First of all, I just wanted to say you are certainly NOT a crazy lady. You sound like you're dealing with a lot right now and from what I can tell you're handling things much better than I would in the same circumstance. So for that I have a great deal of respect for you. I get the sense you just want your husband to be into you again. And I can understand with all that's going on the frustration with the mixed feelings of what you like sexually and the self-conscious feelings after childbirth and all the issues that come along. It will get better over time, I promise. It takes many weeks for the hormones to level out after childbirth so keep that in mind as your mood and desires change. But until then I say keep communications open and *always* be honest, even if you think the topic or words might hurt your husband. You have to put everything out on the table otherwise it'll never fully get worked out.
Hello. :) And thank you for your reply. :)
Yes, I quite possibly am a bit crazy; luckily for most people it is only in a way that damages me and is usually beneficial to others. Nah, it's OCD. And anxiety, depression, and co-dependency. But not ADHD. I have an issue with extreme detail (as opposed to none and not being able to finish things) and don't have an issue on keeping my attention focused. (Haha..look at my monstrosity of long posts here..:S) Looked up the symptoms of ADHD- only one I have is shifting and fidgeting but that's only when I am nervous and having anxiety issues.
Lol. I know though! I sound like such a basket case. The truth is, inside I kinda am,.. but pretty much no one realizes that. They think I'm a little obsessive at times about certain things but mostly people think I am just a chill, goofy relaxed person the rest of the time.. I'm just a good actress and rarely let people get to know me well. My husband knows, and he does not care that half the time, albeit internally, I am barking mad.. Except in cases like this (which is pretty much a first in 7 years) my obsessiveness has led to mostly good things for him since I am more focused and dedicated to doing things than most people are. Most of these things are to better myself or do things for other people that no one else would bother to probably do or stick with if it took a lot of effort. But inside.. yes. I do drive myself bonkers. Why do you think I am on here? Lol. Don't want to let the people I know all the little obsessive things I think.
Anywho, as for the rest of your reply. The preggers-attractiveness thing. I lost120lbs before getting pregnant, so even 9 months in, I was still a looooot thinner than I was before, so that wasn't the issue. Plus my already faaaaar past DD boobs got (to my dismay..already had to order bras online) even freakin bigger, so he was pretty happy about that, So I don't think, for probably one of the first times ever in a pregnancy, that weight/unattractiveness was the problem. But yes. I am sure he thought about other worries when he saw my belly. But I wore lingerie to hide it and make it less noticeable. When I asked if the sex issue was because I gained some weight back he laughed in a completely confused way and asked why that would ever be the issue when he was attracted to me when I weighed a ton more than I was pregnant.
I do try to use toys to satisfy it... but it does nothing. A week ago I went 10 times so I would not feel into it. Did not work. I think one of the main reasons is that I crave sex for intimacy and a closeness that has been a little strained the last year. A toy or hand does not give me that.:(
I know, I know.. don't have him choose. Do it to make myself satisfied. Yea.. I know. But it doesn't work on me. Part of my co-dependency problem. I know how I should be and I know how I am. I am a people pleaser and feel very uncomfortable when I am wondering if someone isn't enjoying something as much as they could be. Stupid, stupid, stupid..but it's me. And I can't help how I am. I've tried. I can change what I project externally (I've gotten great at that) but internally, woohooo. Lol. Like you said, crazy person. But like the people who manage to actually get to know me would agree with you, it's usually in a good way. Just not good for me.
Yes, I quite possibly am a bit crazy; luckily for most people it is only in a way that damages me and is usually beneficial to others. Nah, it's OCD. And anxiety, depression, and co-dependency. But not ADHD. I have an issue with extreme detail (as opposed to none and not being able to finish things) and don't have an issue on keeping my attention focused. (Haha..look at my monstrosity of long posts here..:S) Looked up the symptoms of ADHD- only one I have is shifting and fidgeting but that's only when I am nervous and having anxiety issues.
Lol. I know though! I sound like such a basket case. The truth is, inside I kinda am,.. but pretty much no one realizes that. They think I'm a little obsessive at times about certain things but mostly people think I am just a chill, goofy relaxed person the rest of the time.. I'm just a good actress and rarely let people get to know me well. My husband knows, and he does not care that half the time, albeit internally, I am barking mad.. Except in cases like this (which is pretty much a first in 7 years) my obsessiveness has led to mostly good things for him since I am more focused and dedicated to doing things than most people are. Most of these things are to better myself or do things for other people that no one else would bother to probably do or stick with if it took a lot of effort. But inside.. yes. I do drive myself bonkers. Why do you think I am on here? Lol. Don't want to let the people I know all the little obsessive things I think.
Anywho, as for the rest of your reply. The preggers-attractiveness thing. I lost120lbs before getting pregnant, so even 9 months in, I was still a looooot thinner than I was before, so that wasn't the issue. Plus my already faaaaar past DD boobs got (to my dismay..already had to order bras online) even freakin bigger, so he was pretty happy about that, So I don't think, for probably one of the first times ever in a pregnancy, that weight/unattractiveness was the problem. But yes. I am sure he thought about other worries when he saw my belly. But I wore lingerie to hide it and make it less noticeable. When I asked if the sex issue was because I gained some weight back he laughed in a completely confused way and asked why that would ever be the issue when he was attracted to me when I weighed a ton more than I was pregnant.
I do try to use toys to satisfy it... but it does nothing. A week ago I went 10 times so I would not feel into it. Did not work. I think one of the main reasons is that I crave sex for intimacy and a closeness that has been a little strained the last year. A toy or hand does not give me that.:(
I know, I know.. don't have him choose. Do it to make myself satisfied. Yea.. I know. But it doesn't work on me. Part of my co-dependency problem. I know how I should be and I know how I am. I am a people pleaser and feel very uncomfortable when I am wondering if someone isn't enjoying something as much as they could be. Stupid, stupid, stupid..but it's me. And I can't help how I am. I've tried. I can change what I project externally (I've gotten great at that) but internally, woohooo. Lol. Like you said, crazy person. But like the people who manage to actually get to know me would agree with you, it's usually in a good way. Just not good for me.
Thank you. :) Very kind of you, but I am a little bonkers. :P But thanks for at least saying I'm not.
You are right.. whether he says he is into me or not I have this deep fear that he isn't as much as he was and it is making me panic and go into overdrive to fix it. I sure hope my mood and desires do change.. by this point, even though things should be getting better at this point due to some new breakthroughs the last few days, I would still like my desire to drop. I know that maybe sounds bad but I would like the lack of sexual desire almost all breastfeeding moms get. It would just be easier..
We have now completely discussed it but it was hard. He always gets mad and storms off when I calmly ask to talk about things. This time I uncharacteristically told him off when he did and said if he didn't want to discuss and fix things, why should I bother? So he finally talked to me about everything and for the first time ever I not only gave him the facts and my feelings but did not sugar coat it at all just to make him feel better. Helped that for the first time in years, I was actually mad. I'm just not an aggressive person and am always pretty passive. But when you've had it, you've had it. We cleared up a lot of things and I think I feel a lot better about things now and I think we understand each other. I'm pretty sure I can finally say that I know where he stands and anal is not his preference. It was a phase and he is coming out of it.
Thanks to all of you for reading my crazy, ranting, long a** posts. :P
You are right.. whether he says he is into me or not I have this deep fear that he isn't as much as he was and it is making me panic and go into overdrive to fix it. I sure hope my mood and desires do change.. by this point, even though things should be getting better at this point due to some new breakthroughs the last few days, I would still like my desire to drop. I know that maybe sounds bad but I would like the lack of sexual desire almost all breastfeeding moms get. It would just be easier..
We have now completely discussed it but it was hard. He always gets mad and storms off when I calmly ask to talk about things. This time I uncharacteristically told him off when he did and said if he didn't want to discuss and fix things, why should I bother? So he finally talked to me about everything and for the first time ever I not only gave him the facts and my feelings but did not sugar coat it at all just to make him feel better. Helped that for the first time in years, I was actually mad. I'm just not an aggressive person and am always pretty passive. But when you've had it, you've had it. We cleared up a lot of things and I think I feel a lot better about things now and I think we understand each other. I'm pretty sure I can finally say that I know where he stands and anal is not his preference. It was a phase and he is coming out of it.
Thanks to all of you for reading my crazy, ranting, long a** posts. :P
Sometimes sex can be about taking turns, what pleases you for a bit, what pleases him for a bit. And lets face it, even when its his turn you get turned on turning him on, well it works the other way too. We like to get our girls off as well. Think of it from his perspective.
I try because he says that too now but I dunno. Until recently when ever it had to do with pleasing me, he just looked so bored doing stuff to me or with me that I got bored and would say never mind and go back to doing stuff to him or anal. Now that he's supposedly into thing for me again..meh. I'm just not, even though I'd like to be. When I do stuff to him, he never has to worry if I'm enjoying it or not. I always (even if I'm occasionally not into it or not feeling well) make him think I am. But oh well. Even if I am just not feeling it by this point, at least he's trying now.
you seem like the perfect couple. true love does encompass self-sacrifice. so it's normal for each of you to want to please the other. regardless of what either of you prefer, you must do what pleases both of you which is vaginal and anal intercourse. keep the variety you've introduced into your sex life. it worked before so it can work now. it doesn't have to be just one way and it shouldn't because someone will end up dissatisfied. that'll ruin your relationship.
finally, watch out for postpartum depression. it can place a tremendous amount of stress on your relationship. sex alone will not solve that problem. talk to your doctor.
Why are you more.bothered what he wants than what you want. Seems there is inequality going on that u think.is ok when it isn't!
Thank you. :)
So update, I have managed to have one orgasm during regular sex. But we were talking dirty about anal related play we were about to try- so does it count? I dunno. That is the only time I've had one in forever now and that was 2 weeks ago. :/It doesn't seem to be working still, really. But oh well, I guess.
So update, I have managed to have one orgasm during regular sex. But we were talking dirty about anal related play we were about to try- so does it count? I dunno. That is the only time I've had one in forever now and that was 2 weeks ago. :/It doesn't seem to be working still, really. But oh well, I guess.
Because that is the way I am. In all of my relationships-not just sexual. It may be a problem, but it's one I have never been able to fix; it's just who I am, sadly.
How's it going? Hope things have settled down and some of those tensions dispersed.
Reading some of those later comments, about you pleasing him and him looking bored, I'd add that I don't think it is always as simple as and equal sharing out of who does what.
Different people enjoy different roles in a sexual relationship such that: some like setting the pace, some have strong preferences, some like to be dominant, some submissive. There is certainly a strong element to the pleasure in providing pleasure to another rather than receiving.
Not sure if I've explained very well...but it's about finding the place that works for you.
Reading some of those later comments, about you pleasing him and him looking bored, I'd add that I don't think it is always as simple as and equal sharing out of who does what.
Different people enjoy different roles in a sexual relationship such that: some like setting the pace, some have strong preferences, some like to be dominant, some submissive. There is certainly a strong element to the pleasure in providing pleasure to another rather than receiving.
Not sure if I've explained very well...but it's about finding the place that works for you.
I..don't know how it's going. We aren't having anal anymore. We have once in the last 6 weeks or so. But I don't know what it means. We tried anal fisting for a while a couple months ago (I saw his porn and we decided to try it..) but couldn't quite do it all the way and, even though we were as careful as possible, I kinda got hurt and ever since then, my sex drive has tanked a bit because I just don't think my body can handle me trying to be perfect and do all the things that turn him on.. I feel like a failure. The other reason is that I have been going to the gym for a long time every day when he gets home as well, so I have been too busy to worry as much if he seems otherwise disinterested. As for anal, he says he doesn't want to have anal anymore for many reasons. He says he just didn’t like it last time as much as vaginal and there is no point if that’s the case since I can get hurt by that anyway. (But I don’t believe that it didn’t feel better. I think he just is saying that.)
But I still feel uncomfortable now when we have regular sex. I am worried having a baby made me loose or something for him to have preferred anal for so long. I feel like when he says they feel basically the same to him and it was just the taboo..he's lying. Before I had the baby, he told me anal felt better. Now he says that isn't true. So I don't know.. He says I am even tighter than before I had the baby because I've been kegeling like crazy since I gave birth but I think he's just trying to make me feel better. (And I can't tell for myself how tight it is, so what do I know except by his reactions.) It doesn't help that he barely ever touches my front.. it's either my boobs or my ass. He says he likes vaginal, yet touching me there isn't what makes him spring to life.. He says he doesn’t care about anal anymore but I can tell he is still obsessed with my ass. Really. And how can I not think he’s not being honest about his preferences when he rims me more often than goes down on me? I don’t ask to be rimmed.. Not that it necessarily feels bad, but it makes me feel uncomfortable, I just don’t say so really. I just seize up. He knows I like oral (vaginal). But I feel weird asking for it because even though he says he likes to, why does he almost never do it then? Again, I don’t ask to be rimmed.. One night I actually asked for oral, which is hard for me to do. When I was giving him head, I turned around so I could get a better angle as well as let him see my butt because he wanted to look. He ended up taking off my fishnets and rimming me and then we had sex but he completely skipped oral. He says he doesn’t know when I want it and that’s why he doesn’t do it but yet when I manage to get up enough to ask, it still rarely happens. And yet.. again, I don’t ask to be rimmed. I don’t understand. After so many months of this, I am starting to worry my vagina is repulsive or something. I bath at least once a day, often more, and always within 5-10 minutes of sex. As for oral, I’ve tasted myself. I give him head all the time, sometimes in the middle of sex for a switch up. I don’t taste bad! All I freakin’ eat is veggies and fruit. I don’t look bad either, I don’t think… I mean, as much as you can say that for a vagina..lol. He says he likes it. To look at it, touch, lick.. but actions are louder than words. His yell. Why does he always steer clear?
Anyway. I'm just lost at this point. Things have been a downward spiral since I got pregnant and I just feel very uncomfortable and self-conscious now with him. I don't feel like I know him. I just keep questioning myself over and over and wondering what things could be wrong with me and how, oh how, can I fix them. I just don’t know what to think anymore. It feels like every time I read this post, the effects have gotten deeper and harder to reverse and I’m wondering if I can ever feel normal about sex again. I feel bad because when he tries himself to make things better but saying what he thinks I want to hear, I just can’t believe it at this point as much I would like to. I love him. It’s been 8 years..7 of which were rare and amazing. But sometimes these days, I just wish I was with somebody else so I could feel legitimately wanted again.
Sorry, again, that it was so long.
But I still feel uncomfortable now when we have regular sex. I am worried having a baby made me loose or something for him to have preferred anal for so long. I feel like when he says they feel basically the same to him and it was just the taboo..he's lying. Before I had the baby, he told me anal felt better. Now he says that isn't true. So I don't know.. He says I am even tighter than before I had the baby because I've been kegeling like crazy since I gave birth but I think he's just trying to make me feel better. (And I can't tell for myself how tight it is, so what do I know except by his reactions.) It doesn't help that he barely ever touches my front.. it's either my boobs or my ass. He says he likes vaginal, yet touching me there isn't what makes him spring to life.. He says he doesn’t care about anal anymore but I can tell he is still obsessed with my ass. Really. And how can I not think he’s not being honest about his preferences when he rims me more often than goes down on me? I don’t ask to be rimmed.. Not that it necessarily feels bad, but it makes me feel uncomfortable, I just don’t say so really. I just seize up. He knows I like oral (vaginal). But I feel weird asking for it because even though he says he likes to, why does he almost never do it then? Again, I don’t ask to be rimmed.. One night I actually asked for oral, which is hard for me to do. When I was giving him head, I turned around so I could get a better angle as well as let him see my butt because he wanted to look. He ended up taking off my fishnets and rimming me and then we had sex but he completely skipped oral. He says he doesn’t know when I want it and that’s why he doesn’t do it but yet when I manage to get up enough to ask, it still rarely happens. And yet.. again, I don’t ask to be rimmed. I don’t understand. After so many months of this, I am starting to worry my vagina is repulsive or something. I bath at least once a day, often more, and always within 5-10 minutes of sex. As for oral, I’ve tasted myself. I give him head all the time, sometimes in the middle of sex for a switch up. I don’t taste bad! All I freakin’ eat is veggies and fruit. I don’t look bad either, I don’t think… I mean, as much as you can say that for a vagina..lol. He says he likes it. To look at it, touch, lick.. but actions are louder than words. His yell. Why does he always steer clear?
Anyway. I'm just lost at this point. Things have been a downward spiral since I got pregnant and I just feel very uncomfortable and self-conscious now with him. I don't feel like I know him. I just keep questioning myself over and over and wondering what things could be wrong with me and how, oh how, can I fix them. I just don’t know what to think anymore. It feels like every time I read this post, the effects have gotten deeper and harder to reverse and I’m wondering if I can ever feel normal about sex again. I feel bad because when he tries himself to make things better but saying what he thinks I want to hear, I just can’t believe it at this point as much I would like to. I love him. It’s been 8 years..7 of which were rare and amazing. But sometimes these days, I just wish I was with somebody else so I could feel legitimately wanted again.
Sorry, again, that it was so long.
You know, you can't compete with porn girls. They are professionals. Same as I can't play NFL football, lol. Neither of us should try these things (but it can be fun to watch).
If you feel weird and self conscious, so does he. And apparently he is getting a vibe that you want left alone down there. I know how hard it can be to talk about these things - I have a hard time bringing this stuff up with my wife. Without getting too graphic, maybe you could climb on and force the oral issue a little without having to talk at all. I am betting he'll get the message loud and clear. Might help, couldn't hurt, in fact should feel good as long as he does it right or probably even if he does it wrong.
Someone mentioned that you may have some depression going on, completely normal for after the baby. Perhaps an effort to relax and stop worrying, easier said than done I know. Keep in mind there is no perfect, and your intentions are too good for you to be a failure.
Hi... I've read all the posts. I understand it's your nature, you want to make him feel good, you prefer other people over yourself...
But damn, how can you do things for him all the time, yet he doesn't want to do things for you in return? Yeah, he can say that he felt guilty etc., but just like you said: actions speak louder than words do, and from what you wrote, he's not treating you right.
If it's your character, maybe you should visit a therapist. You know that, right? You MUST tell him if you don't like something. And you really shouldn't do all these things for him. Blowjobs everyday when he didn't even want to have normal sex with you, etc., etc. = it doesn't sound all right AT ALL. I believe he's nice and loving and everything but you're NOT his slave.
Stop caring so much about him. It's ok, but only if you do things for your own self too! You musn't ignore your own likes, needs. You are EQUAL, for god's sake. Stop acting like he's number 1 and you're number... I don't know, 25 maybe? -_-
Really. Please. DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF.
It's a stage. He will get through it. I go through phases where I prefer vaginal over anal and visa versa. Most guys are the same, I think. If, however, you are not enjoying it, tell him why just as you've done in yours replies and OP. Anal, like all sex, is only good if the woman enjoys it, too.
That said, he should be way more giving to you and more understanding of your wants and needs. A relationship works both ways, as does love when it is real. TBH, your relationship sounds very unhealthy, where you are in fact almost the slave.