How do I deal with widower's adult children?
261 answers - active on Feb 18th 2022
Anyone have any advice for me on how to deal with my husbands adult children after the death of their mother?
Their mother dropped over dead, unexpectantly, in her early 50's.
I've tried to be supportive to them, respecting their loss, knowing that I will never take the place of their mother (nor would I want to) but I would like to be able to get to know them better and be their friend. Is this just impossible?
They are not mean to me in any way. I just feel like an outsider that will never be let in. After 3 yrs of being with their father I feel like a relationship with his kids is like beating my head against the wall!
The daughter, age 32, is always calling her father on his cell phone putting a guilt trip of some sort on him.
Every time I try to plan a "holiday" so that my husband can share it with his family it never works. I tried this last Christmas, worked for days in the kitchen, only for my husband to get a phone call one hour prior to dinner that his daughter was sick and couldn't make it...but her family was going to come.
We have tried to plan camping outings, some succesfull, but if I try to cook something to help out it is never eaten. The daughter has to cook. She has to be in control.
When the outings aren't sucessfull, meaning not everyone shows up or if we don't see them for awhile then she lays on a guilt trip to her father..stating we just don't get to see one another. We live only 1/2 hr away from the daughter, have always encouraged them to come our house. They have been here 2 times in over 3 yrs.
On our second wedding anniversary his son called (I'm sure he didn't realize it was our anniversary) and asked him to come over because my husband had been wanting him to do some maintance on his truck. They also invited us to go boating along with his daughter. Unfortunately I cannot boat anymore due to my injury. I told my husband to go ahead and go. He enjoys the boat. Well my husband went to his sons but felt he was letting me down so decided not to go boating. His daughter called the next day, whining to him, that he never spent any time with them anymore. (did I mention he works full time too?) But yet they don't darken our door.
Several times over these years I've experienced devastating things in my life with loved ones passing and with my health. Not once did they show up at the funeral home or share their condolences. Never do they ask how I am. It's like I just do not exist in their world! It's very hurtful to me.
Just to give some background....I told my husband when we married that we would have to live in my house (I already had it paid for) that I couldn't live in his house that he shared with his wife. When he moved out I was the one that suggested he take both of his adult children to his house (no one else aloowed! not even me) and they go through and decide who wants what. I never said I wanted anything out of that house. So it's not like I tried to take any of their mother's things away from them.
My husband did bring a piano (nobody wanted), a dresser, and a grandfather clock that his wife bought for him on their 25th wedding anniversary (because he wanted it) and an older TV. I've never treated these kids with malice or been unfair to them in any way...the only thing I did was marry their father after their mother's sudden death.
My husband son is quite different...he treats me much better we just live an hour away from them.
I've tried everything I know to get along...finally I've given up. This makes me feel really bad for my husband.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Or should I just continue to give up?
Oh...I love your reply. I just wish second wives or third wives get the proper support they need from the man they married.
Why is it that they never seem to support them?. Really??
Is it guilt? Or a matter of "Blood is thicker than water".
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Good luck to you. You seem to be a pragmatic person. Remember the expression "Be careful what you wish for".
Father and daughter both need time to grieve and heal and accept the fact that life goes on after the healing process.
It looks to me that the darling daughter has a big grip on Daddy.
This, itself, will be a problem for any future new wife. The daughter won't just let go of the father. She won't set him free from her grip. At the end of the day, it is up to Daddy to set himself free from his daughter's grip. Hanging out too much with his adult daughter is not appropriate. She should run her own life and him, his. If I were you, I would be patient for now. Give him time. If they become too inseparable, then watch for "the signs of things to come".
Wishing all the best.
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To answer your question "why is it that they never seem to support them?", I believe there is not just one answer. I found myself in a similar situation, dating a widower who had one 40 year old daughter, she had one son. From the beginning, I was excluded from their Sunday dinners, from Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, she would call her father and demand that I leave the house, when she wanted to come over to talk to him, etc. Fortunately, I never moved in with him, or worse....married him. After several months, and many discussions with him, I learned that she (the daughter) would not allow him to see his grandson if I were present. And the visits with his grandson became very "conditional". I know he loves his grandson dearly, and I realized, had he "held HIS ground" with his daughter, he would NOT see his grandson anymore. A very ugly situation, of his daughter using her son, his grandson, as the "ultimate trump card". I was in love with him, however, I realized there was no future for us, and I wanted no part of the dynamics in this family. He and I have remained casual friends.
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I am so sorry to hear this. Maybe if the grandfather had stood his ground with his daughter, she would have given up trying to control him.
Run. Or at least go very, very slowly and don't marry this man for at least five years. I am married now 4 1/2 years to a widower. (He had two kids, and I had two kids, all teenagers -- worst time to start a step-family.) Our families knew each other through church and kids grew up in youth group together. I thought since we all knew each other it would be "easier." His previous wife was an alcoholic who committed suicide. I foolishly thought they'd grieved and were doing well by the time we started dating (about 1 1/2 years after her death.) He and his kids bonded over the trauma they went through and will never accept me or my kids as family. I was naive. I loved him and thought we could "overcome." I should have done more research. It's been hell. My physical and emotional health are ruined. My relationship with my own children has suffered. I caution you strongly. The posts here are accurate. I should tell you that I sold my house, my husband sold his house, and we moved into a new house in my husband's neighborhood so his kids' would not be disrupted. His kids have the biggest bedrooms with bathrooms of their own, my kids ("because they're only there half time") got the smaller rooms and didn't complain. My stepson got his own basketball court (even though he doesn't play basketball much anymore.) Our lives revolve around his sports (football mostly). My kids and I are into the arts and music, but that gets shoved by the wayside since his kids are around much more than mine. I believe part of the reason my kids are around less now that they are adults is because of the lack of acceptance and tension they feel when his kids are there. I have been an emotional wreck and not a good mother to my children since getting remarried. I wish I'd known more before I got into this. I have not spent my husband's money lavishly (in fact, I've begged him to sell the huge house we have and move into a smaller home in town near our jobs, school, friends, etc. but his son doesn't want to move). I have never denied him time with his kids, which means I've given up (admittedly sometimes not very graciously) time with him. He breaks plans at the last minute, doesn't make plans with me, but does make plans with them, and other members of his family. He just assumes I'll be around and "plans" 10 minutes in advance. Often I find out at the last minute he's doing something with them and end up alone, since all my friends have already made plans. Holidays, birthdays, Mother's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving ....all pretty much hell. Tense, ruined time for me and my kids. Be forewarned.
I have had these exact same thoughts. In a similar situation. The relationship has ruined my self-esteem, and my relationship with my own kids. I guess they tell you what they think you want to hear in the beginning because they're lonely. I am almost five years in and think I need to find the strength to move on. I am worried my kids will blame me, as they don't really see what goes on, and I don't bad-mouth my husband to them. They like him just fine. My step-kids tolerate me at best and would likely be thrilled if I left. I don't think they'd miss me or my kids at all.
Run. They'll eat you alive. Your emotional and physical health will suffer, and it will affect your children. If you continue to date this man because you love him and enjoy his company, because he treats you well, and because it feels positive and healthy, so be it. But if you marry him, all that will change. Do your research. Consider yourself forewarned.
I am dating a widower with 2 adult children. One, a 35 year old son, is on a permanent, lifetime "Dad" scholarship which will never end. New cars, trips, all paid for by Dad, who excuses it all away based on the death of his children's mother when they were quite young. . . The son has a part-time job and expensive habits that Dad pays for without an end. if we're in the same room, the son sits on his cell phone or talks to his father, makes plans with his father or just leaves with his Dad with no idea of when the Dad wil return. When we drive, the son needs to sit in the front seat because he gets "car sick". I am not so far into this that I cannot end it, although the Dad has many qualities I like. Once, I became very angry, and I swore that will never happen again because it was really a well-laid trap developed by the son . . . Having already said what I had to say and seeing the handwriting on the wall, if I could end the relataionship without mentioning his kids, I think that would be my preference . . .
I am dating a widower with 2 adult children. One, a 35 year old son, is on a permanent, lifetime "Dad" scholarship which will never end. New cars, trips, all paid for by Dad, who excuses it all away based on the death of his children's mother when they were quite young. . . The son has a part-time job and an expensive weekly lifestyle that Dad pays for without an end. If we're in the same room, the son sits on his cell phone or talks to his father, makes plans with his father or just leaves with his Dad with no idea of when the Dad will return. When we drive, the son needs to sit in the front seat because he gets "car sick". I am not so far into this that I cannot end it, although the Dad has many qualities I like. Once, I became very angry, and I swore that will never happen again because I saw myself reacting to what was essentially quite a clever and well-laid trap developed by the son . . . Having already said what I had to say and seeing the handwriting on the wall, if I could end the relationship without mentioning his kids, I think that would be my preference . . .
If you really like the man, you could try to approach the topic of the man's son very gently. You could ask whether or not he was a codependent of his own parents at age 35, or whether they allowed him the right to grow up and look after himself and form his own family. Ask him if he thinks this codependent situation will actually do his son any good.
If you are being relegated to the back seat of the car, and Dad is heading out with his son without saying a word to you, this is delivering the message that you come last. Ask the man how he would feel if you did this to him i.e. if he had to get into the back seat while your daughter rode shotgun.
Perhaps you could suggest that the man is still knee deep in his past life and not ready to move on to a real relationship with you, and see how he responds. If he is aggressive or says things you don't like, grab your purse and get out without saying another word, because he just isn't worth the trouble. Then let him stew on it and wait for him to contact you again after he has weighed up whether or not he wants to lose you.
I have already covered all of the items you mention just as you mention them.
On the one hand, "the man" says he wants his adult child to be more self-reliant and then, boom, simultaneously Daddy sends the adult child a paid for plane ticket for a trip with an excuse as to why this is necessary. That child only has a part-time job and a new car from daddy and then takes time from the part time job for the trip so it's more money from Daddy . . . and this is the cycle . . .
So I am conducting these experiments as you have suggested.
There's another part to this: The man is not aggressive, but he has explained he has in the past sided with his adult child against his partner (his last wife died) and that child has turned into a great manipulator. What adult would marry this adult child? the adult child has a pretty well habituated self-serving Daddy dance they both buy into . . . so it's a question of polite disengagement . .
What is the polite Emily Post polite verbiage to slow this down and move off expanding this . . . If I address these concerns directly, I'll get a big discussion that I ca see isn't going to work . . .
Thanks . ..
Okay, they are both a pain in the ass. Give them a miss, but let the man know in no uncertain terms that he is abusing women whenever he does this. It is not acceptable for him and his son to be running "a closed shop". When you run a closed shop, you don't have any customers. You have nothing to sell that is worth any woman's while to buy.
It sounds as though the "Dad" and son have had this type of relationshlip for quite a long time. YOU are not going to change them or the dynamics of their dysfunctional relationship. YOU are wasting your time. As hard as it might be, my suggestion would be to end this and move on, rather than spend your precious time trying to change someone who is NOT going to change. Wouldn't you rather be alone than to deal with this the rest of your life?
I am developing a short list of things to say that just focus on my goals and tasks in my life. If I go to the "mention the dysfunctional father/child dynamic", I lose. I win by focusing on other things that don't leap into that quagmire. Thank you for your help. I will keep on reading.
Why on God's green earth would she ever consider speaking with the waste product son? He knows exactly what is going on & will do whatever is necessary to continue it. To him, she is the enemy.
It sounds like this topic has been brought up between Andrea & her paramour. How many times does one have to address a problem? Does she want to live a life of negativity & nagging? Why do women put up with such cr@ppy treatment? Learn to love your own company & you'll not feel lonely.
Stop talking & get your feet moving, Andrea. Your "man" has issues which will keep him from ever giving you the respect you deserve. He knows it too! So if you keep taking scraps that's the best you could ever expect. You can't "fix" him or the situation. Plus, it's not your job. There are other men out there.