I want a baby, but my husband "isnt ready"

As soon as I mentioned baby my husband made an appointment to have a vasectomy without talking to me about it. He had it done and he said don't bother me about kids. Our lives are better without the grungy little money sucking twitts 

 

Oh gosh I couldn't sleep last night, read so many of these post, needless to say I'm having the same tug at my heart to be a mother and build a family with my husband. We met eight years ago, dated for a year and a half and tied the knot. We have been married a year and a half now, Im 26 and he is 30. When we were engaged people use to ask us if we wanted kids and when we wanted them and we were both in agreement within the next 2-3 years. After we got married he started telling people 4-5 years. I confronted him on this and he said he wanted to save more, travel more, start investing, pay down debts, and on and on and on , the things it takes people life times to complete he wanted to do before we brought one life into the world. I was hurt and disappointed , I felt like we spoke about kids enough while dating that I felt betrayed he wanted to postpone my motherhood even further. And at one point while he and I were still dating I lived with my sister and my two young nephews and He and I were around them all the time and he was and still is sooo great with them years later. I also have always worked with children and we often speak about our parenting capacity in relation to my job. He said he's always wanted children so I was more than confused.

I stopped talking about it for a few months and then about a month ago I started thinking about life ( as one often does planning on coming into a new year) and I thought, NO this is something I want , why does his wants supersede mine, I am an equal partner in this marriage even though I believe my husband is the head of our household. So I decided to say something about it which continued to lead to fights after which I would vow to never bring it up again until he did. But you know how it feels when you see a pregnant women or a small child while out or how a pampers commercial sends you day dreaming...I had to bring it up again. Well I was fed up because it seemed the more I brought it up the more resolved he seemed to become with his decision as a firm NO! So I started making little comments about children at work or when I see a pampers commercial I'd say ( only if you mean it) “oh my gosh look at that cute baby with those fat cheeks” or when we are at any department stores( whenever I can drag him in) and we pass by the baby clothes I'd comment on an outfit like “ oh my gosh babe aren’t those the cutest little Jordan's or little ruffle dress? Ask him in a light but excited way ( don't be deliberate to pass by the baby section and please please don't browse it will freak him out). What else....Oh, all of our friends and family are or have had children in the last three years, spend time with those people! He needs to see parents hanging out to believe that he may be able to hang out after having children and everything would be okay. Ok getting rambly, any way we still were getting no where or s I thought, in another effort I decided to write up an email. Sometimes no ones listing and everyone’s trying to talk when we are face to face, leading to no one being heard. I also think my husband, like most men, takes a longer time to process and know their own feelings because they are socialized to not be emotional. So if you give a message to them in a way in which they don't have to automatically respond, you may be best this way and get a real thoughtful answer from him. But be sure after you pour your heart out in this letter be deliberate with your objective, what you want and in what time frame but ultimately leave room for negotiation and the ultimate final say so should go to him. I am not trying to be pass submissive but in all honesty, life is hard enough, you should never have a baby with someone who after knowing all of your feelings surrounding having a child and claims to love you does not. That child deserves both of your best and at the end of the day you always want to be able to say in all honesty that your husband wants your children and will help co-parent them in love. Well he wrote me back and said that he understood where I was coming from and he wanted to start trying for a baby sooner, He seemed happy about it :). The sooner would be this upcoming March or April, I'm really excited, I'm a planner so I officially feel overwhelmed, I started looking for birthing centers, Im going to keep my planning under wraps for now to see what happens in March or April, then I will know for sure if he just said this to appease me or if he has really had a change of heart.

Thanks to everyone who posted, it has really really helped me!!! Alot of the ideas I put in my letter to him were little snips of exceptionally articulated sentiments I borrowed from many of yal posts. :)

 

Thanks again, reading this gave me the courage I needed to ask my husband for what I want and why.

I too am having the same problem. I feel like the situation is putting a wedge between me and my husband. ive even considered getting pregnant by other means but dont want to do that. All I think about is a child of my own and im so depressed at thos point that I cant even stand to see people with children or that are expecting.

I came across this site and it really helps me feel like I'm not crazy. I'm literally in tears right now. I'm 27 and MH is 31 (will be 32 in a few months). We have been married for 2 years. When we got married I initially wanted children right away but we both decided to wait until 2013 so that we could enjoy being married. 2013 rolls around and he says he wants to save more money. I say okay and we both agree to start in 2014. NOW he's saying he wants to wait until 2015 because it fits better into his financial plan (his car will be paid off and he will be almost done with credit card debt). I'm so pissed because now we have to wait until it's more convenient for him, never mind how putting it off will affect me emotionally and physically. And now the married couples in our circle are getting pregnant and considering we're the most successful couple in the group, they find it hard to understand how we're putting off babies until later. I'm stuck with having to play it off like it's joint decision when it's really HIS decision. I'm praying hard not to resent MH but I honestly don't know how to feel about it. P.S. we are BOTH working and although he makes more than I do we are not underwater financially.

Oh My! I don't necessarily think that this is a comment about kids but rather about a lack of respect for you! I would consider this much worse than 'accidently' missing pills etc. How do you feel?

Definitely know how people are feeling. I am 26 and my husband is almost 28. (and strangely the '26 and a half' is getting more and more important). I have been with my husband for 9 years and married for 2.5. When we were first together we decided that we definitely wanted a child already born by the time that he was 25 so that we would not be too old to fool around with them. I was in total agreement since my family has medical problems and for the last few generations have proven not to be fertile around mid-late 30's. I wanted my two children (at least he agrees on this) by 30. I can see that dead line looming.
I have spoken to him heaps of times over the years. I have been going crazy about his for about 7 years now.
I have a permanent job and he is doing post grad for the next 3 years and EVERY year he says, 'I'm not ready now. Next year if we're not already there, then we'll definitely think about it'. The goal posts just move. I see entries in my diary saying 'Maybe this year...' and now that it is many years later, I feel like going back in time and telling myself to not get disappointed.
I have actually been virtually silent this year about the topic since he made the usual comment last year. I brought it up today to get the whole 'I'm not ready in myself and I thought that you'd like to focus on the horses right now'.

Just glad that I'm not the only one out there.

What a disgustingly chauvinistic and intellectually dishonest assertion. What part of a vasectomy is worse than thrusting a child into an unprepared environment devoid of a willing father through an act of deceitful manipulation? The former (vasectomy) is more akin to a rogue abortion done behind a boyfriend's back (and there's nothing wrong with that, because it's her body, right?); the latter is fraud - a felony.
Your moral compass is horrifically misaligned, and thus, you're clearly not fit to raise a child yourself. Please don't breed.

HI there  to be fair reading all of this makes me feel stupid........ my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 2 years. i have a daughter from a different relationship ( was a bad one) she will be 5 this year. my Ex has now moved on and had a baby of his own and which is fair enough he has found happiness but when i bring up the topic of having a baby with my boyfriend he comes up with lots of differnt excuses which makes me feel like he says he wants one but he really doesnt. i love him to bits but its starting to get to me a little bit, he goes on and on about how he cant wait to marry me and have kids together but hes 29 this year he said to me that he wants to have a baby before he is 30 but then he says he wants to wait a few years. i know accpeting a child thats not yours is hard but he has done it wholeheartedly and loves he to pieces i dont understand why he keeps making excuses.......... to be fair we dont have a great deal of money but we get by we dont struggle as such. i want a baby so much i dont want it to affect our realationship but i cant help but think he is hiding something or he is just with me for the security help!!!

I'm right there with you! I'm 30 now and my husband is 34; we've been married over 5 years. About three years ago, he promised me I could take the risk of trying to work from home and said we'd "talk seriously" about having a kid when he finished his Masters. That "serious talk" ended with him admitting that he wanted to continue his education and pursue a 4-year Ph.D., and that we'd need me to continue bringing in X amount per month in an external job while he did this. He's saying now that we can start having kids after he gets a full time job with benefits, like what I've got. He just started his Ph.D. last August; who knows when the job will happen. To add pressure, he wants as little medical intervention as possible during the birth (maybe even home-birthing); I've pointed out that at age 35-36, this might not be allowed (nor might it be wise) due to risk. He acts like I'm being absurd when I say this. I, too, tell inquiring family they've got to talk to him when they ask why or when we'll be having kids. I know he loves me and wants the best for a future child, but I feel like he's acting blind to reality. Still, I wouldn't call my life incomplete. I've found some childless women friends and try to enjoy having spontaneity and the freedom of not being a responsible role-model 24/7 -- every week or two, I do something that I would find difficult or impossible if I have a child. Like making evening plans on the fly. Or leaving sewing/art supplies in a heap on the living room floor overnight when I'm working on projects. Or sleeping in much later than I should. Sometimes I do get really down about not getting to be a mom. But I also remind myself that I want my marriage to be stronger than anything rearing a kid could dish out, so we need to be in it together. I hope you find some purpose, some hope, stay busy, and that our husbands come around soon!

So I am 25 and my husband is 32. We have been married a year and a half now and I want a baby. He does not want anymore kids because he already has a 10yr old. He has PTSD from the army and a few other things wrong with him and he tells me that he does not want anot her kid. He says that I already have one saying that my step -daughter is mine. It's just not the same. I want one of my own...it's putting a strain on our marriage bc I want a baby. I love him very much but yet like all the other girls I feel so alone!!! I don't know what to do??

I feel ya girls. My husband and I have been married since aug 27 2011... I wouldnt mind having a baby in a year but he wants to wait 2-5 years. He wants to own a house, both of us to have full time jobs, have money saved up, be 100% finacially secure. If you wait until your ready youll never be ready. His mom always asks when we will have babies... I don't know why their is always a excuse... sometimes I feel like their is always going to be a excuse even when I become full time or start buying a house... I wanna have a baby before im 25 and I feel like I have all this pressure on my shoulders before we can even have one because of his expectations.

i feel the same way especially when your mother in law has also convinced my husband that having baby as newly wed is not appropriate. My husband and I are married almost2 years now. He is always telling that we can not make financially. I feel useless and I feel like there is a part in my life that has been taken away from me. I am turning 30 next year I feel ugly and I feel old.

I am so glad I am not alone in this. My husband and I met really young on a blind date. I was 19 he was 21. I was married at 20 and 22 for him, and so of course we decided to wait a few years before having kids. So a couple years I brought it up, because it had been a few years, and then he let me know he still didn't think we were ready. He wanted to "save up" and we'd try again in a year or so. I agreed, I was only 24 and didn't think much of it. So I brought it up again last year, and now he's saying he still wants to wait O_O Really?! I totally agree being prepared, but I am so glad I'm not the only one that is thinking, if you always think on waiting because of "money" you never will be ready. Now I'm almost 26 and feel more than ready. I think he's warming up to it, but whenever I try to bring it up, he'll try to change the subject or give me another reason why we need to wait. I have been on the pill for almost 6 years (since we got married) and I just feel like it's been making me crazy with all the hormones, but he wanted me to stay on them so we wouldn't have a baby yet. Well, a couple weeks ago I finally told him I can't stay on these pills because they're making me crazy with all the side effects. So he agreed that I should go off of them, but he still wants to wait. He doesn't like condoms, so he's just "pulling out". I know he wants kids, and he's great with our nieces and nephews, but it's getting to the point where it's becoming heartache for me. There are three girls in the office I work for that are pregnant, and he just told me today that our friends we know are pregnant too. My heart seriously sunk with jealousy. I know that he'll be ready for a baby, I think he's just scared, but I have a feeling that it would change when he actually has a baby and gets to hold his kid. Sorry I am just ranting, but its comforting to know I am not the only one that is thinking about this and having heartache. I found out my co-worker was having a baby today and told him too, and he just told me to keep concentrating on my work, and that when we eventually get there, we'll talk about trying. But WHEN are we ever going to get there? My husband and I have a good relationship, but it's just making me depressed about this whole thing. Anyways, I know how all you ladies feel. I am in the same boat. I'm not on the pill anymore, so I think he's coming to the terms that I'm serious about wanting to try, but still. *sigh* Men sometimes...

Well ladies let me tell you...phew....reading everyones unique stories and situations really put thing in perspective for me....I guess u can call me "that guy" the one that "isnt ready yet"....the "we need to save money"....pretty much anything that might scare us from failing as a man as a father as a provider to the family....Im going through a simular situation where as my wife(21) has some significant medical problems that make it very difficult even at her age to have children....and myself (27) want to wait 2-3 years....why for financial stabilty a real house a real job....however completely undermining the medical and timelines of a woman....this has opened my eyes to be more understanding and realistic with our situation and i want to say thank you...to all of you tough strong women that deal with the hardheaded-ness that guys like me can be....and best wishes to all...

It is for sure the woman who should decide. A man has his rights to a deadline, so he can prepare, but the woman needs to set it. It's her body. Maternal instinct is very strong and a man needs to man up to the idea of having a baby if he wants to be with her... or leave. That way no resentment is created. It sounds harsh, but the fufillment of children has always and will always be stronger in a woman. 

That's my 2 cents. :-P