How do I deal with widower's adult children?

I have a similar problem that has resulted in me and my girlfreind being seperated (we live in the same complex) and she has not spoken to me for a couple weeks since her almost middle aged daughter and boyfreind just moved in and they control her, its been a very frustrating time for me

I have been dating a widower of three years and he is the problem.  Each year on the anniversary of his wife's death he and his daughters (they initiate  it) have a  grand celebration at his home and their church to commemorate their mother's death.  They invite these elderly lady friends of hers who would probably rather rely on their memories of her than be reminded of their own mortality by sipping champagne in her memory.  i asked him why,and he said they do it to "honor her.'  The house looks like a mausoleum because nothing has been changed since she died.  in the year run up to her death she wanted to repeat her wedding vows in the Bahamas and fifty family members came (she knew she was terminal), she wanted to go to Venice, italy, have a huge party for their closest 100 friends, name a scholarship for her at her church, name a room in her honor at a place she volunteered, had the daughters and grandkids accompany them to Mexico for a week so she could re-bond with her girls (the father disowned their adopted son because he didn't live up to his lawerly expectations).  I guess you have the picture.  I really don't know if the forty year old daughters are the problem or if it's him.  He said he didn't cry when she died but he boo hooed when his mama died two years later.  He said his girls and his sister told him he should buy himself a new car and when I made the comment that I had told him the same thing many times but he wouldn't listen to me but did so when they told him to do it.  He screamed, "I don't answer to you."  I have begun to disengage from him because I think there is something pathological about his relationship with his daughters.  He doesn't have the proper boundaries and what ordinary people would consider simply making an observation or a comment about his daughters in a totally non-critical manner he goes ballistics.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN?

I'm no psychiatrist so I can't tell you what's wrong with him, but I think you have the right idea. If you ever want to be happy, run! Find someone else.

Why are you referring to women as STEP WOMEN?? WE ARE WOMEN PERIOD. I have been with a man for six years , have cared for him, been faithful to him, the first year , second year and third year I respected his families grief, after that I felt it was just plain, pure manipulation. Sorry sweetie, with all due respect I was interested in him. Period. I am no ones STEP anything. Would you truly rather have Dad alone???

With all due respect to him and his marriage.........

Doesn't always make a difference if a prenup is signed, as in my case. An adult daughter with core issues will still find subtle ways to offend, put a of stamp disapproval, or make her point. Jealousy and self centeredness marks a person. I am working hard to make a consciencous choice to love her. Others see the behavior. She is making a reputation out of the choices she makes. Praying that I'm making a positive impression on her.

i don't know what to tell you. My situation is I remarried after my husband passed from a long term illness. I married a fine man whose wife of 43 years died. We both were grieving when we decided to join ourtme.com just to be able to speak with the outside world again. We found we had a lot in common. We are both in our 60's and decided to marry shortly after our spouses died. Of course, his adult children have hit the roof. My adult children accepted him with open arms. His family has since then dragged me over the coals with profanity and threats. He is dealing with them, but it has been a strain on our own time together. All I can say, is you have the blessing of seeing beautiful non judgmental children who will grow to see the goodness of who you are. If everyone can't get together, don't fret. A happy memory can be made when two or more are gathered together. I am trying to concentrate on my husbands needs.I know he;s hurting, He is a family man and cutting ties with children who are not grateful and appreciative of what they have been given through the years is a very difficult situation. He has told his children we are going to be happy with or without them.And i will never repay the honor he has given me by putting a ring on my finger with the promise until death do us part. My advice to you is continue to love and give where it will be accepted by those in need. Let go of trying to please these older adult children and let your light shine so others can be illuminated by your goodness and kindness. Don't give up. Give your love to those in need who will absorb what you have to give like a sponge. Mary

You clearly don't understand the magnitude of the situation! However, I do as I'm in a similar position; it is the widowers fault for allowing his children to be spoiled, entitled, lazy, inept, inconsiderate, selfish people who use their mothers death as a crutch. Yes her loss was a tragedy, move on, she's been dead 10 years and using her death as an excuse to be abusive towards their step mother is inappropriate. The new wife must use discretion and decide if she can build a life without resentment towards the widower husband and his deviant children. I've need dealing with the children's guilt trips, drug abuse, stealing by belongings, etc for five years; it is their bad behavior not mine!

I know I am about a year behind on this conversation but I just wanted to add my experience as the Adult child of a re-married widower. My Mum died suddenly nearly 4 years ago and within 8 months my Dad was in a new relationship with a divorcee, who also has grown up children, and they married 2 years after my mum's death.  When my Dad told me about the new woman in his life, I wasn't surprised as I never expected him to be on his own for long and I was happy that he was not alone and had someone whom he could be close to and share his life with, afterall, i'm pretty sure that's what my Mum would have wanted.  Unfortunately, the first time I met my Step-Mother, she was quite rude towards my husband.  The second time I met her she seemed very disinterested in my family and I (I have two children). She constantly butted into conversations always turning them back onto herself,  she showed no real interest in any of us when we tried to make conversation with her and didn't make any attempt to get to know us.  I find that in all the occasions I have met her, I have to ask her questions about herself in order to get a conversation going otherwise there is an awkward silence.  She is very clingy towards my Dad and I haven't had any time on my own with him since just after my Mum died. Our relationship with my Dad used to be quite a close one but has deteriorated rapidly since my Step-Mother came on the scene and my Dad's personality has changed so much that I barely recognise him these days.  My Step-Mother, and her friends who don't even know us, have also been disrespectful towards us on Social Media which was rather upsetting but I refused to retaliate and I never told my Dad about it either.  When they got married I felt we had all been pushed out.  I wasn't kept in the loop of any of the plans, I had to keep chasing my Dad up for info so I knew what was going on, even to the point of what time I had to be at the church etc.  They barely spoke to us all day and we had travelled several hours to be there...through choice.   I feel my family and I, which includes extended family also, are treated more like distant relatives and aquaintances.  It is the total opposite with my Step-Mothers family, they are treated lovingly and welcomed with open arms.  I am however still waiting for an invite to their home but I don't feel like we are a part of the family which is sad for all concerned.  My dad has missed out on so much with his Grandkids over the last few years and our relationship now consists of a brief phone call once every couple of months, when she's not around of course! As for inheritance issues, I am not concerned about money but there are things I would like to have eventually as they are of sentimental value.  I have tried before to mention those items to my Dad but he didn't respond and changed the subject so I don't know if what I said got through to him or not.  I now make a point of trying not to get too upset over this issue with my Dad and just focus all my energies on my own family.

I’ve been reading through all these posts and am amazed by the commonality of this problem.  It must make therapists a fortune in session fees.  I too am in the similar situation.  Have been dealing with it for almost 5 years.  First, though, I would like to address some of the Adult Children who have written posts. My Mom died very suddenly and unexpectedly and way, way too young (I’m the only daughter).  She was one of those people who exuded an energy that lite up the room with a smile & laugh to match.  We were all devastated by the loss.   I had friends over the years that had lost a parent and thought it was horrible.  Then on top of it, their remaining parent hooked up with someone new.  Empathically, I’d listen to their stories of woe & agree, I just could never accept someone else in Mom’s or Dad’s life.  BUT…then it happened.  I watched as women who knew my parents over the years, start to act just a bit different with Dad.  The thought hit me; “I’m OK with this.”  Now mind, not everyone is the same.  Some people are just more acceptable than others.  However, the truth is as the “child” it is not about YOU.  It is about your parent.  Can you not allow them to be happy?  It’s called respect, respect for them and their right to make their own decisions or mistakes.  Much like they did for you while maturing (of course this is the healthy family way) and becoming an adult.  Adult Children should not control their parents and parents should not control their Adult Children.  Closed case – there are personality disorders where this is a symptom.  In terms of inheritance, I always have felt it’s my parent’s money to do what they like with.  They earned it, it’s theirs.  My brothers & I should see it as a GIFT if we got any.  We can earn our own & feel great about it!  Personally, I’d rather have my Dad around, happy, having spent every dime.  Pre-nups are a smart idea for anyone who has acquired assets.  Background checks?  Well, trust is part of love & respect so there you go. To the OP, I’ve been with my fiancé for over 4 years.  I even posted on here years ago in response to your post.  So I’ve seen this problem in the relationship for years.  Didn’t you before you married?  To all who married their partner, didn’t you see this Elephant in the Room?  I question (for myself) the wisdom of marrying into this situation and yes, it’s up to me.  Mine is a LD relationship which has provided “cover” for the weirdness.  Plus, I’m an ultimately optimistic individual – glass half full type.  This past year we’ve had nightmare after nightmare.  Last one is he was diagnosed with cancer.  I’ve spent much more time in “his world” supporting him through this.  Let me tell you, there is some strange stuff going on with his 30 something only child daughter.  They are so attached to each other; seemingly NO boundaries, that I left this last time contemplating if there was sexual interaction going on.  When I’m on his home turf, where it’s the 3 of us, I’m not only odd man out but treated like garbage.  She is the wife, I’m the slave.  Do I want to live a life like this?  No way.  So, for me & all of you, it’s NOT the Adult Child that’s the problem.  They may be spoiled; manipulative, controlling, blah, blah, blah … it is your PARTNER that’s the problem.  They raised this person and provided them with examples of morals & values.  Boundaries are an essential part of child rearing.  These situations are all examples of weak/ nonexistent boundaries.  Guilt is no excuse and it’s morally wrong to abuse another (and that’s what these stories are about).  The only chance a relationship like this has to be healthy is to get to a therapist.  Otherwise, you’re going to be miserable the rest of your life.  Do you really want or NEED the drama?  Get Happy, life is too short.

Kudos to You! You sound very centered & healthy. I'm sorry that the situation is not a good one for you. It's hard to acknowledge it but it's your Dad that is the problem. It sounds like you know this already. I wish you happiness and resolution to this.

Just wondering ... after all these years (posts are pretty old), how has it worked out for everyone?  OP?

I am in your shoes. Your discussion should be with your husband telling him how much you love his kids because they are important to him and that you would love a relationship however as he must have noticed by now it doesn't look like it is going to happen. Tell him that you are throwing your hands up and now it is in his court to either make it clear the the children his feelings for you and that you are here to stay and that you want a relationship. Make it clear to his children that the mother dying has nothing to do with you. Make it clear to the children that he loves you but his love for the dead mother will never go away. He needs to tell them that he will not tolerate disrespect or attempt to pit one against the other. Game is over! If they can't play nice then maybe they need to spend less time with him. That is what he should say....but the chances are he won't. The next suggestion is that on fathers day plan an outing for him and his children that does not include you. Go out of your way to give them alone time over and over again and hopefully one day he or the kids will say....."You need to join us.". Good luck....it sucks being the "wicked stepmom" especially when you are not wicked.

You have expressed my very inner thoughts on this matter .We met 2012, 6 months after his wife died and 2 and a half years after my husband died. My husband was happily married for 32 years, I was also happily married for 36 years. We lost our spouses, found incredible happiness in one another and have just celebrated our first anniversary. . My 3 adult children have a great deal of respect and love for my husband. I will not say it was all easy at first for my adult married daughters, but it is improving very nicely with all of them. They want their mother happy and now have a wonderful father/grandfather figure in their lives. My husband's adult son and adult daughter are far more complex...they are very polite to me when we are together. Neither one is married..the son lives on his own and is self-supporting. The daughter ,,divorced more than a year about ago, .moved into her dads home some time before our marriage. So my husband lives with me, and his daughter lives , as she did as a younger girl, in her parents house,.running it like it were her house,.but allowing her father to provide the upkeep and roof over her head. Nice for her, wouldn't you say. They rallying cry for the last 3 years is " she misses her mother and isn't ready to move on". Hmm??So we live in a small town ..together in my home, and have daughter in his home.. it's .just plain weird. My husband has always been very attentive towards his children..as he is with me, and , to an extent, my own kids. He is truly wonderful, .his daughter and son are basically fine young people, and yes..are coping with their loss of their mother, as are my own children coping with their loss. My question to you readers is when can I start a near normal life with my husband.? I try to do girl things with his daughter..sometime it works sometime it does not, and there is very little conversation between us even when we are out together but never do I feel anything but a distance of ice from the relationship. I think she does some things with me to make her dad think she is trying..really?? hanging on your cell and barely speaking is trying??? Daughter calls every single day on the cell to give daddy her daily update on her life...mundane as it may be. We can be eating dinner or talking and all things halt for this daughters daily conversation. I am not trying to keep him from her,, just need some boundaries set. Thus far, he is unable and almost unwilling to try make any changes..he feels guilt and sorrow for both kids..especially his daughter. I am a very inclusive mother/woman to everyone. Have opened my heart and my home to his kids and their friends all the time but to little avail. They only speak to their dad if they have anything to relate to me . The son comes to very few family gatherings and always has a good excuse to miss. The daughter is more compliant, but reads or talks on her cell phone the entire time , is very proper, but adding little to any conversation, then leaves. She basically puts on a good show. Then I hear about things she doesn't care for from her Dad...never to my face. Is it time to give up with his kids or does the situation itself need more time?

Wow, I feel for you. I just visited this site to see if I could also get some advice on what to do/how to act/how to "win over" the adult kids of a widower. My boyfriend lost his wife to cancer 3 years ago. I knew the whole family (BF, wife, 3 daughters) when they were patients at a doctors office I worked at. When his wife passed, I waited a year and then contacted him to just hang out as friends and he was very glad to hear from me. We did just that; and at the 2 year mark of the anniversary of her death he took his wedding ring off and proclaimed me to be his girlfriend and we are very happy, having a great time together. He says he will never remarry and for now I am ok with it. The girls are very lukewarm toward me. I don't know how to act, how to "be myself" because "myself" means extremely giving, caring, funny, sincere.....and with them, it is dull and quiet and they are aloof. One daughter is nice, the one who lives in Calif and is single. She and I talked and she basically said what I thought was true: they like me, they are glad their dad has someone to "hang out" with, they still miss their mom terribly, it is hard to see him move ahead and seem happy, it is hard to have me around at family functions, it is just HARD. I have only been invited to one gathering, my BFs birthday celebration. The girls ignored me. It was stressful for me. I wanted to cry. I am such a loving, nice person. Instead of them acting like they want to get to know me, they ignore me and I am at a loss for how to act or what to say. I am not going to anything from now on. He and I will keep our lives separate. I would never marry him due to how his girls act. The grandchildren love me and the sons-in-law are very nice to me. My two married sons are very happy for me and say they have never seen me look happier. They hate that the girls are not giving me a chance or meeting me half way. DOES this "just take time" or ARE these girls just snots. My BF adores his daughters and I have never told him how I feel. I pretend that I think they are wonderful. But it's tearing me up inside. I just want to be liked and accepted. UGH. SO much harder than I ever thought it would be. I think you should just back WAY OFF. Enough is enough. I have decided that I am not going to beg anyone to like me. You need to show strength and confidence, and the best way is to ignore those who are not kind to you. That's what I am doing. I have so many wonderful friends, family members, people who love and adore me. Put those people WAY on the back burner.