How do I deal with widower's adult children?
261 answers - active on Feb 18th 2022
Anyone have any advice for me on how to deal with my husbands adult children after the death of their mother?
Their mother dropped over dead, unexpectantly, in her early 50's.
I've tried to be supportive to them, respecting their loss, knowing that I will never take the place of their mother (nor would I want to) but I would like to be able to get to know them better and be their friend. Is this just impossible?
They are not mean to me in any way. I just feel like an outsider that will never be let in. After 3 yrs of being with their father I feel like a relationship with his kids is like beating my head against the wall!
The daughter, age 32, is always calling her father on his cell phone putting a guilt trip of some sort on him.
Every time I try to plan a "holiday" so that my husband can share it with his family it never works. I tried this last Christmas, worked for days in the kitchen, only for my husband to get a phone call one hour prior to dinner that his daughter was sick and couldn't make it...but her family was going to come.
We have tried to plan camping outings, some succesfull, but if I try to cook something to help out it is never eaten. The daughter has to cook. She has to be in control.
When the outings aren't sucessfull, meaning not everyone shows up or if we don't see them for awhile then she lays on a guilt trip to her father..stating we just don't get to see one another. We live only 1/2 hr away from the daughter, have always encouraged them to come our house. They have been here 2 times in over 3 yrs.
On our second wedding anniversary his son called (I'm sure he didn't realize it was our anniversary) and asked him to come over because my husband had been wanting him to do some maintance on his truck. They also invited us to go boating along with his daughter. Unfortunately I cannot boat anymore due to my injury. I told my husband to go ahead and go. He enjoys the boat. Well my husband went to his sons but felt he was letting me down so decided not to go boating. His daughter called the next day, whining to him, that he never spent any time with them anymore. (did I mention he works full time too?) But yet they don't darken our door.
Several times over these years I've experienced devastating things in my life with loved ones passing and with my health. Not once did they show up at the funeral home or share their condolences. Never do they ask how I am. It's like I just do not exist in their world! It's very hurtful to me.
Just to give some background....I told my husband when we married that we would have to live in my house (I already had it paid for) that I couldn't live in his house that he shared with his wife. When he moved out I was the one that suggested he take both of his adult children to his house (no one else aloowed! not even me) and they go through and decide who wants what. I never said I wanted anything out of that house. So it's not like I tried to take any of their mother's things away from them.
My husband did bring a piano (nobody wanted), a dresser, and a grandfather clock that his wife bought for him on their 25th wedding anniversary (because he wanted it) and an older TV. I've never treated these kids with malice or been unfair to them in any way...the only thing I did was marry their father after their mother's sudden death.
My husband son is quite different...he treats me much better we just live an hour away from them.
I've tried everything I know to get along...finally I've given up. This makes me feel really bad for my husband.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Or should I just continue to give up?
I feel sorry for your hatred
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What the heck. Why should a person with her own family give up her own traditions? It is called, sharing and caring. Taking turns with holidays. Taking turns with two families that need you both. Otherwise the other other side of the family feel left out and hurt.
Money, money, money. Yes, I agree offer to sign a prenup. If he doesn't want to, then that is up to him. You can't force him. In our state, even a handwritten Will would clear up any suspicion to who gets what if he should pass first, which I have told my widower to do over and over again. I wouldn't want to live in his house after his death, should he predecease me anyway.
In my case his house was in foreclosure when we first me. So, I dated him because of who he was, not what he has. He is even in arrears for years with the IRS. I am helping pay this off. Of course his children do not know this, and as said earlier, it is none of their business. If he died now, we would have to sell the house to pay the IRS and his other outstanding debts.
I think that if the widowers can just dialog with their children. some of the hurt can be addressed, but I know mine has problems with it. He wasn't even visiting them until I came along. I encouraged him to visit them. And, if I go with him for a visit, it is because he has asked me to go with him. I do not like being cornered to go over personal stuff that he should be talking to them about. Just as I wouldn't want him to step in for me with my children.
No one could ever replace someone's mother. Ever. I think the new wife's are just asking to be treated with dignity and respect. I for sure do not want to be hateful to someone that has lost a parent in sudden death. Both my parents are gone, and I still miss them. I have lost a child to death, both parents to death, a younger sibling to death and a husband to death. Each person you lose to death is always a part of you. No one can ever bring them back. No one can erase the memories. But, blaming a new wife for a parents inability to see things as they are is not her fault. He is their parent and a new wife should help him to rise to the occasion as their only surviving parent. I know I am an only parent to my children, so it hurts to know they hurt over it. I would hope to marry my widower with the compassion to see their hurt and keep reminding myself it is not about me. It is about he and I and them. I want to be fair to them, but never push my own children to the side to overcompensate for something that I can never, nor would I try to replace in the loss of my widower's children s loving mother.
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Boloney! Most people "think" adults will behave like adults, not spoiled 2 yr olds. Those "monies" are the surviving spouses', not their children's', to do what they want with. And no, people don't always know what they're going to be dealing with. Background check? She should do a background check on you. What an arrogant piece of work you are. Just be happy for your Dad, stop being judge & jury because your little world may be shaken.
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Honey, I think you know the answer already. Of course you're a threat to all the slackers. You may love him but he is a package deal. Do you really want this for yourself and your own children? If he is worth what you think, he'll gladly cut the cords with leech family. Going forward though, they will cause you hell. This thread is loaded with those who went in with the best intentions and positive out looks. Are you reading? We can only do so much. The only person you can control is yourself. Have a sit down, Come to Jesus meeting with your guy, see how he reacts and what he does. It will tell what you'd be in for. His family is going no where. You are the interloper. You're worth more then what's headed your way. There's other fish in the sea. Believe me, he is the one getting the great deal not you.
No doubt, it's a two way street. However, I'm not sure all those studies focus upon "Adult Children." It is vastly different when dealing with small children who have lost a parent. The well of patience is not bottomless.
I know it's hard but try to have patience. She may be trying to be "motherly" to you (of course, that's her version). If it continues, sit her down and tell her. As far as the stuff? It's just stuff, let it go. If you feel sentimental about some of it, ask if you could have it. Problem solved, she's happy because it's gone & youre happy because you have memories. Your Dad is in a new relationship now and his wife doesn't ALWAYS need to be reminded that he had a beautiful family and life with someone else.
Wow! These are way old. If you still want to know ... We had gotten engaged but when it came time I really needed him, he wasn't there for me. He just could not tear away from his daughter. I realized, my needs and me would never come in first. That's not the type of marriage I wanted. I spent a lot of time being patient, accommodating, generous of time and money, but didn't change a thing. I think my patience and kindness actually made both of them think I was a doormat. I dumped him! Rather be alone than treated like a piece of garbage.
I've been in a relationship for 6 years. One daughter is respectful: the other similar to the one you describe. She lives 10 hours away and is in control of her dad. I attempted to be kind and have been met with hostility. Fortunately, We are not cohabiting because when she comes to town daddy's little girl rules the roost. It doesn't get better unless the father is capable of setting limits. We are in the last gasp of the relationship. Quit while you're ahead.
My situation was a horror scene. I still wonder about "Daddy & his little girl's" relationship, it was way too close from my experience. More like husband/ wife or Mother/ son. Yuk! I ended it because it just became to unbalanced. There came a point where I was turned off by him. There should be a test so people don't waste valuable years.
Yes, it does get to the point that you are repulsed by the lack of appropriate boundaries between a father and daughter and begin to imagine the worst. That's when you're gone, even though the emotional infidelity should have been enough to drive you away already.
I hope you will behave differently next time your father has a chance of happiness with someone else, its sad that he found someone to make him happy and is divorced again, Maybe if your attitude changed he would still be happy.
Thank the Lord I'm not alone. My boyfriends daughter 25 does the same stuff and brings his only grandchild into guilting him into doing things that he shouldn't he already pays full coverage car insurance on her car which she made him take a loan out on and pays for her contract cell phone every month. When she doesn't get her way she says it's bc I manipulate him to stay away from her and her baby. And manipulate's him to give her painkillers by lying and when I convinced him to stop fueling her addiction she said I filled his head with all ghis bad stuff about her all these lies that I did this and that and I'm the reason she won't visit or let him see his grandson.
Oh, you are definitely not alone in this. You say he's your boyfriend? Some advise? Don't make it more permanent until there are consistent changes in the relationship. Make sure you're the one who ALWAYS speaks positively about the daughter in all ways. Come up with suggestions for them to spend time together, even without you. Another words, kill it with kindness. By doing this, you expose the situation for what it s.
No guarantee that he'll pay mind but if not, it's just not worth the heart ache.
yep I'm in the same shape.my widowed boyfriend of 4 yrs don't have anything.his 4 grown daughters took everything from him after the mother passes.he only had an old beat up pickup and the clothes on his back when I met him.he is 74yrs old and I am 62.im the one that has the home not him and his 4 daughters still hate me.im too old to go through this.
I have a prenup. Actually I have come into the relationship with very little debt compared to my husband. I have far more in my 401K. Prenups do not solve the problem. It's all about the heart and spirit of people. The spirit within us tells us when we are not living right or making decisions not based in love.