Morning dawn. This Baclofen doesnt seem to be doing the job-I went to bed at 11pm. Lay there in a catatonic like state, got up at 1am-realisfelt physically relaxed. -but ed I was starving,(probably wasnt).I was like something posessed, You could not stop me eating. Went back to bed, and then got really relaxed-but worrying about things. Woke at 5am and been awake since. To tell you the truth Im more worried about not getting on that course than anything else, yet I know my application from was a complete rush job 8-|
Im also worried as our e mail and phone is down so even if anyone wants to get in touch, Im not accesible
Theres something else that I d really like to tak to you about-but cant as Im being watched.
Ill come back to you about that when the big computer is reconnected.
How did you get to be top 7 in the voters contest? how can I vote/ How are you feeling?
I better go. Speak soon ( hopefully) and take care,
Im also worried as our e mail and phone is down so even if anyone wants to get in touch, Im not accesible
Theres something else that I d really like to tak to you about-but cant as Im being watched.
Ill come back to you about that when the big computer is reconnected.
How did you get to be top 7 in the voters contest? how can I vote/ How are you feeling?
I better go. Speak soon ( hopefully) and take care,
Hi dawn! Im in a really bad tearful mood today! I started up this morning, by being really angry feeling the pressure of trying to make Becca a special day, but then angry as her room was a mess/ I did that "You have no respect thing" -maybe it would help if I had some self respect. Anyway, that man thing said something about me to them, about how I had all last night to tidy up after them so what was I complaining for, so i SNAPPED BACK AT HIM"some support you are"...he left and TOOK the kids to school . I just cried into my coffee, felt totally irratic. I mean I am getting really angry at the smallest of things.
Our phone and e-mail system are still barred, so Im going to try and email that tutor from here-even if it is bad news at least i will know, oh yeah, ND AFTER MY CRYING TANTRUMi WAS HEAD DOWN IN THE BOG. Got too work and other staff spoke to me in ways I didnt like and superiority -they have tons-I just want to , well todaybelch out"Dont talk to me like that!" I could never. Mostof me thinks I am just thinking like this because of ebverything else-it makes me feel really lonely, Ive got to admit , Im not convinced that that behaviour is my situation. ive done this everywhere, school, uni, work-you name it, I feel like this everywhere I turn. I guess thats why study etc means a lot to me, as i guess I want to prove to these people that I think are superior to me, that I am not the stupid dumb peroxide blonde people think I am. Then I think maybe people dont think this -its all in my head, then I get anxious about it all. so you can see why i am an easy target.
Anyway, i hope you are getting better. Ill try e mailing. me + scared!
Our phone and e-mail system are still barred, so Im going to try and email that tutor from here-even if it is bad news at least i will know, oh yeah, ND AFTER MY CRYING TANTRUMi WAS HEAD DOWN IN THE BOG. Got too work and other staff spoke to me in ways I didnt like and superiority -they have tons-I just want to , well todaybelch out"Dont talk to me like that!" I could never. Mostof me thinks I am just thinking like this because of ebverything else-it makes me feel really lonely, Ive got to admit , Im not convinced that that behaviour is my situation. ive done this everywhere, school, uni, work-you name it, I feel like this everywhere I turn. I guess thats why study etc means a lot to me, as i guess I want to prove to these people that I think are superior to me, that I am not the stupid dumb peroxide blonde people think I am. Then I think maybe people dont think this -its all in my head, then I get anxious about it all. so you can see why i am an easy target.
Anyway, i hope you are getting better. Ill try e mailing. me + scared!
Hi dawn. Im feeling really bad right now-I dont know why-perhaps its as I bought myself a something else from my shop. Not just that, I e so much to do for Beccas birthday- I feel like a c**p mum!
Hes working night shift, so think Ill cancel gps appointment-I feel like theres only so much anone can do to help.
its not that I am ungreatful or do not appreciate anyone elses help - its just , I cant do this! I cant do this anymore. I never ever thought ( and I know this sounds bad that Id be a forum basher writing about how bad I felt either. When I was well that concept was totally manic to me. its just been so long, and as Ive been foolish about getting the help right there and then -whats the point?
Im not so bad to do anything foolish-I just feel like a lazy c**p -good for nothing cow and id rather think that someone else could benfeit from seeking the help from others.
Its just been such a long time, and I am so strucken down now-that I see no point in continuing to battle through. it maybe someone at work spoke to me about it-they knew, and I never really have spoken to them about the other stuff,Theyve just seen so many bruises, but I think -nahe- you cant probve that- and please leave me alone. i dont know whats happennig. Ive been getting really odd nips in my head, and just crying all over the place. I just want to be able to be over it- I mean theres so much worse going on with other folks , i cant be anxed to even fight it anymore. i do not think i want to use my energy for this anymore.
This sounds really imature, but there is apart of me that blames my parents lack of communication for the things that happened to me. you know they passed the buck -and it did feel like no one cared. they knew fine well I was in strife-dad wouldnt even speak to me at the time, id beg him , and cry out for his help, hed had enough and it was like "your an adult now-sort it out". My mum would be too understanding, but distant. I love my mum to bits, but cant help but feel that she helped me to be this way. Shes lovely and Id be completely lost without her, and I do appreciate all her hard work-she was such a loving caring mum , at the same time as being harsh and making me do what I had to. But when something upset me, it was or seemed to me , to be less of an issue when I was upset-I dont know if thats true-its just the way I felt at the time. plus as shed just lost her dad to cancer, I couldnt bare worrying her more-she was already worried regardless.
I think I can muster through-I have ambiton so maybe I could use that despite how useless it may be at times. Im going to go now-I probably want be coming back until I have got through-Im just so tired, and I dont really know whats the best thing to do , to act in my childrens best interests, Im not important to me, they are all I have , I want them to feel secure special and loved. there not effected by any othis yeet, ( and hopefully never will have to know) Im hoping he will cahnge his ways, or that a bus might hit me and it wil just be over. That might happen anyway. it tends to be the way -does it not? get over one thing-and boom bang , your either nearly dead or you are, so whats the point, theres no point.
I never heard from the course coordinator and I am thinking no news is good news, so maybe she too thinks I am a needy hopeless wreck-I hope im wrong, but know Im right.
Sorry to share my doom-but i cant do this , not anymore, i cant talk , I cant tell people the full proof truth -for there is no point, absolutely no point, and its history now. its time to get over it.
Sorry, i just cant-perhaps im stronger than I think though, otherwise maybe I wouldnt be spewing it al out. i just dont know, I thought Id feel better, but the truth be known Id rather be a drunken skunk so I cannot feel . baclofen might help the muscles but it aint heloing my mind yet.
Sorry, i wish I could report a happier me. and i wish you the best recovery-you are a special person , worth your weight in gold, but dawmn < igive up . ic cant do it
Hes working night shift, so think Ill cancel gps appointment-I feel like theres only so much anone can do to help.
its not that I am ungreatful or do not appreciate anyone elses help - its just , I cant do this! I cant do this anymore. I never ever thought ( and I know this sounds bad that Id be a forum basher writing about how bad I felt either. When I was well that concept was totally manic to me. its just been so long, and as Ive been foolish about getting the help right there and then -whats the point?
Im not so bad to do anything foolish-I just feel like a lazy c**p -good for nothing cow and id rather think that someone else could benfeit from seeking the help from others.
Its just been such a long time, and I am so strucken down now-that I see no point in continuing to battle through. it maybe someone at work spoke to me about it-they knew, and I never really have spoken to them about the other stuff,Theyve just seen so many bruises, but I think -nahe- you cant probve that- and please leave me alone. i dont know whats happennig. Ive been getting really odd nips in my head, and just crying all over the place. I just want to be able to be over it- I mean theres so much worse going on with other folks , i cant be anxed to even fight it anymore. i do not think i want to use my energy for this anymore.
This sounds really imature, but there is apart of me that blames my parents lack of communication for the things that happened to me. you know they passed the buck -and it did feel like no one cared. they knew fine well I was in strife-dad wouldnt even speak to me at the time, id beg him , and cry out for his help, hed had enough and it was like "your an adult now-sort it out". My mum would be too understanding, but distant. I love my mum to bits, but cant help but feel that she helped me to be this way. Shes lovely and Id be completely lost without her, and I do appreciate all her hard work-she was such a loving caring mum , at the same time as being harsh and making me do what I had to. But when something upset me, it was or seemed to me , to be less of an issue when I was upset-I dont know if thats true-its just the way I felt at the time. plus as shed just lost her dad to cancer, I couldnt bare worrying her more-she was already worried regardless.
I think I can muster through-I have ambiton so maybe I could use that despite how useless it may be at times. Im going to go now-I probably want be coming back until I have got through-Im just so tired, and I dont really know whats the best thing to do , to act in my childrens best interests, Im not important to me, they are all I have , I want them to feel secure special and loved. there not effected by any othis yeet, ( and hopefully never will have to know) Im hoping he will cahnge his ways, or that a bus might hit me and it wil just be over. That might happen anyway. it tends to be the way -does it not? get over one thing-and boom bang , your either nearly dead or you are, so whats the point, theres no point.
I never heard from the course coordinator and I am thinking no news is good news, so maybe she too thinks I am a needy hopeless wreck-I hope im wrong, but know Im right.
Sorry to share my doom-but i cant do this , not anymore, i cant talk , I cant tell people the full proof truth -for there is no point, absolutely no point, and its history now. its time to get over it.
Sorry, i just cant-perhaps im stronger than I think though, otherwise maybe I wouldnt be spewing it al out. i just dont know, I thought Id feel better, but the truth be known Id rather be a drunken skunk so I cannot feel . baclofen might help the muscles but it aint heloing my mind yet.
Sorry, i wish I could report a happier me. and i wish you the best recovery-you are a special person , worth your weight in gold, but dawmn < igive up . ic cant do it
ok-maybe if I get up and do, Ill be better. beccas way too excited for me-but thats life and all part of the parcel. Im just having a bad week-id just ignore me right now! I forgot to take my pill for the last few days ( what a -) wht a complete tool!!! That explains all.Though cant believe I still need the stuff. Anyway, think im coming out of my space -planet Katy is going to do Becca a Hello Kitty themed party...Pin the tail on the cat etc...I forgot how much she liked that stuff and Im sure the pound shop will be able to help. Right, sory for my doom, i think I am a complete ...oh nevermind-but grrr! No wonder people get angry with me!
hey dawn. feeling a bit better. I got my timetable for my course-so thats perked me up a little-though cant attend tomorrow. It also has made me nervous and a little anxious, i guess thats normal. Ive had a rotten headache all day-i guess thatd be a bit like yourself. i hope your okoay-are you doing better?
I had this really interesting conversation with a girl at work today, who has had a similar experience with education, yet she was diagnosed late with dyslexia. Im sure I have it-I mean I still get my B's and d's mixed, but at least I am aware of it.
Becca is extremley excited. You forget how important a birthday is to a young person. Im feeling a bit better as i am a bit more organised. This morning was so not good though. I was so bad, like a psycho on wheels.
Anyway, ive got to go get birthday groceries in and then get baking-thats my night then, but we will have fun as its just me and the girls. Hope to speak soon, Katy
I had this really interesting conversation with a girl at work today, who has had a similar experience with education, yet she was diagnosed late with dyslexia. Im sure I have it-I mean I still get my B's and d's mixed, but at least I am aware of it.
Becca is extremley excited. You forget how important a birthday is to a young person. Im feeling a bit better as i am a bit more organised. This morning was so not good though. I was so bad, like a psycho on wheels.
Anyway, ive got to go get birthday groceries in and then get baking-thats my night then, but we will have fun as its just me and the girls. Hope to speak soon, Katy
Hi dawn- are you doing ok? ive not heard from you in a while-mind you, Im such a winge bag at the moment, I get surprised that people talk to me.
anyway, my head is banging still-go away headache.
I saw my gp-didnt tell him Id been sobbing every morning since partner has been trying to get closer. I couldnt-as i know I shouldnt be letting him near me. Im such a Gemini , in two minds about things ( for me) all the time).
Its funny -when I spoke to this girl at my work about academic problems etc- I was for the first time in my life shocked. She told me how things had effected her, and I was amazed at how rotten the education system can be. I know how bright she is, and she has the added bonus of being able to see properly ( something I dont, and is the reason why I have a musical ear -i think)
Oh yeah- I asked my doc about my toe etc, and low and behold , it looked much better than usual-maybe if hed caught me an hour later, limping looking for a store with my children , he would have seen a different foot.
I received an e- mai from the tutor, stating I should attend these clasesses, she sent me in a timetable for semester a, but Im not guaranteed a place yet-Im supposed to go tomorrow, but I cant. beccas birthday party, and work issues have to come first. ill try on Friday. as its a 6 hour day and perhaps a tutor could spear me a few notes-one good thing about whatever happens about that area-is I am keen, so Ill try my very best. Its keeping me going at the moment-even if I do not manage a career out of it, its just something else, to add on and for me to actually ENJOY!
Well, tonight was fun-apart from waiting for buses and getting lost. i got lost around a new built up area, everything looked the same, and the kids well they were laughing at me, as I kept saying"weve been here allready". Anyway, got to the shop eventually- i got pretty much most the essentials( well so I thought) till I came home and found no celotape!! You would have had a right good laugh at me, I used his masking tape and coloured it in to coordinae with the birthday parcels.
Ive just got this space in my stomach thats eating me-as though someones died. im lost- alittle, but in another way, I know what Ive got to do. I know Ive got to move out etc. and I am starting to accept that that is the transition I need to make.
When I get close to him , In anyway, it always feels as though its turned on me. Its like a tool for him to take advantage-then I get all confused, is that just a tired man thing- or is he taking advantage, or is it because I get so frustrated with me?Whatever the reality of it all-hes never exactly gone out of his way to make me feel specia, or appreciated. Not that that is what I want, i just dont know what it is i should be loookinf for anymore. Not that I am . anyway, Im shattered. so going to bed. hope youre ok-I worry when you dont respond-but Im hoping your just busy, and I dont want you to think im clinging on to you either, I just really appreciate your thoughts on my situation even if they are hard ( or seem that way) Ive got to go, take care of you, Katy
anyway, my head is banging still-go away headache.
I saw my gp-didnt tell him Id been sobbing every morning since partner has been trying to get closer. I couldnt-as i know I shouldnt be letting him near me. Im such a Gemini , in two minds about things ( for me) all the time).
Its funny -when I spoke to this girl at my work about academic problems etc- I was for the first time in my life shocked. She told me how things had effected her, and I was amazed at how rotten the education system can be. I know how bright she is, and she has the added bonus of being able to see properly ( something I dont, and is the reason why I have a musical ear -i think)
Oh yeah- I asked my doc about my toe etc, and low and behold , it looked much better than usual-maybe if hed caught me an hour later, limping looking for a store with my children , he would have seen a different foot.
I received an e- mai from the tutor, stating I should attend these clasesses, she sent me in a timetable for semester a, but Im not guaranteed a place yet-Im supposed to go tomorrow, but I cant. beccas birthday party, and work issues have to come first. ill try on Friday. as its a 6 hour day and perhaps a tutor could spear me a few notes-one good thing about whatever happens about that area-is I am keen, so Ill try my very best. Its keeping me going at the moment-even if I do not manage a career out of it, its just something else, to add on and for me to actually ENJOY!
Well, tonight was fun-apart from waiting for buses and getting lost. i got lost around a new built up area, everything looked the same, and the kids well they were laughing at me, as I kept saying"weve been here allready". Anyway, got to the shop eventually- i got pretty much most the essentials( well so I thought) till I came home and found no celotape!! You would have had a right good laugh at me, I used his masking tape and coloured it in to coordinae with the birthday parcels.
Ive just got this space in my stomach thats eating me-as though someones died. im lost- alittle, but in another way, I know what Ive got to do. I know Ive got to move out etc. and I am starting to accept that that is the transition I need to make.
When I get close to him , In anyway, it always feels as though its turned on me. Its like a tool for him to take advantage-then I get all confused, is that just a tired man thing- or is he taking advantage, or is it because I get so frustrated with me?Whatever the reality of it all-hes never exactly gone out of his way to make me feel specia, or appreciated. Not that that is what I want, i just dont know what it is i should be loookinf for anymore. Not that I am . anyway, Im shattered. so going to bed. hope youre ok-I worry when you dont respond-but Im hoping your just busy, and I dont want you to think im clinging on to you either, I just really appreciate your thoughts on my situation even if they are hard ( or seem that way) Ive got to go, take care of you, Katy
Hi Katy! Did the doctor check you out? Did you tell him about your nose and ears etc? I think you have to write things down and prioritize and start by writing down what's really important! I know you are REALLY nervous about the course! BUT this is FANTASTIC for you!! I hope you take advantage of this and believe in yourself! Does he know about you taking this course? If so it is probably this that is making him try and be closer to you, as it is another transformation regarding you getting stronger! Anyway hon, hang in there, I have one hell of a headache - had my stitches out yesterday! And it's inflammed! So having a rough day!
Why is it all the nicest people get sick????? Anyway, I hope you get better soon. Im feeling c**p today-went back to bed and howled this morning for no good reason-went to work with pasty face, awollen eyes and felt like I was going to chuck up.
Becca loved her pressies and is managing to be brilliant
Got home, Good news- If I get my referees together, I get on the Psychology and Mental Health course, with an unconditional offer-which follows on to forensics. I was so happy with that decision, I need to do this to get BPS recognition.
Then phone rings and a woman that helped me is ill- I couldnt stop crying.
Kids are on their way home-so its party time, and I feel like chucking my oload-maybe its all the sweets.
I was in a bit of a bad way yesterday when seeing the doc-and didnt want to talk......Anyway, I hope you get well soon, take care, Katy
Becca loved her pressies and is managing to be brilliant
Got home, Good news- If I get my referees together, I get on the Psychology and Mental Health course, with an unconditional offer-which follows on to forensics. I was so happy with that decision, I need to do this to get BPS recognition.
Then phone rings and a woman that helped me is ill- I couldnt stop crying.
Kids are on their way home-so its party time, and I feel like chucking my oload-maybe its all the sweets.
I was in a bit of a bad way yesterday when seeing the doc-and didnt want to talk......Anyway, I hope you get well soon, take care, Katy
Hey Dawn-hope yor mending well-are you?
Do you know what really eats me? I get peeved of with me. My grandad died of stomach and bowel cancer-and here am I feeling sorry for myself24/7.It really eats me!
Being depressed annoys me, and that makes me more flipping depressed!
Anyway, Becca is ill_ i really want to take a day off and moddie coddle her, but tomorrrow is a big day for me!
I was hoping Id be considered straight away for the forensoc course, but I was biting at the bit. Im just happy I ve been accepted to do a pgd, regardless of anything else. Scared though!
I was gutted today - i dont even know whats wrong, but I am upset and crying all the time. Only little things set me off! I want to BE happy me gain-its not even about confidence anymore, im not sure self esteem is there-Ive never had that. Having said that, and even though I thin k I am a c**p mum, its really worth it, when your child just turns around hugs and kisses you and says"Ilove you"..It makes me melt, its better than any diazepam, or baclofen pill.its the best. But I scare I dissapoint them or ask tooo much from them. I want them to be.
Anyway-Ill give you piece-pls I hope tomorrow is a better day for you and pls fprgive me for my winging, most of all chin up an dtake care-remeber the jug is half full:not half empty, all my love , katy
Do you know what really eats me? I get peeved of with me. My grandad died of stomach and bowel cancer-and here am I feeling sorry for myself24/7.It really eats me!
Being depressed annoys me, and that makes me more flipping depressed!
Anyway, Becca is ill_ i really want to take a day off and moddie coddle her, but tomorrrow is a big day for me!
I was hoping Id be considered straight away for the forensoc course, but I was biting at the bit. Im just happy I ve been accepted to do a pgd, regardless of anything else. Scared though!
I was gutted today - i dont even know whats wrong, but I am upset and crying all the time. Only little things set me off! I want to BE happy me gain-its not even about confidence anymore, im not sure self esteem is there-Ive never had that. Having said that, and even though I thin k I am a c**p mum, its really worth it, when your child just turns around hugs and kisses you and says"Ilove you"..It makes me melt, its better than any diazepam, or baclofen pill.its the best. But I scare I dissapoint them or ask tooo much from them. I want them to be.
Anyway-Ill give you piece-pls I hope tomorrow is a better day for you and pls fprgive me for my winging, most of all chin up an dtake care-remeber the jug is half full:not half empty, all my love , katy
Hey Dawn-how are you feeling?
I had a fabulous day today!
I got to Glasgow, turned up to class ...then went to see old tutor-felt a bit lost and had no one to talk to. Then thought stuff these feelings. went shopping, bought two books, then went to another class, It was pure dead brilliant. i cant decide what topics to do and I cant decide if I want to go full time or part time. As its late and this is day 1, and I think it might get intense, I am reserved about ryushing it.
Ive to cme up with a dissertaion proposal by the 18th of december. Thinking, hmmm, I might do something about the effects on premature babies with mothers with pnd the consequences..something like that...I need to think about it...Projects are for the NHS so if you have any ideas or could help me out, Id be happy!
Nose is really hurting today, and I lookk really old and sick-oh and had a wobbily attack in the afternoon-but its cool, Glasgows a fun [place to be, more people colapse there than anywhere else I know,...In fact, one guy feel down right before me on Saciehall St....I was like o.O. I also spent money on a book, honestly it was like reading my own story, the only difference is she went to the police-well actually a pal of hers took it to the police.
Anyway, I hope your head is calming down , Take care, Katy
I had a fabulous day today!
I got to Glasgow, turned up to class ...then went to see old tutor-felt a bit lost and had no one to talk to. Then thought stuff these feelings. went shopping, bought two books, then went to another class, It was pure dead brilliant. i cant decide what topics to do and I cant decide if I want to go full time or part time. As its late and this is day 1, and I think it might get intense, I am reserved about ryushing it.
Ive to cme up with a dissertaion proposal by the 18th of december. Thinking, hmmm, I might do something about the effects on premature babies with mothers with pnd the consequences..something like that...I need to think about it...Projects are for the NHS so if you have any ideas or could help me out, Id be happy!
Nose is really hurting today, and I lookk really old and sick-oh and had a wobbily attack in the afternoon-but its cool, Glasgows a fun [place to be, more people colapse there than anywhere else I know,...In fact, one guy feel down right before me on Saciehall St....I was like o.O. I also spent money on a book, honestly it was like reading my own story, the only difference is she went to the police-well actually a pal of hers took it to the police.
Anyway, I hope your head is calming down , Take care, Katy
aaaaaaaaaaaaawee dddddddddddddddeeeeeeeer!!!Dawn- , hi. My house is a mess! Im sweating like a pig and wondering if its all too much!!! Its funny going back-nothing really had changed-of course, theres a few tutors gone, and so on , but when the first seminar got started a felt a sense of relief( these people think like me!) and most seemed nice. ( I think) Though I did that thing of -no one wants me in their group , they all think Im weird, maybe due to how I introdueced myself ( whoops-talk about too much info) Its almost like a reasuring warmth though. really friendly , but sensitive clever characters-that you can too laugh with. But now I am thinking -no one know-and oh dawn , I cant stop thinking about what I said ( yes me, interupted tutor -whops and bellowed out :"...but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors"...there was this big pause, and I felt the ultimate ...sh*t Ive really done it now, why dont you just tell them all....I felt eveyone learing there heads in on me, and my face getting redder and redder. The point had allready been made, and I felt like eating my foot, but for me it was the main point of the entire thing and I wanted it reinforced(whoopssseeee!, Im so embarassed :$ and I keep thinking about it).
Alex has the orthodontist tomorrow at 830am-it ell you, theres no rest to be had. I stink with sweat.. I was so surprised to look for familar faces, and kept having to tell myself (look that was over 10 rs ago). I feel the same, ut look like a mature student..wah!!!
Alex has the orthodontist tomorrow at 830am-it ell you, theres no rest to be had. I stink with sweat.. I was so surprised to look for familar faces, and kept having to tell myself (look that was over 10 rs ago). I feel the same, ut look like a mature student..wah!!!
ok!dawn- i hope you are of an understanding mind! I want to write this as ( I think words do help!)
Its really strange going back the way-seeing the carpet tiles on the narrow corridors, and even remebering everything that happened-throughout my course. Everything! ( it is alittle differnet now-but they could hav eput a WARNING sign on the bridge between building"if you are scared of heights, do it the old fashioned way" just as i had a massive panic attic in a new corrdor-no one knows me-and i feel a bit isolatd and dim.
Im thinking ( I can, i can do this-i can, im not stupid-I know I look it-but big promise to myself Im not). i held onto the bannister-im searching fro people that were there what 10 11 yrs ago. Even a frinedly face would be nice!( Yes, well compared to this place , i met many a friendly face) i even felt like people could read me. I get to the toilet , my stomach tightens with cramp-I want to cry , but silently so know one knows, i wamt to howl, im incapable!!! i see a really pretty girl wash her face-i wish i was her-young pretty and everything going for her. i think( katy for god sake-yes, your ntopretty , your not anything, but youve got this far, so I cant be that bad). I check to see no ne is watching, I make sure the guy that kept winking at me at the coffee place is no where to be seen. I struggle. i want my best friend at my side-its familiar but unfamilar. i had 2 hours to kill and even thought about walking up Queen Margaret drive just to look at my bed sit and know it was real-im not mad! i walked half way down sauchiehall street and as its a little different and there are lots of really young fol, i give my mission a miss. Sweat ppours of me. i think Imh ungry, then see M and s and roslynd face strikes me one- wher is she? Every sandwhich has somekind of buttery fat, or mayonaise in it-i think no - just eat...Still I have 2 hours to kil- I walk to waterstones , thinking maybe I could buy a book for this course.I get distracted. thers so many books - i dont know what to chose, so I pick one. then two then three, all stories.
Im in a panic, wishing the rain would stop and wanting to hlfd my girll , who I know is at home sick. I feel guilty for not being there for her, I lock myself in a toilet and than cry some. i then wash myself in cold water-looking old, adn then think and have this drive to just give up , go home. I dont want to Id spent money and time and organising things to get ther, so I stay.
I sit in the old reception room-thinking that empty space used to be a book shop-im sure I watched my favourite tutor walk by, im sure of it..I wanted to run to her and hug her, but got too scared, so stuck my head in my book.
The womans been raped!!! Worse still she tried to fight him off her body! ( Which is an advantage i had , I knew to much about thrills and how they tick, I had the advantage of feel nothing...let him do policy , but he got angrier by my reaction and the tightness around my neck-illnever forget. I even tried the sympathy switch-it dint work-but pleased whn ehe left my rrom, but words couldnt desribe how i felt-empty-cold-did that really happen to me? Nahe-I wa imaging it all- I interpreted it all wrong. Plus I haad the added conviction of bein gin a bedsit alone-DRUNK! Sod that-morning faily planning clinc will sort that one out-my friend chummed me-and if you do know what chummed means-escorted me- she knew I was shaken , ansd she knew why-but she idnt speak to me ever about it, she got extremly drunk on vodka. i looked after her children and she got cliniaclly ill, I dont think Im te cause-but i think it touched a note with her. I miss her. anayway, I just wanted to put it in words for me ! Not for anyone else, no conviction can be made- no mone can find this person-Im to blind to idetify anyway-on the same not a paedophile cscramping round Glasgow Botanics was arrested weeks afte- I just hope that was him id hate to think id let him carry on and treat another person the same way. anyway, enough-I just wanted to write about it -tell yself I am not mental-I am strong! If ic an get thorugh that, ican move on. I can!
Its really strange going back the way-seeing the carpet tiles on the narrow corridors, and even remebering everything that happened-throughout my course. Everything! ( it is alittle differnet now-but they could hav eput a WARNING sign on the bridge between building"if you are scared of heights, do it the old fashioned way" just as i had a massive panic attic in a new corrdor-no one knows me-and i feel a bit isolatd and dim.
Im thinking ( I can, i can do this-i can, im not stupid-I know I look it-but big promise to myself Im not). i held onto the bannister-im searching fro people that were there what 10 11 yrs ago. Even a frinedly face would be nice!( Yes, well compared to this place , i met many a friendly face) i even felt like people could read me. I get to the toilet , my stomach tightens with cramp-I want to cry , but silently so know one knows, i wamt to howl, im incapable!!! i see a really pretty girl wash her face-i wish i was her-young pretty and everything going for her. i think( katy for god sake-yes, your ntopretty , your not anything, but youve got this far, so I cant be that bad). I check to see no ne is watching, I make sure the guy that kept winking at me at the coffee place is no where to be seen. I struggle. i want my best friend at my side-its familiar but unfamilar. i had 2 hours to kill and even thought about walking up Queen Margaret drive just to look at my bed sit and know it was real-im not mad! i walked half way down sauchiehall street and as its a little different and there are lots of really young fol, i give my mission a miss. Sweat ppours of me. i think Imh ungry, then see M and s and roslynd face strikes me one- wher is she? Every sandwhich has somekind of buttery fat, or mayonaise in it-i think no - just eat...Still I have 2 hours to kil- I walk to waterstones , thinking maybe I could buy a book for this course.I get distracted. thers so many books - i dont know what to chose, so I pick one. then two then three, all stories.
Im in a panic, wishing the rain would stop and wanting to hlfd my girll , who I know is at home sick. I feel guilty for not being there for her, I lock myself in a toilet and than cry some. i then wash myself in cold water-looking old, adn then think and have this drive to just give up , go home. I dont want to Id spent money and time and organising things to get ther, so I stay.
I sit in the old reception room-thinking that empty space used to be a book shop-im sure I watched my favourite tutor walk by, im sure of it..I wanted to run to her and hug her, but got too scared, so stuck my head in my book.
The womans been raped!!! Worse still she tried to fight him off her body! ( Which is an advantage i had , I knew to much about thrills and how they tick, I had the advantage of feel nothing...let him do policy , but he got angrier by my reaction and the tightness around my neck-illnever forget. I even tried the sympathy switch-it dint work-but pleased whn ehe left my rrom, but words couldnt desribe how i felt-empty-cold-did that really happen to me? Nahe-I wa imaging it all- I interpreted it all wrong. Plus I haad the added conviction of bein gin a bedsit alone-DRUNK! Sod that-morning faily planning clinc will sort that one out-my friend chummed me-and if you do know what chummed means-escorted me- she knew I was shaken , ansd she knew why-but she idnt speak to me ever about it, she got extremly drunk on vodka. i looked after her children and she got cliniaclly ill, I dont think Im te cause-but i think it touched a note with her. I miss her. anayway, I just wanted to put it in words for me ! Not for anyone else, no conviction can be made- no mone can find this person-Im to blind to idetify anyway-on the same not a paedophile cscramping round Glasgow Botanics was arrested weeks afte- I just hope that was him id hate to think id let him carry on and treat another person the same way. anyway, enough-I just wanted to write about it -tell yself I am not mental-I am strong! If ic an get thorugh that, ican move on. I can!
You CAN honey You ARE! You WILL and all the terrible things that have happened to you, will be a distant memory and enable you to show others that what they can learn isn't ALL from a book! You are a living and breathing Psyche study!!! ;-) XD And why shouldn't you put your own experiences into any lesson - granted not when the teacher is talking!! ;-) But you WILL learn to teach others about what humans endure and have to overcome to continue!
Its bizarre! Ok! I felt stressed last night and ( gulp!) I dont knkow why I tell you -maybe its guilt!!!! The reason I drank though was A) this place lloks as if weve been robbed 10xs over, Im mad that he wa off and didnt do anything-though didnt expect it any other way-just wanted it to be different.
Right, the workloa-thats not it for me. the busiier , the better..If Im busy and focused on something else- I dont have the time to think Omg-what a pig!!!! So its not the pressure, though I do find it scary. Money is a bit of an issue, but Ill manage somehow. The biggest thing for me is the guilt of not being right by my childrens side, aboud how many hours its all going to take, about patience and time, and keeping a lid on things without things crashing down and suffocating me. That makes me panic and worry, but this is the other thing. Yesterdays things was all about the care assessment programme( oh dear!) yeah ....do i say yeah , im on one,,( NO :$ o.O XD ) or just pretend thats invisible. anyway, it was so funny-but because you see all angles, I regret havien had a drink etc and feel guilty too, but Im not hungover or anything, I havent been taking my meds as I was scared id be too jaded and look like a junkie-mind you I look like that anyway, . Right, Id better go-just wanted to share a few pointers with you
How is you rhead and what is happening with you?
Right, the workloa-thats not it for me. the busiier , the better..If Im busy and focused on something else- I dont have the time to think Omg-what a pig!!!! So its not the pressure, though I do find it scary. Money is a bit of an issue, but Ill manage somehow. The biggest thing for me is the guilt of not being right by my childrens side, aboud how many hours its all going to take, about patience and time, and keeping a lid on things without things crashing down and suffocating me. That makes me panic and worry, but this is the other thing. Yesterdays things was all about the care assessment programme( oh dear!) yeah ....do i say yeah , im on one,,( NO :$ o.O XD ) or just pretend thats invisible. anyway, it was so funny-but because you see all angles, I regret havien had a drink etc and feel guilty too, but Im not hungover or anything, I havent been taking my meds as I was scared id be too jaded and look like a junkie-mind you I look like that anyway, . Right, Id better go-just wanted to share a few pointers with you
How is you rhead and what is happening with you?
Its funny what affectes you! I am still looking gfor me! But nothimg happens. Ive analysed what they stated in class and nowr eally embarassed about having oprnred my big fat ggob/
Big sis says extend the loan and get a something that sounds like a grnat
Ok, Im akonoe, off toobed, sad and very scared.
Big sis says extend the loan and get a something that sounds like a grnat
Ok, Im akonoe, off toobed, sad and very scared.