I'm worried about him meeting with your "team" all he has to do is state that he is scared of you when you rage, or that "I've tried to help her, and all she says it is my fault etc. etc." This is going to be documented! This is what I was trying to make you be aware of before, HE WILL succeed IF you don't come clean with everyone and tell them what he HAS done, not how YOU reacted! Your raging is a response to the pain he has caused, but if he comes out of this looking like the ABUSED!! Instead of the ABUSER! You could be in BIG trouble here Katy! Before he speaks to them you HAVE to tell them about what he has done - ALL the dirt! He is SO close to winning this whole thing Katy, I REALLY want you to listen to me and get some help! Because I SEE what's coming! He has a doctor's report backing him up, he has the police, he has his lawyer and family, and even your family! Once Pandoras box is opened there is no closing it and I worry about the state of you IF he wins ALL - that includes the girls and he keeps them and YOU have to leave and be out on the streets! I TRULY think this is what is coming if you don't tell people before he can play the innocent! Because that is EXACTLY what he will do! There is NO reason for a man to hit a woman, NO reason for forcing sex, and NO reason for emotional and mental battery! NONE! Not if you are an alcoholic, not if you are PMSing, the slightest arguement they can say to him is "Well if she was so bad, why didn't you leave?" And his answer will ALWAYS be "I feared for the safety of the girls, so that's why I stayed, I was worried what she would do if she was raging with the girls!!!" You HAVE to listen to this and take a REALLY hard look at what you have said to others - it is basically bashing yourself! You are so down on yourself, you tell yourself your useless, and that you probably deserved this. And I'm sure 90% of you actually believes you deserve this sh*t!! You DONT!!! And the more you keep quiet and take it, NO ONE will believe you! It's Peter Crying Wolf! So you phone that Psychiatrist, Drink Nurse, Doctor, Social Worker, Housing Authority, and you TELL them that he has forced himself on you, that he has hurt you, and you are TERRIFIED for yours and the girls safety, and that your health is deterioating!!!
NO MORE PETER!!! Katy!!! You HAVE to be listened to and not rambling or not getting to the point. I want you to type a letter and send it to all of these guys! Because I don't think you will tell them, but if it is in writing there will be a file that it will go into!
NO MORE PETER!!! Katy!!! You HAVE to be listened to and not rambling or not getting to the point. I want you to type a letter and send it to all of these guys! Because I don't think you will tell them, but if it is in writing there will be a file that it will go into!
Me too! Thats why I am really confused as to why the Psychiatrist wants to meet with him? Why do they feel its relevant? It , if anything will make me worse. I cant believe what vrystal meths can do to a person. Thinking about doing my thesis on alcohol and cocaines abusers/addicits . God I never though Id ever been in this sh*t.
I do have a big file at w/a, so that might help. Its got to a point where they even know who I am
I still dont understand why they want to meet with him-its irrelevant and another different line of enquiry ( when I think about it) I was an addict before i had children!
The other thing to mention is this. He has had 12 /13 years to do something/anything about his job 9 that hes so miserable in ) its shift work, and as far as Im concerned its really underpaid. I mean if I do go and get aother houe, and he has to pay maintenance he want be able to pay rent-etc buy food, Not unless hes money stashed away that I dont know about ( which is very possible)
I statrted working part time when Alex was 9 months, and every peny I made was shifted back into the so called house hold jar . i didnt see much of it at that time. Then when we moved into his brothers house Id have to give him my 10 pounds for the rent to feed to his brother who then willy nillie would decide to popo up the rent when ever they fancied it.
ENOUGH! Looking over the last 12 years -on all of it-and I know its always the way when divorces are in place "it was NEVER any godd blah blah blah. I dont care the bad outweighs the good tooo much. i sdont care if my fmily think what is she doing now? i dont care how low can I go? My children DO not want their mummy to go-they want daddy to go-theyve told me. I might rage someimes because of pms, I might get snappie because ther is absolutely no respect-but I DONT IRRationsally turn-like what ? o.O Is it a full moon? No, Katy you put just a little too many chilli peppers in the dinner. God, looking back I remeber having a baby attached to my nipple sooking away , while I cooked tea for him and his dad, which I had to fathom up, and then them both giving Hmmm yeah its lovely and then leaving it, and then getting to ap oint where id cook and hed just instanetaneously get up and bin it, yet would never cook for me and so on, Now I dont god damn cook for him. My sister once cooked him a meal right, we all sat down and he started picking at the meal.My sister got really offended and said"The peppers , are they too small?" He got up and screamed "f**k OFF, AND tipped his plate of food away. My sster actually sat shaking while we both hit the bottle and I said to her "YOu cant feed what he dishes-it antagonises" Now its an ongoing joke between her and I -what were the garlic chunks too big.you were hospitalised becuase , you what, you didnt cut the onions up small enough?
Actually, the funny thing is-I cant see how he does have a leg to stand on..yeah he can start this" Shes a irresponsible pisshead. I fight back yeah I drink , but I functin an dyou drink tooo, then he can go down the road of incompetence. (well no he cant, he doesnt even know how to wrap a sandwhcif for the girls. he doesnt even cuddle the girls or show them any kind of affection He doesnt take them both out together and treat them fairly he takes one out, or the other.. Anyway, Ive my mums back up , her partners back up....my sister ack up. Even if the physicl abuese doesnt show itself, i have the financila harm , and the emotional harm to be supported, regardless if I get a bit tysy at night
Just curious, but do Coca cola put more sugar i their drink at this time of year?Or is it just because Christamas is just arounf the corner? Dont mention Christams? i dont think my period is ever going to arrive. I hate the week before.
Oh god, alex has lost her brace. this is stange. well she wrapped it in bog roll and placed it above the toilet, next to the toilet flush...Oh oh, here we go I thought it was a dirty piece of bog roll so flung it down the lou ( thining why would anyone leave bog roll on the top of the lou0right so then i give it some thought as the flush is going brr, and realise sh*t ! no! Manage to retrieve the damn thing , had to sterilise it and eveything, ...didnt teel, then put it on the window shelf in the lou. Looked at everytime with OmG look, then and now its lost . we cant find it fo rlove or wnat. Weel alex and daddy rang the orthodontist and apparently they tink the cats eaten it or somethin o.O According to them it will taste salty What a nightmare!!!
dawn Im too scared to tkae citalopram, in case its that thats causing all my panic.Yesterday was awful and I reckon I was close to ending up in hospital. god-did youknow that someone who self harms, like cuts themselves are unlikey to get pain relief when getting put back together, because"they did it to themselves"(Thats ridiculous.) Maybe so-but did they bloody well ask to be borned? Did they? Did they ask to be human , did they ask to live the life chances they were fed? did they? thats rridiculous and surely part of it is you should be treating the patient to self respect more than enjoy pain ( grrr!) You did it to yourself...Eff off with that theory saddistic doctors-reallyangers me? Its not a lesson is it? yeah yeah, so that hurt, so heres osmemore, sorry, and then the doctors bloody well wonder why thetrre back in with severed veins the following week..grrr! Causing yourself pain is totallly different than someone else causing you pain a nd forcing them on you. causing yourself pain.ts controlled, you can stop at any given time, and I dont know, maybe it reduces anxiety-I kind fo get that-its like look heres some real pain - what you wrorried about? But you dont know when a thereat is going to stop-you havent a clue if you will be alive or dead, and when somone causes you that much grief your scared to un for being chased, your scared to scream for making him worse , your scared to physically move, and hiding seems about the only option. Aklex said it the otheter day"Im a bee, can I go back in my hive" I thought o.O (wow!-brainiac!)
hes off next week, and ive got a meeting on Monday ( which I didnt thik id make) with the drinks nurse-ill discuss this meeting thing with her. i dont really se the point. Then everytime I go I get breathilised, and im always Nope no alcohol.. Anyway, i might go for another snoze. need to work on essay today as Im starting to get really stressed up about it-why could I do it? God yeah, Im the only one from the east coast on that course, and boy did I get a slagging. Something was mentionaed about our stipid goverment-their spending all this on the tram( a posh bus) and so on yet, 574 people died last year due to drug intake-nothing else, and these people were not giventhe adequate care-why havent they thought about having a joint system apporach . You know, hospitalise thme for a couple of days....have the c**p approach up and running and if it tunrs on them taking them back in, until something hits home with them, plus they can get toxicity levels lowered and uppered depending on the dependance but wsurely that would increase their life chances..Why does it seem like theris only one appraoch or another, theres no in between, they need an in between system. Not a chotic care system -when youve the patient pleeting allovetr the country looking-rliant on someone else who may even not ba baable to tunr up. though having dasaid that , this drinks place that I go to I would say there more on the ball than anything, but its still chaos, its still no one really knows that I d been crying under my duvet for a good few hours before leaving and going to talk to that Psychiatrist. no one really knows the state I was in yesterday, Not iun less a strathclyde police report was sent to waverley statin , No one really knows
I do have a big file at w/a, so that might help. Its got to a point where they even know who I am
I still dont understand why they want to meet with him-its irrelevant and another different line of enquiry ( when I think about it) I was an addict before i had children!
The other thing to mention is this. He has had 12 /13 years to do something/anything about his job 9 that hes so miserable in ) its shift work, and as far as Im concerned its really underpaid. I mean if I do go and get aother houe, and he has to pay maintenance he want be able to pay rent-etc buy food, Not unless hes money stashed away that I dont know about ( which is very possible)
I statrted working part time when Alex was 9 months, and every peny I made was shifted back into the so called house hold jar . i didnt see much of it at that time. Then when we moved into his brothers house Id have to give him my 10 pounds for the rent to feed to his brother who then willy nillie would decide to popo up the rent when ever they fancied it.
ENOUGH! Looking over the last 12 years -on all of it-and I know its always the way when divorces are in place "it was NEVER any godd blah blah blah. I dont care the bad outweighs the good tooo much. i sdont care if my fmily think what is she doing now? i dont care how low can I go? My children DO not want their mummy to go-they want daddy to go-theyve told me. I might rage someimes because of pms, I might get snappie because ther is absolutely no respect-but I DONT IRRationsally turn-like what ? o.O Is it a full moon? No, Katy you put just a little too many chilli peppers in the dinner. God, looking back I remeber having a baby attached to my nipple sooking away , while I cooked tea for him and his dad, which I had to fathom up, and then them both giving Hmmm yeah its lovely and then leaving it, and then getting to ap oint where id cook and hed just instanetaneously get up and bin it, yet would never cook for me and so on, Now I dont god damn cook for him. My sister once cooked him a meal right, we all sat down and he started picking at the meal.My sister got really offended and said"The peppers , are they too small?" He got up and screamed "f**k OFF, AND tipped his plate of food away. My sster actually sat shaking while we both hit the bottle and I said to her "YOu cant feed what he dishes-it antagonises" Now its an ongoing joke between her and I -what were the garlic chunks too big.you were hospitalised becuase , you what, you didnt cut the onions up small enough?
Actually, the funny thing is-I cant see how he does have a leg to stand on..yeah he can start this" Shes a irresponsible pisshead. I fight back yeah I drink , but I functin an dyou drink tooo, then he can go down the road of incompetence. (well no he cant, he doesnt even know how to wrap a sandwhcif for the girls. he doesnt even cuddle the girls or show them any kind of affection He doesnt take them both out together and treat them fairly he takes one out, or the other.. Anyway, Ive my mums back up , her partners back up....my sister ack up. Even if the physicl abuese doesnt show itself, i have the financila harm , and the emotional harm to be supported, regardless if I get a bit tysy at night
Just curious, but do Coca cola put more sugar i their drink at this time of year?Or is it just because Christamas is just arounf the corner? Dont mention Christams? i dont think my period is ever going to arrive. I hate the week before.
Oh god, alex has lost her brace. this is stange. well she wrapped it in bog roll and placed it above the toilet, next to the toilet flush...Oh oh, here we go I thought it was a dirty piece of bog roll so flung it down the lou ( thining why would anyone leave bog roll on the top of the lou0right so then i give it some thought as the flush is going brr, and realise sh*t ! no! Manage to retrieve the damn thing , had to sterilise it and eveything, ...didnt teel, then put it on the window shelf in the lou. Looked at everytime with OmG look, then and now its lost . we cant find it fo rlove or wnat. Weel alex and daddy rang the orthodontist and apparently they tink the cats eaten it or somethin o.O According to them it will taste salty What a nightmare!!!
dawn Im too scared to tkae citalopram, in case its that thats causing all my panic.Yesterday was awful and I reckon I was close to ending up in hospital. god-did youknow that someone who self harms, like cuts themselves are unlikey to get pain relief when getting put back together, because"they did it to themselves"(Thats ridiculous.) Maybe so-but did they bloody well ask to be borned? Did they? Did they ask to be human , did they ask to live the life chances they were fed? did they? thats rridiculous and surely part of it is you should be treating the patient to self respect more than enjoy pain ( grrr!) You did it to yourself...Eff off with that theory saddistic doctors-reallyangers me? Its not a lesson is it? yeah yeah, so that hurt, so heres osmemore, sorry, and then the doctors bloody well wonder why thetrre back in with severed veins the following week..grrr! Causing yourself pain is totallly different than someone else causing you pain a nd forcing them on you. causing yourself pain.ts controlled, you can stop at any given time, and I dont know, maybe it reduces anxiety-I kind fo get that-its like look heres some real pain - what you wrorried about? But you dont know when a thereat is going to stop-you havent a clue if you will be alive or dead, and when somone causes you that much grief your scared to un for being chased, your scared to scream for making him worse , your scared to physically move, and hiding seems about the only option. Aklex said it the otheter day"Im a bee, can I go back in my hive" I thought o.O (wow!-brainiac!)
hes off next week, and ive got a meeting on Monday ( which I didnt thik id make) with the drinks nurse-ill discuss this meeting thing with her. i dont really se the point. Then everytime I go I get breathilised, and im always Nope no alcohol.. Anyway, i might go for another snoze. need to work on essay today as Im starting to get really stressed up about it-why could I do it? God yeah, Im the only one from the east coast on that course, and boy did I get a slagging. Something was mentionaed about our stipid goverment-their spending all this on the tram( a posh bus) and so on yet, 574 people died last year due to drug intake-nothing else, and these people were not giventhe adequate care-why havent they thought about having a joint system apporach . You know, hospitalise thme for a couple of days....have the c**p approach up and running and if it tunrs on them taking them back in, until something hits home with them, plus they can get toxicity levels lowered and uppered depending on the dependance but wsurely that would increase their life chances..Why does it seem like theris only one appraoch or another, theres no in between, they need an in between system. Not a chotic care system -when youve the patient pleeting allovetr the country looking-rliant on someone else who may even not ba baable to tunr up. though having dasaid that , this drinks place that I go to I would say there more on the ball than anything, but its still chaos, its still no one really knows that I d been crying under my duvet for a good few hours before leaving and going to talk to that Psychiatrist. no one really knows the state I was in yesterday, Not iun less a strathclyde police report was sent to waverley statin , No one really knows
Hmeya-its so not good. dont even have a lwayer anymore. Im looking through my risk esay plan-im wondering if they want us to do the essy on suicide rather than what I had been planning, as theyve handed out lots of journals on the topic but nothing on anything else. Oh sh*t -ive done it wrong agin.
feel this morning, whacked my arm and bright pink bruise has come up Weirsd coz I didnt think id hurt myself that bad.
Well , sod it , Ive gone back up to 20mgs today as I didnt want a day like yesterday.why does life have to be so complicated
Do you think olbas oil could damage your face like crystal meths does-coz thats scary
Ok-Ill see the nurse on Monday and speak with her. Even if she turns round and says "Look, this n that has happened-but all we have to do is keep me clean for a while or foreverso lets do this blah blah blah" i remeber now why he has asked to see my ex and he said it was to understand his plan.
Woke this morning with pain in my back between my shoulders so went back to bed. Kids have gone to grannies, so im going to see if I can get on with things a litte.
Hope your all right.
Do you think I am an abusive person?
feel this morning, whacked my arm and bright pink bruise has come up Weirsd coz I didnt think id hurt myself that bad.
Well , sod it , Ive gone back up to 20mgs today as I didnt want a day like yesterday.why does life have to be so complicated
Do you think olbas oil could damage your face like crystal meths does-coz thats scary
Ok-Ill see the nurse on Monday and speak with her. Even if she turns round and says "Look, this n that has happened-but all we have to do is keep me clean for a while or foreverso lets do this blah blah blah" i remeber now why he has asked to see my ex and he said it was to understand his plan.
Woke this morning with pain in my back between my shoulders so went back to bed. Kids have gone to grannies, so im going to see if I can get on with things a litte.
Hope your all right.
Do you think I am an abusive person?
Abusive? NO! Stuborn and will NOT listen?! YES!!!!!
You can't mess around with the Citalopram Katy! You HAVE to get an allergy test, you are obiously allergic to something, but as usual you insist on not getting tested!!! >:( I don't get it actually!
What I am worried about is your lack of remembering doctors visits! This obviously shows that you have an attention problem! If you can only remember bits and bytes of a regular meeting, that means you are shutting it out! I think that this along with your denial and protection instinct, you don't want to tell them what is happening and you don't want to know their response.
What kind of things are in your "big file"? And who is that with? and what does w/a mean? And when you say "where they even know who I am" whom are "they"?
You can't mess around with the Citalopram Katy! You HAVE to get an allergy test, you are obiously allergic to something, but as usual you insist on not getting tested!!! >:( I don't get it actually!
What I am worried about is your lack of remembering doctors visits! This obviously shows that you have an attention problem! If you can only remember bits and bytes of a regular meeting, that means you are shutting it out! I think that this along with your denial and protection instinct, you don't want to tell them what is happening and you don't want to know their response.
What kind of things are in your "big file"? And who is that with? and what does w/a mean? And when you say "where they even know who I am" whom are "they"?
Womans aid have a file on me. What do you mean im stubborn(lol!)?
Well ive written 800 words and wonder if I should see an educational psychologist regardging my grammar. So far-PANTS! is the word of today. Its pants! Ive been writing about the problems with instituionalising folks and detntion centers and balblah blah, and im bored dry and bored , and bored and this is dry dry stuff-maybe I should pour some water on it....cause its making me feel dehydrated and its all pants its the same thing whatever way you look at it do I have to do this punishment foor breathing thing?
Cuddled up with becca and watched merlin. hes been at his mums, ( shes been realy ill -had some breathing problems and she cant walk up and down the stairs)Its a bit worrying as the kids bolted out the door cause they were going to grannys.
Anyway, hes been fed brandy and is actin like he owns the world. Argh!! Ive got to a point where im stuck and feeling the pressure-im not stuck just cant get the link form old to new. Okay so I am stuck-could you iunstick me from this situation please?
Sometimes I hate sitting in the living room cause he starts taliking to me. I hate when he talks to me like everything is normal. its not normal his behaviour is not normal and I think im going mad!!!! >;) 8-|
Oh god, whilst i was having panic going to college the other day this woman walked by me-she must have been about 70. Had both her arms stretched out , bright pink hair ( her arms were like she was imaginging she was cuddling somone) she had lipstick half way up her check, a big furry fake coat on-I wonder what Ill be like if I ever make it to thatt age? It didnt stop me panicing though -damn thought Id got that sorted.
Apparently if you drink and abuse cocaine its been found that your body makes a chemical that kills of your kidneys. Hmm maybe I should give it ago.( Only joking!) Honestly this is the dangerous thing, you learn all the trickss...tell mme more haha!
I dont know , I think someone should take a look at this olbas oil. see it leaked and all the stuff around the lid has gone like glue-if thats up my nose-hmm-what is that??/
God my sister got so graphic on the phone. she was telling me about all her intimate details with her new boyfriend...I was like I dont get that Ive not got that in years. and she said well thats because you did it when you were 5 and didnt knkwwhat you were doing? What eh? She was so funny on the phone so funny she had be rolling about the place laughing-dont talk about what ii was like when I was 5...My poor mum must have been ripping her head out her hair. I did some mental things.My older sister seems to remeber a lot more than what I do-or rather, she just reminds me and I go "Oh no! I never.
Now, I feel guilty cause ive so much homework to do...I dont have to sit exams-this is the weirdeset course ever. You cant pack everything into a 3000 word essay 2xs over-welll i cant.
Okay, the FILE at womans aid. right I thik ive been up about 5 or maybe 6 times -each time ive phoned itd been documented too.it I cant actually rember what theyve got about meI just know its there.
where was I/ Oh yeah rambling about an essay-hmmm better get of this pc before i get shouted at!
Well ive written 800 words and wonder if I should see an educational psychologist regardging my grammar. So far-PANTS! is the word of today. Its pants! Ive been writing about the problems with instituionalising folks and detntion centers and balblah blah, and im bored dry and bored , and bored and this is dry dry stuff-maybe I should pour some water on it....cause its making me feel dehydrated and its all pants its the same thing whatever way you look at it do I have to do this punishment foor breathing thing?
Cuddled up with becca and watched merlin. hes been at his mums, ( shes been realy ill -had some breathing problems and she cant walk up and down the stairs)Its a bit worrying as the kids bolted out the door cause they were going to grannys.
Anyway, hes been fed brandy and is actin like he owns the world. Argh!! Ive got to a point where im stuck and feeling the pressure-im not stuck just cant get the link form old to new. Okay so I am stuck-could you iunstick me from this situation please?
Sometimes I hate sitting in the living room cause he starts taliking to me. I hate when he talks to me like everything is normal. its not normal his behaviour is not normal and I think im going mad!!!! >;) 8-|
Oh god, whilst i was having panic going to college the other day this woman walked by me-she must have been about 70. Had both her arms stretched out , bright pink hair ( her arms were like she was imaginging she was cuddling somone) she had lipstick half way up her check, a big furry fake coat on-I wonder what Ill be like if I ever make it to thatt age? It didnt stop me panicing though -damn thought Id got that sorted.
Apparently if you drink and abuse cocaine its been found that your body makes a chemical that kills of your kidneys. Hmm maybe I should give it ago.( Only joking!) Honestly this is the dangerous thing, you learn all the trickss...tell mme more haha!
I dont know , I think someone should take a look at this olbas oil. see it leaked and all the stuff around the lid has gone like glue-if thats up my nose-hmm-what is that??/
God my sister got so graphic on the phone. she was telling me about all her intimate details with her new boyfriend...I was like I dont get that Ive not got that in years. and she said well thats because you did it when you were 5 and didnt knkwwhat you were doing? What eh? She was so funny on the phone so funny she had be rolling about the place laughing-dont talk about what ii was like when I was 5...My poor mum must have been ripping her head out her hair. I did some mental things.My older sister seems to remeber a lot more than what I do-or rather, she just reminds me and I go "Oh no! I never.
Now, I feel guilty cause ive so much homework to do...I dont have to sit exams-this is the weirdeset course ever. You cant pack everything into a 3000 word essay 2xs over-welll i cant.
Okay, the FILE at womans aid. right I thik ive been up about 5 or maybe 6 times -each time ive phoned itd been documented too.it I cant actually rember what theyve got about meI just know its there.
where was I/ Oh yeah rambling about an essay-hmmm better get of this pc before i get shouted at!
Bambi- I cant do it!
I did this thing last night. I used to do this all the time when I was younger.But just switchedd off, plugged my headphones on and decided to dance for a couple of hours to music. it was fun but the come down was a bit sh*t. I used to blame this on eating tons of chocolate, but yesterday i didnt have any.also I just cant do this anymore.i cant! I want to just stay in bed-be left alone. I feel horrible. i dont wat to be here.
its funny ow its ben such a long time, yet everything still seems new to me-and i was thinking about this: That I feel guilty t, that I probably did kill my twin-I have this weird memory of tit-and even though we couldnt talk or scream I have this memoery of "theres not enough room in here, its either you or me"I dont know If ive made it up over the years, I dont know, but its therethen I feel guilty.Perhaps they he/she would have made more use of life and enjoyed it better.
I dont know.I just dont feel great.
I did this thing last night. I used to do this all the time when I was younger.But just switchedd off, plugged my headphones on and decided to dance for a couple of hours to music. it was fun but the come down was a bit sh*t. I used to blame this on eating tons of chocolate, but yesterday i didnt have any.also I just cant do this anymore.i cant! I want to just stay in bed-be left alone. I feel horrible. i dont wat to be here.
its funny ow its ben such a long time, yet everything still seems new to me-and i was thinking about this: That I feel guilty t, that I probably did kill my twin-I have this weird memory of tit-and even though we couldnt talk or scream I have this memoery of "theres not enough room in here, its either you or me"I dont know If ive made it up over the years, I dont know, but its therethen I feel guilty.Perhaps they he/she would have made more use of life and enjoyed it better.
I dont know.I just dont feel great.
He keeps going out with the girls-without me being apart of anything >:( I feel so sick about it. Then I ask him"did those lawyers letters mean anything?" ( stuppid reall, he shrugs and says"katy, your sick"
If im so sick , why can I see this is wrong. why ? weve no moeny, hes i dont even have a clue what he earns, never mind the fact that im buying the food in , and getting the childrens school stuff sorte blah blah, but as I am su ch a tool-I dont want to een do this-I feel hurt that hes doing this. They are my children and this is kiling em.. he thinks its funny that I tried to get an interdict on him, he thinks its funny that I have said this and that about him, Hes walking away and laughing. and i resent my lawyer at this particular moment as much as I do him ,for basically stating that this guy "isnt whacking you black and blue all the time and there isnt enough evidience-the way I feel he should be sued for emotional and psychologial , and betrayal of the law, doctors time, for mal practice" Im really angry-im sorry, but if someone did this isn the street, if someone did this to me, I would have them arerested and NOT feel guilty, because its wrong. its wrong hes eating me, hes ate my body and hes eating me. I hate him , and in fact im starting to hate the way men think .Which is such a sweeping generalisation
I want to dissapear.Im actually thinking about buggering off somewher where no one can find me. Im fed up with all of it. Fingers pointing at me, and peopl saying"shes an alcoholic-look at the state of her" Even if someone pretned s to sit and listen or tries to understand, they haven tgot a clue, not really not about any of it.
You know the only time I ever stopped drinking -well my grandad died from stomach and bowel cancer. i walked to the hospital everyday. he was given 6 months, but he actually had a year. By the end of it he said this"Im sorry, Im sorry that your hear as this place is sh*t" The entire time he was ill , his mind was there. He had the bad morphene days but really his mind was intacked. He used to go to the lou and not get help and sit in the lou as he couldnt sort thing out himslef, so nobody would know where hed gone.
Then ther was the mad old guy, used to strip all his clothes off and try and make a great escape. The police had to go hunting for this elderly naked guy running about a train station-but the good thing was, as my grandad was all mentally intact-hed find it amusing despite lying in bed in agony. After he died, I went of the beaten track so to speak, for a while Igot so drunkk I d end up in other poeoles beds. My flatmates wondered where on earth I was-or didnt care They used to wonder why all I did was get pissed then go for a bath. Huh. i lived on a street in Glasgow at one point m, I had just finished having a bath , and this guy broke into our flat, ran into the toilet and played with something. My flatmate, at thta time was a bit okay Id describe it as bouncy , well she ran out screaming after him-but little did she know hed been round the whole stair wayand the FBI were on to him. We had to go to court and everything as he was stacking drugs in our flat vents.( trhank god I wasnt still in the bath!)
Anyway, at some point there was this guy that I didnt really like anyway, but he was so forceful, and to say I was a little scared would be ridiculous-I was terrified of him-I ened up back at his as I hadnt quite manage that Im not guilty ive done nothing-just because he bought me a drink 2 weeks ago doesnt mean i owe him anything0say no and b****r off" i HADNT got that in my head.i felt as if id strung him along and that iw as getting what i deserved. i the end nothing happened . i locked myself in his bog for a few hours and he feel asleep. But it was a turning point for me, I didnt drink for months after that, I didnt go out, i didnt do very much when I think about it. I remebr getting down but fighting it because there were good thing to enjoy, sweets .i dont know, this is the thing though-alchol takes away the reall pain, it burns it out a little, then theres the life is less broing factor, pls the oh is that ht etime. When I was younger I used to eat chocolate, and mum being mu m would say "Youll get to be the side of a house eating that" or do ont eat that at this time of night, you will get fat" and then yet make us sit and eat pie that made us guy till 9 pm at night at the table...so I used to trun round and really piss her off..."well mum, it helps to pass the time"anyway. I mgoing to go now. I guess i better get on eith the day. I dont know I dont wnat to ake that citalopram stuff if it is whats causeng me tobum pabout, but yesterday was altogether a better day. But I think im definitely allergic to it. my nose is swollen abnd believe me, when youve been called concorde lady you dont realy want it any bigger. Right going now. essays washing kids school clothes, lunches, hoover put away aundry -goe dream about having a botle of wine, essay time, stay up till propbably all night.....try some sleep. probbaly sleep in for school time, get to wrok dream a little, go home , have a meal , essay time, reading time, popo up to the other sie of town speak to nurse, hopefully not get detained, come home teas, brownies , rainbows, eaay time-beg for wine, dont sleep, late f for school , up go to work big black bags, curse and swear that they dont know why they are paying me, yet im standing out waiting for them to open shop. feel embarassed abotu the facts they all know what ive been up to, feel really low and that there is definately the younger people that seem to love themselves so much that what I do is so so bad. What Im doing is so so bad. They havent got a clue!!! I know people that can drink wine and snort coacaine and they function better than, pmt mr snobby, than okay me, I know doctors, lawyers, dentist astranuaghts, bus drivers, taxi drivers , clinical psychs people, nurses comapny directors, that drink a bottle of wine on the train before going to meetings. I know teachers that drink ( in fact I would honestly sya they are driven to distraction and need a distraction. lawyers probably just feel guilty because of the realisatin that ther hjob is of no benefit. Psychologists psychiatristr, because ther eso wound up and ant stop thinking, Doctors because they have people like me, and then they have to deal with the true nature of lie-which I find really scary. Bus drivers bbecuase they fear harassment and really the liklihood of having a crash is not likely considering theres a big green way line....if you miss that you should be registered blind-did I say I was going to go? Im going to go now! Im just bleeing like a sheep!
If im so sick , why can I see this is wrong. why ? weve no moeny, hes i dont even have a clue what he earns, never mind the fact that im buying the food in , and getting the childrens school stuff sorte blah blah, but as I am su ch a tool-I dont want to een do this-I feel hurt that hes doing this. They are my children and this is kiling em.. he thinks its funny that I tried to get an interdict on him, he thinks its funny that I have said this and that about him, Hes walking away and laughing. and i resent my lawyer at this particular moment as much as I do him ,for basically stating that this guy "isnt whacking you black and blue all the time and there isnt enough evidience-the way I feel he should be sued for emotional and psychologial , and betrayal of the law, doctors time, for mal practice" Im really angry-im sorry, but if someone did this isn the street, if someone did this to me, I would have them arerested and NOT feel guilty, because its wrong. its wrong hes eating me, hes ate my body and hes eating me. I hate him , and in fact im starting to hate the way men think .Which is such a sweeping generalisation
I want to dissapear.Im actually thinking about buggering off somewher where no one can find me. Im fed up with all of it. Fingers pointing at me, and peopl saying"shes an alcoholic-look at the state of her" Even if someone pretned s to sit and listen or tries to understand, they haven tgot a clue, not really not about any of it.
You know the only time I ever stopped drinking -well my grandad died from stomach and bowel cancer. i walked to the hospital everyday. he was given 6 months, but he actually had a year. By the end of it he said this"Im sorry, Im sorry that your hear as this place is sh*t" The entire time he was ill , his mind was there. He had the bad morphene days but really his mind was intacked. He used to go to the lou and not get help and sit in the lou as he couldnt sort thing out himslef, so nobody would know where hed gone.
Then ther was the mad old guy, used to strip all his clothes off and try and make a great escape. The police had to go hunting for this elderly naked guy running about a train station-but the good thing was, as my grandad was all mentally intact-hed find it amusing despite lying in bed in agony. After he died, I went of the beaten track so to speak, for a while Igot so drunkk I d end up in other poeoles beds. My flatmates wondered where on earth I was-or didnt care They used to wonder why all I did was get pissed then go for a bath. Huh. i lived on a street in Glasgow at one point m, I had just finished having a bath , and this guy broke into our flat, ran into the toilet and played with something. My flatmate, at thta time was a bit okay Id describe it as bouncy , well she ran out screaming after him-but little did she know hed been round the whole stair wayand the FBI were on to him. We had to go to court and everything as he was stacking drugs in our flat vents.( trhank god I wasnt still in the bath!)
Anyway, at some point there was this guy that I didnt really like anyway, but he was so forceful, and to say I was a little scared would be ridiculous-I was terrified of him-I ened up back at his as I hadnt quite manage that Im not guilty ive done nothing-just because he bought me a drink 2 weeks ago doesnt mean i owe him anything0say no and b****r off" i HADNT got that in my head.i felt as if id strung him along and that iw as getting what i deserved. i the end nothing happened . i locked myself in his bog for a few hours and he feel asleep. But it was a turning point for me, I didnt drink for months after that, I didnt go out, i didnt do very much when I think about it. I remebr getting down but fighting it because there were good thing to enjoy, sweets .i dont know, this is the thing though-alchol takes away the reall pain, it burns it out a little, then theres the life is less broing factor, pls the oh is that ht etime. When I was younger I used to eat chocolate, and mum being mu m would say "Youll get to be the side of a house eating that" or do ont eat that at this time of night, you will get fat" and then yet make us sit and eat pie that made us guy till 9 pm at night at the table...so I used to trun round and really piss her off..."well mum, it helps to pass the time"anyway. I mgoing to go now. I guess i better get on eith the day. I dont know I dont wnat to ake that citalopram stuff if it is whats causeng me tobum pabout, but yesterday was altogether a better day. But I think im definitely allergic to it. my nose is swollen abnd believe me, when youve been called concorde lady you dont realy want it any bigger. Right going now. essays washing kids school clothes, lunches, hoover put away aundry -goe dream about having a botle of wine, essay time, stay up till propbably all night.....try some sleep. probbaly sleep in for school time, get to wrok dream a little, go home , have a meal , essay time, reading time, popo up to the other sie of town speak to nurse, hopefully not get detained, come home teas, brownies , rainbows, eaay time-beg for wine, dont sleep, late f for school , up go to work big black bags, curse and swear that they dont know why they are paying me, yet im standing out waiting for them to open shop. feel embarassed abotu the facts they all know what ive been up to, feel really low and that there is definately the younger people that seem to love themselves so much that what I do is so so bad. What Im doing is so so bad. They havent got a clue!!! I know people that can drink wine and snort coacaine and they function better than, pmt mr snobby, than okay me, I know doctors, lawyers, dentist astranuaghts, bus drivers, taxi drivers , clinical psychs people, nurses comapny directors, that drink a bottle of wine on the train before going to meetings. I know teachers that drink ( in fact I would honestly sya they are driven to distraction and need a distraction. lawyers probably just feel guilty because of the realisatin that ther hjob is of no benefit. Psychologists psychiatristr, because ther eso wound up and ant stop thinking, Doctors because they have people like me, and then they have to deal with the true nature of lie-which I find really scary. Bus drivers bbecuase they fear harassment and really the liklihood of having a crash is not likely considering theres a big green way line....if you miss that you should be registered blind-did I say I was going to go? Im going to go now! Im just bleeing like a sheep!
My god 3 pm-and thinking about gtting up!!!! Just as welll he took the children out.
Im thinking okay-your right .he winning - not that I see it as one big game-but i guess it is just that. I dont like to thin aout it like that though considering ym children are little people with feelings. anyway,im not going to stay here for too long. ive been cuddling my cat, and talking to him about stuuff. h eblinks at me all the time and does this thing with his paw-like someone putting his hand on you and saying "it will be ok". Ive beenthinknig about people that Ive lost, and how its so irreversible-time that is???? Honestly even though I drank before. i had a sense of thats enough-fun over.Now go do some work. and I did have ambition-and I didnt think Id ever let anything like this happen. i was confident id even put weight on I was a good 9 stone. anyway.I m still sniffing olbas oil -well it helps me to realx it that all it does.id better go and catch up before the children come home.
Im thinking okay-your right .he winning - not that I see it as one big game-but i guess it is just that. I dont like to thin aout it like that though considering ym children are little people with feelings. anyway,im not going to stay here for too long. ive been cuddling my cat, and talking to him about stuuff. h eblinks at me all the time and does this thing with his paw-like someone putting his hand on you and saying "it will be ok". Ive beenthinknig about people that Ive lost, and how its so irreversible-time that is???? Honestly even though I drank before. i had a sense of thats enough-fun over.Now go do some work. and I did have ambition-and I didnt think Id ever let anything like this happen. i was confident id even put weight on I was a good 9 stone. anyway.I m still sniffing olbas oil -well it helps me to realx it that all it does.id better go and catch up before the children come home.
Someimtes I dont even realise how often I post here in one day. ive got my period and my kidneys ( at leas I think its my kidneys are really sore, so sore that I cant stand sup straight). Do yuou think it weird to have a bath for an hour and ab it, I had to get out cause I was falling to sleep
Ive such bad period pain. I thought this was suposed to get better at my age and as I have 2 children not worse..I feel like my body is being sucked out my --oh nevermind that. So decided no study for me today.Grr.
My ex is on holiday all next week. the children-well they went shopping for toys today-theyd saved some pocket money and came home really happy. I love them so much! They just come in my room and kis me and then say"look what I got mummy: My girls are really really special. the more I think what I alone have put thme throughthe more I think how special they really are.
I love how, at the moment, its so unconditional. I tell them I love them and they reply"we love you more" if isay Imsorry Im a rubbish mummy today-they argue my case for me.They are so loving! I dont want to hurt them!I dont knkow about you, and even from the beginning, when i fell pregnant with my first child, I feltt there was more stigma attached to me being young and naive, and finacially unstable, that I would be a c**p mum. The moment I saw my child, i cried. I remeber , like every mum , that first glimpse, you can see yourself your partner, even your grandad, aunt, sister...you can see it all and you know where things come from when they come up. There isnt anything more special than your own children! There just isnt. Its worth the roler coaster, although, if I was to do it older than what I was, im not so sure id even think about doing it again, as it is stressful and tiring, and most of all worrying. Im worried about how to deal with, when to let them go, when to let them be a little more independant and travel to the shops alone.Its a big city and I worry for them.
Right now, i realy just want some time alone, to sort it all out.Though thats not posible.i was thinking about begging them to put me in hospital so I could just read and do my essays. i was thinking that alone would be a relief. But what would I tell my folks."yes mum, Im in rehab". if that happened my mum would be on my case like a ton weight and thats the kind of thing i couldnt abide. im having an affair with alcohol nad at least I admit it.So anyway, im curious about this one, why do people put ice cubes u peoples rectums to sober them up????? I know when I was 14 or 15 when i ended up in hospital , I was put in a bath of ice-not sure why i also have no recolection. i woke new years day 1997 with my mum at my side and feeling extremly worried-was ther a car crash?? No "Katy Ill have words with you when we get home" Oh sh*t! So I drank-but I remeber not drinking more than any of the others-but I hadnt eaten, I remeber falling asleep and telling them to leave me alone, and then they dragged me out as they want ed to go underaged drinking-I didnt make it. No ne knew what I had done, i dont even know whaat I did to this day, i was head in toe covered in mud by the time I was found, and covered in vomit! I still wonder what I did? I know it was all this time ago, but I dont think I ever really change despite most folks say I cant believe that was me 10 years ago-I still fel the same person. Concrete looks the same, but this building of this tram thingy has done my head in . i thought the ground was solid and now I see things beneath it which make me think what?? what is that???Why is it not total concrete? Could we keep on digging and find ourselves in Australia> I wish! Okay got to go.
I love how, at the moment, its so unconditional. I tell them I love them and they reply"we love you more" if isay Imsorry Im a rubbish mummy today-they argue my case for me.They are so loving! I dont want to hurt them!I dont knkow about you, and even from the beginning, when i fell pregnant with my first child, I feltt there was more stigma attached to me being young and naive, and finacially unstable, that I would be a c**p mum. The moment I saw my child, i cried. I remeber , like every mum , that first glimpse, you can see yourself your partner, even your grandad, aunt, sister...you can see it all and you know where things come from when they come up. There isnt anything more special than your own children! There just isnt. Its worth the roler coaster, although, if I was to do it older than what I was, im not so sure id even think about doing it again, as it is stressful and tiring, and most of all worrying. Im worried about how to deal with, when to let them go, when to let them be a little more independant and travel to the shops alone.Its a big city and I worry for them.
Right now, i realy just want some time alone, to sort it all out.Though thats not posible.i was thinking about begging them to put me in hospital so I could just read and do my essays. i was thinking that alone would be a relief. But what would I tell my folks."yes mum, Im in rehab". if that happened my mum would be on my case like a ton weight and thats the kind of thing i couldnt abide. im having an affair with alcohol nad at least I admit it.So anyway, im curious about this one, why do people put ice cubes u peoples rectums to sober them up????? I know when I was 14 or 15 when i ended up in hospital , I was put in a bath of ice-not sure why i also have no recolection. i woke new years day 1997 with my mum at my side and feeling extremly worried-was ther a car crash?? No "Katy Ill have words with you when we get home" Oh sh*t! So I drank-but I remeber not drinking more than any of the others-but I hadnt eaten, I remeber falling asleep and telling them to leave me alone, and then they dragged me out as they want ed to go underaged drinking-I didnt make it. No ne knew what I had done, i dont even know whaat I did to this day, i was head in toe covered in mud by the time I was found, and covered in vomit! I still wonder what I did? I know it was all this time ago, but I dont think I ever really change despite most folks say I cant believe that was me 10 years ago-I still fel the same person. Concrete looks the same, but this building of this tram thingy has done my head in . i thought the ground was solid and now I see things beneath it which make me think what?? what is that???Why is it not total concrete? Could we keep on digging and find ourselves in Australia> I wish! Okay got to go.
Well, I feel sick! I went out , Kids ran ahead, this is after being up all night. Right, still trying to ring in sick-god I should get my mobile up an drunning, Well, anyway, had head on panic outside the the fire station-turned round, and this dizziness does something to my left eye. anyway, came home and took 20mgs , this going down to 10isnt working. stomach is really upset and so am i. Im pronbably going to loose my job now
Ive noticed that i get 10xs worse when Ive my period. This one is bad -not goinginto detail-but I feel zonked, and stomach is so sore.
hi daftydil , im sorry to hear that . I have days like you so dont worry youre not alone. Anxiety is a killer but u have to be strong everyday and always be with company of others:)
xxx
Take care and hugs from Malta if you need talk im Always on this forum :-)x
Gil
xxx
Take care and hugs from Malta if you need talk im Always on this forum :-)x
Gil
Thanks getfunky! I cant sleep, and thinking about doing some work-cant switch off!
Spoke to the drinks nurse and she driven some determination into me, ( i have to fight it out!)
I think 130am is maybe a bad time to start working-but Im probably just going to lie in bed and worry till 7am in the morning anyway.
Dawn-how are you? Ive not heard from you in a while? You ok? I thik ive got some womans problems, as bleeding really really heavily and its no fun!
right-im off to do some work.Jealous of all those that are sound sleeping. ( maybe shoudl not have watched a horror film till midnight!)
Spoke to the drinks nurse and she driven some determination into me, ( i have to fight it out!)
I think 130am is maybe a bad time to start working-but Im probably just going to lie in bed and worry till 7am in the morning anyway.
Dawn-how are you? Ive not heard from you in a while? You ok? I thik ive got some womans problems, as bleeding really really heavily and its no fun!
right-im off to do some work.Jealous of all those that are sound sleeping. ( maybe shoudl not have watched a horror film till midnight!)