Is it normal my husband masturbates too much ? Newlewed

Ruling out any health problems, besides the low T, which you said there is a problem with, it still goes back to expectation. You expect that you have more intimacy, he does not expect the same. So you both have different needs and wants regarding sex. Just like money, child rearing, any other aspect of life, when your expectations are different, there is going to be problems. Unfortunately, I have no solution for you. Changing someone to meet your needs and expectations are unrealistic.

Changing your own expectations is much easier. Keep in mind if he is not interested in sex, he is probably posting on another forum that his wife is crazy about sex, wants it all the time, and he can never satisfy her. It seems he has attempted to try and meet your needs, as you say "we will do it get yours and were done sorry no romance lets just do it." However, this is not what you want, and caused you more disappointment.

By changing your expectations, I am not suggesting that you should "deal with it" or "settle". However, keep in mind that it is your own expectations that cause your disappointments. This is true in any aspect of your life. You expect a raise at work, or you expect your child to do their chores, expect that the car will run without problems. When these things do not happen as you thought they would, you are going to be disappointed. By having these expectations it seems that we are always setting ourselves up for disappointment.

I'm not saying you should not have any expectations. But the expectations you do have should be agreeable and mutual between your partner. When you have different expectations, those should be examined carefully, as both parties are going to be disappointed.

Him masturbating, in the end, has nothing to do with his sexual desire, or lack of sexual desire for you. He has not replaced intimacy with you with masturbation. You were quite adamant that he is not homosexual, which is great. Not that he is or is not, but often times I hear, my partner does not want to have sex with me, that must mean he is homosexual. Not likely.

Your marriage sounds like it is doing well. Lots of fun, play, communication, and things are well. The only shortfall you mention is the different levels of sexual desires, and expectation of what it should be by the both of you.

Ultimately, the solution you come to has to come between you and your husband. What can he do to compromise. What can you do to compromise, and work towards the common goal of helping each other attain the personal happiness you both desire and deserve.

I thank you and agree with you. I have already given up what I want to at least twice a week please which he still will not do. I am patient and say okay so when we do have sex I would like forplay please be togather intamacy, nope none of that, so I feel I am giving up and making all the changes yes it is very disappointing. I feel like he is dead inside to me except his own penis. He is very much alive and plays with it a long time like he is making love with it and not me. What is up with that? No I am not wanting it every day or everyother day but hey I don't think twice a week is to much to ask. Now if he is with low t I have tried everything use this try that natural, chemical, spirtual he is like dont touch me. I will come to him wanting to play and he just gently pushed me away or starts up a conversations and moves away from me knowing I will be really mad by him pushing me away. I want to open him up but he refuses to do so. I am not pushy or angery at him I am trying. He wants to be loved and have someone in his life he just doesn't want the responsbility of having sex I just dont understand that. Please help to understand

sillygal wrote:

Doc wrote:

Ruling out any health problems, besides the low T, which you said there is a problem with, it still goes back to expectation. You expect that you have more intimacy, he does not expect the same. So you both have different needs and wants regarding sex. Just like money, child rearing, any other aspect of life, when your expectations are different, there is going to be problems. Unfortunately, I have no solution for you. Changing someone to meet your needs and expectations are unrealistic.

Changing your own expectations is much easier. Keep in mind if he is not interested in sex, he is probably posting on another forum that his wife is crazy about sex, wants it all the time, and he can never satisfy her. It seems he has attempted to try and meet your needs, as you say "we will do it get yours and were done sorry no romance lets just do it." However, this is not what you want, and caused you more disappointment.

By changing your expectations, I am not suggesting that you should "deal with it" or "settle". However, keep in mind that it is your own expectations that cause your disappointments. This is true in any aspect of your life. You expect a raise at work, or you expect your child to do their chores, expect that the car will run without problems. When these things do not happen as you thought they would, you are going to be disappointed. By having these expectations it seems that we are always setting ourselves up for disappointment.

I'm not saying you should not have any expectations. But the expectations you do have should be agreeable and mutual between your partner. When you have different expectations, those should be examined carefully, as both parties are going to be disappointed.

Him masturbating, in the end, has nothing to do with his sexual desire, or lack of sexual desire for you. He has not replaced intimacy with you with masturbation. You were quite adamant that he is not homosexual, which is great. Not that he is or is not, but often times I hear, my partner does not want to have sex with me, that must mean he is homosexual. Not likely.

Your marriage sounds like it is doing well. Lots of fun, play, communication, and things are well. The only shortfall you mention is the different levels of sexual desires, and expectation of what it should be by the both of you.

Ultimately, the solution you come to has to come between you and your husband. What can he do to compromise. What can you do to compromise, and work towards the common goal of helping each other attain the personal happiness you both desire and deserve.

I thank you and agree with you. I have already given up what I want to at least twice a week please which he still will not do. I am patient and say okay so when we do have sex I would like forplay please be togather intamacy, nope none of that, so I feel I am giving up and making all the changes yes it is very disappointing. I feel like he is dead inside to me except his own penis. He is very much alive and plays with it a long time like he is making love with it and not me. What is up with that? No I am not wanting it every day or everyother day but hey I don't think twice a week is to much to ask. Now if he is with low t I have tried everything use this try that natural, chemical, spirtual he is like dont touch me. I will come to him wanting to play and he just gently pushed me away or starts up a conversations and moves away from me knowing I will be really mad by him pushing me away. I want to open him up but he refuses to do so. I am not pushy or angery at him I am trying. He wants to be loved and have someone in his life he just doesn't want the responsbility of having sex I just dont understand that. Please help to understand

I hope someone reads this. I am such a hypocrite. I am an attractive girl, with a high sex drive, who masturbates regurarly with or without porn. But i found out the other day my partner does the same. Now i know im wrong for feeling hurt, but i do. Im looking for help getting over it because i know he isnt doing anything wrong, i do it, but knowing he does makes me feel really down and un sexy. Please help xx

I masturbate. I watch porn . . . but since finding out my partner does the same i am devastated. I know im a hypocrite and I honestly dont want to feel this way. I want to be ok with this i just dont know how xx

Girlygirl28,

I am not sure how to help you, but I am wondering how old are you? The reason I ask it seems that the younger you are and less experienced in life the more insecure you are. I can only go on how it was for me. I think that if your young first you need to know that the way you are feeling about your partner is that how you would like for your partner to feel about you finding out? I am sure not I feel talking is the best step lay all the cards out on the table let your partner know how you feel and explain why. The best thing during this time is to be adult listen don't interupt, make sure to understand completly and if you don't ask questions, let your partner know how you feel and what you expect, and I would say most important is be strong with yourself you have no reason to feel insecure. Your insecurities need to be left by the way side there is no room for jeoulsy or insecurities in a relationship it will drag you down every time. You will be the one to make the relationship fall apart with that stuff. Stop, open up mature and express, but it is practice that will make the relationship grow and be a more relaxed and better on for the both of you. Remember it is consitancy that makes changes and maturaity. Like I said I am only going on my life experiances and what works for me. I am sure there are many other views out there. I wish you the best of luck. Take care.

Hi,thanks for replying. Im 28,he is 33. Got a 7 year old son. Thing is,i dont want to feel this way. I dont want to feel jealous. I hate it. I want to feel like a normal woman would about this. I just dont know how. Everytime he touches me now i feel sick and cant get him doing that and looking at other women out my mind. He doesnt even seem to care. I have sat him down and spoke to him. He gave me his reasons yet its still affecting my confidence xx

Hi, I have masturbated for nearly 13years now and i feel very satisfied each time unlike when having sex with my wife.  it is difficult to satisfy a woman because  you end up failing to take her to heaven with pride sometimes but when masturbating I consider my personal satisfaction and blow it up when I feel so not to wait for somebody else.  I watch porn a lot so that it can make me turned on and after I just get to another level with joy and pride. 

That's so sad - I know exactly how you feel. I've had nigh-on 20 years of a similar frustrating pattern. When I look back sex slacked off about 3 years in. The pattern goes something like this - We manage for a while, approximately bi-monthly then it drifts off - silence, nothing, months go by. Then i can't stand the stress and the longing - as I can no longer initiate sex because I cannot cope with the rejection, i snap, go crazy, we have a huge row, make up, then we start the cycle again. i know he wants to just let it go. he says he doesn't, but he does. He prefers masturbation and porn - i don't think he's at it all the time and i wouldn't say he is addicted. For me I imagine a door metaphor - he's always disappearing behind a metaphorical door - into a cupboard and i keep putting my foot in the way to keep it open but the constant energy needed to negotiate this horrendous situation over the years has left me depleted, so terribly sad and often incandescent with horrific rage, when that happens he is too 'fragile' for some time - so again no sex, and unbelievably I feel guilty.



We have had some heart to hearts. It sometimes works for a while. Once I said 'you don't seem to fancy me' - he said sadly -' I don't fancy anyone' and i still stayed - how sad is that? My feeling is that it is an emotional issue as well as sexual - extremely complex, somewhere back in childhood the 2 split, emotion and the sexual impulse and he can only manage stretches of combined activity before he disappears into the cupboard - where it is 'safe'. I haven't a hope in hell of unravelling it all.



To live with the feeling that to a large extent you are undesired and unwanted is crushing to the spirit. to know that someone who professes they love you but can cause you so much pain is one of the horrible complex truths of relationships. I wish I had found the strength to have left years ago, but unfortunately something about the way this situation plays out on the women emotionally makes it extremely difficult to leave - because it attacks and erodes your essential self esteem.



To any younger women here i would say I really don't believe this problem can be solved, maybe 'managed' to some extent as in my case, but you are truly better off knowing this is not a fight you can win. The sexual impulse is profoundly ingrained. Try and change it and you will fail. There is nothing wrong with you. face the heartbreak and change your life. Don't end up like me. With my best years behind me given to someone who couldn't/wouldn't cherish me. He is good in so many ways and lovely to look at which makes it hard - but he's like a poisoned fruit to me now.

this is an old thread but maybe my take will help someone. I masturbate about 1-3 times per week. I have been with my wife for 28yrs, but only married for 11. Usually I fantasize about surprise! my wife. I imagine doing things with her that I believe she would decline to do, or WORS,E doit for me  but not want too. Thats about the jist of it. I want to do things with my wife that I can't ask for. I also love to build up to a great orgasm but she seems to think I want to have one fast, so sometimes even my orgasm is unsatisfying.

Thank you for your input greetly appreciated, and I found that a lot of what you said is what I was thinking. I have since have been able to get him to open up and we are now having more sex, and I am also happy to say he is talking more and opening up more. I am still having a few issues with understanding why is that he still masterbates as much as he did before. Yes we are having more sex but he still masterbates as much as before, so I am now wondering what part am I not fullfilling. Yes I know he loves me, yes I know he is loyal to me, I understand he needs space, I work hard at making sure to keep things between us and keep an open mind I want very much to explore anything he may have on his mind. I just do not understand why he wants to wack it more than be with me. I tell him please wake me up in the morning slide it in and gently wake me ( doesn't that sound so nice, sweet, and a shared moment with love) I would love that, but no instead he like clock work early in the morning goes to the bathroom and does his thing ( he does it all night long in bed or if he is really into it goes to the bathroom.  How he thinks I don't know this drives me crazy I told him I know he does it he never says anything.

I wonder if he just doesn't care or like you he is thinking of other people because it's not me. He is like clock work every single night and morning EVERY DAY 365 a yr. Okay yes I do have my toys, but I prefer to use them with him anything with him. I find using them only is good when he is away and even then I am thinking of him only him. I am just tired of trying to figure it out. You say you want your wife to do more well he has it, but he just for whatever reason seems it's not enough. I understand men do this but common through the night every night 365 plus sex. We can have sex that night and go to sleep and then an hour later he is up slapping it what the hell. Now I feel there is nothing I can do to satisfy him how do I deal with that?

Okay, your wife sit down with her gently explain what your looking for letting her know you really want to do it with her, and like you said open up let her know it's okay if she feel uncomfortable, but let her know it's just you and her and you are not going to judge her but want to explore and share with her and only her.  I also feel while you have her in a heated moment start introducing things slowly gently she will come around she will open her self up and enjoy and once she has watch out she will be on fire.  Please let me know how things go. I hope the best for you.

 

 

wow your a douche bag

I'm a guy I have masturbated since i was really young, and it kind of became a routine for me to do it often.  But, as I figured, I wish I had not, because my own selfishness, and it is somewhat selfish to do too much...once every 3 days is enough, might be difficult, but when I'm in a relationship I have to make difficult sacrifices in order to please my partner, otherwise, why have a partner, because the truth is it's not her fault, and I know this deep down, as do most guys I think, and when I'm in a relationship, i try to limit to maybe once every 3 days, and compromise more because it means I care and respect the woman I'm with...like I said, I'm far from perfect, it is normal for a guy to do it often, but I think the best thing a woman can do is tell the guy if she's not satisfied, if he cares enough about her, and not himself, he'll either work on it, or get help... as for me, if I know I'm hurting someone with my behavior, I either quit the behavior, or I know it's time for me to do some soul searching on my own and find my priorities before I DESERVE to be in a relationship, because sometimes I do it every day, or more than one time at the moment (I'm in a long distance relationship which may be slightly different) but at the same time deep down i feel like I should be having more phone sex maybe, things like that... it's 2012 and a man is no longer promised to have a woman in his life if he's not pulling his own weight, should apply to all of us, so we don't take it for granted, including me since I know I'm wrong, even if say a woman told me I shouldn't feel ashamed of that behavior, if I know it's wrong and not ok... I shouldn't just accept that answer without questioning myself and my priorities... in a nutshell masturbation is completely normal yes, but we as men, not guys, men, should be totally honest with ourselves how big that gray area between normal and excessive is because deep down, we know 3,4 5 times a day, or even one time a day if it affects the sex drive enough to where you can make love to your hand, but not her...  i know it's preachy, i myself need help on me, through action, otherwise i deserve to be called an ass when it applies, it probably affects how I deal with people even... I try to do right, but there's a deep sense of guilt or shame that needs to be addressed ASAP, or never because if left unchecked it will probably never get fixed, it's as much of an addiction as cocaine, which I was also addicted to, I know

I also would like to add, in my honest opinion, for me specifically, I think when I masturbate too frequently, my dealings with the opposite sex can be very negative experiences for them as they probably see me as somewhat immature, or selfish, and I think they're on point with that assessment, I deserve what I earn...  I don't talk about this much with other people so if they can't read minds I probably make them feel somewhat degraded at times not even intentionally, especially if they loved or cared about me because say when a guy looks at porn, the images at least in my head would be degrading to some women, if they are the type who would feel offended by that type of behavior in person, and that does not make her type worth less as a person, I think it's good to find someone who's compatible sexually, if they are, then I stand by what I say about masturbation, if you're not compatible, you probably never will be, so in those cases I think it's time to priortize, some people might naturally be more aggressive sexually some more passive, but just because some guys like a more passive woman sexually, does not mean he should prefer all women meet his standards, because it's not realistic, and I find the more aggressive women easier to please actually, and I feel more confident in bed with them than I would with someone I'm not sure if they're turned on or not, yes in my head it all seems ideal, but in bed it's never what it is in my head, my orgasms thus far have not been better, but that should not keep me from having fun anyways, because there's nothing like real intimacy with a person, a hand could never satisfy that need we have as humans...it's like chasing a high that you will never reach without another person, you start taking the person for granted, of course they'll think you're more interested in you than them, and they would be right

1. Dont blame yourself, its not about you.
2. He is right, men will always masturbate all our lives.
3. Sometimes it is just preferable to masturbate than make love,
4. You wont change him. You just have to accept it.

I love my boyfriend very much & I try and be supportive about the fact that he openly will admit to me that he watches porn ALOT & hes ashamed of it. Ive asked him if im there to involve me so we can have fun together....if im in bed and hes watching girls on late night tv shows in the front room i feel as though im not good enough for him to bother coming to bed. I dont care how many times he says its not like that, as a woman, that is how i feel & I know im not alone. He said he would stop hiding it when im there but he doesnt he just lies to me. When Ive caught him out (accidently i may add) he gets upset....I dont rly know why, im actually only cross because hes lied to me saying hes got work to do or hes going to work out in the garage. He also finds it really hard to talk to me about it and goes into over drive defense mode and just throws insults at me about things that I do that irritate him...like that helps!