How do I deal with widower's adult children?

I am starting to get worried aboutmy situation, after reading some pretty awful horror stories here of women who get stuck in very difficult living situations when they marry a widow who has an abnormal kind of care taking arrangement with his adult children. I think my biggest fear is of being stuck in an unbearable living situation. My b/f told me he would be fine with his son and his son's g/f living with us and not paying rent as long as they are saving for a down payment on a house. But his son just decided to stop working 2 weeks before he had stop working to go back to school this fall. This was, of course, a job that his father got for him through a work colleague. And all he has been doing during that time is lie around the house watching TV, smoking pot (he smokes daily) and waiting for his father to come home from work so he can cook him dinner or buy him take out. That is why I am not optimistic about the son acting responsibly if (when) he moves in with us. I fear being stuck in a situation where the son is not really working and not seriously looking for a job. I think I'd rather be alone than live like that, however lonely it might get.

Run..now..it doesnt get better

Run it gets worse

Well said ..if you lose one parent surely you want the surviving parent to be loved and cared for?

I disagree, my husband has been a widow for 20 years when we married. His adult daughter acts like she has to be the central of everything and runs to the rest of his family when I won't do what she wants. I work 60 hours a week and when I get a day off she wants me to babysit. She even wants to know my work schedule so if her daughter off school I should be expected to babysit. I refuse to so Iam the bad person. I have a grown son and grandson I want to see them when I can, and this is upsetting to my husband and his daughter. I am at the point where I am limiting my time with my husband family because I am tired of her complainting to my husband and his family to make me look bad. I am sick of the way my husband acts when we are spending time with my family because he feels jealous or qulity because of his daughter. I have tried hard to be fair and after 6 years of them treating me bad and being rude to my son and myself I am done. I don't feel bad at all either. I think the turning point is the way she would pout if I sat next to my husband at the table and this last time I was over Husand parents,she sat next to him and gave me a sly look like a 6 year old. I decided that life is to short and I have plans for my life and being around controling rude people is not one of them. Her problems and my husband problems are theirs and I going to enjoy my life and stay away. She has called me a gold digger and the funny thing her dad does not have much money and I am better off then him. She is upset I live in her dad and moms house which is not paid off and I am helping with the payment and put 20,000 in remodeling it. She told me and her dad he should sign the house over to her. I only agree to live there because her dad wants to live there in the same town as his parents because of they are 80 years old. Our agreement is when they are gone we will sell and move. Their is a time to grow up and get over things.

It sounds a little one sided. You don't sound very compassionate when you describe their mother as "dropped over dead" and you really couldn't go boating but you expect them to come to your events? I've dealt with a similar situation. You also thinking you are generous by allowing his children to have the items they grew up with, here's a clue those items belong to them not you, so it's not your decision anyway. Stop patting yourself on the back for nonsense and really try to extent yourself before you can be accepted, be true

I married a widower in April 2015 after a year of dating. I was 64 and he was 68 yrs old. I was divorced 19 yrs. he was widowed 3 1/2 yrs. He has 2 adult daughters. He was married to his high school sweetheart for 43 yrs. He has 6 grandchildren. These daughters have given us nothing but problems. They have caused a huge divide in my marriage. I found out one daughter who is 42 has been divorced 3 times. She is getting married for the 4th time 1/1.16. He chose a caterer to hire for her marriage as her wedding gift. He asked me to call them and make the arrangements. I did. They wanted the e act Address of the place where she was getting married. I asked her for it. She only had the name of the street. She did not offer to get the exact address. Therefore I called and got it and they asked me how many guess were coming for this party. I told them. That was on Saturday. Monday my husband got an email that the place of canceled the whole wedding party because the contract clearly states that there is no events or parties allowed. We then got a text from his daughter saying that I ruined her wedding day and I took over everything which is not true. I merely coordinated the caterer as my husband asked me to and she had already agreed to it and agreed to what was going to be Served. As we were staying next-door to them we pulled our contract and sure and off it clearly stated no events or parties were allowed. So I had no guilt I did not feel it was my fault. Either she did not read the contract or read it and decided to take a chance and do it on the sly. We even got a text from her telling us that I ruined her marriage that she's been planning for months and that I took over everything. This is caused a huge rift between my husband and I. He did text her back telling her I was not responsible for the problem and why. However he followed it up with a one hour phone call to her and her sister listening to them badmouth me up-and-down and never sticking up for me. Now there's a problem between him and I because I'm not happy with the way he handled that. I also found out that this daughter who's getting married for the fourth time and she's only 42 years old and then in the psych ward for a month in her senior year in high school. However I do know the other daughter was just as bad because she's very controlling and manipulative and is accusing me of that. I'm so distraught over these daughters and I haven't even been married one year yet. I don't know how I can continue on my life with him in this drama type atmosphere.

I too, have a lover who lives very far away. I live in the Rocky Mountains, and she lives in Colombia. Like most of the people on this blog, 5 out of 6 of my children are NOT accepting of my new partner. Financial issues are a major part of it. Also, I'm certain they feel angry that another woman has stolen my heart, even though it has been almost 2 years since my wife of 48 years died. Here's the good news. I miss my late wife and talk to her almost daily. But I'm crazy about my new fiance. I only see her every three months, but we are both crazy about each other. Her very large family accepts me and loves me. We will live together in Colombia about 8-9 months of the year, and we will "visit" the USA to see my kids. I love them all dearly, but I'm not allowing them to take control, or to put me on a guilt trip. I AM THE ONE WHO DESERVES TO BE HAPPY, I would prefer that they allow me to be happy, too. But if they cannot give me their blessing, I'm not going to accept life on their terms. I miss having a beautiful woman to hold, to kiss, to go to the movies and hold hands, to go to dinner with, to laugh with, to watch TV with, to hug and hug and hug. I REFUSE TO ALLOW MY KIDS TO DENY ME OF HAPPINESS. And, being with Elena is what makes me most happy. PERIOD. I refuse to put my sweetheart in the path of any of my kids who do not show her sincere respect. She appreciates that, and she is very happy even when visiting in the USA. You widows and widowers need to decide on your priorities. If your children are too immature to accept that you deserve happiness, let them be miserable. Don't buy into their strategies to deny your happiness. To be even more brutally honest, either grow up or forget about getting married again. Your ONLY objective is to find happiness . . . don't destroy your mate's joy by letting your kids drive a wedge between you.

Thank you so much for this post.

I really appreciate this post. Thank you.

they say money is the root of all evil.as a child I never thought what I woulg get when my parents passed away.too bad it is a thing with children nowadays.i am a widower and so is my boyfriend.we are 60 plus.Cannot children be happy that their parents finally found someone.if things need to be said they should tell me.being upfront is good

Ill add my bit, Ive been with my husband now for 7 years. He had 2 daughters and a son and had been separated for 12 years, his wife left and is still with the same guy she left with. I moved to my husbands house which he had purchased 6 months before so it wasnt the family home. I left family and friends and moved to where I didnt know anyone. The eldest daughter then 18 was a lying manipulative person, who spread many lies about me, I have had people approach me and tell me, even years later. She was not happy if she couldnt manipulate her father for money etc. She lied to her father many times that i did this or said that and caused us to argue for no reason.. He was feeling stuck in the middle when I could see clear as day what she was up too. Fast forward to now she is 23 , My husband finally realized just before it was too late what she was up to, I think he may have talked to one of our mutual friends about it, For the father she so badly loved she doesn`t even bother with now. The other 2 children were ok but she now manipulates them not to see us also. My son accepts both of us fine without drama and Im not saying that because he is favored , its because his behavior is fine. If he rings and asked us to meet him for dinner on a weekend we say yes or no without a big drama. If he wants to visit he asks if we will be home and comes out. We have treated them all very fairly and if his children want to hold it against him for having a partner we cannot make my son go without forever. We didnt have him in the wedding so as not to upset the daughter and I found out he was quite hurt. If my husband didnt realize I wouldnt be here still with him, I was getting physically sick, it can and has made me physically sick, what makes it worse is you cant complain to your husband or if you do you have to tread very carefully. Im sad for my husband that his children are that way and hopefully the other two will act differently once they are married with children, but as for the oldest daughter I have no respect for her and am at the stage where she is just a person not to be trusted or given the benefit of doubt. It has affected our life in a major way. We dont have enjoyable family gatherings, xmas and easter etc are ussually just us two. It is so sad there are people like this in the world, no one wins. The major thing for me was to have my husbands understanding and it wasnt until last year that I got that from him finally. I can now relax knowing that her lies no longer can cause us grief and pain because now my husband knows how much she lies, before he didnt and refused to acknowledge that his daughter could be like that. It was last year when we had a birthday lunch planned for my husband and she wanted it to be changed to her house instead of a hotel, He said lets just give into her and not bother. I finally put my foot down and said no thats it. She makes everything into a drama and I dont care if shes not there. He rang to tell here we were doing as planned and he got lies about his mother going again etc which he had no choice but to face her lying to manipulate the situation again. She didnt turn up. We went to counselling about it early on and that didnt work but I guess it helped in the long run. I thank god every day that he realized. I had reiki treatments to help along the way and even learnt reiki one myself so I could help myself deal with the stress. I fully can say it helped me deal with the situation more than any people I knew as they DO NOT UNDERSTAND, no one can until they have been in the situation. Even my sisters who had no idea were telling me I should be doing this and that and they only made the situation worse for myself, I also blamed myself for my husband missing out on his adult children being involved in his life, but I realize thats how they are choosing to behave and as I have said the key is to get through to the father of these miserable beings how their children are behaving, that is the hard part. Enough rambling from me and good luck to you from someone who has and is in the situation, remember most importantly to take care of your health before any ungrateful adult children.

I am engaged to a widdowed man that is the best man I've ever met. Kind, loving, chemistry deffinately. He is four years my senior and everything seemed fine until we got engaged. The nice nice ended and the hurt started. I am always confused, and hurt or frustrated at being the outsider looking in. They think I'm petty for noticing and openly saying that the passive aggressive comments and behaviors toward me are exactly what they are. Huge family rift. My fiencee is stuck in middle. He is not wealthy. I work full time and mandatory overtime, bla bla bla. Half his adult children don't work, and he is semi retired. So with me always working and just now getting my youngest graduated from high school there isn't much time to to anything. I'm always ( not spending time with them, or I don't like them because I don't come around a lot). More complicated and full of hurt than I can write. Just saying this has caused many problems for both myself and my fiencee. It has damaged us as a couple. Not sure now what to do. My part at retaliating when I'm just over it has not gone well either. Can't say I did not become part of the problem. Money is a concern as well. I feel like we as a couple could make it. Also words I've spoken have been misunderstood or embellished and then they all talk amongst eachother/ without me present and seal the combined dislike for me further. I've cried many times and feel extremely awkward with his adult children. The whole thing is sad. My adult children love him. Look up to him. So basically I am the working mule fiencee that I feel am looked down on. Not by everyone but they are all interconnected. The 33 year old son and his new wife live under his free roof, his older brother lives under his free roof when he is in town. In the house they grew up in. That is not my cup of tea. Never have welcomed grown adult children and a future husbands older brother living under my roof. I have wondered many times if that is part of the threat I pose to this family. The proverbial umbilical chord is three inches long, if that. So sad. It could easily be our endgame.

What makes you think the new wife is the one to blame for the estrangement? Did she shackle him to the pulpit and put a gun to head to force the "I do" out of him? What makes you think you are entitled to your father's belongings, retirement savings, or home? He's the one who worked for it all, not you. It's his to do with what he chooses, just as your hard earned assets are your own to keep or give according to your own choosing. Has it ever occurred to you that he may actually need his assets to fund his own elder care one day? Or were you planning on feeding him, housing him, running him around to his doctor appointments, bathing him, and changing his diapers when senility sets in? Life can be really tough to live out on one's own after a spouse dies. Things may not go according to the image you may have in your head about the future. Dad may not die peacefully asleep in his bed leaving you the hier. He may linger for years and all his cash could be exhausted very quickly, leaving his wife with less than youmight imagine. ...and would you be glad to see your step mother left with nothing if her husband died before her? Would you do that to your own wife? If not, then why should he do it to her? Children leave the nest and build their own lives. It's good to remember them with a financial blessing if you can, but they have no rights to it. JMO

Run. I married a wonderful man nearly three years ago. We'd known each other for 14 years before dating so I thought I knew him. The dynamics are nearly impossible to overcome. Blood is thicker than water. I love my husband. When it is just he and I, we have a great time. But that is only about 2 % of the time. The rest of the time, I am an outsider, interloper, and feel like a mistress. His son barely tolerates me. My own children have been treated like outsiders, and my relationship with them has suffered. Run. Now. Before you chicken out. Wait for someone who will keep your marriage sacred and the top priority. At the very least, let the man you're reading read all this, both of you do some research, get some counseling, involve the grown children in a discussion that lets them know they are not in charge. y heart breaks every day. There has been progress, but I've struggle more with depression and anxiety in the past three years than in my entire previous 44 years combined, even though going through a divorce. Don't think "we will be smarter and stronger than all the other couples who struggle with this." Be realistic. It can be done, but only if all are telling the truth.