How do I deal with widower's adult children?

Amen sister!! I am currently in a relationship with a widower of over a year. I am a widowof over 11 years Grown children can be completely selfish. Instead of wanting their father to be happy and get to know me they send invitations out for social events and tell their Dad he is not allowed for bring me cause they are not ready. , they still grieving. PAALEEEZ! It's all jealousy and complete selfishness!

Through a friend, I learned the single daughter and widowed father are back together again . . . the daughter as #1 wife at the father's side. Their love for each other is certainly eternal.

Thank you so much for writing what you did! I hope that my children will be able to feel as you do in the not-too-distant future. (I am widowed and have found new love but my kids "aren't there yet".) I have been so afraid that there is nothing but misery for me ahead, whether I marry again or not, based on the feelings/actions of my adult children. Your attitude gives me some hope that my children will feel the same in time.

Thank you for saying you want your father to be happy above all else. After reading through these posts I am left more confused and with more questions. I am dating a widower with three adult children, it has been very difficult to say the least. I want to be apart of their family more than anything, but feel like I am not being given a chance to do so. I moved in with their father, the house remains the same other than small changes, such as a few new pieces of cookware and very few photos of my family. These minor changes are viewed as drastic to the adult children. Two move in and out which, has been difficult as I believe one would rather me not living in the home. I have offered to move out while the adult children are home, (I did leave before the holidays, but was able to return after much debate to spend the holidays with their father) because above all else I love their father and want to see he happy. What can I do??? I do not want to be their mother or take her place as I have read in other posts. I would however like to be their friend and feel welcomed and comfortable in the home when they are there. Some days I feel like the only chance we have to be happy is to move out of the home, which saddens me as I know their father is happy in his home and loves living there. WHAT CAN I DO?????

Stop minimizing the ten years ago. Some days it hurts just like it was yesterday and it will effect them for the rest of their lives—some days just as bad as the day it happened. I am very sorry they were mean to you, but if you’ve never unexpectedly lost a parent as a child, you have absolutely no right to judge.

Wow, I ended up here because I was seeking advice for my own situation, but most of these posts are very discouraging. I have sold my house and will be getting married to a widower of seven years next week. We have spend the last few months remodeling his house. We are both in our early 60's. We have split the costs on that and will continue to split the cost on everything going forward. The house will be left to his kids even though I have put money into it and I am fine with that. What I have will go to my kids and what he has will go to his, so that is not the issue. I have made sure his kids took whatever they wanted from the house, if they wanted it. My fiance's son lives next door. He is married with 2 small, adorable children. His wife is also a peach. But here it is...his daughter lives diagonally across the street with her significant other of eight years. Her behavior was never great (why does it seem to be mostly the daughters that are a problem?), but as the marriage draws near her behavior is escalating in a negative way. She's a heart-on-her-sleeve, Facebook poster (many times a day). The posts are getting more and more disparaging. She's angry, angry that her father is getting remarried, angry that her mother's house doesn't look like her house anymore, angry that her mother never got the life she deserved and angry that she perceives me as getting what should have been her mother's (life, I guess). I have stayed completely out of it, but I can see that the remarks hurt her father terribly. His late wife died suddenly and unexpectedly. I realize that one never really gets over the loss of a mother, but it's not that. It's something else that is very disturbing. More and more the daughter's messages appear to blame her father for her mother's death. She implies that the stress he put her under caused her to have her heart attack. The daughter is 37 and says she has been unable to move forward with her life (by getting married and having children) without her mom in the picture. Her mother has a much younger sister who has an alcohol problem. The daughter says her aunt has never been the same since her mother died. Basically, she blames a lot of what is wrong in life on the death of her mother, and by extension, on her father. He already has guilt about his wife's death (why didn't he recognize that she was unhealthy. Why did he go to work that morning when he knew she wasn't feeling well, etc.) This just makes him feel worse and worse. Father and daughter started having "date night" after the mom died. I've encouraged the tradition, but it has taken a dark turn. Lately, when they go out daughter has too much to drink and cries about her mother. She says, "Why does she (me) get to have the good husband? Why does she get to have the nice life? Why couldn't Mom have had that, etc., etc." The daughter thinks the father has had a transformation since his wife died and is now a much better person. I don't know what he was like in their marriage. I wasn't there, but I doubt he was all that different than he is now. My feeling is the circumstances were different. They were under much more stress, due to the normal things - kids, finances, etc. They had kids awfully young and really struggled. Daughter doesn't understand because she is a DINK (double income, no kids). So, I find I am walking into a resentment mine field with soon-to-be husband that is feeling pretty awful. I'm actually fearful of how she will act at the wedding (especially if she has too much to drink). I wish his daughter would recognize the effect her behavior has on others, but I am in no position to say, or do anything about it. And it's not very comforting, at this late date, to find that this problem is very commonplace. It's too late for me to "run away as fast as I can" as one poster suggested. What I am getting from these posts is to stay out of it (whew, I have). Also, to maintain my own life. I am close to my family and I have a nice circle of girlfriends that I see regularly. Longevity does not run in my fiance's family. Both his parents died at age 70. My parents are 90 and 95, so it's very possible I will end up in that house by myself. I was assured that I would not get "kicked out" if he died before me, but after reading some of these posts, I'm not so sure. Nothing is in writing. I thought I was just having pre wedding jitters, but now I think I have legitimate concerns and I'm not sure what to do.

Well this is a way to blame women who are often treated like trash. Do you think women have no money and perhaps the men might need to sign a prenup? You can not help you love and neither can your father. Do you expect him to remain alone the rest of his life? My mother died when I was young and I saw half my family be kind to my father with the behavior towards his new wife and the other half stone her for living. SHE did nothing to deserve that but love my father and try to help heal him after my mother’s long struggle with illness. He spent everyday with my mom. He loved her. He deserved a chance at happiness again when she passed. My mom would have wanted that for him. Who was I too be selfish and treat him or her unfairly. He had suffered enough. Fast forward the tape, my current boyfriend is a widower and I can assure YOU I d not need a nickel from him, half the kids like me and the other it is a struggle. It is discouraging and honestly not necessary in this day and age for women to not just move on when it happens. Think about it.

Wish I could say something to help but after being remarried happily 9 years"widowed" and bending over backwards I've just simply came to the conclusion adult childrenn, in my case my daughter are simply self centered horses asses.

Sorry to say after 18 years I finally woke up to realize his children hate me I am so saddened by that but it's not me they hate it's the fact that their mother is not there anymore everything is done 2 submarine me through their father I can't fight it anymore I don't want to fight it anymore I'm tired I have no friends I have no family and his family hates me it's time that I move on I only pray that the families hatred goes away and they are happy I was told just last week that his children meant more to him and that he could not control how his children treated me or what they said to me and he knew they were mean to me but he felt sorry for them.

I would like to say what a toll it's taken on my health stressed it's so hard on your body now it's time to heal

Ive been dating a widower for 2.5 years. He has adult daughters. They are tremendously successful and have bright futures. However, as they move forward with their own lives, they want him to remain alone. It's ok for him to have a girl friend, as long as it's not serious and she's not part of their gatherings. My boyfriend is financially successful and has given everything possible to his daughters. But they don't want him to move on. They have been rude to me, they pretend I don't exist, they spy on our phone conversations and they have spoken so badly about me to the entire family. He is aware of everything, yet he's scared to confront them. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm in my 50's and am maybe not as financially successful as my boyfriend but I'm in good shape. I own a home, have bank accounts etc...As much as I'd like to believe these girls love their Dad, and when they talk to him about how they want him to be careful (in their baby voices), it's as clear as day to me that it's all about the money. They don't want a serious girlfriend in the picture because it would change the dynamics. They don't want him spending "their money" on his girlfriend. He's also very financially supportive of the rest of the females in his family and they also look to start trouble. At this point in my life, I'm too smart for this. I have my own money and I truly seek a life that will be as peaceful and uneventful as possible. With these daughters and the rest of the family, I realize I will never be in peace. He is unable to address any of this with any family members because he is scared he will hurt their feelings. I decided it's over. I couldn't do it anymore. I feel so badly because he is such a nice guy, but even with that, I can't overlook the disrespect and manipulation that occurs on a daily basis. We must always remember to value ourselves.

I am an adult child living with my father after my mother passed Aug 1 will be three years. We have had a plan for me to eventually move back out on my own, in the meantime my father has met this other woman who at first my sister and I thought was great she made our dad happy and that is all we wanted was his happiness, he took such great care of our mother and he deserved to live the rest of his life happy and he grieved so hard for our mother it was very difficult to see him like that. However, this new woman has from date four pushed for marriage, he gave her an engagement ring around New Years which he did slip one conversation and say maybe it will slow her roll about marriage. He was not ready for marriage as he knew there were things that we had a plan as for myself getting my own place but certain things had to happen first. It seems this woman makes him happy but my father has turned into a totally different person and she does not want anything to do with his family, and he cannot see that. She has him convinced that we as adult children would feel this way with any woman which is not at all true. We have always been a very close family and talked about everything, now he will not hardly talk to us and when he does she is constantly interrupting or he looks as though it is painful or not interested. We truly want our father happy! My question is do we have to lose him in order for that to happen before we actually lose him?

I totally can understand it all the anxiety you feel. It's as if you did something to the mother who passes on. They usually don't see that their dad can be happy again. They use us as the scapegoat to take their pain out on from their loss. And yes the dad is usually feeling guilty for paying attention to you. I have a similar issue his 36 yr old son is very clingy to his dad and he is married and has two teens. I feel like the outsider ... Not any support from my Widower boyfriend. Wishing they could go to serious counselling. We shall ssd how this works out. One the note of your situation have a real heart to heart with him, maybe go to counselling together. My thoughts are with you good luck in your relationship.

No kidding no thought to the happiness of your father. It is hard to lose a parent for sure ...been there too. A neighbor had interest in my mom a couple years after my dads passing. I wanted to give this man a chance because my moms happiness was more important than her riches she could leave me and my sister. Think outside your own needs it may give you a different perspective. This is supposed to be about their need to be loved as well...we all need to feel genuinely loved...not judged.

So sad, I see anger and resentment in your words. Its all a balancing act. It is also difficult to live in a place that totally has the personality of the previous person. Have to meet in the middle, its ok to make some changes to feel you belong. Its healthier for everyone. And yes, it does help to make you feel better and facilitate adjustment. Just so you know.........