How do I deal with widower's adult children?
261 answers - active on Feb 18th 2022
Anyone have any advice for me on how to deal with my husbands adult children after the death of their mother?
Their mother dropped over dead, unexpectantly, in her early 50's.
I've tried to be supportive to them, respecting their loss, knowing that I will never take the place of their mother (nor would I want to) but I would like to be able to get to know them better and be their friend. Is this just impossible?
They are not mean to me in any way. I just feel like an outsider that will never be let in. After 3 yrs of being with their father I feel like a relationship with his kids is like beating my head against the wall!
The daughter, age 32, is always calling her father on his cell phone putting a guilt trip of some sort on him.
Every time I try to plan a "holiday" so that my husband can share it with his family it never works. I tried this last Christmas, worked for days in the kitchen, only for my husband to get a phone call one hour prior to dinner that his daughter was sick and couldn't make it...but her family was going to come.
We have tried to plan camping outings, some succesfull, but if I try to cook something to help out it is never eaten. The daughter has to cook. She has to be in control.
When the outings aren't sucessfull, meaning not everyone shows up or if we don't see them for awhile then she lays on a guilt trip to her father..stating we just don't get to see one another. We live only 1/2 hr away from the daughter, have always encouraged them to come our house. They have been here 2 times in over 3 yrs.
On our second wedding anniversary his son called (I'm sure he didn't realize it was our anniversary) and asked him to come over because my husband had been wanting him to do some maintance on his truck. They also invited us to go boating along with his daughter. Unfortunately I cannot boat anymore due to my injury. I told my husband to go ahead and go. He enjoys the boat. Well my husband went to his sons but felt he was letting me down so decided not to go boating. His daughter called the next day, whining to him, that he never spent any time with them anymore. (did I mention he works full time too?) But yet they don't darken our door.
Several times over these years I've experienced devastating things in my life with loved ones passing and with my health. Not once did they show up at the funeral home or share their condolences. Never do they ask how I am. It's like I just do not exist in their world! It's very hurtful to me.
Just to give some background....I told my husband when we married that we would have to live in my house (I already had it paid for) that I couldn't live in his house that he shared with his wife. When he moved out I was the one that suggested he take both of his adult children to his house (no one else aloowed! not even me) and they go through and decide who wants what. I never said I wanted anything out of that house. So it's not like I tried to take any of their mother's things away from them.
My husband did bring a piano (nobody wanted), a dresser, and a grandfather clock that his wife bought for him on their 25th wedding anniversary (because he wanted it) and an older TV. I've never treated these kids with malice or been unfair to them in any way...the only thing I did was marry their father after their mother's sudden death.
My husband son is quite different...he treats me much better we just live an hour away from them.
I've tried everything I know to get along...finally I've given up. This makes me feel really bad for my husband.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Or should I just continue to give up?
Prenup are you for real? It’s not about the women, its about the money. How do you sleep at night?
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I can assure you in my instance this man (and his daughter) have zero chance of using my assets and I don't feel this is their issue. . . the daughter has unlimited access to her dad and he to her . . . and their financial arrangements are (frankly) none of my affair . . . they just want to continue to do what they're doing . . . the father has some positive attributes and I enjoy my time with him a lot . . . whatever he does with his daughter, who cares? I realize he is isn't marriage material and I'm not changing my life for him . . . if I'm involved with him, I can't harp on who he is . . . because who he is involves the daughter . . . but if he's a "boy/toy", his daughter remains his problem . . . I won't take it personally because I'd be a fool.
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Just treat the both of them as "guests", are they staying with you at your home? if so, just let them get on with their own issues, yes, I would treat his daughter with respect, but nothing else, certainly not your assets.
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It’s YOUR life & you only get one. Take charge of it! Start having some fun & do things that interest you. Alone. Take care of yourself. Go get manicures and/ or pedicures, change your hair style and/ or color. Meet or have good times with girlfriends. Shake it up. You are not defined by a partner, your children, your family or your partners children. No need to inform any of them, it’s your gift to yourself. If asked, say “Oh I needed a change.” Start actively listening (a lot of women don’t do this. Not that ANY men do either!), you’ll start hearing what you should be. Read a book on Self Destructive Habits. Get a move on, girl. If the guy is worth it, he’ll step up to the plate. Give him 3 shots, if he doesn’t grab any, LEAVE.
The crucial concept/ word in your post is “marriage”. It would appear most of the women posting are looking for a permanent commitment. If one is looking for companionship, friendship (possibly with benefits) or just a date to events, sure, who would care about a partners’ immediate family situation. Just have a good time. However, if “marriage” is the “goal”, who, in their right mind, would want to accept a life of unnecessary misery?
I agree us ladies who meet widows have our own houses we don't choose who we fall in love with
We are a new chapter in our fellas life
We make them happy and smile again
Life is short my fella is a lovely man and his late wife's brothers and sisters have been lovely to me and we chat about his late wife but I think it's a daughter thing as his son is lovely
Princess and dads can be hard at anytime.
I am reading all this and getting very uncomfortable. Right now I am recuperating from tib-fib surgery (broken leg) at my widower-boyfriend's house. I'm here because, unlike my house, everything is on one level and the bathroom has lots of rails. I have spent the last couple of days here while he is at work. The house is pretty much a shrine to his late wife (whom he still refers to as "his wife") and his adult children (two sons, and a daughter, all in late 30's). He tells me he loves me and wants a future with me. His daughter live diagonally across the street and his son lives next door. His son has two babies, so he is a fairly new grandfather. His late wife died suddenly at age 55, six years ago. Of course, she was an angel - perfect in every way.
While his family is very nice, I am really not sure that this is the future I want for myself. He won't move, so I would have to sell my home and live with him. He doesn't see, or realize, that I am treated like an outsider. The kids and grand-kids have come over, but no one even says hello to me. It's like I'm not here. I guess they would rather I weren't, yet they swear they want to see their father happy. I find their behavior rude, but I am beginning to see that it's probably very common. Nothing against them, but I don't deserve to be treated this way.
It's not a money issue. I actually have more than him and he's already drawn up paperwork that protects his assets, from going to anyone other than the kids, in the event of his death. While we are very happy together, I can see that I will become increasingly unhappy in this situation. He doesn't want to change a thing and I can't live here as it is. I have asked him to put himself in my shoes. How would he feel if he had to live with pictures of my ex-husband everywhere. His answer - You wanted your marriage to end. I didn't.
He was in a relationship before me. They were engaged. It didn't work out. Family and friends have nothing good to say about her. They roll their eyes and talk about "the other one" like she was a real biatch. I'm wondering how much of that is true now. She might have just been reacting to being treated like a nonentity.
This is really sad. I just had a birthday and he wrote "To the most special woman in my life, I love you" etc. on Facebook. His daughter commented - "Sorry, but I am the most special woman in my father's life." I see the handwriting on the wall and it's just really upsetting because I'm in pretty deep right now. I don't know what to do.
I think you could just concentrate on your rehabilitation for the time being.
Since his wife has been gone for 6 years, he has had more than sufficient time to move on. The widower I have mentioned above got rid of most of his wife's clothes 2 months after she died. I have no idea what he has inside the house, but he told me he has kept some nice coats in case his 2 daughters want them.
The man became very friendly with me and then scared himself or something. Now I can barely get "hello" out of him. He is still committed to his departed wife and being heavily used by his youngest daughter. I'm sure other people have told him he is being played for a sucker. This man also has issues with low self-esteem as he grew up in the shadow of a very clever older brother. Maybe he is scared of intelligent women like me.
My big concern is that some people who are dying do an excellent job of making their spouse feel guilty if they should ever want to be in a relationship with someone else. It would be interesting to find out what transpired between your man and his departed wife. It is also not uncommon for a person to idealise (idolise) their deceased partner.
I am very concerned about your man's children living so close to you. If the man is unwilling to take into account your concerns and needs, you are probably best out of the situation. Maybe go into a "cooling off" period where you don't see him for a while. If he is still eager to see you, write him a letter outlining some terms and conditions. I would certainly want to move away from his marital home and live a little further from his children.
Another suggestion is that you draw up a chart which gives your relationship a Desktop Audit. Write all of the things you think are good about the man in one column, and all of the problems etc in the other. Unless the positives heavily outweigh the negatives, you might need to either quickly resolve the issues or get out.
You should be having half the say in future plans, along with half the say on outings. Maybe take out several pictures of your ex-husband and put them in your living area and bedroom. if you have any photographs of past boyfriends, put those out as well. Perhaps a little photographic competition will give him a wake up call.
Finally, you should be coming first in his life, not second, third or even last. If you are being put last, tell him to **** off and make sure he knows the reasons.
Thank you for your suggestions. I am mulling them over. You mentioned guilt. My feeling is that guilt plays a major role here - in all of our relationships with widowers. I have heard they run hot and cold, as yours did, and guilt is the motivating factor. In my experience his behavior is not consistent. It could be the hot and cold thing, or something more serious. I have even begun to wonder if it's early dementia, but I think guilt is the root cause.
You asked about his relationship with his late wife. They married much too young - 19 & 17 and had three children by the time they were 24 & 26. The years were hard. He said he made many mistakes. I think he feels responsible for her death and I think his daughter blames him too. That's a hefty load of guilt to carry. And here I thought I would deal with less baggage being with a widower rather than a divorced man - wrong!
Last night, when he came home, I kind of unloaded on him. I told him straight up how it is. I have lots of friends and a family that loves me. After reading how commonplace it is to have the children treat you terribly, I decided that would not be my future. So, the ball is in his court now. Either he mans-up and tells his children to knock it off or he loses me. I am prepared to walk, and his kids will have to live with what they have done to their father..
The talk was a real eye-opener for him. I even mentioned guilt. I said, "This is your guilt, not mine. You have to figure out what to do about it, but you and your family can't project it at me. I had nothing to do with it." So, he can live out his days berating himself in this shrine to the departed (he even has a shelf he calls "the dead shelf") or he can chose to move on and be happy. One thing I realize now is that I can't make that choice for him or influence him in any way. If I force his hand, I can see that I will set myself up for a life of misery. He has to chose freely.
That cooling off period you mentioned sounds like a good idea. If he wants a life with me badly enough, he'll make the necessary changes. Time will tell.
I'm so glad to hear that you have given him a "heads up" etc. It sounds as if he responds to manipulation, but I don't think he could be an entirely weak man.
I have not dated the widower I mentioned. I'm sure he is afraid of betraying a dead woman. I think perhaps he promised to remain loyal to his wife after her death, and maybe also promised to "look after" their youngest daughter and her children, as she is a sole parent. She is another one who lives close by, only a few streets away, who milks it for all it is worth. The 16 year old granddaughter even obliquely suggested that Granddad could not remove his wedding ring because of the need to look after her.
Sometimes I feel like pushing a large red button labelled "SPOILER ALERT!" on lots of people.
My ex-husband and I married very young and struggled with young children also. I do not believe this was a mistake at all, but things changed later. The widower and his wife were very young also. He is still wearing a wedding ring and has never suggested to anyone that he is looking for a new partner. They were married for over 40 years.
He knows I am clever and knowledgeable and have held down some good jobs. His wife only had a Year 7 education. He is also carrying baggage because he could not get a job past the age of 52, as older workers are largely unwanted.
I think it is hard to say who is the worst to deal with, widowers or divorcees, or the other women who become a problem. There always seems to be one or more control freaks demanding their pound of flesh, e.g. women who kicked them out and want access to 2 men (the new and the old), dance partners, club members, daughters can all be terrible. A woman will even offer her dance partner sex to get rid of you, even if she is not attracted to him. Elderly mothers can be afraid of losing their lawn mowing man. Maybe past girlfriends have been just as bad as those we are complaining about here.
8 years i still, deal with
his daughter treating me like shit.
i have only tried to ,be a friend ,and tried, for her to like my daughters, same age
she wants nothing to do ,with us , and a mean person
i'm so them with her, and i getting sick of him at this point, secret emails, texts
life has a be better than this....................
Kathy
I suggest you go onto the website of Abel Keogh and check out his suggestions. As a former widower, he encourages women to be proactive in expecting the man to fix problems, and to leave men who won't do anything behind them very quickly.
Thank you for this!
You're very welcome. The important thing is that fairness occurs on both sides.