How do I deal with widower's adult children?
261 answers - active on Feb 18th 2022
Anyone have any advice for me on how to deal with my husbands adult children after the death of their mother?
Their mother dropped over dead, unexpectantly, in her early 50's.
I've tried to be supportive to them, respecting their loss, knowing that I will never take the place of their mother (nor would I want to) but I would like to be able to get to know them better and be their friend. Is this just impossible?
They are not mean to me in any way. I just feel like an outsider that will never be let in. After 3 yrs of being with their father I feel like a relationship with his kids is like beating my head against the wall!
The daughter, age 32, is always calling her father on his cell phone putting a guilt trip of some sort on him.
Every time I try to plan a "holiday" so that my husband can share it with his family it never works. I tried this last Christmas, worked for days in the kitchen, only for my husband to get a phone call one hour prior to dinner that his daughter was sick and couldn't make it...but her family was going to come.
We have tried to plan camping outings, some succesfull, but if I try to cook something to help out it is never eaten. The daughter has to cook. She has to be in control.
When the outings aren't sucessfull, meaning not everyone shows up or if we don't see them for awhile then she lays on a guilt trip to her father..stating we just don't get to see one another. We live only 1/2 hr away from the daughter, have always encouraged them to come our house. They have been here 2 times in over 3 yrs.
On our second wedding anniversary his son called (I'm sure he didn't realize it was our anniversary) and asked him to come over because my husband had been wanting him to do some maintance on his truck. They also invited us to go boating along with his daughter. Unfortunately I cannot boat anymore due to my injury. I told my husband to go ahead and go. He enjoys the boat. Well my husband went to his sons but felt he was letting me down so decided not to go boating. His daughter called the next day, whining to him, that he never spent any time with them anymore. (did I mention he works full time too?) But yet they don't darken our door.
Several times over these years I've experienced devastating things in my life with loved ones passing and with my health. Not once did they show up at the funeral home or share their condolences. Never do they ask how I am. It's like I just do not exist in their world! It's very hurtful to me.
Just to give some background....I told my husband when we married that we would have to live in my house (I already had it paid for) that I couldn't live in his house that he shared with his wife. When he moved out I was the one that suggested he take both of his adult children to his house (no one else aloowed! not even me) and they go through and decide who wants what. I never said I wanted anything out of that house. So it's not like I tried to take any of their mother's things away from them.
My husband did bring a piano (nobody wanted), a dresser, and a grandfather clock that his wife bought for him on their 25th wedding anniversary (because he wanted it) and an older TV. I've never treated these kids with malice or been unfair to them in any way...the only thing I did was marry their father after their mother's sudden death.
My husband son is quite different...he treats me much better we just live an hour away from them.
I've tried everything I know to get along...finally I've given up. This makes me feel really bad for my husband.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Or should I just continue to give up?
Wow. You are really awful. Yes you. Daughter. Let your dad make his.own decisions. How dare you think it is okay to do a background check on who HE chooses to be with and as a licensed therapist, you need to go see someone to deal with your unearned sense of importance in relation to your father and his life. You are an adult and I am sure you have your own life difficulties. Focus on that. It is none of your concern nor is it any of your business.
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To Rosie 1989:
You need to mind your own business, and let your father live his life as he see's fit. YOU cannot be the judge of anyone's grieving process, except your own. Running a background check on his girlfriend is wrong. Your father is a grown man, he is not your child!! I would suggest that you stick to your OWN problems, rather than cause problems for your father.
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Well said. I am on the same page. Someone just told me that I was going to have to deal with this...my reply was basically I don't HAVE to do anything. My relationship is with the father just as the daughter has a relationship with the father. I could see if she was 12 or something then yes I definitely would feel obligated to deal with the childish and manipulative behavior. She is an adult and my kids are adults. I am a mom to adult children but done being a mommy.
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Couldn't help but chuckle when I read your post. It sounded exactly like mine from 8 yrs ago when in the original bloom of the relationship. At the time, it had become obvious something was out of whack between father & daughter (an only child) but I had no idea how truly sick (yes, sick) it was. I excused a lot thinking it was because of the passing of a spouse & parent. Forging ahead with confidence in myself, I didn't realize I was being played & used. 6 1/2 yrs , sucked in/ vested emotionally, & an engagement later events occurred which really let the monster out of the attic.
What some women seem to ignore here is that your "love" is pretty much in on it. You are the odd man out & always will be. Yes, there are occasions & men who are/ can be stand up guys but my experience & that of many others say that is rare. Man are not beyond manipulation/ lying themselves to get what they want. BTW - the only child thing is a definite pre-determinant for caution ahead. If someone is already telling you to beware because of the daughter, that is BAD. Believe me, you will end up burned no matter how strong you think you are. These ppl have had years to build & fortify, its you that is the invader. The daughter is already expert at self protection of her territory - Dad. Oh, and the fact you have children, that's a red alert for an only child especially an adult who is used to the sun rising & setting on her/ him.
Do yourself a favor, don't sink too much time/ emotion into him. It's almost impossible to flush it out early because he wants a relationship = sex/ companionship & is on best behavior. Good luck to you though.
You spoiled condescending brat---YER MOTHER IS GONE, DEAL WITH IT! Every body dies eventually! YER DAD IS HUMAN, HAS THE SAME NEEDS, WANTS YOU DO---INCLUDING, SEX, LOVE, HUGS, UNDERSTANDING FROM ANOTHER WOMEN! You are a spoiled brat and take that away from your father---GET A LIOFE OF YOUR OWN DWEEB
I'm married to a man who lost his wife back in August 2014 they were married for 20 years and had one daughter, his wife that passed away had a severe alcohol problem and she also had a house full of cats and they would fight over the house smelling like cat pee, he was not happy so he left her and told her he would come back when she stopped drinking and cleaned the house and took care of herself, she just got worse she would start off by drinking rum at 4 or 5 in the morning everyday, her daughter never came to visit their relationship was hot and cold. Their daughter is now pregnant she is still smoking cigarettes I got with her father just 5 months after her mother passed away from alcohol. 2 months prior to her death her husband moved back in however they didn't share a bedroom he came back to take care of her because she was sick. after she passed away me and him met at this library and started talking we hit it off, he is 14 years older than me I'm 36 and his daughter is just 2 years younger than me, when I first got with him shit hit the fan his daughter who lived an hour away came up to our home for a visit she then proceeded to cook a meal and she rearranged all my kitchen utensils back to how her mother had it, I felt bad for her thinking she must really miss her mom. I kept a picture up of her and her mother i respect their relationship and I know they are important to my husband. Me and him had a baby and his grown daughter was so jealous she wouldn't even come see her newborn baby sister it really hurt my husband and the entire family just couldn't understand her reasoning. She constantly throw fits about money thinking her father owes her, she's never worked a day in her life she lives in a house on our land that she won't even pay the electric bill and she has her boyfriend living with her and they like handouts and don't like to work, my husband told them they needed to at least pay the electric bill and low and behold guess who got blamed for that? I do his daughter sent me a message saying that her dad would never ask her for money and that life was so much easier before I got here and that having the baby ( her little sister) was the worst thing that's ever happened to her, I ignored the message. I go out of my way to make her feel wanted and I give and give and it's never enough she still don't want anything to do with me or her baby sister and it really hurts me. She even lived with us last summer after she left her ex boyfriend she lived with us for a few months and I let her use my van to go find a job, she got a job and she constantly had my van and would just take it without me knowing it got to a point where I felt like she was trying to take my van over, when her father bought me the van she was furious, she used my van all the time she would message me and act like my best friend well she finally got enough money for a down payment on her own car and once she had her own vehicle it was back to ignoring me and acting like I didnt exist, she's pregnant now and she sent me a message stating that her pregnancy didn't invole me and I had no room to even talk about it. Me and her father have been together for 7 years and the relationship between me and her is more sour then ever even more so since she got pregnant, she never comes over to visit anymore she never ask me to go anywhere and didn't even invite me to her baby shower. I am at my wits end with this girl I do not know how much more I can take. I just want to be accepted by her she is someone that is important to my husband and I just feel bad that she won't accept me. One time her aunt commented on how cute my nail polish was and his daughter immediately jumped in and had her hand in her aunts face saying look at mine. ( I mean seriously that is something a little girl would do) she is in her 30's im kind of scared to talk to my husband about this because he sees her as a little angel she even talks in a baby voice around him and once time he was laying in bed and she went and laid by him and put her leg up on him and she would be rubbing his back and looking to see if I was watching it freaked me out, once I left her baby sister in her care and I came home to find my baby with windex all in her diaper. (Still haven't figured that one out) I'm nice to her I'm polite I don't stir the pot or cause trouble I've even encouraged her father to take her out so they could have some time together but he is just to busy. I don't know what to do I'm so tired of this life why can't we all just get along and be happy
Your children may be more interested in their inheritance than they are in your wellbeing. Whatever you do, do not give in to their selfishness. I have found that today's young people don't want to be mature adults and look after their own kids. They want to enjoy life while grandparents do their child raising.
I am 62 years old and really enjoy talking with a widower who is 71. We belong to the same club. His wife died 6 years ago and his youngest daughter and her 2 children seem to have taken her place. The daughter is 40 and her children are 16 and 9. He takes the grandchildren to and from school, to medical appointments and, on Friday nights, he takes his 16-year-old granddaughter to and from her part-time job. He goes out looking for household goods his daughter needs to purchase.
Although I like this man, I think it would be a big mistake to become involved with him. I don't think he is looking for anyone, but he loves to chat and behave as if he thinks I am special. My advice to others is to spend a minimum of time chatting with such widowers as their behaviour is only attention seeking.
If you are having trouble with a widower and his children, and if he isn't willing to put you first and set them straight regarding various issues, give him the flick.
Maybe things will improve once she has her own child. Presumably she now has her own partner. If problems continue, I would direct her father to either haul her into line or be prepared for you to leave. The more rubbish she dishes up without any response from you or her father will only make her worse.
I would prefer for men in these circumstances to deal with their own children. If the man won't stick up for you, leave for a while, taking your baby with you. Refuse to come back until he has sorted her out permanently.
It's not your assets it's your dads to do with as he chooses. Your comments make you sound greedy. Very glad your not in my family.
My husband and I are in are late 50 early 60. We both were married previous over 30 years and each lost are spouses to cancer. He has 4 adult children I have no kids. All of his kids but 1 never recognise my birthday. And I feel like they just put up with me for there fathers sake. Even when we all meet somewhere I barely get a hello. It breaks my heart because I am very nice to them
I think the answer to all of these problems is simple. Ask the widower/father to deal effectively with his children. If he won't do this, leave him until he does.
As their father's wife, your husbands children should treat you with respect. If, as a family, you celebrate/ recognize birthdays etc., his children should do so for you. If they aren't, their father should speak with them. Stop being "nice" to people who treat you badly. No need for nastiness, just ignore them. Sounds like you need a good sit down with hubby. If he doesn't put you 1st, you have some thinking to do. There are plenty of fish is the sea.
A pre-nup that really doesn't change much. We have one and if we divorce then we leave with what we had before the signing of the pre-nup. After marriage we made a will. Actually I was given the pre-nup 2 weeks before we married. Hmmm... And I never expected my husband's adult kids or grandkids to call me mom or grandmother. 3 out of 4 of the kids are very selfish and it makes me cry often because I don't know why they dislike me. I never keep them from there father. They could care less when it's my birthday it's like I don't exist. Very self centered people
Geezzz.... ladies, I felt exhausted just reading what you are going through just because you married a widower. It is so unfar.
What gets me are those children who are adults and carrying on like ten year olds. That is so hard to deal with. I always make this expression (jokingly) "lucky are the single people".
Step children, almost always, make life difficult for the second wiife. Their disapproval could destroy the relationship.
I reckon if you have tried your best to make it work and tried so much to get along with his children and never worked,all because you were never given a chance, then you have to ask yourself if you want to save your sanity and live a peaceful life. There is life being a single person. We want to be with someone because we all want happiness. We all have a choice in life (most of the time).