Major depression and grief after abortion, very confused...

I'm 19. This was my first time being pregnant. I let my mom talk me into getting an abortion thinking it was best for me. While waiting for the dr I was nervous, trying to figure out if I should get up and leave. After getting it do I immediately started crying in recovery. Since then I feel empty, unhappy, I don't want to go outside, talk to friends. It's been 3 days now and every time I start bleeding I feel like I'm wiping my baby's blood. I feel extremely guilty and ashamed. I don't know myself. I have nightmares and can't sleep. I can't stop crying and feel alone. It wasn't until after I felt I needed my baby. Over the course of these three days I feel phantom flutters where my baby was and touch my stomach and remember nothing's there. I don't know how to deal.

I wish I had read this before my abortion. I had the same experience - I was overwhelmed by anxiety like it came out of nowhere - I think old buried fears and beliefs all came to the fore. Sadly i couldn't overcome them and had a termination. Now I regret it as I can look back in hindsight and realise I should have got help to deal with my fears. Its too late now I am childless forever and very sad.

Hi, I could write the same e-mail. I'm so sorry that you went through this. How have you done after the abortion? I had mine over a year ago and I am haunted by it still.

I would like to write a book with stories from women who have had abortions, to try to give women who are considering this "choice" a sense of the reality of what abortion means.

The act of another person performing an abortion on a woman, or giving pills to a woman that will kill the developing baby, is something that is so foreign that it is perhaps difficult for a woman to understand.    These are things a woman would not under normal circumstances, do to herself.   The word "abortion" itself, bears no resemblance to the actual act.    As though, a woman can just "quit", as though carrying a child is a choice.  

There are countries where women may be forced to undergo abortions.  In this country, forced abortions are supposedly illegal.   Yet, by not providing information to women considering this "choice", in a sense, abortion is being forced, though lack of education.   I believe that most women would not voluntarily "choose" to end a pregancy.

Without feeding to the polarized and political the aboriton debate, I beleive the voices of women who have suffered through this indescrible loss, need to be heard.   We still have free speech, and should not be silenced, as though speaking up somehow is against "women's rights".

To help protect our children, and daughters, our friends, and sisters, women must be allowed to speak thier stories, and be heard.

I'm hoping someone can help me but my situation is slightly different from all yours... I'm 44, with 4 teenagers and a loving marriage. Hubby and i in a drunken state went and did something out of the ordinary for the first time and i felt pregnant with someone else, (a friend). The morning after pill failed and bloodtests confirmed my pregnancy. The stress and terror i went through was excruciating. The pressure and emotions of the "dad to be" were too much to handle. (He's married with 2 kids under 5s). Me as a good girl, Christian, would you believe it, reached for the abortion option as i literally freaked out. (What to tell my kids and their girlfriends? My parents would die from shame. Not to mention my husbands parents. What was "he" gonna do, if after 18 yrs another kid appeared on his doorstep etc etc etc etc ) Yet, im not pro abortion! "He" said he would pay for everything but couldn't force me. I can't remember what my husband said... he was ok either way. He would fight if i was to keep it. I didnt sleep. I was an absolute mess. I spoke to counselors from the abortion clinic and i made an appointment regardless my fear and distress. I knew i didn't / couldn't kill the life inside me, but the turmoil it caused and all that was involved was too much for me to handle. Basically i hadn't totally made up my mind i guess, but then fate took it in its own hands and i aborted 3 days before my appointment. .... 9 months on and I'm looking back and i wondered ever so often why i was so depressed all the time and still are? Why have i and still are, lost my joy for life? My appetite, my zest for life? Im sooo deeply depressed that i drink certain days away. I hadn't been able to put my finger on it, but i think it is this: would i have gone through with it or wouldn't i have? Was i able of killing this baby? Really? The thoughts are so confusing and debilitating; i can't get my head around it. Please help i dont know where to start. I live in australia.

Before this ever happened,
I was a different person. I was just finally on my way of recovering all major traumas that has happened to me thus far.

Once again I find myself in a very deep darkness which wants to consume my thoughts, my heart and my soul.

You read up your "informed" decision, and everywhere they say it's natural to bleed, it's natural to have cramps, it's natural to grief, as if to somehow convince yourself that you are not such a bad person, surely millions of woman has gone through abortions and all suffered the same symptoms afterwards, physically and emotionally, there for it would be ok to join the statistics and find a good enough reason why you felt like you had to do it.

I don't think any amount of reading before the time would really prepare one for the actual event which will be happening to you, the process I now myself has to face. I can't specifically remember reading, you won't be able to sleep, and during morning hours you will feel the over whelming presence of horrible demons, which are the closest things to guilt manifestations.

I have these flashes of the memory, my soul understands and accepts the punishment and this flashes of memory is there to stay
Though in time, it becomes less painful, never disappears

Then what if questions starts to haunt me soon after, according to the doctor it will be another 2 weeks of morning, before it will naturally subside or will the depression need medical assistance, it can go either way, really up to the individual that goes through it.

It is true what they say, a cocktail of feelings, relief, shock and regret. Regret is a very dangerous one, because should you open that door, it would surely just lead to suicide. What else does ultimate depression lead too.

I was wondering to myself, isn't this actually the biggest crime against mother nature herself
It is, and was, for a fact unnatural what I have done. I am in absolutely no religion, but mere a basic instinct which I feel in my soul.

Counseling is preferable, but realistically not a lot of people is in the position to pay for the service. Since this 3rd world country I am living in, offers only but disturbing free clinics, where feelings are long pushed gone, as the girls que up in a long line to all get abortions.

The state made it legal for anyone to have an abortion quickly and "easily" for a fee of R800 included, but no body cares to call you afterwards and ask if you are ok and how you are feeling. The state should demands all girls that went through an abortion to have a council sessions when they sign the consent form.

But I guess there is too many girls out there, that would then need this counseling and poverty has such a negative impact on this countries society.

The thing is, sometimes in that moment you convince yourself this is the right thing to do, normally money plays a huge part in the problem. Maybe money and lies, and then you were consumed with option that it was for the best
And for the rest of your life you might have to convince yourself that you were doing it for the right reasons. People tell you that 6 /7 weeks pregnant is so small, it is not conscious yet. The thing that is so disturbing is not that fact, but the fact that you actually did it . You've killed a little bit of your own soul.

I think that is what the daddies would never understand, the fact that it was physically in your body is what makes the experience 10 times worse, the un natural cramps which is insanely sore afterwards will be a reminder of the potential life you just destroyed.

One feels like a murderer. And not just any kind of murderer, the worse kind. Your own child. These thoughts will haunt you afterwards, and this is the hard part, the real hard part, even harder than the actual operation
Forgiving yourself.

Once again a cocktail of feelings. Your inner soul knows that you have to be strong, look forward and now continue your life because the alternative looks like a very very dark evil room.
How can I be human if I just continue with my life as if I have done nothing...

As any tragedy we have to hold on to the following facts. Shock. Anger. Grief. Acceptance and Healing. These 5 stages you will go through should you choose to go this way.

Why did I really do it.
So many reasons.
Reasons which seemed valid to me.

Every time I see something beautiful now I am reminded that I stole that opportunity from an unborn soul that nestled inside of me..

Made from someone..... who I loved....

I cannot take back time now. And even if I could I would most probably do the same thing, as I really am not ready to become a mother.

I freaked out thinking about the actual child in a no money situation. Making this problem everyone else's problem no matter if they offered to help.
Not to mention the secrets I had to keep, for every single person I know.

Being in a pregnancy state is lowering once chances of magically finding a job that would support you suddenly when in 31 years I have achieved actually nothing. I've wasted so much time.

Today I was at the doctor and found out everything is still ok. I found some hope that maybe when I am at least 60% ready I can maybe have a baby again, make up for this...
I pray to the universe that the same soul will forgive me and come back to me.

My ‎ subconscious‎ mind tries to comfort me in thoughts that maybe he was born on a different parallel universe.

If not I will continue my daydream and quest to adopt a 3 year old. They pretty cute on 3...

Everywhere I go see babies and children, I ask myself a lot, why the f**k did I do that...

It's something that smacks you in the face really hard, and now you will have no other choice but to forgive yourself because you will never know for sure if the baby forgave you... fears of the heart..

Remember that we are people and we make mistakes. Having a baby itself would be probably a lot harder, it would change your life forever. I suddenly felt that, I felt a little bit part of that world. It's a different one from the one which I currently live in.

I am going to try and forgive myself somehow and pull through..
So should you

Hi, just wondering how are you doinG? Im exactly at the she position now. I feel so lonely!

Exactly the same situation this is crazy !!!

I am devastated over my abortion decision. I am 40 with 2 kids 11 and 8 and panicked. I cannot sleep for more than 4 hours without waking up in a cold sweat of regret and grief. All I want is a baby. So sad....

To all the women seeking relief: please get help. Go find a counselor or a support group. Please google anything that you think will help. Please go find relief.

I would love to talk to you I really really need someone to talk to I had a abortion for the first time

I'm not sure if i've come to this feed way to late. I don't really know how they work I have searched the internet for anyones story I felt I could relate to. Everyone's experiences seem so different and when I read about someone relief I feel more hurt. I find my guilt uncontrollable, I feel my reasons for having an abortion aren't enough. I've always wanted children, I'm 30 years old, I own a house, I connected with the pregnancy, I loved my baby. But I had come out of a long term relationship earlier this year, my heart was broken. I'd only known the man I fell pregnant with a few months, but he was the perfect guy, the kindest partner, that loved me. He wanted to have the baby with me if I felt I could commit to doing it with him. I wanted to so much, I tried, but in those short few months I couldn't make my mind up about him. I found myself going ahead with an abortion at 8 weeks. I cried outside the hospital because I didn't know what to do but with a little encouragement from my mum 'to just get on with it' and knowing it's what he wanted me to do if I couldn't make a decision about him. I forced myself. I wanted to spit the pills out of my mouth immediately. I woke up from the anaesthetic already crying. I feel like I betrayed my body, betrayed my baby. I did it because I wanted pregnancy to feel easy - to feel pure love and excitement - to not have to feel resistance. But I fear that I may never have this opportunity again, that life isn't always easy and straight forward but that my pregnancy was a gift. And like you say I know I'll never forget this baby, it will always be my first child. It hurts that society cannot recognise the grief of an abortion. It's hard because it feels almost impossible to grieve something when you are to blame for your own loss. I wonder how you are all doing now a year down the line? It's two weeks since my abortion and I struggle to think about much else, I feel guilt when I'm not thinking about the significance of what I've done or honouring and memorialising it in some way. I am an artist and photographer and I've decided to make some work based on the disenfranchised grief of abortion in a bid to try and raise awareness of the unspoken and misunderstood nature surrounding the complexity of its grief. I wonder if any of you would be happy to talk to me about your stories or shed any light on your thoughts. Hope to hear back from some of you.
Imi xxx

Your post is the only thing I have found out there that I really relate to. I can't tell you how much more comfort I take from your words that it feels like you're the 'worst kind of person for murdering your own child' than I take from someone telling me not to blame myself. Because I know they can't begin to understand the connection I had with my baby, the responsibility that instantly comes to you as a mother.

I see other children now as you say and I know I would have loved my baby endlessly as I did while it was with me, I would have been a great mother and I wonder isn't that what's most important and I deprived my own child of that right. I question whether she forgives me too and whether her same soul might come back to me one day.

I am not religious either. I had friends that had been through abortion and I always would have understood and told them it would be ok. I had no idea the depths of these feelings. The natural instincts that it would go against. It's something I know now I will always live with. The regret and guilt eats you away.

But I also know that I did my best to find away to make it ok, I wanted to make it work but I have to trust that it wasn't the right time. My love was real and I hope in time to forgive myself for my decision.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience because it helps knowing I'm not alone with these thoughts. X

I'm going through EXACTLY the same thing. So confused as to how I turned something I wanted more than anything into the most negative experience. And I'm pro life!!! Makes no sense to me. Would love to talk to anyone who is experiencing the same

Word for word the same and I'm pro life. Makes it so confusing. While others have their concrete reasons all we have is a memory of panic and the lingering feelings of failure. Prayers to you. I will never look at myself the same. It's a rough road without any answers and consuming guilt