES, and HEALTH!. I do think its alot to do with me( my realtionship pproblems. i do think that im scared to stop drinking because im scared of who I am -that ill have no enjoyment ( thoughI know thats nnot technicallly true) I think everything, makes me realise that its dangerous, stupid and its not fun anymore-whether or not people can go out social drinknig to relieve whatever-I cant! I jusr need to get it through my stupid skull and learnt to brave out my thoughts and tell people what I think.. right there and then in stead of walking away and thinkking ( what so you mean?)
Im stuck here.
Im starting to think-"its all me" again. I know you say its not my fault, but the truth of that matter , in my eyes is very different! You ask if I ever stood up to my mum-the one time I did that, I had my bags packed and hyperventilating in the street ( to go to my dads). Mum always thought I was stupid and made it clear...though that changed when I managed to domy highers etc-its a shame that that is what it took for her to think otherwise. I have acomplex about people thinking im stupid so it does slow you down , you well I question everything I do before doing it-then talk myself out of doing anything because it will be wrong!
hes realy sad, but hes managed to be really good with the children which I think is admirable. I mean, when my mum was ill I could barely comunicate with people.
Anyway, instead of listing the positives and negatives about drinking(Which I was told to do), Ive made a list, RESPONSIBILITIES, and HEALTH!. I do think its alot to do with me( my realtionship pproblems. i do think that im scared to stop drinking because im scared of who I am -that ill have no enjoyment ( thoughI know thats nnot technicallly true) I think everything, makes me realise that its dangerous, stupid and its not fun anymore-whether or not people can go out social drinknig to relieve whatever-I cant! I jusr need to get it through my stupid skull and learnt to brave out my thoughts and tell people what I think.. right there and then in stead of walking away and thinkking ( what so you mean?)
Im stuck here.
Sorry dawn-it is me again! I dont understand WHY I feel bad! I mean I loathed him 10 minutes ago! ( If you know what i mean). Hm im , better, but im dreading wednesday-i have this horrible taste of sickness that I cant get rid of. Im going to do some work-or at least try, but im finding its like ive not found whatever it is I want to do. I cant focus.
Alex and Becca are better too. Almost back to normal. They are a little sensitive though, so the shock for them is still there.
Im worried that when the funeral is over, theyll alll colapse with exhaustion. id say the last month has been pretty intense especially for him. I do care, I still do care about him ( which I find worrying because I dont want to fal under his hands again, or in bed with him to feel the pain alll over again. Im too scared to EVER GET close to anyone like that again. even my relationship with my mum isnt right so I dont know. You are right though, for some reason I cant move from here-even though im scared most the time and unhappy the next.I keep thinking its a lazy thing, but its a more a "I cant do it" thing!Anyway, so easily distracted.
My sister hurt me last night by saying "i cant see how it has anything to do with you" i was 8-| umph -yeah I know, but wanted her to shut up. The theres a really eveil side to me..Im not even going to write that here,,, and I think he thinks his mother is watching him. i think this because he rapidily cleaned the ktichen yesterday-what was that???????????Anyway, ill leave you in peace, i better go do some work. Take care, and look forward to hearing from you. Do you think im a b***h for even coming here and talking to you at a time like this?
Alex and Becca are better too. Almost back to normal. They are a little sensitive though, so the shock for them is still there.
Im worried that when the funeral is over, theyll alll colapse with exhaustion. id say the last month has been pretty intense especially for him. I do care, I still do care about him ( which I find worrying because I dont want to fal under his hands again, or in bed with him to feel the pain alll over again. Im too scared to EVER GET close to anyone like that again. even my relationship with my mum isnt right so I dont know. You are right though, for some reason I cant move from here-even though im scared most the time and unhappy the next.I keep thinking its a lazy thing, but its a more a "I cant do it" thing!Anyway, so easily distracted.
My sister hurt me last night by saying "i cant see how it has anything to do with you" i was 8-| umph -yeah I know, but wanted her to shut up. The theres a really eveil side to me..Im not even going to write that here,,, and I think he thinks his mother is watching him. i think this because he rapidily cleaned the ktichen yesterday-what was that???????????Anyway, ill leave you in peace, i better go do some work. Take care, and look forward to hearing from you. Do you think im a b***h for even coming here and talking to you at a time like this?
Im an id**t! Not only for eing a pishead but for choosing to write a 5000 word synopsis on Person centred therapy. Its a nightmare! Im so stressed by that alone! the girls are away to a friends-im thinknig if I dont let a single drop passs my lips then il have it finished for the deadline.
I dont know if you do this. This morning I got up-I started to think Omg , this time next year Ill be finished -BUT ILL BE 35 and still probably NO career, impoverished, debt ridden and struggling and will I be here, wil I not be here, who will be here? 35 is old for not having a career isnt it! Its old anyway-god that makes me miserable.
Anyway, better go-so much to do and I feel like my eyes are popping out my head! Sorry again!
I dont know if you do this. This morning I got up-I started to think Omg , this time next year Ill be finished -BUT ILL BE 35 and still probably NO career, impoverished, debt ridden and struggling and will I be here, wil I not be here, who will be here? 35 is old for not having a career isnt it! Its old anyway-god that makes me miserable.
Anyway, better go-so much to do and I feel like my eyes are popping out my head! Sorry again!
I was just thinking-now call me a retard I dont care. i was just tinking my problem is eing surrounded by young people, people that dont have children etc, so maybe I just need to look in the mirror and thin look im 30 something with 2 lovely children and all I need to do is take responsibility. I just need to grow up! Thats that!
Hi Bambi 27!
Im really worried now. I left my children at school and I have been feeling relly dizzy lately-but this was weird! I couldnt put my ipod on ( which I use normally )as a distraction for fear that I would fall. Okay. so i didnt and thought maybe its that thats causig the dizzieness-anyway, my chest tightened and I felt wobbiy and I could hardly pick my feet of the ground -anywaym, there I was getting uptight and angry withmyself, so I chanted to myself -"dont let it get to you" ...and then followed by thoughts of what made me feel safe, how do I get out and about and feel safe. the only thought of was holding my childrnes hands.. So i walked for a bit pretending to hold onto my children. Eventually i made it to work - managed not to hyperventilate, but big twangs in chest and okay! If Im like this going to work, what im i going to be like on wednesday. OmG please let me hold it together-im not great at these things at the best of times. I need a chant!
also got in touch with Uni and theyve given me a one week extension -so thanks to my doctor because with all thsi worry and nausea floating around there would have only been one night to type up a 6ooo word document ( which would have been no fun ) though Im still trying to catch up.
Alex got realy upset about granny last night , and then today becca started to ask questions-its so sad. 4 weeks ago it wasnt a thought everyone was healthy -or so they seemed. I find this really scary, I guess thats why we have to enjoy every minute. Definately got earache too!
Im really worried now. I left my children at school and I have been feeling relly dizzy lately-but this was weird! I couldnt put my ipod on ( which I use normally )as a distraction for fear that I would fall. Okay. so i didnt and thought maybe its that thats causig the dizzieness-anyway, my chest tightened and I felt wobbiy and I could hardly pick my feet of the ground -anywaym, there I was getting uptight and angry withmyself, so I chanted to myself -"dont let it get to you" ...and then followed by thoughts of what made me feel safe, how do I get out and about and feel safe. the only thought of was holding my childrnes hands.. So i walked for a bit pretending to hold onto my children. Eventually i made it to work - managed not to hyperventilate, but big twangs in chest and okay! If Im like this going to work, what im i going to be like on wednesday. OmG please let me hold it together-im not great at these things at the best of times. I need a chant!
also got in touch with Uni and theyve given me a one week extension -so thanks to my doctor because with all thsi worry and nausea floating around there would have only been one night to type up a 6ooo word document ( which would have been no fun ) though Im still trying to catch up.
Alex got realy upset about granny last night , and then today becca started to ask questions-its so sad. 4 weeks ago it wasnt a thought everyone was healthy -or so they seemed. I find this really scary, I guess thats why we have to enjoy every minute. Definately got earache too!
Owe and I forgot to mention chronic heartburn.....Ive really bad heartbrun and have had sinec the bad news. Whats that about. Finally, Ive got my head around one point that I was stuck on in my essay-god , those books are full of fascinating big words that are really difficult to spell, but once you get your head round them the point is really quite simple. Im so tired of having to tweek at things to make them easier for me to understand.
any remedies for heartburn...ive not had it this bad since I was expecting!
any remedies for heartburn...ive not had it this bad since I was expecting!
Are the girls going to the funeral? I have NEVER agreed with children going to funerals - mine didn't when my mom died! They have a REAL fear of death - as I ddid/do! So I didn't think it was a good idea to put them through more! What does your partner feel about it?
You DONT have to fall into bed with him BUT you CAN be open with him and say you don't want to fight! You want to be abl to communicate with him - and visa versa! It has been SO toxic, what a fantastic time - while he his hurting and reaching out - to REALLY talk to him and come to some sort of agreement and understanding and working together!
You are NOT a retard, you just BELIEVE you are! BIG difference - you need to get it straight in your mind and like I've been telling you - to get more medical help!
You DONT have to fall into bed with him BUT you CAN be open with him and say you don't want to fight! You want to be abl to communicate with him - and visa versa! It has been SO toxic, what a fantastic time - while he his hurting and reaching out - to REALLY talk to him and come to some sort of agreement and understanding and working together!
You are NOT a retard, you just BELIEVE you are! BIG difference - you need to get it straight in your mind and like I've been telling you - to get more medical help!
Oh well-falling into bed with him just isnt on the agenda! Thats the last place im going thanks! That thing you say "really talk to him". I cant really talk to him -not truthfully. I think hes got it in his head that this is how it is-and Im never going to be grown up to do anything about it-but wrong, I am. The thing is Bambi, I care for him -yes-I still care and wouldnt wish what he has just been through on my very own worst enemy-but why should I forgive and forget? Even if this is him changing , or part of his grieving process I was thinking about it today, ask any sane person if they would live with their dads best friend who attacked them, anyone-would they? and would they be able to forgive? and yes, maybe , maybe it is just how i see it, by why has it taken all this for him to even be slightly communicative. and why would he just let me rot for so long without wanting to comfort me-if he thought there was anyway of making amends. maybe he went through the last 40 years thinking people are indestuctible-maybe? Right now we are more like bad friends! But I still ask him if hes okay and so on, and sometimes he asks me if I go quiet and offf on one he does ask " what are you thinking about?" I dont know what to make of any of it anymore.
Anyway, theres no wake tomorrow, just a humanistic cremation. Alex is 10 years old, Ive asked her over and over if she wants to go. Richard has said this too-let her make her own mind up" but im thinking shes 10, so young! Becca doesnt want to go and thats fine , my mum is going to look after her.
Also, so many people have been sending cards etc, but he want put them up, my mum also did this thing like shes grieving for him and fussed over him like hes a baby and stated "I needed to support my man" really annoyed me, as I am doing as much as I can for the time being! But why she never flippin well thinks about the rest Ill never know and also men always seem to take priority in her head! Anyway, Yes Alex is incredibly young and im expecting to break when I see her heartbreak as I did last week, but trying to remain strong for everyone. I dont think i have a deodarant strong enough!!!!! Also, even if I couldd talk to him , this stage will be a blur for him, he want remeber anything about these last few days until later. I certainly never rember the week inbetween my lost relatives! Grr! Milkshake is helping the heartburn! Take care of you dawn!
Anyway, theres no wake tomorrow, just a humanistic cremation. Alex is 10 years old, Ive asked her over and over if she wants to go. Richard has said this too-let her make her own mind up" but im thinking shes 10, so young! Becca doesnt want to go and thats fine , my mum is going to look after her.
Also, so many people have been sending cards etc, but he want put them up, my mum also did this thing like shes grieving for him and fussed over him like hes a baby and stated "I needed to support my man" really annoyed me, as I am doing as much as I can for the time being! But why she never flippin well thinks about the rest Ill never know and also men always seem to take priority in her head! Anyway, Yes Alex is incredibly young and im expecting to break when I see her heartbreak as I did last week, but trying to remain strong for everyone. I dont think i have a deodarant strong enough!!!!! Also, even if I couldd talk to him , this stage will be a blur for him, he want remeber anything about these last few days until later. I certainly never rember the week inbetween my lost relatives! Grr! Milkshake is helping the heartburn! Take care of you dawn!