Thank you so much. i too have been with my husband for nearly six years, married nearly three and my maternal clock is raging! It's been bad for six years but particularly bad the past two years, especially as I work taking 999 calls so regularly talk to women in labour. It hurts so much every time i see a baby or child in the street and friends having babies. I had a try date of 2014 negotiated with my husband as he's just finished culinary college (he's mature student) and so needs to get his career started.
I'm know I'm lucky to have a husband who actually wants kids and is happy for our 2014 date but I feel so alone that he doesn't understand how much I want to give him children and how painful it is for me to wait. I was just about coping and now my sister-in-law is pregnant, she's a year younger than me, living at home and not in a stable relationship. It's so maddening and upsetting and my husband doesn't understand, he's just happy for his sister and I feel bad that I'm bringing a dampener on the whole thing, but I have needs and hers wasn't planned. Why should I have to be so supportive of everyone else when I need to be supported in what is now a painful time for me.
I'm so scared I'm going to push him away with my desperation that 2014 will be the year of our divorce and not a baby.
So thank you, these blogs are helping me feel not alone and hopefully less likely to vent at him, I'll be reading your posts often ladies. Good luck to you all xxxx
I'm know I'm lucky to have a husband who actually wants kids and is happy for our 2014 date but I feel so alone that he doesn't understand how much I want to give him children and how painful it is for me to wait. I was just about coping and now my sister-in-law is pregnant, she's a year younger than me, living at home and not in a stable relationship. It's so maddening and upsetting and my husband doesn't understand, he's just happy for his sister and I feel bad that I'm bringing a dampener on the whole thing, but I have needs and hers wasn't planned. Why should I have to be so supportive of everyone else when I need to be supported in what is now a painful time for me.
I'm so scared I'm going to push him away with my desperation that 2014 will be the year of our divorce and not a baby.
So thank you, these blogs are helping me feel not alone and hopefully less likely to vent at him, I'll be reading your posts often ladies. Good luck to you all xxxx
I know how you feel! 2014 seems so far away. My husband and I have reach a compromise of TTC Spring/Summer 2012 (I wanted to TTC This September 2011). I thought my wait was long! People will tell you to try and not talk about it with him- But TRUST ME, That's easier said than done. For the past 3 months, a baby was all I could think and talk about. Nothing else seemed to matter. But it drove my husband and I so far apart.
Lately we've had some trials financially- we're more stable than most people our age. But the past few months it's seemed to always be something. The house, our cars, etc... I think it was God's way of making me realize I needed to be thankful for all we do have and to enjoy being married without children for a while.
I too am going to become an aunt soon. I am going to use that as a trial- to see how my husband is around a baby. And to be the best aunt I can be. The time will come for my DH and I to have a baby. We have to both be completely on board- and if I keep pressuring him before he's ready... you're right- our TTC date might become our divorce date! hehe
Just keep posting your feelings and updates on the blog. It has been the most helpful thing for me getting through this!
Lately we've had some trials financially- we're more stable than most people our age. But the past few months it's seemed to always be something. The house, our cars, etc... I think it was God's way of making me realize I needed to be thankful for all we do have and to enjoy being married without children for a while.
I too am going to become an aunt soon. I am going to use that as a trial- to see how my husband is around a baby. And to be the best aunt I can be. The time will come for my DH and I to have a baby. We have to both be completely on board- and if I keep pressuring him before he's ready... you're right- our TTC date might become our divorce date! hehe
Just keep posting your feelings and updates on the blog. It has been the most helpful thing for me getting through this!
Hey ya'll! I promised to keep updating. I have had some "glimmer" of hope this past weekend. My husband and I were talking about baby names. I then proceeded to really tell him how I am feeling. I told him how hard this is for me and how I need more support from him. I told him its not fair the way he is treating me. We recently took out short term disability so when I do have a baby, we will not have to worry. He told me the other night that he wants to try and concieve this September or October so I will have a summer baby. He is a school teacher and wants to be able to be home and still get paid. I thought this was a great plan and now I am really excited. My birth control runs out mid September and he agreed that this was okay. Yay! I am not as depressed and down as I have been for the last few months. I have had the "baby bug" since our one year wedding anniversary last November. We have been together almost 9 years total though. Please wish me luck! I just hope that when the time comes, I can get pregnant as easily as my husband believes. I think we should start trying like next month but he has compromised so I will too. Good luck ladies! I will keep you posted on everything.:-D
CONGRATS hopelesslydevoted!!!!! This is so exciting! Please keep us posted when you're TTC. :)
Well maybe not when they are "TRYING" but when they find out!!! LOL Also honey from now till the time, start taking prenatal vitamins EVERY day! And give yourself 1 cycle off the pill - so you know when your period is etc.! Also - this is WTMI! - but when you know your cycle, you will be ovulating about 14 days before your expected next period! So I usually tell couples to just go for it EVERY night! The way I see it is "why loose a day" And after use a pillow under the buttocks - and try to stay like that for a few hours, or just go to sleep like that1 It is VERY hard to get pregnant - as it is 1 in a million! So the more help - with gravity - that you can give would be FAR more beneficial! DON'T smoke - both of you, DON'T drink - both of you, and have your husband wear boxers - heat causes dying sperms!
Thanks guest and Bambi! My brother is a pharmacist so he helped me pick the best prenatal vitamin to take. I started taking them yesterday. I decided I should go off BC pills after next month so I can get regular from hormones. I have been waiting for a while so I am trying to make the best of this. I still have my doubts that he will change his mind some time between now and then but I am going to planning as if he this is set in stone. And ladies, the good thing about planning to have a baby is that you have time to get your own body ready for it. I will start going to the gym more and eating healthier and continue to take the prenatal vitamin every day. Good luck to you all! Please keep us updated! I always look forward to seeing a notification in my email. XD Take care!
hopelesslydevoted, Which prenatal did he suggest? I would like to start taking one as well... For whenever my husband decides to TTC and not to mention I want to grow my hair out! I've heard it helps that too! Thanks in advance for sharing!
Hi again everyone. There's been some time since I last posted, I'd like to share some things that have helped me deal with my feelings about not having a baby in the near future. Also some things I've tried with my husband, which has helped. First I told myself that sighing and daydreaming about babies and baby pictures- car seats, stollers, toys CLOTHES .... is really not helping at all, maybe making things worse. It also can create some tension with your husband if you're walking along side him. Believe me, he knows its all right there- let him notice it on his own. Second, I stopped reading pregnancy/ baby books and watching that kind of stuff on tv. I keep my information intake to a minimum. (But before I stopped, I showed my husband a few things that I really enjoyed. One book that I think is great is The art of expecting : simple ways to make room for the future. It has some good, quick reads that your guy shouldn't get annoyed about when you show it to him.) Once in a while is okay to bring up the 'baby' subject to your guy, he could take it that you aren't obsessed- but still serious about it. That could help him feel more at ease, too.
I started to really look for things that I liked to do that would fill up my day, not just one thing, lots. I've started walking everyday, I'm training my pet rats new tricks, (I got three new rats, I did have just one) I started reading different books, more exercising, games, ect. This might not work well for everyone, I'm just a kind of person that has to keep moving. But I have to remind myself to try not to clean too much because it can get obsessive and it leaves a lot of time for my thoughts to run.
I know that having a husband isn't always the easiest thing, but just remember the good times and keep that close to your heart. From our point of view it gets rough when we know they don't want to have a baby, but try to see it from their eyes. They have worries too, and just like how they think we worry about crazy things sometimes we can fail to catch ourselves thinking the same things about their fears. I'm not saying everything they do is justified, but it's always a good time to make a positive change in ourselves.
You can think of it this way: I know I'll have a baby soon, so I need to take all this time that I have now and use it for improvements. I'm going to get things done, and use this time for ME. By having me time and us time I'm doing something good for my soon-to-be baby.
Another book you ladies may enjoy or at least find interesting is called The Secret, by Rhonda Burnes. I might help you, and it could change your life. Just suggestions. Thank you, best wishes to you all <3
hi, i cant believe how common this problem is. i know men usually have a hard time with the baby thing but i agree with what was said about the husband focusing on his timeline, but not putting any consideration into the time we have given up in order to compromise.... and if he does come around to talk about a compromise, he makes me feel soo guilty about pushing him to do something hes not ready to do. what hurts the most is that he keeps getting my hopes up into thinking were finally on the same page, but when i think were going to actually start to try, he refuses to come close to me without contraception.it feels like every time we talk about it, 'were getting closer to being ready', or 'he needs 5 more months to get mentally ready" but five months later, were still at five more months. it feels like hes just trying to fool me, and keep me thinking of a date later so i stop bothering him with the subject. its has now gotten to where i'ts NEVER the time to talk about it, at night hes too tired, and during the day its wrecking his mood and at all other times hes so intently focused at something(anything) that he cant even comprehend what i'm saying. and even when i push to talk about it he completely shuts out and doesn't answer, and before you know its hes fast asleep. worst of all his family keeps bugging me about when well have kids. please help, i cant take this much longer!
Hey guest. I am alittle bit different different because I do not swallow large pills. The biggest pill I can swallow is an ibuprofen so it had to either be a gummy or chewable. He told me the best for me to take before pregnancy is Vitafusion Prenatal gummies. It does not have iron in it. High levels of iron can cause buildup around internal organs. It's normally up to your OB/GYN how much iron you need on a daily basis after a blood analysis. But since, I am not pregnant, I do not need the added level of iron. The Vitafusion gummies are at any drug store, Walmart, and Target. You take two per day, and 90 comes in a bottle. It is about 10.00 per bottle. They actually taste really good. I was pretty shocked!
Thanks Lynxika, I will look into reading those books.
And for the last post, it is not fair. My husband has been able to do everything he wants to do without my wants and needs being taken into consideration. Men need to realize it is not ALL about them. I understand they are scared. Oh and even though he has decided to start to try this September or October, he put up a hard battle. A couple of weeks ago I told him that we would probably use his man room for the baby room since it is the smaller of the other two. ( Bad idea by the way, he told me this was one of his reasons to not have a baby right now), so I then changed my mind and decided I rather use a bigger room. He said how relieved he was and now excited for a baby. what? That makes no sense I know but that's a husband for you. His family is the opposite. He has two older sisters, one with a one year old, and one that is 30 and has been TTC for over two years. She found out she may never be able to concieve. His family feels we should wait to respect his sister. Im sorry but this is my life and I am not waiting for any more people. It took long enough for my husband to decide he was ready.
Good luck girls! Thank you all!
i absolutely agree, i don't think its fair for his family to expect you to wait because of his sister, what if she is never able to conceive, does that mean u cant have kids either to make her feel better??? and your right about the husband doing thing without consideration, it took me the full first 2 years of my marriage to settle with the fact that i have to stop having expectations of him pushing aside his activities to make extra time for me without me having to ask for it. and the fact that i planned my whole life out for the past four years, started a business got it going, just so that when we have kids i can stay at home and raise them properly, while at the same time have a good income so that the burden wouldnt be all on him, you know what he's worried about?... having to miss soccer practice if i need a break from the baby.
and congrats on finally getting him to agree!
In this day and age of INSTANT gratification and selfishness, people are forgetting about the most important thing! Happiness! Happiness of self, and happiness of a love partner! And don't get me wrong guys, I know PLENTY of women who are selfish as hell and just do whatever they want and their husbands pick up the slack! I know mothers who have gone to Vegas - to "get away" - when their baby was 4 weeks old!!! It is EVERYWHERE! And it usually comes from families and their environment! Take a look at your partners parents - and their dynamic - and REALLY listen to his stories about "growing up" IF there are any! Men - unfortunately - feel weak, talking about bad childhoods! So usually you don't hear a thing, and it takes a moment to realize "You know what! I NEVER hear him talk about his parents" A LOT of men and women take their upbringing as a "sign" of things to come! Eg. My dad was an alcoholic, which means I will be! My mom was HORRIBLE as a mother, so what happens if the same happens etc. etc. etc.! Selfishness goes only a certain way - in explaining THEIR selfishness! BUT history usually prevails in explaining a lot of things in the present and for the future! So take a look at their lives upto meeting you, and after meeting you! As most with a bad childhood, try to look like "winners" in their families eyes, by showing off more with a wife/husband! So the stories you might have heard before, do they match up with what you have experienced since? And WILL his personality of old, follow him through his life? Because IF he is following in his mothers/fathers footsteps - regarding relationships with you and others! This is a VERY important thing to take in! It is fine to "think" he could be a great father and spouse, BUT to be definite that he is going to be a great father and partner, is the sign you need to know you are on the right path - together!
wow. thank you bambi...
you were 100% right on the money with your last post. as soon as i read your post it became very clear, and when i talked to him about his childhood and his parents (his father a alcoholic and a gambler, and his mother also a gambler who neglected him and his siblings) he told me that he never has had a role model, or someone to look up to (also no big brother) and he knows only that he resents everything his parents have done or do till now. he isn't close with any of them, and had done everything to make sure he live a completely different life than the one they brought him up in. we have been together for 4 years and he truly is nothing like his parents (thank goodness!!)our conversations went from i'm afraid of losing my freedom to i'm terrified of not being a good father, because i have no idea what a good dad looks like. thankfully i was able to point out to him what a good job my dad did with raising my 4 younger sisters and i along with my mom, and my dad lost his father when he was very little, and that as long as you know what not to do , learning what to do will come with the experience, and some advice from my father!
thank you soo much for opening my eyes and mind. after opening up about this fear of his and assurance that we were here to do this together, and that he wasnt going to go through it alone, he has become a lot more keen on the idea of finally having one of our own.
now were planning on a ttc! hopefully he doesn't get cold feet once we get closer to actually going through with it, although he has promised he wouldn't!
Replying to Bambi:
What you're saying may be the case with some people, but it's way off for us. Nothing is that absolute. Both my husband and I have had from a bad to a really bad childhood, fortunately we've been able to discuss this and get past our issues. It isn't an over night deal, and of coarse everyone should try to analyze their feelings and those of their spouse. We've learned a ton of what not to do, and like the above guest said, we learn the rest from experience. I've taken my childhood as a very strong determination to do my best, and now I'm thankful for what I've gone through. Our past can never hold us back. However, I know that not everyone can overcome their childhood mishaps, and I'v seen/ am seeing what outcomes it can have on the next generation. So yes, this is a big deal if someone isn't feeling ready because of their past.
(I first posted under a guest name SNR.)
To Hopelesslydevoted:
I know exactly what you're dealing with on the 'waiting list' problem. It's not wrong of you. My family had a huge blow-out when my two uncles found out I was expecting. While I'm in complete bliss, they were boiling hot and I got very disturbing and harsh phone calls and #1 even dared to show up at my house to deliver some badly chosen words. See, this was in the early months of Uncle #2's wife finding that she isn't able to conceive. She is as old as my mother, and at the time they had just gotten married. So I was the target of jealousy, rage, and pure ignorance, but I didn't have one bit of it. I'm sorry, their problem is unfortunate, but no one has to suffer in such a way like I did. When a baby comes into the world it should be a happy time, this is what I believe. No ifs ands or buts- what's done is done and she/he is on their way! Celebrate! They had me balling- I knew then what it felt like to not only feel unwanted in the family, but also my husband and unborn child not wanted. Do Not let anyone do this to you, stand up for yourself before it gets this far. I didn't see it coming. [[If lil me can stand up to a very huge- over 6ft red headed overgrown lousy two-faced barbarian, I have no doubt you can make your point clear too! How ever you do it, more power to ya!]]
To this day they have not conceived. I pray good fortune upon my Aunt & Uncle, and I don't doubt God/ that what ever happens is meant to be. But I keep my distance from him, I can't trust him.
Anyway, I've kept quite for a long time and made sure I don't bring up the baby subject with my husband. I want to see if he's been "thinking" about it or not (he'll say yes) and if anything has changed for him. But at the same time, maybe I should wait to be on his case until August (That's when I want to get pregnant, and if it doesn't happen then I'll have to wait until next year). He's decided that he wants me to wait to start school until winter, when I could have been finished with it by now go figure. This makes me mad only because if you push school back then is he pushing baby back!? If not then am I getting an early grad present first: baby!? Somethings got to give...
Keeps your hopes up ladies, thanks for reading.
Dear Lynxika! I understand how you would be offended - so to speak - about my theory! BUT it was kind of true for you guys! You both came from bad backgrounds, but you both made a point to make sure this didn't define you as parents! BUT as the other person said, IF a person - who had a terrible upbringing - didn't have a role model! They always knew that it was wrong - but how to change it? Have you ever seen several generations together, where they look like duplicates of each other? It's because they know what they were taught, and personally it takes a hell of a lot to overcome trauma - be it mental, physical, emotional etc.
As an abused child, I ALWAYS knew I wanted children - 7 infact - and NOTHING was going to stop me! And even through all of these years I have hell on NOT to be verbally abusive, and it is right there on the tip of my tongue! And thank GOD it has never left my lips! My mother - the abuser was JUST like my grandma, etc. and to see them together I kind of knew the reason WHY?! BUT I didn't get it that she didn't have enough strength to STOP the cycle!
When I put out different hypothesis it's because we are ALL so different, and it was a light bulb for the one lady, but an irritant for you! Even out partners - the ones we are the most intimate with - are sometimes the ones we do NOT understand or "Get" and their personal lives have always been a mystery or something didn't "jive"! It takes 2 to make a baby, 2 to have a successful union, and 2 to understand each other and where they are coming from! And I have to argue your point about "our past can never hold us back" As sometimes you can't overcome the scars of it! And it sounds like you STILL have issues to be dealt with! It sounds like your husband is STILL dealing with things - I am not saying it is bad, I'm just saying it is hard for him! And when you give them a month, they will take a year etc. It becomes like a game of will - to see IF you really want this or if you will just be quiet!
Everyone of us is VERY different, we can want children ALL our lives, get to the day and FREAK out that it's happening! OR NEVER want kids and WHAM you have one, and people think of you as the best parent ever! It's a VERY daunting task - being a parent and a good parent at that! So no one is to blame, they just have to notice that they are REALLY hurting their partner with the games!