How do I deal with widower's adult children?
261 answers - active on Feb 18th 2022
Anyone have any advice for me on how to deal with my husbands adult children after the death of their mother?
Their mother dropped over dead, unexpectantly, in her early 50's.
I've tried to be supportive to them, respecting their loss, knowing that I will never take the place of their mother (nor would I want to) but I would like to be able to get to know them better and be their friend. Is this just impossible?
They are not mean to me in any way. I just feel like an outsider that will never be let in. After 3 yrs of being with their father I feel like a relationship with his kids is like beating my head against the wall!
The daughter, age 32, is always calling her father on his cell phone putting a guilt trip of some sort on him.
Every time I try to plan a "holiday" so that my husband can share it with his family it never works. I tried this last Christmas, worked for days in the kitchen, only for my husband to get a phone call one hour prior to dinner that his daughter was sick and couldn't make it...but her family was going to come.
We have tried to plan camping outings, some succesfull, but if I try to cook something to help out it is never eaten. The daughter has to cook. She has to be in control.
When the outings aren't sucessfull, meaning not everyone shows up or if we don't see them for awhile then she lays on a guilt trip to her father..stating we just don't get to see one another. We live only 1/2 hr away from the daughter, have always encouraged them to come our house. They have been here 2 times in over 3 yrs.
On our second wedding anniversary his son called (I'm sure he didn't realize it was our anniversary) and asked him to come over because my husband had been wanting him to do some maintance on his truck. They also invited us to go boating along with his daughter. Unfortunately I cannot boat anymore due to my injury. I told my husband to go ahead and go. He enjoys the boat. Well my husband went to his sons but felt he was letting me down so decided not to go boating. His daughter called the next day, whining to him, that he never spent any time with them anymore. (did I mention he works full time too?) But yet they don't darken our door.
Several times over these years I've experienced devastating things in my life with loved ones passing and with my health. Not once did they show up at the funeral home or share their condolences. Never do they ask how I am. It's like I just do not exist in their world! It's very hurtful to me.
Just to give some background....I told my husband when we married that we would have to live in my house (I already had it paid for) that I couldn't live in his house that he shared with his wife. When he moved out I was the one that suggested he take both of his adult children to his house (no one else aloowed! not even me) and they go through and decide who wants what. I never said I wanted anything out of that house. So it's not like I tried to take any of their mother's things away from them.
My husband did bring a piano (nobody wanted), a dresser, and a grandfather clock that his wife bought for him on their 25th wedding anniversary (because he wanted it) and an older TV. I've never treated these kids with malice or been unfair to them in any way...the only thing I did was marry their father after their mother's sudden death.
My husband son is quite different...he treats me much better we just live an hour away from them.
I've tried everything I know to get along...finally I've given up. This makes me feel really bad for my husband.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Or should I just continue to give up?
Run. It will never change. Been there, done that.
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Thanks for this sharing and I feel the same way. I married a widower, with an only adult daughter,
married overseas. I feel the same way, like living with a husband who has a mistress. Even buying
a bed, he had to consult her and that took place before our wedding. There is no grand children yet and I think it may be the same situation like what you describe, if it does happen. I am comforted to know I am not along feeling this way. I feel great sharing my thoughts today.
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The fact that you told your husband "that I could never live in the house he had with his wife" is extremely hurtful to a child of his former wife (adult or not). This is a sign that you are jealous of his former wife and don't ya know that his children know this. You probably make him feel guilty that he still loves his deceased wife and his children see this. They will never trust you or anything you do because you have already proven to them by showing them that you want him separated from his past. Think about what you told him: "I can never live in your house you shared with your wife" How hurtful is that!!!!
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Sounds like you're a little selfish. They may not be ready. When did you start dating him, a month after his wife died. Stop your selfishness and realize that they may not be ready to deal with you. A year is not very long!!!
With a family business of 85 years and them working to retire for 40 years, yes, family legacy is important. That is a good idea, a prenump! I would rather him to never get married. If he does? Eh, we'll see how it goes. So far, any mentuon of his new girlfriend I get jealous and irritated. Sudden death of a 50 year marriage and a chance to get to know his adult kids again without my mom, all the hus attention is given to a new woman.
Good luck ladies. I'm giving myself a year after my mom's death to meet any new woman. He is an adult and so am I. Just because he is my Dad, we do not have that father/ young childhood relationship anymore. I find myself cry because of his lack of attention or curiosity to get to kniw me. You ladies are in a tough spot.
You're so quick to blame his adult children for your lack of boundaries. The women on this board are disgusting gold diggers - at your ages, you should be independent and have your own money (what was your plan for retirement, snag a widower and take his estate cuz it doesn't seem like any of you b****** have your own retirement funds set up), not showing up at the end of someone else's life, denigrating his children, and expecting to get everything he worked for for decades. F****** leeches. This is why we hate you, we have to protect our elderly fathers from you vultures.
The MOTHERS who CONTRIBUTED TO THESE ESTATES would absolutely not want to see them left entirely to the second wife/second wife's kids. I want to take care of my kids and give them everything I can and I would roll over in my grave to see my money and assets go to someone else's kids if mine were still alive.
You should be set up for retirement already or supporting yourself if you are in your 40s/50s/60s, not swooping in demanding the lion's share of estate accumulated with the help of the first spouse. Smh at these gold digging greedy opportunists. Shame on you for being such predators of grieving and vulnerable people. MOTHERS take care of THEIR OWN kids and grandkids FIRST. Fathers need to honor the wishes of mom.