How do I deal with widower's adult children?

All I can say is he is lying to you. He is telling you that (he) himself did not mourn his deceased wife and he told you he addressed the children each time which obviously he did not. If he had he would have been O.K. with you calling them and talking to them directly. You said yourself you also wrote them a letter for him to send to them which he did not by your own admissions. This man is clearly a LIAR (he needs to sacrifice his happiness for his kids) and using and blaming his adult children for the lack of HIS actions. Please wake up he is telling you what he thinks you need to hear not the truth. Your partner broke up your relationship not his children. Adults do not need permission from their children to marry someone else.

I do agree with some of the comments above that you have made but in my case my step father was an entitled person only out for himself (real life man-child) and his needs and wants always came first even with his first wife and over and above her biological children. He constantly financially abused my mother and us as children as discussions went on in the family of origin he always promised my mother that after she passed he would leave half the remaining estate to her children as without her there would have been no assets whatsoever. During their relationship the adult children held an intervention with him regarding his gambling problems and all he could say to them was that he didn't have one so they even took their mother to a divorce lawyer with copies of that intervention. The divorce lawyer immediately told my mother to divorce him as he was an abuser. Unfortunately that didn't happen as she had been abused by him for over 30 years and was too physically sick at the time to leave the only thing she had known. I left home in my teenage years as the dysfunction was just too much to handle. I did go back and help with looking after my mother in their marital home during her sickness and right up until she died. During the time of my mothers final sickness time my step-father began releasing all of his locked-in pensions under the excuse that he was having trouble making the mortgage payments and since he never claimed receiving those funds at tax time I can only assume that he was filtering them to another account without my mothers knowledge. I myself even had to make a mortgage payment out of my own money so that she could die in peace in her own home as she requested. In my case I have my receipt for that deposit and guess what I still do not have payment back from him for that money that I myself put out of my own pocket. Why, because he has no intention of paying me back. In my case my step-father invited his new girlfriend to my mothers funeral along with all of his new found friends he even went to dinner with her the same day and took all of the food from the funeral to share with his friends the next day at a place they socialize in all the time never telling us he was with someone romantically. ( I only found out later as she was not introduced to me at the funeral) Imagine my surprise when only five months after my mothers funeral he introduced his new girlfriend to me and exactly nine months after the funeral she spent her money to paint and re-decorate my mothers home and then promptly moved right in. My dearest daddy actually called me ten days after his wedding anniversary to my mother to announce his new engagement to his new wife and promptly proceeded to tell me that he will be leaving the marital home to her because she will be his new wife and actually I feel sorry for this new woman as he is lying to her about us his so-called children I honestly don't think he even told her that we are in fact not his biological children and she is the one now living his charade. At that time I immediately cut contact from him and her equally I do not want to be invited and nor do I choose to be apart of their new found family. Unfortunately, we will be out financially but it actually burns me that the new so called new found step-parents are not adult enough to call me themselves directly to find out what happened instead of listening to their new husbands version of what took place. Oh, and by the way the new step-mother in my case most likely has heard of shared assets in my view she is sharing our assets as she moved right in to our mothers home and as we were told by our parents (step or not) they would be ours. Just for the record I would not have a problem with it if we were initially consulted and only left the half that we were initially promised after her living out the remainder of her life and passing but the truth is we were never asked how we feel and now because of us cutting contact we will be left nothing. Just my $.02 on this subject and in closing a pre-nuptial would not be a bad idea. What if the marriage fails?

Your situation is/was truly a horrible one. However, dont you think there’s a bit of a difference between your situation & that of others? From what you have written, your step father was a real monster but like others have written here it was your Mother’s responsibility to protect herself & you children. She didn’t do it. The same theme runs through most of these posts; Parents not being responsible & behaving as a parent. Hopefully, you are able to find peace in life.

Sister, You are spot on. Thank you. I couldn’t have said it better myself!

What a shame. You are exactly the type of person who worships money over their own father. I purchased a house with a windower, I pay all the bills, he is retired, but not broke by any means. It’s extremely embarrassing that he is snconsumed with money, tightwad doesn’t even begin to describe his attitude toward money. I was once told that a user will use you until you stop letting them use you. What would you say to a woman that really loved the widower, but realized that he and his daughter we quite proud of not having to pay any bills, manipulating a good and sincere person for money? I’m sorry, but a prenup doesn’t change a mooch, widower or not.

I don't think any of these women understand the pain the kids are going through, my father started dating 8 months ago not even 3 years after my mother past and it has been the most stressful and anxious part of the past 3 years for me and my sisters. Losing you mother is a constant and never ending pain, seeing a new women in your dads life is like a second death to your already not normal new normal. I feel that I have lost the father I knew when he was with my mother and my mother all in the course of 3 years. I am polite to her but there are just certain things I am not comfortable talking about in her presence and because she is always around I don't end up talking to my Dad. The children have feelings too, we all do, show some respect and compasion for their lose and they prolly won't hate you all so much

My father started dating 6 months after my mother died. And yes, it was strange seeing a new women in the house, and a bit uncomfortable for me. But....we all grieve differently, and my father was ready to move on. I was happy for my father....it was great to see him smile again. Life brings change, whether you like it or not, whether you are ready or not. If you are still grieving, then go to counseling.....let your father live his life and do what makes him happy. I will never get over the loss of my mother, I miss her terribly.....but to expect my father not to move on with his life would be completely selfish on my part....I want him to be happy. Life goes on........

Money is the root of your evil mind. Believe it or not, someone could actually love your dad for himself. What a shame you have nothing going for you but meddling in your dads life .. it’s all about you and the misery you have...grow up! Look in the mirror and you will find your own problem.

Bravo to you !! Bless you for truly loving your father and understanding that life without mother must go on.. and for not punishing him for wanting to feel some degree of life after losing the love of his life.

As I read through these posts today I felt the stomach churning, stress, heaviness I have been through for 5 years until almost a year ago. The feelings of sadness, frustration, grief, depression...have been through much in my 55 years but nothing so horrible as a relationship and marriage to a widow with two adult sons an adult mini-wife boss of all daughter who has her own family. The sons have treated me well outside of the daughters presence. When she was around there was a choking heaviness in the room caused by her own misery. I spent years trying to keep the peace, trying to be understanding, patient, not taking it personal...that sh** can only go so far! When the latest tirade occurred complete with "I'm going to do such and such to blow up your marriage" was my end of the road limit. You either stop and get a handle on this or I am GONE. The absolute bottom line at the end of every day of it is the father...the adult daughter will only do as her daddy permits her to. My husband is a good, kind, loving man...as I am woman but the interfering and making others feel unwanted, like outsiders is BS from a grown adult woman. Of course the greedy, nut job has not spoken to her father since he addressed it, or allowed interaction with the grandchildren. I will say, the holidays were the best we have all had since I have known him...everyone was relaxed, enjoyed themselves. Toxic poison these adult daughters are permitted to inject until the time daddy says ENOUGH! We can talk all day about it, but until dear ol' dad puts his foot down and says enough...it will continue and continue until you don't even recognize yourself. Man up boys and take ownership of your own life!

I must say I was entirely wrong in thinking the man's enjoyment would overcome the daughter and cell phone bonds. He started the day texting her in the morning in bed, and talked and texted her and one other person throughout the day. He knew when she was menstruating, leaving home, arriving back, every move. . . . How old do you think this "child" was? He thought he was behaving "normally" . . .

which also extended to a state of sloppy "undress" throughout the day and evening . . . while at home. In other words, "this is who I am and that's it" behavior governed our lives. I couldn't predict this until I was "inside" the man's home that this would be the standard operating behavior, and by then, feelings were involved and it became painful either way . . .

This sounds like emotional incest!!!!

to him, I am sure, he felt criticized day and night, so he stopped trying. For me, I became disgusted with the phone, the daughter, the clothes, this "odd" behavior I had never seen in all my life, that went on every day, morning, noon and night. To cook, he didn't want to use his oven, only a small toaster oven on the counter. If he was angry with me, he swore at drivers and ran up the street so I walked alone . . . He said he knew was sorry he didn't respond to me sooner, and that his bottom line was that I was very critical of him, his way of being, his lack of good manners, the phone, etc. It is hard to give up the parts I enjoyed, but I began to feel the house closing in around me . . . I am sorry and not sorry . .. Sorry this went so far when it was not going to be an interesting life style, and not sorry that enough research went into it to understand what was not going to work . . .

What are you 10? 3years? How long is your father supposed to wait for you & your sisters to come to terms with your mothers death? My mother wasn’t even buried yet when women came out of the woodwork. Although Dad wasn’t interested in those early days, it forced me to think about him meeting someone. I realized, I would be happy for him to find someone to share the rest of his life with. When he did, I WAS happy for him. You people giving (mostly) women a hard time for having a relationship with your fathers are selfish at best. Grow up! Karma is waiting at your doorstep.