I want a baby, but my husband "isnt ready"

My husband and I are both 27 but he will be 28 next month.  We have been living together for 9 years and married for 3.5.  I've been wanting to have a baby for a couple of years now but he hasn't been ready.  Last year we had agreed to start trying to conceive when we went on our fall vacation.  We go to Disney twice a year, once in the fall and once in the spring so he went as far as to tell his parents that we were planning on my being pregnant for our spring trip.  Thinking it would be the last vacation for a while, his parents decided to go with us.  Well the day before I was going to stop taking the pill, he told me he changed his mind.  That we should sell our boat (monthly payment is 1/2 of monthly daycare cost) before we have a baby.  The boat had been an issue for a while but I don't see the boat selling anytime soon and I don't want to put my life on hold for it.  I was upset but I didn't want to push him into something he wasn't ready for.  He said we would try in the spring.  Well Spring came and went and not a word.  I didn't want to push but at this point I was extremely upset.  I have tried to just put it out of my mind but last week his 21 year old sister who has been married for less than a year and is financially unstable told me she was pregnant.  My heart instantly broke but I didn't want to be insensitive to her.  As soon as I hung up the phone I broke down and cried. My husband's mother is so anxious to be a grandma so I had all these visions of how we would tell her and I would be giving her the first grandchild.  That is all gone now.  I don't feel like my husband understands how I feel and why I am so upset.  People always ask when I am going to have a baby and I am dreading when the news comes out about his sister.  I am happy for her but I am so sad for me.  I understand that guys don't have the same feelings about having children as women but I feel like he just blows off my feelings because women are "over sensitive".  I just wish I could make him understand how I feel and how it breaks my heart to see so many people around me with a family or pregnant.  I would understand if we had unstable jobs or didn't have much money but there are definitely things we could cut.  People do it on less all the time, why can't we?  He told me the reason he backed out the last time was because he was scared.  He is always going to be scared.  I am scared.  I am the one who will be carrying the baby for 9 months, and will have to change what I eat and what I do.  The baby will be dependant on me while a newborn.  I know I can't force him to be ready but I wish I knew how to make myself feel less heartbroken and sad until the time does come.  Let's just hope he gets ready sooner rather than later...

I want to warn all the ladies on here, most of you are not alone. And there is an approach that you should try as far as speaking with your husband.
I got married young at 22, my hubby was 30. We both very much to have children. We thought after the first year or two we would start trying. However, if it happened before that it would be ok. Well, 2 yrs came and went and nothing happened. So, sort of got a little worried, but not too much. I finally started trying by all means! It still didn't happen. Went to the doctor and found to have pcos. But, it doesn't end there. Few months after diagnosis, I fall pregnant with my son who's 5 now.
Instead of waiting I waited until he was around 1 1/2 to start trying casually. I knew it might take time, so we relaxed and casually tried the next two years.. Nothing happened, again. So with a little guidance I seemed fertility advice..., turned out my husband developed infertility!!! And if we had possibly tried a little sooner, we may have had another miracle! Kicker is, doctor has been not only warning females, but males about the huge increase infertility. We both were army brats living at air force. There are more and more problems linked to environment, water, ect..linking considerable amount of male infertility. My husband was always very responsibly healthy!!! Truth is men are out weighing females in fertility clinics now. It's just not spoken about!! Most men don't know anything is wrong bc they function normal, look normal, and are perfectly developed...soooo, if u want to suggest to your husbands that just because they are not ready, does not mean both of u physically will!!! It is a lot easier to feel fear or stress of a child!! And YOU ALWAYS WILL!!! Then to be stricken from one! We all have maternal desire bc it's in our nature..(hence biological clock). Men have a feeling of being provider!! But, they have to know they will always feel that way, even after children. My husband always feared finances and responsibility, but when it came down to it PATERNAL INSTINCT kicks in(if he is fond of children from start).
So ask him, if children never come, would he be okay?? And see what he says. Ask him if for some reason one of you could not have one, or troubled and didn't have them sooner, would it then be a worse strain on your relationship after all the wasted years....I THINK RESENTMENT OR FEELINGS OF SELFISHNESS WITH GUILT would set in. Ask them what would be that much different? Children would change the way they feel, and they would love them and desire them more after having one!
I don't want to damper anyone, but maybe help put insight into their loved one!! Guys take a little longer to be ready, but if you have a strong bond of marriage, and teamwork, your husband and you will be suprised how close you get with a child or even when you try to make one.
I wish all of u the best of luck, god bless.
Hope u are filled with many wonderful children that light up BOTH your lives!

I know that you posted this over a year ago. So, who knows wheather you chekc it anymore or not. But, I am happy to know that I am not alone... I can't get the baby stuff off my mind... And, my husband too waants to wait three more years...and, I do not think that I can. Its a horrible empty feeling. And, I am happy with our marriage and my Husband is amazing to me. He;s just ont ready to have a baby. It just kills me.

My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years, but have been together for almost 5. I really want to have a baby and I know my clock is ticking. He, however, does not. He says that we don't have the money..the room...blah blah blah. I see these as decent points. I'm more of a "we'll figure it out" kind of person. I think he isn't ready because he is 25. I am turning 30 in about 3weeks. I am scared about the fact that it becomes harder for me in a few more years. Plus I have a bunch of health family problems. So, I'm beyond scared. All he says is " I know." and thats it. What shpould I do?

another update:

I've been so scared to look at this feed since i posted my last post, I was so afraid people would be angry at me for getting what they want so badly. I'm glad i had a positive response, it really means a lot to me.

 

So my pregnancy is progressing normally, baby's a good size, wiggly, and kicking like mad. sometimes its shocking how hard he can kick, its like getting an electric shock. The ultrasound technician told me he thinks its a boy. my partner was so upset, he wanted a daughter really badly. he's still hoping that the technician was wrong and it turns out to be a girl when it's born, but i think he's getting used to the idea of having a son.

He wasnt happy when he found out i was pregnant, but as time goes on, he's more and more excited about the prospect of a baby. he's suggested ideas for the nursery, and has cleared it out and put the baby stuff in - i didnt ask him to, he just did it. He has started saying things like 'where do you want to put the bassinette in our room?' 'we have to get the car seat fitted properly, where do we go to get it done?' 'i cant believe mum doesnt want to know the sex, im gonna tell her anyway' and 'we HAVE to go buy an aeroplane spoon, we definitely need one'. he's a bit frustrated because he cant feel the baby yet, and he doesnt care when i go out and buy a swag of baby things (AMAZING). He doesnt want to read any baby books, but i've asked him to read at least a bit on birth and the first weeks, so he doesnt freak out. but i cant believe that he'd willingly start setting up the nursery when he took a full four days to change the sheets last time i asked him. i guess actions do speak louder than words.

im realising that while all the years of feeling like i was missing something and feeling so angry at my partner really sucked at the time, when you do get pregnant, time flies by so fast that it's scary. it feels like only last week that i found out, and now i'm over half way. i still cant imagine myself as a mummy, and i'm already suffering insomnia and the sleep deprivation is awful. I cant reach my feet properly, so putting on my shoes is a job and a half these days, and trying to find a maternity bra to fit me is utterly ridiculous (seriously, try finding an I cup anywhere. i know they exist, but where, i have no idea).

 

but overall, things have turned out much better than i thought they would. the support my partner gives me now is amazing. he never wanted to have kids and now he cant wait to met his baby. he went from being terrified about being a dad to bringing it up with his friends and family just so he can tell them about our ultrasound photos. he's got dibs on giving our baby his first solids, night-time bottles (i plan to express), and the tour of the house when we come home. i never thought he would change so much in such a short time- i think he realises that a baby isnt just something for me, like those new towels i just had to have. its something for us both, and its more than that. it's a reflection of our mutual love and the evolution of our relationship to the next level. i dont think he would have ever realised that if we never got pregnant. thats a terribe catch 22.

 

 

ok, now i'm going out to plant some flowers. its spring and my garden looks a bit empty of colour. haha, that is, if i can get low enough to the ground without falling over. once that happens i cant get up without help :/ my body really doesnt work like it used to.

I now have a new baby girl, not the one I wanted but she's adorable. She's also one of the four-legged variety.

Not all that long ago my partner had told me he didn't want kids. Turns out that he only said it to end the conversation, he didn't mean it.

Very recently I ended up in the hospital for a week. I have to see 3 different specialists because there is something going wrong within my body and no one knows what it is. The doctor advised me to not get pregnant until we figure out what is happening to me, so I had to have a very hard conversation with my partner. In the end he surprised me with a puppy for my birthday.

As much as I want to have a child with my partner, we may never get the chance now. He hasn't been ready to be a father yet, we've been together almost 5 years, and now with my health issues I don't know if I'll even be able to get pregnant if and when he is ready. So for now my new puppy is my baby girl.

While I've heard men don't become fathers until they see their child, I only think this is partially true.

 

My husband and I are both 24, together for 8 years, married for 3. We had "the talk" today. I don't know if I'm overthinking it or what. I'm a very emotional person and he's the more logical one. Hubs is in the Air Force, trying to go reserve. I feel like he's making excuses, but I know he wants me to be happy. He's saying that we aren't financially ready (Who really is?!), that he wants to be closer to "support" (we live 2,000 miles away from both families), that when I'm done with nursing school in May and have a job, who is going to help us with daycare and picking the kid up if we both are working 12 hour days. Here and there in the conversation he would say, "I don't know, maybe I'm scared." All I know is, I have this strong desire to become a mother. I've had problems in the past with my lady parts and I really don't even know if I can get pregnant. My parents were 36 when they had me. I don't want to be one of those moms, don't get my wrong, my parents were awesome. But I'm ready.

 

Am I out of line? Overthinking things?

Thank God I found this thread, I thought I was alone.  I'm 28, husband is 23, we've been together for 3.5 years, married for 1.5.  When I was younger, I didn't want children, didn't really want them until I met my husband.  I never thought I would be experiencing what I am experiencing right now.  During our dating time we talked about children extensively- both of us were on the same page, kids right away.  When we did our premarital counseling, it was the same thing- kids now!  Since we've been married however, we've talked about children, but he wants to be "financially stable".  My response is always, "if you wait until everything is perfect, you will be waiting for the rest of your life".  We own a home, 2 vehicles, he's in health care and I work in mental health.  Both of us have great paying careers and health insurance.  I can take up to 6 months off from work (full pay) for maternity leave.  Recently I visited my OBGYN to ask about infertility.  My husband and I had been having unprotected sex since our wedding, and I've never once been pregnant.  OBGYN is sending me for testing and lab work, he also wants a sperm sample from hubby.  Hubby agreed to give the sample, kicking and screaming, but he agreed.

Some times I want a baby so badly that I can't breath. Over the weekend, I helped my nephew and his girl friend deliver their first child.  He's 21 and she is 20.  Neither of them have a job and rely soley on her inheiritance and government assistance.  In June of this year, my oldest brother (42) and his new girl friend had their first child.  This past summer, I went to 11 baby showers, and hosted/threw 5 of them.  Every single woman I know is a mother, except me.

My parents both recently celebrated their 62 birthdays, I don't want them to miss out on my kids.  I never got those memories of going to grandparents houses after school or staying the weekend at grandmas. Or anything like that, my grandparents were dead and gone by the time my brother and I came around.  I don't want that to happen to my children.  I want those memories for them.

I love my husband dearly.  But, at what point do you stop waiting for him to get with the program?  We argued about this again last night, and he said that he hasn't been initiating any kind of touch/affection recently because he doesn't want it to lead to sex.. Because then I might actually get pregnant. I feel trapped and alone.  I counsel others for a living and yet, I am struggling so desperately to make sense of this whole thing.

Bridget Briggs wrote:

Poke holes in.the condoms

@Bridget Briggs : Please don't procreate; the life you bring to this world will be a life of torment and despair - no human being deserves that.

 

P.S. The woman who quoted Thomas Jefferson in scaring off the misandrist who was flooding this thread with horrible advice a few pages ago : You'll make a great mother.

OMG, I'm glad I'm not alone on this. But I'm starting to feel worst since most of you are way younger than me. I'm 32 and my husband 41. We have been married for 3 1/2 years but together for 10+ years. I've been wanting kids for a few years, but my husband excuse has been that we're not really financially and also because he still wants to travel and enjoy life beforekids, but what he doesn't understand is that we aren 't getting any younger and even thou he feels young we won't have the energy later to raise kids. I'm very tired of always being the one trying to talk about this that I havebecomBeverly resentful. I don't know what to go anymore. Any advices? Thanks 

I am right there with you. I have also become very resentful of my husband. I'm 33, he's 34, and we just got married 6 months ago. At first he wanted to wait a while to have kids,then last year my dad had heart problems and wound up having to have open heart surgery. That really scared me and made me think twice about waiting to have a baby. One - I'm 33, granted that's not super old, but as far as fertility goes it's old enough to not keep pushing things off. Second, my parents are 10 years older than his. He just assumes everyone is going to be around forever, and while I wish that were true it's not. I want my parents to be able to know their grandchildren, and he even agreed with me on that. So we decided to try end of this month, now he's saying he needs more time and wants to just have a very nonchalant attitude about it - meaning he doesn't even want me to check when I'm ovulating to see when we even have a chance! This happened last night and I told him I felt so empty inside. I want a baby and want to start a family but he keeps saying he's not ready - but he has no specific reason why he's not ready. I feel he's just being selfish and immature. We're at the point in our lives where we should be moving forward with our lives, not waiting around for nothing. I resent him so much right now. If he was so indecisive about kids, he should have told me before we got married. Before our wedding he was all about kids, not that it actually comes to time to start trying he's "scared'. I don't even know what to do. I HATE how I feel and I don't want to pressure him to have kids b/c I know that's not right. I almost feel that if it's become this big of an ordeal to have kids with him, then maybe we just shouldn't. And that would ruin my dreams and I could never EVER forgive him for being so selfish.

Glad to see its normal to feel this way. My husband and I got married about four months ago through the catholic church. Before we got married about a year before i was pregnant but lost it at 6 weeks (he didnt want the baby because he said we were not ready so after the loss of the baby he would tell me it wasnt a big deal) Ever since i know that he doesnt want any children with me cause he shows no interest. He was married before and had a baby that had medical problems and passed away when she was about 5 months. They got a divorce and after that they ended up having another baby. She is now 2 years old, she is so adorable and looks just like him. And sometimes i feel sad that he has had children with someone else yet he never talks about having any with me. I have tried talking to him and now it seems as if the only reason i was to get pregnant its cause i want children and to make me happy i guess not because he wants any though. so i really dont know what to do he says "we can try in 3 months then the three months comes along and then he says 2 every time it just changes so i recently have not asked him or talked to him about it cause i feel hurt that he just makes me believe that we will have children soon. i have an iud put in and he knows that i am obviously not going to get pregnant for at least 4 more years (which he knows it has changed me as in my attidude and and personality ever since i got it) so i really dont want it anymore not only so i can have children but also for my health being, but i feel that he will think i am only removing it so i get pregnant and i do not want it to happen like that. What can i do so i dont pressure him and so i dont feel jealous/ sad that he doesnt want children with me?. HELP!

Men are planners, they need to feel they are in control. If you take that away from him you may regret it later. Why dont you set up a saving account for the baby? Once you start working as a nurse you can get on a strict budget save %20 of your income. after you save a for 1 year of daycare or for a full-time nanny. show you husband he will be surprised and see you not only want a baby but are mature enough to know that it takes more than love to raise a baby. Plus after a year of working you will qualify for FLMA so can stay at home with you baby for 3 months. PLease do not have a bay before you qualify for vacation days and FLMA you will be Miserable if you have to leave your new baby at a daycare at 6 weeks old.

So glad I found this!

I am 21, my husband and I have been together 3 1/2 years.  I want to start trying to have children now, but he wants to wait until we're financially ready.  God, it pisses me off.  I mean, when will we be "financially ready"?  It's always one thing after another, right now it is Credit Card debt, next is School Loans, then we want to get a house.  So my question is when is anyone really "financially ready" (unless you're loaded).

Idk, I bring it up a lot and I know it annoys him, but I just want to be a mother, to have OUR child.

It's frustrating and I get sad every time we talk about it cause he always turns me down...

It has crossed my mind to stop my BC, but I couldn't do that because that is not right nor honest.  Still think about it though >:)

 

It also doesn't help that I know a LOT of women (some girls) with children, and I know my husband and I are better off financially than they are...

Hi all,I'm 19 years old(very young I knw) and my 'husband',reason why I say that's is we are married before God,not before a audience and signing of papers,before God is the main binding of marriage we think.anyway,I'm finishing college this year,and ever since I can remember iv wanted a baby.his 22 by the way and loves kids,but as all men says "we are not ready jenna,you are young,we don't have the money" etc. So many girls my age and younger without jobs or commited relationships have babies and yet they make it work.my 'husband' is in his 2nd year at college,he fell a year behind me.he doesn't have a weekend job..this worrys me tho.my broodyness is causing tension in our relationship because he thinks I'm not thinking things thru.I knw if I were to falll preganant that I'd jack up my act and get a job,etc and start providing,I'm hoping this would happen with him if we were to have a baby.his my soulmate and each day I look at him I just get this urge of wanting to have his child!I knw I'm verrry young and don't even have a stable job,but as all situations,its human nature to do what u must when u have to.my heart goes out to u married woman,but I feel the only way a woman will finally get what she wants,the only precious thing close to a womans heart,to have a baby,is stand up to ur man,make it known this is ur hearts desire and tell him when u want ur baby!men will never be ready-so make them!