i know how all of you feel on here....my story is this.....i fell pregnant april last year..(it wasnt planned but want unwanted)....but during the first few hours of dicovering i was pregnant,i also rememberd id recently had the MMR vaccine....after 2 weeks of stress,internet research & a lot of appointments with diffrent counclers & drs for advice...we made the decision to terminate our baby for the risks of autism,deafness,blindness ect was out weighing the risks of a healthy baby....
since then i have gone to pieces!!!!
i locked myself away from everyone for the 1st 3 weeks,just about mamging to drag myself into work...(i lived alone so i had to work t pay my bills)but after work id be straight home shut the door & speak to nobody...(even my boyfriend)i couldnt bare to look at anyone,least of all him,i felt angry,sad,lost,gulity was the hardest feeling to deal with..i couldnt even look at myboyfriend.....
like others on here i then got so riddled with guilt that i couldnt wait to fall pregnant again...which i did 3 months later....
i was over the moon!
but this pregnancy also camew ith its problems,it turned out to be ectopic.....i fighted for weeks havig blood test monitering constly my blood to see if it definalty was....
everyday the pain got worse & every day the blood test confirmed it was ectopic....
in the end i had to go in hospital over night & have a drug called methtrexate,this is a cancer chemo drug it finds the pregnancy & breaks it down...so now id lost 2 babies in 3 months & with hormones raging & the guilt fromt he first,i felt the world was punishing me for what id done....
its now almost a year later since the ectopic,i have became obssessed with gettin gmy babies back 7 every where i go or people i see or speak to are talking pregnancy & babies.....
every month i do pregnancy tests & every month they say negtive,some days in the week that im due on i have been doing 2 tests a day!!!
i am totally depressed & blame myself & my boyfriend for everything.....
men dont go through it like we d,we have the awfull mmeories of the termintion,like a video re playing over & over...they dont have the hormones ragging around their bodies like we do....i feel ive never had a chance to grieve or speak about it to anyone,i also feel now like ill never ever have a baby of my own....i have days where im happy,but most are not, as there are constant reminders every where....i tey to think of gret things to do & places to go at weekends to tke my mind off my thoughts,but nothing seems to work for me.....
since then i have gone to pieces!!!!
i locked myself away from everyone for the 1st 3 weeks,just about mamging to drag myself into work...(i lived alone so i had to work t pay my bills)but after work id be straight home shut the door & speak to nobody...(even my boyfriend)i couldnt bare to look at anyone,least of all him,i felt angry,sad,lost,gulity was the hardest feeling to deal with..i couldnt even look at myboyfriend.....
like others on here i then got so riddled with guilt that i couldnt wait to fall pregnant again...which i did 3 months later....
i was over the moon!
but this pregnancy also camew ith its problems,it turned out to be ectopic.....i fighted for weeks havig blood test monitering constly my blood to see if it definalty was....
everyday the pain got worse & every day the blood test confirmed it was ectopic....
in the end i had to go in hospital over night & have a drug called methtrexate,this is a cancer chemo drug it finds the pregnancy & breaks it down...so now id lost 2 babies in 3 months & with hormones raging & the guilt fromt he first,i felt the world was punishing me for what id done....
its now almost a year later since the ectopic,i have became obssessed with gettin gmy babies back 7 every where i go or people i see or speak to are talking pregnancy & babies.....
every month i do pregnancy tests & every month they say negtive,some days in the week that im due on i have been doing 2 tests a day!!!
i am totally depressed & blame myself & my boyfriend for everything.....
men dont go through it like we d,we have the awfull mmeories of the termintion,like a video re playing over & over...they dont have the hormones ragging around their bodies like we do....i feel ive never had a chance to grieve or speak about it to anyone,i also feel now like ill never ever have a baby of my own....i have days where im happy,but most are not, as there are constant reminders every where....i tey to think of gret things to do & places to go at weekends to tke my mind off my thoughts,but nothing seems to work for me.....
I think you should tell your kids. No offense, but I'm not too pleased with my mom after finding out sh had an abortion 1 yrs after she had one. You know how I found out? I recently had one..she seemed all to familiar, and was able to guess so. Well gee thanks mother. If you had been open and shown us you grieved or something just anything, we would have definitely learned from your experience, but we couldn't since we didn't know she made it, but oh well. I will tell my future children, because I never want them to go through this, so I will make sure they don't, unless their lives are threatened, or w.e. I have also taken it upon my sisters and they have vowed to never get one. They see the horror it has brought me, and even if BControl fails, they will raise the child. Now see, my MOM should do all that, not me. I sometimes feel like it was partially meant so I could save my sisters. My mom clearly wouldn't have. She would have taken this to her grave probably. Sorry just feel it's best to be open.. just like if i was open with my pregnancy..i may not have ever had an abortion. 8)
8) Hi! I think you should tell your kids. No offense, but I'm not too pleased with my mom after finding out sh had an abortion 1 yrs after she had one. You know how I found out? I recently had one..she seemed all to familiar, and was able to guess so. Well gee thanks mother. If you had been open and shown us you grieved or something just anything, we would have definitely learned from your experience, but we couldn't since we didn't know she made it, but oh well. I will tell my future children, because I never want them to go through this, so I will make sure they don't, unless their lives are threatened, or w.e. I have also taken it upon my sisters and they have vowed to never get one. They see the horror it has brought me, and even if BControl fails, they will raise the child. Now see, my MOM should do all that, not me. I sometimes feel like it was partially meant so I could save my sisters. My mom clearly wouldn't have. She would have taken this to her grave probably. Sorry just feel it's best to be open.. just like if i was more open with my pregnancy..i may not have ever had an abortion. Take care.
Hi! I think you should tell your kids. No offense, but I'm wasn't too pleased with my mom after finding out she had an abortion 10 yrs after she had one. You know how I found out? I recently had one..she seemed all to familiar, and was able to guess so. Well gee thanks mother. If you had been open and shown us you grieved or something just anything, we would have definitely learned from your experience, but we couldn't since we didn't know she made it, but oh well. I will tell my future children, because I never want them to go through this, so I will make sure they don't, unless their lives are threatened, or w.e. I have also taken it upon my sisters and they have vowed to never get one. They see the horror it has brought me, and even if BControl fails, they will raise the child. Now see, my MOM should do all that, not me. I sometimes feel like it was partially meant so I could save my sisters. My mom clearly wouldn't have. She would have taken this to her grave probably. Sorry just feel it's best to be open.. just like if i was more open with my pregnancy..i may not have ever had an abortion. Take care.
i cant believe i found a site where everything i have been feeling the last few words is already written down. Im 22 and had an abortion last month. At the time i really thought i was sure but ever since i have felt like there is part of me missing, like life will never return to any degree of normality, like i will be filled with the guilt and loss forvever. looking back i was scared and let others influence me too much, i didnt take time to find the quiet and listen to my heart, instead of my head. i cry every day and cannot see a way of moving past this. i dont want to face the rest of my life waking up everyday filled with regret and saddness. i dont know what to do anymore.
Hi everyone,
I was desperate for a baby, I was engaged at 21 to the love of my life and wanted nothing more than to fall pregnant by "accident" even though I knew we were not really ready, we lived in a rented flat. One night the condom broke and I knew It was the right time of the month to get pregnant, but i lied to my fiance and said it was fine and nothing would happen so i didnt need the morning after pill. i did become pregnant and i told him i wanted to keep it but he wouldnt talk to me, kept saying we didnt have the money and werent ready and in the end i was so stressed about not being able to make a decision that i had an abortion 6 days before our wedding. i was so rushed and didnt want to have to deal with the worry over the wedding.
it was over 2 years ago and i miss my baby every minute of every day, i break down and cry randomly and hate anyone else who is pregnant. but i dont speak about how i feel to my husband because i dont want him to feel upset or guilty or think it is his fault. i love him and it wasnt his fault, it was my fault, i made the decision and i went through with it out of fear. i will never tell him how i feel because i love him too much to hurt him, but i will never get over it.
even though i say all this i still know it was the "right" decision. we werent ready, we didnt have a stable home environment and it would have put pressure on our relationship. but it being the "right" decision doesnt make it hurt any less.
my heart goes out to everyone feeling like me and going through this, stay strong and know you are not alone
xx
I was desperate for a baby, I was engaged at 21 to the love of my life and wanted nothing more than to fall pregnant by "accident" even though I knew we were not really ready, we lived in a rented flat. One night the condom broke and I knew It was the right time of the month to get pregnant, but i lied to my fiance and said it was fine and nothing would happen so i didnt need the morning after pill. i did become pregnant and i told him i wanted to keep it but he wouldnt talk to me, kept saying we didnt have the money and werent ready and in the end i was so stressed about not being able to make a decision that i had an abortion 6 days before our wedding. i was so rushed and didnt want to have to deal with the worry over the wedding.
it was over 2 years ago and i miss my baby every minute of every day, i break down and cry randomly and hate anyone else who is pregnant. but i dont speak about how i feel to my husband because i dont want him to feel upset or guilty or think it is his fault. i love him and it wasnt his fault, it was my fault, i made the decision and i went through with it out of fear. i will never tell him how i feel because i love him too much to hurt him, but i will never get over it.
even though i say all this i still know it was the "right" decision. we werent ready, we didnt have a stable home environment and it would have put pressure on our relationship. but it being the "right" decision doesnt make it hurt any less.
my heart goes out to everyone feeling like me and going through this, stay strong and know you are not alone
xx
I am a new mother of a beautiful baby girl who is six months. She is my first live birth. Six years ago I had a miscarriage which hurt me so bad emotionally, thats why my daughter is a blesssing. I am currently 2 months pregnent and it is so unexpective. I too will be having an abortion but I truely want to keep this child. This time in my life is so rocky with being a new mom, only working two days a week cuz of no child care, saving my new marriage, and doing all I can for my husband to stay in the states. He has a 7 yr old son which makes my life more crazy. I want more kids but my husband doesnt, except for this child I cant concieve. Im stressing out cuz my 6th month old is growing so fast and she needs me especially this time in her life. A huge part of me really doesnt want to go thru with this abortion cuz I am already 2 months and this will be my only chance to have another child. I cant eat a meal without getting sick, I stay in bed and try to keep my daughter lying with me for as long as I can make her thu all she wants to do is crawl, I have no energy to wake up for her which is sad. Every smell is gross, im weak from being so depressed I can feel myself almost hitting rock bottom. I cry cuz I want one option but i have to do whats right. I know i have to stay stronge for my daughter its just more powerfull then me. I feel so guilty because pregnency is always unexpected and never the right time and its not the unborn childs fault. Im just not myself please help :'( :-(
Dear Reader,
I had a pill abortion approximately 1 month ago, the procedure went smoothly and the pregnancy ended, however, I didn't think I would feel the pain I now feel.
When I was younger my doctor told me I couldn't get pregnant because I have such an irregular cycle and apparently sometimes I would ovulate and sometimes I wouldn't, anyway, I've grown up thinking I would never be a mother. I came to terms with this and admittedly often cried over it when I was alone and I thought about the future and how I would never have the happy family I'd always dreamed of. But I fell pregnant with my partner over the summer so when I found out I was incredibly shocked and then went through a stage of denial and anger in my mind about how it was even possible that this had happened, I then told myself I wouldn't let it affect me and effectively told myself to "man up" and sort the situation out. I convinced myself not to feel any emotion over the termination as it was "only a bunch of cells" and that I couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't have the baby as Im still studying at university and my parents would never support me and my partner and my relationship weren't ready for a child, not to mention I couldn't financially support it and I dont want to bring a child into this world when I know it wouldn't have the best life imaginable because its not fair on it or me...
ANYWAY, I had the abortion and on the way home I basically broke down and all of these emotions I'd bottled up just came out, sadness, self- loathing, not regret but something along the lines of I hated the situation I was in because I never thought Id end up in it. A few weeks ago I met up with some friends and a debate arose over the topic of abortion, only my best friend, sister and partner knew about the abortion and they were both very supportive, and my friends were all saying about how if you have an abortion you deserve the physical and mental pain that the abortion put you through ( my cramps were incredibly severe, like pain i didn't even know existed) and basically were making horrible uninformed comments about abortion and how you should feel disgusted in yourself for doing it, I stood up for myself and all the women who have been in my situation and basically defended it but it made me SO ANGRY! But the betrayal I felt, I dont know if its even normal or justified to feel the hurt I felt, my sister and I got into a horrible argument over something petty this morning and she screamed at me to go and get pregnant again because im a wh*re (baring in mind ive been in a relationship with my man for over a year) and go and murder another one and how maybe if we are lucky ill go the same way as my child and plenty of other horrible things ... so yeah, I feel like dirt at the minute and incredibly betrayed over how my sister could throw the most traumatic time of my life back in my face and pretty much tell me that Im worthless and she hopes ill go through this pain all over again. I know what I've done and I'm living with the consequences of my actions and I really DONT need someone telling me stuff like that, I will always regret being in that situation and what had to be done, but it was the right decision for me at the time and I hate myself for destroying my own flesh and blood.
I know this may sound like a sob story and I'm making excuses for myself but I just wanted to write down my secret and tell someone so that I can express the pain I feel, and yes I've been crying, but Im just hoping for a sign of forgiveness and understanding and someone to tell me that its ok to grieve over my baby...
Thank you for reading this,
Kind regards,
SapphireEyes xxx
I had a pill abortion approximately 1 month ago, the procedure went smoothly and the pregnancy ended, however, I didn't think I would feel the pain I now feel.
When I was younger my doctor told me I couldn't get pregnant because I have such an irregular cycle and apparently sometimes I would ovulate and sometimes I wouldn't, anyway, I've grown up thinking I would never be a mother. I came to terms with this and admittedly often cried over it when I was alone and I thought about the future and how I would never have the happy family I'd always dreamed of. But I fell pregnant with my partner over the summer so when I found out I was incredibly shocked and then went through a stage of denial and anger in my mind about how it was even possible that this had happened, I then told myself I wouldn't let it affect me and effectively told myself to "man up" and sort the situation out. I convinced myself not to feel any emotion over the termination as it was "only a bunch of cells" and that I couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't have the baby as Im still studying at university and my parents would never support me and my partner and my relationship weren't ready for a child, not to mention I couldn't financially support it and I dont want to bring a child into this world when I know it wouldn't have the best life imaginable because its not fair on it or me...
ANYWAY, I had the abortion and on the way home I basically broke down and all of these emotions I'd bottled up just came out, sadness, self- loathing, not regret but something along the lines of I hated the situation I was in because I never thought Id end up in it. A few weeks ago I met up with some friends and a debate arose over the topic of abortion, only my best friend, sister and partner knew about the abortion and they were both very supportive, and my friends were all saying about how if you have an abortion you deserve the physical and mental pain that the abortion put you through ( my cramps were incredibly severe, like pain i didn't even know existed) and basically were making horrible uninformed comments about abortion and how you should feel disgusted in yourself for doing it, I stood up for myself and all the women who have been in my situation and basically defended it but it made me SO ANGRY! But the betrayal I felt, I dont know if its even normal or justified to feel the hurt I felt, my sister and I got into a horrible argument over something petty this morning and she screamed at me to go and get pregnant again because im a wh*re (baring in mind ive been in a relationship with my man for over a year) and go and murder another one and how maybe if we are lucky ill go the same way as my child and plenty of other horrible things ... so yeah, I feel like dirt at the minute and incredibly betrayed over how my sister could throw the most traumatic time of my life back in my face and pretty much tell me that Im worthless and she hopes ill go through this pain all over again. I know what I've done and I'm living with the consequences of my actions and I really DONT need someone telling me stuff like that, I will always regret being in that situation and what had to be done, but it was the right decision for me at the time and I hate myself for destroying my own flesh and blood.
I know this may sound like a sob story and I'm making excuses for myself but I just wanted to write down my secret and tell someone so that I can express the pain I feel, and yes I've been crying, but Im just hoping for a sign of forgiveness and understanding and someone to tell me that its ok to grieve over my baby...
Thank you for reading this,
Kind regards,
SapphireEyes xxx
Sapphireeyes,
YES...YES it IS OK TO GRIEVE OVER your baby. You know the truth, but you are going through the natural process of grieving regardless of wether or not your child died from abortion or miscarriage. I am still grieving the miscarriage of my baby in November last year, I held my 11 week old baby, and I still grieve, there are times when I dont even know the grieving is coming.
You lost your child, your body is still trying to "understand" why the pregnancy is not there. There are post abortion recovery people that can help you. Hugs.
Hizgrace
YES...YES it IS OK TO GRIEVE OVER your baby. You know the truth, but you are going through the natural process of grieving regardless of wether or not your child died from abortion or miscarriage. I am still grieving the miscarriage of my baby in November last year, I held my 11 week old baby, and I still grieve, there are times when I dont even know the grieving is coming.
You lost your child, your body is still trying to "understand" why the pregnancy is not there. There are post abortion recovery people that can help you. Hugs.
Hizgrace
Hi, i am relieved to find this site and only wish i had found it weeks ago. I became preg with a man i loved more then anything. He wanted the child more then anything but said he did not love me like he once did and wanted me to do it on my own. I tried and was broke and in a new place where i did not now anyone. There were so many hardships and I was so sad he did not love me I could not see clear enough to be able to have the kid on my own. I was very broke, tried making it work looking for a job, health care, getting to the doctor getting food it became such a struggle and i panicked being a unloved alone single unemployed mother. I cried every day having a kid inside me from a man who i got preg because i loved him and did not love me. I had the abortion and wish he had stopped me. I begged him to but he said he wanted to share custody of the kid when it was born but that I would need to do it on my own, he would give me no help. I regret it now and see how I put my love for him first and myself and not the child whom I deeply miss. I wish i could take it back and i know i can't. What makes it harder is now he is giving me the help, care and love to get through the abortion but that is what i needed to have it on my own when i was preg. he sees that now and feels sorry. He has said sorry he should have been more supportive and realizes how hard it was for me now. Had he treated me this way before I might have been calmer or if i had found this sight I would have known how i was not alone and not the only girl to struggle with the emotions of being pregnant. i send love to you all and love to all that has been lost. I pray for the strength and look forwards to returning to this site one day if i ever get preg again to say thank you to everyone you have given me the strength to make sure that next time I will remember that there is a way and I can keep it and I am not alone. i hope each day gets easier. I hope I can deal with how much I love this man and how much i hurt him and myself. I hope i find peace in the fact he does not love me. and can find a way that he and i can forgive each other. i loved him then and i love him more now still. i cant force him to love me I only hope he and i can find forgiveness and ask for any help or advice from any one in a broken relationship who has dealt with the same. thank you and much love to everyone, we cant change our past only our future.
hi my names stacie i had an abortion 2 years ago dealt with alot of these things alone until i seeked help in about the 8th stage of greiving. Its called post abortion deppression few poeple know about this because abortion is not a casual subject but i want to get it out there i know how your feeling i went through it. Listen if you need help try and get your hands on the book Her Choice to Heal by Sydna Masse. It is interpreted with the bible, im not christian im wiccan but i skimmed through the bible parts or i interpreted it into my own religion. It has helped me through alot now im probably at the the 8 th stage or chapter in my life because i went through those stages alone but get that book might have to get it online but its worth it trust me and please dont be ashamed you did what you had to do at that time im only 17 years old i got pregnant when i was 15 so get the book and this is for anyone else reading this, it helps. and please get post abortion syndrome out to the world look the symptoms up im sure you have some i had almost all of them. and if anyone wants to talk im here my email is: ***this post is edited by moderator *** *** private e-mails not allowed **
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and anyone who wants to yell at me or w/e fine ill let you know why i choice to have an abortion. anyone please email me i check it everyday dont be afraid to stand up to the world and let them know no one should hide their desicions because fear of ridicule it doesnt matter what people think what matters is that you want to start your life over again and find that happpiness please email me and guys too my boyfreind was with me through the whole process and hes let me know what it was like. and Blessed Be to all of you
Please read our Terms of Use
and anyone who wants to yell at me or w/e fine ill let you know why i choice to have an abortion. anyone please email me i check it everyday dont be afraid to stand up to the world and let them know no one should hide their desicions because fear of ridicule it doesnt matter what people think what matters is that you want to start your life over again and find that happpiness please email me and guys too my boyfreind was with me through the whole process and hes let me know what it was like. and Blessed Be to all of you
Hi, im 17 and i had an abortion last July and im still grieving. Somedays i feel like i have done something wrong and somedays i just dont even know. I feel like my family pushed me to do something that i may have not wanted to do. i feel they made the decison for me. My boyfriends sister had her baby before i had found out i was pregnant. Then his parents had one to. When i go over there i feel like i need to hold them all the time. i never want to let go and i dont know if thats a good thing. Im still in High School and it feels like my life has changed. My boyfriend and i always talk about "what if we could of done it?" And i feel like i could. I see girls at my school who are pregnant and they keep there babies and it makes me feel horrible. Is this normal?
I know this is a super old post, but I feel like I have to add my story. I am 36. I had an abortion a month ago. The same as the first story, I don't know what happened. I was in a really complicated relationship, but I want children. I have no idea if I made the right decision or not but I feel unbelievably painfully regretful and empty. I was so nauseous, so emotional, I couldn't think straight, and with the intense problems in the relationship, I just made my decision. He wanted me to keep it. We are no longer together, and I am alone in my stupid studio. I don't know what the answers are for these things. I don't know if I was brave or a coward for not keeping it. I just feel terrible.
When i was quite young i got myself into a hard situation when i became pregnant whilst i was still in school which was hard for me because i had my exams coming up, i made the decision to abort the baby, that was nearly two years ago, i've never felt anything of it in those two years but now it's finally starting to hit me in an emotional way, i'll see my friends daughter and cry, little things will set me off being upset, it's horrible and i feel like the worst person in the world. I know this post is old but this is somewhere where no-one knows who i am and nobody can judge me for my past mistakes and sometimes this is what you need to get your feelings hurt and release some emotion.
I'd love to say it gets easier with time but unfortunately it doesn't.
I'd love to say it gets easier with time but unfortunately it doesn't.
i feel the same exact way. im 18 years old & just had my abortion 1 week ago and i just wish i could go back in time. but we need to realize we would have struggled either way with the loss of our child or raising a child with limilted means & support.